A Pariah’s Recovery
by binge316
Summary: Sequel to “A Pariah’s Secret Keeper. Follows relationship of SS/HG post DH. Many students return for 7th year. Danger lingers. Tri-Wizard Tournament time again.
1. Chapter 1

Severus' pain medication had worn off and he woke up with tears running down his face. He winced and his body began to shake. The burn of the antivenin flared.

Hermione stirred next to him, "Severus?"

He whimpered and his chest heaved. She flicked her hand to the light behind the bed and the soft brightness illuminated the man next to her. He was pale, sweating, and shaking all over. Immediately, Hermione hit the button next to the light to call the healer.

She summoned a cool wash cloth, "It's okay, Severus. I know it hurts. It will pass. It won't last forever. It won't," She stroked the wash cloth over his face as he stared at her with wide eyes. His jaw flexed uncontrollably. _Hermione. Make it stop. Please._

A different healer from yesterday rushed in and was at his side in an instant.

"I am Stefan, and I'm your healer for this evening. I am sorry you are in pain, Professor Snape.

I know it's quite terrible and probably frightening, but I assure you it is to be expected with this type of wound and the antivenin," He looked to be in his late 20s.

Snape growled, "I know what the side effects of the antivenin are, boy. I made it."

Hermione hissed at him, "Severus!"

The young man appeared undeterred and reached into his robes and pulled out a vial, "This will help quell the pain," He said and handed the vial to Snape, "One swallow."

After Snape swallowed, he took the cool glass vial away. Severus' eyes were closed, but he spoke in a strained voice, "What is the prognosis?" _Am I going to die?_

Hermione gasped whispered, "Severus, we don't need to worry about the long term. Let's just focus on the short term, okay?" _It's bad. It's bad._ The pain medication began to take the edge off of the burning in his shoulder.

He opened his eyes and looked at her, "I've spent my whole life focusing on the short term," He said sadly, "What's the prognosis?" _Please just let me live in peace._

"Professor, she isn't kin," He said quietly.

"And I fully intend on righting that situation at some point. Speak, boy. My medical information is hers as much as it is mine," He barked and then his eyes went wide. _Fuck._

Hermione's eyes snapped to his face. He could feel himself blushing. _Don't look at her. Don't look at her. Don't look at her._

The healer looked between the two people, and cleared his throat, "To be honest, we're not entirely sure yet. There are several layers to this injury. At present, we are focusing on ridding your body of the venom. We can't look at doing anything else about your other injuries until the venom is no longer in your system because, if it isn't, any attempt to heal anything else will fail. The venom is that toxic. Until it's out, we'll have the other injuries in stasis - they cannot worsen or better." _Fuck. How bad is this?_

"Other injuries?" He drawled, "Transparency would be preferable..." _Just rip the bandage off, fool._

Hermione touched his arm, "Sev... It's late. Why don't we try to sleep and we can discuss this in the morning?" Her face told him she didn't want to know, that she was afraid to know. _I have to know._

"What are the other injuries?" He looked at the healer. _Please._

The healer hesitated, "When the snake bit you, she not only injected her venom into you, but she also, through the toxicity of her venom and the sheer power of her jaw, essentially disintegrated much of the area between the bottom part of your neck here," He pointed to a spot about an inch out from his jugular notch, "to here," His finger moved to the end of his collarbone near where the socket of his shoulder sat.

Hermione's hand covered her mouth, "Disintegrated?"

The healer frowned and looked visibly upset, "Yes, essentially. What's left, from what we could tell... there are shards of your collarbone, ribbons of muscle and tendons, and most of your scapula to work with."

 _Fuck._

"In other words, you are saying I have no left shoulder?" The shock in Snape's voice was palpable.

The healer shook his head, "No, not really your shoulder. Your clavicle area, though... There's... Not much there. At least, that we can see right now."

"Oh, that's much better," He growled. _Fuck._ Hermione's hand was on knee, "Why can't I move my arm at all?" Snape was irritated now.

"We've immobilized your arm - for pain management, and for injury protection. Like I said, there are a lot of unknowns here until the venom is out of your system."

Severus scowled and looked away. _Fuck._

Hermione asked softly, "What arm usage percentage can we expect at full recovery?"

 _Fucking zero because they're just going to chop it._

The healer looked at her, "We're not sure. I'm sorry. I wish I knew more."

"So do I," Severus said coldly.

"Severus, stop. He's doesn't know anything else."

"Exactly," He seethed. _Arse._

"Severus! I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you he's usually more pleasant to strangers, but I'd be lying. It's not your fault. Thank you very much for your help," She said and smiled at him. _Why is she smiling at him?_

Snape glared at the boy. _Fuck._

The healer nodded, "If you need anything, like medicine, something to eat, please let me know. Otherwise, I'll be back to check on you in 90 minutes."

"You have anything stronger?" Snape grumbled.

"What do you mean?" The young man's blue eyes narrowed at Snape.

"Bourbon, whiskey, vodka..." Snape said and Hermione squeezed his knee.

"Severus, stop it. Leave him alone!"

The healer smirked, "You should get some rest," And he left them alone.

"You need to be nicer to the healers, Severus. They're doing their best. Someone coming here with a bite from Lord Voldemort's snake isn't exactly a common occurrence," She said. He flinched when she said the name.

Snape avoided her gaze. _I know._ She looked at him closely. He looked thin and frail. The left side of his upper body was bandaged heavily from midway down his chest to back below his shoulder. His arm was stiff in a sling and stuck tight across his body. There was dark stubble on his cheeks and throat, and there were dark circles under his black eyes. He looked exhausted, irritated, and... scared.

"Severus?"

His jaw twitched. _I don't know how to do this. I didn't plan this far. I could be crippled. She'll leave me._

He felt her move toward him and he turned his head slightly to her, as far as he could. She stared into his eyes, leaned down, and pressed her lips against his. He sighed against her mouth. Her mouth opened against his just enough to make him moan slightly. Physically, it did hurt to kiss her, a fair amount actually, but he'd never show it. _I miss her._

She pulled away, "I know you're scared. We'll figure this out. You're not alone," She smiled at him.

He swallowed. _How does she always know?_

"I love you," She said.

He blinked. _I am undeserving, "_ I love you."

She curled up next to him again, careful not to pull or tug on his body in anyway, and she listened to his breathing. Slowly, it evened out and then deepened.

 _Hermione._


	2. Chapter 2

The searing pain woke him up again. The sheets were clinging to his sweaty body, and he opened his eyes and searched for Hermione. She was standing at the foot of his bed arguing with the healer.

"He's a fucking human being! Give him something for the pain, or I will!" She growled. _Hermione._

The healer put his hands up to settle her, "Miss Granger, pain potions are to be administered on a strict schedule. Any sooner or later than the exact time could lead to more discomfort for the patient, or could cause serious side effects."

She pointed at him, "LOOK AT HIM! He is in serious discomfort!" She was still unaware he was conscious. _Help me, "_ I don't know what school you went to, but this venom is not normal snake venom. It burns through medicines much more quickly than other snake venoms do because it corrupted and evil. It isn't normal. Your normal time frame for medicine administration won't work on abnormal venom. When he's in pain, you give him pain medicine, because OBVIOUSLY THE DESIRED EFFECT IS NO LONGER OCCURING!"

"Hermione," He groaned. _Please._

She snapped her head to him, "You give him the medicine, or I will, but either way, he's getting it."

The healer sighed and ran a hand through his hair, You're right. It is an exceptional situation. I apologize," He said and moved toward Severus. Pressing the vile to Snape's lips, he held it there for a swallow, and then moved away.

He was gasping for breath, sweating profusely, and miserable. The healer moved past Hermione, but she touched his arm briefly, "I expect you back here every hour on the hour, maybe more, to at least check to see if he needs medicine. You have no idea what this man has done for our society."

The healer said nothing, but nodded and left.

She sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him. _Beautiful,_ "I thought we had to be nice to the healers?" He raised an eyebrow as the exhaustion settled on him.

"No, I said you need to be nice to the healers. I didn't say anything about me. How are you feeling?"

"Awful," He said quietly, "Is it bad?"

She looked confused, but he added, "My shoulder?"

Her face dropped and she bit her lip, "Honestly, I didn't see it much. When it first happened, I was just so worried about containing it and treating what I could that I didn't really inspect it. It bled badly, Severus, more than I've ever seen another human being bleed. When I was with you in the shack, you were clothed, so your robes and such were torn up all around it," She trailed off.

"You haven't seen it here?"

"No," Her answer was quick. _Too quick._

"You didn't bring me here?" He asked.

"No. Poppy did," She said softly, "She brought you here and called in a lot of favors so you'd be taken care of because everyone still thought you were a traitor." _Poppy,_ "I stayed with Minerva and Draco. Poppy said it was out of our hands now, and..." She choked up and he reached for her hand.

"She said that, no matter what happened, you would want us to finish what we had started that night," She wiped a tear from her eye, "As soon as it was over, I came here with the others, but they wouldn't let any of us see you. When I did finally get to see you yesterday, it was already bandaged," Her lip trembled, "I am sorry I didn't come with you here."

"She's right, Hermione. Whether I was unconscious or dead, you could do more at Hogwarts," His voice was unintentionally callous, and she shivered. _I'm sorry._

"What happened with Potter in the forest?" He searched her face. She started crying harder. _What did I do?_

"I'm sorry, Severus. I can't... I can't do this right now. I'm so sorry," she tried to master herself, "I saw you dying in front of me. I saw you dying. In my arms. I still don't know how any of this will end up. I can't..."

 _How could I be so fucking insensitive?_ "I'm sorry, Hermione. I'm sorry. I should not have asked you, at least not so quickly. It is all too easy for me to ask questions about painful situations for which I was unconscious..."

She shook her head, "It's only natural, for you to ask, Severus. I just... All I see is you on the floor of that God foresaken shack...I..." He held her hand tightly, "Harry will speak with you. Harry wants to speak with you," She nodded. _I'm sorry._

"I did not mean to upset you. My questions were insensitive in regards to what you would have gone through and experienced."

"You were dying in my arms," She hiccuped, "It was horrible."

"Come here," he tapped the spot on the bed next to him where she had laid all night with his hand.

She shook her head and his brow furrowed, "I'mnot upset with you," She said softly as she moved her chair up along his bed so that she was right next to his head.

"I can't look at you if you sit there," He said lowly with a hint of sadness.

Her fingers went to his hair. _Oh, God._ He sighed heavily. It felt like a little slice of Heaven, to have her nails scratching at his scalp, her fingers massaging his head. It was a small relief to the tremendous pain he felt. He whimpered in pleasure.

"I just want to look at you, Severus," She whispered.

"I can't possible imagine why."

"You sleep. I'll be here."

"Always?" He asked tiredly.

"Always," She answered as her fingers danced lovingly in his hair.

 _Always._


	3. Chapter 3

When he opened his eyes again, it wasn't because of pain. The door to his room had swung closed. He panicked briefly because he thought he was alone. His chest began to rise and fall more quickly.

"Hey," Hermione's voice came from by his ear, and he exhaled, "I told you I'd be here," Her fingers were in his hair again.

"I..." His throat felt like sandpaper and his mouth tasted sour, "I forgot. I could not see you," He sighed.

She slid her chair down so he could look at her. His dark eyes moved over her face, calculating and needy.

"You need to sleep," He deduced.

She ran a hand through her hair, "Probably. They'll be in to feed you soon."

His eyes opened wide, "Feed me? I'm a grown man," He growled.

She chuckled, "Not what I meant, you bat. I should have spoken more clearly. It's medicinal. Liquid diet," She clarified.

He clicked his tongue, "Hermione Granger... Ineloquent? Merlin. I never thought I'd see the day."

"Oh, hardy-har," She grumbled.

He sneered, "Liquid diet?"

"Eating solid foods while taking that antivenin would be... unpleasant. You'd vomit it up, so they're giving you liquid nutrients for sustenance with anti nausea potions," She said.

"Delicious," He drawled. _Fuck this. Weeks? Weeks?_

The healer walked in through the swinging door with three vials in hand, "Professor, how are you feeling?" Stefan avoided Hermione's eyes. _Idiot boy to earn the lion's wrath._

Severus smirked and then sarcastically said, "I am better since it is you, not I, in the doghouse today."

Hermione glared at him and the healer swallowed nervously, then unstoppered two vials and mixed them and while shaking them, he said, "This will provide you necessary dietary nutrients and vitamins. I have mixed an anti nausea in as well."

He dropped his hand down with the vial toward Severus' good hand, who took it and swallowed gingerly, careful to not arch his neck.

He screwed up his face, "Bloody hell," He said. _The fuck is that flavor?_

"Sorry, Professor... If we add flavoring, it dilutes the anti nausea," He said softly, as he uncorked the last vial.

"What does it taste like?" Hermione asked.

"Goblin piss," He rumbled. _Worse._

"Lots of experience with that?" The healer said with humor. Hermione and Severus silenced him easily with their eyes. Severus sipped the pain medication, and then the healer disappeared.

"You need to rest," He said to Hermione.

She was about to speak, but a silver stag burst into the room. _Potter._ From it, came the voice of Harry Potter, "Morning, Severus - are you up for a visitor?"

Snape narrowed his dark eyes at the silvery figure and then spoke lowly, "Yes."

The stag titled its head, recorded Snape's answer, and then galloped away out of the room.

"You must sleep, Hermione. You're no fun exhausted," He have her a half smile.

She bit her lip and her eyes flickered, and he asked, "What is it?"

"Every time I've fallen asleep here, I've had... nightmares about you."

"I am rather nightmarish," He quipped, desperately trying to see her smile.

She shook her head, "You... You've died in them," Understanding washed over him. _She's afraid she will fall asleep and lose me. Sweet girl._

"I assure you, Hermione, I will be here when you wake up, just as I am now," His voice was even, calm, despite his emotional revelation.

She searched his face for any doubt he might have been hiding, crawled up onto the bed, pulled the blanket over her and him. She curled up in a ball so tiny next to him, he was certain she would disappear entirely. Hermione's extended bed allowed her plenty of room. She was not touching him, probably for fear of hurting him, but he needed contact, so he rested his hand over the blanket on her bent knee. His thumb stroked her leg over the blanket.

He listened as her breathing deepened and he wished so badly he could see her face. _I love you, girl. I love you._

Harry walked in and, upon seeing Hermione's sleeping form, he prevented the door from swinging loudly shut.

Potter whispered, "Which side is better?" He flicked his finger to either side of the bed, "Or maybe down here?"

Snape hadn't really thought about it, but now that he was asked to... Looking at someone to his left or right did hurt, at times more than others, especially when they were sitting, "The foot," He said.

Harry summoned a chair, "How long has she been asleep?" He nodded toward Hermione.

"Not long," He answered quietly, "You have your wand?"

Harry raised his eyebrows, and Snape said, "I have yet to find mine... I am also uncertain as to how much magic I could do at present. I want to make sure we don't disturb her," He patted Hermione's knee.

Harry pulled his wand out of his jacket, "Not sure who made this one, but it has proven quiet useful," He pointed his wand at Severus, "Muffilato!"

Snape raised an eyebrow and said dangerously, "You, boy, are already irritating me."

"To be fair, that isn't exactly hard to do," Harry said, his green eyes sparkling. _Oh, Lily. He made it._

"I do not remember much after the snake..." Severus said quietly.

"Lucius was running at the entrance of the tunnel when Voldemort commanded the snake to attack you," Harry started, "It took all of the strength Draco and I had to cover Hermione's mouth so she didn't make any noise and to physically keep her away from you. It was... horrible," He looked at his bruised and scabbed knuckles.

Severus looked at his hand and raised his eyebrows in question. Harry answered, "To keep myself quiet. I..." Harry didn't need to finish his sentence.

"I am sorry," Severus said, "I never wanted for any of you to witness that," He squeezed Hermione's knee gently, but emphatically. _Most especially her._

Harry looked at Hermione, "She was brilliant, you know? She always is," His green eyes were watery.

Severus didn't respond, and Harry continued, "She had the antivenin in you in less than a minute after the bite. Dittany. Blood-replenishing. Brilliant."

Severus looked at Harry as he talked, "I don't know if I could have done that, if it had been Ginny. Think I would've just... froze."

Snape spoke quietly, "You would be surprised what you can endure for someone you love."

Harry looked at him, "Do you mean Hermione, or my mother?" Snape's eyes narrowed, but there was no malice on the boy's face. _You can't expect him not to ask questions._

"Both," Severus said plainly, but his eyes were clouded in emotion.

"You feel..." Harry's watched Snape's face in careful consideration, "Conflicted?" Severus' eyes widened. _The boy does have emotional perception?_ Then, he felt vulnerable and embarrassed.

Harry waited. _Of course he's asking it as an actual question. Bloody hell. I can't._ Snape averted his eyes away from Potter's and Severus' Adam's Apple began to rise and fall quickly, so Harry added, "Calm down, Severus. If I get you all riled up, they won't let me see you anymore."

Snape closed his eyes and focused on breathing. _Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it together._ Harry spoke again, "I'm not really sure what happened after I left the shack. I called Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall. I didn't stay to see them arrive."

"The forest," Snape's eyes opened and were on Harry's again, "What happened?"

"He killed me, well, him, I guess." Harry shrugged.

Severus sneered, "How unceremonious of you, Potter."

"I don't really understand it. I walked up to him, dropped my wand... Er... Draco's wand, and he cast the curse. When I came to, well, not really, I was in a..." His eyes shifted away from Severus. _Nervous?_ Potter looked like the young child he had once been.

"Listen, I don't really know how to explain it without it sounding completely mental," Harry said as he scratched the back of his neck.

 _Ah. He is afraid I will criticize him,_ "Speak, boy. There will be no criticism."

"I was in a sort of... alternate dimension. Dumbledore was there. It kind of looked like King's Cross Station," Harry explained with great difficulty, "There was this... piece of Voldemort's soul crying and moaning under this bench. It was hideous. Dumbledore talked to me," Harry got lost in thought.

Severus looked at him. He was tired, thin, pale, and he had an air of defeat about him despite having just destroyed the most powerful dark wizard in the world.

Harry realized he had stopped talking, "I had a choice. I could go with Dumbledore in peace, be with my mum and dad... Or I could go back and finish Voldemort," His voice was quiet. _Dumbledore is still an arse in the after life then._

Snape snorted and then winced, "His choice scenarios are fucking lovely, aren't they?"

Harry gave him a half smile, and continued, "I made my choice. I woke up on the forest floor. Draco's mum was kneeling next to me checking to see if I had a heartbeat. My heart was pounding, so she knew I was still alive. She asked if Draco was alive, if he was up at the castle," Harry looked at Severus, "And when I whispered 'yes,' she told Voldemort I was dead."

"There is nothing Narcissa loves more than her child," Severus said seriously as he remembered her frantic plea for him to protect Draco and the relief and sympathy on her face after the Unbreakable Vow.

"You know, muggles always say that 'there is no love like a mother's love,' but they don't even really know the meaning behind it," Harry noted, "Like my mother, like Draco's. It's...real."

"Muggles have an subconscious awareness of the magic around them. They just call it 'faith' or 'luck,'" Severus agreed, "What happened after Narcissa pronounced you dead?"

"Voldemort made Hagrid carry me back to the courtyard." _Of course he fucking did... Poor Hagrid... "_ Voldemort gave a little celebration speech," Harry said.

"Yes, I am sure it was wonderful," Severus said darkly.

"I think even this next part will surprise you," Harry smirked, "He asked for anyone who wished to survive to declare their allegiance. Malfoy snapped his fingers at Draco, to get him to come to them. Draco wouldn't."

"That is surprising," Severus said with his eyes wide.

"Oh, that's not the surprise," Harry said, "His parents looked at each other, his mum took her hand out of his dad's, and she walked across to her son and took Draco's hand and stood with him. With us."

"Did she really?" Severus raised his eyebrows and then hummed, "I am sure that irritated the Dark Lord."

"Oh, yeah, loads. I jumped out of Hagrid's arms, battle resumed. Lots of Death Eaters split at that point. We outnumbered them by then," He said.

"And, you looked quite invincible," Snape acknowledged, "What of the snake?" His voice grew cold.

"She pursued me, Ron, and Hermione. As she went to lunge for us, Neville got her with the sword," Harry said.

"Your story telling leaves much to be desired, Potter."

"It was just me and him then. He knew it. I knew it. He was standing there, in the courtyard. I met him. Our wands connected again, and the Elder Wand failed him entirely. His Killing Curse turned on him, pushed back by me," Harry said.

"There is a body?" Severus asked, "We did not have a body last time."

"Oh, yes, there is a body," Harry said with a certain darkness in his tone, "It's being held at the school now, contained within a magical case. They're all trying to decide what to do with it."

 _I have a few ideas..._ "After he fell, what happened?"

"There was no celebration. There was a lot of crying. Silence. Hermione left with Professor McGonagall and Madam Promfrey to come here. Pretty much have caught you up now," Harry looked at Snape, shrugged awkwardly and looked away.

 _There is something wrong with this boy,_ "Potter... What is it?"

Harry didn't look at him, "What?"

Snape rolled his eyes, "You are no good at hiding or lying," and he watched as Harry rubbed at the scar Umbridge's quill had left on his hand, "Even when it would be most advantageous for you to do so."

Harry shook his head, "Nothing, Snape." There was a warning in his tone. _What the bloody hell?_ Harry's hands were shaking, "It's just..."

"Words, boy."

Harry scratched his head, "The memory you showed me... Did you... Did you mean it?"

The boy's face trembled in an effort to contain his emotions, to keep himself from crying and Snape stared at him trying to finish his sentence for him.

 _Mean it?_

 _Mean what?_

 _'But this is touching, Severus. Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?'_

 _'For him?'_

 _Harry..._

"Dammit, boy," Severus said. Harry didn't look at him until Snape started moving and pulling himself forward off the bed, "Fuck," He wheezed.

The boy shifted forward to help Snape, but Severus waved him off dramatically, "I can do it!!"

He moved slowly, painfully, down toward the edge of his bed, pulling most of himself by his heels as he was only able to use one hand to support his weight. Finally, when his legs dangled off the end of the bed, Snape closed his eyes and focused on breathing. His arm burned. His upper body was upright and stiff, any little movement pained him greatly.

"Severus, I can get the healer..."

"Shut up," Snape hissed and opened his eyes. He grabbed Harry under his chin with his right hand and pulled him up until he was eye level. Harry blinked quickly, but Snape didn't let go of his chin.

"Look at me," He demanded, "At the time of that memory, my relationship with you was what it had been for years - hostile, antagonistic, resentful You were a physical representation of my poor decisions and the loss I suffered at the hands of those poor choices - the loss of friendship with your mother, her marriage to your father, her death..." He looked away from Harry's eyes briefly and calmed himself, "That memory is from the evening before I killed Dumbledore. I was angry, hurting, terrified, irrational, and my response was shortsighted and was an inaccurate depiction of my feelings."

"Professor Snape!" Stefan walked into the room, "You should not be sitting up!"

Hermione woke from behind him, "Severus... Harry? What's going on?"

"Bloody hell..." Snape growled and slapped Stefan's hand away from him.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Potter, but we have to get him back into bed. He needs more antivenin and he needs to be resting. He shouldn't be moving around," Stefan scolded Snape, who glared at him, "You need to leave, Mr. Potter."

Harry nodded and moved backward toward the door. Hermione slid off the bed and her hand touched Snape's back gently, "Severus, I can walk him out. I'm sorry, Harry, I didn't know you were here!" She put her hand on his back. Stefan called in for more healers.

Snape said and found himself unable to turn toward the door where he stood with Hermione, "The answer to your poorly stated question is most assuredly 'no,' Potter."

He heard the gasp and Hermione asked, "What's wrong, Harry?" As the doors swung behind him.

 _He is so like you, Lil._


	4. Chapter 4

Snape watched as Stefan reached for his wand, "I'm going to levitate you back in the bed, Professor Snape."

"No, you bloody will not," Snape snapped at him coldy as he balanced his weight between his feet on the cold tiled floor. He leaned off the bed and stood to his full height. His left arm awkwardly frozen tight against him in the sling. He glared at the healer.

Hermione came in and saw Snape standing, "Severus, you idiot, you can't be walking around. If you fall, you've only got one hand to catch yourself!" She grumbled at him.

"He was going to levitate me!" Severus growled as Hermione slipped her arm into his.

"At least you will let her help you, Professor Snape," The healer said curtly.

"I much prefer her hands to your dehumanizing levitation," Snape seethed.

The healers Stefan had summoned appeared at the door, and approached Hermione and Severus, "Do you need help, Professor Snape?"

"No, I do not," He said dangerously, as he leaned on Hermione. _Not from any of you idiots._ The healers stepped back away from him and watched as the couple moved to the head of the bed. Snape sat in the middle of the bed and his toes dangled off the floor. He leaned back and hauled his feet, with minimal help from Hermione, to the center of the bed.

He hissed and leaned back into the pillows. His jaw was set, his eyes were squeezed tight, and there was a thin layer of sweat on his forehead. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckkk._

"He is fiercely independent, isn't he?" A female healer said.

"Oh, yes," Hermione chuckled.

The healers stepped forward and moved to his left side and gathered near his shoulder area. Stefan spoke, "We're going to take a look at your wound, Professor Snape. Lie still. Miss Granger, if you don't wish to see, I suggest you avert your eyes."

Hermione's eyes found Severus' and they both understood clearly that neither of them were ready to see what had been done to him. She looked at his hand in hers and concentrated her movements, and focus, on it. Her pointer finger traced his, trailed up, then down his middle finger, then up again, then down his ring finger. She had expected to bump a ring.

 _I dropped it before I walked in the shack._

 **That's why I can't feel you...Why?**

 _Because I didn't want you to feel what I was feeling. It was bad enough to feel it on my own, but to know you would also feel it too... I didn't know what would happen to me, and I wanted to protect you, if only in that small way._

She didn't respond and resumed trailing her fingertip up and down his fingers. She saw Stefan wave his wand and the banadage on Severus' chest disappeared. The color red overwhelmed her and she closed her eyes. He squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. Cool air rushed over his wound, and it stung. _Fuck._

They were not speaking next to him, which made the observation more unsettling. Severus heard and felt the bandage reappear and he opened his eyes and found Hermione's.

"Professor Snape..." The Head Healer said quietly, "Your progression through the antivenin treatment course, even at this early stage, is less than we had expected, but we think it's because you're not complying well with the physical limitation aspects. I understand you're an independent man and that bedrest is irritating, but your stillness is of the utmost importance at this phase in your recovery."

Snape snarled and Hermione squeezed his hand.

"The treatment course is supposed to take anywhere from seven to ten days. For you, this is only day two after the bite," The healer said as Snape groaned, "To make this easier on you, we are going to increase the sedative in your pain medication. We at least need you still for nearly all of the next five days."

"Lovely," His voice was icy.

"You'll come in and out, and you'll be able to talk and visit with people still, but the sedative will help you be asleep more than you are awake, and it will keep you still."

"Wonderful," Snape said. His eyes were burning a hole through the ceiling.

"I'm sorry, Professor Snape. We're just trying to help," She said softly, and the healers filed out. Except Stefan. _Fucking Stefan._

He held a vile of potion in his hand, but Hermione spoke, "Can you give us a minute or so?"

He nodded, "Of course. I'll do a round or two, and then come back. I'm sorry progress is slower than we all would like..."

Hermione nodded and turned back to Severus. Snape's dark eyes followed the man out of the room, and for a moment, he wished he could be him, that he could just up and walk out of his own accord.

"Severus?" His eyes met hers. _You are so beautiful._ The bitterness he felt fell away.

"I'm sorry about the ring, Hermione," He said quietly. _I couldn't bear for you to endure that moment with me more than you already would._

"It's okay, Severus," She said, "When you're out of here, we'll try to find it. I know it isn't important to know all the time now, but I liked the sentiment. Even if we don't wear them, I'd like to keep them together." _I love you._

"Is Minerva well?" Severus asked and shame washed over him for not having asked sooner.

"She is, Severus. And Slughorn, Flitwick, and Sprout, too," Hermione smiled. _Thank God,_ "They were here. Everyone was worried. They were part of the group that came in after you woke up the first time. I imagine they will want to see you soon."

"I wish I were able to wear a shirt..." He said softly, "It's one thing when it's you. I feel self-conscious even with Potter. I cannot imagine how uncomfortable it will be to be shirtless in front of them. Some of them had me as a student."

"Yes, well, it can't be that bad. Imagine how I felt when you took my shirt off for the first time," She laughed, "I felt like you were grading me."

He raised his eyebrows, "I'd say you received a perfect score."

"I quite like that you're not wearing a shirt," She purred and trailed a finger from below his sling down to just below his belly button.

He looked up at her and swallowed hard, "How long until that idiot returns would you guess?"

She smirked at him, leaned all the way down to him, and kissed him, "I hope you plan on recovering quickly, Severus Snape," She said and bit his bottom lip softly. He bent a knee upward to hide his physical response. _At least that still works._

"Why is that, Miss Granger?" He hummed.

"Oh, because I'd quite like to have you in a different bed," She said lowly.

 _Fuck._ His body was radiating heat. The wound on his shoulder burned and his blood rushed below his waist, "You're an evil woman, Hermione," He groaned and then winced when he tried to look at her more clearly.

"Perhaps, but would you have me any other way?" She sat up straight on the edge of his bed.

Thoughtfully, he said, "Oh, there are plenty of ways I'd like to have you right now."

She giggled as the door swung open. Stefan greeted them with a nod, approached him, and opened the vial he held in his hand.

"Yes, good on you for being prompt. Otherwise, I may have done something that would have been a serious detriment to my recovery," Severus took the vial and put it to his mouth, tipped it and emptied its contents into his mouth.

"What would that have been, Professor Snape?" Stefan asked innocently.

"Who..." Snape said. _Who would that have been._

Hermione slapped his hand playfully. Stefan looked confused, but smiled, and then headed back toward the door. He found Hermione's eyes as the room went dark.

 _Honey with golden flecks. Hermione. Mine._


	5. Chapter 5

Severus' eyes were heavy and he found himself unable to open them. He felt as if he were floating and there were voices in the distance, but he couldn't make out what they were saying. As he battled the exhaustion.

"He has a right to go," One voice said. _Hermione._

"It's not possible, Miss Granger. The mental and emotional toll that will take could set him back. He won't be strong enough," another female voice said.

"You've had him comatose for over a week! He has plenty of time," _Why does she sound so angry? "_ And you would do well to remember who this man is and what he's done for our world before you question his strength again.

"Hermione..." He said weakly. His voice sounded strange and foreign. He forced his eyes open.

Her face came into focus and he tried to move. She was sitting on his bed looking at him, "Severus... Don't move, love. You're okay," Her voice was soothing, "The second round of antivenin was hard on you..." He looked at her face as she spoke, "You... started having seizures, so the healers had to put you in a potion-induced coma until the venom was completely out of your body."

"It's out?" _Please say yes._

"Yes, Professor Snape," The woman behind Hermione spoke. _The Head Healer._

"What is the date?" He asked. _Why are these fucking lights so bright?_

Hermione looked nervous, but said, "May 15th."

"What?" His mind raced and his chest began to rise and fall faster. _What the fuck?_

"Miss Granger, you are upsetting him."

"Shove off, you cow," Hermione snapped. _What had that woman done to garner the fury of the Gryffindor Princess?_ "You have been sedated since May 4th."

"Seizures? Arthur Weasley did not have seizures," Severus was confused.

"That is correct, but Mr. Weasley's injuries, while they were also severe, were not located where yours is. Yours is located both above your heart and next to major arteries in your neck."

Snape looked at her curiously, "It's out? The venom?"

"Yes, Professor Snape - as of yesterday evening - the venom is gone." His eyes stung with tears. _The snake is gone._

"What are the next steps? When can I go home?"

"We would like to reconstruct your shoulder immediately."

He felt ill. _I don't have a shoulder?_ "How long?" He said, "Does it take to reconstruct?"

"Yesterday evening, we were able to look at the damage. It is... quite extensive. You, at present, have no clavicle bone, AC joint, or rotator cuff. The venom from snake essentially dissolved those things. You have extensive muscular and bone damage to both your upper trapezius muscle and your upper scapula. Truly, you are quite lucky, Professor Snape."

Snape sneered, "And why is that?" _You've just told me half of my upper body is missing._

"When the snake attacked, you turned and shielded your body from the blow that was intended for your throat with your shoulder. Had you not, the snake would have bitten through your neck instead. You would not have lasted minutes," The impact of that reality hit Hermione and Severus like a train. _Fuck, "_ We can do all of the reconstruction at once, but it will take extensive time to heal, especially since much of what we will be doing will be starting completely from scratch. You will need to be resting for the majority of the summer."

"Unlikely," He growled. _I want to go home. I want to go home._

"It won't be bed rest, but you will find that, with the injury location, it is more a more exhausting road to recovery than you are anticipating. The trapezius muscle is a heavy lifter, so to speak. It allows you to hold your head up, twist and turn your neck, raise your arm, shrug, rotate your shoulder, and it assists in shoulder stabilization. Because of its postural responsibility, this muscle is used constantly and it will take time to build stamina... That, combined with your other injuries, will require constant physical therapy or coping therapies for side effects. Probably for the rest of your life."

"When can I go home?" _I want to go home. I want to go home._

"After the reconstruction, we will have to come up with a physical therapy plan. We want to monitor your immediate progression closely. We have no idea what level of functioning to expect, so we need a baseline assessment after it's reconstructed. Probably at the very least...48 hours."

"May 15th. It is Friday. I am leaving Monday morning," He said firmly, "Go get your healers. Let's get this over with." _I want to go home. I want to go home._

The Head Healer looked at him carefully, and then at Hermione. Hermione wiped her eyes and nodded at the woman, who then left them alone.

"I'm sorry, Severus," Hermione sniffed.

He swallowed, "I just want to go home." _I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home._

"I know, love. We'll take you home Monday, okay?"

"What were you arguing about? With that healer?" His dark eyes looked Hermione over carefully.

"She does not think it's wise for you to attend the memorial. It's on June 2nd. It's... One month..." Her voice broke.

Bile rose in his throat. _Hogwarts. Fred. Remus. Tonks. Who else? How many others? I could have been one of them, "_ I will attend."

"I thought that was what you would say," She said. She looked so tired. _Hermione._

"You look exhausted, Hermione," He said quietly.

"I'm okay," She forced a small smile.

He tugged at her hand, "Come here."

She bent down to him completely and he kissed her, his hand cradled her face. She pulled away all too soon.

"I love you, Hermione," He said as he looked into her tired eyes.

She smiled, "I love you."

"No," He said and she looked at him strangely, "Hermione... I love you. You have stayed all this time. You haven't left for longer than a couple hours, have you?"

"No," She bit her lip.

He smiled at her, "You are... incredible. A little insane," She snorted, "But incredible nonetheless."

She smiled, "I don't want to go home until you can."

He admired her commitment, "On Monday, we will leave."

She nodded and her smile widened.

He tugged at her arm again, "Now, kiss me before these idiots knock me out again."

 _I love you. I love you. I love you._


	6. Chapter 6

"Professor Snape? Can you hear me?" _These lights. Damnit._

Snape hissed and blinked several times. His ears started ringing, and he suddenly became aware of tremendous pain on the left side of his body. He winced and cried out in pain.

"Give him something for the pain," A male voice said.

Something was dropped into his mouth. It was warm and the liquid tasted like artificial mint. He swallowed and moaned as the pain tore through his body. After a moment, it dulled.

He blinked again. The faces above him became clear. _Healers._

"Is it done?" He groaned.

"Yes, Professor Snape," Severus recognized the Head Healer, "Would you like to have a look? We still have the sling on and your arm is immobilized, but you can see the cosmetics."

 _No. No._ "Hermione?" He winced. _Please. I need her._

"We can get her, if you'd like. Let's just sit you up," Severus sat up slowly and kept his eyes shut tight.

"Hermione," He said again. _Please._

"We've sent someone to get her, Professor Snape. You can open your eyes," The Head Healer said.

"Cover it. My arm. Cover it," Severus growled. _Please._

"Professor Snape?"

"Just do as I ask, woman!" He snapped. _Please._

The healer laid what felt like a towel over his left shoulder. It stung, pulled, and weighed on his wound even in its softness and lightness. He winced under it and opened his eyes. He looked straight ahead and met the healer's dark eyes.

"I understand, Professor Snape," She said quietly.

Hermione walked into the room and, when Severus turned to look at her, he gasped and his body contracted with the pain even that small movement had caused him.

Hermione walked around in front of him, "Are you okay?"

He blinked quickly. _Make them leave. Please._

She nodded in understanding, "Can you let us have a minute to ourselves?"

The Head Healer nodded and they left. As soon as the door swung completely closed, Severus sobbed and then hissed in pain.

"Sev," She whispered, "Shhhh. What's wrong?"

"They wanted me to look at it, but I couldn't do it without you," He struggled to control himself.

She swallowed and looked into his eyes. She took a deep breath and said, "This is scary for both of us. For me, it will show a physical reminder that I nearly lost you. For you, it will show a physical reminder that you nearly died. Do you know what else it reminds us of?"

He searched her gaze and she put her hands gently on either side of his face and she spoke softly, "That you're alive. That you made it, Severus Snape."

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. His body was trembling.

"Come, Severus," She took his right hand in her small hands and he stood. She slid her left hand and arm around his back, her skin was cool in contrast to his anxiously heated skin.

He moved toward the bathroom, but she tugged at him and he stopped and saw that she had charmed a full length mirror to the hospital room wall. He looked at the two of them in the mirror. Her head was on his chest and her arms were encircled around his waist. They were both thinner than they should be, he especially so. When she increased the lighting in the room, he could see nearly two weeks worth of stubble on his face. It had grown in solidly, black, and stretched down his throat.

"Look at all of this?" He said with a hint of disgust, and he rubbed his right hand down his cheek. _I don't think I've had this much facial hair in my entire life._

"I kind of like it, Severus. Makes you look a bit devil-may-care in the casual sense, and a little bit dark and mysterious."

"Here I was thinking I had already mastered those last two," He grumbled and returned his arm to her shoulders.

"Are you ready?" She asked.

 _No. No. No._ "As I will ever be," He said and closed his eyes.

She reached for the towel and pulled it off gently. His eyes opened.

 _Fuck._

Truly, it looked like severe burn scarring - bumpy, uneven, thick and had a weird waxy shine. It stretched midway down his pectoral over the lower part of the left side of his neck, and all the way out to the end start of the curve of his shoulder. It was red, angry, inflamed. _No giant chunk of missing body, though._

 _Fuck._ He pulled her into his body more tightly, and she hung onto him. After a moment of observation silence, she said, "It's better than I thought it would be. From what I remember in the shack, which isn't much because I was focused elsewhere, I thought it would be..."

"Like a giant gaping hole in my body?"

"Sort of. They did better than I expected."

"Yes, at least cosmetically. Mobility and functionality will prove more important," He said.

"It's a different type of wound, Severus. Expecting to return to full mobility and functionality is a lofty goal."

"I am a perfectionist, Hermione."

"That's a nice way to say that you're an insufferable arse," She teased.

The Head Healer knocked and walked into the room, "What do you think, Professor Snape?"

"It's not a piece artwork, woman, and if it were, I wouldn't buy it because I daresay it's quite hideous," He sneered.

"Severus!" Hermione snapped, "It looks better physically than either of us thought it would."

The Healer paid Severus no mind, "Good. The redness will take quite a long time to fade completely. Some parts might always be a pale reddish color. The inflammation will come and go as long as you're still healing, though I would expect swelling even years from now after a long day or a lot of exertion." Hermione's charmed mirror disappeared.

Snape looked at her, "When can I move it?"

"Now, if you'd like to try."

"Yes."

The Healer pulled the sling off of him, and she held his wrist firmly as she gave him mobility back. His arm felt quite heavy and tugged at his wounds. The Healer helped drop Severus' arm so it hung at his side. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on breathing and not on the pain.

"Can you flex your fingers?" The Healer asked, and Severus demonstrated that he could.

"Can you bend your arm at the elbow?" Severus attempted, but it hurt. He went as far as he could and then dropped his arm back down by his side.

"Lift laterally," The healer instructed.

That hurt. Badly. He whimpered quickly, with his arm barely away from his body, and dropped it back to his side. Many of the movements, including turning his head, were things he was not able to do much of or, in some cases, anything of.

Within 15 minutes, he was lying back on the bed with Hermione alone.

"I'm glad they left your arm out of the sling and made it so you can move it if you wanted to," She said.

"Why?"

"Because if they hadn't, I wouldn't have been able point this out to you," She grabbed his left wrist firmly and pulled his arm up as gently as she could. He hissed, "I'm sorry," She said, "But you'll want to see this..."

He opened his eyes and saw his left forearm.

 _Bloody hell._

The Dark Mark was still there, but it was more faded than it had ever been, even after the first war. It was nearly gray in most areas and was even white in others. It looked like an old, faded, poorly done tattoo.

"You're free, Severus," Hermione said as the tears fell down both of their faces.

 _I am free. I am free. I am free._


	7. Chapter 7

When he woke, he heard rushed whispers around him.

"He has a right to know, Hermione," _Potter._

"Yes, I know, but I just don't want to upset him, Harry. He's excited to be going home."

"Yes, well, I'm sure that the media circus standing outside this hospital for days is excited he's going home too. You need to talk to him about how you both want to handle this," _Handle what?_

"Handle what?" Came the deep and rumbling voice of Severus Snape.

Their heads snapped to him. Hermione sat down next to him on the bed, "Severus..."

 _I do not like that tone at all._

Harry said, "Severus... There's... Here," He pushed a copy of The Daily Prophet into Severus' hands.

Using only one hand, Severus opened the paper to its front page and his mouth dropped open. _No._

"Dark Horse Severus Snape Release Expected Soon!"

"Why He Spied: Inside Look at Professor Snape - Complete with Interviews."

Narcissa Malfoy and son, Draco, Ruled Defectors.

"Albus Dumbledore: A Master or a Manipulator?" _Oh, I quite like that one._

"Harry Potter Refuses to Answer Questions About Snape: What Does He Know?"

"Gryffindor Princess, Hermione Granger, Refuses to Leave Snape's Side - Another of the Professor's Secrets?"

Below that article title, there was a picture of Hermione being escorted by Harry into St. Mungo's could, her head was down and her hair shielded most of her face. Harry has his arm around her shoulders and was pushing their way forward.

"Hermione Granger: A Teacher's Pet or Somethimg More?"

"A Victorious Silence: Why Will No One Speak About Snape?"

"Enough!" He roared, balled the paper up, and tossed it. Before it hit the floor, Hermione's wand caught it in its sights and the paper burst into flames.

There were several minutes of tense silent. Severus' eyes stayed fixed on the ceiling. If not for the crackling of magic across his bare chest, they would think he was dead.

"Professor McGonagall has a couple ideas as to how to handle this. She wants to stop by later. Listen, Severus, it will pass. These kind of things always do. I've had plenty of bad press," Harry said.

"What did you tell them?" Snape's murderous eyes snapped to Harry.

"Severus!" Hermione said sharply.

Snape turned his gaze to her, "Actually, you. You. None of these people can turn on me. That's the only reason they haven't outed me. They can't speak what they know. Nobody can, but you. What did you tell them?!"

Hermione fell back a step clearly hurt, "You're serious?"

He stared at her, "Quite serious."

"Severus, I told them nothing!"

"Apparently, that is not the case. They seem to have caught on to our relationship," He said. His voice was deadly cold.

"Because I've been here, in your room, for weeks!"

"Your publicity stunt here will cost you, cost me, far more than you realize," Came his icy reply.

"Publicity stunt?! How dare you! I saved your life, Severus! I love you! I would never..." She stopped and slammed her mouth shut, "You know what?"

"Enlighten me, Granger."

"Fuck you," She said with finality, "You're an asshole, Severus. You're a distrusting, selfish, and prideful man, and I've had quite enough."

She turned on her heel and stormed out of his room. Her words hit him like a train.

"You are a fool, Snape," Harry said coldly, "A bloody fool," and he turned to follow Hermione.

"Potter, wait, help me up. Fuck," He groaned as he struggled to sit up in the bed. Harry helped him, and he headed toward the door after his woman.

"You'd better hurry," Harry warned and flicked his wand at Severus. A white T-shirt appeared on his chest along with the standard hospital slippers.

Snake hurried down the hall and he caught sight of Hermione at the end of it, near the entrance. He walked quickly with long strides. His shoulder screamed under the sudden prolonged movement.

"Hermione," He said loudly, but she had pushed the door open and now faced the crowd of media. He slammed the door open in front of him and grabbed her wrist.

She looked at him with surprise on her face. She clearly had not expected him to follow her, especially to the extent that he had because they now stood in front of more than a dozen flashing cameras. _Fuck._

He looked around, apparently just as surprised as her at his own actions, and then turned his focus to her.

 _I'm sorry. I did not mean it. You are my greatest ally._

 **You're an asshole, Severus.**

 _Yes, but please stay._

 **Why? If it's all a stunt?**

He stared into her eyes, "Damn it all to hell," He growled and pulled her to him. He crushed his mouth to hers. The crowd of journalists went crazy and started shouting at them, but none of it mattered. He needed Hermione. His mouth softened on hers as she leaned into his kiss. He pulled his mouth away and leaned his forehead against hers.

"Stay with me," He said so quietly that no one around them heard him.

"Yes," She whispered back, "But I'm still mad at you."

He smiled slightly, took her hand, and they walked back into St. Mungo's leaving the crowd of shouting journalists behind him.

"You know what they'll write now? What they'll say about you, and me?" She looked at him as they walked slowly. He cradled his arm into his chest and walked much more gingerly.

Potter, who had waited in the lobby, had witnessed the entire thing, "Severus, you are a man full of surprises."

"The world can piss off," He said firmly, "I've spent my whole life hiding. I won't do it anymore."

 _I won't sacrifice you, us, happiness. I won't do it._


	8. Chapter 8

Minerva McGonagall appeared in his room in a flurry of robes.

"Severus, what the devil were you thinking? Kissing her in front of all those cameras? Do you know what they're writing now? Do you know what they're calling you? What they're saying about Hermione?"

 _Fuck. I didn't really think it all through._

He stared blankly at her, which only served to aggravate her more, "Speak!"

"I suppose it was not good for Hermione's reputation, or my own."

"Or that of the school, Severus! Of Hogwarts!"

He swallowed and felt like a school boy again as Minerva lectured him. He shifted uncomfortably in the bed and winced. Minerva looked at him.

"You're going to be the death of me, boy," She sighed, "How are you feeling?

Snape sighed, "I am... tired," He admitted and then became irritated, "This injury hurts more than I'd like to admit. I am not at all enjoying my stay here and I feel as if these healers are idiots. I have little to no mobility in my left arm. My shoulder looks like a cross between a leper and like someone dumped a hot cauldron on it and my skin melted. I am being attacked in the media, my propriety is in question," He set his jaw, "Lovely, Minerva. I am lovely."

Minerva looked at him and then took a deep breath, "Things will get better, Severus. You need to give yourself time to heal, physically and otherwise. That was a serious wound. You very nearly died."

"I'm aware," His voice was taut.

She sighed, "What do you want to do about the press?"

"Nothing," He said bluntly.

"Not an option, especially now after you've gone kissing a former student in front of the world. I believe Hogwarts should release a statement. I think that would settle some things down."

"A statement? Regarding? Who are you to release a statement?"

"Your relationship with Miss Granger! I happen to be acting Headmistress."

"No. Absolutely not, Professor. It's nobody's business," Hermione argued.

"I understand, but he's a teacher. He's also under a lot of speculation."

"What Minerva is really saying is that I have a terrible reputation, I'm a Death Eater, a double-agent whose true loyalty will always remain in question, and generally, my demeanor does lack a certain public appeal."

McGonagall rolled her eyes, "Have you seen what they're writing, boy? They're alluding to possible pedophilia at worst and at best an inappropriate relationship between professor and student that violated school policy and compromised the validity of her education," Snape's eyes dropped to sheet covering him. His jaw flexed.

 _Compromised her education. Pedophile. Inappropriate. Violated school policy. Compromised her. Compromised her. Compromised her._

"None of those things are true, Professor. He graded me as harshly as he ever did. I was of age. We did nothing romantic or intimate while I was still a student. I would have been expelled had I even tried to return to Hogwarts because of the "no muggleborns" stipulation."

 _We had sex while you were still my student._

His thoughts sounded so defeated, sad, and held within them a hint of self-deprecation and regret.

 **Nobody needs to know that. It was the end of the school year. We already assumed I wasn't returning. Hush.**

"Don't lie to me, girl," Hermione shrank, "I am no fool."

"I am sorry, Professor. I just want to protect him."

Harry chimes in, "Hermione just wants to help Snape. He, of all people, deserves to be left alone."

"I agree, which is why our press release will say exactly what Miss Granger tried to convince me of. No one outside of this room needs to know anything different," She narrowed her eyes at the three of them, "You were of ages. You're nearly 19. He's 38. You're two consenting adults."

Severus avoided her eyes. _Compromised her. Compromised her._

"Severus, what do you think?" Hermione turned to him and broke his self-loathing thoughts.

"Whatever you feel is best, Headmistress," He said and sounded quite depressed.

"You plan to return to your post?"

"As Headmaster? Absolutely not. As a teacher? I am uncertain," He said quietly, "I doubt it would be well-received should I decide to return."

"What of your plans, Hermione?"

She looked at Severus, "I have no idea, Professor."

"That is something you should discuss before your release. Even if you both just let me know of your intentions. It would make a stronger statement, your accepting relationship, refuting any and all claims of impropriety, and supporting your future endeavors."

"What if I should like to return to Hogwarts? To finish?"

Snape closed his eyes to hide the forming tears, "You'll have to leave me." _I will lose you._

"No," Minerva said, "But there would be eyes all over you. We have to establish some sort of ground rules and expectations," She said.

 _More rules. More expectations. More strings._

Hermione looked at Severus. His eyes were blank now, and they were occuluded. She frowned.

"We wouldn't have to separate?"

"No. You are intending to sit for your NEWT exams?"

"Yes," She answered.

"We would just keep you out of whatever class Severus is teaching, should he choose to return, which I sincerely hope he does. You could do an independent study with whatever curriculum he gives you. Personally, I do not care if you spend your free time doing the independent study with him, but you would have to not be seen."

Hermione nodded and looked at Severus again. His eyes were still downcast and his body was eerily still.

"Do you want to return to Hogwarts?" Hermione asked softly.

"More likely than not. I had not anticipated surviving the war, so I have not really put much thought into any of this. Teaching is the only profession I've had. Hogwarts..." He choked up on the words, "Hogwarts is my home."

Minerva's eyes filled with tears, "Yes, lad, and we will bring you home. I'll draft a statement this evening and bring it with me tomorrow. I intend to release the statement tomorrow at the end of my visit here."

He nodded and then whimpered at the movement. Hermione touched his hand softly.

"Severus, keep your head up, dear. You are not alone anymore. Have a good evening," Minerva said and walked from the room.

Harry smiled at them, "Goodnight," and followed her

He gritted his teeth to keep himself from crying.

"We'll figure this out, love. Together," Hermione assured him.

 _Hogwarts is my home._


	9. Chapter 9

Left alone for the first time in several hours, Hermione squeezed Severus' hand.

"You okay?"

He flicked his head as if to shake off an irksome fly and immediately regretted the movement, "Fuck!" Tears of frustration stung his eyes.

"Sev, you have to be patient with yourself. You must be patient with your body," She said softly.

"It would be a lot easier to be patient if I were a patient man," He said through his teeth.

"I know, love, I know," She said and crawled up next to him on the bed. Her fingers found their way into hair.

"Hermione," He said, "I am sorry for the distrust of you I demonstrated earlier."

"I understand where it comes from. You're really private with your life - partly because you've had to be and partly because you just are. This will be difficult for all of us, but especially you," She admitted, "But it will pass. Everything does in time."

He didn't respond and the room was silent.

"I'm sorry I said 'fuck you' to you. And that I called you an arsehole, and selfish, and prideful," She said quietly.

"I've been called worse," He said.

"That doesn't make what I did permissible," She replied.

"Those words are accurate at least."

"Not entirely," She said. She stared at his face. The shadowy stubble had developed into more of a close and short beard. His eyes were on the ceiling and his jaw was flexing slowly over and over again, "What's wrong?"

"Did I..." He squinted his eyes and struggled to find the words, "Did I push you into this? Did I make you uncomfortable? Have I..." _Please say no._

"No, Severus. If anything, I pursued you. You were a perfect gentleman," She said confidently.

He didn't look at her, "I won't be able to bear it if I have compromised your education. You would be far better off without me. With my reputation, and now the scandals, I will... only bring you down. I will be a dark spot on your otherwise flawless existence," He said with a certainty that frightened her.

"What they're writing about you is cruel and grossly inaccurate," She sounded irritated, "It doesn't matter what you think of my choice being you. I'm not leaving you," She said.

"They're calling me a pedophile, Hermione, I..." His Adam's Apple rose and fell several times.

"But you're not. I was of age. You don't go after students. I know a lot of people will say that 'it was just me' isn't a valid argument or a way to justify us, but I don't care. It's the truth. We had other things going on between us that contributed to our eventual relationship - the Secret Keeper not being one thing," She said, "It was only natural that some level of intimacy would develop, romantic or not."

"I did not expect that," He said, "I was desperate when I asked you, begged you really, to be my Secret Keeper. I had no intention of you loving me or loving you. I would have never... I didn't do it for that. I needed someone, a friend, a confidant. And I needed to be able to repay my debt to Lily," He said, "And you were the only option for me that I felt could be all of those things. It was... selfish."

"I understood your reasons and I did not feel, in any way, that your true intentions were underhanded and that you were truly after me romantically. I didn't expect this either, but I don't regret it."

His breath hitched once, "I don't regret it either." _I could never regret it._

"I won't leave you, Severus. In case you haven't noticed, I am quite stubborn."

 _True enough._ He smirked a little, but his face dropped again, "I just worry that I am not the best choice for you."

"My choices are mine to make, Sev," She said. _Sev. Sev. Sev._

"Kiss me? Please, Hermione? I miss you so badly..." His voice was thick with desire, "Nothing more, of course. Propriety, you know. No matter how badly I want you. My arm might very well fall off. Or we'll be interrupted by one of these idiot healers," He pushed the button to move the bed to a seated position.

She giggled and turned around on the bed to face him. She leaned over him and pressed her mouth to his. He sighed. _She's heavenly._ He opened his mouth as her tongue slid across his bottom lip and moaned as she dragged it back over his teeth. She flicked her tongue on his teeth and then bit his lip.

"God, Hermione," He moaned. His shoulder was screaming at him to stop, but he needed this more than he needed any medicine in the world. _I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._

She whimpered into his mouth and he grunted in response. The heat between them was intensifying and he was raging hard and already wet at the tip. _It's been so long._

Her hand trailed up his thigh and she brushed his hardness.

"Fuck," He hissed.

"You like that, Severus?"

His eyes shot to the door, "Fuck yes."

"Oh," She gripped him, "But what if we get caught?" She asked slyly.

"Fuck," He growled and bucked into her hand. He hissed at the pain that shot from his neck through his shoulder and down to his fingertips.

She looked at him with a coy smile on her face. His eyes were burning with want, need, and she loved the feeling of power this gave her over such a dark and intimidating man, "Oh, Severus, you are so hard for me."

"Fuck," He gasped, "You'll kill me, woman."

"I very much doubt that," He squirmed desperately against her hand.

"Please, Hermione. Please. Please," He begged.

She froze the swinging door in his room and shaded the window in black.

He watched what she had done and whimpered, "Oh, fuck, Hermione."

She freed him from his hospital pants and gripped the hot hardness of him. Her thumb rubbed circles under the head as he leaked for her already.

"Please. I won't last. I won't last," He said, "I'm sorry," He mumbled.

"Good," She said, "I didn't intend for you to last long," She smirked as she began to stroke him so slowly.

His eyes rolled back into his head and the pain pulsed down his arm, "Hermione," he arched painfully into her grip on him, "Please. Faster, please," He begged.

His begging turned her on, and she stroked him faster, her pace steady, and she rotated her fingers over his head with each pump. His dark flaming eyes stared at her as she worked him.

"Hermione. Fuck, I'm so close," He warned.

"Give it to me, Severus."

He cried out and grunted his release into her hand. She stroke him slowly through his orgasm until she felt him soften slightly.

His chest was rising and falling hard. He was grunting - in pain and pleasure. He sighed heavily and looked at her, "Good god, Hermione."

She chuckled as she waved her and and cleaned the both of them, "You needed that apparently," She raised her eyebrow at him.

"Apparently," His voice was heavy with sleep.

"Did it hurt your arm too badly?"

"Honestly, Hermione, I do not give a fuck about my arm right now," He said.

She giggled, "I love you, Severus," And she lowered the bed, undid the charms on the door, and curled up next to him.

"I love you, Hermione."

 _I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._


	10. Chapter 10

"Professor Snape! Good morning," A bright faced healer said cheerfully.

"Indeed," He said.

"We're going to get you up and walking today. When you go home tomorrow, you'll want to make sure you're taking at least two extended walks a day. You've got to get your strength and stamina back up. You're going to be tired, and you'll feel pretty weak. You'll be surprised how that particular injury can impact your whole body."

He stared at her. _Quite bubbly, aren't we?_ Severus shifted out of bed and Hermione our the book down that she had been reading. Pushing off the mattress with his right hand, he stood and straightened himself out, and his shoulder groaned in protest as the healing wound stretched in responses to his movements.

"Hermione," He said questioningly and pointed his chest. She nodded in understanding and pointed her wand at him. A gray T-shirt appeared on his chest.

"We'll put this sling on here," The Healer said as she attached the black sling around his arm and looped the white strip over his right shoulder.

"For how long must I wear this?"

"Probably a couple weeks yet. Once you get to the point where you're able to start getting into the physical therapy part, you'll be wearing the sling less and less. Right now, it's mostly a protective factor - keeps it still and it also makes people aware of an injury and they tend to keep well away," She said as she adjusted the sling.

He smirked and looked down his nose at the small witch, "People tend to keep away from me - sling or no sling."

She raised a eyebrow, "Can't imagine why, luv! You're always in such great spirits!" _Chit._

He followed her slowly out of his room. Hermione and the healer flanked him. They were quiet for a moment until they found a rhythm.

"Where is my wand, madam healer?" He asked.

The healer scratched her head, but Severus couldn't turn his head to look at her, "I'm not sure, Professor. Perhaps it's with the clothing you were wearing when you came in?"

"Hermione?"

"I... I don't know. I wasn't with you when Madam Pomfrey brought you in, Severus. When we were in the shack, I... wasn't," Her words faltered.

"Right. Yes," He said curtly, "Can I have my things?"

"When we finish this walk," She said happily.

When Severus realized they were walking toward the front entrance, he hesitated as he saw all of the cameras waiting.

"Don't worry - they can't even see inside, let alone take pictures. We've had loads of other high-class wizards in here, celebrities and all. You're a celebrity in your own league, though, Professor. Never had this many for so long," She pointed toward the hoard outside the main door.

"I believe that the celebrity status comes from the company I keep," He said and put his hand on Hermione's back.

"Maybe, friends like Mr Potter and Miss Granger, but they shout for you all day. Wanting to talk to you and take your picture."

He mumbled, "I am so honored."

Stopping just inside the lobby doors, Severus stared at the crowd. His face was blank and his eyes were devoid of any emotion. _I want to go home._

"Professor, y'know... I have two-half brothers," She said. _Oh, no, "_ We have different mums. I'm quite a bit older than them, and mum went to study in America after she and dad split. I went to Ilvermorny. My mum was a witch in more than one sense of the word and she was quite put out by my dad, and we left when I was 5. Didn't get along much with her. She kept him from me completely, hid his letters. I found them, and as soon as I finished school about three years back, I came back. I found him, had the whole stack of letters with me. He had remarried and had two sons. It was perfect, y'know? Let me live with him while I finished my healing certs. Got to know my brothers. They knew nothing of me. Dad didn't tell them because he knew they'd go looking, and he didn't want my mum to hide me even more."

He turned to her and observed her as she continued, "One of them... He went... He didn't listen. He was only 16. Too Gryffindor. He snuck to Hogwarts to fight," She said and her eyes dropped to the floor.

 _No. No. No._

All cheer fell from her body. She bit her lip and glanced at the crowd of people, "He didn't make it."

Hermione wiped at her eyes, "Who are your brothers?"

The healer sniffed and said, a voice so broken, "Colin and Dennis Creevey."

"Colin..." Hermione gasped and started crying. She pulled the healer into a tight hug.

Snape's eyes stung. _Creevey._ He looked at the woman before him. She did look similar. Mousy, wavy thick strawberry-blonde hair, dark blue eyes. _Creevey._

The boy was a menace with his camera. He was a kind boy, though relatively average academically, who cared little for what people thought of him. He was fiercely loyal.

Hermione whispered a thousand apologies and finally pulled away from the slightly older woman.

The healer looked at Severus, "Did you know him well? He talked about you sometimes. Seemed to like you well enough. Well. Until the end there."

He frowned and Severus' eyes stung again, "I did have the pleasure, yes."

That drew a small, yet sad, smile. Severus added, "Colin was a good young man. Kind. Unfailingly so. Cared nothing for what other people thought of him, which is quiet admiral for a boy his age. I am... terribly sorry for your loss," He said as he searched for a name tag.

"Beth," She said and wiped her eye.

"I am sorry, Beth. Terribly sorry," He said. The sympathy on his face was uncharacteristic, and Hermione touched his back gently.

"Did you... do you know anything about how? I just don't want him to have suffered."

"I do not. Had I been there, I assure you, I would have done anything I possibly could have done to save him," Severus said and his Adam's apple bobbed.

She nodded, "Thank you, Professor Snape. He spoke very highly of you, Miss Granger."

"Hermione, please. Call me Hermione," She said, and Beth nodded and wiped at her eyes again.

"Let's continue with the walk, shall we?" She gave them a half smile.

The walk was relatively silent until they got back to his room. Beth turned to him and asked, "How do you feel?" She gestured to his shoulder.

"Guilty," He said and Hermione looked at him in surprise. Emotional transparency was not something he was good at, "That I should live and your brother should die. I am not a hero - not by any standard. Those who fought and fell around me were," He said quietly.

"Thank you, Professor Snape. I don't know much about you, seems like not many people do, but - if the rumors are true - and you were a double agent through all of that... You are a hero. At least in my book," She said.

Severus turned away from her, his eyes shielded, and walked toward the bed.

"I'll get your stuff, yeah?" Beth said and walked out to find his belongings.

"Severus..."

He was silent. His face was stony and pale. She spoke again, "Severus, how is your arm?"

"It matters not," He said evenly, "Not when I live while others far better than I died. He was a boy."

Hermione crossed her arms over her stomach, "Severus, you deserve to live. Colin... He did too, but his sacrifice wasn't in vain..." She was crying.

"He was just a boy," Snape's voice was small and unlike she'd heard it before.

She walked up behind him and hugged him much like she had in his office all that time ago. He was shaking, and she squeezed him tightly. The door opened and Beth walked in and set the brown paper package on the bed. Hermione let go of him.

"I hope your wand is in there," She pointed to the package.

Snape turned around to face her as she turned to leave, "Beth?"

She turned back to him and met his eyes and he spoke again, "You'll be my healer? From now on? When you're working?"

She smiled, a little bit of brightness returned to her face, "Of course, Professor Snape."

He turned back around and heard he door swing closed behind her. He reached for the twine around the package and pulled it loose. Peeling the paper back, he grabbed his clothing and laid it flat on the bed.

Hermione gasped next to him and bile rose in his throat.

 _Oh, Hell..._


	11. Chapter 11

For some of those asking - I did change chapter 10 a bit and shifted some of the events to chapter 11. Felt a bit rushed to me!

The black fabric, most of the usual outfit, had a strange brownish-purple stain from blood. _My blood._ The white collar of his undershirt was covered in bright red. The fabric had stiffened as his blood had dried. Severus' eyes raked over the clothing in front of him. There were several buttons on both the frock coat and the undershirt that had been popped off when Nagini had pulled off of him.

He looked at the area where the snake had bitten him. Much of the fabric there was missing entirely and, what was left, were torn and frayed strips of fabric. His pants were covered in dried blood. His shoes had been liquid proof, so they looked mostly intact, except for the shoe laces. The violence and trauma of the attack showed clearly on his clothing, but it was but a small fraction of the trauma - physical, emotional, and mental - endured by the man for so many years.

Hermione was under his right arm with her hands encircling him. He pulled her closer.

"You... Saved me," He whispered.

She sniffed, "You saved me too. From Malfoy Manor. We probably would have died there."

He remembered her screams under Bellatrix's torture and shivered. _I am so sorry._

They stared at the clothing for a minute or two more in total silence. Hermione reaches toward the wrappings and pulled back the paper. His ebony wand was lying within the package. She picked it up and looked at it.

"Are you allowed to do magic?" She asked curiously.

"No idea," He said, "To be honest, I do not have much interest. Magic nearly killed me. Magic killed many of my students - present and past, colleagues, innocent witches and wizards."

"I understand, Sev," She said quietly and she turned to look over her shoulder when a small knock came and the door to his room swung open. Minerva McGonagall walked into the room, with Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley in tow.

Severus turned slowly to see who had entered his room and his eyes fixed on Weasley's. Hermione hugged the boys tightly. _Fred._

"I'm sorry I haven't been to visit, Ron," She said sincerely.

"It's alright, 'Mione. Honestly, things have been such a mess. This is the first time I've even left the house..." Ron said.

He looked pale. His clothes fit more loosely than they had previously. He was extremely pale and his hair was shaggy and unkempt. Ron very much looked the part of post-traumatic stress.

"Mr. Weasley," Severus said and then thought better of it, "Ronald, I am so very sorry for your loss. When he was not messing about in my classroom, I very much enjoyed your brother's sense of humor."

Ron shifted his eyes to the floor, "Yeah. Uh... Thanks." When he met Snape's eyes again, he was crying.

"I would have done anything to stop it if I could have," Severus said. His voice was low and deep.

"I know," Ron said and he meant it.

Severus looked to Minerva, who was staring at his clothing on the bed. Her eyes were watery and her hand was covering her mouth. Ron and Harry's soon fell on the physical evidence of how close he had come to death. Ron hadn't witnessed what occurred in the shack, and his face turned quite green and he swallowed hard.

Snape felt uncomfortable and exposed. He turned back to the bed and began to fold up the clothing and re-wrap it. _This is such a terrible moment, such a terrible thing to see._

"Severus..." Minerva said and walked toward the bed. Her hand reached out and touched the frayed fabric on the shoulder of the coat. Her eyes met his.

"I know, Minerva," He said. _She is one of few I am sure to see me still alive._

Ron spoke quietly, "Did you find your wand?"

Hermione pulled her hand off of Severus' back and showed Ron the wand.

"At least that's still in tact," He nodded.

"Yes," Severus said curtly.

Minerva wiped her eyes and handed Severus a slip of paper, "Here, lad. This is the draft of our press release statement. I have brought Mr. Weasley and Mr. Potter with me to show unity between the three," Her eyes looked to Hermione, "You, and our school. We will present a united front." _I am not alone. I am not alone. I am not alone._

Severus broke the official Hogwarts was seal and opened the envelope. Hermione gesured to it and took it and began reading aloud:

"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry commends the heroism of Professor T. Severus Snape, who served as a double-agent since before the first fall of Voldemort. He acted valiantly and with courage that far surpasses many demonstrated by any witch or wizard. Without Professor Snape, many of us would not be standing here today. In the final battle, our students rallied to their Headmaster and their loyalty remains with him. As a school, we support Professor Snape as a man, and a teacher. It is his intent to return to an, as of yet, undecided role at Hogwarts, where we will welcome him back.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is aware of the current relationship between Miss Hermione J. Granger and Professor Snape. After investigation and review, the relationship between the two consenting adults did not begin until after Miss Granger had unenrolled and, therefore, no policies or improper behavior occured while she was a student. Should Miss Granger return to Hogwarts, as she has expressed interest in doing, our school will privately handle their relationship properly and with delicacy. Hogwarts will make no further comment on their relationship at any time.

Furthermore, we as a school, along with Mr. Harry J. Potter and Mr. Ronald B. Weasley, who fought alongside Professor Snape and Miss Granger in the final battle and can testify to the ferocity of his loyalty to our cause, support both parties as individuals and as a pair. We wish them all the best in their future endeavors and look forward welcoming them both back to Hogwarts."

Severus' eyes filled with tears, "Are you sure about this Minerva? You could receive tremendous backlash."

"Oh, bugger the backlash," She waved her hand, "Is it suitable?"

Hermione struggled not to get emotional and looked at Severus. When he made no disagreement, she said, "Yes, Professor."

"Good," She said.

"I... am grateful for your support," Severus said as he looked at the three people standing across from him.

"Kind of owe you, Snape. One, for not killing me that day at the cottage and two, for taking care of my sister and three, for the blood brilliance it took to help us through all the way to the end." _Dear God..._

Severus said nothing, but his face spoke volumes. He was grateful, probably more so than he ever had been in his life.

Hermione added, "Yes, thank you."

Harry snorted, "Hermione, without you, and him, we would've been dead at 11." Hermione smiled.

"Very well," Minerva said, "You will want to get fully dressed, Severus. We will make this statement together, the five of us."

"Oh, bloody hell," He said and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Oh, cmon, Snape, it'll be great fun. You can glare and sneer at all the cameras," Potter said.

"Yes, I'm sure this sling makes me so intimidating," He said sarcastically.

"You don't need help looking intimidating, mate," Ron chuckled, "Not at all. Plus, you got bit by Voldemort's Snake. That's pretty intense.

 _Mate?_

Hermione unstrapped the sling and she transfigured his clothing to his usual attire, but without a robe. He winced at the heaviness of the clothing on his shoulder and she reattached his sling.

"Ready?" Minerva asked.

"No," He said firmly.

"Let's go then," She ignored him.

As they walked down the long hallway, he could see the mob of people awaiting them.

 _Out of the frying pan and into the media fire._


	12. Chapter 12

Hermione noticed that Severus' hand was shaking as he stood behind Minerva. His eyes were occuluded, but his jaw was twitching and he was more pale than usual.

She touched her cold fingertips to his hand and he said quietly, "Are you sure?" His eyes were still on the door in front of them.

"Yes, Severus," She said and touched her hand again to his, "Are you?"

"No," He said and he sounded so small and scared.

"Okay, Severus, I understand," She said. He could hear the slight disappointment in her voice.

Minerva turned to him, "Are you ready?"

Severus' eyes flickered, fear showing behind them, and then they were shielded again.

"As you'll ever be then?" She said and nodded. She turned around and stepped toward the door. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stepped forward as well. Severus did not.

Hermione turned around and walked back to him. He was staring over her head at the crowd of cameras.

"Sev?" She asked.

"I..." He said. _I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't._

"It's okay, Severus. It won't last long," She assured him.

"Mmm," He sounded uncertain.

"C'mon," She said and touched his right elbow.

He stepped forward and, before Minerva opened the door, he grabbed for her hand desperately and held onto it tightly.

As soon as the doors opened, the cameras were flashing incessantly and people were hollering all kinds of things at the group, mostly at Severus. It was hard to tell what was being shouted at him because there were so many voices at once. His hand shook harder in Hermione's. Hermione stepped forward next to Minerva, her hand sliding out of his, and Harry and Ron flanked him. _Hermione. Hermione._ His hand shook too visibly, so he gripped the bottom of his frock coat tightly.

Minerva put her wand to her throat and began reading the statement. Severus' eyes scanned the crowd and he scowled. _What a fucking circus._ The cameras flashed and he blinked at the brightness.

Minerva has finished her statement, pulled her wand away from her throat, and had turned to walk back into the hospital, when a reporter shouted, "How can you condone pedophilia like that? The man is old enough to be her father. She was his student. I'm not sure what it says about her that she sleeps with him, but it certainly isn't anything good?What the bloody hell is going on at that school? Hogwarts used to have an incredible reputation! What do you even get out of this, Granger?" _What the fuck did you just say?_

Severus could feel the rage bubbling in his stomach. Hermione growled next to him. His magic sparked in his fingertips and he stepped forward. The crowd stepped back, trained to fear this man, and he stood toe-to-toe with the short, fat man who had shouted at Minerva. He was at least half a foot taller than the reporter. He looked at him closely. The man was intimidated, but trying desperately to hide it. Harry's hand reached out and touched his elbow. _Fat pathetic little fuck._

Ron scowled at the man and said, "If you've got something to say, say it, prick. If you're trying to pick a fight, I don't know who your best bet would be, probably couldn't even take a first year, but it certainly would not be Snape. Take it from me - I've got firsthand experience," He spat. _True enough, Weasley._

More reporters shouted questions. Not all of them seemed bad, but Severus couldn't tell because there were so many at once. _Stop. Stop._

"We will not be taking questions. This was neither a discussion nor a debate," and she put her hand on Severus' back to escort him back inside.

Snape allowed her to guide him and turned back toward the hospital to look for Hermione. When he couldn't find her, a small amount of panic flared up in his chest. He pushed the door open and searched for her. She was standing near a corner away from the crowd against the window.

Harry and Ron looked at her and then back to Snape, "You should probably take that one, Snape. Probably mean more to her from you," Harry said.

"We'll meet you in your room," Ron nodded. Minerva's hand patted his back.

When he approached her, his heart wrenched as he noticed she was crying. _I'm so sorry, Hermione._

"Hermione..." He said quietly and out his arm around her waist.

"He called... He insinuated..."

"I know, Hermione," He said and she leaned into him, "You're nothing of the sort. You are not. I love you, Hermione. I love you."

She rested her head against his chest and he held her tightly to him. They stood there for a moment, staring at the window. She pulled away and he moved her in front of him, put his hand on her cheek, and kissed her forehead gently.

"I love you," He whispered.

"I love you," She answered.

He had his arm around her waist the entire way back to his room, despite how the angle and leaning stretched his skin painfully. _I love you. I love you._

When they arrived back in the room, Ron approached him, "I should be getting back, Snape. Mum will be getting irritated."

"Yes, Molly Weasley is a force to be reckoned with, isn't she?" Severus said coolly.

"You've no idea," He snorted, "Expect you'll find out soon enough - once she finds out about you and 'Mione."

"She is unaware?" Severus narrowed his eyes.

"Yes, she's been... a bit more than a recluse lately."

"Ah. Yes. Understandable," Severus acknowledged. _Poor woman._

"I'll be off then," Weasley stood awkwardly for a moment and then, much to everyone's surprise, extended his right hand.

Snape looked at his hand, hesitated, and then put his hand in it, "I am grateful for your support today."

"Yeah, no problem," Ron nodded. He moved away from Severus hugged the remaining three people in the room.

"I'll get out of here, too, Severus," Harry said and extended his hand to Snape. With far less hesitation, Severus gripped Harry's hand firmly. _Lily._ He hugged McGonagall and Hermione and took his leave.

"Where will you be staying once you leave? Your cottage?" Minerva asked.

"We have not spoke about it.

"Might I suggest Hogwarts? At least until after the memorial? They'll do an awards ceremony as well, for Order of Merlins," She said.

Snape rolled his eyes, "Yes, lovely. Memorials and ceremonies. How quaint."

"Severus... All of the dead will be awarded an Order of Merlin," Minerva said and raised her eyebrow at him. _Good. Good._

That shut Severus up quickly. Minerva said, "You can stay with us at Hogwarts as long as you like. You will be protected from all the media and any unsavory people."

"Hermione, what do you wish to do?"

"Why don't we stay at Hogwarts for a couple weeks? At least until after the memorial. We can decide what to do after that?"

"The lady has spoken," Severus smirked.

"You are a good man to listen to your woman," Minerva laughed.

Severus chuckled, "I am no fool, Minerva."

"Indeed, you are not. I shall see you both tomorrow morning at breakfast? There are no students at Hogwarts at all this summer. Only staff." _Hogwarts will be safe._

"Of course, Professor," Hermione smiled.

She hugged Severus gently and avoided his shoulder and pulled Hermione tightly to her.

"I'll see you tomorrow," She nodded and left.

Hermione looked at him, "Are you ready to leave?" _God, Yes._

"Yes," He said quickly, "I am nervous, but I want to leave. I..."

"What?"

"I want to feel at least a semblance of normalcy... Of peace. I want that... with you," He was nervous , but stared into her eyes. _I love you._

"I want that too, Severus," She said and reached up to kiss him.

 _I love you. I love you. I love you._


	13. Chapter 13

"Good morning, Professor Snape!" Beth walked into his room with a smile on her face.

"Severus," He said - anxiety coursing through his veins. _I want to go home._

"I'm not really allowed to call you by your first name since you're my patient, but we'll keep private, yeah? We've got some things to go over before discharge."

She laid his chart at the foot of his bed and pulled out a large flat circular container and a large vial. She held up the vial, "Just a standard anti-inflammatory. 1-2 swallows should last you 6-12 hours. Shouldn't use more than that - nausea is a side effect with larger doses. This container is a healing salve. Works both internally and externally. Twice daily - when you wake up and before you go to bed," She sighed, "What a giant waste of our time, yeah? Considering you're a Potion's Master and all. Supervisor still made me do it."

Severus chuckled, "It's no matter," As Hermione laughed. _I love you._

Any questions?" Beth's dark blue eyes looked between the pair.

"You'll be the healer we work with? Schedule his follow-up appointments with?" Hermione asked.

"Course!" She smiled, "We'll give you about a month to heal up a bit more and get some strength back. Use that salve. Don't baby it too much, or you'll set yourself back further," Her eyes warned him, "Then you come back, okay?"

Severus looked at her and said nothing. _I want to go home._

"Yeah, looks like we're all set!" Hermione looked from Severus' impassive face to Beth. She took the container and the vial from the healer and set them in her bag, "I assume he can't apparate?"

Beth shook her head, "No. You could walk to the train statio for the Hogwarts Express," Severus' face turned grim at the thought of walking He was brought in by Floo. Apparating would've torn his arm off, and I'd reckon it'd do the same now. Floo won't feel much better, though, I'm afraid. Won't rip your arm off though," She swallowed, "Might feel like it though," She finished.

"On second thought," Hermione said and retrieved the anti-inflammatory from her bag, unstoppered it, and handed it to Severus. The healer snorted.

Severus took two rather large swallows and handed the vial back to Hermione, who stoppered it, and put it back in her bag.

"Ready?" Beth asked.

"I have been ready to leave this place since the moment I awoke in it," Severus said with a hint of disgust.

"I'll lead you to the Floo," Beth said and they followed her in silence.

They stood before the fireplace, and Hermione turned and hugged the healer, "Thank you for everything you did for him, that you do for everyone. I'm so sorry about, Colin," She said quietly, "You'll be at the memorial and ceremony?"

When Severus shifted his body to face her, he could see tears in her eyes and, when she spoke, her voice quivered, "Yeah, we'll be there."

"We will see you then," Hermione said and squeezed the woman's arm. Beth turned her eyes to Severus.

"Thank you. For your help and for being mildly pleasant company," She snorted at him, "I am sincerely sorry for your loss. Our world was better with Colin in it," He said softly.

Beth nodded, "Go on. Get. 'Fore you make me totally breakdown."

They stepped into the fireplace, and Hermione grabbed the floo powder.

"This one only connects to Hogwarts - the hospital wing - don't even have to say anything. Take care of that arm, and each other," Beth walked away down the hall.

Hermione threw the powder at their feet and they were transported to the fireplace in the hospital wing. Severus stumbled out howling in pain. He leaned against the wall next to the bricks and then bent over at the waist. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._

"I'm so sorry, Severus. It will pass soon," She said, "It will pass," she rubbed his back in comforting circles.

Having heard the scream, the Heads of House appeared at the doorway. Snape straightened up and leaned back against the wall. He was breathing heavily, clenching his jaw, and sweating. _Fucking hell._

"Severus," Slughorn stepped forward. There was emotion all over his aging face. He approached Severus slowly, as if he might scare the younger man if he moved too quickly.

When he stood in front of Severus, he realized that they were the exact same height now. Severus had always been tall and lanky as a boy, but it had been so many years since he had truly stood next to him as a man.

"My Slytherin," Slughorn reached out and put his left hand on Severus' right cheek, "My brave, brave boy. You are, truly, the epitome of redemption, and you have grown to embody everything that is good in our House, my boy. I could not be more proud of anyone than I am of you," Slughorn said seriously, "Your loyalty and ferocious determination is admirable. I believe, Severus, that you could fit perfectly within any house. You are brave beyond measure as any Gryffindor I have ever met, intelligent as any Raveclaw, loyal as a Hufflepuff, and determined as nearly all Slytherins, but I am proud to have you in my house." _Oh, Horace..._

Snape swallowed and stared at the man he had admired for so, so many years. Severus was a very intelligent student, with a talent for all areas. His abilities in potions, though, garnered Slughorn's affections and Severus had clung to it, pursuing any independent studies or extra work. Horace was most certainly upset at Severus' eventual slide into the Dark Arts. It was truly one of the most painful aspects of his role that he had to disappoint this man, even if only in appearances. Severus had decent relationships with his professors while at school. Minerva had taken a liking to him, but probably mostly out of sympathy and empathy for his home life and his lack of friends. She spent far more time with her Gryffindor, which is the nature of a Head of House.

Severus stared into the gooseberry eyes of Horace Slughorn, seemingly lost for words and blinking quickly, "Thank... Thank you," He stumbled through his obvious emotions.

Hermione touched his arm affectionately and Horace watched her movement, "When I first heard of this," He gestured between the two younger people in front of him, "I thought it couldn't be true, but the longer I thought of it, the more sense it made. I do, however, hope that you were as gentlemanly as the press release made you out to be," Horace raised an eyebrow at him.

"Oh, he was, Professor Slughorn," Hermione assured him adamantly.

"Good. I have never seen you treat women with anything but respect, and I should hope I never do. Be happy, boy. You've been miserable for far too long for reasons beyond your control."

Flitwick had moved up to Severus and was followed closely by Pomona, "Severus, thank you. For all that you have done. You saved more lives than we could ever imagine by doing what you did. The role you played was perilous, and you so often were forced to lie and to turn people against you," He said, "Your relationship with Miss Granger is a bit... unexpected, if I'm honest. Like Horace, I can see how it works, but I suppose in time, I will be as comfortable with it as I would be any other. I do not think you would pursue a child, and I believe you that you did not."

"Yes, I quite agree, Severus. You are a good man, a great man. We are all flawed to our cores, but I think speak for everyone when I say that any one of us would have been honored to have you in our house," Her statement was met with nodding from all four of the professors before him, "You take care of that girl, but really, Miss Granger," She looked at Hermione, "You take care of that man," she smiled, "I do believe you will both have your hands full dealing with the other," She chuckled.

Severus nodded a bit, and then winced as the throbbing pain in his shoulder and neck flared up more intensely. _When is this going to go away?!_

Hermione squeezed his forearm, "Now, then," She said, "Before Severus dies of embarrassment or too much attention, we should probably get going to the hall." _Thank you. Thank you._

The professors laughed, smiled, and turned to walk out of the hospital wing. Hermione stepped forward. Severus leaned off the wall, hissed, and leaned back. _Damn it!_

Hermione looked at him in concern and he ground out, "Bloody Floo."

"You need a moment?"

"Yes," He said firmly.

She waited with him, and when everyone was out of sight and earshot, she said to him, "They meant those words, Severus," and his eyes filled with tears. He didn't say anything and focused his energy on breathing.

"Harry wants to stop by. We have a couple things to talk to you about. More details about the end of the war. He wants to talk to you privately, too."

 _Oh, bloody hell._ He looked at her and studied her face, looking for some inclination as to if it was a positive or negative discussion to be had, and she smiled, so he relaxed.

He stood still for another minute and then leaned off the wall, tugged at the sling strap on his right shoulder and said, "Shall we?"

 _I am home._


	14. Chapter 14

After breakfast, Hermione and Severus made their way to the Headmaster's office to move Severus' belongings to one of the private staff quarters where he would stay for the remainder of the summer. Hermione was far more efficient in moving things and Severus watched her work. He did not use his wand. _I'm not ready._

When all of his things were moved, she asked quietly if he was ready to talk to Harry with her. He shrugged his right shoulder, "Whenever is fine."

She looked at him, and a feeling of dread settled in his stomach. He could not quite place her expression. _What is this about..._

"I'll send my Patronus," She said and the playful little otter appeared. Severus watched the beautiful, playful creature circle around Hermione before it settled happily in front of her while she spoke to it. _Otters are so curious, yet fearless. Her Patronus fits her so well._ The otter soared off to Potter.

Severus walked toward the couch and sat down on it. Hermione followed him, but sat with distance between them that made him anxious. He could not turn his neck to face her comfortably, so he sat in silence. It was a silence she did not break.

 _What is going on... why isn't she speaking. It's bad. It's bad._

Potter showed up quite quickly. He summoned two chairs and Harry and Hermione sat across from Severus so he could look at them directly without pain.

"Why does this appear to be some sort of intervention?" Severus asked with trepidation in his voice.

"It's not," Harry shook his head.

Severus looked anxiously between Harry and Hermione, "Then what is this about?"

"The end of the battle, first."

"What of it?"

Harry looked at Hermione and then began to speak. "We... Wanted you to hear this from us. The reason there are a lot of headlines about you, besides the fact you wiped two Death Eaters memories in front of over a hundred students, is... Well..."

"Out with it, Potter," Snape snapped, and then added, "Please."

"During the final confrontation between me and Voldemort," Snape flinched, "Hermione and I... We kind of had words with him about your loyalty."

"What sort of words?" Snape's anxiety was growing.

"Well..." Harry said and looked to Hermione.

"Would you rather look?" Hermione asked.

"What?" Snape narrowed his dark eyes at her.

"In my mind? To see the memory?" She explained.

"Absolutely not," He snapped, "If this is going to go how I think it will, you both should have the decency to speak the words." He was already feeling betrayed and exposed.

"Well, Voldemort started talking about how he had killed you, and you were the master of the Elder Wand, and Hermione kind of lost it," Harry said.

"How?" Snape drawled.

"I said 'Severus Snape wasn't yours'," She said clearly.

Severus looked back to Harry. Behind his black eyes, a flame ignited.

"And?" Snape said.

"And it sort of escalated from there. It was a bit of a back and forth, but it was short, really," Harry avoided Snape's piercing gaze.

"What was said, boy?" Snape said through his teeth.

"I asked if he'd ever seen you cast a Patronus, and Hermione said it was a doe," Harry said.

Hermione explained further, "I said it was a doe, which was the same as Harry's mother. That you loved her, and had betrayed him the moment he started hunting Lily Potter, that you spied for us, that you were Dumbledore's from the moment he set his sights on Lily all those years ago," She, too, avoided his eyes.

Severus stared beyond them, at the crackling fireplace. The flame reflecting in his eyes was nothing compared to the flame behind his eyes. He was dangerously quiet for several minutes.

"How many people were there?" He asked. His voice was cold.

"Well... you know," Harry stumbled for words.

"Don't sugarcoat it, Harry. He'll find out anyway," Hermione said.

"HOW MANY?!" Snape bellowed and caused both of the Gryffindors to jump.

"A lot," Harry said quietly.

Severus' eyes went slowly from Harry to Hermione, "You have betrayed me."

Hermione's eyes filled with tears, "No, Severus, please. I was defending you. I couldn't stand to listen to him claim you, flaunt how he had killed you - he had thought that and had no idea you were alive, while you were fighting for your life."

"You have betrayed me. Both of you. You have put my life under more of a microscope than it would have been if you had said nothing. I could have been just Dumbledore's spy. Now, I am hounded by the media, they're writing all sorts of things about my private life, and you're telling me you have exposed the thing I have guarded and held most closely to my heart for nearly my entire life?"

"We didn't mean to do any of that. It was war. It was a confrontation with him. We wanted to defend you," Harry tried to explain.

"The papers will get ahold of this. This is the only reason you are telling me this," Snape said in a venomous voice.

"They probably will get ahold of it," Harry said, "But we would've have told you anyway. We would have done. I swear it."

"Your word means nothing to me. Nothing," Snape sneered, "Neither of yours."

"You told me that I could reveal things as I felt necessary. It felt necessary!" Hermione shouted at him.

"That piece? That particular piece of information? No. I think not," His voice was colder than ice. He stood.

"Snape, c'mon, don't leave," Harry pleaded.

"Whatever else you wished to discuss with me, Potter, can wait indefinitely," Snape turned around and moved toward the door.

"C'mon, please don't do this," Harry said again.

"Let him go, Harry," Hermione said coldly, "He always runs when he doesn't like something. He's a stubborn fool, you see. Cannot see past his own pride."

"Hermione, don't say that," Harry said, "He's been through a lot. He's injured."

Snape stopped in his tracks and for a moment considered turning on her in fluffy of weaponized words. Instead, he continued to the door.

"Some things never change, Harry. Snape is, by and large, one of those things," Hermione said with finality.

 _Snape? Fuck off._ He opened the door with his right hand with such force that he felt as if he were tearing his shoulder wide open, and the door slammed into the wall. He stormed out into the corridor and out of the school.

 _Snape? Snape? I am betrayed. Lily. I am alone._


	15. Chapter 15

Snape stalked down the grounds away from the castle. Before he knew where he was headed, he was passing the lake and headed away from the property. He was so angry that he wasn't even totally aware of where he was going. He had no destination in mind. Just away from them.

 _Exposed. Betrayed. Torn open. It hurts. It hurts._

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Whomping Willow. _Fucking hell. Why not?_

He walked toward it. The willow was injured, possibly dying, probably from Voldemort's horrendous magic, and put up no fight when Severus entered the tunnel. He walked slowly toward the shack.

The low ceilings in the tunnel hurt him quite badly as he had to stoop to move forward. It felt like a terrible form of deja vu. He had flashbacks - memories of the moment - emotional replays.

 _Anxiety. Fear. Dread. Cold. Cold. I'm going to my death. Hermione. Draco. Harry. Harry. Lily. Guilt._

He stood before the door that would open into the shack. He stood up straight. The sling pulled at his right shoulder uncomfortably and his left shoulder throbbed and protested his movements, the stooping, the floo, the walking under the thick and heavy fabric of his coat. He pushed his fingertips into the old wooden door and it creaked open.

The first thing he saw was the blood stain. All over the paled and scratched and aged wood. _There is so much. So much._ The flashbacks came.

 _Snake. On the floor. Coiled tightly. At his feet. Poised. The ceiling above him as he bled. The last thing he thought he'd ever see._

 _The cold eyes. Turned on him. No soul in them._

 _'Only I can live forever.'_

 _'You have been a good and faithful servant, Severus.'_

 _'I regret it.'_

 _'I regret it.'_

 _'I regret it.'_

The large blood stain stood out in stark contrast against the wood. It spread over much of the floor. He stared at the stain. _Mine. It's all mine. It's mine._

Severus felt nauseous, cold, and tremendously alone. _Don't stay here._

He turned and made his way out of the doorway and something caught his eye on the dusty floor of the platform outside the door. _The ring._

Severus squatted down and picked up the ring and looked at it. _Hermione._ He remembered how it had given him access to her location, her emotions. How it had allowed him to save her. _Bellatrix. What ever happened to that bitch?_

He put the ring in his pocket as he was aware Hermione still wore hers and he had no intention of giving her access to him.

He walked out of the tunnel and winced as he stood up straight. The sun's brightness made it difficult for his eyes to adjust, and when they did, dozens of cameras flashed in his face.

 _What the fuck?_

There were reporters. Everywhere. Shouting at him. His surprise at being seen was evident as he stumbled back two steps. He was alone. Cornered. He held his breath and moved forward, plowing through the crowd. They allowed him passage but only just. They closed in on him and one man, who was not paying attention and was instead fiddling with his camera, bumped into Severus' injured shoulder.

"Fuck!" He yelled out and clutched his arm. He continued moving forward, enraged and in pain.

He could feel himself begin to panic at the crowd and the questions and the noise and the pain. His hands began to shake and he felt ill. The ringing in his ears got louder. The people surrounding him began to swirl.

"Severus?!"

 _Minerva. Oh, thank God. Thank God._

"What on Earth are you doing here? This isn't Hogwarts property! They're free to be here!" She gestured to the journalists.

"Clearly," He scowled. He looked over her shoulder and saw that Horace Slughorn was behind her and was staring at him with tremendous concern. She put her arm on Severus' back and guided him away back toward the castle, walking closely on his right side. Slughorn took two long strides and stood closely to Severus' left side, but careful of his injured arm. He was protected by two very powerful people. As the crowd behind him yelled at him, their words all lost in the volume, he felt a strange sense of safety that he very rarely felt.

 _Thank you. Thank you._

As soon as they crossed the barrier protecting Hogwarts, the photographers had to stop and he sighed a huge sigh of relief. The noise was gone, but the ringing in his ears wasn't. Horace humming, and Severus could barely hear it.

"What were you doing there? Why are you alone? Where is Miss Granger?" Minerva asked as they continued to walk toward the entrance.

"I wanted to see it," His answer was short and sharp.

"See what? Bloody hell, Severus! You went in there?!" She was loud now.

"Yes."

"You nearly died there!"

"It is my near-death location. I have every right to go."

"Are you a masochist now?" She scolded.

"When have I not been?" He growled.

They were back at the castle, and she stopped him and turned him to look at her, "Severus..."

"I am in no mood for a lecture," He said and moved past her.

"You're welcome, Severus! For saving your stubborn arse back there!"

"Hmph," He grunted.

When he made it back to his rooms, he kicked the door open and then hissed at the pain. He knew she wouldn't still be here. She was probably off with Potter somewhere heroizing him. _Fuck it._

He moved to the kitchen and slammed open a cupboard where he knew he had stored his whiskey. Grabbing it and unscrewing the cap, he took a large gulp. It burned all the way down the back of his throat. He moved away from the cabinet, not even bothering to close it, and sat at the kitchen table.

As he drank from the bottle, his anger turned to depression, "'Alcohol is a depressant, Severus,'" He mumbled to mock Minerva.

He was quiet and his head filled with dark thoughts. His mind replayed seeing the stain on the shack floor over and over and over again. The more alcohol he drank, the redder the stain became.

' _I regret it.'_


	16. Chapter 16

Severus stayed up quite late drinking and slept in even later. When he woke up, he had a terrible hangover. The alcohol had gotten the best of him - he was still mostly dressed. He'd only managed to get out of the frock coat somehow. The white dress shirt was wrinkled and untucked. His arm hurt badly because he had been too drunk to consider the injury when he picked a sleeping position. He looked for the pain potion, but soon realized that Hermione had it. Growling, he went to his cabinets in the bathroom for something. He found a more mild pain potion and downed it in one swig.

The door slammed and he jumped and walked to see who had come in. It was Hermione. She looked at him and assessed his appearance.

"Really, Severus?"

"Mmmm," He grumbled and walked away.

"I'm leaving," She snapped, "I'm going to stay with Harry. You've got things to sort out on your own and, until you've done that, there's no point here. We will always run into the same wall."

"You're what?" He turned around and his eyes were ablaze. _No. No. No._

"I'm. Leaving."

His soul began snapping into pieces, "For good? That's it?"

"I don't know. It depends on what how you figure your own things out, Severus" She flicked her wand and her things began packing themselves.

"You are leaving me? You ousted me to the wizard of world. Not even just ousted, you betrayed one of the most private things about me, and it was unnecessary to do so," He growled.

"Is it really about that, or is it about something else?" She glared at him with her hand on her hip.

He narrowed his eyes at her, "What else would it be about?"

"Lily," She said firmly.

"That's absurd," He rolled his eyes and threw his hand up, "It isn't about her!" _Is it?_

"It's always about her, Severus. Your distrust, you push people away, you are quick to anger and slow to forgive, you're distant, emotionally unavailable at times, you are panicked when you think someone will leave, but you're the quick to get out the door at the first sign of trouble ... It all goes back to her."

"Unbelievable. She's been dead nearly 17 years, Hermione," He said. _17\. My fault._

"I know that. Do you?"

He was angry now, defensive, "You know what I did to her, to her family."

"Yes, I know, but what are you going to do now?"

His eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open, but he quickly closed it and remained silent.

"I'm leaving, Severus. I'm leaving. Harry's out in the hall. I'm going to Grimmauld Place now. He'd like to stay and speak with you. I highly suggest you at least hear him out and consider what he offers. If you don't, you've got your answer about me, and about you, too."

 _No. No. Stop her. Stop her,_ "Hermione," He said. _I need you._

"No. Let me go," She said quickly. She grabbed her bags, opened the door, nodded her head to someone outside of the doorway, and then he heard her walk down the corridor. _No._

Harry walked in and Severus' face darkened. Potter shut the door behind himself and stepped forward, "Listen, we've got some things to talk about, and I don't think you're going to like it, but if you've got any chance of having any sort of life now, you've got to at least consider what I'm saying." _I highly doubt that._

Snape glared at him, "I had enough lectures from your mother, Potter. I won't hear them from you."

"Funny you should mention her," Harry walked to the kitchen table, sat, and the motioned for Snape to sit as well.

Snape's face was hard and his eyes were darker than Harry had ever seen them. He sat across from the boy and his eyes pierced him.

"In the Forbidden Forest, on my way to meet Voldemort, I had that snitch that Dumbledore left me. It had a message on it, if I touched my lips to it, it said 'I open at the close.' Didn't really know what it meant until that moment. Touched my lips to it, confessed I was ready to die, and the snitch opened," Harry scratched his head, "Inside it was one of the Deathly Hallows. You're familiar with them, yeah?"

"Don't insult me, boy," Snape snarled.

"The Resurrection Stone was inside of it," He said and met Snape's hateful stare. Something flickered behind the dark eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it had come, "I turned it over in my hand three times. Sirius and my dad appeared. My mum too," Harry said. _No._

"I have no interest in this conversation," Snape said angrily.

"I don't care what you have an interest in, Snape," Harry snapped, "I got to talk with them. Apologize. Ask questions. It was...Cathartic." _Such a large word for such a stupid boy._

"I talked with my mum about you a little bit. Briefly," Harry said.

 _Fuck._ Snape sneered, "Oh, I bet the boys had a laugh."

"No. Nobody laughed," Harry said seriously, "All of them were there because they're a part of me, because they loved me and I loved them. Do y'know who would show up for you?"

Snape's eyes went wide for a moment, and then he resumed scowling.

"I was going to drop the stone in the woods, but mum said she would like to speak with you, if you'd do. She said it might help you, and that she wants to help you. If you'd use the stone," Harry said.

"You still have the stone?" Snape's voice sounded like a mix between curiousity and revulsion.

"Yes," Harry answered. _Why?_

Snape was quiet and awkwardly stiff, then seethed, "Tell me: why would I wish to speak to a woman who refused to accept an apology all those years ago for something I said out of humiliation and frustration? I groveled, begged, pleaded for forgiveness. She had her chance to help me. Why would I want to speak to her now?" _She didn't care then._

Harry said, "Because you still love her, and you don't know how to live without feeling like you owe her."

Snape hissed. _He's right, isn't he? He's right?_ "Get out."

"You should do this," Harry said, "It will help. It will help you in your relationship, too, I think."

Snape slammed his fist down on the table hard, "I don't need your fucking advice, you foolish boy!"

"You just let your second chance walk out that door," Harry jabbed his thumb over his shoulder toward the door, "Who is the foolish one?"

Snape stared at him, contemplated a whole host of insults and threats, but Potter cut him off, and stood, "Think about it," and he laid the stone on the table, "I want that back either way. I intend to get rid of it." _Fuck._

Snape's lip twitched in anger, a fury like none other on his face. Harry walked toward the door and turned to him once more before leaving, "You've gotta do it. This is your hang up, and you and Hermione will just keep hitting this wall..."

Snape said nothing and Harry left. He moved his eyes to the table and looked at the stone. This fabled stone held within it a whole realm of possibility. It could be horrible, a confirmation of his fears and anxieties, an assurance of his failure, a disappointment in him, and a resounding disgust with his existence. Or... it could be absolution, forgiveness, relief of the guilt, a way to move forward... His pointer finger tapped on the table.

 _I can't do this. Can I? I can't. I can't do it. I won't. I cannot face her. I can't face the possibility of rejection again._

 _I can't._

 _I can't._

 _'I regret it.'_


	17. Chapter 17

A silver stag burst into his quarters three days later, and Harry Potter's voice came out of it, "Have you used the stone yet?"

Snape growled at the sight of the wispy beast and pulled his T-shirt over his head painfully. One handed was hard enough, but getting the injured arm through the sleeve hole was a painful challenge. _Could use magic._ He scowled. _No._

The stag followed him from his bedroom to the kitchen. Snape stared at the stone as it laid menacingly in the exact spot Harry had set it. He turned on the animal, "No."

The stag looked angry, flashed his mighty horns, and huffed at Snape. Severus sneered, "Get!" The stag turned and walked away with its nose in the air, "Arrogant moose." _Piss off._

A house elf appeared with his morning toast and tea, "Good morning, Master Snape!"

Snape sighed and took the toast and tea from the elf, "Much appreciated" He said lowly. The elf disapparated and Severus went to a chair in his sitting room. The toast he left sitting on the table. He was just about halfway done with his tea when someone knocked on the door to his quarters. _Fucking hell._

"Enter," He snapped.

Harry Potter walked into his quarters and, after looking around, asked, "Is Hermione here? She said she would be."

Miss Granger did not do what she said she would?" He sneered dangerously, "How...Surprising."

Harry quickly surmised that Severus was not in the mood for any conversation, but continued anyway, "She'll come."

"Lovely," His voice was dangerous.

"Hey," Harry said and sat across from Snape on the couch, "I'm really sorry about what happened, what was said about you. It was private. You were right. Neither of us should have said anything. It wasn't our place. It just... The whole thing. I thought I was going to die, and then I didn't, then I'm confronting Voldemort," Snape flinched and winced, "And he's saying all this about how he just killed you. I couldn't... It was like you didn't matter, y'know? I just saw what he... What he ordered his snake to do."

Severus stared at him with an air of disinterest. _The boy means well. He always has._

Harry continued, "And it felt like... If he was saying that you didn't matter, that... It felt like he was saying that about my mum. That she didn't... Matter," He was nearly crying, "You spent 17 years of your life making sure she mattered. And he just..."

 _Oh, Harry._

"I am sorry, for what was said. How it was said. How much was said. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have. You deserved more than that. I know... Look, I know you're not proud of the fact you did this all for love, or guilt, or whatever, but I'm not ashamed of it. And, because I wasn't, I was too loose lipped in the end. I wanted my mum to matter, for you to matter, and for people to be proud... of you," Harry's voice was quiet and steady even through his emotions, "I am sorry, Severus. I know you're angry, and that you feel betrayed. You should be. You should feel betrayed. It was stupid on our part. It wasn't necessary to talk about that bit. That was yours. It was private. I'm rambling and you're saying nothing. I'm sorry."

Severus stared at him. The boy's hair was still longer and seemed to grow by the minute. His green eyes were swimming with restrained tears. Harry has the hint of stubble on his neck and across his cheeks in patches.

"Very well," Severus said, set his tea down, and cleared his throat, "I have heard you."

Harry's eyes searched Snape's face, "You're still angry?"

"Oh, yes," Severus said and the boy's face fell to misery, "I have heard you, Potter. I do not know how to handle this any better than any of you, but I feel more scrutinized than ever. Your reasoning... Your emotions behind saying what you said... I do not agree with them, but I can acknowledge you may have felt them. I stand by what I said that night in Shell Cottage: your mother would be so proud of you."

Harry's lip began to tremble, but the door opened behind them. Sure enough, Granger walked quickly into his room, "Sorry I'm late."

He glared at her, but, even in all his rage and feelings of betrayal toward her, she still managed to take his breath away. _Hermione._ His heart fluttered and he quickly reigned himself in and a scowl was painted across his face again.

"Oh, you've already talked to him?" She looked at Harry's face, at his emotion, and deduced he and Severus had already spoken. Potter nodded and wiped his nose.

Hermione looked beyond Harry at the table, "You've just left it there on the table?"

Severus did not answer her. _Obviously, woman._

"That's a Deathly Hallow. You can't simply leave it lying about in the open!" She looked back at him in frustration. _I get no visitors._

He still did not speak, and she moved around to sit next to Harry, "If he's not going to use it, then take it back." _Yes, please._

Harry gripped his hands together, "It doesn't matter, Hermione. If he wants to use it or not, maybe he's decided, maybe not, but it's beside the point. I came here to apologize. I've done it. If you've got something to talk with him about, and I sincerely hope you do, now is your chance." _Lovely._

Hermione stared at him, and then looked back at Severus. His eyes were on Potter, not her. Potter stood and took his leave in silence. When the door closed behind Harry, Severus' dark eyes locked with Hermione's.

"Why haven't you used it?"

"Because I'm no one's puppet anymore. Not even yours," He said darkly.

"I never wanted you to be a puppet! I just wanted to help," She sighed.

His eyes hardened, "Did it ever cross your brilliant mind that I don't want or need your help?"

"You're happy then? With how things are? With us running into the same bloody wall over and over?" She crossed her arms.

"No," The honesty of his answer surprised both of them.

Her eyes looked over his face, his body, and then she started crying, "Severus, I'm so sorry. I should've... I put the very thing that you held most private and dear out there on display," She said and wiped her eyes.

"Twice."

"What?"

"Twice. You did that twice," He said coldly.

"I'm sorry. You're right. I did do it twice," She said, "I was wrong, Severus. I was so wrong to do that. I thought I was doing it for all sorts of noble reasons. I wanted to defend your honor. I wanted to let the entire world know that they've been wrong about you, that you are a good man, an honorable man, a brave man, and a man worth loving. I didn't want Voldemort to die thinking he had you as his. I wanted him to know who you truly were, that you loved despite all odds. I wanted ... It doesn't matter. There is nothing that justifies what I said, what I did to you. Nothing. At the end of it all, I had a choice, and I made a bad one."

He didn't speak. His mind was reeling over her words. _Hermione._ He could smell her even from where he sat. _Almond. Shea. Please._

"I was selfish. I was so selfish. You deserved more than that from me as your partner and as your Secret Keeper. I am sorry, Severus. Harry had it out with me, you know, more than once over the last couple of days. He put things into perspective, and he didn't let me off easy. Still hasn't, actually. There is nothing I wouldn't do to fix this."

Severus said nothing for a long while and then said softly, "Why do you want me to use that stone?" _Please._

"I don't necessarily want you to. I think it could help. From what Harry's told me about his conversation with his mum about you, it could be good for you. It is your decision though. You don't have to. I just thought that it might help you draw up some personal goals for yourself, for your life, now that the war is over and you've fulfilled your debt. Live your life how you want."

He said nothing.

"How is your arm?"

"Fine."

"How are you?"

"I do not know what to do here."

"What do you mean?"

"Us," He said.

"I know. It's all messed up isn't it?"

"I do not know that I can trust you again," He said and his voice broke, "And that terrifies me."

She let out a sob, "I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I think we both have some things to work out in our heads to find out what we want, and how we want to go about getting what we want. I know I've got a lot of work to do to be the kind of person you deserve, and I know you've got your own things to sort through."

He looked at her and his eyes stung. She spoke again, "I'll let you reach out should you wish to speak again, okay?"

"Yes." She was gone.

 _Gone._

 _Gone._

 _Gone._

 _'I regret it.'_


	18. Chapter 18

Late that night, Severus stood by his fireplace staring into the burning embers. The flames had long since gone.

Rationally, he knew that Hermione did not do what she had done to hurt him. In her mind, it made sense; it was right, noble. _It was Gryffindor._ He shivered. But what of her? _Personal goals? Life goals?_ As much as he loathed the idea of giving her any credit at the moment, he recognized that, beyond risking his life every day for a bit over 17 years to save Lily's son, he had no goals.

 _I didn't expect to live this far. What do I do? What do I even want to do? What of her? I do not wish to keep hitting these same walls._

He walked over to the table where the stone sat, and he stared at it. He dared not touch it. It was so much smaller than one would think that something called a "deathly hallow" would be. It was not round, nor smooth, but had sharp edges, like a many-faced die.

There was a time when Severus would have done anything and everything to be able to speak to Lily once more. Now, the opportunity sat not centimeters from his fingertips, and he was hesitant. _How do I do this? How can I do this? Why is this so hard? Potter said she wanted to speak with me?_

As he mulled the options, a sinking feeling grew in the pit of his stomach. It was probably better, to speak with her, because if he didn't, he'd always wonder about if he had. If she screamed at him, at least that was clear cut and dry. _Blast it._

Picking up the bottle of whiskey, he took a rather large swallow and then tightened the cap. Severus set the bottle on the counter, "I will need you later," He mumbled.

He turned back to the table, took one step, and picked up the stone. The obsidian stone was both smooth and shape and felt quite like glass. The dread in his stomach grew tenfold. _Three times over. Three times over._ He brought the stone to set between both hands and it was awkward with one being in a sling to look at his hands.

 _One._

 _Two._

 _Three._

"Severus." _Oh, bloody hell._

He turned around slowly to look in the sitting room. _No. No. Lily._

He staggered backward, hit the table, and it slid across the floor until he regained his footing. He moved to her quickly and stared in disbelief. She was smaller than he remembered, and he stood tall over her. His eyes raked her face. She was 21. Still. _Forever_. Dark red and wavy thick hair. Pale skin, and a slender pointed nose. Her eyes. Hers. _Lily._

"Lily," His voice was hoarse.

"I'm glad you decided to use the stone, Sev," _Sev..._

Severus stared at her in wonder, but he couldn't ignore the feeling of bitterness and guilt in his chest.

"You protected Harry. For all of those years," She said, "You saved my boy so many times."

"I owed you. That's it," Snape said firmly.

"You can lie to yourself, but you cannot lie to me. One of the perks of being dead, you see," She smiled at him. _Lily..._ "You felt you had a debt, but you cannot truly believe that is the only reason you helped my son. I am not the only reason."

Snape's eyes dropped away from hers, "I am..." He looked at her again, "I am sorry, Lily. I am so..." He was crying now, unable to restrain himself.

"Sev, no," She said. There was an empathy in her voice he hadn't heard since they were young, "I have watched you every day since the moment of my death."

His eyes went wide, and she continued, "Every single day, Severus. You were not perfect in your journey here, but you've done so many good and brave things. Not perfect. You were a bully to Harry, to his friends, and you've no excuse for that. Don't try to tell me he looks too much like James. You know he is my son."

Severus said, "It wasn't just that he looked like James. He was yours. The evidence of your preference and love for someone else."

"He was a child, Sev, an innocent child, who had no parents and no respectable family looking after him," She said. She frowned and his heart sank.

"I...I know," He said, "It's my fault, Lily, that he didn't have parents," His eyes drifted to the floor again.

"I do not want you to chain your life to this guilt anymore, Sev. No longer can I be the woman you inadvertently got killed," Lily said and he stared into her eyes, "I forgive you, Severus Snape."

A sob escaped from is mouth he had been holding for over 20-years. _Lily. Oh, Lily._

She was quiet for a moment while he fought for control over his emotions and she spoke again calmly, "But me forgiving you was never really the point of this conversation, was it?"

He looked thoroughly confused and, when he opened his mouth, she smiled and put a finger over her lips, "All those years ago, I was a stubborn 16-year-old girl who should have forgiven her best friend for something he said in a moment of humiliation. But I was a stubborn 16-year-old girl who was losing that very same best friend a little more each day to the Death Eaters. I tried to tell you, but I couldn't make you see. I couldn't make your choice for you. When you called me that, I knew you didn't mean it, not to me, but you'd said it so many times about other people. You lost me on that day, but I felt that I had already lost you. It felt as if you had made your choice. What I did was wrong, but that is the choice I made and the one I lived and died with."

"You don't know that your forgiveness wouldn't have changed my interests," He scowled, "I would have done anything for you, and you were just gone."

"I am sorry I did not forgive you then, Severus, but the choices we made aren't up for debate. They are as they are, have always been, and will always be. But people... People change. Even in death. Maybe especially in death. When all becomes clear. When we gain the perspective we lack so badly in life."

"It isn't your fault," Snape sniffed, "Me going that way - you know that, right? It was bound to happen. I was too broken. Too angry. Too lonely. Too surrounded by the wrong sorts of Slytherins."

"I'm sorry, Severus."

"I got you killed. I bullied your son. I joined the Death Eaters. Why do YOU keep apologizing?!" He growled.

"Because you never had the chance to forgive me. I never afforded you the opportunity, and then life never allowed it to come naturally to you. That anger and bitterness toward me is buried so deep inside of you that you don't even recognize it anymore. My death and the guilt that brought you pushed it down - deeper and deeper. Stress. Harry. War. All piled on top of it. You forgive no one and nothing."

He looked at her, and he could feel it, now that she had brought it to the forefront of his chest. _You should've forgiven me. You knew me. You knew who I really was. You knew where I came from, what I'd endured._

"There it is, Sev," She said sadly, "I can see it in your face. I am sorry. Will you forgive me?"

 _No. No. No. No._

"Yes," The answer ripped from the very depths his soul and tore his body up on its way out of him. He was weeping in spite of himself, his right hand cradled his left shoulder where he hurt physically

He sat on the floor with his back against the couch and she sat across from him. He was shivering and she spoke again, "Please don't keep living as you have done. I don't want to be the girl you accidentally got killed anymore, Sev. We were good friends, best friends, before that," She said and he could hear the emotion in her fade, but he kept his eyes closed for a minute. _Please don't cry, Lily._

When he opened them, he was amazed to see her still sitting there with him.

"I love you, Lily," He said clearly, "And I'm sorry I never told you that while you were still alive." She smiled at him, but his face dropped, "And I love Hermione, too. How?"

"I am what once was, and she's what is," Lily said.

"No. I love you today as much as I ever did," He said and his eyes searched hers.

"Severus," She said, "You are a good man, a brave man, and you, of all people, deserve to lead whatever life you desire. That cannot be me. There is no life to be had with me," She said gravely.

He looked at her. _She's right. She's right._

"You cannot keep choosing me. That's not life, Severus, that's death. You love me. You always did and you always will, and I'll always love you too, but just because two people love each other doesn't mean they end up together. When you are with someone, when you've committed your life to someone, love isn't stagnant. It wouldn't be the same as it ever was. It will change, evolve, grow."

"It's not like we broke up, Lily. I called you a ... you know... you wouldn't forgive me. You married someone else. Then, I ended up being accidentally responsible for getting you killed. And your husband. And nearly your son. Many times nearly your son." _I'm sorry._

"But here we are," She said quietly, "You've forgiven me. I've forgiven you. You can love both of us, sure, in theory, but you can only actively choose one of us."

Severus looked at her carefully and then sighed, "I know."

"She has already given you what I didn't, couldn't."

Severus looked at her curiously. _What?_ Lily looked away over his shoulder and said quietly, "Don't do to her what I did to you, Severus."

He stood and she followed him, "Lily... I am so sorry for what I did to your family."

"I know, Severus. We know. We forgive you. You have more than atoned. You protected our only son."

"Tell them. You'll tell them?" Severus asked.

"They know."

"Lupin... Tell Lupin I'm sorry. His son..."

She smiled and turned her head to the side as if she were listening to someone whisper behind her, "His boy is sure to be payback enough."

Snape narrowed his eyes and looked behind her. Nodded briefly, winced, and walked toward the table. Once next to it, he turned to her one more time.

"Whatever I choose, it cannot be you, Lily."

"I know, Sev."

"I love you, Lil."

"I love you too."

He closed his eyes and dropped the stone to the table. The room reached a level of silence that was deafening. When he opened them, he was alone.

 _Whatever I choose._


	19. Chapter 19

Severus pulled an aged envelope from a book on the shelf behind the table, scooped the stone into it, and sealed the envelope shut with Slytherin's wax seal. _That's for you, Potter._

"Screech!" He called and the bird appeared. He stroked the tiny owl's plump chest and the bird purred affectionately, "You are a good bird, Screech. A better bird than I ever could have hoped for, loyal until the end, my friend. Here," He said and handed the envelope to Screech, "Take that to Harry Potter. Don't dally."

He watched as the bird disappeared into the starry night. He sat up the rest of the night and, when the bird returned, it perched happily behind Severus on the couch. He stood up, stroked the bird's chest again, and walked from his quarters. He knocked on the Minerva's door and, upon granting him entrance, she looked behind him and around him in surprise.

"Where is Miss Granger? You've really got to stop doing this, lad. I'm far too old for these late nights."

"I am not her babysitter," He said coolly.

"Well, no, Severus, but we thought you were avoiding us because..." She stopped and blushed.

 _No!_ "Bloody hell, Minerva!" His face flushed red.

"Where is she then?"

"No idea," He said too casually. He stepped forward into her rooms. He felt her eyes on him.

"What's going on? Out with it, boy."

Severus pulled at the strap of his sling, "We are... Re-assessing."

"Re-assessing? What the devil does that mean, boy? What've you done?"

 _Of course._ He turned around slowly to face her, "Yes, it will come as a surprise, given my track record with women, no... People, in general, that I am the wronged party here."

She sighed and said, "I was worried you'd say that. What did she do then?"

He looked at her, trying to calculate what she meant, "Worried that I might say what?"

"That Hermione was at fault," Minerva said and gestured for him to sit across from her at the couch. He sat near the right arm chair, an end table to his right. A hot teacup appeared in front of him and he took it. _She's not saying..._

"You surely don't believe that your blessed Gryffindors cannot be wrong?" There was a chill in his voice.

"Actually, it has nothing to do with snakes or lions. It has to do with the two of you. She is usually more forgiving than you, and I fear the finality of her wronging you. I want you to be happy," She said and took a sip of her tea.

"And what if me being happy means I'm not with her?" He said. _No. No. No._ His stomach twisted

"I should hope you'd think long and hard about it. If that's the case...Then, that's what it means," She said and squinted her eyes at him, "But that's not why you're here." _Indeed._

Severus took a drink of his tea, and he looked into her eyes, "The end of the war. With Potter and Granger and the Dark Lord. What do you remember?"

"What?" She looked confused and her brow furrowed.

"You know to which moment I am referring," He drawled.

She looked at him and then realization dawned on her face, "Oh. Oh."

"Yes," He said seriously, "I know of it."

"And that's why you've sent her off?" Minerva looked disheartened, broken at the realization.

"I did no such thing. She left, but it was more mutual than not." _Still feels terrible,_ "She betrayed me."

Minerva sighed, drank from her tea, and then sighed again, "Yes, I suppose she did, Severus."

Severus narrowed his eyes, "You know of the power of the Resurrection Stone?"

"I'm flattered you think I would be so young or green not to," She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I... Used it," He said and broke eye contact.

"What? How did you get it?" Her voice went up several notes in shock.

"Potter. Dumbledore gave it to him, kept it in that snitch he left for Potter in his will. Potter used it in the Forbidden Forest before meeting the Dark Lord to die," Severus said evenly, "Potter thought it might be prudent for me to make use of it."

"You used it?"

"Yes."

"Then, you spoke with..." Minerva's voice caught in her throat.

"Yes," Severus said. His lips barely moved when he spoke.

"And? Was it, then? Prudent?" Minerva asked.

"That remains to be seen."

"Don't lie to me, boy."

"It is not as easy as you all might think, to lay it all to rest in one swift movement," He said with his eyes dark and focused on the floor. _How I wish it were._

"I did not presume it would be, but was it helpful for you? Was there anything to be gained?"

Severus was thoughtful for a moment. His eyes pensive and his right hand propped on the armrest while his fingers flexed slowly, "Yes."

"Well, that is some good news at last," She said and crossed her leg over the other while she took another drink of her tea.

"How can I trust her again?" _Help me._

"Why are you asking me, Severus?"

"I don't have anyone else to ask."

"Well, that certainly makes me feel wanted," She scoffed at him. _No. I didn't mean it..._

Severus sighed and ran his hand through his hair and adjusted himself in the seat, "You are... I trust you. I don't have anyone else to ask that I trust."

"I don't know that I can answer that question for you. To even try to trust her again, you'd have to let her back. She'd have to express her apologies and you'd have to deem them sincere. She'd have to prove herself. I'd bet my life that you're not entirely innocent, even if she was largely at fault. You'd have to prove yourself, too. You both would. To each other," Minerva said and eyed him with interest.

"I do not want to get hurt anymore, Minerva. I do not want to be miserable. I do not want to suffer anymore," His teeth chattered briefly.

"Lad, everyone, especially everyone you love, will hurt you. At some point. Maybe at many points. Big hurts or small hurts. Sometimes, big hurts and small hurts. It's going to happen. When dealing in love, you've got to decide who's worth suffering for," She spoke with clarity and wisdom.

He stared at the floor and contemplated her words. When he was quiet for a long time, McGonagall set her teacup on the saucer.

"Severus... Do not let yourself be riddled with guilt for the rest of your life. Whatever you got from Lily with that stone, whatever Harry has given you... You take that and you use it to set yourself free. Each day. Every day. All the time. Until freedom is a habit, and not a choice. Whatever it is, whatever comes of this with Hermione... It's natural. The circumstances are heavier, darker, more traumatic... You're moving from war - from fear, from need, and a dependence many will never understand to peace and healing, interdependence, and want. All relationships fade from newness. It always comes to a point of 'continuing' or 'not,'" She said and he met her gaze, "You must decide what you want, and what it is right for you. As does she."

He swallowed heavily twice, "Yes. I suppose we must." _Hermione._

"Look at me," She said and he did, "Don't let this war be the sum of you, don't let it be the sum of your life. Live with a purpose, whatever it may be - but whatever it is, let it be in the land of the living. I can't stand to see you living with ghosts more than people, in the ruins of poor decisions and mistakes, with regrets, with years of regret. Love, real love, is never a waste of time, but life is short, Severus, even when ours can be so long," She said.

He looked at her. His eyes burned and he blinked rapidly, "Yes," He said, "Thank you. This has been enlightening." She whisked his dishes to the sink as he stood.

"Goodnight, Severus."

"Goodnight," He said and moved to the door.

"Oh, one more thing."

He stopped and heard her speak again, "You owe me for these late nights, my young Snake. You'll join us at the Three Broomsticks tomorrow. Stop brooding in your rooms, boy."

Severus grunted and disappeared down the dark corridor.

 _What purpose do I have anymore?_


	20. Chapter 20

Severus finished rubbing the salve into his shoulder and stood in front of the mirror in his bathroom. He stared at the scarring. It wasn't as angry, but it was still pretty irritated.

Slowly, so slowly, he tried to shrug his shoulders. He hissed in pain at the resistance he felt, but his body obeyed. _At least that's possible._

He dropped his arm straight down by his side and felt the twinge of stretching and discomfort, but it hurt less without a shirt. He moved his arm out laterally from his body and was pleased to see that he could move a bit further than he had at St. Mungo's. _Perhaps it won't be totally useless._

Satisfied, he retrieved the pain medicine, took it, and set to the painful task of dressing himself. When he walked out into his bedroom, he saw his wand laying there ominously on his nightstand. He could feel the itch in his fingers for it, to use the magic pent up in his body. He grabbed the ebony wood and he could feel the wand respond to him.

He hadn't used magic since the war, and he had no idea how his magic would respond to that suppression. He pointed hand at a candle and hissed, "Incendio!"

The candle wick lit a bit too enthusiastically, but it lit none the less. _I can't put it off forever._ He flicked his wrist and he was dressed entirely. _Good Lord, magic can be so convenient._

He smiled a bit, but his anxiety grew as he heard a knock on his door.

"Severus? Are you ready?" Minerva called from the hall. He opened the door with his wand and she stepped in and looked at him.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Are you sure about this? Taking me with you? It's outside the grounds. The photographers..." he trailed off.

"It'll be nice they have you to focus on this time instead of us! You'll be well protected! Nothing to worry about," She said.

 _Yes. Yes. I do not have anything to worry about._

As they walked to meet the other professors at the castle entrance, Minerva asked, "Have you given much thought to what we discussed?"

"Which part?"

"Any part, really."

"Yes," He said and she huffed and waved her hand impatiently, "The 'purpose' part. I do not believe I have a purpose anymore - in anything."

She stopped moving and turned him to look at her, "You were, for all intents and purposes, a slave to two masters. Your purpose was what they demanded it to be."

"I intended to die, Minerva," Severus said, "I do not know what to do with myself in this post-war world."

"Yes, well, your intention and the reality are very different. What do you want to do?"

"This," He said and gestured to the castle around them.

"There's a start, lad," She said, "What else? What of Hermione?"

He stood for a moment, allowing himself to listen to the core of himself. She was there. At the very core of his being. _Hermione._

"She does not think that she will ever come before Lily Potter," Severus said.

"Will she?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"She already has. I put my ability to pay my debt to Lily at stake for Hermione more than once," Severus said and his eyes flickered in confusion, "Why wouldn't she be able to see that?"

"You're a stubborn arse of a man, Severus. I believe, in your heart of hearts, that you were always with us more than against us, and I believe that you went the way you did originally out of desperation. It was wrong, believe me, it was wrong. But you've never really let on to switching for any other reason than Lily."

"Well, at first, it was just because of her. I'd made my choice and whether I wanted to live and die by the allegiance I'd taken was irrelevant. She was relevant. I compromised her safety. I relayed information that directly led to her death. I did that. And it wasn't just that it was her. Most of it was, Minerva, I assure you. I am that selfish. But it was also the first time that war seemed real to me, tangible, like it could affect me. And I didn't like it. I was happy enough to live in the ignorant bliss of feeling like I was a person to be feared rather than a person who feared," He said and his eyes searched the castle walls, "The irony of that is not lost on me. I was a damaged boy who grew to be a damaged man. Inclined to darkness, but not necessarily invested in it. When it came time for war, war sounded bad, and how it sounded was not nearly as horrifying as it was. It ended up not being what I wanted... For more reasons than just Lily, although that reason held particular urgency for me as I previously had a rather large fuck up where she was involved already. But I always tend to step from one pile of shit to another endlessly and the only thing that ever changes is that the piles of shit get bigger."

"Have you told her any of that? Because that sounds quite different than 'I love Lily so I'm Dumbeldore's man now,' Severus."

Severus looked at her curiously, "Not in those exact terms, but I believe the character of me has been quite clear during our time together."

"Severus..." _Oh, now it's all back on me._

"She should have known she was more important. My actions have said it more than once. I showed up to Malfoy Manor, prepared to die for her, pulled her out from under Bellatrix's poisonous knife, and then ensured that she was appropriately treated for the poison."

"How is she going to know that means she matters most?"

"Woman, I would have thrown any chance in hell at repaying my debt to Lily, of fulfilling my obligation to Dumbledore, out the window to save her life. I did not do things at her expense as she done me," An anger flashed behind his eyes. _I nearly sacrificed everything for her._

"I am much older and wiser than Hermione, and even I couldn't muddle through all that to figure out how she was the priority," Minerva clicked her tongue, "Clear as mud, Severus. And she didn't do things at your expense purposefully or maliciously. That seems to be one sided."

Snape growled, but resigned and asked, "Theoretically, how would one clarify things in a situation such as this?"

"Well, you'd drop your damn Slytherin riddles and speak plainly, you fool. I don't believe that actions are greater than words. Sure, perhaps if words are empty, but usually, I think they weigh equally. You can't just show her and assume she'll get it," Minerva scolded him. _I have told her things._

"I told her I love her. Nearly every day. Often more than once a day," He said, "Once, I also said I'd marry her. Those are words."

"Oh, mercy, please. You told her once, one time, you'd marry her? How convincing. Especially considering how forgiving and patient you are, and how often you stand to solve a confrontation instead of running from it. For all the brain power inside that thick skull of yours, you can be unbelievably stupid, Severus Snape."

"So now it's all my fault again? I haven't gone about flaunting her secrets."

"She wasn't flaunting," She sighed and kept walking, "Let's go. I need a drink."

He followed after her in frustration, "How does it always end up being me that is more in the wrong?"

"Your wrong doesn't absolve her of hers. Nor does it happen the other way. Now, do stop with this mess, Severus," Minerva snapped and Snape frowned

 _She should know. Why doesn't she know? What have I done? I'm wrong. She's wrong. How can we both be wrong? If we're both somehow wrong, how can one of us be right?_


	21. Chapter 21

You guys might go to war over these two and their fights! I am scared! Just let me get out of the way first - don't kill me! People are upset and messaging me that Severus didn't say that to Lily, but she kind of said it for him and I don't take Severus for a man who has much to say when he's exposed in that way - "You felt you had a debt, but you cannot truly believe that is the only reason you helped my son."

Before they reached the last turn toward the entrance, She cut Severus off and stopped him in his tracks.

"Severus, so your picture of that moment is a little more clear... When Hermione, a muggleborn and the lover of his traitor, approached Voldemort, she was covered in your blood. From head to toe. Covered. In. Your. Blood. Those of us that saw you on that floor, losing that amount of blood, though we were seeing you die. When she said that, she was afraid, afraid that you died, that you may die yet, that you could die while everyone hated you, you, the man she loves more than anything. Was she right? No. It wasn't the necessary parts to do what she wanted to do, but damn it, Severus, she stood up to the most dangerous wizard to ever walk the Earth, covered in your blood and uncertain of your fate, and called him a fool!"

Severus took a step back and looked away from her. _Hermione. Hermione. Oh, no._

"She did not do anything malicious at your expense. She is not out to get you. Now, no more of this," She said and continued walking, "Come."

He followed her, having just been successfully reprimanded like a school boy, and his cloak billowed awkwardly behind him as it was only looked through one arm.

The four House Heads walked ahead of him and he was lost in his thoughts. If he had really done what he thought he had, he'd done a terrible disservice to his relationship with Hermione. He was communicating with her in a way that would have worked for him, but that didn't necessarily mean it was a way that worked for her. Clearly, it didn't.

 _'She was covered in your blood.'_

He shuddered at the thought. The loneliness he had been staving off washed over him like a wave. _Hermione._ It had been so long since he had held her, or touched her, or kissed her. His whole body sagged under the weight of her absence.

"Severus, c'mon, you'll want to catch up. We'e about to be through the barrier, my boy," Slughorn said cheerfully, "Where is Miss Granger?"

Severus took longer strides to insert himself into the middle of the group, "I am afraid I have made a bit of an ass of myself," Severus said in a transparency that made McGonagall stumbled.

"Oh. Well. These things happen, Severus. Yes, yes, but, Shakespeare said 'all is fair in love and war,'" Slughorn chuckled, "Smart girl, that Miss Granger."

 _All is fair in love and war? Codswallop._

He said nothing because they had crossed into the barrier. Severus attempted to blend in with the group, but he was as tall as Slughorn and the group was distinctly recognizable. The photographers scrambled to them, the flashbulbs went off like fireworks and he kept his eyes on the ground.

One photographer squeezed in between the professors despite their best effort, and stood before Severus and cowered slightly.

"You loved Lily Potter and that's why you're with us, but you're with Hermione Granger. Conflicting stories. Bit odd?"

"Not particularly," He snarled, "I am 38. Well old enough to have navigated two relationships."

"Severus, keep moving, we're almost there," Pomona said and put her hand on his back to move him forward.

Snape stared down the man in front of him, "You are neither intelligent nor sneaky. You are trying to provoke me and I assure you, I am not a man you want to provoke. However, your intrusion into my personal space is most opportune - for me," Severus spoke lowly and the four professors in front of him held off the rest of the media, and kept looking back at him with a sense of urgency.

"You will write what you want, your lot always seems to anyway, but you will get one exact quote down and print it. You will not alter it or put it in different context. Should you do that, it will be most unpleasant. Am I clear?"

The photographer said, "Yes," and opened his mouth to ask a question, but Severus silenced him with a glare.

"I am speaking. This is not an interview. I will say what I wish to say, what you will print, and then I will leave," He summoned his own Quick-Quotes Quill and parchment and began speaking, 'While I find myself at the center of far too much attention and criticism, there is only one issue circulating I wish to address and it has to do with my relationship with Miss Hermione Granger: I am unequivocally hers as long for as she'll have me. To insinuate otherwise, that imply that perhaps I might be pulled in two directions, would be a gross miscarriage of facts and slanderous.' Now, that should do it." He took the parchment, sent the quill off, and read the statement.

"Lovely," He sneered and shoved the parchment into the man's chest, who grasped at it desperately, "Remember our agreement. I am not a man to provoke," His voice was threatening.

"Blimey, Severus," Pomona whispered to him as they made their way forward again, "You're sure about that?"

"Not entirely," He said, "Yet, at the same time, I find myself more certain that I ever have been."

Minerva hissed at him, "Boy, you should have spoken with her first. It is admirable, a step in the right direction, but Lord have mercy, Severus."

His heart sank, "Bloody hell," and his face drained of all color.

"You are such a talented man, in so many things, but this..." She sighed, "You'd better speak with her."

They stepped into the Three Broomsticks and Severus headed upstairs to an empty room. He checked it for any listening devices and then focused on the feel of Hermione's shields in his head.

 _Hermione, I should like very much to speak with you now. I am in the second room on the left at the top of the staircase._

 **Why are you asking me to meet you there?**

 _Circumstances currently prevent me from going anywhere else at present. Will you come?_

 **This seems...**

 _I assure you that it is safe, and that I am genuine._

 **Yeah.**

He felt the disconnection and his heart broke at it a little bit. _Perhaps that 'yeah' means no._

 _She will come. She always had before, and he believed she would._

He took several deep breaths and ran the words over in his mind that he intended to say.

 _I love you._

 _I should like to marry you if you'd have me someday._

 _You are my first and only priority._

 _I will do anything to make this work._

 _I forgive you._

 _I am sorry for running, for being angry for so long._

 _I love you._

 _I love you._

 _I miss you._

 _I need you._

 _I want you._

 _I love you._

She appeared before him looking rather tired. He took one look at her face and blurted out, "Marry me!"

She took a step back, "What in the hell are you playing at?"

"Oh, fuck," He said and put his hand over his mouth, "It was not supposed to come out like that. I am so sorry. That wasn't how it was supposed to be phrased, I assure you. I had a whole list of things to say in my head and then I saw you, and that's what I said," He was both horrified and baffled at his own slip-up, at his nervousness. _Fuck. Fuck._ Severus Snape learned long ago to hold his tongue. He just often didn't choose to hold it. On this occasion, in an attempt to win back Hermione's affection and declare his commitment to her and only her, his tongue had betrayed him. _Betrayed. The irony._

She was looking at him incredulously, "Great. Go on, then."

 _Fucking hell. Open mouth. Insert foot. I really am horrendous at this._


	22. Chapter 22

"Hermione..." He started, and then stared at her. She looked so sad and yet so angry.

"What, Severus? Why are we here in this sleazy bedroom? Why are there photographers outside screaming for you?"

"Uhhh, yes. The photographers. One of them confronted me, and I..." He searched her face, "I sort of let something slip without thinking it all the way through. I would prefer you hear it from me."

"Oh, really? YOU let something slip and you'd like me to hear it from you?" She crossed her arms and shifted her weight to one foot, "That's rich. This certainly will be good."

"Ironic, isn't it?"

"Quite. Out with it."

"I have been remiss," He faltered, "Plainly, Severus. Fuck."

She looked confused, her eyebrows shot up, and her forehead wrinkled.

"Hermione, I love you now more than the day I first realized I did. In my own way, I thought I was prioritizing you, and I thought my priorities were clear. I have come to understand that they were not," He said with finality.

She looked at him and bit her lip, "I don't want to do this here. In this grubby room in this bar. I love this bar, but I don't want to do this here."

He ran his hand through his hair, "Yeah, I didn't really work it all out when I asked you to meet me."

"Can we go back to the castle?"

"There will be photographers," He said.

She looked apprehensive, but shrugged, "Yeah, for a bit."

He followed her out of the room and down the old wooden steps. Hermione waved at the professors, but he didn't turn to look at them. _Minerva's got her smug victory face on, I am sure._

She stood at the door ahead of him and he whispered low into her ear, "Are you ready, Hermione?"

She shivered at the sound of his silky voice, then nodded. He reached up and pushed the door open in front of her, and then followed her out. She was walking quickly with her arms crossed. The crowd followed them.

"Professor Snape! Miss Granger!" Those were the only things they could make out in the volume of voices. _How would they expect us to hear a single question?_

The crowd closed in on the two of them, and Severus put his hand on the small of her back protectively, instinctively, and he cringed when she recoiled away from his hand. She didn't push him away completely, though, and perhaps that was a good sign. They kept a quick pace ahead of the people behind them and crossed over the barrier onto Hogwarts property.

"Where did you want to go?" He had stopped moving and had dropped his hand from her body. His hand ached at its loss.

She kept her arms crossed, shrugged, and looked toward the lake, "There?"

He said nothing, but walked next to her in relative silence. Soon enough, they were standing where they had stood many months before in the cold and snow. Now, it was warm, sunny, and summer. She leaned against a large boulder and he moved to stand in front of her. She stared at him expectantly.

"Hermione..." He looked at her face and, for a moment, got lost in her eyes. He swallowed and flexed his hand nervously.

She looked at him, calculating. Assessing.

"I am in love with you," He said at last, "And I have made terrible mistakes. I have left you lonely and feeling neglected. I have never meant to have you feeling either way. I have...made you feel as if you come second," He swallowed, "To Lily."

She looked down at the grass and kicked the toe of her shoe at the dirt a couple of times.

"Much of my motivations in this war have been chalked up to one thing - Lily, and how I loved her. It was part of my decision to go to Dumbledore, and it was certainly responsible for the urgency of such a flip. I had fed information to the Dark Lord that put her, her family, in great danger. That information ended up getting them killed. I had already fucked up royally with Lily, and I never wanted her to get hurt. She, however, was not the only reason I betrayed the Dark Lord."

She looked up at him curiously and he continued, "You know of my childhood, my time at Hogwarts. I was desperate to feel some sort of control over my life, to feel powerful. I had spent so much time feeling weak. In that desperation, I made a choice, and that choice will forever be branded on both my arm and my reputation. It was all fine when war was but an idea amongst our circle. Instead of fearing everything and everyone, I was feared. I got drunk off of that. For a time. Then, the Dark Lord began his string of murders, gaining more and more followers by the day, growing ever more powerful. These weren't lost or arrogant schoolboys. These people were... Animals. I saw then, for the first time, the realities of war, of the choice I had made," He looked toward the castle far behind her. She looked at the man before her - so broken and lost still.

"I already wanted to leave, wanted out, but in that crowd, it was unthinkable. I am sure I am not the only one who wanted that, but when the Dark Lord turned his attention to Lily, I realized I must leave. That was a reality, what I'd done, that I couldn't just look away from. When I left, I left because I wanted to, needed to, and yes, I left to try to undo what I had done," He said. His voice was filled with a rawness that startled her.

"I cannot lie to you, Hermione," He said, "I will never stop loving her. She was the only person that loved me in return for a long time. I do not think anyone forgets that first love, and I am obsessive in nature. However, I will not, cannot, and have not put her above you in any way. I would have thrown all chance at repaying my debt to her to the wind to keep you. I very nearly did at Malfoy Manor. My debt is repaid; I am forgiven. It is not as simple as putting it all to rest in one fell swoop. How I wish it were. But I will do that. I am doing that. Pieces every day. I would have done, did, and will do absolutely anything to keep you safe," He said, "To love you, to thrive in our relationship, to prove to you that I am dedicated and committed to you and only you. I will not distrust you, or run from you again. I was wrong to not forgive you. I was told everyone will hurt me, and that I can only discern who is worth the hurt. You are, by far, bigger any stress, bigger than any hurt, and I will weather any storm. You questioned my sense of purpose in my life and rightfully so. I have pondered that question constantly over the days we have spent apart. I do know my purpose now," He said and looked directly into her eyes.

"It is here. Teaching. Or doing something here. Where I am at home. It is to make myself a better man. It is to grow, to move on, to move forward. It is to live a life on my own terms. And the thing I want more than anything in the entire world is to share that life with you. I will do anything to prove that I am worthy of you, as you have said you will do for me. I want to be with you for all the days of my life. I want to give you anything in the world that you want - marriage, children, support in your every endeavor. Anything, Hermione. I will do my best to communicate my affections, my love for you and my commitment to you, in a way that makes the most sense to you rather than to me. I will make you feel like you are my top priority because you are and have been for a long time. You are everything to me, and it scares me quite a bit to say that, but it is true and I cannot hide it any longer. I will do anything. You need only ask," He looked deeply into her eyes. _Anything._

She was crying silently. For a long time, she was very quiet and just looked at him while she cried. When she spoke finally, her voice was quiet, "I love you, Severus. I love you so much," There was still distance between them.

He stepped closer to her and he could smell her again. _Almond. Shea, "_ May I touch you?" His hand reached for her face. She nodded and wiped at her eyes. He held her face in his hand and wiped a tear away with his thumb. She leaned into his touch.

"Can you ever forgive me, Hermione?" The profound nature of that question was not lost on either of them. For Severus to ask it so intensely in such a state of vulnerability, showed his total trust in her.

"I forgive you," She said.

"How can I ever prove myself to you?" His eyes filled with tears.

"Be the man you have just been. How can I prove myself to you?"

"Be the woman you were the other day in my quarters."

She nodded and said softly, "I will be."

"As will I."

 _I swear it._


	23. Chapter 23

"I have missed you, terribly," He said.

"I have missed you, too. We spent so much time together in the hospital that I don't really sleep well without you," She said, "It's quite pathetic, really."

"I don't sleep at all without you," He smirked. She scoffed and took a step toward the lake, picked up a stone, and skipped it across the water.

He stared at her while she picked up another. _I would do anything for you._

He moved behind her, touched his hand to her hip, and pulled her against him. She hesitated, "Your arm..." _I need this._

He grumbled and wandlessly made the sling disappear, "I don't care," He moved his left hand gingerly to her other hip and hissed slightly at the movement and the weight of her against his chest. She went to move and he squeezed his right hand on her, "Please, don't."

He could practically hear her smile as she looked at the lake. _I love you. I love you._

"I am sorry, Hermione."

"I am sorry, too, Severus," She said, "But let's not talk anymore of apologies. We've done them, forgiven each other." His silence was an agreement.

His thumbs pushed her shirt up just slightly so he could feel her skin. _I need you._ It wasn't sexual, just intimate and needy. The calloused pads on his thumbs rested on her thin waist.

"You..." Her voice came from below his chin, "You said you were forgiven? Does that mean you used the stone?"

"I did," He said.

She turned to face him and he frowned at the loss of contact, "I... How was that? You... you don't have to tell me if you'd rather not. I know it's private," She said. _I can keep nothing from you._

"I have no issue with telling you," He said and stepped closer to her, pulling her against his body again. He tilted his head as much as he could so that he could smell her hair. _Almond. Shea. Hermione._

She stuck her face into his chest. He smelled of mahogany and teakwood as usual, "You don't have to, Severus."

"Secret Keeper," He said, His voice a low rolling thunder against her ear, "Shh."

She nodded against his chest, anxious about and ashamed of her curiousity.

"When Lily appeared, it was both horrible and wonderful to see her again. It was... obviously the only time I have seen her where she has known... everything, what I've done. But she didn't...Yell at me. Probably had accepted what was in a way only death allows. Lily said she was glad I had used the stone, and she thanked me for protecting her son for so many years. She knew, of course, that I did not do it just to repay a debt to her. Death, apparently, has its perks. One of them being omniscience. Dumbledore is, probably, more insufferable than he was in life. She did scold me for my treatment of Harry while he was at school. It wouldn't be a conversation with Lily if she didn't scold me," He said.

"You were an arsehole to us, Severus," Hermione stepped back from him a bit, and seemed inclined to agree with Lily as she met his eyes and smirked.

"Says the girl who set me on fire at 11," He said and raised an eyebrow.

"You knew it was me?!" Her eyes were huge.

"Of course. I have my ways," He smiled, "Please," He said and lifted his right arm to bring her back into his chest. She obliged happily.

"She said I had been brave, and I had done well. I apologized, somewhat pathetically I will admit, and she..." His voice caught and he squeezed her closer to him. Her arms looped around his back, "She forgave me."

"It was strange really," He spoke again, "She knew I needed forgiveness, but she knew that I needed an apology more. I had spent many years being angry with her. She refused to forgive me. I am fully aware of the severity of my actions, of the foul word I chose to call her, but..." He didn't really know how to say what he wanted to say, "I was bitter and resentful, and then I turned spy and my own issues were buried under everyone else's. She... apologized. Several times. For not forgiving me, for not giving me grace. It was an admission, I think, that our friendship, that I, deserved better even if our relationship never recovered."

Hermione squeezed him and he continued, the sound of his voice was a beautiful, "Lily told me that I cannot live my life tethered to these feelings of guilt, that she no longer wanted to be the girl I inadvertently got killed, that I had choices to make, and that my default choice couldn't be her any longer. I think I have known those things since I woke up in St. Mungo's. It just hadn't sunk in at all. I am debt-free," He said, "So here I am. After much soul-searching. There is nowhere I'd rather be." _Nowhere. Ever._

"I am glad you were able to speak with her. I'm sure it was all very overwhelming, but I hope it at least provided some sense of relief and closure," She said as she nuzzled into his chest. _Oh, you sweet, sweet girl._

"It did, Hermione. It did," He said and he wanted to move on from Lily to focus on Hermione, so he asked, "What do you think you will do? Return to school?"

"Yes," She said.

"To sit for your NEWTs?"

"Yes."

"In which subjects?"

"All of them," She said.

"Show off," He mumbled and brought his right hand up her back and lightly dragged his fingers in small circles over her shirt.

"What of a career?"

"I'd quite like to be a Professor," She said.

"Really?"

"Yes. I used to think I wanted to go do something at the ministry. I want nothing to do with anything political anymore," She said with a tone of disgust.

"Which subject?"

"Potions," She smirked against his coat in jest.

"Oh, lovely," He said, "Don't know if you'll be able to beat Slughorn for it, though. The man is a legend."

"If he retired, you wouldn't teach it again?"

"I am uncertain what I want to do. I'm sure Minerva has something up her sleeve. Besides, I have no idea what my arm will allow me to do. Especially by the beginning of term. Besides, if you go up against me for the eventual open job, I am certain to lose."

"Oh, stop it," She said, "You'll have whatever you want."

"Perhaps," He said. She pulled away and looked at his arm, "How does it feel?"

"Better now that it's been around you again," He smiled slyly.

She rolled her eyes, "Cheesy doesn't suit you, Severus Snape. Seriously, how is it?"

His face dropped, "It does hurt quite a bit." _I'm sorry._

"C'mon. Let's go get you some pain potion," She said, and flicked her wand at him. His arm was in the sling again, "You really shouldn't cheat, Severus."

"I needed it." _So badly._

As they walked to the castle, she laced her fingers into his. When they neared the castle, Severus stopped dead in his tracks and dropped his hand from hers. When Hermione looked at him, there was legitimate fear on his face. His dark eyes were staring ahead of her into the courtyard where he could see two women talking. Minerva and...

 _Molly Weasley._


	24. Chapter 24

"Hermione, perhaps we should enter the castle somewhere else?"

Hermione laughed, "Severus, it's fine! I've seen Mrs Weasley loads of times since the war."

"Yes, and she probably still didn't know then, Hermione. Ronald said as much. It would be logical to assume that, since she is here, she is very much aware now," He said as he stared at the pair.

"Severus, you're afraid of Molly Weasley?"

His eyes flicked to hers, "You would do well to be afraid of her as well. That woman is a force of nature, Hermione. I can think of half a dozen reasons why Molly Weasley would want to skin me alive."

"You really think she'll be mad at us?"

"Me. Not us," Severus swallowed.

"Why?"

"The list is longer than Dumbledore's beard," He said and then gulped, "Fuck, she's seen us. Fuck. Fuck."

"Hermione! You get up here right now!" Came the voice of the Weasley matron.

Hermione's eyes went wide, clearly not expecting that tone and her name to ever have been intertwined.

Severus followed her and veered off to the side in an attempt to avoid Molly. _Please. Please. Please._

"Oh, no, you don't, Severus Tobias Snape. You get your arse over here. Now." _Fuck. How does she know my middle name? Fuck._

Severus stepped out from behind a pillar and approached the woman cautiously. Minerva was staring at him with a smug smirk on her face.

He looked at Molly. She looked so tired and so very sad. _Fred._ In a moment of bravery, Severus said, "Before you render me incoherent, I want to tell you that I am sincerely sorry for your loss, Molly."

Molly looked at him shrewdly and then her face softened, "Thank you. We are barely getting by, and I miss my boy so very much."

Severus' chest hurt for her. She lost a child. No parent should ever have to bury a child. Ever. _I'm so sorry._

"Don't take the wind out of my sails," She shook her head and resumed her motherly scolding demeanor, "You two - is this true?" She pointed between the two of them.

"Yes," They said in unison. _No point in lying._

She crossed her eyes and her amber eyes pierced both of them, "How long has this been going on?"

Hermione answered, "A year and a half."

She narrowed her eyes and then looked at Severus, her eyes raked over his face and then his body. Severus flinched under her gaze, "You," She said coldly.

He swallowed hard and suddenly wished he were anywhere else in the world and she spoke again, "I cleaned you up how many times, Severus? You'd come for meetings beat to hell after one of You-Know-Who's meetings. Though you certainly did not make that easy. I gave you food. A bed. How many times, boy?"

Severus' eyes went to the cobblestone, "Too many," He said.

"You have put my emotions through the wringer. I never knew you at all, did I?"

He looked at her, but no words would come and she spoke again, "I... Trusted you."

"I know."

"I believed the best of you." _I'm sorry._

"I know."

"I don't know what to think, Severus. Tell me what to think."

He stared at her and was lost for words. He could not for the life of him think of anything to say in defense of himself at the moment. This woman had shown him kindness where no one else did.

Molly sighed and ran her hands down her face, "Was I right to believe in you?"

"Yes."

She began to cry, "I feel so confused. I'm too old for this. You were with us, and then you... killed Albus... and then you weren't with us. Then, you were with us again. I swear I nearly dropped dead when you turned on that Carrow man, Severus. I cared for you then hated you, and now..."

She looked between the two of them, "You're serious?"

Hermione said, "Yes," and Severus inclined his head as much as he could. _Yes._

"What of Ron? I had always thought you two might end up together, that you might end up as a daughter." _I knew that would come up in this..._

"I think, at one point, I did too. He and I aren't truly compatible though, but I do still hope very much to be considered family."

"Yes, you are quite different," She admitted and then sighed heavily, "You are more similar to him?" She jerked her head toward Severus. _Yes._

Hermione nodded, and Molly said, "I suppose I can see that. In some ways. You will always be family. I nearly lost Ginny at the end. Bellatrix. That wicked witch got what was coming to her"

Severus' eyes went wide, "You killed Bellatrix?"

"Oh, yes," Molly said, a small flicker of victory shimmered across her face and then it was gone.

"Thank you," He gasped.

She looked at him, "What?"

He reached for Hermione's arm and noticed she was crying, looked into her eyes for permission, found it in a small nod of her head, and then slid the sleeve of her left arm up to reveal the word.

"She did that to you, Hermione?" Molly gasped.

Hermione nodded and Molly hugged her tightly.

When she stepped back from Hermione, she looked back and forth between them, "I want to believe what my heart says of you, Severus, but I am scared to trust you. Why did you kill him?"

"It is quite a long tale, but in short: he was dying already. He'd unleashed a curse while trying to destroy an evil ring and that curse was spreading through his blood to the rest of his body. It started in his hand. Death was coming. Meanwhile, Draco, as a way of punishing Lucius, had been ordered by the Dark Lord to kill Dumbledore. The old man correctly deduced that I would be the natural successor should Draco fail. In order to spare the boy's soul, Dumbledore requested that I do it instead and that I do not allow Draco to murder."

Molly stared at him in shock, "And your soul? Oh, bloody hell. We knew nothing, didn't we?"

"You were meant to know nothing," He said sadly.

"I don't even want to know, Severus. Tell me nothing else unless I ask. It is a bit of a relief though to know you didn't murder him entirely. I've no idea what to think of you..." She pinched the bridge of her nose, "But, so help me Merlin, if you hurt my girl, you'll have to deal with me!"

Severus gulped, and Molly turned on Hermione, "And you! If you ever keep a secret such as this from me again... Just... don't, Hermione. Please," She ran a hand through her tangled red hair.

"Molly," Severus cleared his throat, "I cannot ease your suffering in the loss of your son, but I can ease your suffering in your confliction toward me. Or at least, that is my hope."

Her eyes widened, "How?"

He took a deep breath, "Trust me. For a small moment."

She stared at him intensely for a beat, and then nodded and looked away.

"No," He said, "Look at me." Her amber eyes, full of tears, found his.

 _Mad-Eye Moody was the first to plow through the clouds with a Potter impersonator trailing behind on a broom and a bolt of green light shot from Voldemort's wand toward the faux Potter, missed, and hit Moody in the chest. He fell through the clouds._

 _He raced around to find Shacklebolt, and saw a Death Eater aiming at "Potter" on the back Arthur Weasley's broom. It would be one of Weasley's children. Snape aimed well-enough to look as if he were going for the boy behind Arthur, but was truly aiming to the Death Eater. His aim on the Death Eater was plain as day from his perspective._

 _"Sectumsempra!" He hissed. The curse hit the Death Eater's wand arm, but it also clipped the boy clinging to the elder Weasley in the night. Weasley would be fine, but he felt tremendously guilty._

He moved on to the other memory he wished her to see. He could feel her reeling at the knowledge.

 _When he arrived, he saw Amycus Carrow bent over a student with his fist in their robes. His other fist hauled back._

 _Snape interrupted loudly, "Amycus! What have we discussed about student punishment!" His voice was cold._

 _Amycus let go of the student. Ginerva Weasley. Her cheek was bruised and she had a cut on her lip. Fuck. He felt nauseous as he looked at her face._

 _"Headmaster, this blood-traitor was saying nasty things about you. Surely, exceptions can be made," Amycus smirked._

 _Snape raised an eyebrow and looked at Ginny, "Was she now? How very interesting. Regardless, magical blood is not to be needlessly spilled. Leave her to me, Amycus," And then he was alone with the only Weasley daughter._

 _"Can you stand, Miss Weasley?" He looked down at her._

 _She snarled at him and swiped at the tears on her face. She said nothing._

 _"Good. Follow me," He commanded. He slowed his pace to allow her to keep up with him._

 _When they arrived in his office, he instructed her to sit. She didn't. She stood there, fighting her tears, with her arms crossed. He rummaged through his stores and pulled out a vial, what looked like chapstick, and a small circular container._

 _"Miss Weasley," His voice was quiet and he wiped his palm over his face, holding the other items in his free hand, "I am sorry for what just occurred."_

 _"No, you're not," She growled at him, "You'd do the same thing given the chance!"_

 _He shook his head slowly, "Whether you believe me or not, I detest physical abuse of any kind, especially of women."_

 _"This," He pointed to the vial, "Is for the pain and inflammation. This," His hand moved to the circular container, "Is a bruise salve. It will heal the bruise quite quickly after one application. And this," He pointed to the small chapstick-like cylinder, "Is for the cuts on your lip and cheek." He flicked his wrist and a charmed mirror appeared on the wall next to her, "Fix yourself," He said and leaned against the side of the desk facing away from her._

 _She moved to the desk, drank the first vial, and carried the other two to the mirror. After about a minute, she set the two back on the desk._

 _He turned to face her, observed her face, and nodded toward the two items, "Keep them."_

 _She looked at him strangely, but slipped the two containers into her robe pocket._

 _"You will serve detention for a week._ _Professor McGonagall will monitor your detentions."_

 _She looked genuinely surprised._

 _"You heard me, Miss Weasley. Go," He nodded toward the door._

Severus pulled out of her mind, and was quickly overwhelmed by the grief and gratitude he saw in her eyes. She covered her semi-open mouth with trembling hands.

"Severus..." She whispered as the tears fell down her cheeks, "Oh, Severus... Thank you," She reached and touched her shaking hand to his cheek and he stepped back.

"Do not thank me, Molly," He said and he took a step back from her. A tear fell from his eyes, "I lost one. I could not save him. I was not there. It will be one of the greatest regrets of my life. I just... Wanted you to know that I tried," He looked away and moved to walk into the castle, but she whimpered and he stopped.

She grabbed his coat and turned him to her, grabbed his face in her hands, and stood on her tip toes and pulled his face down gently toward her. He whimpered at the pain of the movement, her lips touched his cheek briefly and she released him, "You are a good man, Severus. I will tell my family. Should you... Ever have need of it, I will come to your defense."

He looked at her curiously as she turned away and walked into Minerva's comforting embrace. Hermione's hand was on his back and she was whispering for them to go to his rooms.

 _Come to my defense? What defense?_


	25. Chapter 25

Kingsley Shacklebolt walked into Hogwarts at lunch time the next day and approached the group of wizards and witches while they ate in the Great Hall. Severus Snape watched him with great anxiety and he clutched at Hermione's knee under the table desperately. _Defense. Defense. Had Molly known? Guessed? Assumed?_

"I need to speak with you, Severus," Kingsley's deep voice shook Severus to his core. _No._

Minerva rose, "What is the meaning of this, Kingsley?"

"I am here to speak with Severus, Minerva. I am interested in helping him, but I need some answers first."

Severus stood, "Agh," He hissed as his cloak pulled at his arm. He sent his robe and coat back to his room in a second, tucked his wand into his back pocket, and stepped out from behind his chair.

Kingsley watched as Hermione stood as well, followed by the four House Heads, "We will come with him," Minerva said, "He needn't be alone with you, Kingsley. You mean well, you always have, but you are Minister for Magic now."

"I am here to learn how I may advise him. It is... personal, Minerva."

Severus' dark eyes were shielded as he followed Kingsley from the hall to a nearby classroom. Once there, Kingsley warded the door. Severus stood across from him with his back to the door. His body was tense.

"It was you that night, wasn't it?" Kingsley asked, "At the Burrow?"

Severus stared into the man's chocolate brown eyes and contemplated how best to approach this situation, "Yes," He said simply. _Shacklebolt is an honorable man._

Kingsley smiled slightly, "I knew it. Your voice is easily recognizable."

Snape said coolly, "A blessing and a curse." _Hopefully, more the former in this instance._

"You tossed me to safety."

"Yes."

"Only to spare Hermione Granger?" Kingsley's eyes searched the thin man's face.

"No," Severus said seriously, "Hermione was already safe within the barrier. You were not the only person I spared that night."

"Who?"

"George Weasley is missing an ear because of me, but a lost ear is nothing compared to death. The majority of my curse hit one of my lovely comrades across his wand hand as he was about to kill the boy," Severus' face was impassive, but his heart was racing. _He is an honorable man._

"The Aurors have requested a full deposition," Kingsley said.

"Are you or are you not in charge of the Aurors at the present time?" Snape's eyes glittered. He knew well where this was going.

"I am, but they have a right..."

"They have NO right!" Snape bellowed, "NONE! I have done enough!"

"It's their job, Severus," Kingsley said and his deep voice was filled with regret, "Even as Minister, I cannot overrule them in this. I will be present at the deposition, and will be presiding over it. I will not allow the use of Veritaserum. It is not reliable, first, and, more importantly, I have no intention of putting you in more distress than I must already," He said, "Once this is finished, it will be over."

"Depositions are public record," Severus said. _Everyone will know._

"Yours will not be," Kingsley said firmly.

"How?"

"It will be sealed because of its details of the war. That is not public record. If we were to redact things, it would be blank anyway," Kingsley said, "Or at least that's what I'll say." _He... what?_

"I am so tired of answering people's questions already," Snape sighed and squeezed his temples with his thumb and middle finger.

"When it's over, you'll not have to do it again."

"It will never be over." _Never._

"Perhaps," Kingsley took a deep breath, "But legally, it will be. We will release a full statement."

"You people and your bloody statements! I don't care about statements or questions! I've done enough!" He roared.

"I understand. We will take witnesses to verify your account, and I believe that will help you immensely."

Severus' dark eyes grew cold, "Who?"

"I have already approached most of them, people I knew had information," He reached into his dark purple robe and pulled out a list, "I have already spoken with Potter, Weasley - Ginerva, Ronald, and Molly, Longbottom, Thomas, Finnigan, Lovegood, I have yet to speak to the House Heads and to Hermione."

Snape's eyes burned. _Hermione,_ "It will be significantly difficult to navigate half of those people."

"Why is that?"

"Magic," Severus sneered. _Secret Keeper._

Kingsley narrowed his eyes, "All these people will do is verify your words, your account. They will simply attest to its truth. They will be sworn to and bound by law to keep the contents of the deposition private."

"Fine," He scowled, "When?"

"Within 48 hours. I will owl you with a more specific time. I am sorry, Severus," Kingsley said, "For this, and so much more." _Oh, I'm sure._

Snape said nothing and Kingsley left him alone in the empty classroom. Severus stood very still for a moment and then roared, kicked a desk, and howled in pain.

He was crying without even realizing he was. He sat in a desk and stared across the room at the wall. His shoulder hurt and throbbed down to the tips of his fingers, and he held his wand loose in his hand. The door opened several minutes later, and Minerva walked into the room.

"Severus... Kingsley has... Informed us of the deposition." _Wonderful._

Snape's lip twitched, but he remained silent. She spoke again, "We swore to you that, should this day come, you would be protected. You were our Headmaster, our friend, and our loyalty rested then, and now, and always, with you."

Severus blinked once very slowly, "Tell me: have you ever considered turning your wand on yourself?" _I have. So many days and so many nights._

"Expelliarmus!" She shouted and his wand flew to her hand.

He showed no reaction to her disarming of him. It didn't look as if he had even blinked, "Do you suppose it would have been better if I had died?"

"No, Severus. I do not suppose that would have been better. For you, or anyone else."

"Probably easier," He said coldly.

"Cheaper," She snapped and her lips were pinched, thin, and white, "Death would have been cheap, Severus. Stop talking such nonsense."

"I apologize. I should not have implied what I did," He said and took a breath, "I am tired of the questions. I am very tired of having to prove myself. With the people who were let in while the war was still going on, it was slow, or in small groups over time. Now, it's all at once, and I find myself unable to navigate the stress of it. I am so very tired. All the time, I am tired."

"You will find rest soon, Severus. I am sure of it. Once this deposition is over, you will have no obligation to answer any question again unless you want to," She said. She looked at the man before her closely. Having hoped he would look better after the war, she was disappointed and heartbroken to see how thin he was, how his cheekbones stuck out, how unhealthy and pale he looked, how dark the circles were under his eyes.

"Where is Hermione?" He asked. _Hermione._

"I would wager that she is still tearing Kingsley a new arsehole for this whole charade," She said humorously.

"Ah. Yes."

"Severus, I hope you know that when you sit in that deposition, it will not be you that needs protection."

"How do you figure?"

"Kingsley Shacklebolt and his order of Aurors will have stepped into the lion's den. You have formidable allies, Severus. Give us credit. One Potter, eight Weasley's, one Granger, one Longbottom, one Thomas, one Finnigan. And you have me. Those are just the Gryffindors. You will have a fiercely loyal Hufflepuff in Pomona, and two Ravenclaws, Lovegood and Filius, and Ravenclaws make smart choices in friends."

"Half of those people aren't loyal to me. Finnigan? Longbottom? Thomas? They're boys. They've spent half of their lives loathing me. Most of the Weasleys?" Snape sighed heavily.

"Do not underestimate Seamus, and Neville, and Dean. They have not forgotten how you spared them punishment during your time as Headmaster, how you protected them to the best of your abilities, how you knew of their hideout and let them stay there safely, how you turned on the Carrows. Do not underestimate my lions, Severus. You'll be better for it. And the Weasleys? You've just gone and shown Molly what you did for her children, and you tell the mother, the family will know."

He sat in silence in perfect stillness before her. She turned to leave him and said, "I will fetch Hermione for you, Severus."

"My wand?" His voice was low, silky, and yet raw.

"I will give it to Miss Granger. She can decide what to do with your emotional volatility."

Snape rolled his eyes and snorted, "Isn't that what she does every day?"

"Your words. Not mine."

 _I am so very tired._


	26. Chapter 26

Hermione knocked on his bathroom door two days later. He'd been in there quite some time and she worried he was ill.

"Sev?" She pushed the door open cautiously and saw him standing in the mirror crying silently. She turned him to her and touched his face. The black beard he had grown was rough, "Are you ever going to shave this?"

His eyes moved over her face, "I have tried. I don't have enough movement. And my magic is a bit... volatile. I don't trust it."

"I can do it for you, if you'd like?" He made no protest and her wand moved across his face and neck.

She flicked her wand at his body and he was dressed, but without a frock jacket or a robe. The white shirt under his sling hung loosely on him. Hermione looked him over and huffed.

"Wonderful for my ego, Hermione, you are," He drawled.

"You're so thin, Severus."

"I have always been thin," He said curtly.

"I know how you look. I've had sex with you," He raised an eyebrow, "And this," She touched his side, "Is too thin."

He looked at her for a moment, "I lost weight in the hospital. Liquid diet."

"You've lost weight since then, too, Severus."

He said nothing and walked past her out of the bathroom to the end table where he grabbed his wand.

"I'll nag you if I have to," She put a hand on her hip.

"For the love of God, woman..." He grumbled and then she noticed the slight shake in his hand.

"I'm nervous too, Severus," She said and took his hand into hers.

He was quiet for a moment, and then said softly, "My freedom is at stake. There are things I have done that cannot be excused. Murder. Treachery. The Dark Mark. I fear there is no way for Shacklebolt to allow me to walk free despite his best intentions."

She touched his face, "I have faith, Severus. I know you are scared, but you will not be punished. I know it."

 _I wish I shared your confidence._

There was a tap-tap-tapping on the window in the kitchen, and Hermione walked to it and let in a tawny owl. She took the letter out of the bird's beak, read it, and then looked at Severus, "We've got to head up to the Headmistress' office."

Snape's silence as they walked conveyed his anxieties and fears. It would be a long day, and he had absolutely no idea what questions would be asked of him, and he was certain he'd be sleeping in Azkaban that night. _Murderer. Traitor. Death Eater._

"Oh, good," Minerva said and gestured for them to sit. They did and looked at her expectantly.

"Now, Severus, you mustn't get angry. I would not suggest this if I didn't think you deserved it after all this time, if I didn't think you were owed this, if I did not think it would help you."

He narrowed his eyes at her. _What in the devil is it now..._

"Severus," An old familiar voice said from the wall.

Snape moved to stand, but Hermione put her hand on his knee, "You're in on this, too?" He growled.

"No. But I'd like to hear what he has to say, and I think you might too," She said.

He huffed, but remained seated and Dumbledore spoke again, "Severus, it is good to see you. I am glad you survived, and I am terribly sorry about your injury. Quite horrifying that is."

"Yes, compared to a mercy kill, a giant snake biting your throat is horrifying," Snape said coldly, "I am sure you are just thrilled that I live."

"I am sorry, Severus. I have seen error in so many things I have done to you."

"I do not want your apologies," Severus said and glared at Minerva.

"It is good, then, that I have something else to give you."

Snape stared straight ahead and made absolutely no attempt to adjust himself so that he could look at the man in the portrait, "And what would that be?"

"My testimony."

Severus turned in his seat slowly and stared at the old man, "No."

"No?" Minerva asked.

"I will not be indebted to you again!" Severus said angrily.

"You wouldn't be, boy. It is I who is indebted to you, who will forever be indebted to you," Dumbledore explained.

"No," Snape spat. _No._

"You don't have much say in the matter, I am afraid. Kingsley Shacklebolt has requested me."

"Of course I don't have much to say in the matter," Severus said icily, "I never did when it came to you."

"I will only attest to your loyalties, Severus, to the truth of your tale." _No. You will out me at the first chance you can as you have done already._

Severus stood and walked from the room, and he was pursued by Hermione.

"Severus!" Hermione said as she caught him just off the steps in the corridor. He stopped when her hand touched him, turned around, and crushed her into his chest. She was pushed against his arm in his sling awkwardly, but he was not pushing her away from it, so it must not have hurt too badly. _Stay with me always._

"I am sorry I ran," He said. His breathing was ragged as he fought to control his emotions.

"You weren't running from me," She said, "I know you're upset. I know you are, but I do not know that there's a better person to validate the fact that Dumbledore arranged for you to kill him than Dumbledore himself..."

"It's true, Severus, or I would have burned that portrait," Minerva said as she appeared from the steps.

Severus let go of Hermione and his face flushed at having been caught in such an intimate moment. Minerva seemed unbothered, "Come, let us get this over with."

Minerva walked ahead of them and Hermione reached up and kissed his cheek and said quietly, "I love you." _Hermione._

He looked into her eyes, relishing the touch of her lips, which he had missed greatly in their separation, "I love you." _I don't want you to get hurt in this._

They followed Minerva to the Great Hall. People were already waiting there. They stared at him when he walked in. Hermione immediately hugged Ginny, and the all eyes on Severus threatened to undo him.

Potter rescued him, taking his hand into a firm shake, "You okay?"

Severus said nothing, but his teeth chattered and Harry frowned, "It's going to be okay. It'll be over soon enough, I promise. You have nothing to fear."

"I have everything to fear," He said lowly, "For myself, but more so for her. Her reputation could be at stake."

"No. Kingsley assured me that your personal life, your personal motivations, were off the table. It's just the business aspects of the war, the technicalities," Harry's green eyes searched the black. _Please let that be true. Please._

Other Gryffindors moved around him. Ginny spoke first, "Thank you. For helping me when I was hurt, for stopping them."

Severus' jaw twitched, and, before he could speak, Neville said, "Thank you. For saving all our arses. More than once. For keeping us safe. To the best of your abilities. We will never forget it."

Seamus added, "And I'm sorry we were too thick to get what you were doing for us that day in your office, that we couldn't see it."

Snape looked at him, "Not too thick. Too Gryffindor."

They chuckled for a moment, but when the hall doors opened, the room fell silent. Kingsley Shacklebolt walked into the room and was trailed by two intense looking Aurors - one female, one male. The male had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, and the female had black hair and blue eyes. Both were grim faced.

"Professor Snape?" Kingsley called to him, and the sea of Gryffindor surrounding him parted. For a moment, he looked at the floor. Taking a deep breath, he lifted his eyes and glanced around the room. He was amongst lions, a raven, a badger, and one other snake.

 _All are necessary, and kind, and wise, and righteous._


	27. Chapter 27

Severus walked forward to Kingsley, who spoke clearly, "If you will just step over here quickly, we can get the formalities out of the way."

Severus followed him, the crowd resumed a light and nervous chatter, and Kingsley stepped closer to him, "Say as little as possible, Severus. Not that I expected any different. I will handle the boundaries." _Just get me out of this._

Severus looked at him, said nothing, took the quill he was being offered, and signed his name on the line to which Kingsley was pointing. He guided Severus to a seat at the head of the table. Kingsley sat to his right, and the two Aurors sat on his left next to each other. Minerva took the seat next to Kingsley, and the rest of the people filled in the seats. Hermione sat further down than he would have liked her to, but he realized she had probably done so to establish a respectable distance. _Hermione._ A Quick-Quotes Quill appeared from his robes and began to write furiously on a notepad.

"Now, we are here today to investigate the position that Professor Severus T Snape played in our war against Voldemort. It is the intention of this investigation to establish the true loyalties of Professor Snape, and nothing more," Kingsley's deep voice boomed, "That being said, our scope is limited to the business of the war, and the business only. We are establishing and verifying loyalty," He eyed the Aurors intently. _Good lord._

"I wish to remind those of you here that this deposition is private and will be sealed. The information obtained in this deposition will have too much detail of the war and its workings to have any part of it become public knowledge. You are all, from this moment forward, bound by law to keep the nature of this deposition private. If you do not, you will be punished."

The silence around the hall was deafening. Severus glanced at the wall and saw Albus Dumbledore listening intently.

"Now then," Kingsley adjusted in his seat and looked at Severus, "Auror Maxwell will be questioning you, Professor Snape."

Severus looked at the small woman. Her face was ugly and pinched.

"Professor Snape, you understand why you are here?"

"Yes."

"You are here willingly and under no duress?" _I wouldn't say willingly..._

"Yes."

"To which side of the war were you loyal?"

Severus looked at the woman, "To the Order of the Phoenix, to Dumbledore, and to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"When you graduated from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, you joined the ranks of the Death Eaters, yes?"

 _Fuck, "_ Yes."

"Then when exactly did you change sides, Professor Snape?"

"July 1980," He said.

"And why did you do that?" She asked.

Kingsley held up his hand, "Professor Snape's reasons and motivations are his own. It does not matter why he was loyal, only that he was loyal."

 _Thank you. Thank you. Thank you._

Maxwell looked thoroughly displeased, "After you changed sides, what was your role to be?"

"That of a double-agent and spy," Severus drawled.

"Voldemort did not know that you were spying for Dumbledore?"

Snape raised an eyebrow, "Obviously."

There was a murmur of laughter down the table and he looked to see Seamus, Neville, and Dean quickly trying to regain their composure.

Maxwell shot a dangerous and ugly glare at them, but they remained unphased. _These boys have seen war, faced the Dark Lord in the flesh. You won't scare them, you hag._

"If you were loyal to Albus Dumbledore, then why did you murder him?"

"It was an arranged affair. Between Albus and myself," Severus said coolly.

"Care to elaborate?"

"No," Snape said and could feel himself growing irritated.

"I can speak to that," Albus said from his portrait. Even as a painting, his voice commanded respect and had the former students shrinking in their chairs, though they had no reason to be worried.

Severus looked at him and he struggled tremendously to hide his displeasure at the voice of his former Headmaster.

Kingsley smiled, much to his Aurors' dismay, "Yes, Albus. I imagine you can. Please, enlighten us."

 **It's okay, Severus. Whatever he says. It's okay.**

 _I certainly hope so._

"You see, before Harry Potter's sixth year, I found a cursed ring. In an attempt to break the ring, the curse transferred to my hand. I knew as soon as I examined the damage to my hand what the curse was and that it would kill me. I asked Severus to assist me in containing the curse to my hand, and he did. We surmised that I had about a year left before the curse would spread and turn lethal. It was at that same time that Lord Voldemort had ordered Draco Malfoy to murder me as a way to further insult the boy's father, Lucius, who had fallen out of favor within the Death Eater circle. Severus and I knew that, should Draco fail, Voldemort would expect Severus to finish the job. It was never my intention to allow Draco to kill me, as I did not want to damage the boy's soul. I discussed this with Severus, and asked him to be the one that kills me. He was, as you might suspect, quite put off by the idea. I explained to him that death was coming for me and that he would be showing me mercy. He did not agree easily. Not easily at all, I'm afraid, but eventually, I think he saw the bigger picture. In murdering me, Voldemort would trust him completely. I plotted my own death, Minister, and it is a deep regret of mine that I had to ask such a thing of Severus."

 _Oh, I'm fucking sure it is._

Kingsley nodded his head, "Very well. Does that satisfy you, Auror Maxwell?"

She nodded bitterly, and looked at Severus again,

"Who elevated you to the title of Headmaster?"

"The Dark Lord," He said coolly.

"Voldemort?" Snape flinched.

"Yes," He said between his teeth.

"Who at Hogwarts during your time as Headmaster knew of your true loyalties?"

"Minerva McGonagall," Severus said and Minerva stood, "Pomona Sprout," She stood, "Filius Flitwick," He stood, "And Horace Slughorn," Horace stood and his chest stuck out more than usual.

 **Severus...**

 _Say nothing._

Severus looked at the four powerful Heads of House as they nodded and glared at Maxwell. _If they weren't on my side, I'd be pissing myself._ They sat down.

Maxwell was not phased and continued, "When you were Headmaster, how were the students treated under your care? There are many rumors that they were beaten."

Ginny spoke and the level of anger in her voice surprised everyone, "He didn't do it!" She spat, "The Carrows did. He stopped Amycus Carrow from beating me! He healed me!"

"Miss Weasley," Maxwell snapped, "You are speaking out of turn."

"Professor Snape never laid a hand on us. On any of us," She gestured to Neville, Seamus, Luna, and Dean. The group nodded fervently.

Neville said, "It's true, Minister," He looked beyond Maxwell and directly at Kingsley, "Professor Snape had us, all of us, alone with no one around plenty of times. He had plenty of opportunity to hurt us, even kill us, if he wanted. He didn't. He gave Ginny healing salves, and let her keep them, so we could have them too. He'd give us easy punishments, easier even than when he was teaching Potion. He told us, begged us really, to stay out of the Carrows' way."

"Convenient, isn't it, Auror Maxwell, that they all shift the blame to the Carrows when the Carrows have absolutely no memory of anything?" The male Auror said.

"Yes, it is convenient, Auror Davis," Maxwell spoke, "How did that come to happen, Professor Snape? You see... We have interviewed probably over 50 students and none of them seem to know how the Carrow siblings had their memories wiped. Even the Slytherins."

 _What???_

"I think you will find, Auror Maxwell, that the students of Hogwarts are very loyal. Especially to their Headmasters. Whoever wiped the memories of Amycus and Alecto Carrow did our world a tremendous favor," Albus spoke. Severus was sure he could see the potrait's eyes twinkling.

"Loyal to their Headmaster? You suggest Professor Snape did this?"

 _Fucking hell, Albus..._

"I did nothing of the sort, Madam. You are after Professor Snape. They will not turn on their Headmaster even if there was something to turn on him for. I am merely telling you that interrogating the students of this school in order to get them to turn on someone who took out a pair of teachers who were beating and torturing them is an enormous waste of time," Albus smirked, "The loss of memory is a far better fate than the Carrows deserved."

 _Whatever happened to the Carrows? Someone got them out of the closet?_

 **Oh, yes, Severus.**

 _Who?_

 **Me.**

 _Of course._

"Be that as it may, it was not up for anyone but the ministry to decide what to do with the Carrows," Davis said.

"Saved us a lot of time, spared us a trial," Kingsley said and waved his hand, "Move forward."

 _He was there. He was there. Molly was there._

 **Loyal to the Headmaster, Severus.**

Davis asked the next question, "When did you begin working with Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, Luna Lovegood, and Hermione Granger directly?"

 _Bellatrix. Hermione screaming._

"The end of March of this year," Severus answered. _Hermione._

"Why then?"

Snape's eyes darkened, "I happened to show up while they were being held captive. I helped them escape, as best as I could, and then I followed them to their next hideout location to ensure their health and safety. It seemed prudent then to reveal my position."

"He saved our lives," Harry said and his voice was confident and irritated.

Ron said, "He did. If he hadn't shown up, they would've turned us over to Voldemort."

"Professor Snape is a very brave man," Luna added, "Most of us wouldn't be here today if not for him." _She is such a strange human being._

Hermione said nothing. Her jaw was set and her face was hard. Severus could tell the Aurors were growing tired of being stopped at every turn.

"You revealed your true loyalties during the final battle at some point, Professor Snape?"

"Apparently," Snape's irritation was growing.

"And what of Draco Malfoy? We have interrogated the boy, his mother, and his father, and they all tell us nothing but good things about you. They know nothing of your motives, or of your betrayal of Voldemort, but still, they had nothing bad to say of you. They say, Draco says, you saved him." _I very much doubt that. The Malfoy family is slippery enough to have come out okay on either side._

We have already ruled the Malfoy family as defectors. Move forward," Kingsley instructed firmly, "I'd very much like to wrap this up, Auror Maxwell."

"What was the nature of your relationship with Miss Granger while you were Headmaster?" Maxwell asked.

 **Fuck.**

 _Fuck._

"The Headmistress has already looked into this matter, and has determined that there is nothing to concern ourselves with," Kingsley said angrily.

"And if she returns to Hogwarts? You'll have this... Man... Teach her again?"

Kingsley rose from his seat, put his hands on the table and leaned in toward Maxwell, "This man singlehandedly saved my life. I'd have him teach any and all of my children, my grandchildren, my great-grandchildren, their great-grandchildren... Professor Snape has more to fear from us than we do from him. Hogwarts' business is Hogwarts' business. I have the utmost faith in this school."

He sat again, and the Aurors sank down into their chairs, "Would anyone here like to speak on behalf of Professor Snape before we wrap up? I believe nearly all of you have spoken in some way."

Molly stood, slowly, and all eyes turned to her, "In the last year, Severus Snape... Directly saved the lives of three of my children, George, Ron, and Ginny. Ron and Ginny he saved more than once. Nearly all of other children, on one night, were all indirectly saved by him. I owe him more than I will ever be able to repay. He protected my children... far... far better than I was able to," She was crying.

"Molly, no," Severus said, "There is no finer mother than you."

"He saved my children, Kingsley. He saved my children, saved so many children. He is a good man - a great man."

"Here, here," Slughorn said.

Ginny touched her mother's arm and Molly sat and wiped her eyes. Kingsley tapped his finger on the table, and Severus' jaw twitched. _Please. Please._

We have our information. It is clear that Professor Severus T Snape was loyal to the Order of the Phoenix, to Dumbledore, and to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. From this day forward, Professor Snape's loyalty cannot legally be questioned. He will face no further deposition, interrogation, or trial. I will hear no more of this. None. The magnamity of this man's sacrifice is enough. Our greatest reward to him will be allowing him to live in peace. We are adjourned," Kingsley said as he tucked his Quick-Quotes Quill into his bag, and stood, "Auror Maxwell and Auror Davis... You may go."

The two glared at Kingsley, and then longer at Severus, who challenged their stare, and then they left. When the doors closed behind them, Kingsley asked, "Now, are we going to the Three Broomsticks or not?"

Severus' mouth fell up just barely. The people around him began to rise. Severus remained seated. _What... I... Please..._

"Are you coming?" Kingsley asked.

"We'll be along in a minute," Hermione said. _Hermione._

The rest of the group had headed to Hogsmeade already. Harry, Minerva, holding Dumbledore's portrait, and Slughorn were standing near the door.

"We'll catch up!" Hermione nodded. _Hermione._

And then they were alone. She pulled the chair up closer to him, "Severus... It's over." _Oh, God..._

He released the breath he hadn't known he was holding and began to weep, "Hermione..." P _lease..._

She put her hand on his cheek and said, "It's over, love. It's over." _Hermione._

Hermione stood and pulled his head gently into her stomach. She held his head lovingly and ran her fingers through his black hair while he cried, "It's okay, Severus. They can't come for you. You won't go to Azkaban. You're safe. You're safe. It's okay." He clutched at her desperately.

 _I am home. I am home. I am home._


	28. Chapter 28

"C'mon. Let's head to Hogsmeade," She said and moved away, "They're all waiting!"

He stood slowly, "Hermione... I..." He was about to argue over the necessity of his presence in Hogsmeade, but when he looked at her face, he resigned, "Okay."

"Good," She smiled, "It will be something normal for us to do. To go out." _That's why she wanted to go so badly._

"Of course," He said. She slipped her arm around his and they walked to Hogsmeade.

"It was not as bad as I thought," Severus said quietly. _It wasn't._

"I agree. The boundaries on the scope were really helpful," She said and leaned her head against his arm, "I think you just feel really relieved."

"This feels good," He admitted after a few moments of silence.

"Walking?" She asked.

"With you. Like this," He said softly. She smiled and squeezed his arm.

They got to the barrier and stopped for a minute and both of them knew there were bound to be reporters on the other side still - especially since Harry Potter had just come that way from Hogwarts with some of the other biggest names to come out of the war. _I hate the celebrity._

"We could disillusion ourselves?" She asked after sensing his trepidation.

"And give up the opportunity to be seen with you on my arm?" He smirked, "Oh, no, this is an opportunity I must take."

"I guess it's good I'm here to stay then, yeah? You'll have loads of opportunities like this."

"Yes, I would like that. With less cameras and shouting, though," He said.

She snorted, moved in front of him, reached up, and kissed him softly on the mouth. He whimpered against her lips. _I love you._

She smiled, and took her place by his side again, her arm looped in his, her head resting on his shoulder. They stepped through the barrier and she could feel him tense instinctively. Instead of distancing himself from her, he pulled her tighter into him as they walked.

The cameras were surrounding The Three Broomsticks, focused on the celebrities inside, and they had to push their way through to the entrance. Only then were they noticed and hollered at.

When they walked in, Hermione turned to Severus, "They really are thick, aren't they?"

"Indeed," He smirked.

When they moved toward the bar, they saw the group of long tables where everyone was sitting. The people, his allies, saw them and stood in silence. Severus shrunk slightly in discomfort.

"Thank," He swallowed, "Thank you. All of you."

Harry began clapping. Slowly. Loudly. Emphatically. It caught like wildfire. _No. No. Oh..._ He could feel himself blushing.

As quickly as it happened, it was over, and Slughorn was shouting for wine. Severus scanned the crowd. Molly Weasley, the one person he truly wanted to speak with, was gone.

Hermione guided him to a seat. She was beautiful, truly, in social situations. Conversations, for her, came naturally. He spent much of the evening trying to avoid blatantly staring at her. _She's so beautiful. So beautiful._

Slowly, the crowd thinned out, until it was just the two of them. Severus could feel the wine coursing through his body, and he could tell she did too. He was ever careful of watching eyes, but he was happy to find that essentially no one, except the bartender, was paying them any mind.

"So what would you teach," He asked, "Truthfully?"

She smiled at him and sipped her wine, "Charms. Transfiguration. Those were my best classes."

"Yes, you are a charmer," He said.

"Oh, I don't think you always thought so," She laughed.

"Well, to be fair, you did set me on fire. And steal from me. You did that quite a few times actually, and you had a hand in knocking me out in the Shrieking Shack in your third year..." Severus said.

"And yet, you're here," She said playfully.

"That might be a surprise, but it is more surprising that you are here with me," He said, "After all I did to you," His body language was focused on only her, and he tucked her hair behind her ear.

"You didn't set me on fire, though," She smirked.

"Yes, that is probably one of the few things I did not do," He chuckled.

"You weren't all bad," She said, "Sometimes, you were, but not always. Plus, us girls took a liking to you anyway."

He looked thoroughly shocked and disgusted, "You've lost your mind."

"No, no, I assure you. I am perfectly sane! It's the voice, and the clothes. Billowing robes. Tight fitting black outfit. Can you blame us?"

"Absolutely!" He gagged and then laughed, "You're barking mad, Granger."

"You fit the bad boy billet, or the 'seriously misunderstood creature' billet," She gave him her very best Hagrid impression. He recoiled playfully a bit and then put his hand on her knee.

"You're beautiful," He said. _So beautiful._

"You are too," She said and then giggled realizing what she'd said, "I mean... Well, you are. Beautiful..."

He raised an eyebrow, "I think that's enough wine for you, Miss Granger," He chuckled, stood, and held his hand out for her. She stumbled getting up, "Oh, you'd better not get sick on me, Hermione," He laughed and winced as he stretched his back and the movement pulled at his shoulder.

He pulled coins from his coat and approached the bartender, "How much do I owe you?"

"It's on the house, Professor Snape," The man said.

"What? Surely not. That was a fair bit of drink, boy," He said and furrowed his brow. _What the devil?_

"It's on the house," The man said, "It'll always be for you lot."

Hermione asked, "Sir?"

"For your sacrifices," The man said and looked between the two, "We've cleared out the alley, too. No photographers now. Trying to get Hogwarts to buy all this property up. It'd be private then. They'll want it. Won't take long."

Severus' mouth dropped open and he stumbled for words, "Well. Thank you, but... you keep this," He said and set several galleons on the countertop.

Hermione clung to his arm on the way out and they were both relieved to see that there were, indeed, no photographers, "That was nice of him..." She said.

"Yes," He said, "Very."

"Severus?"

"Hmmm?" He rumbled as they walked.

"How'd you like to me to show you what I think of your outfit when we get back?" She giggled into his arm.

"Mmm," He said and felt himself growing warmer despite the warmth from the wine, "Only if you promise not to impersonate Hagrid."

She laughed, "But you are a 'seriously misunderstood creature,' Severus!"

He snorted, "Yes, that's a way to get a man into bed with you. Call him misunderstood and a creature."

"Is it working?"

"Perhaps..."

 _Bloody hell, woman, you know it's working._


	29. Chapter 29

Hermione's mouth was on his as soon as the door to their quarters closed behind them. He helped her pull off her shirt over her head. She tasted like wine. Hermione was rough in her state and he held her off him slightly.

"Hang on, Hermione," He said, "Let me take something. I haven't taken any pain medicine today, okay? Give me a moment," He pleaded huskily, "Then, you can have your way with me."

She kissed him again, her tongue on his, and then pulled away, "Okay," She smiled.

He walked to the bathroom and swallowed two large gulps of the potion, ran his hand through his hair, and flicked his wand at himself. He was standing in his underwear in front of the mirror. _I am too skinny._ The red scar on his shoulder was slightly inflamed, but did look better than it had originally. He held his arm stiffly and awkwardly close to his body when it wasn't in the sling. He felt suddenly nervous.

He turned and walked out of the bathroom, "Hermione?" He called. He walked around to the from of the couch and then made his way into the bedroom.

"Lumos," He whispered. There she was, asleep, and snoring lightly on top of the bed. She was still completely dressed. He pointed his wand at her and transfigured her outfit into pajamas, slid the comforter out from under her, and then pulled it over her again. _Oh, Granger._

Waving his wand over his body, he now stood in full pajama pants, but he was still bare chested. He slid into bed next to her, laid on his right side, and watched her as she slept. Her mouth was open slightly. There were more freckles on her face from exposure to sunlight in the summer season. Her skin was perfectly unblemished as usual. _Beautiful_

He adjusted carefully so that he was on his back and he listened to her breathing as his slowly became deeper. _I love you._

When he awoke, she was still sleeping soundly. His head hurt a bit from too much wine, but it was manageable. He slid out of bed, went to the bathroom, and began to rub the healing salve on his shoulder. Today, it felt much less painful to the touch, but it still twinged a bit in some places more so than others. When he finished, he flicked his wrist and a T-shirt appeared on his chest, and, leaving his sling behind, he walked into the kitchen to brew tea.

Summoning the Prophet, Severus sat down to read while his tea cooled a bit in front of him. His dark eyes moved over the headlines:

"Snape Confirms Relationship with Granger: 'I am unequivocally hers for as long as she'll have me'" _Indeed._

"Deposition Absolves Snape - Shacklebolt Says: 'He was Dumbledore's Man'" _Right._

"Snape Granger in Love in Hogsmeade"

He looked at the picture below that headline. They did look very much in love, his hand on her back as he guided her into The Three Broomsticks. _Oh, I am in love._

He heard a shuffling behind him and immediately tensed, but Hermione said, "Good morning," And her hand was in his hair. He relaxed.

"Morning," He said as he leaned a bit into her hand, "How are you feeling this morning?"

"A bit hungover, but I've got a cure in mind," She said slyly.

Her thumbs massaged on the sides of his neck behind his jaw, "Do you?" His voice was low.

"Oh, yes," She pulled his hair way from his ear and nibble at his earlobe. He moaned.

His shirt was gone and her mouth was moving down the left side of his neck in slow, tantalizing kisses. He shivered as she moved lower, and then he hissed as she touched her lips to the first part of his scarring, the highest part that extended slightly up the bottom of his neck, "Hermione," His body tensed.

"Relax, my love," She said as she kissed down the scarring. It didn't hurt. _It doesn't hurt._ But it did feel strange, like pins and needles - the stimulation was strange and foreign.

She kissed across the back of his neck to the other side of it and then bite him slightly. The hair stood up on his arms. _Oh, God..._

Hermione moved around in front of him, pushed the table back, and straddled his lap. He swallowed hard and gritted his teeth as he tilted his head up to look at her eyes. He let out a deep breath, and she asked, "Does it hurt too badly?"

"A bit," He said with a small grimace.

She frowned and pulled off of him. The defeat on his face was obvious. _I'm sorry._ She dragged her finger down his chest and then turned around and walked toward the counter.

"Hermione, I'm sorry," He sighed, "I don't... Care that it hurts... I'm..." He fumbled for words. _Damn it!_

She pulled herself up on the counter at a spot without cabinets and faced him, "Come here," She said and smiled devilishly at him.

He stood and walked over to her and she pulled him in between her legs and he moaned. Her mouth was nearly level with us, "Oh, you minx," He growled.

"There are plenty of ways for me have you that will be easier on your injury, Severus, but I want your mouth," She whispered into his ear and he shuddered. _Godddd..._

His mouth was on hers in a slow yet ferocious desire. In a moment, they were both naked, though neither of them could discern who had done it. His right hand was on her side. She pulled back to look at him and he focused on his left arm and moved his left hand to her hip. He stepped away just barely from her and put his right hand between them.

He touched his fingers to her lightly and felt her desire for him. Moaning, he slipped a finger inside her. She cried out at the contact. A second finger followed the first and they curled together inside of her as he stroked her most intimate parts with his finger tips.

He pumped his fingers inside of her and watched her face as he did. She ground against his hand and brought her mouth to his again, "Fuck, Severus..." She hissed against his lips.

He kissed her hard, and his teeth scraped the tip of her tongue teasingly. He chuckled as she groaned and pushed against his hand again.

"You like that, do you?" He said dangerously, and she moaned, "Hermione?" He said, and flexed his fingers, and she shuddered and clenched on his fingers, "I asked if you like it?"

She grinned coyly, "Yes" She hummed.

He moaned and angled his fingers a little differently and she cried out and clenched down harder on him. He angled again, and stroked, finding her closer and closer to the edge. _Give it to me, Hermione._

"Yes, Hermione," He pushed her, and she arched her back and neck and lost herself on his hand, and he held his fingers curled inside her while she came down from it. _Yesss._

When she met his eyes again, he buried himself inside her and they cried out in unison. He twitched inside of her and her mouth was on his, open, but not moving, the pleasure in both of their bodies rendering them in capable of the fine motor skills required to kiss. He moved against her, desperately, pumping inside her. Her legs wrapped around his hips and pulled him deeper inside, and she moaned as he touched every part of her sex.

"Hermione..." He said and his voice was deep and raw and husky. He could feel her teetering on the edge again, "With me," He grunted and sped up, angled perfectly, and hit deeper. Magic sparked between them on their skin.

She cried out loudly and he followed, emptying deep inside her, and she clung to him.

 _I've died and gone to Heaven. I swear it._

I've got an idea where to go to keep it going - sounds like you guys would prefer that? :)


	30. Chapter 30

After they had showered and dressed, Hermione turned to him with a look of anxiety on her face.

"What is it?" His brow furrowed.

"I'd like to go visit with the Weasleys..." She said and when his eyes narrowed, she said, "I know you can't come because you can't travel, but I just worry about you being here alone."

He scoffed, "I don't need a babysitter," He said and waved his hand at her and then tugged at his sling, "Besides, there are other people here."

She smirked, "Right. Sorry. I guess I am more clingy than you are."

"I highly doubt that," He said as he touched her face and smiled.

"You won't spend the whole day brooding in here?" She teased.

Severus rolled his eyes, "Go, woman."

She kissed him quickly and then she was gone. He left his room and walked down the corridor to find Horace Slughorn. When he found the Head of Slytherin House, he saw the man was very happily engaged in a conversation with a house elf in the Great Hall. Horace looked up and saw Snape standing in the doorway and politely excused himself from the conversation with the house elf.

"Severus!" He said merrily, "How are you feeling?"

"Better," Severus said, "And you?" The dark eyes moved over the man's face. His graying hair was nearly all white. He had lost weight, but that had done him well. Slughorn looked tired, but he had a tremendous air of relief about him.

"I am recovering, my boy," He smiled, "What can I do for you?"

"I do not require anything of you. I was just wondering if you'd like to have a drink with me?" Severus asked.

The man's smile stretched over his whole face, "Yes! Yes! Of course, dear boy!"

"I was hoping you'd say that," Severus said, and then extended his right arm, "Lead the way, my Slytherin friend."

Horace led them both back to his private rooms. There was a long leather black couch in front of the fire place that was in pristine condition. In front of it, there was a magnificent, rectangular, black marble coffee table. Two matching black leather sitting chairs were on the left and right side of the couch and completed the circle of furniture that had been, no doubt, arranged with the idea of entertaining in mind.

"Hello, Severus," Albus Dumbledore was in the portrait in Slughorn's rooms.

"Albus," Severus said curtly, and Slughorn eyed the pair. Severus gritted his teeth and said, "I ... appreciated your support at my deposition."

"It was the least I could do," Albus said, "I owe you so much more."

"You owe us Slytherins an afternoon to ourselves, Albus," Slughorn said. There was a tone in his voice that Severus couldn't quite place. _Annoyance? Defensiveness? Both?_

Albus nodded and left the frame. Slughorn's lip twitched and then his face was merry again.

"Sit anywhere, Severus," Slughorn said, and Severus sat in one of the chairs, "You still enjoy a bit of scotch?" Slughorn asked. _Oh, dear._

Severus chuckled, "Oh, yes, but it has been quite some time since I've had any. You'll be scraping me off the floor."

Slughorn laughed, a rich and hearty laugh, "Come now, boy, you have done our House proud. Don't ruin it by not being able to hold your drink!"

Snake smiled, and took the drink that Slughorn had offered him, and Slughorn held his drink up, "To living," He said quietly.

"To living," Severus said and touched his glass to Slughorn's. Slughorn sat in the chair across from Severus, stuck his wand toward the fire, and ignited the wood.

It was warm outside, but Slughorn's rooms were in the dungeons, though not attached to the Potions room. It was always cool and drafty down there, so the fire was welcome. Severus looked at Horace and saw he was staring into the flames quietly and looked to be in deep thought. Severus took another drink.

"You know," Slughorn said, "It really is all my fault."

Snape's eyes narrowed, "What?"

"I told..." Slughorn took a large sip of his scotch, "Tom Riddle, when he was a student, asked me about Horcruxes. I told him. I was the one who told him."

"He already knew about them. He was only seeking to confirm his theories, Horace," Snape said and when Horace looked at him in surprise, he added, "Dumbledore told me."

"Course he did," Slughorn said in mild disgust, "Always parading other people's business about when it was convenient for him."

"You've no idea," Snape's voice was deep and dark. _That was his true talent._

"I blame myself, Severus," Slughorn said seriously, "For what happened. This whole war, all the people who died... Lily... Sweet Lily. Lovely Lily," Slughorn said. For the first time, the sound of her name didn't make his chest hurt, "She was one of my favorites, like you. My... The information I gave Tom... He used it, and she died because of it."

"No, Horace, I am afraid I must take the blame there."

"You told him nothing of Horcruxes, Severus."

"Oh, no. No. Not Horcruxes. Of her, though. Of Lily."

Slughorn looked confused and Snape elaborated, "I heard the prophecy - the one that the Dark Lord interpreted as referring to Harry Potter."

"You... You told him?"

"Yes, though, at the time, I had no idea it might implicate her," Severus said glumly, "I had no idea she was even pregnant. The Dark Lord had me keeping tabs on Dumbledore. That's how I heard it - during Trelawney's interview. I relayed what I had heard, in hopes to avoid torture for even a small time...and the rest, as they say, is history."

Horace looked at him. As he gazed at Severus, he could see how heavy the regret was on his heart, "That's why you came back to us? To save her?" _Yes, that is what everyone thinks._

"Not entirely. I was disenchanted," Severus admitted, "The dark was something to which I was inclined, but it was not something that was inherent to me. The moment that I realized the Dark Lord intended to seek out Lily, and her family, that he felt that Harry was the boy in the prophecy... Yes, that was the moment of action, but my heart had changed months before. I did his bidding, spying, relaying information, in hopes I would be spared. He was..." Severus' eyes flickered, "Something else entirely in those days. The lust to prove himself, to be evil..." Severus trailed off.

"We are a mess, aren't we, Severus?" Slughorn said.

Severus looked at him and sighed, "I believe we are, yes. But you should know... On the other side of all of this, there is nothing but forgiveness."

"How would you know?" Slughorn asked curiously.

Severus smirked and said, "I was dead. For a bit there. Technically."

Slughorn laughed fully again, "That you were!"

After another quiet moment, Slughorn asked, "Why did you fall out? You and Lily? You were the best of friends."

"I made a mistake. A terrible mistake. I was humiliated. James Potter and his friends had just strung me up in the air by my ankles and pulled my pants off in front of a whole crowd of students. She came to my defense, and I...said I didn't need help from... someone like her..." Severus said, and Slughorn looked confused, and then realization dawned on his face.

"Oh, Severus..."

"It was the straw that broke the camel's back."

"I had always thought you detested that word; I've heard you yell at students quite fiercely for using it," He noted.

"I do," He said, "I have not used it since that day."

"Good, Severus. You were always better than all of that nonsense."

Severus laughed, "In the end, yes."

Slughorn snorted and asked, "How is Granger? You are out of the proverbial doghouse, I presume?"

Snape chuckled, "She is recovering. Neither of us are looking forward to the memorial or the award ceremony this weekend."

Slughorn shook his head, "No, nor am I," There was a pause, and then Slughorn lightened the topic, "You know your children will surely be brilliant." _Children?_

Severus' mouth dropped open and Slughorn laughed again, "Come now, surely, you've thought of it!"

"Truthfully, no. Not really. We've discussed marriage... Briefly. In the sense that we want to marry, but nothing concrete."

"Oh, it will come, Severus. Of that, I have no doubt," He smiled, "And your child will surely make the shelf as well," He pointed to the shelf full of pictures of former students.

"I am certain I am not up there, Horace," Severus said, "Perhaps when I was a boy."

Horace stood and motioned for Severus to follow him, "No, not when you were a boy," Slughorn said sadly, "My heart still stings from all my dinner invitations that you rejected."

Severus looked at the photographs on the shelf, and Slughorn spoke again, "But as a man, Severus," Slughorn pointed to one photograph, "You most certainly made the shelf."

Severus looked at the frame. In it was a picture of Severus and Slughorn at the Start-of-Term Feast the first year he came out of retirement. Severus was sitting next to Slughorn and they were engaged in a friendly conversation. Candles floated around their heads and they smiled at each other. The picture replayed the conversation and smiles several times before Severus was able to tear his eyes away from it.

"I..." Severus swallowed the threatening lump in his throat, "I... Thank you."

Slughorn nodded and chuckled, "Well, you know what I always say... Anyone who hopes to be anyone hopes to wind up here. You, Severus... You most certainly are someone."

They were quite for several minutes as they looked over all of the photographs.

"Yes, I have no doubt your future child will make this shelf," Slughorn repeated, "The only question is: into which House will the young Snape be sorted? Personally, I think the Sorting Hat will explode trying to work through that."

Slughorn laughed and Snape chuckled.

 _There are so many things in the world I never thought I would ever be able to consider..._


	31. Chapter 31

There was a knock on Slughorn's door and he wandlessly pulled the door open. Minerva McGonagall, Filius Flitwick, and Ponoma Sprout walked in to the room.

"Oh, Severus," She said, "I didn't expect you to be here."

Severus looked from her to the two people standing behind her and said nothing.

She spoke again, "Horace... We are here to... Look over the arrangements for the... memorial," She said and her eyes filled with tears, "We have a list of names... The Fallen Fifty."

 _Memorial._

 _Memorial._

 _Fred._

 _Colin._

 _Remus._

 _Tonks._

 _Fifty._

 _Fifty._

Severus felt nauseous. He looked nervously at Minerva and then at her shaking hands. She had a folded piece of paper clutched between her fingers tightly. The room began to spin a little bit and he struggled to remain steady on his feet.

"Severus," Horace said, and he put his hand on the the younger man's right arm, "You should sit," and he guided the man to the nearest chair. Horace took the drink from Severus' trembling hand, "It's okay, my boy. It's okay."

Severus was cold, clammy, and he closed his eyes and focused on breathing, "I apologize. I have no idea what's come over me. I apologize."

"Grief," Filius said sadly with his watery eyes on the floor. _It hurts._

Ponoma added, "You don't have to feel ashamed. I believe this is a particularly hard moment for you because you are looking at the physical evidence..." She gestured to the note in Minerva's hand, "And that list... You very narrowly escaped having your name on there..." _I know. I know. I know._

Filius said, "The position of Headmaster of this school is not simply a job. When you take those vows, even though yours were under different circumstances, it is... binding. Every student loss... You will feel so much more..." He wiped a tear from his eye, "I am sorry, Severus." _It's my fault._

A small sob escaped Severus' lips, "It feels like I failed them. It feels like it's my fault."

The professors nodded, agreeing, sharing his guilt.

Minerva approached him and she said, "It is not your fault, Severus. You did everything you could have done and more. It is not any of our fault." _I failed them._

"Why does it hurt so bad?" He whimpered.

"Because, as Headmaster, your bond with the students is very strong. It also hurts so badly because you are a good man, Severus Snape," She touched her hand to his cheek. _It's my fault._

He took in a shaky breath. Minerva turned to Horace, "I believe we will need a round of drinks, Horace."

He nodded firmly and turned to his cabinet. Severus' mind was reeling. In a moment, there was another drink in his hand and he immediately took a long sip. The four people in the room sat around him in silence. Each sipped from their drink in an unspoken quest to ease some of the grief and guilt they felt.

Minerva unfolded the piece of paper and all eyes watched as hers traveled down the list. She gasped and her hand covered her mouth, "There are so many children..."

Together, the four House Heads and their former Headmaster wept as each name was read and sorted into its proper House.

"There is another list, of those who were injured," Pomona said as she wiped her nose on a handkerchief.

Severus looked at her, and she nodded, "Yes... Severus, you are on that one..."

He grimaced. Filius looked at him, "Severus, your role in all of this... We are all in your debt."

Severus shook his head painfully, "No. No. There is no debt."

Filius raised his glass, "To our Headmaster." _No. Please. I'm not a Headmaster._

He was toasted, and then Minerva asked if they would walk together to see where the memorial would be held. They walked out to the courtyard.

There were white chairs and over 50 of them had photograph with a name identifying the person. Those chairs would remain empty... _for those who should be here._

He turned and looked at all of the chairs. _So many children._ Minerva pulled out her wand and waved it gracefully. Tiny floral wreaths appeared next to every photograph. _So many children._

Filius, Ponoma, and Horace had moved outside the archway just before the bridge. Minerva and Severus walked toward them and Severus could see a large statue that was covered by a sheet. When he stopped, Horace held up his wand and removed the sheet slowly.

The memorial statue was a large white marble Phoenix. It was frozen in mid flight as it rose from the rubble below on the top of the platform in which it sat. On its chest was a detailed Hogwarts crest, and on the platform, there was a quote: "Hope rises from the ashes of sacrifice and from the rubble of war." Under the quote, were the names. So many names. _So many children_.

They stared in silence and Severus pulled out his ebony wand and pointed it at the statue. Vines of blue Forget-Me-Not flowers wound their way around the statue beautifully. Flitwick pointed his wand at the flowers and they shimmered and he said softly, "Now, they will stay always and never die."

Horace covered the statue with the sheet again so that it would be prepared for the memorial service and the five adults walked back into the castle and returned to Horace's rooms. Slughorn quickly poured more drinks and the conversation was somber and focused.

"People will start arriving Friday. They will be able to stay until Sunday. The memorial will be at 11am on Saturday, and then the award ceremony will be at 3pm. There's going to be a lot of security. Many Death Eaters are still at large and we will have more than a few reasons present for them to have interest in trying to attend. All of our wards and protection spells will be increased, and any at large Death Eater will not be able to pass. The additional physical security is mostly just for peace of mind," Minerva explained.

"We could all use more of that," Horace said sadly.

 _Here, here, Horace. Here, here._


	32. Chapter 32

When Hermione and Severus awoke on Saturday, it was very early. The sun had not yet risen, and they clung to each other desperately. Eventually, they slid out of bed.

"Students are wearing their Hogwarts uniforms today. To show unity," She told him. She didn't need a response and wasn't looking for one. He nodded and she disappeared into the bathroom. Using his wand, he dressed himself in his usual attire sans robes. When she emerged from the bathroom, he could tell she had been crying.

He stood and walked over to her, pulled her into his chest with his right hand, and held her tightly. Tears threatened to fall from his eyes, but he restrained himself.

"It's going to be a long day, Severus," She whispered.

"Yes."

"I don't understand why they have the memorial and the awards ceremony today."

"I believe it is to be able to award the dead and the families of the dead with an immediateness, that doing so would afford a greater sense of closure to the families - their loved one's sacrifice is memorialized and then honored and awarded."

She looked up at him, "It could have so easily been you being remembered..."

His jaw twitched and he held her tightly, "That has been a reality I have been lucky to have been able to avoid, but it is creeping up on me at great speed."

"Come, let's go. Harry should be here any minute now," She pulled half of her wavy hair back, and Severus watched her in wonder. _I love you._

She walked from his rooms and he followed her. If he were honest, he was quite nervous about the reaction he would get and the reaction they would get. _They'll hate me still. I know it. All of these people will know too much of me._ He felt ill.

They found Harry near the Great Hall. He was with the Weasley family and he embraced Hermione in a warm hug. Severus was stiff behind her, and he shook Potter's hand. He looked over the already gathering crowd and he met the red-rimmed amber eyes of George Weasley, who was leaning against the wall. He stepped toward George. _Fred_.

"Mr. Weasley," He drawled. George met his eyes silently, "I am sincerely sorry for your loss."

George contemplated the man before him, "You saved my life, Snape. You saved so many of my family that night...You saved Ginny while she was here. And Ron more times than I can count..."

"It all sounds heroic when you say it that way," Severus said, "But I'm no hero. I did what was necessary. It is my biggest regret that I was not in a position to help Fred... I would have done anything," Severus said in a low voice.

George looked at him, "This was you?" He pointed to his ear and Severus grimaced and nodded. George said, "Remus said it was. He guessed at it because of the type of the curse. I knew then that there was something off about you," He said.

Severus narrowed his eyes, and George continued, "If you wanted me dead, you'd have had me dead. I also heard the Death Eater behind me scream and saw his hand all mangled as he fell away from all of us. Then, when Mum told me, it made sense."

Severus nodded, and George crushed himself into him. _Fuck._ The pain in his shoulder nearly took his breath away, but the boy's crushing embrace was something they both needed, and it symbolized an acknowledgement and acceptance that Severus had craved for most of his life. When George finally pulled away, he was crying, they were being stared at, and Severus was trembling in pain.

George noticed his trembling and reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver flask, "Here. For the pain."

Severus eyed it leerily, "One of your Potions, Weasley? I have done quite well at avoiding your products..."

George snorted, "Whiskey."

Snape smirked, nodded, and brought the flask to his lips. The whiskey burned as it went down his throat and settled on the nerves and anxiety in his belly.

Arthur approached the pair and stuck his right hand out toward Severus, who took it and shook it firmly. Arthur's lip trembled and he struggled to keep himself contained. Eventually, he settled on a choked, "Thank you," and Severus expressed his sympathies.

Severus looked over the growing crowd of people, nervousness building in his stomach at the number of people. He saw Hermione with her back to him talking Ron and Lavender Brown. Brown had a rather large and thick white bandage over the right side of her neck and Ron's arm was around the girl's waist. Harry Potter, holding hands with Ginny, approached the three. Dean, Neville, Luna, and Seamus had gathered there too.

As he moved to go toward the group, someone said, "Professor Snape?"

He turned toward the voice and saw Beth. Her eyes were red and watery, her nose was red, and he strawberry-blonde hair looked... Sad, as if all the life had gone from it.

"Beth," He said, "I am sorry we've had to see each other again under these circumstances."

She nodded and wiped a tissue to the underside of her nose, "Yes. Thank you... How is your arm?"

"Recovering. Slowly, but recovering," He said. She smiled, and a man appeared behind her. He had the same dark blue eyes that were red rimmed, and wavy strawberry blonde hair. He was followed by a teenage boy - Dennis... _Oh, poor boy._

Severus' jaw twitched and Beth turned to the man and said, "Dad, this is Professor Snape. He was... one of Colin's teachers."

The man extended his hand to Severus, who shook it. Mr. Creevey spoke, "Dennis, you have him too?"

Dennis looked at Snape curiously. His face was distrusting and angry, "Yeah. Potions. Defense. He was Headmaster this past year. Wouldn't let us mudbloods come back this year though, would you, Snape?" Severus flinched at the word visibly. _Grief. He's grieving._

"Dennis, don't," Beth scolded the boy, "I'm sorry, Professor Snape."

Severus looked at Dennis, "You blame me. I blame me. That, at least, we have in common."

Dennis scowled and turned away and Beth said, "I'm really sorry, Professor. He's not usually this way."

Severus' jaw twitched and he spoke quietly, "It is a difficult day."

She nodded, and Dennis began to lead themaway to another family. Severus made his way through the crowd toward the group of young witches and wizards and stood behind Hermione. The former students recoiled at his presence and their eyes sank nervously to the floor.

"Blimey, Snape..." Ron swallowed, "You're still scary."

Severus looked at Lavender, who kept her eyes on the floor. Hermione turned around to see where he was looking, "Lavender was attacked by Fenrir Greyback... In Werewolf form."

Severus' eyes flickered and Lavender wiped her eyes, "It wasn't even a full moon..." She said, "And now I'm part-monster..."

"Greyback was an anomaly amongst werewolves, able to shift at will during any moon phase, almost like an Animagus," Severus drawled as Lavender met his eyes.

"It wasn't a full moon, but it didn't matter..." Lavender said, "I was at St. Mungo's... It happened. The full moon... I didn't transform... I didn't. This bandage is stupid. Thing's mostly healed by now. I have a wonky metabolism now..."

Severus gritted his teeth. _Fucking animal,_ "I am sorry."

She wiped at her eyes again and Ron hugged her to him, "It's alright, Lav. We'll figure it out. Bill and Fleur have loads of advice."

 **They got back together right before the final battle.**

 _I see._

"The potion to which Weasley is referring is called the Wolfsbane Potion," Severus said, and Lavender nodded.

"Yes, they gave that to me the night of the full moon... Just in case..." She said. _Poor girl._

Severus saw white approaching, and turned completely to see Draco Malfoy. He was slouched slightly and uncharacteristically and he had his fists shoved in his robes.

"Draco..." Severus said.

"Mother said it isn't a good idea for me to be here probably, but I... I was here. With them. I fought with them. I saw some of them die..." He stopped himself.

Harry spoke up, "You're as welcome as everyone else, Draco."

Draco nodded. The bell outside in the courtyard began to toll. An uncomfortable silence fell across the crowd and it began to flow out into the courtyard and fill in the seats. Severus' discomfort and anxiety grew and he could feel eyes on him as he walked behind Hermione. She was on his left when they sat. Potter was on her left, then Ginny, then Ron, then Lavender, and the rest of the Weasley family. Draco sat directly to Snape's right at the end of the row.

Kingsley stood and began to speak, "My friends, we have come here today with heavy hearts. We have lost so many friends, family members, House mates, teachers, students... Today, we will honor the fallen. Today, we will award the fallen, and the living, for the sacrifices that were made in this war. The horrors of war stare us in the face today. We see the wounded amongst us, realize the wounded that were unable to join us, and we see these chairs left empty for those who will never again sit among us ..." Kingsley's voice was strangled by his emotion. Minerva, who was standing near him, touched her hand to his back and he nodded, swallowed, and then continued, "There is no way for us to ever expressed the immensity of our gratitude for these brave witches and wizards for their sacrifice. The only thing we can do is keep them in our minds, and in our hearts, every day. Each day, we must live in such a way so that we honor their memory, their sacrifice, and their bravery. We are safe today, victorious today, because of these brave witches and wizards, and because of the brave witches and wizards among us and all over who fought in this war. The wake of devastation that follows war is one that we must navigate together, as one. We lean, now more than ever, on each other completely and we will never forget those who gave the ultimate sacrifice."

There was a pause after Kingsley's words, "Now, if you would all please take out your wands," The crowd shuffled and Severus pulled his wand from his coat, "We will read the names of each individual who gave the ultimate sacrifice. We will list the individuals name and their house. After each name, we ask that you send sparks into the air that are the color of the respective houses." _Oh, Lord..._

Severus gripped his wand tightly, then touched it to his shoulder and the sling was gone. Gingerly, he reached for Hermione's hand. She took his and rested their hands on his thigh. His breathing was uneven and he could feel panic and grief rising and threatening to overwhelm him.

Kingsley spoke, "Elizabeth Adams - Hufflepuff."

Yellow sparks erupted into the air above them.

"Gabriel Barnes - Ravenclaw."

Blue sparks.

"Colin Creevey - Gryffindor." _Oh, Colin..._

Red sparks.

"Zander Duncan - Ravenclaw."

Blue sparks.

"Jennifer Everhard - Slytherin."

Green sparks.

The names began to blur. His chest hurt and he felt dizzy. He seemed to only be able to register some names, and focused on the House given. _So many children. So many children. So many children._

"Remus Lupin - Gryffindor." _Remus..._

Red sparks.

The bile in the back of his throat was growing more and more difficult to swallow as the names went on.

"Nymphadora Tonks - Hufflepuff."

Yellow sparks.

 _Tonks. Fierce witch. Good witch. So young. Her son._

"Fred Weasley - Gryffindor." There was a gasp, a whimper, a collective heart breaking around him, and tears dropped from his eyes.

Red sparks.

 _Red sparks. Red sparks. Red sparks._

Severus remained sitting while the group stood to move to the unveiling of the Phoenix statue.

Hermione wiped her face and turned back to him, fixed his sling to him again, and said quietly, "Are you okay?"

He flicked his head. His jaw was flexing repeatedly and he was trembling. He kept his mouth shut tightly because he was afraid the scream inside of him would burst out if he didn't.

"I will stay with him," Horace Slughorn had appeared, "You go on, Miss Granger and Mr Malfoy."

He sat next to Severus while Severus fought to suppress the panic attack inside of him.

"You are safe, my boy. You are safe. Those names... They are not your fault. Each child is a terrible loss, like a candle snuffed out far too early, and we all feel the weight. It is not your fault. It is not my fault. We feel blame, guilt, shame, grief, because we are good, Severus. You are safe now," Slughorn talked to him in a low soothing voice, "You did more than any of us, and you are safe now. You are safe, Severus. Focus on your feet on the ground. Feel that you're grounded." He wasn't sure how long Slughorn had talked to him that way.

 _Like a candle snuffed out far too early..._


	33. Chapter 33

Within an hour, they were feasting in the Great Hall together. The food and drink presented were toasted as a celebration of life.

Severus wasn't eating. Draco sat on his right again, and Hermione to his left. The House Heads were across from him, and down more to his left were all the Weasleys, Potter, Finnigan, Longbottom, Lovegood and her father, Thomas, Brown, and Creevey's family.

"Severus," Pomona said quietly from across the table, "You must eat."

He grimaced and met her eyes briefly. Truthfully, he was feeling quite ill. _I can't._

Draco spoke softly from beside him, "You must at least try to eat."

Severus scowled and and snarled, "I don't need mothered." _Leave me be._

Hermione put her hand on his knee gently as she looked at him carefully. _Hermione._ She had been physically distant for most of the day, and aside from holding his hand during the reading of the names, he was badly aching for her. Neither of them were particularly physically demonstrative. _I'm not demonstrative at all._ The thought of other people seeing afffection between them made his stomach turn. He was a private man, and he would remain as such, but at present he felt quite small and lonely, as he had as a boy, even though he was surrounded by people. _Hermione._

"Severus," She said, "You look like you're going to be sick."

He swallowed nervously, "I will be back." _Don't vomit. Don't vomit. Don't vomit._

He stood and walked down the space between the long tables. As he walked, he heard his name, and slowed his pace to hear the conversation.

"What do you think she even sees in him?" The female voice said with a tone of revulsion.

"Nothing! How could she?!" The male said, "She just wanted to stay at the top of our class, so she stayed on top of him."

"I don't care what anyone says about him; he's vile, cruel, and evil, and she's a whore - Potter, Weasley, you, and now him?"

"Sad to say I never got the pleasure..."

He turned on his heels and saw the eyes of Romilda Vane and Cormac McLaggen widen in horror. They had seen that dangerous glitter in his eyes before. _Fuck, it hurts._

"What did you say?" He said and the quiet menacing in his tone silenced those nearest and the quiet began to spread about the hall. Soon, all eyes were on him. _Fuck._

Draco was next to him and in his ear, "Keep moving. Let it alone."

"My ears must deceive me," He pulled away from Malfoy and stepped toward the table, "What. Did. You. Say?"

Slughorn and McGonagall, sensing danger, were moving quickly to them. Hermione was standing at her place and Harry had her arm in his hand holding her back.

"Snape, let it go," Draco hissed at him.

"What is the meaning of this?" McGonagall looked between the four, "What have you done?" She stared at the younger two at the table.

"Nothing, Professor," Cormac said in feigned innocence

"I very much doubt that, Mr. McLaggen," Minerva said.

"Tell them what you said," Draco sneered in a way that rivaled Severus, "About Snape, about Granger."

They paled considerably and shrank in their seats.

"It was just a joke, Professor McGonagall," Romilda started.

"In the hall. Now. All of you," Minerva's mouth was pinched into a dangerously thin white line.

The group shuffled into the hallway, and Snape stood at a distance. Cold hatred etched the lines of his face, and his dark eyes glittered dangerously.

"Tell them!" Draco was annoyed.

"We were just talking about Professor Snape and Hermione," Romilda's eyes were on the floor as she fumbled with the words. _Insufferable cow._

"What of them?" Slughorn asked impatiently.

Romilda looked at Cormac for help and Snape seethed, "You'll find no help from McLaggen. He's as useless as the day he was born." _Prick._

Cormac's jaw twitched and he turned on Snape, who towered over him, "You know what, Snape? You can't do anything to me anymore. I don't care what anyone says about you, how they romanticize you, or how they make you out to be a hero..."

Snape's magic popped and crackled across him, and Cormac's bravado waned. Severus' lips barely parted when he said, "Go on."

The threat of Severus Snape was too real for Cormac McLaggen, and he retreated a step.

"He said Granger was only with Snape to make sure she stayed at the top of the class, and she," Draco pointed at Romilda, "Said old Snape here is vile, cruel, and evil, and that Granger is a whore."

Minerva's mouth was drawn so tightly it nearly disappeared, and the anger on Horace's face colored him a shade of red none of the people present had seen.

"I do not care what you say about me," Snape's voice was a quiet threat, "People have been saying it since before the two of you were born," He looked into hall and met Hermione's eyes, "What you said about Hermione Granger, however, is..." His hate choked his words, "Unwise."

Romilda scoffed, "You can't threaten us, Snape. We aren't your students anymore."

"How convenient for you," He said, "To say something in such a cowardly way without ever having to face the consequences. I assure you, should you..."

"You're watched like a hawk! You couldn't do anything to us if you wanted," She spat, "And you're a cripple!" Her face was smug and she crossed her arms defiantly.

Snape's eyes moved up the row where Hermione was approaching them, "Who said anything about me?" Hermione appeared from the hall and their eyes went wide again.

"I'll leave them to you, Minerva," Severus said smoothly.

"What's going on?" Hermione said.

"Nothing, my love," He said. His voice was a velvet caress and his arm found its way around her waist. His word choice and physical affection had the desired effect on Vane and McLaggen as they both went green and shivered, "Come. Let us rejoin the feast," He said and his hand guided her to the hall and fell from her back as soon as they were in sight of everyone else.

"'My love'?" She asked, "You never say that."

"But did you see their faces?" He smirked.

She giggled and then said, "Yeah. It was kind of nice to hear that, though."

"Yes, my love," He said so quietly and tenderly that she nearly missed it. She blushed as they made their way back to their seats.

Within a few minutes, Minerva's mouth was near Severus' ear as she made her way to the front of the hall, "Our 'friends' won't be joining us for the award ceremony," She said.

"Pity," Severus said and reached for his wine.

"Oh, yes, and McLaggen had the nerve to ask about his medal! I told him I'd wrap it and owl it to him. After I spit on it, of course."

Severus choked on his drink as he laughed at the woman's words. She continued her way to the front of the hall to break the group from lunch so they could rearrange the hall for the ceremony.

 _That woman is a gift from God._


	34. Chapter 34

After the break between lunch and the ceremony, Severus found himself seated next to Hermione at the end of a long row of chairs. Draco was seated in chair directly behind him. There were far more people at the award ceremony, many younger students whose parents had kept them home from the memorial.

On the table at which the staff usually ate, there were dozens of Order of Merlin medals and ribbons of all three color - green, purple, and white.

When Kingsley approached the stage, the crowd quieted itself. All eyes and ears focused on the Minister, "We are here to award the bravery, the valor, and the sacrifices made in our recent war. Those who gave them ultimate sacrifice will be awarded here today, and a family member may come up and accept the award for the deceased." _So many parents accepting for their children._

He scanned the crowd, "We will start with the Order of Merlin - Third Class..."

As Kingsley spoke, Severus found it hard to focus. His shoulder was throbbing. The words McLaggen and Vane had spoken earlier hurt him. It hurt him for himself, but it hurt him more for her. People will say terrible things about him, and by extension, about her as well. Her reputation would suffer because of him. _She deserves so much better._

As if she could sense his self-loathing and anxiety, she looked at him and studied his face. Her knowledge of him and ability to read him was disarming.

 **Stop it, Severus. Whatever they've said, whatever has gotten itself in your head.. It's wrong.**

 _I am sorry, Hermione._

 **I love you, and there's nothing you can do about it.**

Kingsley's transition to the Order of Merlin - First Class awards broke their mental conversation. The list of dead receiving the award was quite long. Crying family members accepted the awards and Severus' heart wrenched in his chest. Andromeda and Ted Tonks, with the infant Lupin had accepted both Tonks' and Remus' awards. _Remus..._ Colin's family accepted his award for him. Beth and her father had cried, but Dennis' eyes had stayed on the floor. _Poor child._ George Weasley accepted Fred's award alone, and Severus' heart nearly tore from his chest. Hermione's hand in his squeezed hard. _Fred.._ There were rounds of applause between each name.

The awards to the living came next. There were so many.

"Luna Lovegood - Ravenclaw."

 _Such a strange child. Brilliant. Kind. Unfailingly good. Capable of a perceptiveness that astounds._

"Neville Longbottom - Gryffindor."

 _I have regretted many things in my life, Neville Longbottom. One of the largest has been my treatment of you._

"Ginerva Weasley - Gryffindor."

He stared at Ginny as she approached and crossed the stage. Nobody who had accepted these awards looked happy in any way.

Several names passed as he thought of Ginny. _The only girl. Intelligent. Fierce and fiery. He looks so like his father and dates a woman so like his mother. Ginny is different. She is softer. Empathetic._

"Draco Malfoy - Slytherin."

There was a rush of whispers and dissent throughout the crowd, but the boy deserved it. He turned away from everything he had known, his family, his friends. He turned his back on them when it mattered most, and he fought against what he'd known. _He also helped to save my life._

"Lavender Brown - Gryffindor."

 _War changes people. It takes girls and turns them into women and boys and turns them into men._

"Minerva McGonagall - Head of Gryffindor House."

 _The courageous lion._

"Filius Flitwick - Head of Ravenclaw House."

 _The wise raven._

"Pomona Sprout - Head of Hufflepuff House."

 _The loyal badger._

"Horace Slughorn - Head of Slytherin House."

 _The resourceful snake._

He felt a strange sense of pride in having worked with all of them. _It has been the honor of my life._

"Ronald Weasley - Gryffindor."

 _Weasley. Brave. Headstrong. A solid heart._

"Hermione Granger - Gryffindor."

His heart swelled. He had known, rationally, she would receive this award, but was still in awe when he heard her name. She touched her lips to his cheek briefly before walked to the stage.

 _My lion. My lion. So brave and beautiful and true. My heart. My whole heart._

She took her seat next to him again and he held her hand, "You have earned that, Hermione," He said softly.

"Harry Potter - Gryffindor."

The crowd roared for Potter. A trained sneer appeared on Severus' face and he quickly ran his hand down his face to erase it.

 _Such a good boy. Honor. Nerve. Understanding._

Severus began to shift to prepare to leave, but Potter's voice interrupted.

"There is one final Order of Merlin - First Class Award. I believe that you all know the recipient of this award, or at least have a guess. I very much doubt the ability of any one of us to get him up front here, so I will move to him to give him this award in a moment, but I wanted to speak on him a bit first."

Harry grabbed the award, and Severus sank down as far as he possibly could into his chair. _No._

Potter continued, "I don't care what anyone in here has to say about or tries to argue over this. In fact, to make it a little more clear..." Harry moved toward Snape, his wand under his throat projecting his voice. He stood next to Severus and gestured for him to stand, and Severus, reluctantly, did. _Fuck._

"If you have knowledge of a time where Severus Snape directly or indirectly saved your life, and you know for a fact, that if it weren't for him, that you would have been seriously injured or killed, would you please stand?" _No, please..._

So many people stood. As Severus looked out at the crowd he could see the faces... All of the Weasleys, Hermione, Draco, the House Heads, Luna, Finnigan, Thomas, Kingsley, students... So many students. Students be recognized as ones he had pulled out from under the Carrows. Hermione was crying. Molly was crying. Minerva and Pomona were crying. Slughorn was wiping his eyes. Draco's eyes were red. The room blurred a bit and began to spin and he had to focus very hard on the feeling of the stone beneath his feet. _Breathe. Breathe._

"It may have been me in the end fighting Lord Voldemort, but I would not have been there if not for this man. This man singlehandedly made sure that I was safe, every day, and he risked his life every day to make sure that he could put me in the best position to succeed in the end. You doubt him, you whisper as he walks by, you say foul and cruel things... but if you believe in me, you must believe me when I say... I am nothing without this man. He embodies all that is good in all of our houses - brave, loyal, determined, and intelligent. He is not perfect - his temper is fearsome and his tongue is sharp and he's made mistakes, but I am nothing without sacrifices that this man made, the selflessness he showed, and the risks that he took. I am nothing without him. Severus Snape did what no one else, but he could do. We are all in his debt," Severus' body was shaking.

"So, this last Order of Merlin - First Class," Harry turned to Snape, "goes to Severus Snape - Slytherin," and the green eyes found the black.

 _Harry Potter._


	35. Chapter 35

After the ceremony, Hermione looked at Severus, "Congratulations, my love."

With a slight jerk of his head, Severus appeared to fend off an irksome fly, "My shoulder hurts."

She studied his face for a moment, "Let's go get you something before dinner, then."

He stood and followed her. People were talking about him as they passed but he did is best to focus on the bushy hair in front of him as she led him from the hall.

When they moved through the doorway, someone bumped into Severus quite hard and stood very close behind him. _Fuck._ Hermione was still moving in front of him. A wand stabbed into his kidney.

A harsh voice spoke into his ear, "You'll never be safe, Snape. We'll find you. And your mudblood."

Snape turned to see who had spoken to him, but there was nobody close to him anymore. All that remained was the smell of wet dog.

"Sev?" Hermione asked. Snape's eyes scanned the crowed and he pulled Hermione behind his back.

The fear on his face alarmed Minerva, "Severus, what's wrong?"

Snape said nothing, but his eyes found the back of a blond haired man moving out of the courtyard toward the edge of the school boundary. He moved quickly after him, wand drawn, weaving his way throw the blissfully ignorant crowd as Minerva and Hermione followed behind him. When he reached the end of the courtyard, his eyes fell on a giant beast of a werewolf. It was running outside of the barrier and disappeared into the forest. Severus' breathing grew shaky, and Minerva immediately began to alter the charms to also restrict any sort of magical creature from entering the castle property.

"Get him inside, Hermione, and take him to my office," Hermione grabbed his right hand and pulled him behind her quickly.

Soon, they were alone in the Headmistress' office. His chest was heaving unevenly and he was crying as she put her hands on either side of his face.

"Miss Granger, what's happened?" Dumbledore's voice came from the wall.

"I'm..." She said, "Sev... Sev, give me the memory, love," She touched the tip of her wand to his temple and he closed his eyes. When he opened them, she was standing over the pensieve and dropping the wisps of his memory into the basin.

Minerva came into the office with a flurry of robes behind her - Slughorn, Sprout, Flitwick, Potter, Kingsley, Ron and Arthur Weasley. Harry approached Snape carefully, "Severus?"

Snape's frantic dark eyes met Harry's and he clutched at Harry's robes, "They're after me," He said through trembling lips. His teeth began to chatter. _They're going to kill her. They're going to hurt her. Because of me. They're after me._

"What the bloody hell happened?" Ron said as he studied Snape. He had never seen the man so rattled before, not even at Shell Cottage when Hermione had been poisoned. Snape was sweating and trembling all over. The basin expanded and soon all faces were stuck into it. Snape could hear the clock ticking in the new silence.

"Severus," Dumbledore said quietly, "Whatever it is, whatever it may be, you have many powerful allies now. You are well protected. You are not alone, as I made you be for so many years, my boy..."

Severus said nothing. He could say nothing. His eyes were flicking back and forth across the floor and his stomach threatened to empty its contents. _Hermione. Hermione. Hermione._

"Do any of you recognize this man?" Minerva asked as the man's face floated in the basin.

When nobody identified him, Severus moved cautiously to the basin and glanced at the man. He was blond and young with pale soulless eyes, "I do not recognize him. He could have been using a Polyjuice potion. Perhaps Greyback? He was able to transform at will..." Severus said, "Whoever he is, he's a werewolf."

Minerva nodded, "Yes. Yes, he most certainly is."

"Malfoy. Where is Draco?" Snape asked suddenly. _Draco_

"Downstairs, I expect," Ron said.

"Get him. His family. They must be warned. If this man is after me because of my disloyalty to the Dark Lord, which appears to be the case, the Malfoys are also in danger."

"I'll find the boy," Horace said and left the office.

Hermione's arm wove its way around Severus' back and he leaned into her slightly. He wanted so badly to collapse into her arms, to run, to hide them both away where nobody could find them.

"What do we do, Kingsley?" Arthur asked.

Kingsley's eyes were focused on the man's face in the basin and his face was hard, "This man has connections to the Death Eaters. We must intensify our search for the loose Death Eaters, bring in any that we find... We must find the identity of this man - Polyjuice or not."

"What does Severus do? And the Malfoys? Hermione?" Pomona asked.

"There are far less Death Eaters in the world now. Many have fled the country. Many are dead. Many are already imprisoned. Yet, I do not feel comfortable telling you to just act as if nothing has happened," He met Severus' black eyes, "Be careful, Severus Snape. I do not wish you to make a hermit of yourself, but... Please. Take great care when traveling. If I were you, I would make Hogwarts a most permanent residence."

Severus' eyes flickered, and he looked to Hermione. She was chewing her lip nervously, "I should have died," He said with finality, "Died rather than bring about a new burden upon all of you. Died and my disloyalty and loyalty would have died with me."

Hermione reached for him, and he shuddered, "You, most especially, would be far safer."

"Snape, you put yourself at risk for years for all of us. We're here to help," Harry said.

Arthur spoke, his voice deep and firm, "You'll not go it alone anymore, Severus."

Severus' eyes moved from honey, to emerald, to chocolate. Horace appeared with a stricken looking Draco and he asked, "Do you know this man, Mr. Malfoy?"

Draco looked at the basin, "No. No. I don't. Should I?" His eyes moved from Horace to Severus.

"I do not know him either, but he knows me," Severus said lowly, "And he does not like my disloyalty to the Dark Lord."

"Then he's after me as well?" Draco surmised, turning green.

"It seems likely," Severus said.

"I must tell my mother and father," Draco said.

"Request they come here. As immediately as they can," Minerva said firmly, "Can you send a patronus?"

Draco looked at her, "I... never learned. Can't I just owl?"

"No," Severus said, "It is not secure. I will do it. Let us return to my rooms."

"If the rest of you would please stay... We have much to discuss," She eyed Severus carefully and he shifted uncomfortably under the knowledge that he was to be discussed like some defenseless schoolboy.

Draco and Hermione followed Severus to his quarters and, once inside, Severus pulled his wand out from his coat.

"That man... He got inside?"

"A werewolf," Severus said.

Draco's brow furrowed, "Greyback?"

"Potentially. Or a lackey," Severus said, "He entered the grounds in wolf form."

Draco nodded, "We must let my mother and father know."

"Expecto Patronum!" Severus said firmly. Wisps of white flowed from the tip of his wand, but nothing formed. He stared in confusion at his wand.

Hermione looked at him, "Severus?"

Draco was confused and worried, "You've done this before. They said that," He nodded to Hermione, "In the courtyard. To the Dark Lord. Said it's a doe. Why isn't it working?" _What is happening..._

"I..." Severus said. He refocused and tried again, "Expecto Patronum!" White wisps. Nothing corporeal. Not even anything noncorporeal. _I have lost my magic again._

Hermione touched her hand to his wand, "I'll get it. Unless your parents won't take kindly to a patronus from someone like me," Hermione scowled. She would always be distrustful of Draco.

"My parents, mostly my father, have had to reconsider many things over the last month," He said, "Blood status being one of them. He'll always be an arsehole. Arrogant. With his nose in the air, but he won't ignore your invitation."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Expecto Patronum!" A beautifully playful otter appeared and circled about her, "Draco, speak to her."

Draco told his parents to come to the school immediately, to the Headmistress' office, and when he was done speaking, Hermione told the otter, "Take the message to Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. Go, my friend."

The otter seemed to smile and disappeared from the room.

"Why didn't it work?" He looked at Hermione.

"I don't know, Severus. You've had a lot of trauma recently. Perhaps, you just need time to recover,". Hermione said and she put her hand on his back.

"I will wait for my parents with Professor McGonagall," Draco said, looking between the two and assessing they needed privacy, and left them alone. The door shut behind him.

"Why didn't it work?" Severus asked again. There was a childlike fear in his voice.

"I don't know, love," Hermione said as she held him tightly.

 _Why didn't it work, Hermione? Why didn't it work?_


	36. Chapter 36

Severus stared at his wand with a feeling of distrust in his stomach. _Why didn't it work?_ He moved away from Hermione, and sat on the couch.

"We are safe here, right?" Hermione asked with a painful uncertainty in her voice.

"Now," He said, "More safe than ever. The wards Minerva put up around the castle the will prove quite... annoying, though necessary. No one will be able to come on to castle grounds without her express approval. No magical creature will be able to cross the boundary."

His jaw was flexing and she looked at him as his dark eyes moved over the floor. His thumb was rubbing the handle of his wand anxiously.

"Severus, don't worry," She sat next to him, "You can cast one. I know you can."

 _Maybe it's the memory._ The one he had previously used was one with Lily, when they were children, when she had called him her best friend for the first time. _It feels hollow._

"Is it the memory?" She voiced his thought.

"Perhaps," He said, "By habit, my memory is one with Lily. It is the one I have used each time since I was first able to produce a patronus. I have not tried to cast one since my conversation with her until today," He explained, "My heart might have moved faster than my mind in this regard. I have not actively sat down and ranked my memories from happiest to unhappiest..." He frowned, worried he'd upset her, "I have been working on her, Hermione. Every day. I swear it."

"I know, Severus," She touched his cheek, "I don't doubt you." _Please don't doubt me._

He tried a different one: his first kiss with Hermione, "Expecto Patronum!"

Some more white wisps. Another memory. _Stronger._

 _The Three Broomsticks. Her smile. Her attention on him and only him. Her hand on his knee. Normal. Happy. Comfortable. Happy. Happy._

The memory filled his chest, and he could feel the happiness creep down his fingertips. He adjusted in his seat so he could look at her face. _I love you._

"Are you okay?" Her eyes were filled with worry.

He gave her a half-smile, "I am worried I have hurt you."

She said, "Close your eyes," He obeyed, "Focus on the new memory. Let it fill you up," It didn't take much. It was already there. Her hand was on his knee again, like it had been in the memory, "Ready?"

"Yes," He whispered.

"One... two... Three!"

"Expecto Patronum!" They both said at once.

Severus kept his eyes closed for fear of being disappointed again. When she gasped, he winced.

"Severus... What... Is that a..."

He opened his dark eyes and his mouth fell open, "That... That is not a doe." _What the fuck?_

"No. No. Definitely not," She said.

"That's a..." He narrowed his eyes, "That's a wolverine."

They watched quietly for a moment as her otter timidly moved closer to his patronus. It was a frightening beast to behold, but it made no qualms as the otter grew closer and closer. Finally, it reached the wolverine and sniffed it. The wolverine stared at the otter, then laid down, and the otter cuddled up under its paw.

"How sweet!" Hermione said. _Sweet? Have you ever read anything about wolverines?_

"Why did it change?" Severus asked.

"Strange, isn't it? What comes from within," She put her hand on his thigh.

His jaw twitched, but he didn't say anything, "At least this is more masculine," He said quietly.

She giggled and summoned a book as he watched the corporeal beasts lay together. _That thing is frightening._ Long claws and large, thick, sharp teeth and about as large as a well-sized dog.

"A wolverine is a rare corporeal patronus, but the symbolism behind the animal is well-studied. The wolverine is the wicked-tempered renegade of the animal kingdom," He could hear her smirk as he studied the creature in front of him, "Ferocious, determined, intelligent, and uncompromising in nature, the wolverine patronus reflects the power, resourcefulness, and courage within the caster. A wolverine does not back down or surrender, and maintains a fierce presence that is often so intimidating that it does not need to frequently fight. A wolverine will aggressively defend its loved one to the death. In the wild, wolverines are unconventional and will do what is necessary to survive, and they can also be surprisingly needy, appearing big and bad but finding themselves incapable of dealing with sadness or loneliness. They often mate for life. Wolverines can have famously fragile egos, and are easily offended," She snorted.

"I do not find that amusing," He said.

"Of course you don't. You've got a famously fragile ego," She laughed. _Witch._

He stared at the animal in front of him and it met his gaze. He could feel the bond with it, the animal put his head down over the otter protectively. _How interesting..._

Hermione made a small gasp again and said quietly, "They're in the same family as otters. It's..."

"Patronus incest?" He drawled.

"Ugh, Severus," She huffed and then said, "They're complementary. It's... soul-magic."

His eyes narrowed at the animals as they slept, "How romantic."

"Someone's grumpy," She frowned.

"I think that it fits better than the other," He mused.

"Than the doe? Oh, yeah!"

"Why do you have a book on patronus symbolism?" He asked.

"I find things like this interesting." _Of course you do._

"And yours? The otter? You've just dissected mine quite thoroughly. Out with it," He smirked.

He could hear her flipping through the pages. _Soul-magic?_

"An otter is a semi-rare corporeal patronus. Otters are playful, curious, and fearless creatures. Often associated with femininity, otters are nurturing, friendly, and attentive. An otter patronus reveals the inner beauty, the love of family and children, and intuition of the caster. It also showcases the general good-natured adaptability of the witch or wizard who conjures it. While fierce independence is necessary in the wild, otters are unfailingly loyal and will protect their family. They also often fall asleep holding their hands together so that no otter gets separated from the rest," She said and he smiled, "An otter is graceful, joyful, open to love, and possesses a deep gratitude for life."

"Complementary?" He asked.

"I believe so," She said academically.

"Soul-magic?" He asked.

"I would bet my life."

"I much prefer this one," Severus said quietly.

"Yeah?" She asked as she studied the page.

"Yes," He said as he turned to her. The wispy animals disappeared as their eyes met.

"Why do you look sad?"

"I am... It feels..." His eyes searched her face as he struggled to put words on his thoughts and feelings, "It feels... Like freedom."

Her eyes filled with tears and she wrapped her arms around him, careful not to press too hard against his shoulder.

 _It feels like freedom._


	37. Chapter 37

"You have your medal?" She asked curiously.

He nodded and pulled it from his coat pocket. She took it from him, pulled hers from her robe, and then suspended them on the wall above the fireplace on either side of a giant Gryffindor crest.

"I am proud to know you and love you," She said softly.

"As am I," He said. _I love you._

She stretched her arms over her head and then stood.

"I'm going to go wash my face," She said, "I've cried far too much today. I'll do that, and then we can go down to dinner?"

He looked at her briefly and then nodded. _That hurt significantly less than usual_. She disappeared into the bathroom and he reached for his wand in his lap. It slipped through his fingers not once, not twice, but three times, and then it fell to the floor. _What the..._

He leaned over gingerly to pick up his wand and he froze when he saw his hand. It was shaking badly. He could feel the hand in the sling vibrating against his chest as well. Panic rose in his throat. He heard the sink turn off and he frantically struggled to pick up his wand, but his shaking fingers made the task immensely difficult. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

He gripped his wand tightly in his fist and shoved his hand into his pocket with his wand while simultaneously squeezing his left hand into the tightest fist he could possibly make as the bathroom door opened.

"What are you doing?" Hermione looked at him as he struggled to remain passive.

"Waiting," He said coolly.

She narrowed her eyes and clearly didn't believe him, but sighed and said, "Let's go then."

 _What is that? Why is it showing up a month after the injury? What does it mean? I won't ever be able to brew again, or trust myself with magic..._

His internal worries were soon interrupted as they walked into the Great Hall and Harry approached them.

"The Malfoy's are on their way. McGonagall has allowed them entry into the wards," His green eyes flickered. _There is a hate that will never die completely between Potter and Lucius. I cannot blame him at all._

"Have you eaten yet, Harry?" Hermione changed the subject.

"No, I've just got down here," He said looking out over the thinning crowd.

They sat at the end of one of the long tables and food appeared in front of them. Severus pulled his right hand from his pocket and set it against his thigh for a moment to see if it was still trembling. It wasn't. _Thank Merlin._

He picked at his food hopelessly and, occasionally, managed to swallow bits of food. His mind was racing. Someone was after him, after her. He couldn't fully use a quarter of his limbs. Now, his hands presented an entirely new issue and worry. _Perhaps it is a one time thing._

He did not wish to burden Hermione with this. She had far too much to concern herself with and, quite frankly, she deserved less stress and worry. A strange hush washed over the hall.

"I think Malfoy wants you, Snape," Harry's voice was cold.

Snape's eyes flashed to the giant entryway and met the pale eyes of Lucius Malfoy. He stood and walked toward the older man. There were hushed whispers. People were appalled that Malfoy was there, and that Snape was going to speak to him.

Severus looked at Lucius as he passed him, "We must speak privately."

Lucius raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. He followed Severus to his rooms. Once there, Snape warded the door, and Lucius' eyes wandered over the living space, a faint scowl on his face.

The pale eyes settled on the Order of Merlin awards - his and Hermione's - hung on the wall above the hearth flanking a Hogwarts crest, "How..." Lucius clicked his tongue, "Romantically heroic."

Severus rolled his eyes, "Did Minerva show you the memory?"

"Yes," Lucius said coolly, "I do not recognize the man either."

Severus sighed, "You're not safe at Malfoy Manor, Lucius."

Lucius flinched and his facade dropped. and Severus looked at him carefully. He could see the brokenness of Lucius' spirit and mind. Lucius swallowed uncomfortably under Severus' dark gaze, "Yes. The Headmistress believes we should stay close to Hogwarts. She even suggested we stay here."

"I am sure that was exceedingly painful for her," Severus said plainly, and Lucius' face cracked into a small smirk.

"I do not want to stay here," Lucius said with finality, "I do not want to be here again. Ever."

Severus met his bloodshot eyes and Lucius spoke again, "And I am surprised you would want to be here. Of all people."

"Despite... Everything..." Severus said softly, "This is the only place I have ever felt at home."

Lucius looked at him and his brow contracted, and then realizing Severus did not have the childhood he had, his face relaxed, "I see."

"Where will you go, Lucius?" Severus asked. Despite having met regularly over the course of the last year, Severus had not truly spoken to Lucius in a very long time.

"We have a property quite close to the school grounds. The Headmistress offered to extend the wards to that property."

Severus took a deep breath, "Yes, that would probably be safest."

"You're sure about this, Severus?" Lucius asked and Snape looked at him in confusion. When he followed Lucius' eyes, he landed on Hermione's name on her award.

"Quite," He said lowly.

"You saved her, didn't you? That day at my home," Lucius' eyes didn't stray from the engraved name on the medal, "You knew where she was the whole time, yet you allowed yourself to suffer the Cruciatus under the guise of failure."

"Yes," Severus said.

"Why?" Lucius asked curiously, "If you had been found out..."

"Because I love her," Severus answered firmly, "And I do not believe for a moment that you would not have done the same for Narcissa or Draco."

"Before the war, yes. Now, yes. Then..." Lucius' face darkened, "I am a coward, Severus. A broken coward."

"I've never known cowards to call themselves out," Severus said. _Though I cannot say I disagree._

"Narcissa is the better part of me. I do not know that she even loves me anymore, yet she stays," Lucius said sadly.

"Your wife loves her family - her husband and her son. That was always her only allegiance," Severus said. _That much I know for certain._

"She never took the Mark, you know?" Lucius said, "She never said a word against any of it. Went along with all of it. She was raised the same way I was - magic over muggles. She kept us moving when I was..." He stopped and then continued, "She believes what we were raised to believe, but I think that motherhood... I think our son... She has changed so much, and I have changed so little."

"You could not change until you had been broken," Severus said, "Now, you have a world of opportunities before you." _Don't waste them, fool._

"So it would seem," Lucius said evenly, "Yet we will always be hunted like animals."

"Yes," Severus shuddered. _Can you blame them?_

"You're sure about this girl, Severus?" He asked again.

Severus narrowed his eyes at Lucius and Lucius continued, "She's a..."

"Don't!" Severus snapped, "Don't call her that," His black eyes glittered dangerously.

Lucius jumped, "I was merely going to say Gryffindor, Severus. Draco had warned me you'd likely kill me if I said anything else. Besides... I know what Bellatrix did... To her arm," Lucius shivered as Severus looked at him.

"I am sure about Hermione," Severus said.

"You have always had a thing for..." Lucius looked at him, "Gryffindors."

Severus' mouth barely moved, "Indeed."

"Though this one seems more tame. The other... She was reckless. Wild," Lucius mused.

"Hermione punched your son in the face at 13-years-old. She is no fairy princess," Severus smirked.

"Did she really?" Lucius' eyebrows nearly disappeared into his hairline.

"Oh, yes," Severus said.

"You..." Lucius looked at him and struggled to find the words, "You did all of this... What you've done... You did it all... in one way or another...For love?"

 _No, but it's far easier to say yes than to explain it to you._ Severus looked at him and his dark eyes flickered, "Yes."

Lucius smirked, "You are a mysterious man. I would have thought you the one with the least capacity to love, but it seems you had the greatest capacity."

Severus said nothing, and his eyes moved to the wall.

"You will, I think, be a better husband and father than I ever was," Lucius admitted.

"There is yet time," Severus said.

"For?"

"For you," Severus said confidently as his mind reeled over Lucius' words, "Tea?"

Lucius nodded as he stared at the medals on the wall. Severus moves to the kitchen. His wand tapped the tea kettle once, and he reached for the tea cups in the cabinet. It fell and shattered across the counter. When he looked down, his hand was shaking uncontrollably again.

Lucius appeared beside him, "Tremors? How long?" The alarm in his voice added to Severus' anxiety.

"I only noticed them today."

Lucius waved his wand and the teacup reassembled itself, "You didn't have them before?"

Severus looked at him, "No?"

"I did. After my imprisonment...It's the Cruciatus," He said, "A long-term side effect, and mine is coupled with my experiences with the dementors..."

"Does it go away?"

Lucius frowned, "It has not yet. There are Potions you can take. Yours is probably different. The venom..."

"Why now?" Severus said, "I suffered that curse for years. Why did it take until now for this kind of side effect to surface?"

"The Healer I spoke with said that each witch or wizard responds differently. Some have tremors after they experience that curse for the first time. Some take more than one experience. Eventually, the Cruciatus wins," Lucius said quietly, "They all had it. The Death Eaters. You never noticed?"

"I tried not to notice any of them," Severus grumbled.

 _I am broken._


	38. Chapter 38

Lucius went to rejoin his wife and son in Minerva's office and that left Severus alone in his rooms. He wasn't sure how to best approach Hermione about the tremors in his hands.

 _I don't want to worry her. I don't want to be worried._

He touched his wand to his sling and it disappeared, along with his coat. The white dress shirt was loose fitting on his skin. He rolled his shoulders and found that his shoulder hurt significantly less. It's been a month since the injury. It should be improving significantly over the next couple of weeks. _Progress._

He focused hard and lifted his arm laterally. He was able to get his arm halfway from his hip. Severus dropped his hand and then lifted his hand straight out in front of him. This hurt significantly more, and he dropped his hand because of the pain. He stretched his neck in all directions as far as he could. It was a relief that he had more mobility in his neck and head. _Progress._

Hermione walked through the door calling out, "Severus?"

He turned to look at her. Her eyes went up and down the length of his body, and he felt self conscious, though she had seen him dressed down far more, and naked many times. _She always makes me flush._

"Are you okay?" She asked concerned, "You didn't come back for dinner. I saw Lucius leave with Narcissa and Draco."

 _Tell her. Tell her. Tell her._ "I am okay, Hermione," He said, "Just a long day."

"That's for certain," She sighed and walked up to him. Her arounds were around him in an instant and he breathed in the scent of her.

She pulled away all too soo and he watched as her clothes transfigured into flannel pajama pants, wool socks, and sweatshirt.

He smiled at her, "Beautiful."

"Rubbish, Severus," She rolled her eyes.

She pointed her wand at him to transfigure his clothing and he raised his hands in the air, showing off his mobility. Her mouth dropped open.

"Severus!"

He spoke, "It isn't much, but it's something."

"That's a lot compared to sitting limp in a sling!" She grinned. She flicked her wrist and his day clothes were gone. He stood before her in dark gray nearly black pajama pants and a black T-shirt.

She smiled at him coyly and then moved to the kitchen. She touched her wand to the tea kettle and got out two cups. Unlike he had earlier, she did not shatter one. _I am broken._

"You know..." She said thoughtfully as she handed him a cup of tea as they sat down on the couch. The warm tea slid down his throat as she continued her thought, "I'd quite like to have a baby."

He coughed hard and some of the tea came flying out of his mouth quite unceremoniously. _What the bloody hell is with everyone and this obsession with children?!_

He spoke, "Hermione..." he adjusted himself to face her completely and he studied her face for a moment and then sighed, "Wouldn't you like to, perhaps, finish school first? Get married?"

She narrowed her eyes, "Yes, of course."

"What are you..." His mouth dropped open a bit, "You're not..." _Mercy._

"No, I'm not pregnant!" She said, and when he sighed a huge sigh of relief she scowled, "Is it that relieving?" _Oh, my..._

"No, woman, calm down," He said, "I just... I don't understand where this is coming from."

"Harry's going to propose to Ginny soon," Hermione said.

"Ginerva is pregnant?"

"No!" She said in exasperation.

"Then..."

"Ron won't be far behind. Hell, I'm sure Draco will marry Astoria soon enough."

"Draco is dating Astoria Greengrass?" He raised his eyebrow.

"Yes. He has been for awhile. Don't you pay attention to any of your students?"

"Considering most of their 'relationships' last, on average, three days, no. I don't," He drawled.

"Well, I just thought it might be nice to talk about what we want to do."

"We?" He asked.

"Yes, we, you insufferable man," She said, "You've already said you wanted to marry me."

"Yes," He said, "So you decided to approach this conversation with an 'impregnate me' approach, rather than 'After we marry...'"

"I was merely modeling my approach after your proposal."

"I did not propose!" He rolled his eyes. _Bloody hell. I did, didn't I?_

"You very well did. You said 'Marry me!'"

"Yes, well, you know very well that's not what I was intending to say."

"Well, you still said it."

His eyes glittered, "And, if I recall, your answer was 'what the bloody hell are you playing at?'"

She smirked, "Yes, well, you weren't proposing were you?" She huffed, "So you do want to marry me?"

"Yes," He said seriously, "But what does this have to do with Potter, or Weasley, or Malfoy?"

"I'd like to marry you, too." There was something the way that she said it that caught him off guard.

"You..." He stumbled for words. _Hermione._

"When would you like to marry?"

He was completely dumbfounded, "Hermione... Can we please slow down? I'm... confused."

"Yes, yes. Sorry. I was overly excited to have this conversation with you. It's a pretty normal conversation to have and I..." She blushed, "Harry was talking about it. About proposing. Having children. He asked about what our thoughts were as we looked to the future, so I was... Just thinking. I'd never considered having a baby in any real capacity before, and we'd already talked about how we would like to marry."

"I understand," He said as he looked at her.

"I was... just wondering what you thought of the timeframes for things."

"Hermione," He said softly as he tried to calm his racing heart, "I have... I have done the things that I would have wanted to do before... settling down. I want... I want very much for you to do the things you wish to do before all of that as well."

She looked at him and pondered his statement, "I do want to finish school. That wasn't meant to sound like it was something I'd compromise. I'd quite like to get married when I finish school. I want to get a teaching position here."

"I do not want you to rush. I would marry you this very second, but I also would wait 100 years."

"I don't think we'd be rushing. I want to get married with my friends, have kids with my friends. I've always wanted that... You... want children?" She asked tentatively.

"To be honest, I have not considered it much other than theoretically, but I can think of no greater honor than sharing a child with you," He looked deeply into her eyes and she smiled from ear to ear.

"I want our children to grow up with my friends' children."

Severus rolled his eyes, "You want to put our child among Weasley and Potter halfbreeds?"

She slapped his leg playfully, "Oh, stop."

"You're very young, Hermione," A tone of doubt crept into his voice.

"Stop," She frowned, "Don't do that. Don't try to talk me out of my choice in you. I want you. I want to marry you. You were at my side throughout a bloody war, Severus. The things I see in you... the things I've seen in you... There is no one else for me to spend my life with."

He swallowed the knot of emotion in his throat, "People are after me, after you. It won't ever stop, Hermione... The idea that someone could take you from me, that someone could try... Hermione," He said through gritted teeth, "I should not be what you want."

"What I want is what I've said - finish school, teach, have you as my husband and the father of my children," She smiled a bit smugly, "My desires aren't in question here."

He looked confused and a little offended and she said, "You've spent your whole life doing what someone else tells you to do... Not necessarily what you want to do."

He flinched at the harsh reality of the words and looked away.

"What do you want, Severus?"

"I want you," He said quickly, "I want to make you happy. I'd do anything to make you happy. I..." He hesitated for a moment and then he looked at her with an intense confidence she had not seen in him before, "I want you as my wife and partner all the days of my life. I want to have children with you," A dangerous glitter appeared in his eyes, "I even want to raise them as wolves amongst the ginger-haired heathen sheep children," He said and smirked.

"You're an arse," She snorted a laugh at him.

He reached out to touch her face and she noticed, and he noticed, that his hand was shaking quite terribly.

"Severus?" She asked. Her honey eyes fill with concern.

The worry in her voice undid him and the tears raced to his eyes. The reality that he would never be a husband who was whole, that he would always have some sort of limitation, and the knowledge that she deserved better hit him like a train running at full speed. He couldn't be trusted to hold a teacup, let alone a child.

"I'm so sorry," He sobbed as she held his hand in hers.

 _I am so, so sorry._


	39. Chapter 39

"How long as this been going on?" She asked as she squeezed his hand into hers as it shook.

"I've..." He closed his eyes, "Today."

"How many times?"

"This is three." _Fuck._

Hermione turned and sent her patronus to Madam Pomfrey.

"It's okay, Severus. It's okay. It's okay," She cooed.

"I won't be able to brew. Or teach magic. I won't be able to hold a baby," He said as another sob tore through him, "You deserve more. Better. Everything's damaged in me."

"Severus, you know very well that I have scars too," She said, "Mental... Physical..."

She looked at him as the grief twisted his face in a way that shattered her heart into a million pieces. _Hermione._

"Please. Don't," He said between breaths.

"Don't what?"

He looked at her and struggled with what it was he was about to say, "Please don't leave me." _Don't leave._

The room feel completely silent as the weight of his vulnerability washed over her. All of his fear. His anxiety. His loneliness. His brokenness. This was Snape - the indomitable Potions Master. How lucky she is to see Severus, not Snape. How much he must trust her. He whimpered at her silence, and she wrapped her arms around him, "I will never leave you. Ever. You foolish man."

"I'm sorry," He cried into her neck.

"This isn't your fault, Severus," She assured and pulled back to look in his eyes, "War comes at a high cost. We should count our blessings that this is one of the things you and I face together. I could have... easily been facing the world alone," She swallowed had.

There was a knock at the door and Severus ran his hand down his face quickly as Hermione said, "Come in."

Madam Pomfrey rushed around the front of the couch and summoned a stool to sit in front of Snape, "Severus," She said as she looked at his red and watery eyes, "Whatever is the matter?"

Hermione let go of his hand, tapped his sling and it disappeared, and Pomfrey's eyes fell to his shaking hands. Poppy's face fell, "The Cruciatus Curse..."

Severus winced, but remained silent as the medi-witch examined his hands. She asked, "Does it hurt?"

He said, "I do not realize it's happening at first. Then, it feels like pins and needles. It gets worse as it goes on..."

She said, "That nasty snake's venom wasn't kind to your nerves either..." She looked at his left hand and noticed that his ring finger and pinky finger were contracted and curled in toward his palm. She pointed her wand at his left shoulder, magicked his shirt away, and then dragged her wand across from his right shoulder to his left.

He looked down at his arms and he could see every one of his nerves. She was testing how many of the synapses were firing. Blue lights streaked down his arms. In both hands, there were less lights reaching his fingertips. On his left hand, though, near his pinky and ring finger, there were only two or three lights reaching the tips of those fingers. _Nagini._

"My understanding of these tremors is that your nerves will recover almost completely over time, but the possibility of the tremors happening again during times of stress remains - emotional or mental stress, physical stress, times where you've used a lot of magic in a day or significantly powerful magic. We can treat and manage the tremors," She said and then looked at his left hand, "I can't do anything about this... I'm not sure that anyone can, Severus. I'll speak with your healer at St. Mungo's about how we should best approach this situation," Her eyes met his, "I'm sorry, Severus. You, of all people, deserve to live in peace."

He looked away from her quickly and nodded his head. She disappeared from his rooms and he buried his face in his hands. The slumped posture of the position pulled at his scarring, but he didn't care. His hands were trembling, but far less than a few minutes ago. He spat angrily, "Fuck!"

"It's okay, Severus."

"No, it bloody well isn't," He snapped. _Fuck._

Hermione moved closer to him and her nails ran comforting circles on his bare back. He subconsciously arched into her touch, "I love you," She said as she kissed his shoulder gently. _Oh, God._

She could see the goosebumps speckle his skin as he fought to control his breathing. She touched her teeth to his skin and he shuddered, "Hermione..." His tone was a warning she hadn't heard before.

He was angry. Frustrated. Not with her. Not at all with her. She flicked her tongue against his shoulder and he growled. Sitting back, he looked at her, "I don't know that we should..."

"Why not?" Her hand was on his inner thigh and she squeezed.

"My mood," He looked at her hand, "I don't... I don't feel as if I'm in control."

"So?"

"I don't want to be too rough," He said through his teeth as he surged in his pants. _Fuckkkk._

"Sex is supposed to be a fantastic stress relief. Might help to take out some of the frustrations with me. Take them out ... Hard," Her hand slid up his leg. _Christ, Hermione._

"I've..." He shivered, "Hermione..."

"You can't possibly think so little of yourself that you think you'd hurt me?" She removed her hand.

"No. I don't. No. Please don't," He said, "There's... Don't stop."

Her hand went between his legs and gripped him hard, "You'd better fuck me, Severus. Hard."

His eyes went wide at her vulgarity and he growled, and then he moved quickly and settled behind her on the couch. Severus yanked her pants down and touched his fingers to her sex, "Already, Hermione? Aren't we wanton?"

She looked at him over her shoulder coyly, "Oh, yes."

He pushed inside her hard and gave her no time to adjust. _So wet and tight._ His right fist was in her hair as he thrust. He was grunting with each thrust and his left hand squeezed on her hip. His skin slapped against hers and he moaned at the sensation and the noise.

"Oh, Severus," She cried out and arched her neck, "Fuck."

"Come for me, Hermione," He moved harder against her, deeper. He yanked her hair and said, "Look at me, witch."

Honey met obsidian and they both fell over the edge crying out hard and hot and heavy. He looked at the witch before him as she flipped over on her back and smiled at him, "Good god, Hermione. You are exquisite."

"Feel better?" She asked with a hint of "I-told-you-so" in her voice.

"Much," He took a deep breath and then said quietly, "You..."

She narrowed her eyes as he wrestled with his emotions.

"You are..." He fumbled again. _My best friend._

She arched an eyebrow, and he struggled again, but resigned and said, "I love you, Hermione."

"I love you," She giggled.

 _You are my best friend._


	40. Chapter 40

Severus watched her as she tied her curly hair back. _So beautiful._

"I want to check on my parents," She said after she was quiet and still for a moment.

He stiffened, "They are in Australia."

"Yes," She said, "I want to check on them..." Her bottom lip trembled, "I... miss them," She wiped a tear that fell from her eyes, "I don't know that I'll ever be able to restore their memory, but I want to..."

He considered her words, "I am sorry, Hermione."

"Do you think they'd be safe if I restored their memories?"

"I do not know that they would be any more or less safe with memories," He said seriously.

"Maybe they could stay in Australia, but I could restore their memories?" She asked.

"That is, of course, your decision to make."

She said, "I will go check on them this week."

He tensed up and said, "I can't go with you, Hermione... I can't travel that far. I can't... People are out there looking for us..."

She looked at his face and she could see the anxiety he felt, "I'll take someone with me."

"Who?"

"Who would make you feel the most at ease?"

"No one," He growled, "This is your life we're talking about."

"Harry?"

Severus glared at her, "The boy has mastered two spells in six years of magical education, Hermione."

"But he's really good at them," She said with a smirk, "And he would die for me, Severus."

He studied her face for a minute. _He would. He would die for her. He has protected her more actively than I have._

"I would feel more comfortable if it were more than just the two of you," He said.

"Seriously?" The snap in her tone caused him to recoil, "don't trust me?"

He rolled his eyes, "I do trust you. I also happen to trust the strength in numbers theory."

"Oh. Sorry," She said, "I'll ask Ron and Ginny to come along. Lavender will probably come then, too," She frowned.

"What?" He asked.

"I'd be the fifth wheel," She said.

"Wheel?"

"It's basically a triple date, but I'll have no partner. And we're going for me... and it's... my parents..."

He narrowed his eyes, "I will come."

"You can't, Severus. You'll splinch yourself."

"You want me there."

"Yes, of course I do. But you can't... Floo would take forever and would be exceedingly painful for you, and international apparition would surely splinch your arm off."

He was silent, but his jaw was twitching and she could tell he was wrestling with the idea of sitting on the sidelines.

"I don't want you to go without me," He said softly.

"I don't want to go without you either," She said and started crying, "Will our communicate methods even work if I'm on another continent?"

"I do not know," He said and snapped his fingers. His ring appeared in his hand, "But I did get this."

"You found it? Then... you went to the Shack. You went in the Shack?"

"Yes. But that matters not. We will at least have these," He slipped his ring onto his right hand.

He could tell she didn't want to let the topic of the Shrieking Shack go, but she sighed and said, "I'll speak with Harry, with everyone, tomorrow about going to Australia."

He nodded once and set his jaw. It would be agony to let her go out into the world knowing that she was being hunted and that she was being hunted mostly because of her relationship with him.

"It will be okay, Severus. We'll be in a group. We'll stay together. Harry, Ron, and I spent a year hiding out together."

"Your hiding was not altogether successfully executed," He said lowly.

She rolled her eyes, "It will be fine, Severus. We'll be okay."

"I am uncertain if you are trying to convince me or you of that," His voice was a low rumble.

"I want to restore their memories. I want them to meet you. I want them to be able to see their grandchildren should we be able," She said. The sadness in her tone was crushing.

"So you should," He said, "Though I doubt very much I'll be their idea of a match for their daughter."

"They're muggles, Severus. They don't know you like this world does. They only know what I've said."

"Oh, lovely," He sneered, "So they've got six years knowledge worth of me bullying you as a student."

"They know I am quite fond of you, that you were a strict and good teacher, that you take care of your students, that you were protecting Harry, and that you are a good man."

His dark eyes were focused on hers, "I am sorry for how I treated you as a girl."

She shrugged, "You weren't nice or fair, but it was a long time ago."

He grimaced, "I owe Longbottom a lengthy apology."

"Oh, yes, I'm afraid you do, Severus," She said, "Why did you pick on him so much?"

He considered his word choice carefully, "Had the Dark Lord chosen him, Lily could have still been alive. That was... my thought process," he winced when he saw the disgust on her face, "I was selfish and shortsighted."

She chewed the inside of her cheek, "He's still terrified of you."

Severus raised an eyebrow, "He didn't appear to be when I saw him last."

"He is, Severus. You should apologize. He was just a boy. He has his own trauma, as we all do, but it is in everyone's best interest if we seek to right our wrongs and minimize the trauma we inflict upon other people while we can."

He ground his teeth together. _She's right. She's always right._

"His boggart is probably still you," She quipped.

"Well, then he can continue on dressing me in his grandmother's clothes," Severus said dryly.

"You deserved that, Severus."

He scowled, "Be that as it may... The staff never left me alone about that afterward."

She chuckled lightly and then her face sobered, "I really do miss my parents, Severus."

 _I know, love. I know._


	41. Chapter 41

Harry Potter sat on the couch in Severus' living quarters the following afternoon while Hermione explained what she wanted to do. Severus sat nearly perfectly still and remained silent throughout the conversation.

"Why is he so quiet, Hermione?" Harry asked as he looked at Severus, who stared straight at the floor.

"He can't go."

"What? Why?" He asked dumbfounded.

"He's... Not able to apparate," She said, "When we used the Floo to Hogwarts, it was quite painful, and international Floo would require multiple separate Floos. Portkey would be more unpleasant."

"Well, we could fly?" Harry said.

Severus' eyes fixated on Harry and Hermione said, "You want us to fly on a broom from Scotland to Australia?"

"No, I mean fly. Like the muggles. On an airplane," He suggested.

"Yes," Severus hissed, "On average, a muggle flight from Scotland to Australia takes 20 hours. As pleasant as that seems in itself, the fact that we would be taking six of the biggest celebrity names from this God forsaken war on a plane where we'd be nothing but sitting ducks adds to the appeal. People want me dead, Potter. At this point, the remaining Death Eaters probably want my life more than yours."

Harry glared at him coldly, "I was just trying to suggest ways for you to be able to go."

"Much appreciated," Severus' eyes glittered. _Idiot._

"Severus, stop," Hermione snapped at him.

Severus' focused his eyes back on the floor. _Please don't go._

"When do you think you'd be able to accompany me?" She asked Potter

Harry looked from Severus to Hermione, "As soon as you'd like."

"Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?" Severus asked at the same time as Harry. _No._

Hermione's honey eyes burned into Severus', "I want to see my parents."

Severus scowled and looked away, and Harry said, "Yeah, we could do tomorrow. Of course, we just have to check in with Gin, Ron, and Lav, but their schedules are as open as mine," Harry said as his eyes raked over Severus.

"I would like that. I could come stay at the Burrow tonight, and we could leave first thing in the morning," Hermione said. _Fuck._

Severus glared at her, but said nothing, though Harry could tell that his silence had only come after great effort to restrain himself.

"Alright," Harry said with his eyes still on the stiff and silent man in the chair across from him, "How long are we staying?"

Hermione glanced sideways at Severus, "At most a week."

Severus winced, but he remained silent. _A week..._

"I'll pack some things," Hermione said lightly and walked from the room leaving behind a very nervous Harry Potter and a very tense Severus Snape.

"Muffilato," Snape hissed, "Potter."

Harry looked at him and flinched a little at the tone in his voice, "Look... You don't have to lecture me on protecting her. I've done that as well as I could have done for years."

Severus' jaw twitched, and he spoke, "Harry..."

Harry's eyes went wide at the shift in Snape's tone. It was softer, desperate, pleading, and a bit broken.

"Please, Harry," Severus said and folded his trembling hands together tightly. His obsidian eyes bored into Harry's, "Please. Keep her safe. Bring her home to me." _Please. Please._

Harry swallowed. He was caught off guard and disarmed by Snape's emotional transparency, "I'll keep her safe, Severus." He looked at Severus' hands.

"The Cruciatus Curse," Severus said and Harry flinched at the realization.

"I'm sorry, Severus. I'm so sorry," Harry's emotions threatened to overwhelm him and Severus shook his head.

"Please, keep her safe," He implored, "I... I need her." _Please._

Harry nodded and wiped his cheek, "I know. I know. I will."

Severus stood, canceled the Muffilato, and walked to the bedroom and closed the door behind him, "Hermione... If... If I didn't trust you, I'd fear you were too eager to leave me..."

She turned to look at him as she zipped up a bag, "I'm not leaving you, Severus," She grabbed his hand, "I will never leave you."

His eyes searched hers, "I..." _I need you._

Hermione smiled, "It's okay. I know you're scared. I'm anxious too. It will be okay, love."

He stared at her, his eyes swimming in emotion, "You must be careful."

She walked to him and wrapped her arms around his slender frame. The scents of mahogany and teakwood filled her nose as she pressed her face into his chest. He concentrated and then his sling disappeared. Slowly, carefully, painfully, his left arm found his way around her. They stood that way for a minute and, knowing Severus wouldn't, she pulled away.

 _Empty. Empty. Empty._

She stood up on her toes and pressed her lips against his, "I love you."

His eyes moved over her face as he tried to absorb every last detail, "I love you, too. You take my heart with you wherever you go, Hermione Granger."

She smiled at him, and grabbed her bag off the bed, "I will miss you, Sev."

He closed his eyes, "I already miss you."

He heard the bedroom door open and he followed her out of it. Potter was on his feet and reaching to carry her bag for her. _Good boy._

"You have everything you need?"

"Yes, I think so," She said thoughtfully, and then she turned to Severus, "I'll let you know when we get to the Burrow, and where we are in our travels."

He stared at her. He could feel his heart breaking into a thousand pieces knowing that she could be gone for at least a week. He ached all over.

"Please do," He said smoothly.

 _You have your ring?_

 **Yes.**

"I love you," She said quietly and Snape's eyes snapped to Harry, who flushed. His eyes moved back to Hermione as she pressed her lips to his cheek. She turned away from him, clearly not expecting reciprocation. Harry and Hermione moved through the door and out into the corridor.

 _I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. Please don't go._ Severus took two long strides and grabbed her wrist. She turned around and Harry looked at Snape as he put his hands on either side of Hermione's face and touched his lips to hers gently.

Hermione laughed against his mouth and pulled away, "All I've got to do for some public affection is leave?" _Please don't go._

His eyes blazed and Harry chuckled behind her, "Hermione, I love you."

Harry's eyes went wide, "Blimey, Snape! You're trying to make me fall over dead." _Fuck off, Potter._

Snape scowled at Harry and then looked at Hermione. His face softened a bit, and then he nodded once, "Be careful."

"We will," Hermione patted his chest.

She turned and walked with Harry down the hall. Harry was whispering to her and Severus, who had many years of teacher eavesdropping under his belt, listened carefully.

"He said 'I love you,' Hermione!"

"He says it pretty often actually," She said. Severus could tell by her tone that she knew that he was listening.

"And he kissed you goodbye!"

"He does that often too," She said.

"In front of me! I mean, I've seen it before, but not like that!"

"Yes, that part was a first," He could hear the smirk in her voice.

Severus' dark eyes stayed focused on her retreating form until they turned a corner and disappeared out of sight.

 _Come back to me. Come back to me. Come back to me._


	42. Chapter 42

He wasn't sure how long he stood in the corridor staring down the way she had left. A small cat patronus appeared before him. _Minerva._

"Severus, when you get a moment, come and have tea with me. We must discuss your employment."

Severus, for a moment, considered putting his arm back in its sling, but he ultimately decided not to, and he set off to meet Minerva.

When he arrived, she was drinking tea and quickly summoned him a cup, "Severus! Sit," She gestured to the chair across from her.

He obliged, and reached for the teacup, "Thank you. For this."

"How are you?" She asked.

"Recovering. I am getting more movement by the day," He said.

"Poppy told me of the tremors... Your healer should be here either tomorrow or the day after to check in with you about that."

Severus' dark eyes ran over the floor as she spoke, and Minerva asked, "How's Hermione?"

He stiffened and his jaw twitched. Minerva's eyes filled with worry, "What's wrong?"

He sighed, "She'll be leaving with Potter tomorrow to go to Australia. She wants to see if she can effectively restore her parents' memories."

Minerva frowned, "Memory charms can be quite difficult to reverse successfully..."

"I know that," He said quietly.

"Does she?"

He swallowed, "In theory, yes. I believe she does."

"But she is in denial of it?"

"I have... not had the heart to discuss it with her in that way."

"How long will she be gone?"

"She said a week at most," He had a tone of defeat in his voice.

"A week?" Minerva coughed, "How on Earth are you to survive a whole week without her? More importantly, how are the rest of us to survive YOU after you've been separated from her?"

She was trying to coax a smile out of him, but his face was creased with anxiety and he spoke softly, "I am quite pathetic now, am I not?" _I hate being needy._

She scoffed and waved her hand at him dismissively, "No. You're in love, Severus. There's nothing pathetic about that."

He kept his eyes focused on the floor and raised the cup to his lips, swallowed, and brought it back to his lap.

"Well..." Minerva said, "I have an idea for your employment here come start of term."

He looked at her and she continued, "I intend to make you deputy Headmaster, should you be agreeable to it. Horace has made his intention to stay clear, but he would like to give you back the Head of Slytherin House title. What I need most is a Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor."

His eyes widened and he paled a bit, "You'd... Me?"

She nodded, "I could think of no better Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher than one who defended these students against the Dark Arts, and very nearly gave his life in the process."

He swallowed. Twice. Hard, "I... I don't know that I'll be up to the task, Minerva. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally."

The admission was hard on him, and she could see his hands trembling, "You don't have to take it, Severus."

"I want to take it," He said, "I am... I'm not..." His emotions overwhelmed him and he was blinking rapidly. He clenched his hands into fists to lessen the shaking, "I'm not whole, Minerva."

"What?" Her brow furrowed.

"I'm... Look," He held up his shaking hands, "I can't... Magic...I'm... crippled," He winced as he said the word, "The subject last year... The students will have trauma. Real trauma. War trauma. Carrow trauma. Snape trauma."

"Nonsense, Severus," She said firmly, "The subject will be far more challenging now that so many of our students have had traumatic experiences, but they are survivors. I am of the mind that, because they are survivors, they need a survivor to teach them. You are human to them now, you are real, and you are traumatized. You are everything that they are. There is nothing that could foster more respect, and you will approach the subject with an academic tact that not many others could do. I'd be hard pressed to find a better candidate, Severus."

The dark eyes moved over her face, "You're... You... What of potential physical limitations?"

"We can schedule your classes differently this year. We could have your classes all on two days? Or we could have them every morning? Either way would give you plenty of time to continue your recovery."

He thought for a moment and then spoke, "I want a full day. I want a full day," He repeated - an attempt to convince himself of his capabilities - and continued, "Perhaps 1st, 2nd, and 3rd years on Mondays. 4th, 5th, and 6th years on Wednesday. NEWT level on Friday. I could have... A day, at least, between classes."

She smirked at him and raised her eyebrow, "Does this mean you are accepting my offer?"

"Yes, witch," He grumbled.

"You could at least feign gratefulness," She chided.

He looked at her in disbelief, "Minerva, I am more grateful for you than I could ever hope to express. Surely, you must know this."

She smiled and her eyes glistened a bit. The man did not wear his heart on his sleeve, but he was becoming more emotionally available, "It's still nice to hear it, Severus."

He regarded her carefully, and then nodded, "I am grateful... For this. For you. Your friendship has been... Invaluable."

"As has yours, Severus," She said, "Things are well with Hermione?"

He shifted nervously a bit in his seat, "Yes. I believe they are."

"You will marry her?" Her mothering tone showed itself.

"I intend to," He said seriously.

"Have you discussed when?"

"Must you always pry?" He rolled his eyes.

She laughed, "Come now, Severus, humor an old woman."

He sighed and said, "Yes. Briefly. Potentially next summer. She wants to marry and have children at the time when her friends are doing the same."

"What do YOU want?"

"Her. I don't care when. Or how."

She smiled, "Children, Severus? You?"

"It is as much of a surprise to me as it is to you," He shrugged and he did not wince, "She's... Changed... Everything."

"So it would seem," Minerva's smile broadened, "You will be a wonderful husband and father, Severus."

"I..." He struggled with his emotions, "I didn't have a good model, Minerva."

"You are not your father."

"I... Thank you."

"The Sorting Hat will surely have a fit when it's placed on your child's head."

"Oh, yes."

"Probably will be Gryffindor," Albus chimed in fromthe wall and Severus scowled.

Minerva rolled her eyes, "Lovely of you to join us, Albus."

Severus grimaced, and Minerva spoke again, "He does have a point though, Severus. You, and Hermione, are so very courageous and fiercely protective."

His face became stony, "I am no Gryffindor."

"You are no coward, Severus Snape. Sometimes, I think we sort too soon," Albus said seriously.

Severus looked stricken. How his life could have changed had he been sorted into scarlet and gold instead of silver and green.

"Horace would have words to say to you, Albus. Do not take his favorite Slytherin and try to make him Gryffindor."

Severus hadn't spoken, and Minerva studied his face, "Come, let's go and have a drink, Severus. We'll see if we can find the others on our way out."

Severus was silent, but he stood and followed Minerva out of the office and down the stairs.

 _'Sometimes, I think we sort too soon.'_


	43. Chapter 43

They walked about halfway down the corridor before Minerva stopped abruptly in front of him. He very nearly ran into her.

"Severus, don't let him get to you," She advised.

Severus said nothing, but his eyes were on the floor. Minerva sighed and said, "You are a Slytherin. Determined. Ambitious. Proud. Driven. Do not worry yourself over the old man's words. Horace was right, we'd all be honored to have you in any of our houses, but you...You are a good man, and Slytherin House is lucky to have you. Are you okay, lad?"

His eyes found their way to hers, "I am tired, Minerva. All the time."

"You will find more and more rest as you heal."

He didn't respond, but she continued walking. Within minutes, they'd rounded up the House Heads, "Hog's Head?" Horace suggested.

Severus paled. He had avoided the bar since he had heard the prophecy. Minerva had been watching Severus' face, and she frowned in concern.

"Severus?" She inquired, "You'd like to go somewhere else?"

 _Lily. Let go. Let go. Let go._ "No. Hog's Head is fine."

He followed them quietly until Pomona turned to him, "Where is your better half, Severus?"

"Visiting family," He said. _I miss her. I miss her. I miss her._

He could feel his anxiety building, and he was aware of his potential to spiral into darkness. The situation in front of him was one that held a lot weight. On the one hand, he could prove himself, and probably Hermione, wrong and successfully navigate his way through her absence. On the other hand, he could regress and turn in on himself. _One seems far more likely than the other._

When they crossed the barrier, Severus and the four other adults were much relieved that there were no photographers. Snape had a sinking feeling in his stomach that he couldn't shake. He hesitated outside of the bar, and Minerva waited on him while the others proceeded into Hog's Head without noticing his trepidation.

"I have not been here since I heard that prophecy."

"Severus, that was nearly 20 years ago..." She sounded incredibly shocked.

"Indeed," He said sharply as he stared at the door. _Go in. Go in. Go in. Let it go. Let it go. You must._

Severus reached for the handle, pushed on it, and the door swung open. He took a deep breath and walked across the threshold.

"Another slice of freedom, Severus," Minerva said quietly.

 _Yes. Yes._

Horace has already ordered a round of butterbeer for everyone and Severus sat next to his fellow Slytherin.

"I can't believe we've got Severus to come out with us at all!" Filius held up his glass in a toast, "To friends!"

Their glasses clanged and Severus brought his mug to his lips. The delightful taste of butterbeer did not calm his nerves. His eyes remained alert as they skirted about the room as the people around him talked. _Relax. Relax. Relax._

"You'll be taking my position as Slytherin Head, Severus?"

The sound of his name had brought his attention back to his table, "If that is your wish, Horace."

"Oh, I'm certain there's no better Slytherin for the job!" Horace was always so jovial. At times, it astounded Severus how unlike he was to so many other Slytherins. Oh, yes, he was prideful, achievement driven, and relished success, but the man had a good heart that he wore on his sleeve and he was so pleasant to be around.

"I received an owl from Neville Longbottom," Pomona said.

Minerva raised her eyebrow, "Oh, yes?"

The Hufflepuff nodded, "He is returning to school, and his intention is to sit for his NEWTs in both Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures."

Severus looked at Pomona, "The boy was not a menace in your class?"

"No, no. Not at all," She smiled. _Interesting._

"Consider yourself lucky," Severus said dryly.

"Oh, Severus, we know you near terrorized the poor boy. You were his boggart, for Merlin's sake," Filius joked.

Severus cringed. No matter how harmless the people seated around him were to him, teasing was something he was overly sensitive about. _It's friendly. Friendly. Friendly._

"Severus is surly to be sure," Minerva quipped and smirked at the younger wizard.

"I have no idea what you are blathering about, Minerva," Severus said coolly, "I am always pleasant and friendly."

The four people around him barked in laughter. Severus smiled slightly, as his spy eyes moved about the bar again. They settled on a blonde haired man sitting in the corner with his back to them.

Severus narrowed his eyes and studied the man. It couldn't be the same man? The hair was the color of moldy straw and it looked very oily. His was slender enough, but looked like he possessed the same type of wiry strength that Severus did. He still did not recognize the younger wizard, and he did not even have an inkling as to who the man could be. His stomach twisted. _It is._

"We are being watched," Severus said. His voice was low and dangerous. The people around him instinctively reached for their wands. Minerva put her hand on the table.

"Here!" She hissed as Severus watched a wand slid out of the man's sleeve.

"Duck!" He shouted just in time for Pomona to duck as a curse came flying over her head. Pomona, Filius, and Slughorn piled their hands onto Minerva's and her free hand grabbed Severus' frock coat, and she apparated them away from Hogsmeade and they landed on the stone steps right outside of Hogwarts. Pain tore through his arm.

As everyone around him brushed their coats and took deep shaky breaths, Severus collapsed to his knees. His scream was blood curdling and unlike anything anyone had ever heard come from his mouth. He clutched at his shoulder and the world began to fade to black.

 _Hermione..._


	44. Chapter 44

He had brief awareness of being levitated for a few minutes, and Severus could hear people fussing about near him as he struggled to maintain consciousness.

"If it were Polyjuice, it should wear off any time now," _Minerva._

"We've got him bound. We could get Veritaserum, Horace?" _Filius._

"Severus is awake! _" Hermione. Hermione. Hermione._ He felt her tiny hands around his and he squeezed. His dark eyes opened fully and blinked rapidly in the brightness of the hospital wing. His arm seared in pain.

He looked frantically at Poppy, "Splinched?"

"Not externally. There were some muscle tears internally, though, but they're already on the mend. You're very lucky. In fact, I think all of the tough and thick scar tissue helped you to keep your arm."

His eyes snapped to Minerva, "Why did you apparate us? Why didn't we fight?"

Her eyes searched his face, "Lad, I wanted you out of there. Filius had him bound and he and Horace immediately went back for him whilst Pomona and I brought you here."

"I can fight," He said. He was slightly irritated that he was being protected like a student. Moreover, he was frustrated because he was not sure how much he could effectively duel. _I'm weak._

Her eyes glistened, "I know... I know... But for once in your life, I wanted you to be protected before anything else was considered."

He stared at her, and moved his eyes to the bed. _She cares for me._ He squeezed Hermione's hand and looked at her, "You shouldn't be here. You're leaving early tomorrow."

"I..." She chewed her lip.

"Don't let me ruin it," He said quietly as the professors turned their attention away from him to the man who was bound and gagged on a bed a few places away from him, "Please."

"You've ruined nothing. I felt your... pain," She said and bit her lip, "I had to come."

"Poppy said I will be okay," He nodded at her, "We have him. Whoever he is. Please don't let me keep you here. I was trying so hard to succeed," His voice broke a little bit as she looked at him.

"I want to stay until Professor Slughorn interrogates him. I want to know who he is. Most importantly," She said and squeezed his slender fingered hand, "I want to know for certain that you are okay."

He blinked a couple times as he stared into her eyes, "I'm sorry."

"What on Earth are you apologizing for?"

He became suddenly self-conscious as his emotions threatened to overwhelm him. She narrowed her eyes as she saw his chest begin to rise and fall more rapidly and his eyes dilated in fear.

"Muffilato," She said under her breath, "Severus... Breathe. Breathe. You're on the verge of a panic attack. Breathe with me. You're okay. You're okay. You've done nothing wrong. Nothing," She assured him.

"I'm fucking fragile," He said, "Weak."

"No. No. You're very strong, Severus. Very strong. You're safe here. You're okay. I'm not upset at you for anything. I will still go to Australia. I know you will do well while we're apart. You're okay. You're not weak. You're not fragile."

He closed his eyes and focused on her voice. His heart rate and breathing rate slowed to a normal pace, "I missed you so much already," His voice was so quiet and broken.

"I missed you, too, Severus," She said, "Minerva told me about the job you'll be taking."

He shrugged his right shoulder and Hermione gave him a small smile, "It's not a trivial thing. I'm really happy for you, love."

"Please," He said and his eyes were begging her for something. _I need you._

She looked at him with confusion in her eyes, "What?"

He searched her face, as if he could find the words to clarify his plea in her freckles. When he couldn't find the words, he shook his head and looked away.

She canceled the Muffilato and held her hand out for him.

"Miss Granger, he really should rest," Poppy chided, "He shouldn't be up and about." _Piss off._

"Who's going to stop me?" Severus said coldly as he rose to his full height. Hermione's hand was protectively resting on his lower back, and he leaned into her in such a way that no one but the two of them noticed.

They walked slowly to the bed a few down from where Severus had been, and they stared at the man. His eyes were darting about quickly. He made eye contact with Snape, and Snape reached for his left arm. Pulling up the fabric, he found no Dark Mark on this man's arm. _Perhaps it is glamored?_ He waved his wand over the man's forearm, and nothing appeared. His brow furrowed in confusion and he narrowed his eyes.

"Who are you?" He moved his wand over the man's face. Horace uncorked a vial of Veritaserum.

"ALL TRAITORS AND MUDBLOODS MUST DIE!" The man growled furiously at Severus and Severus' arm instinctively moved Hermione behind him a bit. _Christ._

Horace made eye contact with him and Severus put his hand in the man's greasy yellow hair and yanked his head back so that his mouth fell open. Horace dripped Veritaserum in his mouth.

"Who. Are. You?" Severus asked again. His voice was venomous.

The man's face dropped to a deadpan, "Marrick Rollin."

Minerva spoke, "You did not attend this school, Mr. Rollin, yet you have a Scottish accent. Why did you not attend Hogwarts?"

The man's hazel eyes flashed bright yellow, "I'm a werewolf."

"So you were kept hidden?"

"Yes. My packmaster turned me, and he has kept me ever since."

"Who is your packmaster?" Filius asked.

"Fenrir Greyback," He felt Hermione shaking behind him and he stepped in front of her more to conceal her fear from this man. He remembered, briefly, passing Greyback at Malfoy Manor when he went to rescue Hermione. He had been running with the snatchers that had caught the three.

"Why are you after Severus and Hermione?" Minerva asked.

"All traitors and mudbloods must die," The man said. His face and tone were even and plain. _Fuck._

"How many of you are there?" Pomona asked.

"I do not know. Our leader knows. Packmaster knows."

"Are your leader and packmaster the same person?" Pomona asked.

"No."

"Who is your leader, then?" Filius asked impatiently.

"Dolores Umbridge." _No._

Severus took a step back and put his hand into Hermione's and pulled her from the hospital wing into the hallway. His heart was racing. Umbridge wants to rid the world of muggleborns. That's all she's ever wanted. Greyback wants Snape. The werewolve army, led by Fenrir, had aligned itself with Voldemort. He could feel his hands shaking as he stepped into the corridor with Hermione behind him. He turned to her and saw the fear in her eyes as she cried. Pulling her close, careful of his mending arm, she could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

 _'All traitors and mudbloods must die.'_


	45. Chapter 45

"We must summon Potter here to inform him of the situation. He will stay with us tonight. He can take you to Australia from here in the morning," he held her to his chest and his shoulder ached like none other.

"What about Ginny? Ron? Lavender?"

Severus grimaced. Hosting Harry Potter in his quarters was one thing entirely, and was a giant pill to swallow. But he knew the boy well and the bond between them was one of greater intimacy than he cared to admit. Severus felt more comfortable around him than he had ever imagined he possibly could. To host Potter and his girlfriend, and Weasley and his girlfriend... was another thing entirely. _Fuck._

 _Almond. Shea. Hermione._

"If I am already adding one guest bedroom, I suppose it would be easy enough to add a second," He stiffened a bit in her arms.

"Thank you, Severus," She squeezed him.

Minerva came around the corner and her face softened at the sight of Severus Snape, with his eyes closed, holding Hermione Granger close and rubbing his finger tips comfortingly over her back. She cleared her throat and Severus pulled back immediately, red coloring both of their faces.

"I've summoned Kingsley."

Severus turned, "Expecto Patronum!" His wolverine appeared. Wiry taut muscles flexed over its silvery form, "You must come to Hogwarts hospital wing immediately. Everyone is uninjured, but we must speak. Bring Ronald, Ginerva, and Lavender," He glanced sideways at Minerva who was eyeing his patronus in wonder, "You will all stay here tonight. Go to Harry Potter. Make haste!" The wolverine tilted its head and took off running with terrifying speed.

"Is that a wolverine?" McGonagall asked, "I thought it was supposed to be a doe?"

"Strange, isn't it?" He cocked an eyebrow and smirked at Hermione, "What comes from within." _I love you._

Hermione snorted as he impersonated her. Minerva looked confused, and then her mouth dropped open, "Soul magic? Those animals, your otter and your wolverine, are in the same family. They complement each other."

Hermione shrugged and Severus blushed uncharacteristically. _Bloody hell, she's quick._

Kingsley Shacklebolt strode in, royal blue robes flowing behind him, "Professors. Miss Granger," He nodded. His voice was deep and rich. Minerva escorted him into the hospital wing. Harry, followed by Ginny, Ron, and Lavender, walked quickly into the building.

Hermione, who was standing behind Severus a bit, was just out of Harry's sight. The boy looked around frantically, "Is she hurt?"

Hermione stepped out from behind Severus, "No. I'm okay."

"Are you hurt?" The green eyes settled on Severus, "She panicked that you were."

"I had a bit of a problem with apparating."

"I thought you couldn't apparate yet?"

"Hence the problem," Severus said dryly.

Harry was clearly not in a mood to be toyed with, so Hermione quickly added, "Severus was out with the House Heads and Professor McGonagall in The Hog's Head. The man from the memorial was there. The blonde. They caught him. He's in there," She nodded toward the hospital wing.

Ron, Lavender, and Ginny quickly turned toward the hospital wing, and Hermione followed them. Severus grabbed Harry's arm, "Harry..."

Harry observed the seriousness on Snape's face and moved away from the doorway so they could speak privately, "Muffilato," He whispered.

"You like that one, don't you, boy?" Snape's eyebrow rose.

"Clearly," Harry said, "What's wrong?"

"It's Umbridge. She's behind this. She's working with Greyback. I don't know if there are actual Death Eaters working for her, or just his werewolves."

Harry's face twisted in disgust at the memory of the pompous toad of a woman, "What do they want?"

Suddenly, a ferocious growl came from inside the hospital wing, "ALL MUDBLOODS AND TRAITORS MUST DIE!" _The Veritaserum must have worn off already. Werewolf metabolisms are very fast._

Harry's eyes were wide as he looked at Severus and Severus said, "That."

Harry swallowed nervously, "She wants... muggleborns. He wants... traitors. And they're working together."

"Yes."

"How many?"

"Our friend in there, Mr. Marrick Rollin, does not know. Greyback has many 'pack members.' He would hide them, keep them with him, as he did with that one. There are probably... many people... People we don't even know exist following the two of them."

"Lovely," Harry said sarcastically.

"Quite," Severus said, "You will still go to Australia?"

"If she wants," Harry shrugged.

"She does. She must," Severus said, "Potter... She will most likely not be able to restore her parents memories."

"I..." Harry sighed, "I figured," he ran a hand through his shaggy black hair.

"Keep her safe, Harry," His voice was a small, childlike plea.

"Always," Harry said and cancelled the Muffilato.

 _Always._

Harry moved into the room and he was followed closely by Severus. The werewolf on the bed was sniffing wildly when they came into the room, "Ahhhhh..." His eyes flashed yellow, "A sister," He looked at Lavender. _He can sense that?_

"No!" The girl screamed in horror.

Ron approached the werewolf and his wand was between the ugly man's eyes in an instant, "Don't you EVER speak to her!"

The man cackled in a way that sounded as if he were barking. Lavender was crying and Harry reached for Ron and spoke lowly, "Ron, dont."

Ron's magic sparked across his red hair and Severus smirked. _An angry Weasley is a fierce Weasley._

"Your bitch wolf," The yellow eyes flashed at Ron and snapped to Snape, "And your mudblood whore will die." _NO._

Something inside Severus' tight self-control snapped, and, pushing past Weasley and Potter, he slashed his wand in the air. For a moment, nobody knew what happened. The people around him stared at the man for a moment in expectation. His mouth opened and a decent amount of blood spilled from his jagged-toothed mouth. All eyes went wide in realization and they turned to Severus, who stood here, holding a small vial. In it, there was fluid, and in the fluid, a fleshy piece of muscle was suspended.

"Severus, you took his tongue..." Minerva said with her eyes wide.

"That'll force him to mind it," He handed the vial to Kingsley, who looked horrified. _Bastard._

"Severus, how am I to explain this?" Kingsley said as he looked at the detached tongue in disgust.

"I could not possibly care less how you choose to explain it. Nobody threatens my partner. Or his," He jerked his thumb toward Weasley, who blushed furiously at having been defended by Snape, "Besides, if you should have the unfortunate inclination to hear him speak again, you can reattach it. I didn't do anything permanent, just preferable," He said casually.

"Severus..." Minerva growled at him. _Spare me the lecture, witch._

He merely raised an eyebrow at her, and then she did something completely unexpected. She laughed. A full, rich, hearty laugh, and everyone followed suit, except Severus, who found nothing funny about what he said.

"Come; we must talk," He said lowly to the younger witches and wizards. Severus turned on his heel and walked from the hospital wing. His heart was clenched in his chest in anxiety that he was trying desperately to hide.

 _'All traitors and mudbloods must die.'_


	46. Chapter 46

When they arrived in his quarters, he waved his wand at the wall furthest away from his bedroom. Two matching wooden doors appeared in the stone.

Harry looked at him questioningly, "We're staying? All of us?"

Severus glared from him to Hermione and then grumbled, "Apparently."

Ron's mouth dropped open, "What!? We're sleeping over in Snape's quarters?"

Severus rolled his eyes and moved down the hall to the bathroom. His shoulder was aching badly, and it was making him nauseous. He grabbed a pain potion and swallowed it in one desperate gulp. When he turned back to the room, he could hear Harry's annoyance.

"Ron, you honestly think we'd be safer anywhere else? The man's been saving our arse's since we were 11!"

"Yeah, but I've just seen him cut a man's tongue out without batting an eye!" Ron's voice was a bit strangled as he tried to keep his volume low.

Ginny spoke, "Yeah, but he did that for Hermione. And Lav, Ron. Y'know, your girlfriend? I thought it was bloody brilliant."

Hermione snorted and Severus, who remained standing in the bathroom, smirked. _My witch._

"Ginny. Snape. Just cut. A man's. Tongue. Out. Of. His mouth," Ron stressed, "It's terrifying, not brilliant."

"I think it's rather attractive actually," Ginny said and he heard a collective gasp from everyone in the room, "He's so protective of Hermione. C'mon, Hermione, don't look so bashful. You know that's part of the appeal. Plus, he was sticking up for Lav, too!" Severus felt himself blushing furiously as he stood with his mouth open. _Ginerva Weasley._

"Did she.. Did you.." Ron's voice was filled with shock, "She... Attractive? Snape?"

"He was sticking up for us," Lavender added quietly, "It's quite honorable, really. It was mostly for Hermione, though, I imagine."

"Oh, no, I can very much assure you he did it for you as well," Hermione said. _You're right, my love. You're absolutely right_

"He. Cut. A. Man's. Tongue. Out. And. You. Just. Said. It. Was. Attractive," Ron said.

"He's protective!" Ginny said, "Besides, it shut him up didn't it?"

"Because his tongue had been cut out!!" Ron exclaimed, "Harry, you've gotta be with me on this one, mate!"

Harry sighed and said, "I'll admit...I was impressed. The man is powerful and fiercely protective."

"Blimey, you've all gone mental," Ron said.

"Indeed," Severus said as he stepped into the hallway.

"Oh, bloody hell," Ron said, "You've been listening the whole time, haven't you?"

Severus said nothing, but his eyes flashed to Ginny, who crossed her arms and shrugged, "I'm not ashamed. I meant what I said and I said what I meant." The younger witch did not blush.

Harry smirked at her confidence and Snape's eyes moved over her face and then settled on her hazel eyes as he stopped moving behind Hermione, "You're very like your mother, Ginerva."

Ron snorted, and Lavender spoke, "Thank you. For what you did back there for me and Hermione."

Severus looked at her, and he swore he saw a flash of yellow flit across her eyes, "Are you well, Miss Brown?"

"Never really been around a werewolf like that since I was attacked," She shrugged, "Except Bill. But he's not a full one. I feel a bit ill, if I'm honest. He definitely was pulling at the wolfish parts of me."

Ron's head dropped and he frowned. Severus said curtly, "Shall we sit?"

He summoned more lounge chairs as everyone took seats around the fireplace. He sat and rubbed at his shoulder with his right hand and flexed his left hand fingers to try to stave off the tingly nerves in his digits.

"You okay?" Hermione said quietly.

"Fine," He said under his breath, "So... You'll leave in the morning, yes?"

Harry, and the rest of the people around him, nodded, and Severus spoke again, "You will need to take extra care whilst traveling. Keep your wits about you," His hands began to shake, and Harry eyed his hands nervously.

Ron swallowed, "The Cruciatus?" His blue eyes steadied on Snape's fingers. _Arthur would have probably known what this is, and Ronald probably learned from him what symptoms of the curse would look like._

"Yes," Severus breathed as he balled his hands into fists as tightly as he could.

"Oh, Merlin..." Ginny's hand covered her mouth and tears welled up in her eyes.

"Please, don't," Severus said. There was an uncharacteristic catch in his voice. _Don't._

Lavender was crying, "You've suffered so much..."

Ginny squeezed her eyes shut tightly in an attempt to stop the tears falling down her cheeks.

"Technically speaking," Severus cleared his throat as Hermione's hand snuck its way behind him out of sight of all the other people in the room and her fingers rubbed softly on the small of his back to calm him, "This," He held up his shaking hands, "Could happen after one receiving that curse once."

"We aren't speaking technically," Ginny said firmly, "You..." _please don't._

"Don't..." Severus warned lowly, "Please," He clenched his hands tighter. _Please._

Ginny looked at him for a moment, considered how he was teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown, looked at Hermione as the latter shook her head once, and she nodded, "Sorry."

"We don't know how many followers Umbridge and Greyback have," Severus said steadily, "Constant vigilance."

"Now, you sound like Mad-Eye," Ron nodded.

Severus flinched as he remembered that night.

 _Mad-Eye Moody was the first to plow through the clouds with a Potter impersonator trailing behind on a broom and a bolt of green light shot from Voldemort's wand toward the faux Potter, missed, and hit Moody in the chest. He fell through the clouds._

"He had a point," Severus said and he rubbed absently at his left arm. ' _I say there are spots that don't come off, Snape. Spots that never come off, d'you know what I mean?'_

"Many points," Severus corrected himself.

Harry nodded, "We will take care."

"I still don't understand why Umbridge would be working with the werewolves," Hermione said thoughtfully, "She detests muggleborns, half-breeds and anything else she considers beneath her."

"True," Severus said, "But she is not stupid. She's a relatively weak witch if we're measuring sheer individual power. She is fully aware she needs someone else at her side, someone to do her bidding, and the werewolves are a formidable ally to have. She knows they are considerably oppressed. Perhaps she's promised them freedoms in exchange for their loyalties."

Hermione nodded and the room fell quiet. All eyes were trained on the floor as the anxiety of the upcoming travel, the emotions of the evening, flowed through all of them.

"We..." Harry said, "We should all try to get some rest."

The group stood, and separated quietly to their respective rooms. That night, Severus held Hermione more closely and more intentionally than he probably ever had. He whispered his love into her ear, her hair, her neck, as he held onto her as if it were the last time he'd ever be afforded the opportunity to do so.

 _I hope it is NOT the last..._


	47. Chapter 47

**Disclaimer: Info on wand wood and wand core found on Pottermore.**

After he'd put up the silencing wards on the door, he laid next to Hermione as she gradually felt into a peaceful sleep. Severus did not sleep well that night at all, and he found himself staring at Hermione while she slept peacefully next to him about half five. His arm hurt badly as he stared at her. She was, to him, the most beautiful woman and talented witch in the world. Her features were delicate, soft, and feminine. Her eyelashes were naturally long, and the freckles that dusted her face were a galaxy he wanted to spend the rest of his life staring at.

Eventually, the pain he felt overwhelmed him and he began to feel nauseous again. When he started to shift and grabbed his wand from the night stand, he felt movement on the mattress behind him, and a hand snaked around him and found its way under his T-shirt.

"Morning," She mumbled sleepily.

"Morning," His voice was gruff after its disuse throughout the night.

She must have felt the tension in his body because she asked, "What's wrong, love?"

Tears stung his eyes, and his jaw twitched. She slid over next to him and tucked the curtain of black hair shielding his face behind his ear, "Severus?"

He ground his molars, "I am absolutely terrified about you leaving this morning, that something could happen to you and I would be unable to help," He said softly, "My shoulder hurts. It truly hurts, and I feel horrendously useless."

She grabbed his wand out of his hands and flicked it. His pain potion appeared in her hand. She handed it to him, and while he took it, she ran his fingertips over his wand.

"This is ebony wood?"

"Yes," He sounded like the fearful boy he had been, but he knew she was trying to keep his mind in the present and not let it travel down a dark path.

"Have you ever read any of Ollivander's works on wandlore?"

"No," He said simply and his eyes remained on the floor.

She waved his wand again, and a book appeared next to her. _Of course she has, though._ She grabbed it and flipped through the pages while she held his wand. He was still and silent next to her.

"Ebony wood is highly suited to all manner of combative magic, and to Transfiguration. Ebony is happiest in the hand of those with the courage to be themselves. Frequently non-conformist, highly individual, or comfortable with the status of an outsider, a perfect match for an ebony wand is someone who will hold fast to his or her beliefs, no matter the external pressure, and will not be swayed lightly from their purpose."

Severus was quiet next to her, and she leaned her head onto his right shoulder. At her contact, she felt him relax slightly, "What do you think?" She asked.

"It fits now," He said lowly, "But I do not think it did then, when I was a boy or young man. Though I do not find myself to be someone who would say he is _comfortable_ being the outsider. I am _used_ to being the outsider."

She touched his hand briefly, "What of the core?" The pad of her thumb rubbed over his wand's handle.

"Dragon heartstring."

She flipped through some of the pages until she found what she was looking for, "As a rule, dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. Dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types. While they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner. The dragon wand tends to be easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though it will not incline that way of its own accord. It is also the most prone of the three cores to accidents, being somewhat temperamental."

He made a small humming noise, "I never had more accidents magically speaking than directly after I joined the Dark Lord's ranks. They continued until I became a double agent."

She said softly, "You were always with us, no matter how lost you were. Your wand knew that."

When he didn't respond, she said, "My core is dragon heartstring as well. The wood is vine." _We share a core. How romantic..._ He chastised himself for being sarcastic.

He was quiet next to her, but she could feel him leaning more into her and she said, "It's strange. Your magic. I can feel it. I can feel your wand almost... Humoring me. Your magic is very strong, Severus. Fearsome. Determined. Witty and snarky. It's so... Strange that I can feel it just by touching your wand."

"I could feel yours as well. When I used it before and at Gringott's. Your wand was willing to do whatever I wanted, but it most certainly let me know when it wasn't happy with what I was doing - the Imperius Curse being one such thing."

"How do you mean?"

"Your wand did as I asked it, but it sort of..." He searched for the best way to describe it, "Bit me."

She giggled next to him, "Sorry!"

He smirked next to her. She knew how to relax him, how to take his mind off of the darkness and his tendency toward depression and self-deprecation.

"I should probably shower," She mumbled into his shoulder.

He grunted in response, and she tugged at his shirt and said, "Come with me."

"I do not know if..." _I'm sorry._

"Sev?"

His jaw twitched, "I do not know that I will be able to perform. I am..." _Pathetic._

"Anxious. In pain. Scared," She spoke for him, "I just want your skin, Severus. In any capacity. Wouldn't that feel nice? Skin on skin? Hot water?"

He whimpered next to her, "You've no idea." _Oh, Hermione._ Severus was a touch-starved man. He could, despite his anxieties and the pain radiating from his shoulder, feel the impending calm he would feel by holding her so intimately begin to wash over him. _I love you._ She knew him better than anyone ever had or ever would.

"Come, my love," She stood and held out her hand.

He put his slender-fingered right hand in hers and she pulled him toward the bathroom. She touched tip of his wand seductively to her mouth and kissed it. _Godddd._ His eyes darkened. It shot sparks off away from her skin.

"Oh, I think it likes me!" She said coyly. _Witch._

He stared at her as she led him to the bathroom, and her whiskey colored eyes travelled down his body, "Oh, I think _you_ like me, too," She said darkly.

 _Wicked woman._


	48. Chapted 48

All too soon, the couple was sitting in the kitchen sipping tea. Harry Potter and Ginerva Weasley emerged from their bedroom first. Potter's hair was a disaster - more so than usual. The two had clearly not slept well either.

"Did you sleep well?" Hermione asked.

"Mm," Ginny growled, "No." _She is not a morning person._

"Coffee, Weasley? Or tea?" He drawled and her hazel eyes met his.

"Coffee! Merlin, Snape, you're a saint," She grumbled.

He snorted, "That, I'm afraid, is very much not the case," And he handed her a cup of steaming coffee.

"Potter?" He offered.

"Please, sir," Harry said sleepily.

"Don't call me that," Severus said lowly and eyed Harry as he handed him a cup.

"Sorry," He said, "Old habit, I guess."

"It's strange though, however, because I recall many instances in which you should have called me 'sir' and you did not..."

Harry smirked and then he turned around as the bedroom door to Ron and Lavender's room opened. Lavender appeared, fully dressed, but Weasley, with his red hair sticking up in odd places, emerged in pajama pants and a tank top.

As the younger witches and wizards settled into the seats around his table, sipping on coffee, and discussing their travel plans, Severus retreated to lean against the wall where he felt he could watch Hermione without being caught.

He sipped on his tea and watched her smile nervously, and he could sense her anxiety. _I am so sorry, Hermion_ e... It made his heart break knowing that the war had, for all intents and purposes, made her an orphan. He knew the reality of memory charms. In that moment, he was hopelessly hopeful it could be reversed, but rationally, he knew it was most likely futile. At times, he often felt as if her parents' fate, existing happily without the knowledge of and relationship with their wonderful daughter, was worse than if they should have perished, especially to Hermione. He, of all people, knew indeed that there were truly fates worse than death. _Did I make it worse?_

There were eyes on him. His years as a spy had heightened his senses, and his eyes darted away from Hermione's face and found two emeralds staring back at him. There were no other eyes on him, but Harry's eyes locked on his for a moment steadily, studying, and then moved to Hermione. On the boy's face, there was a look of knowledge and understanding.

Largely unbothered by Potter's notice, Severus returned his dark gaze to his partner. My best friend. Her hair was tied back at the bottom of her hairline, but some loose and untamed curls rebelled against the elastic band and fell around her face. _Beautiful. Beautiful. I cannot lose her._

He tore his eyes away from Hermione and watched Lavender Brown as she scratched at the scarring on her neck. He looked at Ron, who was looking at Lavender, then to Ginny, who was focused on Harry. She was talking quietly to Potter as Harry met Snape's gaze again. Severus narrowed his eyes. _What is he thinking?_

"You think we can get breakfast in the Great Hall?" Ron asked.

"Ronald, we need to leave. If we're going to travel, we should get a move on. It's several international apparition points."

Ron groaned loudly and rolled his eyes. Hermione laughed, and Severus' eyes moved back toward her. Beautiful. They stood collectively, and Severus took their cups and set them to wash themselves in the sink.

Their bags appeared in his quarters Hermione waved her wand over all of them and they shrank and arranged themselves into a transfigured backpack. Ronald slung the backpack over his shoulder after he transfigured his pajamas back into normal muggle attire. The rest followed suit and, in an instant, Severus Snape faced a group of perfectly muggle looking young men and women.

They looked between him and Hermione anxiously, and then Ron cleared his throat.

"You must be vigilant," Severus said as he moved his eyes over the group, "Be careful. All of you."

Harry nodded and then opened the door to the corridor and held it for Ginny, Lavender, and Ron. He paused for a moment and looked at Severus.

"Be careful, Harry," Severus said so quietly that Harry knew he was the only one meant to hear the slight affection in the words.

"I will," Harry assured him and walked out of the door.

They moved down the hall a bit to wait for Hermione, and Severus' stomach twisted as he realized they were all aware he would be kissing Hermione. _Damn_.

He pulled her into his chest and wrapped both of his arms carefully around her thin frame. She was quiet and still in his arms.

"I love you, Severus," She whispered to him as she breathed his scent in deeply.

 _Almond. Shea,_ "I love you," He said just as softly. She pulled away. _Empty. Empty_.

He squeezed his fingers around her wrist and honey met obsidian, "You come back to me."

She nodded, "Always," and reached up and kissed his lips softly, lingering long enough to make him sigh. _Hermione_.

Then, she was gone. Again. He was alone again. After a moment of quiet grief at the loss of her physical presence, he ran his hand through his hair, and turned his attention to his library. _Find something, lovesick fool._

Shortly before midday, Poppy, Minerva, and Beth showed up at his door. Beth began an examination of his shoulder and scarring, and the worry on her face was apparent. _Fuck..._

"What is the damage, Beth?" Severus said. His voice was silky, and he hid his anxiety behind its timbre. _Please, just let it be okay._

She looked at him and considered her assessments for a moment and then said, "I must admit I am significantly concerned about your ability to be able to return to teaching in September, especially in a position that would be so demonstration heavy in physical ways..."

He winced as he digested her words, and then grimaced and ground his teeth together. _Useless. Useless._

"I don't think that the apparating did any lasting damage, but it was definitely a set back."

"What of the nerve issues? And his tremors?" Poppy asked. Severus' face was stony and his dark eyes were occuluded and stared at the floor

"The tremors will fade, in time. I did bring a variety of magical medicines to try to help them in the moment - nerve salves, muscle relaxants," She said, "The nerve issues in your left hand, though, will prove much more difficult. Truly, I do not know how much recovery we can expect in your left ring finger and left pinky finger. I've taken some scans of the nerve activity and pathways to take back with me. I'll discuss it with some senior Healers and see what we can do to help," She said and looked at Severus' face.

He was done with the conversation. He'd heard enough. _Useless._

"I... I'll leave you to it, Professor Snape," Beth said quietly. The young witch left a small crate of potions and salves on the floor near his feet.

"I'll escort you out," Poppy said and stood. Severus knee Poppy was going to meddle into his health and recovery further, but he could not summon a scathing remark. _There is no recovery to be had._ The door to his quarters clicked shut.

"Severus?" For the first time since she had walked in, Severus became aware that Minerva was indeed present. She had been very quiet, "I know you are probably upset right now, lad..."

He clenched his jaw, and then pulled his gaze from the floor to her face and glared, "Please. Just leave me be..."

She looked at him sympathetically, then stood, "I'll be back in an hour. You are to be done brooding by then," She said sternly.

He sneered at her, "I'm 38-years-old."

"Exactly," She said and left him to his thoughts.

 _Useless_.


	49. Chapter 49

**Disclaimer: I did change some events at the end of the last chapter - apparently, someone felt I had the worst idea ever, even though this next conversation would have been the same regardless.**

When Minerva returned, she found Severus sitting in the same chair as if he hadn't moved one single muscle.

"You could take the position of Headmaster," She offered, "That would probably be much easier on you physically."

"No," He said firmly.

She narrowed her eyes, "You don't want it?"

"No," He repeated.

"May I ask why?"

"Oh, I don't know, Minerva. Perhaps it is because the Dark Lord forced me into the position, I had students being beat under my internship, and many, many students died?" His voice was cold.

"Our students would relish you reclaiming that position."

"I said no," He snapped, "I will teach come September 1st."

She peered at him over her glasses, "Hermione has gone again?"

He ground his molars together, "Yes."

"No wonder you are in such a pleasant mood."

"I was just told I'm quite useless," He said.

"No, that's what _you_ heard," She noted, "That is not at all what Miss Creevey said."

He grunted and Minerva sighed, "Kingsley took Mr. Rollin to Azkaban for interrogation last night."

 **We've landed in Hungary.** She sounded quieter than usual.

 _Okay._

"They've just landed in Hungary," Severus noted.

She raised her eyebrows, "How exactly do you know that?"

Severus looked thoughtful for a minute, considered his friend, and then crossed his leg, "When we became Secret Keepers, I knew we would need a way to communicate privately. We practiced Legilimency and Occulumency and formed a sort of private and protected communication channel in our minds."

"You can communicate telepathically?"

"Yes," He said smoothly.

"No matter the distance?"

"That remains to be seen," He said, "Her voice in my head just was much more quiet than usual."

Minerva nodded, "Fascinating. You truly are a most intelligent pair."

He tapped the ring on his right hand and pulled it off his finger, "She has a ring that is similar, though more feminine, and it allows us to sense the location for apparating as well as the strong emotions - danger, fear, etc," He added.

"That's incredible, Severus," She said as she leaned forward to examine the ring, "Beautiful, too."

"It proved most useful as well," His voice was low.

"I am certain it did, lad," She said, "Hey, what do you say we get some practice in? We can see what you're made of currently as far as defensive and offensive spells. Work that shoulder out a bit."

He considered her offer, then reached down, and pulled a vial from the smal crate at his feet that was labeled "pain." He swallowed two large gulps and then stood, "After you."

She chuckled and led him to a dueling room in the school. Once there, they stood across from each other at the end of the long platform on which he had embarrassed Lockhart.

"Defensive spells, Severus?"

"Yes, that would probably be easiest," And he watched as she raised her wand and he followed her gesture.

He paled considerably, remembering the last time they had drawn their wands on each other and his hands began to shake. _The Carrows sniggering behind. The hatred in Harry's voice. The fear in his chest._ His wand crashed to the platform and she rushed to him. _I can't._

"Severus," She said, "Oh, Severus."

His breathing was ragged as her arm found its way around his shoulders from his right side. In a way that was so atypical of Severus Snape, Minerva found that he not only leaned into her embrace, but he also clutched her robes on her shoulder.

"They were going to kill you, Minerva," His voice was gruff. _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so damaged._

"The Carrows? Oh, please, Severus. They were never that talented," He snorted as he regained his balance and breathing and she spoke again, "It is practice, my boy. Merely practice. We are friends, Severus."

He closed his eyes and calmed his heart. His hand dropped from her robes, and he stood up straight. She leaned down and picked up his wand and handed it to him, "Don't make it so easy on me to get your wand this time, Snape."

He grunted and took his wand as she made her way back to the other end of the platform. She turned and raised his wand and he smirked and mimicked her. She smiled and threw a disarming spell at him. His reflexes were as quick as ever, but the force of the spell on his shield reverberated through his shoulder and he bent over slightly, "Fuck," He hissed.

"All right, old man?" She teased.

He stood up and nodded, "We should probably talk about maths at some point, witch. You are far older than I."

Another snap of red came flying at him and he blocked it with ease. The adrenaline of the practice, the exercising of his magic, allowed him the first bit of magical freedom and magical potency he had felt since he was bitten by Nagini.

He smiled, truly smiled, and laughed, until he was exhausted and until his shoulder throbbed. He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender, "Mercy, woman!"

 **We've arrived in India.**

 _Okay. I love you._

 **I love you.**

Her thoughts came through to him with something akin to radio static.

"They're in India," He said, and Minerva nodded.

"Are you hungry? I am famished," She said.

While they walked toward the staff room, Minerva said, "You know, I have been contacted by Beauxbatons and Durmstrang. They wish for us to host the Tri-Wizard tournament again," She said.

"We hosted last," Severus raised an eyebrow.

"They intend it to be some sort of nod to our sacrifices and battle, I believe."

"Do you think it a good idea? To host something so dangerous with the trauma many of our students faced in May?"

"Oh, I do think it a good idea to have international magical cooperation and community, but with many modifications to the tournament," She said, "Which is why you will help me."

"I will?"

"Yes, Severus. You will," She spoke as they walked into the staff room to find Pomona, and Filius, and Horace, and Filch, and Poppy, sitting around the long table, "You will be most valuable in this endeavor. Of that, I have no doubt."

 _The Tri-Wizard Tournament. How is it that it is already time for another?_


	50. Chapter 50

Severus retired to his quarters that night and anxiously paced before the fire. He had not heard from Hermione since she had informed him that they had arrived in India. Pressing his thumb to his ring, he hissed and swore when he discovered that he could feel nothing - no emotion or location.

Glancing at the ticking clock, he calculated that they should have arrived in Australia within the last hour. He had stripped himself of his frock coat, cravat, and untucked his under shirt. Severus pulled nervously at his color. His body was warm, threatening to sweat, and he could feel panic rising inside of him. _Hermione. Hermione. Hermione._

A silvery otter burst into his quarters and circled around him, and he could feel relief wash over him like a wave.

The otter looked at him curiously and said, "Severus, we've arrived in Australia. I cannot feel you in my ring, nor can I seem to reach you via Legilimency. I'm sure my patronus will take significantly longer to get to you, but I wanted to communicate with you somehow, and this is the safest way I could think of. Please know that we are safe, and that I very much miss you. Rest easy." _I miss you so._

In the silence that followed her voice, he felt the weight of her absence and distance more heavily than he had ever. Until then, there were no times in which he couldn't communicate with her in at least some form since he had summoned her to his quarters late that night so long ago. For the first time in nearly two years, he felt inescapably alone. Loneliness had plagued him much of his life, but now it seems to feel even more oppressive since he now had Hermione to share his life with, to rely on, to trust. _Nothing gold can stay._

He closed his eyes and remembered her eyes on him in The Three Broomsticks, her hand on his knee, how her body language was completely focused on him, how she laughed, her smile, how very much in love he felt in that moment, "Expecto Patronum!"

His wolverine appeared before him and he spoke to it, "I am relieved to hear you have arrived safely. Please be vigilant and careful wherever your journey takes you. I find myself missing you more than I imagined possible, which truly says a lot because I expected to miss you terribly. You carry my heart with you wherever you go, Hermione Granger," His voice trailed off and then halted, but he spoke once more, "Go to Hermione. You'll do well to make sure she listens to you in as much protected privacy as she can afford." The wolverine looked at him intently and then ran through the stone wall.

There was no sleep to be had for him that night. He cursed himself for having become so incredibly dependent. _It's pathetic._ He had spent so many years of his life in isolation and self-imposed exile.

When he arrived at breakfast the next morning, Minerva peered at him over her glasses and he rolled his eyes at her.

"What, witch?" He snapped.

"You look..." She paused, "Tired." _Piss off._

He grunted and sat next to her. Much of the meal, Severus spent pushing his meal around his plate with his fork.

"Don't be a sob story, Severus," She hissed to him.

"I'm not a bloody sob story, Minerva," He growled. _I'm not._

"Your Healer is supposed to be here today around noon for physical therapy," Poppy said from his other side.

"Lovely," Severus said. His annoyance and lack of sleep were apparent. _Fucking hell._

After he'd finished his fourth cup of coffee, Minerva turned to him and asked, "What do you think about multiple champions?"

Severus swallowed his coffee hard, "What do you mean 'multiple champions'?" He asked.

"One from each, perhaps? The other schools have four Houses as well. A trio, perhaps? It's a triwizard tournament?"

Severus eyed her intensely, "A trio?"

Minerva looked at him, "Yes. I think it would be good to have teammates in this tournament. It could be a test of skills, strengths, academics, athletics..."

"A trio?" He said through his teeth. _Surely, she cannot mean..._

"If Granger, Weasley, and Potter wish to enter as a trio, they'd have to decide to do that together," She nodded.

"No. It's unsafe. Besides, I'd much prefer the Houses situation. I cannot bear the idea of watching those three Gryffindor students fumble around anymore," He sneered, "At least with the Houses, there would be a unity. We would not have to suffer the Gryffindor idealism any longer."

"I was under the impression that you quite liked watching Miss Granger," She raised an eyebrow.

He glared at her and he could feel the heat rising up his neck into his cheeks, "Isn't the world sick of them yet?"

"Are you?" She chuckled.

"I could do without sixty-six percent of them," He grumbled as he stabbed at a cold potato on his plate.

"Do you truly think Hermione would put her name in the Goblet of Fire?"

Severus thought for a moment, "My first instinct is to say no, but... She is a fierce competitor, a brave war veteran, intellectual beyond measure, and she values achievement and accomplishment as much as an Slytherin I've ever known. I do not wish for her to enter any such competition."

"Why not?" She asked, "You know as well as I do that she would fair well, that she would be a most formidable Tri-Wizard Champion."

 _No. Please. No._

"She should not be reckless and put herself needlessly in more danger. No matter how much we soften the tasks, this tournament is dangerous and comes with risks. Even if she were given a team to work with, to plan with, to compete with, there is no possible way for her safety and well-being to be completely protected. One harmed hair on her head is too many. I will find no justification should she wish to participate," Severus' voice was stern.

"Good luck telling her that," Minerva quipped and smirked as she sipped her tea.

 _Oh, bloody hell..._

 **Author Poll: Would you rather see a member from each house from each of the schools participate as a team, or would you rather see a team of three (composed of any house) compete since it's a 3 team tournament?**


	51. Chapter 51

Upon discussing the upcoming Tri-Wizard Tournament with the other House Heads the next day over lunch, the staff agreed to allow a champion from each House to work together as a group of four. Owls were sent to Beauxbatons and Durmstrang that requested to meet in the middle of August before the start of term to discuss the modifications to the tournament.

The idea that a student from each House would compete together was, even Severus acknowledged, exciting. Post-war Hogwarts should be and would be focused on unity, as opposed to individualism. He found his mind wandering to the possibility that Hermione might want to compete, that he would be able to assist her. The tournament was wrought with help from outside sources and it always had been, though he very much doubted Hermione would do anything too win.

The next week passed agonizingly slow. Severus had not heard from Hermione in two days, days she was supposed to be traveling back to him, and he grew incredibly nervous and irritable. All of the trips his wolverine patronus made came back without a response. Panic began to set in the very marrow of his bones. His physical therapy was nearly intolerable pain wise, as was his attitude. He found himself apologizing to Beth Creevey more than he could have ever imagined but, to her credit, she took his frustrations and temper in stride.H

"Have you heard from Hermione, Severus?" Minerva approached him in the courtyard as he stood staring out at the grounds.

His shoulder was throbbing from his most recent physical therapy session and he was awaiting the anti inflammatory potion's success, "No."

She was quiet next to him and he spoke again, "Something is wrong, Minerva. Very wrong."

"I've sent word to Kingsley. He and some of the Order are looking for them as we speak," She put her hand on his back and he stiffened.

"If I lose her..." Severus said between his teeth.

"You will not, Severus. We will find them," Minerva said firmly.

"I should be out there looking for her," He said, "I could find her."

"You've said yourself you cannot feel her emotions or location in your ring, and that you cannot reach out to her via Legilimency," Minerva said, "Or has something changed?"

Severus' jaw clenched, "No. I feel nothing. I hear nothing," The frustration and agony in his voice was heavy.

"They will come back," She said.

"Perhaps she has changed her mind," He said darkly.

"Changed her mind about what?"

"Me," He said coolly.

"Oh, Severus. Surely, you are not still so insecure that you'd honestly think she would leave you in such a way," Minerva scolded him.

He winced as the insecurities she spoke of reared their ugly heads, "Why would she not?"

Minerva rolled her eyes, "Because of your charming disposition."

"Sarcasm is a trait best not used by Gryffindors," He said through clenched teeth.

"Self-deprecation is a trait best not used by anyone," She chided.

"The possible reasons for her lack of communication are not good..."

"Yes, Severus, but I doubt it very much that it has anything to do with her commitment in her relationship with you."

He pinched the bridge of his nose, "Yes. Which makes the whole situation that much more alarming"

He crossed his arms as the numbing qualities of the potion finally smoothed over the throbbing pain in his shoulder. Severus' dark eyes fixated on the forest, where a figure was stumbling toward the barrier. _Too tall to be any of them._ He drew his ebony wand from his coat and started toward the barrier.

"Severus - wait!" Minerva called after him, "Expecto Patronum!" She said and instructed her cats to get the Heads of House.

As his long and brisk strides brought him ever closer to the figure, he could make out that it was a man - heavily disheveled, badly injured, and dirty. He heard Minerva approaching him, and he held out his arm to stop her.

"Wait," He commanded, and when she opened her mouth to protest, he snapped his dark eyes to hers. He glanced over her shoulder and saw Slughorn, Sprout, and Flitwick hurrying toward them.

As the man stumbled through the barrier, he collapsed face down. Severus, wand drawn and trained on the man, moved closely to him. The wizards and witches behind him had their wands drawn as well. He knelt in front of the man at his head, shielding those behind him from the body, and he stared. He examined the man from top to bottom.

The dirty blonde, light brown hair was matted with blood and sweat and grime. Severus looked over the man's clothing. His suit jacket was loose fitting, torn, tattered, and an old-fashioned greenish- brown color. He had a strange feeling he'd seen it before. The man's pants were torn and dirty and matched the state of the jacket. His shoes were brown dress shoes and they were worn and faded and covered in dirt. The clothing was so big and loose that the man's body practically swam in it. He felt the man's sweaty neck and could feel a faint pulse. It was weak against his fingers

Taking a deep breath, Severus stood, "He's still alive."

"Who is it?" Slughorn asked.

Severus bent down and grabbed the man's shoulder with his right hand and pulled him over to his back. He jumped back at the sight.

"Incarcerous!" Snape shouted and the limp body twisted under the bindings, and he jumped back away from the man and managed to keep his face concealed from the professors behind him, "Revelio!"

Nothing about the man changed. _What the fuck?!_

"Severus?" Minerva said and the staff members encircled him, his wand trained in the bound and beaten man on the grass.

"Severus... is that..." She covered her mouth with her hand.

Pomona gasped, and he saw from the corner of his eyes, that both of the men on his sides tangled their hands in their hair.

"It can't be possible..." Minerva's voice cracked, "I saw his body. Is it..."

"It is," Severus said. His voice was haunted, "It is Remus Lupin."

 _I saw your body, Lupin. How? How?_


	52. Chapter 52

Severus' dark eyes looked at the unconscious man on the ground, then he waved his black wand and levitated him into the castle.

"How, Severus? How?" Minerva asked as she wiped her eyes and walked closely next to him as Lupin floated ahead of him.

"I have no idea. I need a hair sample from his son to confirm his identity. I will compare it to whatever body we buried, and to whomever is buried next to him. Perhaps Nymphadora is alive as well."

"Pomona, can you go to the Tonks'?" Minerva asked and when she nodded, Minerva said, "Do not tell them anything yet. We have no idea what's going on, and we do not want to traumatize them further."

"I will go with you, my friend," Filius said quietly, and they disapparated.

Severus floated Lupin to the nearest bed in the infirmary and Poppy rushed to them, "Severus... Severus! Is that... Remus?!"

"It would seem so," Severus said lowly. _How, wolf? How?_

"We need to heal him, Severus," She said, and began to run diagnostics on the unconscious man.

Minerva's mouth was covered by her fingers and there were tears glistening in her eyes. Severus and Horace busied themselves mixing salves and uncorking healing potions for the mediwitch.

She tapped her wand to his clothing and it disappeared. The sheet over him folded into a thick strip of cloth that laid across his pelvic region to preserve his dignity. His chest was bruised, discolored, and badly injured. Poppy's tests revealed many broken ribs, a punctured lung, a dislocated shoulder, torn ligaments in his knee, a concussion, broken fingers and a broken collarbone, and a fractured foot.

"What happened to him?" Minerva was crying openly now.

Severus opened Remus' mouth and dripped a healing potion into it, then massaged the werewolf's throat so that he would swallow the elixir. Slughorn and Poppy were massaging the salves into his skin. He was looking "better" by the moment, but better and well were far apart.

Remus stirred on the bed, "S... Snape...?"

Severus' eyes met the bloodshot blue eyes of Remus Lupin, and Lupin swallowed hard, then coughed, and Snape said, "Lupin."

All bitter and utter disdain for the man had faded the moment he had seen Lupin's body in the Great Hall, though he could feel the dislike he had felt for man, the fear of the werewolf, stir in his belly. _No._

"Snape," Lupin's face darkened, "Dora? Where is my wife? My son?

Severus hesitated and then said, "We are, at the moment, unsure as to where your wife is. Your son, however, is safe with Nymphadora's parents. Where were you, Lupin? You were believed dead. Both you and your wife."

"Voldemort. Voldemort killed Harry. He won," Lupin struggled through the pain. _What?_

Severus' dark eyes narrowed, "No, Lupin. The Dark Lord was defeated. Potter lives." _Well. Hopefully._

Lupin paled and then turned green, "No."

"Who told you Potter was dead, and that the Dark Lord was victorious?"

Lupin's eyes flashed yellow, "Greyback."

Severus' stomach turned, and, with his right hand, he unbottoned his jacket and shirt sleeves, rolled up the fabric, and brandished his arm at Remus, "Potter lives. He was victorious. The Dark Lord was defeated."

Remus' eyes moved from Severus' face to his arm where the Dark Mark had been branded into his skin, and where it was now faded. The werewolf's eyes widened and then looked back at Severus' face, "You betrayed Voldemort? You were with us all along?"

Severus sighed, weary of these types of questions, "Many years ago, yes."

"When?" Lupin asked sharply.

"July 1980," He said.

Lupin's eyes narrowed as he did the maths, "You..."

Severus cut him off harshly, "We will have time enough for this interrogation, wolf, but we must know where you have been. We believed you to be dead. We saw your body. I saw your body. We saw her body. We BURIED you both!"

Lupin blinked rapidly, "What... What?

"Where have you been?" Severus repeated. Irritation was thick in his voice.

"Greyback had me. Wanted information. Wanted me to join him... His pack..." Lupin spit out the last words, "He tortured... Tortured me. Threatened my wife. My son."

"How did you escape?" Severus asked as he eyed the man carefully.

"They left me with just one guard," The maurader in Lupin smirked and he looked, for a moment, a bit younger.

"One guard? Where were the others?"

"I'm not sure. They left in a hurry," Remus shrugged and winced as his body protested against any movement at all.

"What do you remember of the battle?"

Remus thought for a moment, and then paled, "Leaving the Great Hall and then... Nothing."

Pomona walked into the infirmary with a tiny vial, "Here, Severus!" She handed him the vial.

He looked inside. There were a handful of blonde hairs.

"What's that?" Remus nodded toward the vial. Severus looked from the vial to the werewolf and then reached up to Lupin's head, which jerked away from his hand, "What the bloody hell are you doing, Snape?"

Severus lunged, grabbed a several of Lupin's hairs, and yanked them free from his head. Lupin glared at him angrily as Severus chose one hair from his fingers and one from vial. He tapped his wand to one and then another and they sparked white.

"What is that?" Lupin asked again.

"Congratulations, Lupin," Severus said with heavy irony, "On living, and on being a father."

Lupin looked stunned, and then to Snape's wand, "That's... That's Teddy? That's my son's hair?" His eyes glistened.

"Indeed," Severus said. _Son. He's a father. A bloody father._ Severus rose to his full height and turned away from Lupin.

"I must check the grave," Severus said in a hushed whispered to Minerva.

"The GRAVE?!" Remus shouted, "Whose grave?!"

 _Fucking werewolf sense of hearing._ "Yours," Severus said casually.

"And Dora's?" Remus asked, "I'm not stupid, Severus! I'm coming with you!"

Poppy and Minerva protested vehemently as Lupin pulled himself shakily out of bed. He rose and stood before Severus, standing half an inch taller than the black haired wizard, and he glared into the black eyes. The werewolf metabolism had him healing faster than any ordinary wizard.

"You will not want to do this, Remus!" Minerva offered, her voice motherly, "If it is her..."

"Then Severus will tell me," Remus said firmly, daring Severus to say otherwise, "She is my wife. If it is her, or if it is not, I will be there. It is my right."

Severus looked at him. If it were Hermione... _if it were Hermione..._

"Very well," Severus nodded, and Remus breathed a sigh of relief as Severus magicked clothing onto him, "Come, Lupin," Severus turned on his heel and walked from the infirmary.

When they heard footsteps behind them, Remus turned back to his former colleagues, "I do not need an audience," He growled. _It would be better for him if this should go badly that he had someone there who would be capable of... comfort._

"We just want to help," Minerva said quietly.

"Help me by giving me space," Remus said in a shaky breath.

The group nodded and allowed Severus and Remus to travel alone together well ahead of them. Before the arrived at the cemetery, Severus turned on Lupin, "Lupin, I..."

Remus jumped, startled at the man's sudden movement, a trait of someone who had been badly abused, "What?" He avoided Snape's eyes. Lupin's reaction reminded him of his own toward his father.

"I do not know what it is we will discover," Severus' eyes were intensely focused on Remus' face.

"If it's my wife..." Remus stopped and then whimpered as his lip trembled.

"You are sure this is what you want to do?" Severus asked, "I am more than capable of discerning the truth on my own and would be obliged to inform you of the results as soon as possible."

Remus shook his head violently, "I have a right."

"Indeed," Severus acknowledged, and then continued toward the graves of "Remus" and Nymphadora Lupin.

He heard Lupin's breath hitched and shivered as he imagined how it would feel to see one's own name on a gravestone with both a birth and death date carved beneath it.

"I will not..." Severus struggled to find the appropriate words, "I will not desecrate the grave."

Remus nodded several times, and his mouth was twitching as he struggled with both exhaustion and grief.

Severus touched his wand to the Earth over where "Remus" was buried. A hair appeared, and Severus tested it against one of Teddy's. The sparks from his wand were black.

Remus looked at his wand curiously, "Well, I suppose that is not me. Officially. Unless there were two of me."

"Christ, no," Severus growled, "One of you is more than enough." _Wolf._ He moved his wand to the soil over Nymphadora's grave, and another hair appeared. He pulled another from the vial and tested the two. White sparks.

 _No._

 _No._

 _Nymphadora._

 _No._

Severus' heart wrenched in his chest as Lupin collapsed to his knees beside Snape, "No!!!!!"

Snape's hand tangled in his black hair as tears stung his eyes. _Lupin has lost everything._ And then he thought how it had felt to have lost everything once many years ago. _Lily._ Then, he thought of what it would be like to lose everything again. _Hermione._

"Fuck," Severus spat as Lupin howled his grief and beat his fists into the dirt. _Fuck. Fuck._

Severus kneeled next to Lupin, who had his forehead to the Earth. He hovered over Remus' back.

 _Wolf. Maurader. He nearly killed me. His passive allowance. Bully. Tormentor._

As he looked at Lupin, at how broken he was, he realized they were not so different - Remus had just been lucky to have had been sorted into Gryffindor, to have not earned the random and undeserved ire of James and Sirius.

 _Werewolf. Outcast. He lost all of his friends. His family. Jobless. Lonely._

His hand touched Lupin's shoulder and the werewolf jumped at his touch, "Lupin... I am sorry."

Lupin turned on Snape violently, and shoved at his shoulder hard, causing Snape to hiss loudly, curse, and wince.

"What do you care, Snape? What have you EVER cared?" His blue eyes flashed yellow dangerously and his teeth were bared - the wolf inside grieving for its mate, "You have nothing. No one! You never have! You hated us! All of us! James! Sirius! Me! Harry! You were a bitter boy who grew to be a bitter man - always hanging onto a grudge from the schoolyard!" Lupin's magic sparked down his arms as his voice turned to an inhuman growl.

Severus stood, his temper flared hideously, magic crackling across his chest and shoulders, "You know nothing, Lupin," He sneered dangerously.

"What have you lost then? What do you have to lose?" Lupin growled at him as he stood and approached Severus.

"Everything," Severus said, "I have lost everything once. And I stand to lose everything again." Snape's voice was venomous.

"Remus! Severus!" Minerva said as she approached the two younger men. Severus took a step back, his dark eyes penetrating hatred into Lupin's blue, and Lupin looked confused. _Idiot. You know nothing. You have always known nothing._

"Severus, is it Nymphadora?" Pomona said as she too approached the wizards.

Snape's eyes burned Remus' and he nodded once sharply. Pomona cried behind him and Severus' eyes moved to the ground. _Her Hufflepuff_

With a final angry glance at Lupin, Severus stalked away He heard Minerva consoling Remus as he walked off quickly.

"Severus!" Remus shouted, and Snape stopped, but did not turn. Remus had approached, and circled around in front of Snape. Snape did not look at him, his anger and temper barely held in check.

"Lily?" Remus said quietly. _Lily._

Severus' dark eyes flashed to Remus'. He found no malice in the blue eyes, only pained understanding. Severus' lip twitched, and he moved his eyes over Lupin's shoulder toward the castle.

"Then. And now?" Remus said as he pondered the possibilities and then realization dawned on his face, "Hermione... I saw how you looked at her, how she looked at you that night in the Great Hall."

Severus said nothing, and moved past Remus, but Remus put a hand to Severus' chest, "I am sorry, Severus," He whispered.

Severus swallowed hard, and said, "As am I, Remus," And then stalked off toward the castle.

 _As am I._


	53. Chapter 53

Severus walked toward the castle and he could hear Lupin shuffling behind him slowly - walking as if lost in an endless nightmare. His mind was racing with possibilities. Whatever person had been buried in Lupin's place must have been under the influence of some sort of charm or, perhaps, a Polyjuice Potion.

There was something weighing more on Snape's mind in regards to Lupin. When Severus had spoken to Lily using the Resurrection Stone, he had asked Lily to apologize to Lupin for him, and Lily had turned her head to the side and smiled, as if someone were speaking behind her that he could not see or hear. _I thought Remus was speaking to her. Who had been speaking to her? Nymphadora? Why wouldn't she say Remus wasn't dead?_ _Potter. I need Potter._

Just as he walked into the castle from the courtyard, he heard the snap of Apparition, and turned on his heel immediately and drew his wand. Lupin jumped backward and reached for a wand, but he did not have his.

He saw Kingsley, Dawlish, Maxwell, and Davis. Each was kneeling over a younger witch or wizard, most of them crying out in pain. His eyes franctically searched the faces - _Ron, Ginny, Harry... Hermione._

Severus ran to her and kneeled. She was unconscious, and he felt her pulse. Weak, but present. She had a cut on her cheek that was bleeding heavily, as all head wounds do. Immediately, his wand was dragging across the wound to heal it.

"What happened?" Snape growled at Kingsley.

"They were caught. Greyback. Attacked by them. Dueling when we found them. They're exhausted. We had to apparating them here directly from Australia."

"You fool!" Snape hissed, "That's too far! You could have killed them! Did you at least catch or kill the Greyback?!"

"It was all we could do to get them out!" Kingsley roared at Snape. _Arsehole._

Lupin, stunned, hadn't moved from the archway of the castle and Minerva, Pomona, Filius, and Horace approached the group quickly.

"Get them to the infirmary!" Severus yelled. Almost all of them appeared splinched in some way.

Harry made eye contact with Snape, and over the Snape's shoulder, the boy caught sight of Remus. Harry raised his wand and yelled, "Stupefy!"

The stunning hex whizzed past Severus' ear and hit Remus in the chest. Remus was sent soaring backward, where he promptly fell and then laid motionless in the corridor.

"Lupin's dead!" Harry studdered.

Snape nearly smiled, but his panic kept him in check. _Potter defended me against a Marauder. Why I never thought I'd see the day, "_ Apparently not."

Harry's green eyes went wide, "What? That was... That _was_ Remus?"

"Yes," Severus said plainly as he pulled Hermione into his arms and stood. _So limp._ He clenched his jaw at the pain, but willed himself to walk with her in his arms. Slughorn put his arm around Severus' waist to assist him. His left arm trembled and shook as he rushed into the infirmary and laid her on a bed. His pinky and ring finger were numb and his hands were in a full tremor. The other four former students were either carried, levitated, or helped into nearby beds.

Remus limped into the infirmary, helped by Minerva and Pomona, "Harry..."

Harry's tired eyes snapped open and looked to Remus as Poppy worked in his splinched hand. He was not in bad shape, truly, and the splinching on his hand had not gone down to the bone. Lupin approached Remus and Snape eyed the werewolf carefully as he passed, and then turned his full attention back to Hermione. He and Horace worked deligiently with diagnostic spells.

"Her magical core is depleted," Horace said with a look of slight relief on his face, "I see minor splinching here at her elbow, but it is minor indeed." He wrapped her elbow quickly and neatly, and cleaned the blood away.

Snape felt himself pale. _She's drained. Again. Splinched._ Minerva was helping Poppy. Weasley's arm had been splinched. Again. Badly. He would probably never master apparating. Ginny Weasley looked relatively unscathed, several scratches on her face and minor splinching on her hand, but she was unconscious, and Lavender Brown looked to have been splinched in a minor way on her foot. Ginny was probably drained as well.

"Hermione," Severus ground out through his teeth. He wanted so desperately to see her eyes, to hear her voice, for her loose hand in his to squeeze back. _Please please please please please please please_.

"She must rest, Severus," Horace said softly, "It is quite possible that she will be perfectly well in the morning. Her and Ginerva both!"

Severus nodded reluctantly and slumped down into a chair beside her and watched her chest rise and fall several times before he glanced at Potter. Potter was shifting uncomfortably in the bed as his hand healed itself slowly as Remus stared at him.

Slowly, the crowd thinned. Poppy tended to each person with great care. Remus sat at Harry's beside diligently, and he could hear the man crying softly as he told Harry that his wife was, indeed, dead _Nymphadora..._ the former students were, except for Harry, asleep, or unconscious. Severus stared at Hermione intensely. Harry was eyeing Ginerva with a look of intense love. _For one so young, he loves fiercely._

"Potter," He said lowly, "I thought you would have seen Lupin when you used the stone. I thought you did see him."

"I think I did," Harry ruffled his hair in frustration, "Or I thought I did."

"You're sure?"

"I remember talking about him. I don't... Remember if he was actually there or not. Mostly... I remember my mum," The boy looked down at his bedsheets.

"What?" Remus asked confused. He wiped his eyes.

"How are you uncertain, Potter?" Severus growled.

"Oh, I don't know, Snape. Maybe because I was walking to my death and things were a bit disorientating?"

"Potter..."

"Let him alone, Severus."

"Bugger off, Lupin," Snape snapped, "I need the stone. I have questions that need answering. What have you done with it?"

"Nothing yet," Harry shrugged. _You've had it for weeks..._

"I must use it," Severus said firmly.

"It's at Grimmauld Place in Sirius' bedroom beneath a floor board under his dresser," Harry said after hesitating. Severus' eyes narrowed, "It's hard to let go of it. I wanted to use it again before I hid it from everyone. It's... Things got so busy."

Snape nodded once and then looked to Hermione, "I can't leave her." _I'm sorry, Harry._

Remus looked at him, "I'll get it, Severus. What is it?" The werewolf stood.

Harry grimaced and Severus stiffened, uncertain s to how such a powerful object could impact Remus' sanity at the present moment, and Severus said, "I very much doubt we are in need of your assistance, Lupin. We have time."

Lupin scowled at Snape. Severuslooked at Potter, who nodded reluctantly, and Harry said, "It's in an envelope that's sealed with Slytherin's wax seal. Just bring it to us. Don't open it, Remus. Touch only the envelope."

"Is it cursed?" Remus looked between the two wizards.

"Oh, yes," Severus said dangerously. _A different sort of curse._

"What the devil is going on here?" Remus was growing irritated with the ambiguity.

"Lupin, just bring it here. We will explain things then," Severus said in frustration.

Lupin looked at Severus intensely. His blue eyes raked over Severus' face, "You much explaining to do, Snape."

Snape glared at him, "I owe you nothing."

"Damn it to hell, Severus! You owe me enough!" Lupin snapped, "I trusted you! When nobody else did! I defended you!"

"Only took you 20 years, Wolf!" Snape snapped and rose to his feet.

"Stop!" Harry yelled, and Severus was grateful for the enchanted sleep of the other people in the beds, "Please!"

Severus glanced at Harry, and then looked back to Lupin, "Go on then, Lupin. Fetch."

Lupin's face darkened, but Harry requested Remus make haste, and the werewolf left. Harry looked at Severus and his face softened, "Don't be so hard on him, Severus... He's..." The boy's voice caught in his throat, "He's lost everything. His best friends. His wife."

Snape, feeling sufficiently humbled, sat next to Hermione again.

"It doesn't justify it, though, what happened to you at school. It doesn't excuse it," Harry said in an attempt to assure Severus.

"Lupin, aside from nearly killing me once in werewolf form, was the least of my worries. His passive allowance is his cross the bear," Severus said lowly as he watched Hermione sleep.

"They'll be okay? Her and Ginny...?"

Severus sighed and ran a trembling hand through his hair, "It would seem so, yes. What happened, Potter? What of her parents?"

"We watched them for a couple days, let Hermione try to undo the memory charm... When she couldn't... She was devastated. It was awful," Harry said quietly.

Severus squeezed the tiny hand in his. _Oh, Hermione._

"A couple days ago I guess now, we went to move them, to be safe. She sent them to New Zealand this time, and as soon as she returned to us from across the street, we were ambushed. It was horrible. Horrible..."

Severus squeezed his eyes shut tightly and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Thank you. For going with her. For bringing her home. I am...glad you all escaped relatively intact."

"She cried for you. Nearly every night. In her sleep," Harry's voice shook and Severus dropped Hermione's hand to the bed as he clenched his hands into fists to stop the unbearable tremors and numbness. His heart thumped loudly in his chest.

Lupin reappeared the infirmary, red-eyed and tear stained cheeks, and he handed the envelope silently to Harry, "What is it?"

Severus stared at Lupin. _Going to his dead best friend's house to pick up and envelope and then delivering that envelope to his other dead best friend's son all after hearing his wife is dead._ Severus' heart ached for a moment for the other wizard. The dark eyes traveled to the worn envelope in Harry's battered hands and he suddenly found himself hearing Dumbledore's meddlesome voice replayed in his mind...

 _'You think the dead we loved every truly leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly in times of great trouble?'_

 _Damn you, Albus. Damn your bloody wisdom._


	54. Chapter 54

Harry looked nervously between Severus and Remus. Severus shifted in his seat at Hermione's side.

Remus repeated his question, "What is it?"

"Do you know the tale of the Three Brothers?" Harry asked finally.

Remus looked at him, narrowed his eyes, and then grunted, "Yes. What's that got to do with anything?"

"This..." Harry opened the envelope and dropped the obsidian object into his palm, "Is the Resurrection Stone."

Remus looked at Harry and then his eyes travelled to his hand, whether the small, black object lay innocently, "The... Resurrection Stone?"

Severus looked at Remus uneasily, and clenched his jaw. _This is not going to go well._

"Yes," Harry said, "I used it in the Forbidden Forest before I went to meet Voldemort."

"Went to meet Voldemort?"

"There's... so much you don't know," Harry sighed, "We can talk about it all later. Right now, we just need to make sure we get some answers about you if we can."

"Harry..." Remus said quietly, "Who did you see?"

Harry bit his lip, and Severus shot him a warning glare, but the boy's honestly overtook him, "My mum and dad. Sirius. I thought I saw you, but I must... I don't know."

"If you saw them, I could too? I could see my wife?" Remus sounded so fragile that it was undoing Harry and even Severus, who was not an empathetic man.

"I don't know who comes for other people. Did anyone else come for you, Severus?" Harry looked at Snape - genuine curiousify in his voice.

"No," Snape drawled. _Harry... Be careful, boy..._

"You used it?" Remus looked at Severus, "Who did you see?"

Snape merely looked at him, and Remus looked back to Harry quickly, "Harry, you must let me come with you wherever that takes you. You must."

"Lupin..." Severus started, but the wizard turned on him.

"Shut up, Snape! Shut up!" Remus said and his eyes were filled with angry hot tears, "If you got to use it, I should be afforded the same opportunity. That's my wife! My best friends..."

Severus stood and walked around the bed. He stood nose to nose with Remus and he wrestled with the options before him. He could easily overpower Lupin - Lupin had no wand, but he also could not help but to think about how much this opportunity could have helped him in his grief all those years ago after Lily died. At the same time, it could have been utterly devestating and broken him even more.

 _Lily, what do I do?_

He felt the familiar warmth in his chest, and he decided that it was Lupin's choice to make, "This is your decision," Snape said slowly, "You must realize that, no matter who that stone summons for you, for all of us, they cannot stay in our world. It is not possible. You must realize that Potter will take the Stone and he will hide it where no one will ever find it, and that doing so is one everyone's best interest. That is most especially in _our_ best interest," He eyed Lupin.

Remus looked at him for a moment and then shrugged, "Yeah, of course." _He doesn't get it. He doesn't get it._

"Are we able to even do this together?" Harry asked as he looked at the stone in his hand.

"That remains to be seen," Severus said, "Truthfully, I have no interest to see whichever person comes out of the woodwork for the two of you, but I do need to hear things from your mother, Potter, as my questions are for her." _Lily._

He couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt at the thought of seeing Lily again while Hermione lay unconscious on the bed behind him. His work to lay Lily to rest was difficult. Severus turned and walked toward Lavender, waved his wand over her, then the Weasley siblings, and finally Hermione. He pulled the sheet up over her more and touched his thumb to her cheek, conscious of the fact he was being watched like a hawk. The enchanted sleep would keep them unaware, and Poppy would not be back for hours. He stared at Hermione.

 _I love you, witch, more than anything. There is no one for me, but you, but this will always hurt..._

He bowed his head and his shoulder and neck protested angrily and then he turned slowly back to Lupin and Potter, who were looking at him in anticipation, "Shall we?" Snape asked.

Each wizard pinched part of the stone between their thumb and forefinger and Harry said, "We have to turn it over three times. Don't let go of the stone until we're finished."

 _One..._

 _Two..._

Severus closed his eyes.

 _Three..._

"Dora," Lupin whimpered next to him.

Severus held his breath and opened his eyes. Nymphadora stood before them staring at her husband. Her hair was purple, and her steel-blue eyes were filled with tears, "Remus," She said.

Snape looked away from her and saw Lily, who looked from her son to Severus, and then he saw, behind her, stood James Potter, and Sirius Black. Severus glared, but he found no malice on either face.

Remus, who had been focused entirely on Nymphadora, glanced away from her for a moment, "Lily... James... Sirius..."

Sirius chuckled, "Old friend, I was beginning to think we were chopped liver to you!"

 _It's his wife, you fucking ignorant arsehole. Though you never have the pleasure of loving._

Remus fumbled for words, and Severus spoke directly to Lily, who was smiling at her son, "When I asked you to apologize to Lupin, you turned your head. It was like you were listening to someone behind you. Was it him?" He jutted his thumb toward Remus.

Lily smiled sadly, "No. I'm afraid that was James."

"You knew he wasn't dead?"

"We assumed he was dead, as the rest of you had, but we assumed Remus had not yet found his way to us yet."

Severus raised an eyebrow, "What does that mean?"

"When someone dies, they do not automatically reconnect with people they knew in life. It takes time. Nymphadora had not found us at that point either."

Harry spoke, "You had no idea he was still alive?"

Lily looked from Severus to Harry, "No, Harry, but when Nymphadora turned up without him, we grew suspicious, though we had no way to communicate those suspicions to any of you."

"You implied you were omniscient," Severus was growing impatient and felt very much as if his time was being wasted. The fact that James and Sirius were in his line of sight only compounded his moodiness.

"I am. For me. For my life. For the people that I am a part of."

Severus clenched his jaw. _She is a part of me. I know she is._ His chest filled with warmth again.

"Do you remember anything?" Severus asked Nymphadora, who finally tore her eyes from her husband.

Remus was crying and desperately trying to reach out to her with his free hand, whimpering like a small puppy.

"Being up on the tower. Then green," She said. _The Killing Curse._

Severus looked at the floor for a moment and then glanced briefly at Hermione. Nymphadora spoke again, "Wotcher! Always knew you were a romantic at heart, Snapey. A good guy deep down underneath all that black get up."

Snape rolled his eyes dramatically, but he felt heat in his cheeks, "Careful, Nymphadora," He chided.

She glared at him for the full use of his name.

"What do we do, mum?" Harry asked Lily.

"You take care of each other. Greyback is after you. All of you. And that wretched woman - Umbridge. Stick together. No matter what," She advised.

"Yes, it's all very touching and cliche," Snape sneered, "Are we quite finished here?"

Harry looked shocked as he took in Severus' attitude. Remus was wiping his eyes, "Easy," James said.

Snape glared at the elder Potter furiously, "I am not here for you."

James said, "Nor I for you, but here we are," He gestured between him and Sirius, "I owe you a larger debt than I could ever hope to repay. You protected my son."

Severus groaned at the sentimentality, "Spare me, Potter. We all know I did none of it for you."

James nodded, "All the same, Harry is my son, and you saved him. For that, I am eternally grateful. I am sincerely sorry for how I treated you at school."

"DON'T!" Snape bellowed. He caused both Remus and Harry to jump, "I care nothing for your pathetic apologies. They come in far too little supply and far too late."

He turned to let go of the stone angrily, anything to make Potter disappear, but found his fingers glued to the stone.

"Is it truly so hard to believe that you could change, that your heart could change, but ours could not?" Sirius asked.

"You have one?" Severus said dryly.

"Touché," Sirius said, "But we could have assumed the same of you."

"All well and good, Black, but I could not possibly care less about your character reformation. The only thing that has changed about your heart is that it ceased beating." Lupin whimpered next to him at the words, and Severus cringed inwardly, and then he felt the werewolf bristle.

"You are too proud to accept an apology, Severus? After all this time?" James asked.

Lily spoke up, "He is not ready, James. You lot did things to him that would have had anyone else arrested."

Severus clenched his teeth together, and Harry added, "You were wrong. All of you."

Remus, Sirius, and James looked sufficiently shamed, and Severus said lowly, "Are we finished here?"

Harry looked at him empathetically, and nodded, "Yeah, I think we are. We must let go at the same time, I think."

"I can't," Remus said softly, as he stared at his wife

"Remus... Love," Nymphadora said quietly, "Nothing will bring me back - not even this. You must raise our son."

"I can't do it alone, Dora," He sobbed, and Severus felt his heart wrench. _Lupin..._

"You are strong, my husband. Our son needs you, and I'm always with you, but you can't keep me here. It won't work."

Lupin shook his head, "No. I can keep you. I can keep you with me here every day."

"Remus, it doesn't work that way. It's unnatural. We cannot stay in your world," Sirius said gently.

"I don't care! I can keep you with me this way! I can keep you here!" He cried, "I could have my wife, my best friends, with me every day!" He sounded so childlike and it was devastating. _Remus..._

"Lupin, you must let go."

"Shut up, Snape! SHUT UP! I have lost EVERYTHING! EVERYONE!" Lupin was feral now, "If I can keep them like this, then that's what I want to do!"

"They can't survive in our world," Harry said.

"You must let go!" Severus implored the wizard.

"Listen to them, love," Nymphadora said soothingly.

"I can't let you go, Dora..."

"You can't keep her either, Lupin..."

"You don't know how this feels, Severus... Harry doesn't either. This is everyone. My friends. My wife..."

"I don't know how this feels?!" Snape roared, "I lost everything in one person!" He pointed roughly at Lily, "You think I wouldn't want to see her every day? To keep her here? To ease her son's grief, to ease yours? My own?! You think I don't know how it feels to have to let go over and over every day?! THAT IS ALL I'VE TRIED TO DO FOR OVER TWO DECADES AND NOW IT'S ONLY JUST STARTED WORKING!"

Lupin stared at him. The words took a long time to reach him, but when they did, he sobbed. Severus' breaths came in graves and his shoulder throbbed.

Nymphadora spoke quietly, "Let go, Remus, my love. Let go. You are alive. Be alive."

"I have no one..." He cried.

"You have plenty. Take care of our boy, my husband," Dora said, "I am with you always."

"Let go, Lupin," Severus said lowly. The black eyes met Lily's green, and Snape nodded a goodbye once. Lupin dropped his hand to his body and the stone clattered to the floor.

He turned on his heel and fled the infirmary, with Harry chasing after him at his heels. Snape knew then that things would change for him again. That the mere fact that he lived would require more sacrifice and growth. The human experience had a hard time coming to Severus after so many years spent repressing it. He felt fearful, anxious, and he felt a heavy sense of now inescapable grief he had skirted around for most of his life. He remembered a line from he'd heard long ago and refused to accept...

 _'Grief is just love with no place to go.'_


	55. Chapter 55

**Disclaimer: I've taken some bits and parts of quotes from The Cursed Child. Honestly, I'm not a fan of Cursed Child (we've seen Severus die once and that was bad enough), but there were quotes that resonate!**

After transfiguring his chair into one more comfortable, Severus slumped down next to Hermione's bed. He dug through his pocket and pulled a vial of pain potion out, uncorked it, and swallowed the entire contents. Then he stared at Hermione.

The wound on her cheekbone was just an angry pink line. _For now._ It would disappear. The splinching at her elbow was minor, but the mere reality of it make his stomach churn. There were so many things that he could not save her from. Tears stung his eyes, and he pinched the bridge of his nose in an effort to stop them from falling, and willed himself to become numb. He failed miserably.

"Severus..." Albus said from the wall.

Severus jumped and then sighed, "Bloody hell, Albus..."

"We cannot protect anyone from harm, even the young. Pain must and will come."

"She does not deserve this," He said lowly as he watched her chest rise and fall.

"It is not a question of deserving it or not. It is a necessary flaw in living. To live, to love, is to suffer - in some way, shape, or form. Suffering is as human as breathing."

"How pleasant," Severus sneered.

"I am so sorry for my contributions to your suffering, Severus," Albus said softly, and it caught Severus off guard. He was already feeling emotionally vulnerable and he stroked his thumb over Hermione's hand gently.

"You certainly made a great many things more difficult for me," Severus sighed, "But I, so to speak, made my bed."

"I failed you. As a teacher. As a mentor. As an employer. As a friend," Albus admitted.

Severus shut his eyes for a moment, "Come now, Albus," He opened his dark eyes, "We were never friends. It was business."

"Because I made you believe so, Severus," Albus said, "Of course I loved you, and I knew that it would happen all over again, that where I loved, I would cause irreparable damage," Severus' dark eyes found the portrait's as Dumbledore, his voice heavy and thick with emotion, continued, "I am no fit person to love. I have never loved without causing harm."

Severus' mouth dropped open slightly as he took in the man's words. _'Of course I loved you.'_

"Yes, well," Severus swallowed the lump in his throat, "I suppose that makes two of us, Dumbledore. Besides... If love is suffering, then we decide who is worth suffering for. Or so Minerva says."

Albus peered down at the younger wizard, "One person. All it takes is one person."

Severus looked confused, and Dumbledore held up a hand and continued, "You believed in Lily. You loved Lily. You gave her your allegiance as a boy, and as a man, you grew to believe in the cause she fought and died for. One person changed the course of your life. Now, look at Miss Granger," Albus looked at the sleeping woman.

Severus' eyes raked over her thin form, "What are you getting at, Albus?"

"One person - that's all it takes. One person has the capacity to profoundly impact the lives of another. She has changed your life in the most amazing and beautiful ways, Severus. As a human being, as your teacher, your headmaster, I owed it to you to be one of those people for you - friend, a helping hand, to have a positive impact, and I failed."

"It worked out in the end, I suppose," Severus said, his voice was low and deep, "Some costs are made to be borne."

"You deserved more, my boy," Albus assured him. His words trickled down Severus' spine and Snape's eyes stung.

Severus cleared his throat to speak again, but he heard footsteps and hushed voices in the corridor. His eyes flashed at Albus, and then he leaned back against the chair, his hair draping most of his eyes, and feigned sleep.

Remus and Harry walked back into the infirmary and approached Ginny's bed. Remus' hair was messy, and he was sniffling heavily. He turned and glanced over his shoulder at Severus.

"Do you think he's really asleep?" Harry smirked as he followed Lupin's gaze.

Remus shrugged and sighed, "You are sure about Severus, Harry?

"Yes," Harry said firmly. _Harry..._

"I went to school with him..." Remus said.

"Yes, and we all know how that went for him, don't we?" Potter's voice was sharp.

"I know you do not like what you've seen, but we were boys, Harry."

"I was one, too, and I never did any of that to anyone else," Harry said confidently.

Remus sighed, "When I worked here, he brewed the Wolfsbane potion for me perfectly. I didn't have to suffer so much each month because of him," The wizard acknowledged, "But the things he was into at school...

"You were into things too - bullying, abuse, humiliation..." _I am sure James is rolling in his grave._

Remus cut him off, "He wasn't entirely innocent. He did things. He's done things." _Oh, yes, indeed I have._

"I trust Severus Snape." _Harry..._

Remus grunted, "You sound like Dumbledore."

"Let it go, Remus," Harry snapped, "Look, he and Dumbledore... They were great men with huge flaws, and you know what? Those flaws almost made them greater."

 _Oh, Harry..._

Remus didn't speak, and Harry said, "We should try to sleep." He bent over Ginny's sleeping form and kissed her forehead, then returned to the bed next to Hermione and crawled in. Remus took a bed furthest away from everyone, and his exhaustion quickly overwhelmed him. He was snoring softly in minutes.

Harry peered at Severus, "Goodnight, Severus."

Snape's eyes found Harry's, and there was a look is vulnerable disbelief on Severus' face, "Goodnight, Harry."

Severus watched as the younger wizard, one whom he had spent so many years resenting and envying, fell into sleep quickly. There was no sleep to be found for Severus that night. His eyes focused on Hermione and his ears listened to each breath she took, each soft snore, each dreamy sigh. She was, truly, the only woman for him - the only woman who would put up with his grumpy demeanor, his sharp tongue, his quick temper, his sarcasm - the only one who could match his intelligence and wit step for step, the only one who could tease him and push him to be better.

 _You are it, Hermione._ He leaned over and picked her tiny hand up off the bed and kissed her knuckles.

' _All it takes is one person.'_

 _'You deserved more.'_

 _'Those flaws made them greater.'_


	56. Chapter 56

When the sun began to peek in through the stained glass windows, Poppy appeared.

"Severus, dear boy," She touched his cheek, "Have you slept at all?"

"There is no rest for the wicked, Madam," Severus said. His voice was gruff.

She raised her eyebrows, "Then you should be sleeping well."

His dark eyes stayed focused on Hermione, "I enchanted their sleep, but I am certain it has worn off by now."

Poppy nodded and tapped his coat. It disappeared and she examined his scarring. She walked over to her cabinet and pulled healing and scarring salve and a pain potion. As he downed the potion, she stood directly in front of him and measured the scar, "It is shrinking a bit."

"Is it? I must admit I avoid looking at it," He shrugged painfully.

"It certainly is, boy," She nodded at him again and moved to apply the salve.

His hand was quick and it grabbed her wrist, "Poppy..."

"Severus, I've done this for you a thousand times a thousand other nights before the war," She said and rolled her eyes.

"Yes, and the difference between today and those nights is that I am fully conscious," He said darkly.

"Oh, you were conscious most of those nights too," She said, "I remember several good tongue lashings and many a swear word."

Severus grimaced as her cold fingers touched his sensitive scarring again, "I can bloody well do it, woman!" He grumbled and grabbed the salve from her, stuck his fingers into the paste, and began to massage it into his shoulder.

"You are a stubborn fool, Severus Snape," She said and moved to walk away from him, "And you need to be eating more!"

He grunted in response and, when she moved, he saw eyes on him. Everyone's eyes. Except Hermione, who slept peacefully still.

"Severus..." Remus said, "What happened?"

Remus' eyes stared at Snape's scarred skin. The red and white angry scars stretched down his pectoral muscle, against the bottom of his neck narrowly missing the jugular, down his trapezius muscle, and all the way out to the ball of his shoulder. Severus flushed intensely and magically put his white shirt on his chest again. The moisture from the salve stuck to his shirt and wetted it through.

"None came out of the war unscathed, Lupin," Severus said uncomfortably, "Even me."

Lupin looked at him stunned, "What creature did that to you?"

Severus grimaced and Harry spoke for him, "Nagini."

"The snake?"

Severus winced at the thought of the snake, remembering how it had lunged at him.

Harry nodded, "Yeah."

Ron was looking at Severus. His blue eyes were wide and his cheeks were pale and he had his left arm in a sling.

"Why?" The shock in Remus' voice was heavy.

"Surely, you didn't think that the double-agent traitor would survive? Or at least survive intact?" Severus' voice was cold. He stood and walked around Hermione's bed and handed Harry the folded envelope with the Resurrection Stone inside it.

"No, but I just... What is it with you, Severus? I just don't understand," Remus said, "I want to understand."

Severus glared at him and raised an eyebrow, "And if I do not wish to be understood?"

"You'd be a liar," Remus said, "That's all you've ever wanted, isn't it? Since you were just a boy..."

Snape sneered, and he opened his mouth to respond, but something tugged at his coat from behind. He turned to see Hermione, and he immediately kneeled next to her, "Hermione. How are you feeling?"

She smiled at him weakly. There were dark circles under her eyes, and the mark on her cheek was still healing and fading. He reached up, forgetting for a moment that they were being watched, and cradled her face in his right hand. Realizing what he'd done, he dropped his hand, swallowed, and he felt himself blushing.

"He's right, you know," She said quietly and nodded toward Remus, "You do want to be understood."

Severus sighed as she raised her hand and held a small vial with silvery memories floating around inside it. He looked at her curiously and she said, "They're mine."

His eyes brightened in understanding, and he looked hesitant.

 **I won't betray you again.**

 _He already knows about Lily. He... Was at school with us. He already knows._

 **It's your decision, love.**

He took the vial from her and stared at it for a moment. He sighed heavily and then stood and turned to Remus. Lavender was being tended to by Poppy and she was speaking quietly to Ronald, who was watching Snape closely. Harry, sensing the need for privacy, quickly stood and padded over to Ginny's bed and spoke with her.

Lupin walked closer to Severus and Severus held up the vial, "No more questions, Lupin. No more."

"I won't question you again, Severus," Lupin said seriously, "I wish only to understand. You can trust that."

"No," Severus said sharply, "I can, however, trust her. Take them to the Headmistress' office. Give them back at lunch. We will meet you there around 12:30. I will take them," He gestured to the wizards and witches in the beds, "to my rooms so that they can rest more comfortably."

Lupin looked at the trembling proffered hand that held the vial, and took it. Severus turned quickly, "Poppy, I will take them to my rooms. They need rest in proper beds with privacy."

Poppy nodded, "You know I'll have to bug you frequently, especially for Mr. Weasley."

"Mr. Weasley has been a thorn in my side for going on eight years," He said, "They all have been such. I am quite used to it by now. Moreover, I have grown quite fond of the nuisance. Well, most of it anyway."

The young witches and wizards chuckled and moved to get out of bed. Lavender stood on crutches, and the group made their way slowly to his rooms.

"Thanks for breaking us outta there, Snape," Ron offered.

Severus said nothing, but he held Hermione tightly by her waist with his right arm as they moved gingerly down the corridor to his rooms. Once there, Ginny and Harry moved to their bedroom to rest, and Ron and Lavender did the same.

"See you lot for lunch? Time for a nap, I expect, and then a chat," Ron nodded.

Severus helped Hermione to his bed and, once she was comfortable, he stroked her hair, "Hermione, I thought I'd lost you again."

"Never, Severus."

"I must hear everything. Of the trip. Your parents. The duel." _I'm so sorry, Hermione._

"Can it wait, please?"

His stomach twisted at the unknown, but he resigned when he saw how worn out she looked, "Of course."

"I missed you."

"Merlin, Hermione, I missed you," He bent down, painfully, and pressed his lips to hers lightly, "I missed you."

When he pulled away, he saw her honey eyes sparkle, "I love you, Severus."

"I love you," He returned, "I thought... You know..."

She furrowed her brow, "What's troubling you?" She grabbed his hand and held it in both of hers.

"I thought for a moment that you had left me," He looked away from her face.

She squeezed his hand, "Look at me."

He obeyed, and she said, "I love you, Severus Snape. I will not leave you."

He nodded, "It was stupid, really," He said uncertainly, "I'm sorry." _I'm so sorry._

"It's not stupid, Severus. It's brave of you to voice your insecurities."

He looked deeply into her eyes and, for a moment, time stopped. His eyes were dark, two obsidian orbs, as they stared into her whiskey and honey colored eyes.

He spoke so quietly that, even for all their proximity, she had to strain to hear his words: "Thank you for being my light in the darkness." _I love you._

Her eyes filled with tears, and then she smiled. He kissed the top of her head softly, and the laid down beside her and held her close to his body as he drifted off to sleep.

 _The light in all of my darkness._


	57. Chapter 57

Severus woke to a soft knocking from his quarters. He slid out of bed reluctantly and walked to the door. When he opened it, he was faced with a distraught Lupin. _Fuck._

"Lupin?"

Remus pushed his way into his room, and Severus rolled his eyes, "Please, come in," He said humorlessly. _Arse._

"You did all that?" Remus said as he wiped his eyes, "It was all orchestrated? Dumbledore's death? You were with us the whole time?"

"I've no idea what Hermione showed you," He said as he narrowed his eyes, "But that is the basic gist, I suppose," Severus said coolly. He was, truly, quite uncomfortable to have an emotionally volatile and grieving werewolf in his quarters.

"But how?" Remus' voice cracked, "How did you manage that?"

"I merely did what was necessary."

"You did all of that nearly on your own?"

Severus' face darkened and he calculated little risk in being honest with the wizard, "I was not one that had people lining up at the door to befriend me. Being alone was, by then, nearly second-nature. I did have Dumbledore on my side, though I don't know that he was on my side. He, as the puppeteer, pulled my strings, I suppose, to keep my nose to the guilt grind. To do so required him to maintain a level of intimacy with and proximity to me. I had acquaintances - other professors - but, in it... In the thick of it, I was alone. Until I requested, more begged, Hermione to be my Secret Keeper. Even still, even with her as an ally and eventual partner, I endured much on my own."

Remus looked horrified, "If you had died... If you had died, and your whole life was spent so lonely, so solitary..."

"Don't," Snape said firmly and grimaced. _Please don't,_ "I do not want pity, least of all from you."

"I do not pity you, Severus," Remus said quietly.

Severus shifted his weight to his other foot in discomfort, and crossed his arms over his chest, as best as he could, "What do you want then, Lupin?"

Remus scratched at his neck and then ran his hand through his hair. He looked at Severus, and then at the floor, then met the dark eyes once more, "I don't _want_ anything from you."

Severus looked skeptical, "Everyone wants something."

"You and Hermione..." He said quietly, "You love her?"

Severus scowled, "Ah, so you want to lecture me? You want to tell me I am a lecher? Threaten my life should I ever harm her?"

Remus looked at him, "You truly hate me, Severus."

Severus was taken aback. _Do I?_ He didn't. He didn't hate Remus. He was jealous of Remus. He had always been jealous of Remus. Remus was an outcast just like he had been, but Lupin had been taken up, cared for, and he had friends.

"No," Severus said simply.

Remus looked at him, "I was not going to criticize you. I was going to suggest you cherish every moment. I would give anything for another moment..." His voice broke and he squeezed his eyes shut tight.

Severus' heart lurched, "I am... I am sorry, Remus," He said softly and his dark eyes dropped to the stone floor.

"You're right, you know that?" Remus said bitterly, "I am the cowardly lion you always thought I was. I was a coward in so many ways and times and spaces. Does it make you happy? Being right?"

"Being right, in any instance as of late, gives me absolutely no pleasure," Severus said coldly, "I do not think coward is the most accurate term regardless."

The Slytherin's thoughts immediately turned dark, agonizing over how it felt to lose Lily, how much worse it would feel to lose Hermione, how awful the word 'coward' sounded...

Remus pulled himself together, refusing to break completely, and willed his voice steady, "I want us to be able to move forward, Severus. Is that possible? Can you forgive me for doing nothing in your defense all of those years? Can you forgive me for the choices my friends made? Can you forgive me for nearly killing you on the full moon all those years ago? Can you..." His voice wavered, "I am sorry."

Severus' dark eyes took him in. He was grieving, broken, defeated, injured. _Would I have done any different?_

"I am not entirely certain I would have been able to do anything for you if the situations had been reversed, if I were the one with friends and you the target," Severus said, "I cannot forget what was done. I cannot go back and undo anything that was done, or said. If I could, my life would look drastically different. Forgiveness is not one of my strengths, I'll admit."

Remus' eyes moved back to the floor and Severus continued, "Still, I find myself in uncharted territory. I did not anticipating surviving the war, yet I did. I believe it would be to our mutual benefit to work on moving forward. I cannot forget, but forgiveness is a process."

Remus nodded and ran a shaky hand through his hair, and Severus was silent. The werewolf stepped forward toward Snape, his blood shot blue eyes locking with black, and outstretched his right hand, "Forward?"

Severus looked at the man's hand, to his eyes, and then back to his hand before slowly extending his slender fingered hand and shaking Lupin's firmly, "Forward."

"Don't move!" Hermione's voice was cold behind Severus. Her wand was trembling in her hand as she held them both in her sights.

"Hermione," Severus started, but she cut him off.

"What album played in the background the first time you kissed me?" She avoided his eyes.

 _She's scared it's not me._ "A Jolly Christmas from Frank Sinatra."

She relaxed a bit and then fixed her wand intensely on Lupin's chest, "When did I work out that you were a werewolf?"

Lupin gave a small smile, "When he," Remus pointed at Severus, "set that essay in your third year."

"Remus?" Her voice cracked. _Remus?_

"Hermione..." He said, and she crushed herself into the man's chest.

Severus felt a surge of jealousy rise up in his chest and he clenched his jaw. _No. Don't. No._ He knew that, during what should have been Hermione's seventh year, Remus had had semi-frequent contact with the trio, that he'd been a support system, and that Potter had sent him packing, dubbing him a 'coward' when he tried to join the three rather than stay at his pregnant wife's side. Hermione liked Lupin, maybe even loved him. _Platonically._

"I thought it was a dream, Remus," She was crying into Remus' chest. Her use of the wolf's first name grated on Severus' nerves like nails on a chalkboard, but Hermione was a caring person, full of empathy, and capable of deep and abiding friendship. He knew better, now at least, than to cause a scene. _Wolf._

"It's a rather bad one if it is," Remus mumbled as he held her tightly, "Dora..."

"I have no idea what's going on," Hermione sniffed, "I am so sorry for your loss, Remus. Having you with us, with Teddy, is a gift beyond measure. We're your family, and we will help you through anything," She pulled back a bit to look at the wizard's tear-stained face. _Family?_

Remus smiled a bit, kissed the top of her head in a familial way, and then glanced at Severus. Catching the glint in Severus' eye, he pulled back, "I am not sure Severus will be so inclined," He smirked a bit through his sadness.

Snape glared at him, and then looked at Hermione. He stiffened when he caught the ferocity of her gaze. _Fuck me. What have I done now?_ "I have learned, slowly, to follow her lead if I should wish to keep my head firmly attached to my body," He nodded at Hermione, whose chest puffed up proudly, "Though my proximity to her has seen me set on fire, has seen me stunned and knocked out, and nearly killed me on more than one occasion. All in all, I feel as if I fare better if I let her lead me."

Remus looked at Severus curiously, "You really have changed, Severus." _No. I am more me than I have ever been._

Severus grunted, and one of the doors behind them open. Harry and Ginny walked out, each cradling splinched hands, and Potter's free arm rested lovingly around her waist.

Hermione looked at Harry, Remus, and Ginny, "Coffee? Tea?"

"Coffee," Harry nodded, and Ginny agreed.

Hermione looked at Remus, who looked at Severus apprehensively, "Remus?"

"I'm being hosted in Snape's quarters for coffee?"

Snape sneered, "You'll do well to remember, Lupin, that I didn't offer you anything."

Hermione touched Snape's back in a way that relaxed his tense posture immediately, and had him craving more contact, and Remus smirked, "Coffee would be lovely, Hermione."

 _Prick._

"So, should we wake Ron and Lavender?" Harry said and looked at the closed door. Ginny nodded and Harry pounded on the door, "Ron?!"

Snape rolled his eyes, "WEASLEY! BROWN! Get out here! Now!" Severus, who did not need to raise his voice to impress seriousness, bellowed through the door. He turned and his dark eyes settled on Hermione, who was in his kitchen brewing coffee.

Ron and Lavender stumbled from the room. His face was nearly as red as his hair, and he mumbled, "Not fair, Snape. Your voice is the stuff from nightmares."

Severus paid no mind and walked to Hermione, and whispered into her ear, "Are you alright?"

She gave a slight nod, but her hands trembled as she set the coffee pot with her wand. He touched his fingers to hers briefly, in a way that was hidden from the rest of the people in the room, and she shrugged him off. His dark eyes narrowed. She avoided his eyes and had the coffee pour itself into cups that then floated over to the other people.

"Remus?" She asked as she sat down on the couch. Severus had followed her with his eyes, and then moved to sit near her. He kept a respectable and careful distance between the two of them as she finished her question, "I'm sorry, but I'm not sure how to phrase this in a better way... How are you here, exactly?"

As Remus explained his story, Severus focused only on Hermione. There wasn't much of a story for the werewolf, as no one had really any idea how he was still alive and how he had been taken without anyone noticing. _Hermione..._

Hermione was careful in her body language toward Severus. She was not upset with him, but he could tell she most certainly was upset. When the conversation turned to discussing their trip to Australia, she became even more closed off toward him. Within a minute of discussing the trip, she walked toward the bedroom silently. Harry's green eyes had followed her, and so had Snape's black eyes. Harry stared at Snape and Snape, sensing his gaze, glanced at Harry and then stood and walked to his bedroom after Hermione. _Oh, no..._

He shut the door quietly behind him, silenced it, and looked at her. She was rubbing at her bandaged elbow.

"Does it hurt?" He asked. Truly, he was hoping that her pain was physical, though he knew it wasn't. _Hermione._

She shook her head quickly, "Severus, please..."

He took three long strides and crossed the bedroom. His hands were on her ribs at once, "What can I do? I will do anything."

"Let me rest..." She said as a few rebellious tears spilled from her eyes.

"You do not wish to be present when they speak about your traveling..." It was a question, but not really. She didn't need to answer. _I'm so sorry._

"I will stay with you," He said softly, and his right hand cupped her cheek.

"You will not," She said, "Harry will tell you. Ron. They'll tell you. You need to know... You and I... We can speak later, tonight perhaps..."

"You do not want to go to lunch?"

"You will be speaking for a long time," She said, and her eyes drifted to the floor, "You're better off having lunch brought to you."

Severus studied her face, and then said, "I would do anything for you." _Anything._

"I know," She said quietly, "So please let me rest..."

"You want Dreamless Sleep?"

"Yes, and a pain potion for you," She said, and then nodded at his shoulder.

"How did you..." He raised an eyebrow.

"I know you," She said and she swallowed the potion as he did his. _Wonderful woman. Perfect woman._

She curled up into his bed, on his side, on his pillow, and he stroked her hair for a moment until she drifted off into sleep. Dreamless Sleep allows for someone to drift off quickly and he was thankful for that for her.

He knew he needed to return to his sitting room, that the Gryffindors on the other side of the door were waiting on him, but he stared at her for just a moment longer before rising. He looked down at her sleeping form and took in all that she was. He remembered a muggle book he'd read long ago by Charles Dickens as he stared down at the witch in his bed...

' _I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.'_


	58. Chapter 58

Severus returned to his sitting room as Harry was apologizing to Remus for calling him a coward. Remus held up his hand to stop Harry.

"Harry, you were right to call me out on my cowardice. I had good intentions, to help you, but I was running from things in my own life that were causing me anxiety and discomfort. You were right. My place was with Dora..." Remus assures him, "We named you godfather for a reason."

Harry gave a small smile, "Yeah. It's an honor, really."

 _Godfather? Potter?_

Severus sat quietly and Remus looked at him, "Is she okay?"

 _Why are you asking?_ Severus' eyes flickered, and he said softly, "She is tired, I expect."

"She's a mess, Severus," Harry said.

Severus looked at him and paled slightly, and Harry continued, "When we got to Australia, it wasn't long before we found her parents. She just watched them for about a day or so, to see how they were doing, if they were happy. Then, she started approaching them, having us approach them - small talk - while she tried to manipulate their memories."

Severus grimaced, knowing it had been unsuccessful.

Ron explained, "It was about... What? A couple days later? She realized nothing could be done. She sort of lost it. She was crying a lot, even in her sleep. She'd say your name in her sleep, cry out for you even. When we talked to her about options, she..."

Severus looked at him, and Ginny spoke up, "Hermione said she thought perhaps she should have let them die, and then she was devastated that she'd said something so selfish, that allowing her parents a life was better than them being murdered at the hands of some Death Eaters. We resolved to help her move them somewhere else. She wasn't confident that Australia was safe for them anymore, and that gut instinct saved them, I think."

"I told her we could fix it," Severus said darkly.

"What do you mean?" Harry said.

"I learned that her family was to be targeted, that your family was as well," Severus' eyes moved between the two Weasley's, "And I panicked. I demanded she send them into hiding, that she force the same upon your family. Her family are muggles and are totally incapable of defending themselves against magic. I suggested wiping their memories. It wasn't really a suggestion though, as it's the only thing I presented to her as an option. In my mind, no knowledge of magic, of her, was the safest thing."

He paused for a moment and sat alarmingly still. He took a breath and continued, "I told her we could set them right after the war."

"You didn't know you couldn't?" Harry asked.

"I think, rationally, I would have known we could not, or that it would be very difficult and tricky, but I wasn't...rational."

"It's not your fault," Ginny said, "You were trying to protect her, to protect us."

"By essentially orphaning her?" Severus said dryly, "I took her parents from her in the worst way."

"You were trying to help," Remus said.

"It doesn't matter what I was trying to do," Severus growled, "I acted hastily out of panic."

"How long did you have between finding out her family were a target and moving them to Australia?" Remus asked.

Severus thought for a moment, "A few hours at most."

"You protected her in the only way you could think of, in the most certain way possible. She doesn't blame you," Harry said.

"She should," Severus said, "I do. Her parents live, yes, but without her. Without knowledge of their daughter, of her, and she must live knowing they live and know nothing of her. She loves them as much as she ever has, and yet there is nowhere for that love to go, or no way for it to be returned."

Harry cracked his knuckles, "Nobody blames you for this except for you. You did what you felt was best. You didn't do it to hurt her."

Severus looked at him, "I must find a way to fix it."

Harry said, "She moved them to New Zealand the next day. She didn't wipe their memories, just influenced them, and we were attacked that night by Greyback and several of his followers."

"How did they find you?" Remus asked.

"No idea," Lavender said, "We were careful, but not careful enough apparently. The duel was awful and long. Had Kingsley not shown up with those aurors when he did..." She shuddered. _They would have been killed, or captured, and I would have lost her._

Severus' thoughts were grim and self-deprecating. _I ruined so much for her._ He knew she was too kind to blame him, or accept that he blamed himself, but she needed to know how sorry he was for her pain, for having such a large role in it. _I'm so sorry, Hermione._ He kept his face impassive.

Ginny said, "When Kingsley and the aurors grabbed us to apparate all of us, we were all so tired and drained that we couldn't apparate well. That's why we were all splinched."

"Kingsley apparated you from Sydney, Australia to the Scottish Highlands. That is over 16,000 kilometers," Severus said, "He's lucky he didn't kill all of you."

Ginny's eyes went wide, "Bloody hell."

Harry studied Severus for about a minute, and then said, "Severus, you cannot blame yourself."

Snape shook his head and remained silent, so Ron asked, "Do you... Do you want some time with her? So you can speak?"

"She asked for Dreamless Sleep," Severus said quietly. _I'm such a fool._

"Do you want some time on your own?" Harry asked. _I don't want to be alone._

Severus shrugged pathetically, and Remus looked between Severus and the younger wizards, "My wand is in my grave?"

Severus looked at Remus and nodded, and Remus said, "Ronald needs to return to Madam Pomfrey, all of you do, before she hunts you all down."

Harry nodded, "You and I can go fetch your wand, Remus."

Remus shook his head, "You should get your hand looked at...Severus, will you come with me?" _Why?_

Severus looked suspicious of Remus, and then glanced at the bedroom door. Remus said, "If you gave her Dreamless Sleep, she will be out for at least a couple hours."

"Probably two to three," Severus admitted.

"Walk with me, then?"

The dark eyes narrowed, and then the wizard stood. They filed out of Severus' quarters and the younger witches and wizards headed off to the infirmary, moving slowly to accomodate Lavender's pace on crutches.

Severus and Remus walked fairly slowly, for Severus at least, to the graveyard. They stood before the graves, and Severus knelt, stuck his wand in the earth, and summoned Remus' wand. He stood and handed the werewolf his wand.

Remus ran his finger along the wand, "Cypress. Unicorn hair."

Severus looked out toward the Forest, and Remus asked, "What about yours?"

"Ebony. Dragon heartstring," Severus said smoothly, "But you didn't ask me here to discuss wands." _What do you want?_

"Look," Remus pointed his wand at Tonks' headstone, and flowers appeared, "That's my wife, Severus. That's..." His voice broke, "That's the mother of my child. No amount of time would have been enough, but what I had was far too little by any standard." _I'm sorry._

Severus looked at the younger witch's name etched into the stone, and Remus continued, "This is what you could have been doing for Hermione's parents. I do not know what it feels like to love someone who has no memory of you but lives, but I do know that I would prefer it to loving someone who is dead, to missing someone I'll never see again in this lifetime. I'm sure she feels empty, but this is permanent in every way," Remus wiped his eyes.

Severus was silent, and Remus spoke again, "You could have been bringing her to her parent's graves. Instead, they live. It isn't ideal, what's happened. It's messy. Everything is in war, but they're alive, and that's... That's much better than this... I have lost enough people to know that nearly any level of life is better than this," He gestured to the graveyard around them, "They are healthy. Well. In love. Together. You allowed them that."

Severus looked away and out toward the Forest again, "I never meant to hurt her. I never meant for her to suffer. I never meant for any of them to die. You've no idea of all the losses... I would have done anything... Your wife was a good woman, an honorable woman," Severus said.

"She was one of your first students?"

"I began teaching in 1981. She started school in 1984."

"You were, if I recall, the youngest professor to ever be employed at Hogwarts?"

"Yes," Severus said, "Though that was more due to the nature of my _relationship_ with Dumbledore, I am sure."

"Do not sell yourself short, Severus. You are, by far, one of the brightest wizards Hogwarts has ever seen," Remus quipped.

Severus merely shrugged uncomfortably. _I don't know why he is being kind to me._

"You'll have children someday?" Remus asked.

Severus' cheeks flushed a bit, "Perhaps."

Remus chuckled, "I almost pity the other students, Severus. They'll stand no chance against the intelligence of any child you and Hermione bring into this world. Now, if you don't mind," Remus cleared his throat, "I'd like some time with my wife."

Severus nodded and turned away to head back to the castle, but Remus hand on his arm stopped him briefly, "You did the right thing, the best thing, given the circumstances, Severus," and then he let go of Severus, and Severus walked toward the castle.

 _Regret is my constant companion._


	59. Chapter 59

When Severus returned to his quarters, he found himself restless. He was wrestling with the words he longed to say to Hermione, but knew he should not wake her. _She needs rest._

He sat down at his kitchen table with a piece of parchment and quill.

 _Hermione,_

 _Agh... Bugger, Severus._ He used his wand and whisked away the ink.

 _Dearest Hermione,_

 _There is no way for me to adequately express the guilt and regret that I feel in regards to the situation concerning your parents and their memories. Your pain and your suffering in this is very much my responsibility and, for that, I am tremendously sorry. I did not suggest what I did to hurt you. The mere fact that I have, for the time being, essentially orphaned you is one of my greatest sources of shame. I beg your forgiveness._

 _I know that, rationally, I suggested what I did out of panic, that I honestly felt that no knowledge or memory of magic, or of you, would be the safest option for your family. It seemed, to me, at the time, the surest way to protect them. I had no ill intent, and sought only to spare your parents' lives. In doing so, in acting out of panicked haste, my suggestion has severely impacted your life. I now know that I have hurt you, inadvertently, by suggesting what I did, and it is nearly unbearable. I wished only to help but, as usual, I did much harm in attempt to help. I do not know what would have done if I could go back, but I would choose anything else. I would give anything to spare you the grief that you feel now. It is not your fault._

 _With this knowledge, and a now clear head, I pledge to you that I will do anything and everything within my power and capabilities to mend your parents' memories so that you can reunite with them fully. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do to make life easier for you, to make life better for you._ _You are, truly and without a shadow of a doubt, the absolute love of my life. I am a better man because I have you in my life. You have been, for some time now, and will always be my lighthouse. With you, I am more whole than I have ever been, more me than I have ever been, and I feel... happy. Hermione, I do not think I can ever impress upon you the significance you have had in my life._

 _Please know that I mean only to help you, and that I am sorry for how I have hurt you and for the current state of your relationship with your parents. I mean to help, yet sometimes all I do is harm. I am committed to you and only you. I will do what I can to make things right for all the days of my life. I am not an easy man to tolerate, and I imagine that loving me proves even more difficult. You are a saint for staying with me, and I will never feel as if I could ever deserve you. You are, beyond measure, intelligent, strong, and beautiful. I cherish and adore you most ardently._

 _Yours always,_

 _Severus_

He looked at the letter, charm a red rose out of thin air, and walked to the bedroom. He watched her sleep for a moment and then set the letter down on the bedside table and laid the rose on top of it. _Pathetic sap of a man you've become, Severus._

Severus returned to his living area and read two of his Potions magazines before the bedroom door creaked open. His eyes peered over the magazine at Hermione, who was crying.

"Severus..." She emerged from the darkness of the bedroom, "Your letter..."

He stood, dropped the magazine to the chair, and walked to her. He stopped in front of her, not wanting to push his neediness onto her.

She looked up him through her tears and said, "It's not your fault, and I don't blame you, Severus."

His black eyes stung with tears and he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Hermione."

She touched his cheek with the hand on her uninjured arm, "You are such a sweet man, Severus."

Severus pulled her into his chest and held her tightly while she cried. He stroked her hair, kissed her forehead, and whispered his affections to her. When she calmed, she listened to his heart pounding against his breast and repeated, "You are so sweet."

"To you, and only you," He said gruffly, "Tell no one. I have a reputation to maintain."

She could practically hear his smirk without looking at his face, and she squeezed him closer. He smelled her hair. _Almond. Shea._ There were no better scents in the world for him, and for her... _teakwood. Mahogany._ They relished in the feel of the other person, and then Hermione's stomach growled.

"You must be famished," Severus said lowly.

"Yes," She agreed, "Where is everyone else?"

"I am unsure. We can stop by the hospital wing and ask after them," He suggested, "You'll need to get that looked at," He looked at her bandage around her right elbow.

"It's not that bad, really," She shrugged and pulled away. She grabbed his right hand with her left, and they walked toward the door, "I think I'd quite like a drink, Severus. A strong drink."

"Perhaps we can convince Horace to entertain the riff raff of your friends? His drinks are the strongest."

"If you ask him, I'm sure he would!" She smiled slightly.

"Hermione, there is no one in this world who would be weaker for me than for you," He chided as he gazed at her as they walked. She was still holding his hand, publicly, through the school's halls.

"I am pretty weak for you," She said lowly.

"Oh, yes?" He raised an eyebrow as she looked at him coyly. A fire stirred in his belly.

"I'll show you later. If you behave," She winked. _Witch._

"You are a wicked woman, Hermione Granger," He groaned.

 _A wickedly wonderful witch._


	60. Chapter 60

The next month progressed slowly. Severus made strides in physical therapy with his shoulder, but his tremors were regular and occurred at least twice daily. It made his magic unpredictable at times when it occurred while he was holding his wand.

On a Friday, Severus, in the middle of a bout of tremors, dropped a teacup and it shattered all over the stone floor in his sitting room. Hermione's honey eyes fixed on his back, and then she approached him slowly. His hands were balled up into fists at his sides and he was standing very still.

"Severus?" She asked quietly. She moved around in front of him and saw that his face was very pale and his eyes were shut tightly. His jaw was twitching dangerously. "It's just a teacup, love."

"It is not just a teacup," He seethed. _It's not._

"It is," She said. "These tremors aren't permanent."

"That remains to be seen," His voice was low and his eyes were still shut as he wrestled for control of his temper. For all his progress and growth in many areas, this was still Snape after all. His temper was legendary. _Damn that bloody war._

She looked at the shattered cup at their feet and, recognizing it was beyond repair, whisked it away quickly. Hermione stepped closer to him and grabbed his fists in each of her hands, "Severus, look at me."

He grunted, but obliged, and there was black fire behind his eyes. She spoke softly, "Whatever this is, we can manage it. However long it lasts. Even if it's permanent."

"That is not comforting," He grimaced. _At all._

"We can manage this, Severus. We've managed everything else."

"I am fucking useless, Hermione," He growled.

"That's what you think?" Her face wrinkled with worry.

"That's what I know," He said emphatically. "I can't write or turn pages in books consistently. I can't be relied on to hold things because Merlin only knows when they will invariably crash to the floor out of my shaking hands, and I am having more accidental magic than a child any time the tremors start whilst I am holding my wand. It's pathetic."

"No. You're not pathetic," She squeezed his hands. "You are not pathetic. These tremors... It's trauma, Sev. Trauma."

"It's weakness," He said through his teeth as he avoided her eyes. _It's pathetic._

She sighed, and his eyes snapped to her, "Annoyed with me, are you?"

"Honestly?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes."

"My apologies, Granger," He sneered and stepped away her.

"It's annoying when I try to comfort you and you won't have it," She sounded frustrated. "It's annoying when I try to be there for you and you push everything away. It's annoying that get so closed off from everything. It's annoying that you won't even listen to anything I try to say to help you."

His eyes darkened considerably as she spoke, "If you find me so annoying, why do you subject yourself to me?"

"Because I love you, you idiot."

That was disarming for Snape. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and sighed, "I'm sorry, Hermione."

She stepped to him and wrapped her arms around his thin frame, "I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry you're still suffering."

He didn't say anything, but she could hear his heart beating wildly inside his rib cage. She rubbed her hand in comforting circles over his back.

"Did you hear that Minerva is going to offer Remus the Transfiguration post? Teddy would be able to come live with him here."

Severus grunted in response, and she smiled into his chest, "I know how much you love children."

"That menace could hardly be considered a real child. It's half-werewolf. Isn't he also a Metamorphmagus?" Severus said. _Poor beast._

"Teddy is adorable."

"I very much doubt that."

"Ours would be cute. Someday."

"Should that be the case, it would be solely your fault," He said dryly as he buried his nose in her hair.

She chuckled into his shirt and finally pulled away. When she glanced at his face briefly, he was staring at her unabashedly.

"I need to get supplies for school," She said.

"I can have a house elf get them for you," He said firmly. _You don't need to be out in the general public with the state of things._

"I want to do something. You can't keep me holed up here forever, Severus," She glared at him weakly.

He raised an eyebrow, "I'll go with you."

"You're sure?" She smiled.

He eyed her, "Yes." _Anything for you._

"Harry's coming too. Ginny will be there. They're getting their supplies as well as Ron and Lav's. Ron's still not in the best condition from his second splinching," Hermione added.

"Yes, Poppy had mentioned he was healing more slowly this time. I would imagine it has something to do with the scarring from his previous incident," Severus' voice was impassive as he buttoned up his frock completely.

Hermione sent a message to Harry that they would be heading to Diagon Alley in a few minutes. They walked to his fireplace to Floo, and Hermione asked, "Is Remus any good at Transfiguration? Would he be a fit teacher?"

Severus snorted, "Is a werewolf ever going to be a 'fit teacher,' Hermione?"

She rolled her eyes at him, "Be nice."

"I am never nice, Granger," Severus reiterated. "As a student, Lupin was more than capable in all subject areas except for Potions, in which class he was only average. I am sure his teaching will be acceptable and that he will obtain the adoration of his students once more," There was a strange tone in Severus' voice.

"Why do you sound jealous?" She teased.

Severus scowled, "Hardly." _I'm not._

"Your students would like you more if you didn't constantly scare the living daylights out of them."

"I do not care whether or not they _like_ me. I seek only to _teach._ My scores prove I am effective in at least that," He retorted and stepped into the fireplace, picking up a handful of Floo powder as he did. "Coming?"

She stepped next to him, "Do you think it'll hurt as badly?" She looked at his shoulder.

"I certainly hope not," He said, "Diagon Alley!" He enunciated clearly, threw the powder at his feet, and they were enclosed in green flames.

When they arrived, he exhaled in a sharp gasp. Pain ripped through his shoulder, though not nearly as badly as it had previously, "Fuck me," He wheezed.

"Later," Hermione smirked as her eyes searched for Potter and Weasley.

He grunted behind her as he followed her out of the floo. Their presence had already garnered significant attention and Severus stiffened under all of the eyes. He stepped closer behind Hermione protectively.

Potter approached them and hugged Hermione, then reached for Snape's hand. Severus shook it and his black eyes swept their surroundings constantly.

He followed the Gryffindors to Flourish Blotts. Hermione and Ginny walked ahead of Potter and Snape a bit, and Harry stepped in front of Severus and faced him. The boy looked very nervous.

Snape, who glanced at Potter, and then found Hermione again in the the shop asked, "What is it?"

Potter fumbled in coat a bit and then pulled out a small black box. Severus looked at it, and then back to Harry's face. His black eyes glittered, "You are not exactly my type, Potter."

Harry snorted and flushed, "I'm going to ask her after dinner tonight."

Severus studied the boy intensely for a moment. He could scarcely believe the boy was old enough for this sort of thing. Snape looked at the box in Harry's hand again as he opened it and showed Severus the sparkling diamond ring inside. It was a rather large marquise cut stone with a plain and delicate golden band.

Much to his dismay, Severus' heart skipped a little at seeing the ring. _Hermione._ Banishing the vulnerability quickly, Snape glanced at the shop at the two witches ahead of them, "It's nice, Potter, but if it is your wish for them to not see it, I suggest you put it away."

Harry snapped back to reality, closed the box, and returned it to his pocket for safekeeping, "I've planned a celebratory party at the Burrow for afterward at 7. You'll bring Hermione?"

"Two things, boy," Severus said coolly, "One: do I seem the type to enjoy parties? Two: are you or are you not getting a bit ahead of yourself? She has not said yes."

"Yet," Harry added hopefully and his eyes went wide when Snape's face remained passive, "She hasn't said yes yet. That's what you meant, right?"

Severus looked over his head as Hermione and Ginny approached them, bags with shrunken textbooks in their hands, "Finished?" He asked. Harry was still staring at him as he reached for the bags. Snape shoved a bag at Potter. "Make yourself useful. Or is chivalry no longer a Gryffindor trait?"

Harry fumbled with the bag for a second and Snape hissed privately, "And for God's sake, pull your chin up from the floor. You look even more foolish than usual. You do not wish to draw unnecessary attention to yourself. You are a horrendous liar."

Harry snapped his jaw shut and glared at Snape briefly as they walked from the bookstore. Severus walked closely to Hermione as she talked with her redheaded Housemate. His mind was miles away as his eyes consciously scanned the crowd around them as they moved to another shop. His heart raced as he thought...

 _'Hermione, will you marry me?'_


	61. Chapter 61

Author's Note: Are you guys still with me? I haven't heard from anyone in a couple chapters and I am quite sad!! Come back to me!! I miss you all!

Severus and Hermione arrived back in his quarters a couple hours later. He grimaced painfully and rubbed at his shoulder as it screamed under the Floo.

"Are you alright?" Hermione asked as she unpacked her textbooks.

He glanced at her surreptitiously. His eyes shifted around her face for a moment, and then he said, "It would seem we have an _engagement_ this evening."

She was not paying too much attention, and he was disappointed that the duality of his word choice didn't have its intended effect, "Really? What are we doing?" She ran a finger over the cover of her Defense textbook and his eyes moved from her face to her finger. Her attention was also on her finger.

He narrowed his eyes, "What is bothering you?"

"I won't be able to have you for a teacher. I won't be able to stay here with you."

He sighed, and touched her hand, "Is it better to have me as a partner or a teacher?"

She snorted lightly, and he asked, "You've never had much trouble sneaking out of your dormitory before, have you?"

She glanced at him shyly, "You know how much I loved you as a teacher."

He furrowed his brow, "Yes. Stealing from me. Setting me on fire. Lending your friend your wand to knock me out. Constructing numerous conspiracy theories about my motivations. All of these things convey 'I respect my teacher' in every way."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Oh, please. All that aside, you were probably my favorite teacher. You had such high standards, and when you would demonstrate various labs, I found myself mesmerized."

"I'm not Lockhart, Hermione."

"Yes, we've been over this. Your outfit. The way it hugs your legs, your arms, and your voice. Oh, your voice. If you heard the way some of the girls talk about it..."

He turned a bit green, clearly horrified, "Desist! I may vomit."

She laughed and touched his chest playfully, "You think they'll stick me with Remus for private Defense?"

Severus cringed outwardly at the thought, "It would seem likely."

She fingered a button over his sternum and looked up at him. He had several day's worth of stubble on his face and his hair was longer than she ever remembered it being. It was wavy, thick, and fell further down his shoulders than she had seen before. The button she had been toying with popped free and she glanced at it, and then at him.

"Hermione..." her name was a velvet caress.

She smiled at him and watched as the black flames in his eyes roared. In a second, he had shoved all of the books to the floor off of the table, pushed her up and back onto the wooden table, and had kneeled before her. Her pupils dilated as she looked at the man between her legs. Her clothing was gone in a moment, and his teeth scraped the inside of her thigh. He kissed lightly up the sensitive skin and his dark eyes flashed to her once more. Her neck was arched backward and her eyes were fluttering.

 _Dear Merlin..._ the mere sight of her, squirming in pleasure at his touch, was enough to make his chest explode.

He smiled deviously at her as she glanced at him through hooded eyes, "I'm going to taste you, Hermione." _Oh, yes._

She whimpered and he kissed her thigh, moving more centered. He could smell her desire and his right hand splayed across her stomach. His tongue settled in her hot folds and he dragged it up, flicking it briefly over her swollen nub.

"You. Are. Divine," He said lowly.

Her back arched as his mouth returned to her body, moaning onto one of the single biggest concentrations of nerves in her body. She wiggled under him, as his tongue moved in circles.

Bringing his right hand away from her stomach, he dragged his nails down the outside of her thigh and she moaned loudly. Two fingers moved under his chin and teased her entrance.

"Please, Severus," She begged. The sound of his name made him shiver as he buried two fingers inside of her. She was wet, hot, and tight around him as his tongue flicked, and sucked, and flicked on her more. _Dear God, Hermione._

Her back arched higher off the table and he moaned for her to come undone. She cried out, and he devoured her release hungrily. He stood, his knees aching from having been on stone for so long, and kissed her stomach, moving up to her breasts, her throat, and then finally her mouth. She could taste herself on his tongue, and she moaned as the kiss deepened.

Suddenly, there was a loud and demanding knock at his door. He jumped nearly out of his skin. _For the love of all things holy..._

"Severus! I need to speak with you immediately!" Minerva's voice came from outside the thick wooden door.

Severus growled and Hermione waved her wand over her quickly, straightened out her clothing, and levitated the books back onto the kitchen table. Severus glared at her as he adjusted the buttons on his frock coat. Then, he unceremoniously stuck his hands down his trousers and pulled his very obvious arousal up so that it was tucked into the elastic waistband of his underwear. He grunted as he retracted his hand, and Hermione looked at him, "Later," and winked. _Fucking hell._

He strode to the door, bellowing "This had better be good, Minerva!" As he slammed the door open. His eyes widened as he saw Kingsley standing next to her.

"May we come in?" Minerva asked.

Severus looked between the two and found nothing pleasant in their expressions. He stepped aside and extended his right arm. _This cannot be good._

"Hello Professor, Kingsley," Hermione said pleasantly as Snape's dark eyes burned into her, "Tea?"

"That would be lovely," Kingsley said. His voice was rich, and deep, but Severus heard something else in it. _Fear? Worry?_

"Have a seat," Hermione smiled as she gestured to the kitchen table.

Snape's eyes glittered as he caught hers, and she smirked at him. He twitched against his underwear and it took all of his strength to stifle the moan her smirk called to.

Minerva and Kingsley sat at two seats next to each on one long side of the table and Severus mirrored them on the opposite. Tea appeared in front of them as Hermione took the seat next to Severus. She scooted her chair so that she was closer to the darkly clad man.

Kingsley spoke, "You were in Diagon Alley this afternoon with Harry Potter and Ginerva Weasley this afternoon, yes?"

Snape's eyes narrowed, and Hermione nodded, "Yes, why?"

"We have disguised aurors patrolling both Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade. It would seem that your presence there was noticed by both friend and foe and, within seconds of your departure from Diagon Alley, there was a skirmish between one known Death Eaters and a werewolf at large and our aurors, resulting in the death of Auror Maxwell."

Hermione gasped and Severus paled considerably. Had they stayed a moment longer, they would have been attacked.

"Who was it? Who attacked?" Hermione asked.

Kingsley reached into his robes and pulled out a moving photograph. He laid it flat on the table and slid it in front of them, "Corban Yaxley and Fenrir Greyback."

It felt as if all blood had drained from Severus' body. His skin went cold, and clammy, and Kingsley spoke again, "Once they realized you were no longer there, they were gone as quickly as they'd come."

Severus eyes watched as a frenzied Greyback and Yaxley apparated into the Alley and began to search frantically for them, firing off curses every which way. It replayed several times before he was able to tear his eyes away from it. _Hermione..._

"You are headed to the Burrow tonight to celebrate Potter's engagement to Miss Weasley?"

Severus nodded stiffly and Hermione's eyes went wide, "What?!" She looked at Severus.

He raised an eyebrow at her and she asked indignantly, "You weren't going to tell me?!"

"Quite the contrary," He said and his eyes glittered, "But _you_ were intent on discussing something _else_ entirely."

She flushed briefly and looked away from him, "You are going?"

"Yes," Minerva nodded, "With the rest of the House Heads, and Hagrid. We should go now. Potter is at dinner with Ginerva now. We can speak with Arthur and Molly about these events."

Snape's heart clenched, "Potter is protected?" _Please tell me he is safe._

"Extremely so," Kingsley assured Severus.

Severus relaxed marginally, and Kingsley and Minerva finished the last of their tea, whisked the cups clean, and stood, "Come now," Minerva said.

Hermione and Kingsley engaged in minor small talk as they readied themselves to travel. Before stepping into the Floo, Severus turned to Minerva and said quietly, "You are sure Potter is safe?" His dark eyes were filled with anxiety.

Minerva looked at him carefully for a moment and then said, "Yes, Severus. He is well-protected at the moment, though I'm not sure he needs it."

Severus looked appalled and hissed, "Of course he needs it!"

"Don't tell me you're still holding his safety as your personal responsibility? Lily wouldn't want you agonizing over that still..."

Severus bristled at her audacity, "It has _nothing_ to do with _her._ It's him!" _I care for Harry bloody Potter. Bloody hell._

Minerva looked taken aback, but then her face creased with worry, "I am afraid he is not the one truly needing protection at the moment. These attacks have nothing to do with him."

Snape looked at her and confusion flooded his features.

She stared into his dark eyes and said in a hushed voice, "They have everything to do with you. And her," She glanced at Hermione, who now stood in the fireplace with Kingsley with a handful of floo powder.

Hermione smiled at Snape, and shouted "The Burrow!" And green flames engulfed the pair.

The fear in Severus' face was apparent, and Minerva's hand was on his back, "Come now, lad," and she stepped into the fireplace, "We will overcome. We always do."

Snape swallowed heavily and stepped next to her. She grabbed a handful of powder and looked at him once more.

 _I must keep her safe, no matter the cost to me._


	62. Chapter 62

Author's Note: I'm so happy to hear you guys are still out there. I've heard about issues with uploading times from several people, and I'm sorry about that! I'm glad that you're all still hanging with me! You guys are the best.

Severus ground his teeth as the pain of the floo rippled across his shoulder and he stepped out of the floo into the Weasley home. He had been here once, many, many years ago, when he informed Molly that her brothers had been killed in a Death Eater raid before he reported to Dumbledore. _Molly Weasley is a good woman, and she deserved to know first_. Back then, he had not looked around the place much, and had focused his attention on picking at his fingernails, an ugly habit he revealed only in his moments of greatest anxiety.

As he glanced around, he realized just how comforting this home felt. It was no wonder that Hermione enjoyed visiting here so often. It was cluttered, busy, and had a distinctly "lived in" feel to it. The color pattern was warm, welcoming, and earthy. It was so decidedly Weasley that he smirked in spite of himself, and in spite of his own anxieties. His face dropped, however, when he looked at oddly mismatched colored clock. The many-handed clock had the faces of all the individual Weasley children smirking out from them.

His eyes fell to Fred's unmistakably cocky yet friendly grin. The hand was set firmly under the location "LOST." Severus felt nauseous and slightly dizzy looking at the clock. He glanced at the other location titles, and his dark eyes settled on "mortal peril." Had they all fallen under that category on May 2nd? How many times did Molly stare at this clock while her youngest son was trekking across the wilderness searching for Horcruxes wondering where he was? How many times had it shown "MORTAL PERIL" and she had been entirely helpless? As his nausea threatened to overwhelm him, Hermione's voice from his right brought him back to reality.

"It's okay, Severus," She said, "It still tears me up looking at it, too, and I've seen it loads more times than you have. Mrs. Weasley is doing a bit better. She still has some really bad days... but she's smiling a little more."

"Severus Snape!" Molly's shrill yet definitively motherly voice called to him. He turned his head and met her amber colored eyes.

She smiled at him and held out her arms. His eyes widened, "Molly, I assure you, I am not that type of man." He gestured to her outstretched arms.

She waved him off and walked to him quickly, "Nonsense!" Her arms wrapped around him affectionately and she kissed his cheek. He looked helplessly at Hermione, who was trying very hard not to laugh at his discomfort.

"You look a bit peaky!" She exclaimed as she held his face in her hands briefly, "Come, let's make you something to eat."

When she had removed herself from his person, he sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose. There were loud heavy footsteps coming from the stairs behind him and Snape turned as Ron plopped down on the wooden floor in front of him. His eyes met Snape's and the boy visibly recoiled from Snape in fear.

"Blimey!" Ron swore under his breath. _Weasley._

Snape stood up straight and looked down at the redhead, "Mister Weasley."

"Uh," Ron stammered and adjusted his arm in his sling, "Hey." _Hey?_

Lavender Brown pushed herself in front of Weasley, "Honestly, Ronald, he's going to be your teacher again."

Ron eyed Snape nervously, and mumbled, "Yeah, that's the problem, isn't it? He's still scary. Even if he is supposedly human now."

Severus smirked at the younger man, but any humor faded quickly, "To your surprise, I will find it as awkward teach you again as you will find being taught by me once more."

Ron's blue eyes widened, "You will?"

Snape clenched his jaw and then said, "We fought in a war together. We, literally, fought side by side, together, in that final battle. To go from comrades in arms to student and teacher..." He grimaced a bit. Ron looked at him and his face sobered from shock to realization.

Snape glanced at the clock again, his dark eyes settled on Fred's face, "I cannot undo any of these realities. Suffice it to say, my class will probably _feel_ different this year as will, I would assume, all of your other classes."

Ron looked at him and followed his gaze to the clock as Severus continued speaking, "Tonight, you will see many of your teachers. Take a good look at them, Mister Weasley, when they aren't taking notice that they're being watched."

Ron's brow creased as he watched Snape speak as the older wizard stared intensely at Fred's beaming face on the clock hand, "Those that... perished in battle... Most of them were students. _Our_ students. Students whose family members, friends, loved ones, entrusted to _us_ to teach them, to keep them _safe_. We should not have outlived any of them. We were supposed to keep them safe from harm. We lost colleagues too, friends, people we have worked with for many years. Being a teacher, a House Head, a Headmaster or Headmistresses... It is a relationship that is inexplicable. Even for teachers such as I, who are not particularly well-liked, or liked at all. We all feel it. Look at your professors tonight. You will see a brokenness, a hollowness...The loss is personal. The guilt is unwavering. The sadness is pervasive."

He seemed to have slipped into some sort of pensive trance, "Last year, the students, _my students,_ were taught curses nobody should ever know or use, curses that should not even exist - some of which were curses that I, unfortunately, created. They were abused magically, verbally, and physically. They were taught that muggles and muggleborns are lesser. The trauma is..."

The clock chimed and Severus jumped. _Oh, hell._ He sensed the tension in the air, the weighty silence, and he looked around a bit panic-stricken. His speech was massively out of character and he shifted uncomfortably. He looked at Ron, who had tears in his eyes, then to Lavender and Hermione, who looked much the same. _I am a fool._

"I'd never... I hadn't..." Ron stumbled in his emotions. _Don't make it worse, Weasley._

Severus dropped his eyes and said quietly, "We might have won the war, but we have most certainly _lost,"_ He looked back at the clock. _So many things._

Minerva and Kingsley, who had been quiet as Severus had spoken, glanced at each other, and then at Hermione, who crossed the living room slowly, "Severus..." Hermione said softly. _Hermione._

When his eyes found hers, she realized he did not look as broken as one would expect someone who had just said what he had said to look. He looked very sad, and small - as small as a grown man can look - but he didn't look catastrophically upset, though he wouldn't even if he were. He had, though, clearly been thinking about the upcoming school year more than he had ever let on to anyone, especially to Hermione. _I'm sorry._

Molly's voice called, "Severus!" He tensed, and then relaxed, "Come eat! All of you!"

Snape rolled his eyes, "Your mother is..."

Ron smirked, "Barmy?"

Snape grunted and walked toward the voice. He was followed by the others in silence. When he arrived, he noticed Molly had prepared Lancashire hotpot for the group. There was a knock on the front door, and Severus watched as Hagrid, Pomona, Filius, and Horace walked in. Ron glanced nervously at his teachers, and then to Snape, who pretended not to notice. _Have some subtly..._

The meal's conversation focused on Yaxley, Greyback, and Umbridge briefly. Eyes shifted nervously between Severus and Hermione. Severus, who remained very quiet, picked at his food. Hermione leaned her knee against his, and then put her hand on his thigh. He didn't respond to her touch. _A way to keep her safe would be to leave._ Much to his dismay, Hermione seemed to have surmised what was going on inside his head.

 **They're after me, too, Severus.**

 _You'd be safer without me._

 **Don't be stupid. I am safer with you at my side, as you are with me at yours.**

 _Hermione... I just want to keep you safe._

 **Then stop this nonsense and stay close to me.**

Minerva noticed Severus' quiet, and his tense body language, and realized he was treading into darker thoughts. "When can we expect the happy couple back?" She asked.

Severus glanced at Minerva, and then to Hermione. His face softened apologetically.

 _I'm sorry._

 **Old habits die hard, apparently. Let's be present.**

Arthur looked at his watch and shrugged, "Within a half hour now!" His voice was jovial, and his chest stuck out a little more. Severus realized, then, that Arthur and Molly's only daughter was now engaged, or would be momentarily, to be married. It would have been something that would bring a small amount of sadness with its joy, or so Severus thought. _Then again, she is marrying the Chosen One._

Molly quickly did away with all of the dishes, and Arthur cleared the table and chairs out of the way. Slughorn, who had apparently supplied all of the champagne, was pouring glasses for everyone. Eventually, he made his way to Hermione and Severus.

"Oh, Severus, my dear boy, cheer up!" He smiled, "It's a happy time!"

Severus looked at him, and his body relaxed slightly. Hermione touched his arm, "Professor Slughorn, surely you must know this _is_ Severus' happy face!"

He glared at her and Slughorn burst out laughing, "Severus, she will keep you on your toes!!"

The front door opened, and the group froze, expecting Potter and Weasley. Instead, Lupin walked in with his son in his arms. The baby was clearly asleep, wrapped in a crimson blanket, which his cheek firmly against Lupin's shoulder. The boy's hair was bright purple. _Tonks._

Remus looked around at the group, "Sorry to disappoint! Just us!"

Slughorn shoved champagne into Remus' free hand. Remus walked over and stood between Severus and Arthur. Severus' eyes traveled to Hermione, who was staring at the baby in Lupin's arms. _God, she's beautiful._

Hermione smiled as Remus noticed her watching the baby, "Ah, Severus. I don't think you've been introduced to my son," Remus said happily.

"What is he? 4 months old? Are introductions possible at such an age?" Snape raised an eyebrow as he turned his attention to the werewolf.

Remus rolled his eyes, "Teddy, this is the ever-grumpy Professor Severus Snape. Severus, this is my son, Teddy."

Snape narrowed his eyes, and then he moved his dark eyes to the sleeping child, "Pleasure is all mine. Especially so when one considers that I'll be the only one remembering this."

"Shut up, Severus!" Hermione hissed, "Can I hold him, Remus?"

Remus nodded and passed the baby to Hermione, who moved between Severus and Remus. Remus engaged in small talk with Arthur, and Snape stole a look at Hermione and the baby. The child was not hideous. _How surprising._ It certainly didn't look like Lupin or Tonks, but then again, Severus wasn't sure any baby would at that age, especially since this was apparently a Metaphormagus. _Babies look a lot like mandrakes..._ She held the baby affectionately, a hand on Teddy's tiny back, and she rocked him gently as she swayed side to side. _She's good at this too? What in the hell is this woman not good at?_

He felt himself being watched, and he caught sight of George Weasley smirking at him as the twin slinked across the kitchen, "Oi! Snapey, you look a bit ill."

"This is how I always look," Severus said sternly. _Snapey?_

"Oh, no, no," George said. He was slightly inebriated already, "I think you've got it. The fever!"

Severus looked puzzled, "The fever?"

George leaned into Snape and whispered, "The baby fever!"

Severus glared at the younger wizard, but his face softened. George looked... Depressed. _How could he not be?_ He was thinner than Severus had ever seen him, his cheeks were gaunt, and his eyes had dark circles under them.

George moved next to him, standing closer than he would have probably done without any alcohol in his system, and leaned back against the wall lazily. Severus stole another look at him. He was pale, and had an air of defeat about him that he would not so easily rid himself of. As he looked at him, he thought of how different the two had been.

George was a better Beater on the quidditch team. Minerva had agreed with him on that point. Fred had always been the more outspoken twin, the instigator, and George was more reserved, often waiting for his brother to speak or act first. George was also more subtle. _Whatever subtly a Gryffindor can possess, George Weasley most certainly has it._ He was more political, often smoothing things after his twin's bull-China-shop approach to whatever situation they faced that inevitably got them into trouble.

His heart ached as he realized just what George had lost. He now found himself in a world without his fearless leader, though George was courageous enough in his own right. Fred was the punch-line, a series of seemingly never ending jokes, a charismatic, bold, and loyal young man. George has, quite literally, lost his other half.

A twisting door handle silenced the room, and Harry Potter and Ginerva Weasley walked into the Burrow grinning from ear-to-ear. There was a loud cheering from the crowd inside the home that was quickly drowned out by a loud explosion outside of the home in the field in front of the house. Harry and Ginny turned quickly to look outside, and their faces were painted quickly in terror. The fire outside in the fields illuminated all of the panic-stricken faces inside.

 _'Some say the world will end in fire...'_


	63. Chapter 63

Wands were drawn immediately, and Severus half dragged, half carried Hermione, with Teddy in her arms, to the fireplace. Remus was close behind as Snape forced a loudly protesting Hermione and crying Teddy into the hearth as Lupin grabbed a fistful of Floo powder and shouted, "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - Severus Snape's Quarters!"

Snape let go of Hermione's arms and met her furious gaze as she was encased in green flames. Then, she was gone. Severus warded the floo against any further arrivals. He knew Hermione wouldn't leave the baby. _Fuck, she's going to kill me for that._

Remus looked at Severus for a moment, blue eyes meeting black, and he nodded sharply in gratitude. Another explosion quickly drew their attention. Snape and Lupin rushed to the front yard to see the reeds surrounding the house engulfed in angry flames.

His wand was gripped tightly in his right hand as Remus did something very foreign and unexpected to Severus. He put his back to Snape and grabbed the side of the black frock coat. Severus would later reflect how much things had already changed between the werewolf and himself. Severus moved closer to Remus, but was unable to completely grab his coat with his still somewhat limited arm movement, so his left arm extended protectively.

Wands were drawn all around them - Molly, Potter, Arthur, Ginny, Lavender, George, Bill, Fleur, Charlie, Minerva, Horace, Filius, Pomona, and Hagrid. Hagrid had his umbrella extended before him. _The oaf actually thinks that's not obviously a wand?_

Snape saw movement from the corner of his eye and turned on the spot, wand pointing toward the source of the noise. Neville Longbottim and Luna Lovegood appeared. Neville held up his hands in a sign of surrender to Snape.

"What are you doing?!" Snape growled as Lupin watched his back.

"We were late! What the bloody hell is going on here?!"

Then, there was silence. The roaring of the flames quieted completely, though the flames continued their destruction. They flames parted a bit. In the space, Fenrir Greyback, Corban Yaxley, and another wolfish looking man appeared. They were covered in a dome shield that looked very much like the one that had covered Hogwarts the night of the battle.

"Snape!" Greyback howled, "Lupin!"

Lupin was trembling. Snape could feel his hand vibrating on his coat. _Greyback is his maker._ He heard a whimper from the werewolf at his back as his grip on Snape slackened.

Corban Yaxley spoke to the crowd, "Now, now. Everyone just calm down. Nobody needs to get hurt here. My friend," Yaxley gestured to Fenrir, "wants his packmember. I want the traitor - Severus Snape, and his little mudblood, though my employer wants her much more than I." The grin on Yaxley's acne scarred face was terrifying.

"Remus," There was a strangely seductive tone in Greyback's voice, "Come."

Snape felt Lupin turn toward Greyback and he grabbed the werewolf by his collar, "Lupin! What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing?"

"He's my maker," Lupin said.

Snape forced Lupin's eyes to his, "He killed your wife!"

Lupin's eyes flashed yellow and then returned to blue, the trance broken, and he looked feral. Snape released him, and he turned to Yaxley.

"It seems, Corban, that we have a problem," Severus' voice was a deadly calm. All eyes shifted between the two men. "You want us to come with you, and we... Well, we don't fancy that much at all, do we, Remus?" The verbiage was unlike Snape, but Lupin smirked in response.

Harry stepped closer to to Severus, his new family trailing behind him.

Snape spoke again smoothly, "I do have a solution to propose."

He eyed the House Heads around him, and then Lupin.

"We aren't here to bargain, Snape, you git!" Fenrir growled loudly, "We'll get you. All three of you! One way or another."

Snape smiled wickedly, "I very much doubt that. You are far too stupid, and far too cowardly."

"You filthy traitorous mudblood fucker," The man to Fenrir's left roared and stepped through the shield toward Snape.

Snape's response was faster than a lightning strike. The unknown man was bleeding profusely from a large gash across his chest. Flitwick bound him with incarcerous as he twitched and bled on the ground.

Greyback and Yaxley disapparated, and the fields around them exploded back into roaring flames. Snape stepped forward as Harry began chanting the countercurse he had heard Severus use on Draco. Potter dragged his wand across the werewolf's chest as the blood moved back into the nearly lifeless and bound body.

"That is a waste of time, Potter," Snape spat. _Let him die for what he said._

"He has information! He has to!"

Snape seethed, "He could have killed me! Or you! Or any of us! He wouldn't have shown mercy!"

"So I should have let him die?" Harry yelled.

Snape bellowed, "YES! He should die for what he's done! What he's doing!" His face was demented, inhuman, and the stress of post-war life was clearly taking its toll on him. His hands were shaking horribly as he fumbled trying to get his wand into his coat.

Harry glared at Snape unsympathetically and said, "He didn't attack you! You didn't even give him a chance. Not that he would have really had one. He's worth more alive."

Snape's temper snapped and he grabbed Harry by his jacket and hauled him to his feet, dangling him slightly on his toes.

"Severus!" Remus cried.

"Did you not hear what he said?" Snape's voice was icy.

"I did!" Harry said as he struggled in Snape's grasp.

"He should die for that word. They all should. Those that use it," His black eyes were flaming, bordering insanity.

"Yeah, well, you'd be dead then, too, wouldn't you?" Harry said too quickly and then his eyes widened as he realized what he'd done. _Fuck_

Snape dropped Harry to the ground abruptly, turned, and walked briskly back into the house.

Harry called after him, "Severus! I didn't mean it!"

It hurt. More than it ever should have. _Blimey, it hurts._

Harry had pursued Snape into the house and reached for his arm. Severus turned on him, pushing him in the chest backward. Hard. He waved his wand in front of the hearth, stepped into the fireplace and disappeared into green flames.

 _Fuck friendship._


	64. Chapter 64

Author's Note: I had been building to this revelation and verbal acknowledgement for awhile, and hopefully you guys see the sense in it as well! 

Potential warning: This chapter deals in anxiety/PTSD

When he stepped out into his living room from the fireplace, there was a flash of movement from his right.

"You," Hermione's hands slammed into his ribs, "Are a complete arse, Severus Snape!" She pushed at him again, "A total chauvinistic arse!"

Her fury was at a level Severus had never experienced before, and after she tired of shoving him, she stood before him breathing heavily. She was staring intensely at his face. He hadn't so much as flinched, or even blinked while she had attacked him, and her face creased in confusion. She'd expected a fight.

She took a deep breath, worry growing in her stomach, "What happened?"

His body was stiff, yet trembling, and his hands were shaking worse than she'd ever seen. His black eyes were hollow, empty, and soulless in a way she had not seen since she had been nothing more to him than his student. In a way, he seemed catatonic.

The hearth exploded with green light. Hermione jumped back from it. Severus didn't. Harry and Remus stepped through and out onto the cold stone floor.

"Hermione, where's Teddy?"

"He's asleep in the bedroom," Hermione answered as she stared at Snape. Remus nodded and glanced at the door she had pointed toward.

"Severus..." Harry said, and for the first time, Snape flinched.

"Harry, what did you do?" Hermione turned on her friend. _She's too quick for her own good._

"I've said something I shouldn't have," He pleaded with her, "Severus, I'm sorry. I was angry, and scared. It was stupid. I didn't mean it how it came out. I'm sorry." Harry's green eyes stared at Severus' blank face and he looked worriedly at Hermione.

"What did you say?" Hermione said. Her voice was frosty.

Remus asked Hermione, "Have you noticed that Severus has been... acting differently lately?"

Hermione looked at Remus, and was clearly confused. Remus continued as he studied Severus' vacant expression, "Has he been irritable? Socially isolated? Hypervigilant? Mistrusting? Feeling excessively guilty? Emotionally detached at times?" Remus rattled off symptoms like he was some medical book, and Hermione sighed heavily.

"Remus, he's that way every single day," She said. "He has been that way for as long as I've known him."

Remus nodded, "True. What about nightmares? Has he been having nightmares?"

Hermione paled, and glanced at Severus nervously. They'd never discussed his nightmares before at any time. He would wake up screaming several times a week, crying, shivering. He never told her what happened in the dreams, just the emotions, and merely held her tightly until he drifted off into restless and fitful sleep.

Remus looked at her and then to Severus, "I see."

He nodded toward the bedroom, "Mind if I see Teddy?" Hermione looked at Severus, and Harry stood awkwardly near Snape. She followed Remus to the bedroom.

Severus' eyes, while they tracked Potter's nervous movements into his line of vision, were unseeing. His ears were focused on Hermione and Remus, though he suspected Muffilato had been cast.

"Severus?" Harry said. _Shut up. Stay away from me._

Harry received absolutely no response or inclination that Severus had heard him at all. If the wizard's hands had not been trembling, Harry might have thought him bodybound.

Remus and Hermione emerged from the bedroom. Severus barely registered that Hermione was crying. He felt numb. _Empty._

"Severus..." Remus approached Severus carefully, "We're worried about you." Severus could feel panic rising like acid from his toes and settling in the back of his throat. _No._

Remus spoke again, "You're a very calculated person. You measure everything, weigh all options, before acting. I've not seen you act as rashly as you did tonight in a very, very long time. Sure, we all have times where we lose our heads, but you... You are cunning, shrewd, clever, resourceful, and you almost always have rigid control of yourself."

Severus hands began to shake harder. He was uncomfortable. The walls were closing in on him. _No._

"We have all been through a lot of trauma," Remus said, "None more so than you, I'd wager. You are suffering, Severus. It is plain for us to see. You are slipping..."

Suddenly, Severus' magic began to crack and pop across his body. He shut his eyes tightly, and then shouted, "I KNOW! DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW? I'VE FINALLY LOST IT! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, LUPIN?!" Snape's deep and normally even voice cracked sharply, and Remus winced as he watched the man he'd known since he was 11-years-old break in a way he'd never seen. It was atypical for Severus to have such an outburst, yet he found himself having them more and more frequently.

"You've not lost it. You must have patience," Remus said, "We must all afford each other, and ourselves, grace in these times of healing. You need to give yourself time."

Snape's black eyes bored into Lupin's, "How in the bloody fucking hell do you expect me to be able to do that when I've not had a solid moment's rest for the better part of 30 years?"

Remus grimaced as the reality of Snape's words snapped across him like a whip, "You have friends, Severus. You are not alone. Let your friends _be_ your friends."

"Why aren't any of you like this, then?" Severus asked coldly as his eyes met Lupin's, then Harry's, and finally Hermione's.

"People respond differently to trauma. Some people experienced more or different trauma in this war," Remus said, "It's not a one-size-fits-all."

"Your wife was killed in front of you, as well as your friend Sirius Black. Your other best friend, James Potter, was murdered. A man you thought to be a close friend betrayed all of you and gave the Dark Lord the keys to the Potter's home. You have been an outcast in society for most of your life," Severus looked at him coldly, "Yet, here you stand."

His dark eyes glittered and moved to Harry, "And you... Your parents were brutally murdered, you grew up in an abusive and neglectful home, you were bullied incessantly, hunted down, played like a puppet... You _were_ killed. You lost how many friends? You had the weight of the world placed upon your shoulders at a little over a year old," His eyes hardened, "Yet, here you stand."

His eyes moved to Hermione, and she avoided his gaze, "And you... I cannot bear it..." His voice trailed off and his eyes dropped to her feet. _I'm sorry._

Her eyes snapped back to his face, which was now shrouded in a curtain of black hair, "And I saw my friends die. I took my parent's memories, essentially orphaning myself, I was captured, tortured, and scarred for life. I was bullied, and teased, and ridiculed. I was dragged into a war no more than a child and delegated the responsibility of making sure Harry fucking Potter lived to die at the right moment," Her voice was icy, "Yet, here I stand, Severus. What's your point?"

Severus looked sufficiently chastised, and he hesitated before he spoke, "You all have experienced things...Yet, I am here shaking like a pathetic little boy who is afraid of the monster under his bed. I am weak." The last word was spat so disdainfully and bitterly that all three of the people listening recoiled.

"You're not weak," Harry said, "You're human. You have been through so much more than any of us."

Severus looked at Harry, and Remus seemed to sense the hideous comment that Snape was cooking, and cut him off, "You are not weak, Severus. My mother worked at an insurance agency when I was a boy. She met a man, a former soldier, who was suffering from something called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This man was trying desperately to get his diagnosis and treatment covered. My mother felt so sorry for him that she dedicated so much of her free time researching and trying to find a loop hole. I heard about this disorder over and over for nights on end. I am no psychiatrist, Severus, but I think that you may be suffering from this as well, to some extent."

Lupin's words rolled over in Snape's mind, and Hermione asked, "What can we do to help him, Remus?"

"I am uncertain. We do not have the mental health fields that muggles do, and theirs is sparse as it is, and he can't very well walk into a muggle doctor's office and start describing magic and wizards and witches."

Harry looked at Severus, "I am so sorry for what I said, Severus."

Severus jerked his head and shook it fiercely, "Doesn't matter." He spat.

"It does, and I'm terribly sorry."

Severus shook his head again, and then looked at Hermione, "I was trying to protect you, and the child." His eyes were swimming in emotion now, apparently having gone from feeling nothing to feeling everything. _I'm sorry._

"I know," She sighed in resignation, "But I am capable of fighting."

He cocked his head to one side, "That was _never_ a question." She looked at him, smiled sadly, and then nodded.

Remus said, "There's no formula on trauma, Severus. No time stamp. Be patient. Let yourself be cared for. You're quite loved. Look at her."

Severus stared at Hermione and he could see her affections for him plainly on her face. _I love you._

"Your past is an armor and you haven't quite figured out if it's okay to take it off yet," Remus said quietly and then shrugged, "We'll tell you the war is over however many times it takes for you to get it through that thick skull of yours."

"It isn't over. Clearly," His voice was calm, yet held within it the anxiety and fear he'd felt as a boy with no semblance of control over his life.

"It is over, Severus," Remus insisted. "These are loose ends."

Snape looked at him, his dark eyes flickered, and then he shifted uncomfortably, apparently finished with the conversation. _Please, just stop._

"I must take Teddy home, and you must get home to your fiancée," Lupin smiled at Harry.

There was a knock on the door, and Minerva appeared after Hermione opened it, "Remus, we must speak. Potter, you too. Come with me."

She glanced anxiously at Severus, who did not make eye contact, and then looked at Hermione, who signaled quietly that all was okay.

Remus gathered Teddy in a bundle and cradled him into his chest. He gave Hermione a brief one armed hug and nodded at Severus. Harry hugged Hermione tightly, and then moved to Severus, who stared down at him.

"Can I hug you then?" The boy's uncertainty was leaking out from every pore on in body.

"That would be most assuredly unpleasant," Severus said coolly, but Harry crushed his arms around Snape, who stood motionless. He winced as Harry pushed into his shoulder. _Gryffindors..._

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it how it sounded. I swear I didn't," Harry said, and he sounded as if he were fighting tears.

Snape brought his right arm around Harry's back and squeezed, "I deserved it, Potter, however you meant it." _I did._

Harry pulled back and Severus' eyes found his, "Congratulations, Harry Potter. On your engagement. Please inform me of any future progeny so I can mark my retirement date down accordingly."

Harry laughed, as did everyone else in the room, and then he turned serious again, "You're gonna be okay, Severus. I'll make sure of it."

Snape sobered and stiffened. Harry walked toward Remus and Minerva.

"I never thought I'd see those two hug in a million years," Remus stated in awe. _Bloody hell._

"Piss off, wolf," Severus said and shut the door in their faces.

Hermione grabbed Severus' hand and pulled him to the bedroom silently. Snape looked in the corner of the bedroom and saw the conjured crib she had made for Teddy.

"That's nice," He said quietly. _Really nice._

"What is?" She followed his eyes.

"A crib. In here. It gives me..." He struggled and his eyes filled with tears, "It gives me hope."

That night, neither of them slept much, if at all, and they didn't speak either. Instead, they savored the nonsexual intimacy of holding one another, and allowed their souls the proximity they so desperately craved - fingertips trailing across each other's skin, and hands pulling each other closer.

 _'The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.'_


	65. Chapter 65

When Severus slid out out of bed yesterday and his bare feet hit the cold stone floor, his stomach sank at the realizations of the previous evening. He'd intended to kill that man without a second thought. _I'm losing it. I'm slipping. I'm losing it. I've lost it._

He stood, and dressed. Severus glanced toward the bed and saw that Hermione was watching him carefully, "Are you okay?" She said.

Snape froze, took a deep breath, and said, "I think I should speak with Minerva." His hands were shaking.

"About how you are feeling?"

He clenched his jaw and ground his teeth a bit, "Perhaps. It might be... unwise to have someone such as me teaching. Especially that particular subject. In my... condition."

She slid off the bed and grabbed his hands firmly, "Severus, you are more than capable of teaching that subject. I agree with Professor McGonagall; you are more qualified than anyone else to teach students how to defend themselves against unfriendly magic in our world, but if you are truly worried about it, I support you."

"I want to teach, Hermione," He said. "The irony is not lost on me, I assure you. I loathed much of my teaching years previously, yet here I am wanting to feel... Useful... Wanting to teach, to help." _How things have changed..._

Her eyes searched his face, "You are strong enough. You just need to be patient. I have the utmost faith in your abilities. The upside is that your nearly all of your students will need as much time as you - except perhaps first year students."

Severus looked thoughtful, "You believe I am capable?"

"More than," She assured him. "It's your decision, though, and I will support you." _I love you._

"I shall do it then," He said, and his dark eyes sparkled as they looked down at her. "If you swear to me that you will tell me if you feel I should step down." His trust in her was deeper than it had ever been. She could see the vulnerability in his eyes, the fear and worry.

"Of course," She whispered. She wrapped her arms around him and held him while his heart settled down.

This man was so damaged and traumatized. Truthfully, there was nothing anyone could do. He needed time, friendship, relationship, and patience - from himself and from others. His trembling hands stilled on her back after a moment.

She pulled back and looked at him, reached up, and gave him a chaste kiss, "I have a question." She said as she walked to his closet and pulled one of his cloaks around her slender body.

"Imagine my surprise," He said and they walked toward the kitchen for coffee.

"I've heard a rumor about the Tri-Wizard Tournament, " She said. "It's happening?"

"Indeed," He answered. He could feel his blood pressure rising slightly at her mention of it. "There are to be vast differences between this one and the last."

"Such as?" Her voice was too curious for him. _Dammit, witch._

"Instead of having one champion, each school will have four - one from each other. This will help build school unity rather than house unity amongst the schools," His voice was even despite his own anxieties.

"Really?" She asked. "That's quite nice. You can work as a team then. I think that's a wonderful way to promote unity post-Voldemort."

He shivered at the mention and she quickly apologized for the use of the name. Severus set her coffee down in front of her, "Why do you want to know about the tournament?" He raised an eyebrow and sat across from her at the table. _Hermione..._

She smirked at him, "What of the other changes?"

Severus sighed, "Champions will work as a team, and they will be tested in the major subject areas - Potions, Defense, Charms, and Transfiguration - in some way. There will be athletic challenges as well. The tasks will play on the traits of the Houses, the strengths and weaknesses..." Severus trailed off.

Hermione looked at him. Her eyes were glittering, "Severus..."

"Oh, bloody hell, Hermione," He said and pinched his nose. "You're quite serious?"

"Draco, Luna, Justin, and I would make a fearsome foursome," She smiled.

"If only they were all willing." _Draco wouldn't, would he? Lovegood? Does she have that kind of attention span?_

"I can be quite convincing," She smiled. "Besides, we all know the tournament has a long history where champions receive outside help for the tasks."

He narrowed his eyes at her, "Yes, that is true. Potter received help from you, Diggory, Moody, Longbottom..."

"Yes, and that was well-known," Hermione said, "So..."

"So..." His eyes widened in understanding and he leaned back into his chair and sipped his coffee. "You mean to tell me that you want to enter the Tri-Wizard Tournament knowing full well the risk such a tournament would undoubtedly bring, even if it's been heavily modified, and that you want _my_ assistance in that ridiculously reckless endeavor?"

Her smirk stretched across her face, "You know it would make you proud. Seeing me as a champion.

He glared at her, "That does nothing to win my favor, Hermione. First, you are already a champion. Second, I take no pleasure in your insatiable desire to put yourself at risk."

"You'd be making me happy?" She smiled playfully.

He rolled his eyes, "You are a wicked woman, and I am quite certain that you are intent on killing me."

"Never!" She giggled. "We'd stand a better chance with you helping, you know." _Blimey, witch._

"Your flattery will get you nowhere, Miss Granger," He sipped his coffee again. "Should you find yourself incapable of reigning in your unfortunate Gryffindor tendencies and your name bursts out of that God foresaken Goblet of Fire, I'll have to assist you ans see you through the tournament." His tone was heavy yet had a small amount of playfulness in it.

"How gentlemanly of you, Severus," She tipped her cup to him.

"Gentlemanly has nothing to do with it, Hermione."

"No?"

"No," His eyes glittered. "Being a gentleman would not interest me in that particular context at all, I'm afraid. Winning, Granger. Winning would interest me very much."

She smiled devilishly at him, "How very Slytherin of you."

His fireplace lit up in green, and Minerva called out, "Severus? Hermione? Will you come see me?"

Severus growled lowly, and Hermione said, "Yes, Professor!"

The flames disappeared, and Hermione stood to ready herself to go see McGonagall. Severus watched as she magicked her hair and clothing. The intensity of his gaze did not go unnoticed. She pointed her wand at him, fixed his rather ghastly bedhead, and his pajamas into regular attire. His eyes were burning black embers as he looked at her.

"You know what might also motivate you if I were to be a champion?"

He raised an eyebrow curiously, "Mmm?" He stood and followed her slowly toward the door.

"Escorting me to the Yule Ball for the Champion's Dance."

He groaned loudly and swore under his breath as she laced her fingers into his as she led him to the Headmistress' office.

 _This woman will most certainly be the death of me._


	66. Chapter 66

Author's Note: I don't know why my phone uploaded chapter 65 twice last night. Regardless, this is the real chapter 66. There will be more action ASAP!! For now, some anxiety, some paranoia/PTSD, and some fluff.

Minerva handed them tea as she gestured for them to sit across from her.

"So," She said and looked between the two of them and her eyes rested in Severus, "I have... questions."

"Naturally," Severus said.

"I am very worried about you, Severus," Minerva said, "I have known you since you were a boy, and now... I'm seeing flashes of things that scare me. You nearly killed a man yesterday, and you were adamant that he should be left to die."

Severus' eyes fixed themselves on the desk between them. His jaw was shut tightly. _I scared her..._

"That isn't you, Severus. You are the most controlled person I have ever met," She said softly, "Are you... Are you alright?"

The question broke him, and he was crying in spite of himself. He furiously tried to halt his tears and swiped them angrily from his cheeks. Hermione slid her chair closer to him and grabbed his hand.

"It's okay to not be okay," She said as stroked his hand with her thumb.

"You're not going to let me teach, are you?" He sounded so much younger.

"Nonsense, Severus," She scoffed, "I'm just going to make sure that you are taking proper care of yourself. I did not sleep much at all last night. I was worried sick over you. I read up on this Post-Traumatic Stress in some muggle medical books," Severus eyed her fearfully, "Routine and self-care are most important. I am half-blood, so I have heard of this sort of thing, but it has been many, many years. Truthfully, I do not think you will be the only one who is experiencing some of these symptoms this year. If I am honest... I..." Her voice broke, "I see some things in myself."

 _No. Please no._ Hermione gripped his hand and Severus winced. The thought of Minerva hurting or suffering at all was terrible, "I am sorry, Minerva."

She shook her head, "Keeping a schedule will provide a sense of normalcy, Severus. Professionally and personally. We will be making sure that our students and our professors are well taken care of in all of this."

Severus stared at her and then nodded sharply. Minerva's blue eyes met his and held his gaze, "You are so loved, Severus. Your experiences in this war are unlike any other. There are horrors in your past that none of us could ever compare ours to..."

He shook his head vehemently, "It is not a matter of whose are worse. All horrors are horrifying."

She looked at him, and gave him a small smile, "You're right, Severus. So... Speaking of keeping routine... We've moved Potter's engagement party to tonight in the Great Hall." She smirked, knowing this was not at all a routine and, largely, went again the suggestions she had just made. _Barmy woman._

"What of the man from last night?" Severus asked lowly.

"He currently is saying nothing," Minerva said, "Though I doubt Kingsley will play nicely for much longer."

 _Damn._ Severus looked at her and then said, "Is that all?"

Minerva smiled and said, "Yes, lad. You two should be off enjoying your day. Take pleasure in peace, Severus. You both deserve plenty of it."

"As do you, Professor," Hermione said. _She is so kind._

Severus stood and followed Hermione out of the office. He was silent though he stood behind her more closely than he would have usually. His neediness had not been lost on her as she quickly turned to him at the bottom of the spiral staircase and wrapped her arms around him, "You will be okay, Severus." _Please don't ever go._

He said nothing, but he wrapped his thin arms around her. His nose was soon buried in her hair, sniffing unabashedly. _Almond. Shea. Even without showering. How is that possible?_ He held her tightly to his chest. He did not care who could possibly see them embracing one another in the corridor at the foot of the staircases that led to the Headmistress' office.

She pulled back, much to his dismay, "Do you want to walk? Perhaps by the lake?"

"Whatever my lady desires," He said with a smirk. He followed her amicably to the lake.

She turned to him and chuckled at the sight of him. The day was sunny, hot, and quite lovely. Flowers were bloomed, trees were green, the sun was bright above them. There he was in all thick black.

He narrowed his eyes, "What?"

"Aren't you warm?" She gestured to his clothing.

"Ah," He said with a small grimace, "You think I look strange." He pulled out his wand and touched it to his chest. The black frock coat disappeared. Under it, he wore his usual white dress shirt. He tugged at the cravat and magicked it away.

"I didn't think you look strange," She assured him.

"Out of place then," He said as he looked around the grounds. "You'd be right to say as much."

"Hey!" She stopped him and looked into his dark eyes, "You look wonderful, Severus." Her honey eyes looked at him with such intensity, such love, such desire, that he actually blushed quite furiously. "You have changed so much, Severus. For the better."

"Enough," He said weakly. "I'm already a doe-eyed schoolboy for you." _Merlin, she is a drug and I am addicted._

She laughed and put her arm in the crook of his right elbow. Leaning her head against his arm, she sighed happily.

 _Never in my life._ Never in his life did Severus Snape ever expect to feel so completely happy and comfortable with another person. Never in his life did he expect to find someone with whom he could share his deepest secrets, and his life. Never in his life did he expect to walk the grounds of the only place that had ever felt like home with a beautiful witch on his arm. Never in his life did he expect that witch to be none other than Hermione Granger. But here he was. Doing just that. With her.

As they walked, Severus' eyes continuously scanned the grounds around them. He had seen Remus stumbling from the far side of the Forbidden Forest, the parts of the forest that were not protected by or included in Hogwarts' barriers, and he had seen that blonde werewolf run off toward those ominous trees. Paranoia began to creep up his body from his toes.

Hermione, seeming to sense his tension, looked up at him, "Everything okay?"

He looked down at her, the scars on the lower part of his neck stretched, but didn't hurt. His therapy sessions with Creevey had him making strides in his physical recovery, though his nerve damage would be permanent and he would never again have complete range of motion in his left arm. He nodded at her and gave her a small smile.

"I love you, Hermione," His voice was deep.

"I love you, Severus," She said and smiled at him. "Are you feeling okay?"

"There is a pervasive anxiety inside of me that I have lived with for many years. The only difference now is that I am very much aware of it. For so long, I have occuluded and numbed myself. Now... With you... I cannot. It is no way to live," He said and avoided her gaze. "I cannot be with you and occulude constantly. Now, I must manage my emotions... Like everybody else, I suppose."

She cocked her head and caught his eyes. She reached up and pressed her lips to his lightly. Severus hesitated. They were outside and in full view of any person who might walk in the vicinity, yet he was unable to pull himself away from her touch.

Hermione pulled back and smiled, "You intend to marry me someday, Severus?"

"Indeed, I do," Severus voice was velvet. _She doubts it?_

"I don't doubt you, Severus," Hermione raised an eyebrow. "I just wanted to hear it."

He reached out with his right hand and touched her face, "Hermione, I fully intend to marry you. As soon as you'll have me. As soon as it makes the most sense."

She giggled at the notice, and he kissed her forehead softly, lingering against the smooth skin near her hairline. When he opened his eyes, he could see Hagrid walking toward them and waving from his hut. Severus immediately stepped backward.

Hermione slipped her hand from his and ran to Hagrid, who embraced her and lifted her off of her feet. Severus watched the display with a small twinge of jealousy in his gut. He would never want such a display of affection from anyone, especially not Hagrid, but he envied the numerous loving relationships she had in her life. So many people had spent so many more years loving her. _Damn._

"Professor Snape!" Hagrid boomed as he set Hermione down, "Glad to hear yeh were on our side after all! How are yeh?"

"I am well, and you?" Severus asked casually as his eyes scanned the forest behind Hagrid's hut.

"Been doin' alright! Just makin' sure everythin' is ready for the upcomin' year. Still repairin' bits o' the house here and there," Hagrid said. _Ah. Yes._ The last time Severus had been near Hagrid's home, Bellatrix Lestrange had set it ablaze with his dog inside. Severus trembled slightly as he remembered the howling dog.

"Fang?" Severus inquired. _Poor dog._

"Fang!" Hagrid called out and the giant black boarhound appeared from around the side of the house and trotted to his master.

"You were able to get him out?"

"O' course!" Hagrid patted the dog's head affectionally, "Go an' say 'hello' to Professor Snape!" Hagrid tapped the dog on the butt.

The massive animal stepped toward Severus, whose eyes widened, "That really is not necessary..." but the dog's slobbery tongue was soon licking Snape's hands as he struggled to pull them out of reach.

Hermione laughed and Hagrid chuckled, "Down, boy!" Fang obeyed and laid lazily at Snape's feet.

"I am sorry about your home, Hagrid... Bellatrix..." Severus cringed at even voicing her name.

"Doesn't matter, does it? I got my boy out. Everythin' else can be fixed. You were helpin' us all along! She was mad as a hatter, wasn't she?" Hagrid said.

Severus swallowed, "Yes, I suppose that would be one way to describe her." He looked at Hermione, whose face had hardened a bit.

"Come in and have a drink?" Hagrid beamed.

"Hagrid, it's not even noon yet!" Hermione laughed.

"So?!" Hagrid laughed. Hermione looked to Severus, who shrugged, and then followed the giant dog and giant man into his home.

A shadow caught Severus' eye and he snapped his head toward the trees and held perfectly still. His dark eyes raked the scene before him. Hagrid and Hermione looked back at him.

"Severus?" Hermione asked.

Hagrid said, "Everythin' okay?"

Severus scanned the woods once more and then walked into the house, "I thought I saw something, but it appears I was wrong."

Hagrid handed Hermione a butterbeer, Severus a whiskey glass, and held the bottle of whiskey in his own hand.

"Now, I believe a toast is in order?"

Severus looked at Hagrid, "Potter isn't here. Unless he's under that damned cloak again?"

Hagrid chuckled, "Harry's toast'll be later! This is to you two!"

Severus wrinkled his forehead, "Us?"

"Yeah! Yer relationship with our Hermione!" _Our?_

"Indeed," Severus said lowly and glanced at Hermione.

"Though, I must warn yeh... If you hurt her..."

Snape cut him off, "You'll attack me with that poorly concealed wand in your umbrella?" His eyebrow rose. _Yes, we all know, Hagrid._

Hagrid glanced at the umbrella, and then looked back at Snape, "No, I'll crush yer head with me bare hands."

 _Bloody hell._ Severus frowned a bit, and then shrugged, "Fair enough, I suppose. To not having my head crushed by Hagrid." He raised his glass.

Hermione laughed, raised hers, and Hagrid raised his and said, "To many years of love an' happiness!"

Their glasses clinked together, and they drank. Severus' eyes caught movement outside of Hagrid's window, whic faced the forest. _Fucking hell._

He remained as inanimate as he usually was and watched the window carefully. Severus did not want to draw attention to himself, as he became increasingly aware of his rising panic. His hands began to sweat profusely. He felt cold, yet feverish. Severus' mouth was dry, and bile began to burn in the back of his throat. His heart pounded against his breastbone and there was a ringing in his ears that grew louder with each passing moment. Severus flexed his fingers to stave off the tremors.

The two other people near him did not react to his behavior, and did not seem to sense any danger. Suddenly, Fang began to bark uncharacteristically and wildly. Hermione and Severus drew their wands immediately and stood, and Hagrid reached for his umbrella.

 _At least it's not just me. It's me...and a dog..._


	67. Chapter 67

Warning: a bit of anxiety, a bit of paranoia, and some fluffy Hermione observations.

Severus walked outside of the hut with his wand drawn. He had his left arm extended as far as he could to shield Hermione who had followed him. Hagrid towered over the two of them. Walking into the trees that were still protected, Severus stood as close to the barrier as he dared. His piercing gaze combed as many trees as they possibly could.

"I don't see anything," Hermione said in frustration.

"Me either," Hagrid agreed. "Fang's barkin' probably scared whatever it was off."

Severus' eyes swept the trees around them again. He could not shake the feeling that he was being watched. No man or beast could cross the barrier, but that does not mean they would not try, "We should go back to the castle."

"Lemme put Fang away. I'll walk up with yeh. Got party preparations to make!" Hagrid said in an attempt to lighten the mood. "It was probably nothin', Professor."

"It is never _nothing,"_ Severus said bitterly.

Hermione touched his hand to her back and realized he had sweat through his shirt in fear, "Come on, Severus. Let's go back to the castle. We can have lunch in your chambers and relax until the party tonight."

Severus walked backward several steps, his eyes moving over the trees and then, finally, turned to walk toward the castle behind Hermione. He felt eyes on his back the entire time they walked. Hagrid and Hermione engaged in small talk, but Hermione was focused on Severus' silence, on his sweat soaked shirt, and on his trembling hands. His wand was sparking erratically as he gripped it tightly and he growled, shoved it into his pocket, and clenched his hands into fists.

He walked quickly toward his quarters and Hermione was left half-jogging in his wake, "Severus!"

He froze, waited for her to catch up, and then resumed walking. His apology to her was mumbled and he allowed her to enter his rooms before her.

"Severus?"

"I'm not bloody crazy, Hermione!" He said. His eyes were ablaze.

"Nobody said you were," Her forehead wrinkled.

"Someone, or something, was in those woods," The frustration in his voice was thick and palpable.

"I believe you, Severus."

"I'm _not_ crazy," He said. Then, his face changed. It went from defiance and stubbornness to a broken insecurity she had very rarely seen on it. "Am I?"

She stepped toward him and put her hands on his hips, "You're not crazy. I believe you. Hagrid believes you." His hands were shaking horribly and she grabbed them in hers, "It's okay. It's okay."

"It never stops," His teeth were chattering. His breathing was uneven. _Never stops. Never. Never._

She pulled him to the couch as the panic overwhelmed him. Wrapping her arms around him, she pulled him close to her body. She whispered, "It will pass, Severus."

After a few minutes, he settled down to the point of almost calm. She adjusted on the couch so that she was nestled into the left arm, and he laid his head in her lap. He was laying on his right side facing in toward the couch and toward her body. His right hand was under her thigh and his left hand clutched at her shirt. She rested her right hand on his ribs and tangled her left hand in his black hair.

She stared at him for a moment. His hair was thick and jet black around her fingers. There was a little stubble on his face and neck. His hooked nose looked a bit like it had been broken once or twice a long time ago and had been poorly reset. He didn't care about his appearance, and he'd said as much before, but he was quite clean. He showered nearly every day and her fingers ran through silky, thick, and wavy hair. It was so much longer than she could ever remember seeing. His eyebrows were as black as his hair, and there was a line between them above his nose which gave him the appearance of constantly questioning the things around him. It was only too true. He had high cheekbones, but his cheeks were a bit sunken. He really needed to eat more. The hand on his ribs agreed. His jaw line was sharp, but not obnoxiously so.

He was much more attractive than he'd ever believe, well, at least he was when he wasn't verbally annihilating the people around him. His eyes, which had closed, had the tiniest almond shape to them. Yes, they were dark, but black usually only best described the dark brown that they were. Sometimes, in the right light and mood, which he rarely allowed at the same time, you could see the russet brown. Usually, though, they were onyx. He sighed heavily, and Hermione realized he had fallen asleep. His body seemed to, finally, totally relax under her hand and fingers.

She continued to stroke his hair as she pondered how lucky she was that she had earned the trust of one of the most complicated and damaged human beings she'd ever met. For him to allow her as close as she was, touching him, and for him to trust her enough to fall asleep on her lap would have been impossible or unthinkable to many of the people closest to her. He had his faults and, at times, they were glaring. He was jealous, even if he did his best to contain it now, cynical, depressive, and bitterly sarcastic. Severus was also moody, untrusting, self-deprecating, quick to anger and slow to forgive, and he could be dangerously unpredictable. Hermione had, fortunately, worked him out a bit more than the average person by now so he was at least semi-predictable to her. He could be a vindictive bully at times, unflatteringly so. Severus could also be petty and had a penchant for sulking. He was flawed, and, when Hermione said he lived his life with good intentions, Severus had bitterly reminded her that _the road to Hell is paved with good intentions._ These were all true, and Hermione knew them better than anyone else alive probably. Except perhaps Minerva.

But as she looked at his sleeping form she could not help but be overwhelmed by all the good inside of him. He was brave, unfailingly loyal, and a man of his word. He had, many times, told her that he would give himself up as a spy, knowing how valuable his position was, to keep her safe if he needed to. He very nearly did. He risked his life day in and day out for them. He was calculating, powerful, and stronger than anyone she had met. His stoicism was admirable, and had probably saved his life many a time. It would, probably, be unwise to play poker with Severus Snape. His intelligence and wit were legendary. While he did complain at times about the things that were asked of him, as he should have done, he did them regardless.

She was lucky to see even more of Severus than anyone else, even people he might consider friends like Minerva or perhaps, on a good day, Harry. He was kind to her, never pushing or pressuring for more of anything. His watchful eyes kept her as safe as they possibly could. He indulged her energetic rants about whatever fancied her at any given moment. Severus was sweet and tender toward her, and would do anything to make sure she was taken care of. His thoughtfulness was endearing, and he had, more than once, shown a bit of romanticism. If she ever pointed _that_ out, he'd laugh in her face. Despite his best efforts to convince her otherwise, he was charming and funny, and was able to banter with her in a way nobody else could. Whatever she wanted, he gave her without question. He was not a physically demonstrative man in public, yet he would do things, like stand very near her or touch his hand to her lower back or hold her hand sometimes, because he knew those things were important to her. His commitment to her was something that made her knees go weak. She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was loyal to her. She knew, rationally, that Lily would always hold some piece of his heart, but that he had worked very hard, and was working very hard, at putting his past behind him. Their future was his priority, and of this, Hermione was certain.

She stared at him as he slept. His breathing was slow, deep, and even. She conjured a pillow behind her head so she wouldn't have a stiff neck, and leaned into its softness. God knows he needed sleep, and so did she. Sleep found her quite quickly.

 _'They were great men, with huge flaws, and you know what - those flaws almost made them greater.'_


	68. Chapter 68

Author's Note: I promise more plot soon. Sometimes, you just gotta enjoy a moment, you know? Let them have a bit of fluff! Just a bit...

It felt a bit like deja vu as Severus watched Horace Slughorn pour champagne into the flutes on the table in the Great Hall. Severus looked around as the same crowd from the previous evening was slowly gathering. His anxiety was high, but the Calming Draught he had taken was helping.

He watched Hermione weave herself in and out of conversations. She was graceful in every way, and everything he would never be. Hermione was warm, charismatic, and inviting in a way that he couldn't be. She was born to teach, to care, to nurture. Her true beauty was rooted in her very soul, and that beauty shimmered across her skin every day.

He was leaning against a wall dressed in his usual black. She caught his eyes briefly, and he shifted them away quickly as his cheeks flushed a bit at having bit caught staring at her so blatantly. His dark hair fell in his face as he stared into the champagne in his glass. As he watched the bubbles, someone approached from his left. It was Lupin.

"Severus," Remus greeted him, and he shifted his son to his other arm.

"Lupin," Severus said curtly.

"How are you?" Lupin's voice was quiet and filled with concern.

"I've taken a Calming Draught, so you needn't worry if I will turn murderous again or not," Severus' voice was cold.

"That's not at all what I mean, and you know that," Remus said lowly.

Severus sighed and spun the liquid in his glass a bit to have something to do with himself. Remus was staring at him so he ground out, "What?"

"I don't like them either," Remus said.

"Like what?"

"Crowds," Remus said.

Severus' dark eyes snapped up to the man's face. Remus was staring at him intently and Severus looked away, "Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm being perfectly serious. Why shouldn't they make us nervous? We're pariahs."

Severus snorted and glanced at Lupin quickly before looking away, "You're Dumbledore's pet werewolf. Nobody wants your head on a spike." Severus voice was acidic.

"And you're Dumbledore's pet Death Eater," Remus said plainly and he saw Severus' jaw twitch. "You don't have to admit you're nervous in crowds now, but I just wanted you to know I feel similarly. I feel quite paranoid. I'm always looking for the exit, always watching those I love most closely."

"The absurdity of this conversation... I will sit in this hall for meals every day with hundreds of students."

"Yes, and that doesn't mean you'll feel comfortable, does it?" Remus was growing irritated. "Look at me." Dark eyes found his, "Do not look away from me. Where is Hermione right now?"

Severus set his teeth, "Behind me. To my left. Talking with Hagrid."

"How many walking steps would it take to reach her?"

"Six."

"How many walking steps from her to the nearest exit?"

"Four."

"If you were to have to run..."

"You've made your point, Lupin," Severus growled. "I do not enjoy crowds. I never did, but I loathe them even more now."

Lupin smiled, but there was no pleasure or joy in the gesture, "Here comes Harry."

Severus turned toward the door to see Harry Potter walking in with his fiancée on his arm. They were grinning ear to ear as the crowd erupted into applause. Hermione greeted Potter and Weasley with a hug and a kiss on the cheek for each of them and then she made her way to Severus. She smiled at him and he inclined his head.

"They look happy," She said as she smiled.

Severus followed her gaze. Potter and Weasley, who were facing away from him, were talking with Slughorn and Flitwick. Severus stiffened and held his breath. He was no longer looking at Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley. For a moment, he was staring at the backs of James and Lily Potter. Hermione seemed to sense his tension and turned to look at him.

"You okay?" She asked curiously.

Severus, staring at the back of Harry's head, exhaled slowly and quietly, "Yes." _Let's add hallucinations to my laundry list of issues..._

She narrowed her eyes, but she didn't press him on the matter. She turned back around and Severus shivered. He felt cold all over his body. The man turned and Severus was tremendously relieved to see that it was, indeed, Harry. Remus was eyeing Severus, but the dark haired man avoided the werewolf's gaze. Severus pulled his occulumency shields firmly into place and the paranoid thoughts were buried soon enough.

Eventually, the couple made their way to Hermione, Severus, and Remus. Remus pulled Harry into a one -armed hug and kissed Ginny's cheek.

"Congratulations, Harry. Ginny," Remus smiled at them. The couple waved at and cooed over little Teddy, who giggled happily in his father's arms.

Harry's eyes moved from the baby to Severus. Out of habit, there was a flicker of aversion in the green eyes, but it faded quickly into amicability. He smiled at Severus.

Severus stuck out a pale hand, "Congratulations."

Harry shook it firmly and then Severus moved his hand to Ginny, "Congratulations," He said. Ginny shook his hand.

"You're all set for the upcoming year, Professor?" Harry asked.

Severus waved his question off dismissively, "You shall see."

"How about opening that dueling club again, eh, Severus?" Remus said beside him. "We could run it together."

Severus raised an eyebrow at him, "If I should be agreeable to that, I would not go easy on you."

"I wouldn't expect you to!" Remus barked a laugh.

Suddenly, music was playing, and Slughorn was ordering people to the space in the hall that had been cleared for dancing. Hermione was pulled to the center by George Weasley, who had the audacity to wink at Severus over her shoulder. Severus glared at him, but he held no authority over Weasley any longer. _I did sever his ear nearly entirely. I suppose he can have her for one dance..._

One song ended, and Hagrid had Hermione dancing with him for the next song. He sipped his champagne as he watched the woman he loved more than anything dance effortlessly with anyone who asked for a dance. She was kind, sweet, and far, far too good for him. Remus slowed a dance with her down as a song came to its close. Freddie Mercury's voice flooded his ears. Remus caught his eyes, smirked, and raised an eyebrow at him.

 _My, how my life has changed..._

He downed his drink as he locked eyes with her. Long strides had him in front of her in a moment, "Miss Granger..." His voice was deep and rich.

She smiled and blushed under the intensity of his gaze. He could sense eyes on the pair of them as she whispered, "Professor Snape?"

"Dance with me," He said, lowering his voice even more and he smirked when he saw the gooseflesh on her arms.

She grinned at him as she took his proffered hand in hers and his left hand settled on her waist. He could see the hint of a champagne buzz in the pinkness of her cheeks. _My Hermione._

He bent his head and put his mouth next to her ear, "You look happy."

"I am happy, Severus. I did not think you would dance with me."

"And waste one of the rare public opportunities I will have for God knows how long to let everyone know _you are mine_?" He watched as she shivered and he pulled her closer to him. _Never._

He could feel himself growing anxious under the eyes of the people around him. _Damn._ He knew, rationally, that he could trust them with this intimacy, and as his dark eyes moved around the room quickly, he met Minerva's gaze. She tipped her champagne glass to him and winked. _Bloody hell._

His face grew hot, and he forced himself to focus on the music, to focus on the witch in his arms. He could feel the warmth of her body radiating off of her and, like a moth to a flame, he was drawn closer. She was humming the melody, and he smiled slightly. His smile was concealed by his long hair. He hummed in sync into her ear and she looked up at him. Her whiskey colored eyes were wide.

"You know this song?" She sounded surprised.

"Even amongst wizards, Freddie Mercury is legendary. Queen is a favorite, I must admit," He said quietly.

"Really?"

"Oh, yes," He answered.

"I thought you might know of their more popular songs. I didn't expect you to know this one."

"I may not be a "popular" man, Hermione, but I did say I liked the band, not just a few songs." He whispered the next words to the song in her ear. "Just one year of love is better than a lifetime alone. One sentimental moment in your arms is like a shooting star right through my heart."

She giggled as the song came to a slow close. He pulled away from her a bit and gave her a little bow. Her smile widened and he gestured to the table where there was food and drink. She followed him happily.

"Nice to see you join in the party for once, Severus," Slughorn said merrily.

Severus raised an eyebrow, "Indeed."

Hermione laughed as Slughorn sauntered off away from the couple, "He's right, you know. I figured you would hold up that wall over there all night."

"As did I. I suppose that Calming Draught you forced down my throat dulled my senses a bit," He smirked.

She rolled her eyes, "Oh, please."

He chuckled. It was a sound that came from deep inside his chest. Ronald Weasley approached them, "'Mione, I think you've danced with every Weasley here, but me." Severus straightened up behind her and glared down at the youngest Weasley boy. Ron shrunk backward a bit.

"Odd that you'll dance with me now, but wouldn't at the Yule Ball," She said pointedly.

"Grown up a bit since then."

"Hardly," Severus scowled.

"Severus..." Hermione's voice had a warning tone in it, "Sure, Ron." She followed him back toward the crowd of dancing people. Minerva was dancing happily with Slughorn and Teddy. The boy's hair was changing all sorts of colors.

Severus grunted and retuned to hold up his wall. His black hair shrouded his face and his eyes scanned the crowd. The song was up tempo and Hermione was jumping around with Ronald, who was soon joined by George.

Harry stepped up next to him, "Severus. I'm glad you came. I really am. I'm happy you danced too."

"I live to make you happy, Potter," Severus answered. His voice was cold, but not spiteful, as he watched Hermione jump around with the red headed menaces.

"It will be nice to be back here," Harry ignored Severus' snark. His temper had diminished significantly now that the weight of the world was no longer on his shoulders. "I'm sure you feel the same now."

Severus flicked his head and cast some of his hair out of his face. He didn't answer, and Harry continued. "Feels a bit weird though. Like coming home after moving out. I thought about it on the way to the forest that day."

Black eyes looked at him intensely as Harry continued to speak, "We were a weird trio. Me. You. Voldemort."

Severus flinched and looked away. He had no interest in hearing himself related to the Dark Lord, but he couldn't stop Potter for some reason unbeknownst to him. He was entranced.

"The abandoned boys, you know? We found home here. All three of us."

Severus ground his molars together. Luna appeared, "It's even weirder when you think about the Deathly Hallows."

Severus narrowed his eyes. Her long white-blonde hair fell down her back. There was a slur in her airy voice. The witch didn't look intoxicated. _Nobody can tell with this one._

"How do you mean?" Harry asked curiously. His green eyes focused on Ginny as she danced with Teddy.

"The one who died for power," Luna started. "That'd be Voldemort. The one who died for love. That'd be Professor Snape. The one who greeted death like an old friend. You," She looked at Harry. _Fucking hell. No._

Severus glared at her but, as usual, she was unphased. A group approached Harry to say their goodbyes. Severus stalked off toward Hermione.

"You're ready, Severus?"

"Yes," His mouth barely moved.

"You're alright?"

"Lovely," There was a distant chill in his voice.

"Let's call it a night, then," She gave him a small smile. "You look overly socialized. Shall we?" He grunted in response.

"Goodnight, Ginny, Harry," Hermione said to her friends as she hugged them.

"Snape, don't worry about Luna," Harry said and Hermione looked at Severus and furrowed her brow.

Severus locked eyes with Potter, "There are many worrisome things about Miss Lovegood. Her apparent opinion of me is but one on a long list."

Harry snorted, and then nodded, "Night then. See you at the start of term!"

Severus and Hermione made their way to his quarters and she asked, "What'd Luna say?"

He shrugged a bit as he opened the door to his rooms for her, "She says a lot of things, Hermione. Nearly all of them make sense only to her."

"She's very smart, Severus."

"I did not say otherwise." _Quite the contrary actually. She may be too smart._

"So what did she say? It obviously has you a bit worked up?"

He sighed as his nearly nerve-less fingers stumbled with the buttons on his coat, "She implied that the Dark Lord, Potter, and I were representative or symbolic of the bloody Deathly Hallows."

Hermione's forehead wrinkled, "I... oh..." She has, apparently, worked out how Lovegood had meant it.

"I guess I could see it. It's a bit literary, though," She snorted.

Severus rolled his eyes, "Hopefully, she keeps her symbolism to herself. I am not going to be martyred, or painted as some hopeless romantic."

Hermione looked at him, noticed the tremor in his hands, and stepped forward, "You're safe, Severus. Those people back there. They care for you. They're your friends now. I know you're stressed."

He looked down his hooked nose at her. His eyes were darkened with anxiety and his shields dropped completely, and he spoke very softly, "For a moment..."

She looked up at his face, "What's wrong?"

Severus avoided her eyes, "For a moment... I was not seeing Harry and Ginerva."

Hermione looked confused, "What do you mean?"

"I am losing my mind, Hermione." _I am losing it. I think I may have already lost it._

She realized what he was saying and hugged him tightly, "It's easy to glance and see it. I could see what you're saying, Severus. It's been a long couple years. Longer even for you. Trust me. Trauma is forever. It manifests in the strangest ways and strangest places. We're not out of the woods yet, but we're nearly there." He shuddered hard in her embrace and buried his nose in her hair.

 _Almond. Shea._


	69. Chapter 69

Hermione looked at Severus as the last of her stuff packed up into her trunk neatly. Wonky, one of the freed elves choosing to remain at Hogwarts post War, took Hermione's trunk to Gryffindor tower. Severus' head was hung slightly and his hair concealed most of his faces. He was quiet and had been for the entire morning. He was more pale than usual, and when she caught a flash of his cheek, she saw his jaw muscle jumping.

"Are you ready to go meet Professor McGonagall?"

He jerked his head in a sort of stubborn nod and walked toward the door. His black cloak billowed behind him. When he grabbed the door handle, she touched his arm and he shuddered visibly.

"Severus..." Her voice was quiet. "I do not want to live anywhere else either."

He bowed his head and sighed heavily. "I imagine that this feels a bit like a breakup," He admitted softly. "Not that I have any experience." There was a bitterness in his voice that sounded like the teenage boy he'd once been.

"It's not, my love," She said and gripped his arm.

He exhaled slowly and nodded, then opened the door. Severus allowed her to pass so she could exit first. He walked with more distance between them than he usually did. _I suppose I should get used to it._

When they arrived in the Headmistress' office, Remus Lupin was already sitting in one of now three chairs across from Minerva.

"Ah. Yes. Severus. Hermione. Come in!" She smiled at the pair. Severus sat on the end, and Hermione sat between the two wizards.

"So, to business..." Minerva said as she eyed Severus and Hermione. "Because of the celebrity of your relationship, I feel I must put parameters around your schedule, Hermione. Personally, I do not feel that pulling you from Severus' classes is necessary. To be honest, your relationship with him will probably just make his expectations of you even higher." _This is absolutely embarrassing._

Hermione snorted. "That's probably accurate," She glanced at Severus. His hair was shielding most of his face and his dark eyes were trained on Minerva's desk leg.

"Remus will be teaching you Defense Against the Dark Arts as an independent study during the time that you would normally have class with Severus. He will use the exact same curriculum that Severus will be using."

Hermione looked at Remus, "I guess you're stuck with me double time."

Remus said, "It is no trouble at all. You were and are one of my favorites, Hermione. You will far exceed any and all expectations, I am sure." _Favorite?_

"Remus, that's all I've got for you at this point," Minerva nodded at him and Remus stood.

"I cannot ever thank you enough for what you're doing for me, for my son, Headmistress," He said seriously.

"I did what is right."

"Not what is easy," Remus said. "I know about the letters from parents already."

Severus eyes flicked to Minerva's face, and her lips were pressed in a thin line. "The greatest obstacle to progress is prejudice. It will not happen in my school," She assured Remus. He nodded, thanked her again quietly, and then left.

"Now," Minerva moved her eyes back and forth between Hermione and Severus. Hermione met her eyes, but Severus did not. "I don't really want to dwell on all of this too much. I am looking after the school's reputation in all of this, but more importantly, I am protecting the pair of you. Your reputations mean the world to me. You deserve my support. _Both_ of you," She stressed as she stared at Severus. He still wasn't looking at her.

"I know. We both appreciate your support, Professor," Hermione said calmly.

"You'll have to eat separately, except for weekends when Severus does not have meal duty. You may do as you wish then. Unfortunately, I must ask for respectable distance, most especially during school hours," Minerva said. "Truly, it pains me to ask that as I am so happy you are happy. I wish no further suffering upon either of you."

"I understand, Professor. Are we able to meet in the evenings to spend time together?" Hermione asked.

 _Yeah. Right._

"Of course. Just be discrete. If you are not being so, be in a group. Be... mindful, Hermione. For everyone's sake. The last thing anyone needs is more bad press," Minerva sighed loudly.

"Certainly, Professor."

"You should go and unpack your things in Gryffindor Tower. I need to speak with Severus," She eyed the dark haired professor.

Hermione smiled slightly, looked at Severus, who avoided her eyes, and left for her dormitory.

"Do stop looking like I've kicked your dog, Severus," Minerva said. There was annoyance in her voice.

He scowled, moved his eyes to the window, and ground his teeth.

"I'm not trying to hurt you..." She sounded a bit defeated and he slumped forward in the chair. His face rested in his hands. He rubbed irritably at his eyes.

"I know," He ground out eventually. _It hurts nonetheless._

"I want to give you as many liberties as I can... As much privilege as I can."

He looked back out the window for a moment. His face was thoughtful. There was several day's shadow on his cheeks and down his neck. "She will be able to participate in the dueling club if I run it with Lupin?"

"Of course. God have mercy on the poor soul who tries to tell her otherwise."

"And I can help her with the Tri-Wizard Tournament?" His onyx eyes settled on her face.

"Of course. She has expressed interest in putting a team into the Goblet of Fire?"

"Yes," He said through his teeth. _Damn her for it._

"Her name will have to be chosen, Severus," Minerva said. She was trying to be assuring.

"You know damn well Hermione Granger gets what she wants. There is no way in Hell that she puts her name in and doesn't get chosen," His voice was brittle and icy. "She's a hellcat, Minerva. And I blame you almost entirely."

The older witch smirked and then sighed, "I was just trying to be optimistic."

He raised an eyebrow and drawled, "Is that optimism or ignorance?"

"Ignorance is bliss, Severus," She chuckled a bit and then looked at him closely. "You need to be taking better care of yourself. Should you not, you'll find that your Headmistress is more than capable of teaching your classes."

He was pale, gaunt, and his eyes were still dark underneath. Even when he was occluding, his eyes had a wild look about them. Severus was lost in this new world. In many ways, he still felt as if it weren't real. His robes hung loosely on his body. _I don't fit in here. I don't fit in here._

His lip twitched. "I am 38-years-old, Minerva."

"Then act like it. You will eat three meals a day. _Eat._ You will check in with Poppy as well."

"I don't need mothering," He growled. _Leave me well enough alone._

"Don't try it with me, Severus. You'll do as I say because you want to teach. I'd wager it would be rather boring to sit around all day with nothing to do while Hermione is in classes," She raised an eyebrow.

He huffed, but could find no argument there. _Dammit._

"Severus, please."

He looked at her and contacted his eyebrows. "What?"

"Let us take care of you." Her voice was soft and pleading.

He looked at her for a moment. It looked as if, for a second, he considered saying something sarcastic, but he didn't. He simply nodded, looked away, and then looked back at her face. "Minerva?"

"Yes, lad?"

"If I were to marry her, does that change any part of this arrangement whilst she is taking classes here?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Severus..."

"Perhaps not marriage. A proposal then...?" His cheeks reddened a bit. _Blimey. Am I really discussing this? The world is mad._

"I suppose it would change some things, but not all. Are you trying to tell me something?"

He was quiet for a minute. "No," He said finally. "No. Not yet."

She watched his face as he worked through his own thoughts. "Yet?"

"I cannot imagine you allowing me to escort Hermione to the Yule Ball as merely her Professor. Perhaps..." His voice lowered, "As her fiancé?"

Minerva's eyes went wide, but she shook her head, "Oh, Severus... I'm... I... We will have to figure out something else. Surely, exceptions can be made."

"I would hope, as Headmistress, you would make such an exception, though I understand if you feel in your heart that it is not for the best."

She smirked. Her face was ornery. "That's what we'll have them all believing."

He met her steady gaze and then smiled, "How very Slytherin of you."

"I have been spending far too much time with you," She winked at him.

 _There is no greater friend._


	70. Chapter 70

Hermione did not stay with him that night before students were to arrive. She elected to go to the Burrow so that she could ride the Hogwarts Express a final time with her friends. He understood the sentiment, of course, but he couldn't help but want to beg her to stay. It would have been a losing battle, so, in the end, he made no qualms. Their goodbye had been brief as she was filled with energy and excitement of the new school year starting.

Severus sat in his quarters watching the flames in his fireplace flicker. The fire danced in his eyes. Another year at Hogwarts was upon him. He had spent more of his life in that castle than anywhere else. When a knock came at his door, he jumped. Truthfully, he was completely unused to anyone desiring his company at all, other than Hermione, though he still found himself surprised at times when with her.

"Enter," He said in a deep voice. The door swung open and Remus Lupin walked in with his son.

"Severus," He said in a friendly tone.

Severus' dark eyes followed him as he sat down on the his couch. The now blue-haired child in his arms was half asleep. "Remus. Do make yourself at home," He drawled sarcastically.

"Do you still get nervous at the beginning of each school year? Maybe I just am because it's only my second year teaching."

Severus looked into the fire. "Usually, no. I am not nervous. I am, however, this time around."

"I imagine this year feels a bit different for everyone."

"I find myself at a loss. I did not expect to live."

"I did expect to live, and I feel lost. My wife...I never expected..." He stumbled on the words. "There are many things we shall face in this year, in this new world, that will be challenging. Many of which will be unexpectedly challenging, I would imagine," Remus said.

Severus nodded. The flames crackled in the stone fireplace. "There have already been letters about me as well."

"You're a good man, Severus. Nobody else could have done what you did," Remus looked at him.

"You cannot make me out to be black or white, bad or good, Remus. I am all gray," Severus said coldly.

"You are a good man," Remus repeated. "It should mean something coming from me. We grew up resenting one another. It should mean something that _I_ say that."

"No. I am not. I cannot be _just_ a saint. I bear the Dark Mark on my arm, I'm vindictive, and I'm a bully. I cannot be _just_ a sinner. I protected Harry Potter. The information I relayed as a spy was invaluable. I nearly gave my life for the wizarding world," Though his words were heavy, his voice was strangely calm. It was as if he had completely accepted these things about himself. "I am all gray."

"Sirius once told Harry that we all have both light and dark inside us."

Severus scowled at the mention of Sirius Black. "How sentimental of him."

Remus shifted Teddy in his arms, who was now completely asleep. Remus realized his mistake at mentioning Sirius. There was hope for Lupin to have at least a little friendliness with Severus, but with James or Sirius, there was none.

"Where is he staying during your classes?" Severus looked at the wild blue hair. _The boy certainly takes after his mother's inclination for dramatic flare._

"Her parents will watch him most days. I'll either take him there or they'll come here. There are a couple other staff who have asked to watch him - Poppy, and Pomona."

Severus looked away, and was quiet.

Remus spoke again, "You don't believe in redemption?"

"Are we speaking philosophically or personally?"

"Both," Remus said as his blue eyes watched the flames.

"Remeption is all well and good in theory, but we either never know we attain it in life and only find out with our death, or we accept it for ourselves from other people. Perhaps, some people even afford it to themselves. It is too abstract."

Remus was quiet and thoughtful. "So you believe you are beyond redemption?"

"I am not one for ideals, Lupin."

"No, I'm sure you are not."

"I did not do what I did for most of my life because it was 'good.' I am no hero. I assure you of that. You, at least, have always known this," Severus' voice was deep and even.

"What I thought and what I now know are very different."

"I did what was needed of me. I did what I could to expiate my own guilt. At my core, I am a selfish man," Severus admitted. _I have always been selfish._

"For someone who is so acutely aware of his faults, you do not seem to have any awareness whatsoever of your strengths," Remus noted.

"Quite the contrary," Severus said.

"Really? Then what are they? Your strengths?"

"Potions. Dark Arts and their Defense."

"I'm not talking about bloody academics. I'm talking as a man. What are your strengths? You're quick to point out your flaws."

Severus stared into the fire. "I suppose I am driven and, once committed, I am fully dedicated."

Remus was quiet as he waited for Severus to continue. When he didn't, the werewolf looked at him. "That's it?"

Severus scowled into the fire. "Did you expect a soliloquy?" _Fuck off._

"I would've expected more than dedicated and driven," Remus huffed.

"We're _not_ friends, Lupin."

"Sure, Severus," Remus stood with Teddy in his arms. "I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast."

Severus did not acknowledge that he had either moved or spoken. He stared straight ahead into the fire. Lupin's footsteps stopped at the door.

"For the record, Severus... Loyal. Brave. Intelligent. Moreover, you're something that many grown adults never come to be..."

"Lupin, you are taking too many liberties. Leave, or I'll throw you out with your pup," Snape snarled.

"You are repentant," Lupin said with finality. "Goodnight." The door closed and warded behind him.

Severus was shocked by Remus' attempts to compliment him, and irritated. Those traits were not ones he would attach to himself, though the last one Remus had said certainly had struck a nerve. _Repentant._ Lily had forgiven him. Harry has forgiven him. Minerva. Horace. Pomona. Filius. Molly. Arthur... The list went on. Hermione had forgiven him over and over and over. He'd wake up crying and begging forgiveness and, even if it wasn't her forgiveness to give, she gave it endlessly. Over and over. Again and again.

 _'Forgiveness, like happiness, isn't a final destination. You don't one day get there and get to stay.'_


	71. Chapter 71

Author's Note: Moving to plot soon! Building! Also, sorry my Sorting Hat song is totally awful. Good Lord, that's harder than it seems.

Severus did not sleep well that night at all. He had grown used to sleeping next to Hermione, and her absence was hard on him. His bed felt too big and too cold on his own. Snape never slept well, but his nights were less anxiety ridden with her by his side.

He dressed in his usual professorial attire. Black dragon hide boots, black trousers, and frock coat, with buttons upon buttons. His black cloak draped over his shoulders. He glanced at the clock. Tuesday, September 1st, 1998. This is a day he never expected to see. Last year, on September 1st, Severus expected it to be his last Start of Term feast.

 **I missed you terribly last night, Severus.**

 _And I, you, Hermione._

 **Are you upset that I did not stay with you? I think perhaps I should have done.**

 _Upset, yes, but not at you. I understand your reasoning. I am also a jealous man. Surely, you know this by now._

 **You are my jealous man.**

 _For as long as you will have me._

 **I miss you.**

 _I miss you._

 **I will see you soon, my love. Try not to stare.**

 _I could say the same thing to you. You see, I am wearing those pants you claim to like so much... And my cloak is in full billow._

 **You do not fight fair.**

 _I am a Slytherin, my dear._

 **I love you, Severus.**

 _And I love you, Hermione._

When Severus stalked into the breakfast hall, all of the staff turned to look at him. Already, he was uncomfortable with attention. He knew he would garner a significant amount more attention at the beginning of the school year this time around. _They know. They all know the one thing I wanted to myself._

Minerva has tried to assure him that it would die down as the term got underway, and as he established himself as the formidable and strict professor once more. _The gossip will remain. The whispers..._

After breakfast, Severus spent the remainder of his day making last minute preparations in his classroom. When he finished with that, he continued his research into reversing memory spells. St. Mungo's has been working extensively on Gilderoy Lockhart, but had not had any luck thus far. Lockhart, though, was a special case. Because the spell backfired due to a broken wand, it was much more intense than the spell Hermione used.

 **The train has started moving, Severus.**

 _Safe travels, my heart._

He glanced at the clock a bit later when a knock came at his classroom door. It was Minerva.

"Good afternoon, Professor Snape," She smirked at him.

He glanced up at her from his research, "Headmistress. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"You missed lunch," She said in a chastising tone.

"Indeed," He said. "I did tell you I don't need mothering."

"You certainly did. And I did tell _you_ that I will have your job should you not take care of yourself. Now," She waved her wand. "I've brought lunch. Eat with me."

Severus pushed his work out of the way begrudgingly and stabbed at the food with his fork.

"Memory charms, Severus?"

He looked at her, and then hurriedly closed the books next to him.

She raised an eyebrow as she took a sip of her drink, "You're looking to set Hermione's parents right again?"

"Yes," He admitted and then ground his teeth together.

"You, of all people, know it's not possible."

"Probable. It's not probable," He said. "It's possible. I haven't tried anything yet. There are documented stories of people who have had their memories restored."

"Partially. Nobody has had it all brought back as it was."

"I must do something, Minerva. I orphaned her," He gripped his fork tightly as his hands began to shake again.

"I will help you. I will seek out aid," She said softly. "I did not mean to upset you, lad."

He grunted and focused on his breathing. She began to speak about the feast and Sorting Ceremony. Eventually, he calmed enough to finish most of his meal.

"You're very nervous about this evening," She said it like it was a question, but it wasn't a question.

Severus' eyes moved quickly around his plate and then it vanished as he waved his wand quickly. His body language closed off and he pulled his shields into place.

"Don't do that, lad," She said. "You can't fool me. You're worried. The drama. The gossip columns. The books."

He furrowed his brow. "The books?"

"Oh, you've not heard? Hermione must have kept it from you."

"Kept _what_ from me?" He could feel his temper sparking.

"That wench Rita Skeeter's latest book. _Snape: Scoundrel or Saint?_ "

His eyes widened and hatred flickered for a second in their dark depths. Then, he did something quite unexpected. He laughed. Hard. "That bitch!" His laugh was full-bellied, and his smile stretched long across his face. He cocked his head back, his hair falling behind his face.

Minerva watched the sight for a moment in awe. He really could be beautiful when he wasn't scowling at the world. His laugh was thick, rich, and deep. She burst out laughing with him. For a couple minutes, that's all they did. When they calmed, he wiped the tears from his eyes and she did the same.

"I'm sure it's great literature," Severus said. "I will have to get a copy."

"We'll have a book club, yes?" Minerva chuckled and rested her hand over her heart. "Merlin, Severus. I have not laughed like that in too long."

He smiled and nodded. "Nor have I."

"Well, I'll leave you to it, my boy," Minerva said and rose from her seat across from him. "Rest assured, Severus. You, your position at this school, your reputation, and your relationship... It's all protected."

"There are people who will hate you for it. They want my head, Minerva."

"They'll get it over my dead body, Severus Snape, and you know that would be no easy feat."

He smirked a bit and watched her leave. Once the door closed behind her, he reopened his books and buried himself in them once more. There he stayed for hours until he was expected at the Sorting Ceremony. Hermione had told him she had arrived, and with the other students who were not first years, they'd arrived in their dorm and changed into their uniforms and then headed toward the Great Hall.

Before leaving his classroom, he magicked his research to his private quarters, and then downed two Calming Draughts. He headed to the feast and took the corridors he knew would be empty. When he walked, his black cloak billowed in his wake. Severus took the passage that staff took, that led directly to the front of the hall at the staff table. When he swung the door open, the Hall silenced.

Glancing down the staff table, he noticed he was the last staff member to arrive though he had arrived over 20 minutes early. He felt his face flush a bit, and his stomach churned. _Fuck. They're all staring at me._

Then, suddenly, someone was clapping. His eyes scanned the crowd desperately and saw that Harry bloody Potter was standing and clapping in the silence. Beside him, Hermione stood and joined him. Then, the Weasleys. Soon, the students in the hall were all standing and applauding and staring at him. _The boy who lived to bloody embarrass me..._

"Settle down, settle down!" Minerva commanded loudly.

Severus bowed awkwardly before taking his seat in a hurry. He kept his eyes downcast on the table and only spoke briefly to Slughorn next to him a couple of times. Soon enough, Flitwick escorted the nervous and fidgeting First Years into the hall. Then, and only then, when the attention was on the young students did he sneak a glance at Hermione. She met his eyes fervently and smiled at him. To all the world, he did not react. To her, his face lit up to have her attention for even just that moment.Then, Filius began the Sorting Ceremony speech, and set the hat on the very same stool he had sat on so many years ago. _A lifetime ago..._ The old hat began to speak

"At Hogwarts, there can now be harmony

United, indivisible and true

I will sort you in to your Houses

And you will be surprised what you can do

We rise now from perils dark and drear

War and fear are now our history

The Sorting Hat's song is sung again

These Houses, for you, present a mystery

It pains me to separate you at all

But we must rely on our strongest traits

Together, we will rebuild our world

The four are the most formidable teammates

Don't fret if you don't feel as if you fit just one

You will grow and change in your journey

You'll be them all - red, green, blue, yellow

You will discover yourself in all this learning

Hufflepuffs are patient and loyal, it's true

They're friendly fair folk and are tenacious

Yet House Head Sprout is also courageous, wise

Resourceful, and quite gracious

Ravenclaws are intelligent and analytical

Independence and creativity run deep

House Head Flitwick also is bold, driven

Hardworking - as you sow, you shall reap

Gryffindors are bold and blunt

They have much nerve and are daring

Lupin, their new Head of House is also witty,

Loyal, and he is fiercely caring

Slytherins are ambitious, determined,

They're perfectionists, and are charming

Head of House, Snape, we all owe him our lives

His loyalty, bravery, and wit are so very disarming

Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff

Here, you see, you are sorted, divided

The four pieces are valuable and indispensable

All Houses will be once more united

Embody all four Houses as you grow

We are here to teach you, to nurture, and guide you

You will find your family, your friends, your home

In this school, none of us will ever again be alone"

Severus' eyes dared meet Hermione's again and he felt her hum in his mind.

 **I love you.**

 _I love you._


	72. Chapter 72

After the Sorting and Feast, the Prefects led their new House mates to their common rooms. Severus would arrive at the Slytherin Common Room within a half hour to speak to the first years. That would be enough time for his Prefects to go over the rules and expectations. Severus would be able to introduce himself, answer questions, and establish an open-door policy with his Slytherins.

Hermione and Ron, as Head Girl and Head Boy, were point new students in the right direction as Harry Potter, Lavender and Ginny waited in the wings. Potter had, apparently, refused the position of Head Boy. Ronald had no idea he was offered it after Potter refused it. Apparently, the Boy Who Lived wanted to live a much quieter life post-Voldemort. _Don't we all?_

"Severus," Minerva hissed at him. He flinched when he saw her face.

"What? What have I done now?" He asked.

"You will not ignore her! Your relationship is no secret."

"You told us to be discrete!" He growled lowly.

"I only meant not to snog in the corridors and to be respectful of your position as a teacher at this school, and of hers as Head Girl."

His face dropped. _Oh._ "I'm an idiot."

"Sometimes, Severus. Sometimes."

"Well, regardless, it is not as if I'm the most demonstrative wizard in the world."

"Very true, but you'll not ignore or avoid her, or I'll skin you."

"You make that particular threat a lot..." He frowned.

"Piss off," She spat at him and then winked. _Cat._

She moved away from him and he moved toward Hermione. She was facing away from him, and he nodded to Potter, Brown, and the two Weasleys. Hermione turned and her face brightened tremendously that he had approached her. She wouldn't have pressed him. Yet.

The other four moved out into the corridor away from them a bit, though they would wait on Hermione. Ginny, as a Prefect, was helping usher students this way and that. He could also see the white-blonde hair of Draco Malfoy, a Prefects badge on his robe, pointing a new Ravenclaw in the right direction.

"Hello, Hermione," He said lowly. Several older students were still exiting the hall, and he felt their eyes on him. He did not hear any negative whispering, merely passive observance, and curiousity. Most of these older students had him as both a professor and Headmaster. His reputation was such that a personal life wasn't even imaginable for the man.

"Hello," She smiled slightly at him. "I think that was the best Sorting Hat song I've heard since my first year. I actually quite like this one better because it was all about unity. First year's was exciting because it was all so new."

He inclined his head at her and searched her face. _God, I miss you so much already._

"How was your day? Quite exciting without me, I imagine?" She teased.

"I find my days without you significantly lack in excitement," He conceded, but kept his voice low and private.

"I'll have rounds to do with Ron in a minute," She said.

"Yes," He acknowledged. "I must speak to my new Slytherins soon as well."

She met his eyes.

 **I'll come see you tonight.**

 _I have allowed Floo passage to my quarters for you from Gryffindor Tower. It will only work for you._

"Hey, 'Mione. It looks like we've got a lot of stragglers out here. You ready?" Ron asked and glanced at Snape, who stepped away from Hermione and allowed her to move in front of him.

"Yeah, I'm all set. Have a good night, Severus."

"I expect I shall," His voice was low and meant only for her. He raised an eyebrow and followed her out into the corridor where he was greeted by Draco.

"Professor," The boy said.

Severus' dark eyes were glittering as he watched Hermione's retreating form, "Mister Malfoy."

"Don't stare. They all think you've gone soft already," Draco said in jest. Snape shot him a cold look and Draco flinched, and then Snape smirked.

"I assure you I am every bit as dangerous as I have always been."

Draco laughed slightly. "I can only imagine."

"Come, Prefect," Severus drawled as he led Malfoy to the common room under the Black Lake.

Once there, Severus stalked into the common room. His mere presence silenced all who waited there.

"For those of you who do not know, my name is Professor Snape. I will be both your Head of House, and your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Whilst here, you are to address your teachers as "madam," "sir," or "Professor." Any other names are both disrespectful and punishable. As your Head of House, your well-being is my personal responsibility. My private quarters are marked on this map here should you find yourselves in need of me," Snape pointed to a school map near the hearth. "For every choice you make, every course of action you take, there are consequences. You can lose or gain House Points. It is a yearly competition between the four Houses. I suggest you mind yourselves. Your Prefects can help you with navigating this school and with your transition into our day-to-day routines. They are here to support you in every way," His black eyes scanned the trembling young students before him. "Questions?"

Seeing none, Severus turned on his heel and strode away. Over his shoulder, he heard whispering.

"Is that _the_ Professor Snape?"

"How many bloody Professor Snapes do you think there are? Of course it's him!"

"My dad says he's a hero!"

"I overheard my uncle and dad talking about him once before my uncle went away. They don't really get on at all. They were fighting My uncle said he's a traitor and that he has a thing for mudbloods," A new voice said. "I'm not sure what mudblood even means."

The room became painfully quiet. Former students of Snape's were so very aware of his distaste for that particular word. Severus turned so quickly that his robes snapped behind him like a whip. He descended on the three students quickly. The two students who had not said that foul word retreated a couple steps as he approached them. Draco had seized the offender by the hood and the tiny boy looked up at him wide eyed and swallowed heavily.

" _What_ is _your_ name?" He seethed. His face paled, teeth were bared, and his lip twitched in rage.

"Alexander Rookwood, sir," The stammered. His curly dark brown hair hung across his forehead.

 _Rookwood. Fuck._ Severus nodded at Draco, who released his grip on the boy. Draco, who had been on the receiving end of this scolding before and who was now committed to reforming his character, scowled at the boy.

"Mr. Rookwood, do you make a habit of using words you do not know?" Severus' voice was dangerous.

"No. No, sir," The small boy shook his head furiously.

The room around them was deathly quiet and tense. "Allow me to enlighten you about that word's meaning... It is a horribly derogatory word based on the entirely unfounded belief that being born a witch or wizard of non-magic parents made that witch or wizard _less._ It implies that muggleborn blood _is dirty."_

Tears formed in his beady eyes. "I'm.. I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know."

"Ignorance is offensive, Mr. Rookwood," Severus retreated one step and the boy nearly fell over in relief. "Slytherin House was built on prejudice that centered around blood status, and that prejudice has persisted for far too long. This evening, more half-blood and muggleborn students were sorted into this house than in its entire history. We will not be prejudiced any longer. It is well-documented that blood status does not dictate magical power or capability. My house will no longer tie itself to something so horribly ignorant. At Hogwarts, as well as in Slytherin House, you will _earn_ your keep. Should any of you even _think_ these supremacist thoughts or _that_ word again, you will be very sorry indeed. I will take every single house point, and punish you for so long and so thoroughly, that you will rue the day you learned such hate." His voice held such vitriol that every student in the vicinity visibly shuddered. "Have I made myself _perfectly clear?"_ There were resounding nods all around the room. "Away with you." The students hurriedly moved to get away from the intimidating darkly clad wizard.

"Mr. Rookwood," Severus said and gestured for the boy to follow him toward the door. The boy followed nervously, and his eyes were on the floor. "Look at me, boy," Beady brown eyes met obsidian. "Where is your uncle?"

"Dad turned him in. He showed up looking for my mum and dad to hide him. They wouldn't," The 11-year-old swallowed. "He's in Azkaban."

Severus stared at the boy. He could see the Rookwood genes in the boy's hair texture and color, his angular face, and tall, lanky limbs. There was a goodness, though, in the child's eyes. There was an innocence that unwound Severus' tension. _He didn't mean it._

"Be careful about what you repeat from overheard conversations. Concern yourself with only yourself, Mr. Rookwood. The personal lives of any of your teachers or fellow classmates are none of your busines," He eyed the boy intensely.

"Yes, sir. I'm really sorry," Rookwood implored.

Snape nodded. He left the common room and walked throughout as many corridors as he could before he finally made it back to his private rooms.

 _Hermione, I need you..._


	73. Chapter 73

Author's Note: This chapter has PTSD, panic, and traumatic memory flashbacks.

His Floo finally ignited shortly after midnight. It wouldn't be easy for her to get away during school nights like this because he had rounds, and she had Head Girl duties, but they would most certainly spend their weekends together when he was not on duty.

Before she stepped out from the fireplace completely, his hands were on her waist as she brushed off the ash. His mouth descended on her neck hungrily and he moaned at the feel of her skin on his lips. _God._ She whimpered at his desire. The fire resumed crackling behind her. Usually, she was the one initiating sex with subtle touches and _that_ look. He was reserved in every way, and he never wanted to presume or push, though he did not ever reject her.

His pale hands pulled her hips against his and all the blood in his body seemed to race south. Grinding against her, his hands slid under her t-shirt and he dragged his nails down her back. Her slender fingers fumbled with the buttons on his coat and she growled and then tore it open. He pulled away from her to look at what she'd done.

He smiled coyly, "I liked that coat."

"You have fifty of them," She said breathlessly as she pulled him closer. He moaned as she reached up and flicked her tongue on his jaw. Severus shrugged off the black coat and quickly undid the buttons of his undershirt.

"You wear too many fucking buttons," She hissed at him.

"Mmm," His voice vibrated against her ear as he held her hips in his hands. She pulled the shirt off gently, mindful of his still healing shoulder, and it fell to the floor with the coat.

Severus had her shirt off in a moment, pulling it over her head with his right hand, he undid her bra, and his bare chest was soon pressed against hers. He froze and lost himself in the feel of her skin on his skin. _This is divine._ She was so warm and smooth and soft. She seemed as lost in the feel of him as he was in the feel of her.

Then, she shifted, and brushed against his aching length. He touched her hips again and felt her wand. He kicked their clothing away toward the couch. Pulling her wand out from the flannel pants, he summoned his thick and dark bedding from his bed. It lay bunched up on the floor as he pushed her pants and underwear down. Desire burned through his veins like wildfire. One of her hands slipped inside his trousers while the other undid them. He gasped as she gripped him tightly.

"Hermione..." He whispered. She pulled him down on top of the blanket and he sat back and admired her form as the shadows of the fire danced across her skin.

She had a freckle under her right breast on her rib cage, and a scar on her chest near her collarbone from Dolohov. _Dolohov. The Department of Mysteries._ His eyes snapped to her left arm where the angry red scar glared at him. _Mudblood. Mudblood._

Panic rose inside him with fury. His mind was flooded with horrible images and memories. He collapsed away from her and his body began to tremble. His stomach burned furiously and threatened to empty itself.

' _I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!'_

 _Blood was dripping off Hermione's fingertips. He pulled up her sleeve and saw 'mudblood' carved into her forearm. Rage and hatred boiled inside his blood._

 _Hermione's angry scar staring at him like it as now and her broken voice, '_ _It's hideous. I'm hideous. That label will follow me, be branded on me, for the rest of my life.'_

' _It is the exact reward you would want in the end anyway. You, for some reason I cannot fathom, have a thing for mudbloods. I will reward you with one. You have earned it,' The Dark Lord's sharp teeth flashed at him._

 _'ALL TRAITORS AND MUDBLOODS MUST DIE!'_

 _'I want the traitor - Severus Snape, and his little mudblood,' Yaxley had smiled._

 _You filthy traitorous mudblood fucker!'_

 _'My uncle said he's a traitor, and that he has a thing for mudbloods.'_

 _Mudblood... Mudblood... Mudblood..._

SEVERUS!" Hermione was shouting and her hands cradling his face. As his eyes came into focus he found her whiskey colored eyes. They were full of tears.

"I... I..." His throat felt dry and hoarse. _Had I been screaming?_

"Severus... You're safe. You're safe," She cooed. He glanced down her body and saw she was dressed again. His eyes caught the scar on her arm once more and he swallowed. She followed his eyes and looked back to his face. "Someone said that word tonight, didn't they?"

He clenched his jaw. His whole body was sweaty and shivering, and he nodded vigorously. She straddled his lap and pulled her shirt over her head, giving his bare chest her bare chest and he shuddered hard and his arms snaked around her back. She was so gentle and tender wth him, never putting too much pressure on his left side. Her nails dragged comforting circles on his shoulder blades as he held her tightly to him. Hermione's skin was a lighthouse in a storm of panic that guided him back to normalcy.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, but he didn't care. He would gladly spend the rest of his life in her embrace. When Hermione did finally pull back, Severus grimaced as if it were physically painful to lose the closeness of her skin.

"What happened?" She asked tentatively.

"It wasn't any different than any other time. A Slytherin said it. This one didn't know what he was saying. He said he overheard an argument between his dad and his uncle about me, and that his uncle had said I had a thing for... muggleborns." _I'm so sorry._

Hermione winced, "Who was it?"

"Alexander Rookwood. He is the nephew of Augustus Rookwood. Augustus went to his brother in hopes his brother would hide him, but his brother turned him in and he now resides in Azkaban," Severus' voice was very quiet.

"And you saw my scar..."

"I..." His voice cracked. "It was... Flashbacks. Of that word. It's impact on my life..." He ground his teeth and she held his face in her hands again.

"You are a good man, Severus," She said. "Words hurt. God, how I know it, but I'm here with you. I'm safe. Because of you. And you have loved this scar enough for me to know it doesn't define me," She rested her forehead against his.

"I'm sorry, Hermione," He choked as he clutched her to him again. "I'm sorry I've ever said that word."

"I forgive you, Severus. I forgive you," She said. "Lily forgave you too. We both have. You're safe now. Don't let it hold you hostage anymore. You can't control panic attacks, and you can't change the traumatic experiences you have had in your life and how they affect you today, but you can trust that I will be here for every bad day and every good day."

He had his face buried in the nape of her neck as he focused hard on her breathing. Severus tried to match his breathing to her even breaths. His heart began to race as he stared at her bare chest. He looked up at her again and he could see the same need in her eyes. "Please," His plea was husky and raw.

Her lips crashed to his and they were naked in an instance. She moaned as his tongue slid across her bottom lip and he returned the moan when her fingers found their way into his hair.

"I need you," He grunted. _Please._

"I need you," She returned passionately as she slid down onto his hard length. Her forehead touched his and they sat motionless for a moment and reveled in the feel of their union.

"You are perfect, Hermione," He whispered and slid his hands up and down her sides. He twitched deep inside her heat.

Hermione bit her lip and then smiled. She pressed her lips to his jawline and kissed the sensitive skin there as she began to ride him. His hands ran lightly over her skin and his finger tips sparked his magic across her body as he did.

 _"To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life."_


	74. Chapter 74

As he stalked into the Great Hall at breakfast, Severus was absolutely certain that the first week and a half of classes would be agonizing. He felt many eyes on him as he walked up between the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff tables. He stopped.

"Good morning," He said lowly to a group of Gryffindors eating breakfast, though his eyes met only honey colored eyes that stared up at him. _Hermione._

"Bloody hell," Ron sighed and ran his hand over his face tiredly. "Now, he's saying 'good morning'?"

"Wasn't really meant for you, Ron, was it?" Neville wiggled his eyebrows at the redhead and then tilted his chin up at Severus in greeting. Severus returned his eyes to Hermione.

"Good luck with your first day," He inclined his head to her.

She smiled again, and grabbed his hand. He stiffened at the gesture, his face flushed, and she held his hand in both of hers lovingly, "You too, Severus." Her eyes undid him. They always did. She could hide nothing and there was so much love in her eyes that his knees nearly gave way. _Love for me._ He snapped his mask back into place.

She smiled and then dropped his hand and turned back toward her friends. He glanced around the table to find blushing faces and then he met Harry's eyes.

"We'll see you before lunch, and after. Got the split block this year," He smirked a bit. Severus' dark eyes searched his face, and then he nodded. He continued his stalk toward the high table, where he took his seat next to Horace Slughorn again. Remus Lupin, who had stopped and patted Harry on the back briefly, sat on Severus' other side, and Snape barely halted his eye roll. He was picking at his toast when he felt angry eyes on him, and he looked around and met the blue eyes of Minerva McGonagall. Her eyes looked from his to his plate and then back to his eyes. Severus scowled and jerkily shoved the toast into his mouth. _Wench._

"All right, Severus?" Lupin said from his left.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Severus growled.

"Who do you have this morning?"

"Hufflepuff and Slytherin first years," He answered sharply. "Then, all NEWT level students."

"You've had to combine the curriculums, yes? Of this year's and last year's?" Lupin asked curiously.

"Yes," Severus said.

"I suppose that will help eliminate any gaps," Remus nodded.

Severus winced imperceptibly. _The gaps are there because of my time as Headmaster..._ Severus pushed away from the table and stood. _Remus didn't mean it._ "Good luck today, Lupin. No doubt you will have them eating out of the palm of your hand soon enough."

Lupin choked on his toast, apparently completely shocked Severus had said anything of the sort, but before he could return the sentiment, Severus had left. His black cloak was billowing behind him as he made his way through the tables. This time, he walked between Slytherin and Ravenclaw. He did not stop. He walked quickly to his quarter, slammed the door behind him, and desperately downed a large Calming Draught. As he waited for it to take effect, his hands were white knuckled as he gripped the back of the couch. Then, he could breathe again, and he went to his classroom. Most of the students were already there, but a couple rushed in behind him.

As he called roll, he glanced at each student to try to put a face to the names. The students sat silently. Classroom management had never been an issue for Severus. His mere presence alone was enough to control even the most unruly students. First years, though they had no experience with him, were no different. He was dressed in black from head to toe, he was tall, taller than most of the other teachers, besides Lupin, his long wavy black hair fell just over the edge of his shoulders, and there was a constant look of scrutiny in his eyes and a look of displeasure always creased the corners of his mouth. Even though Severus was a redoubtable, strict, and intimidating teacher, he very rarely needed to raise his voice. His deep voice, the way he chose his words so carefully, his cool inflections, and the spaces he put between syllables and words had students' fearful attention from the first second of class to the last.

"This is Defense Against the Dark Arts. In this class, you will learn how to magically defend yourself against dark creatures, Dark Arts, and dark charms. You will be taught both offensive and defensive magic. In conjunction with this course, we will practice dueling, which uses both defensive and offensive magic. I, along with Professor Lupin, your Transfiguration teacher, will be running a Dueling Club. As first and second years, you are not able to join, but you are able to watch. I strongly suggest you do watch frequently, as seeing successful and unsuccessful duels provides invaluable insight and give you second-hand experience."

His dark eyes moved around the classroom and he folded his arms across his chest. The green and gold hoods were interspersed. "Are there any questions as to what this class entails?"

There was a nervous tension that rippled over the young students like a wave. He narrowed his eyes as he looked from face to face, not meeting any eyes, until he landed on Alexander Rookwood. He was staring anxiously back into Snape's face and looked too apprehensive, as if something were bubbling inside of him, to look away. For a moment, he contemplated entering the boy's mind, but Snape had never invaded a student's mind. Well, except for Harry, Hermione, and Ron, as he was tasked with keeping Potter safe and Potter would reveal none of his plans to Snape otherwise.

"Mister Rookwood," Severus said coolly. "Your classmates appear anxiously agitated. Why?"

Rookwood dropped his eyes to his desk and shook his head emphatically, "It's nothing, sir."

Snape's brow contracted as he stared at the curly hair on top of the Slytherin's head. _What the bloody hell is going on?_

"Look at me, boy," He hissed and Rookwood's eyes shot up to meet his. "Speak."

"I hardly know anyone here, but they're nervous about this class. We don't know much about what happened last year unless we've had family or friends tell us. We've heard... rumors about what this class was like last year... They're nervous... About you. Because you were a..."

" _Death Eater,"_ Snape finished icily. He had to admit that Rookwood's boldness in that moment had been unexpected and had rivaled any Gryffindor. The room was tense in anticipation from the verbal lashing they were surely about to receive. Snape's reputation preceded him, but as he looked out at the 11-year-old students before him, he felt very deflated. Half of these students were from his House. Regardless, they were all eleven. How could he blame their fear? How could he resent their apprehension? How could he expect any other reaction to him? _Damn it._

"My past is, at this point unfortunately, fairly well documented. I had not been a true or loyal Death Eater since before the Dark Lord's first defeat in 1981. I served as a spy and double-agent. It may come as a most immediate relief to know that I have _never_ used magic against a student in any place other than dueling practice. Last year's curriculum was... _atypical._ Needless to say, your experience in this class will be as pleasant or as unpleasant as you make it, and that experience will have nothing to do with the curriculum, and everything to do with your approach and dedication to your learning," His eyes locked with several students who quickly looked away, and then he looked back at Rookwood, who met his gaze coolly. _Is this the same boy who was nearly in tears because of me just last night?_

"Why did you do it? Become one of them?" The boy asked.

 _Fuck._ Severus kept his face impassive, but inside he was reeling as if the boy had slapped him. So much of Snape's personal life was public knowledge, or rumor, and he had absolutely no idea how to handle it. As he stood before this class, he realized there were two options. He could cut Rookwood down and eviscerate him with words, or he could be very plain. Moving forward into a world that Severus had never expected to see, he understood that he could not be entirely who he had been. The boy before him was a fork in his life road. He had taken one of the paths before and he knew all too well the isolation of that path, the tense distrust, and the fumbling and fearful magical mistakes students made on that path. He cared very little for whether or not his students would like him, but he knew that it would be so much more effective, and so much easier for him, if they were to trust him at least a small amount.

"People make mistakes, Mister Rookwood, both large and small. I spent 18 years atoning for mine," Severus said. There was a distance and slight coldness in his tone that told everyone in the room he would not be pressed again. Alexander looked at him, searched his face, and then nodded in understanding.

"Losing your wand in a duel is the most inopportune and often irrecoverable failure. Many wizards and witches never master wandless magic. Your wand represents a vehicle for your magical core. Each wand is as unique as you are, and as you grow and learn, your wand will be even more tailored to you, to your magic, than you ever thought possible. The intimacy of the relationship between witch or wizard and wand are essential for magical mastery of any sort. There are many spells that seek to disarm an opponent which, in most cases, render that opponent impotent. You must strive to not lose your wand under any circumstances."

There was a hand up in the air to his left, "Yes, Miss...?"

"Turner," The blonde girl finished. "Can you do wandless magic, sir?"

Severus smirked. Never in his life had any student expressed interest in his capabilities as a teacher. _Perhaps this won't be so bad after all. "_ In order to be able to block unfriendly spells, you must use what is called a shield charm, and although this is not Charms class and I am not Professor Flitwick, this is the most basic and simple shield spell in our world, and it is necessary for you to learn this before learning anything else in this class." After setting his wand down on his desk, Snape turned to the board and flicked his hand casually at it. The word 'protego' appeared. There were several excited gasps across the classroom.

 _'It has been said that sometimes the greatest hope in our lives is just a second chance to do what we should have done right in the first place.'_


	75. Chapter 75

His second class started out well. Because it was a NEWT level DADA class, the class size was much smaller. The only Slytherin in the class was Draco and he sat amicably next to Potter. Draco was the only Slytherin returning for a seventh year as the rest of his House had finished last year. Ron, Lavender, Ginny, and Neville Longbottom filled out the Gryffindors on his roster. Longbottom, technically, had completed his 7th year education last year during Severus' tenure as Headmaster, but he did not attend enough of his classes to sit for a NEWT exam in any of them and, as he intended to teach, Minerva was more than happy to welcome him back to Hogwarts. Justin Finch-Fletchley, a Hufflepuff muggleborn who had not been allowed to attend school last year, sat on the other side of Draco. Luna Lovegood sat next to Neville. She was looking around the room with interest. _Hermione._ How he missed her already.

"I believe, at this point, we are beyond introductions, yes?" Severus drawled as he leaned back against the desk and folded his arms across his chest. There were several snorts and chuckles, and Severus' dark eyes moved over the class. "As this is a NEWT level course, magic you will learn and master during this school year will be exceptionally advanced and difficult. Now... This level of magic, the nature of this course, deals some in magic I believe we would all prefer not to revisit so soon. I..." He faltered uncharacteristically as a lump formed in his throat. "I fought alongside all of you on May 2nd. War is a traumatic experience. This course could be..." He was fumbling. "There could be moments that trigger painful or traumatic memories. In order to navigate that, I request full transparency. Perhaps you know something will be a trigger, or perhaps you will have the misfortune of being surprised. Either way, I cannot help if I do not know." His dark eyes locked with each student briefly. They were hanging on his every word, the majority so unused to Severus' humanity.

Potter looked at him seriously, "You too?"

Severus narrowed his eyes. He was unsure as to what the question referred, "I'm afraid I do not follow, Mister Potter."

"You will have to be transparent with us too," Harry said and then hastily added, "Sir."

Severus looked at the floor for a moment and then nodded, "I suppose I will."

Justin asked, "We'll just have to heal together."

"Fucking Hufflepuff," Draco snorted, and Justin laughed loudly.

"Language, Mister Malfoy," Severus chided with a smirk. "We will be spending our time mostly practicing various types of magic, but there will be some study of magical theory, though it will be far less than your previous years."

Ron pumped his fist in the air, and Severus ignored him outwardly. _Yes, Weasley, we all know you'd be royally fucked if you had to take a theoretical class without Hermione._

"Nonverbal magic is essential for NEWT level classes. In my opinion, I believe live experience is the best teacher for nonverbal magic. Let us move next door," The smile that ghosted his face had most of the students apprehensive.

The students filed into the room next to the Defense room. In it, they were intrigued to see the Dueling Club had been set up once more. The long stage in the center of the room created excited energy.

"Oi! You remember when Snape knocked Lockhart flat on his arse? _That_ was beautiful." He heard Ron from the back of the group.

"Nonverbal magic is often daunting at first as it is presented theoretically. In the moment, such as in a duel, you would find nonverbal magic easier to perform," Severus moved around the small crowd of students. "How many of you have been able to cast a spell nonverbally?" A few hands went up. "How many of you have been able to cast spells nonverbally with any level of consistency?" All of the hands dropped.

Severus traced one finger over his lips. "Magic is all about feeling. Each spell feels different than the next. This is most easily seen, and felt, in the differences between Light and Dark magic. Dark magic feels tremendously different than Light magic, and offensive magic feels different than a simple cleaning spell. Verbal magic is the easiest way to summon that particular magic as it calls on it directly by name. Nonverbal magic calls on that spell's feeling. It might seem more time consuming to call on the feeling rather than just name the spell, but I assure you, it is advantageous to perform silently, especially in combative situations. We have students in this room that intend to become Aurors. This is imperative for NEWT level students to master. Calling on the feeling also strengthens your spell and you become more attuned to your magic, thus becoming a more powerful witch or wizard."

There were nods of understanding. Severus turned and walked up the couple stairs onto the stage. "A demonstration, perhaps?" He scanned the crowd. When nobody immediately volunteered, he saw Neville and Harry push Ron forward a step. "Mister Weasley. Join me," Severus gestured to the stage.

Weasley paled and muttered, "I make it through a bloody war and now Snape's going to kill me." He lumbered up onto the stage across from Severus.

"You remember the pleasantries, Mister Weasley?" Ron nodded and Severus brought his wand before his face and bowed sharply. Weasley mirrored Snape. They turned and walked five steps away from each other. When they turned back around, Severus said, "Now. You will attempt to disarm me twice. I will shield verbally the first time and nonverbally the second." Severus' tone was _too_ casual. As the younger wizard looked at his Professor, he could tell this was not going to end well for him.

Ron frowned. "This is going to be painful for me, isn't it?"

Severus raised an eyebrow, and smirked a bit. "Go on, then."

Ron focused his blue eyes on the stage before him, took a deep breath, and then brought his eyes up slowly to Severus. Snape stood tall and had the tense look of an alley cat. "Expelliarmus!" Ron cried loudly.

"Protego!" Snape shouted at nearly the same second. Ron staggered back as his spell hit Severus' shield charm.

The class watched in awe at how quick Severus' reflexes truly were. The last time these students had watched this man formally duel, he was as quick and as graceful with his magic, but they had been so young and innocent that they could not appreciate the sheer immensity of power that coursed through Snape's veins.

Severus said, "Again."

"Expelliarmus!" Ron yelled again and stabbed his wand at the wizard. Severus' shield was up even quicker this time, and the power of it knocked Ron flat on his back, much like Lockhart. _That was beautiful._

"You can see clearly the difference in strength between verbal and nonverbal magic," Severus said as he walked to Ron. He stuck his hand out to the red headed young wizard and pulled him to his feet. "10 points to Gryffindor. For your _bravery_ in volunteering," Snape said coolly. "Now, we will duel formally until you are able to at least attempt to attack me nonverbally. We will go to the point of exhaustion for you. This will force you to think less and feel more," He smiled smugly, "Who first?"

The students cycled until all but Harry Potter had come up onto the stage. Truthfully, skilled though some of them were, they stood no chance. Potter did not meet his eyes as he walked up onto the stage. Severus was tired at this point, though not terribly so, but there was a bit of a tremble in his hands that he steadied by gripping his wand tightly. He was a bit sweaty.

He met the shaggy black haired young wizard in the middle of the stage, as he had done everyone else, put his wand before his face, and bowed. Potter returned the gesture, though he still did not look at Severus. _Something is wrong._ Severus counted his steps away from Potter and then turned on his heel to face the boy. Potter's eyes rose from the stage. The green eyes met the black.

 _'How dare you stand where he stood? Tell them how it happened that night! How you looked him in the eyes, a man who trusted you, and killed him! Tell them!'_

Snape's mouth went dry, and he could see the memories of the Battle flashing in Harry's eyes as they were behind his own. His confrontation with Harry. The pensieve. The shack. The snake. The dead. Severus stepped back once and turned away from Harry. "It is time to break for lunch. We will revisit this afterward." The students looked back and forth between Snape and Potter, but said nothing and left.

Severus saw Ginny look at Harry, but he waved her off and gestured to Snape. Ginny disappeared with the rest of the students back to the regular classroom.

"Harry..." Severus' voice was hoarse and apologetic. _I'm sorry._ Severus approached the young man slowly. He could see a thin layer of sweat on the boy's forehead.

"Severus..." Harry's voice was much like the voice of the boy he had been when Severus had first met him. Potter's voice held the same tone of apology within it. _I'm sorry._ His dark eyes searched the boy's face.

He put his hand on the back of Harry's neck. "I am with you, Harry Potter." Harry was trembling as bad as Severus' hands, and he slammed himself into Snape's chest. Severus winced as his shoulder yelped at the force, but he squeezed Harry back.

Potter pulled back, his face flushed and his eyes full of tears. He glanced at Snape once more, then turned and left. His head was down the entire time. Snape watched his retreating form until he was completely out of sight. The war had changed everything. Severus hung his head, his dark hair shielding his face as he fought to calm the panic inside his chest.

' _There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.'_


	76. Chapter 76

Author's Note: Just a bit of fluff to pass the time...

Severus was massaging his temples with his right hand when he became vaguely aware of the presence of someone else in the room. He held his breath. Perhaps Potter had come back.

"Severus?" _Oh, God. Hermione._

His dark eyes shot up as she walked to him quickly, throwing her arms around him under his arms, pinning him back against the stage. _Oh, Hermione._ He felt desperate as he clutched at her, but he could be nothing else. One of her hands on his back was rubbing him gently as her ear pressed against his racing heart.

"Harry told me you were... Upset," She said as she felt the tremors moving through his body. "I felt your anxiety in my ring, and I knew you were still here. I know I shouldn't be here. I know I shouldn't. I'm sorry."

"Don't move away," His voice broke as he squeezed her more tightly. _Don't leave me._

Severus felt her small body relax against his, all fear of putting him in a position he didn't want to be seen in fell away from her. His face was buried into her hair, and he clutched at her Gryffindor robes as if they were the only thing tying him to this world. She was silent as their magic sparked along their embrace, their souls realigning. He breathed in the scent of her. _Almond. Shea._ Her slender body flush against his. She was everything to him - his lighthouse in every storm, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a confidant, a lover. She had come to him because he needed her, despite what it could look like for him, and moreover, for her. He realized, in full awareness, that she was his very best friend. _Hermione._

"Hermione," He said hoarsely into her hair. She squeezed him tighter in response and kissed his chest. His body began to shake worse. _Tell her, you fool._

She looked up at him and he pushed her back just a bit so that their eyes could focus on the face of the other person. His dark eyes stared deeply into hers as his hands gripped her arms. He took a deep breath.

"Hermione," He said softly, yet instinctively fearfully. His eyes never wavered from hers. "You are my best friend."

The magnanimity of that fearful declaration was not lost on either person. Hermione knew full well that the last person Severus had called his best friend had left him alone in the world in ways that broke his very heart and soul. As she stared into his tear-filled eyes, she realized that this man, this broken and damaged and traumatized man, had now given her absolutely everything of himself - mind, body, heart, and soul. _Everything._

"You are my best friend, too, Severus," She nodded as a tear fell from her eyes. His hands moved from her arms to her face and his thumb wiped away the tear. Her hands moved up to his face and he bent and pressed his forehead to hers. She brushed a few stray tears that trickled down his cheeks.

She could feel his fear radiating off of his body. "I will not leave you." Her words were a whisper that crumbled any semblance of defenses inside of him. He sobbed in spite of himself, picked her up briefly, despite his shoulder's protests, turned around and set her on the stage. She was eye level with him now as he held her to him desperately, his face in her neck.

Hermione was crying into his injured shoulder. His confession proved how far he had already come in his recovery and healing processes. Severus had been beholden to so many people in his life, so many things held him back from becoming the man he could be, and the giving Hermione the title of his best friend broke one more of the guilt chains that kept him in painful and emotional quicksand of his past. She could feel the freedom washing over him. _I love you._

There were many men in the world who do not and will not change for anyone, but Severus Snape was not one of those men, and it was as much of a surprise to him as it was to everyone else. There was nothing at all in this world he wouldn't do for Hermione. His relationship with her had freed him from so many things, and the largest was his fear of his own humanity and his own emotions. She had allowed him to be human, and had loved him even more for it.

He pulled back to look into her eyes and an anxious knot formed in his stomach when he saw that she was crying silently. "Hermione, you..." He bowed his head for a moment and fought to suppress a sob. His eyes met hers again. "You have all of me now. You have had all of me for a very long time, but I just couldn't put it to words."

She smiled at him and leaned forward to kiss him. His lips were so soft and gentle against hers, and he tasted slightly salty from his tears. His hands were so gentle on the sides of her neck as he kissed her sweetly. _I love you more than anything._ He pulled himself away from her reluctantly and with great effort.

"If we don't show up to lunch, Professor McGonagall will come looking..."

Severus shivered at the thought of being on the receiving end of one of Minerva McGonagall's verbal lashings. "Go."

"You're coming with me," She said firmly.

"I don't know if that would be a good idea..." Severus was nervous.

"We're together. They all know it. I do not wish to be a secret," She looked at him. There was a bitterness in her tone that made Severus' stomach turn. "I'm not a combination of secrets and stolen kisses."

He winced at her words as though she slapped him. "I didn't mean... I didn't."

"I know you didn't, but I don't need protection. At least not for this. I am not ashamed of you."

"I am not ashamed of you," He said emphatically. "You are the thing I am most proud of in my life."

She smiled at him and pressed a kiss to his lips. "I can be just stolen kisses, though."

He relaxed a bit. She was joking. She wouldn't joke with him if she were mad. Hermione looped her arm through his and walked with him out into the corridor. The tension in Severus' posture was evident and she had mercy on him, allowing her arm to slide from his as they walked closely side-by-side. He glanced down at her as they walked to the Great Hall and the disappointment on her face was such that she couldn't hide it. His heart wrenched in his chest. _Damn it to hell._

As they turned and entered the hall, they were not noticed as much as he feared they would be, though the eyes from the Head Table were boring into Severus' body. He touched his right hand to the small of her back, stroking his thumb over her robes. She leaned into his hand slightly and there was a satisfaction that moved over her face that told him he had done something right. When she found Harry and Ginny, Neville, and Ron, he stopped. He moved quickly, before he lost his nerve, and pressed his lips to her hair. His touch was so light, and so brief, that she could have very well missed it. He was gone, heading toward the staff table, black cloak trailing behind him, before she could react.

He took his place next to Remus, who was sitting next to Minerva. He didn't look toward Hermione as his food appeared in front of him.

"Severus..." Minerva whispered. "Good lad. Keep it clean for the rest of us."

He blushed furiously, and Remus leaned over slightly and said very softly, "Are you alright? Harry rushed to Hermione after Defense. He sounded quite worried about you. He seemed very out of sorts."

"I am alright," Severus hissed. "Now." Remus didn't push him. Minerva glanced at Severus, and Remus shook his head slightly in a way that Severus nearly missed. Clearly, she had been made aware of the incident he and Harry had while attempting to duel. Thankfully, neither of them said anything more.

 _'Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.'_


	77. Chapter 77

The second half of his NEWT Defense class went much more smoothly. Severus' role was largely hands off as he paired the students into partners for dueling. He critiqued their forms, stances, and wand flourishing regularly, but his criticism did not have the same bite as it did in years prior. Now, it was a strict teacher with high expectations who wanted to improve his students' performances.

Severus paused behind Harry for a moment. He hesitated to correct the boy, but soon realized that, if he had any hope of laying the traumatic experiences he and Potter shared to rest, he must move forward.

"You must focus on the feeling of the disarming spell, Mister Potter. Flourish less, focus more," Severus said plainly as he stepped up next to Harry. He withdrew his own wand from his sleeve and looked at Neville, Harry's partner, who nodded. Severus' jabbed his wand forward toward Neville, who had absolutely no time to react and the red light hit Neville's wand hand and his wand soared in the air to Severus' hand.

Severus walked to Neville and handed him back his wand. "Go again, Mister Potter."

Harry grimaced in frustration and stabbed his hand forward toward Neville dramatically. Nothing happened. Potter growled, and Severus approached him. He knew the approach he needed to take with the boy. "You may have mastered all of two spells thus far in your academic career, but being an Auror will require a full arsenal of mastered spells, and you _will_ need to perform them nonverbally." The students in the class had stopped moving and were watching the interaction between their classmate and their teacher.

Harry's green eyes ignited in anger. _There it is._ He watched as the boy's face hardened. "My abilities seem to have worked out for me so far, haven't they?" Potter raised an eyebrow. " _Sir._ "

Severus smirked. "Oh, yes, of course. Your abilities have worked out extremely well for you. You will find, however, that there are far less people willing to die for you as an Auror colleague than as a loved one in battle."

Harry narrowed his eyes and suddenly Severus' right hand burnt like a brand and he hissed. He looked at his hand briefly. An angry red weal mark stretched across the back of his hand. "Congratulations, Mister Potter. You've just used a nonverbal stinging jinx on me for the second time. Two points to Gryffindor, as it wasn't the desired nonverbal spell."

The green eyes widened in realization. "I let myself be provoked," He said with a tone of defeat.

"Yes," Severus said coolly as he rubbed at the mark on his hand.

"You've told me a hundred times to control my emotions, and I still can't."

"To each their own," Severus shrugged as he slid his ebony wand back into his sleeve.

"What?" Harry asked. "You've never let your emotions get the better of you in a duel."

"That is not entirely true, but I see your point," Severus conceded. "My emotions have proven to be a weakness in circumstance such as these. Yours, on the other hand, have proven to be a strength. Fortunately, you are not me. You are Harry Potter. Be Harry Potter."

Harry looked at him thoughtfully and then nodded. "Yeah. Yeah. Okay."

"Switch partners," Severus said. When the students had moved to a new partner, and Harry stood across from Draco, he said, "Begin!"

Draco fired relentlessly at Harry. When he attempted nonverbal magic, the spell often spluttered at the tip of his wand. "Stand up, Mister Malfoy. You were given a backbone at birth. I suggest you start using it."

Malfoy straightened, his pride a bit wounded, and he stabbed at Harry again. This time, it was successful. Harry's wand was yanked from his hand and flew to Draco's. This was the first time a student in the class had successfully disarmed their dueling partner with nonverbal magic.

"10 points to Slytherin," Severus said.

"You keep giving out points like that and you'll set the Earth off its axis," Malfoy said sarcastically.

"Indeed. Nine points from Slytherin," Severus said smoothly.

The other students in the room burst out laughing and Severus silenced them with his infamous eyebrow raise. "This class is at an end. Tonight, we will open the Dueling Club once more. I expect you all to participate. Tonight should be... exceedingly entertaining. My dueling partner, however, might not agree."

"Who's your partner, Professor Snape?" Malfoy asked.

"Professor Lupin," Snape's mouth twitched at the corner, and that twitch told his NEWT level students that Professor Lupin was probably going to end up just as Professor Lockhart had years before... Flat on his ass.

Snape followed the students, who were returning to their dorms, out of the classroom. He turned and headed toward the Transfiguration class where Hermione would be. Before entering the classroom, Hermione exited and ran straight into Severus' chest. His scent quickly overwhelmed her and she found herself immobile. He wrapped one around around her and stared down his nose at her. She was blushing fiercely.

"Hello, my love," He said smoothly. Her blush moved down her neck and he was very curious to see just how far that blush went down.

"Severus, what're you doing here?" She asked in a breathy voice.

"I could tell you that I was here to discuss Dueling Club with the werewolf, but it would be a half-truth," He shrugged and stepped back. "In the interest of total transparency, I wanted to see you." Her smile widened and her eyes sparkled up at him.

"You didn't want to see me, Severus?" Remus chuckled as he leaned against the doorframe.

Severus looked at him over Hermione's head. "I _never_ want to see you."

"Nonsense!" Remus said in good humor. "You are ready for our duel this evening, my Slytherin friend?"

"Oh, indeed, I am," Severus drawled lowly. The flicker behind his eyes was dangerous. _I've been waiting for this for my entire life._

"I've a wager for you..." Remus said as Hermione moved to Severus' side. On instinct, Severus put his left hand on her back, his thumb stroking her robe much like it had earlier. "If I disarm you, you'll wear the Head of House Gryffindor robes to the Gryffindor-Slytherin quidditch match. If you disarm me, I'll wear your Slytherin Head of House robes to that match...If you can find them. Clearly, you don't ever wear them."

Hermione leaned into him and his hand rested on her hip. "I do think you will look good in green," He said with an almost playful sneer.

"We shall see," Remus said. "Severus..." Remus' face had dropped. Severus narrowed his dark eyes and focused on the werewolf's face. "Will you... Please... Can you... Slughorn's rather old... His attention span..." _Ah. Wolfsbane._

"Oh, do stop before you hurt yourself. Yes, I'll brew your bloody potion," Severus said.

Remus' blue eyes locked with Snape's black. It was a moment of intimacy that neither man had expected, and a moment of intimacy that had Hermione feeling rather intrusive. In that moment, "forward" became more than just a word or an abstract idea. It became tangible, and the trust between the two to allow that tangibility was a cornerstone on which they could, potentially, build a friendship.

"Thank you, Severus," Remus said softly. His condition certainly takes its toll, and it damaged nothing more than his perception of himself.

Severus nodded and Remus moved past them. Hermione's honey eyes followed him as he moved down the corridor. "That is good of you, Severus." Severus said nothing, but pulled her closer to him as he watched Remus walk away as well. There was something warm and almost, almost, fuzzy in his stomach and it was nauseating.

 _'We don't heal in isolation, but in community.'_


	78. Chapter 78

As Severus walked slowly next to Hermione as she made her way back to Gryffindor Tower, he spoke very softly, "You will have to help me, Hermione, with the Wolfsbane Potion..."

She looked confused and he held up his hands, and she nodded. "That's an incredibly complex potion. Surely, Professor Slughorn would be of more assistance."

Severus shrugged. "Irrelevant. I require _your_ assistance. Besides, complex potions are clearly not intimidating to you as you brewed a Polyjuice potion in your second year."

"You're very needy," She teased and his face darkened for a moment. No matter how much growth he made, teasing was something that he often misread, but she winked at him, and he relaxed.

"Perhaps," He said slowly. "I believe you are more than capable, and I don't trust anyone else to be able to... handle me... Should I become... Incapable of continuing to brew the potion for a moment." Hermione could see the fear flickering behind his eyes. She knew, should the tremors start, he would be emotionally devastated about it.

"Of course, I will be there each time. It will all work out, Severus." She grabbed his hand and intertwined her fingers with his. They were alone outside of Gryffindor Tower.

"As you say," He said softly.

"What're _you_ doing here?" The Fat Lady snarled at him. Severus had not approached Gryffindor Tower since Lily had refused to forgive him, and he hadn't even realized the implication of him being back. _Shit._

Hermione scowled at the portrait. " _He_ is a Professor here, and you should speak to him with some respect."

"All I know of this boy is that he made my Gryffindor girl cry, and now he's got himself another one," She snapped and stuck her nose up at him. "I won't be letting you in here."

Severus growled. "You know damn well that, as a teacher at this school, you will allow me entrance should I require it." His dark eyes were burning. _Ugly fat cow_.

"Be that as it may, if you make this one cry too, I'll figure out a way to wring your neck."

Severus stepped toward the portrait and she flinched, despite the fact that Severus obviously could not physically touch her and had not drawn his wand. "The two women of which you are speaking are not interchangeable and have been a part of my life decades apart from each other. There is no comparison. You'll do well to remember that."

Hermione touched his arm and he turned back toward her. The Fat Lady stuck her tongue out at the back of his head and Hermione stood on her tip toes to kiss his cheek.

"I'll see you tonight?"

"Of course," He inclined his head.

"Periwinkle!" Hermione said to the Fat Lady and then she disappeared inside.

He stared at the portrait for a moment, feeling Hermione's absence already, and the portrait cleared her throat and waved for him to leave. He remembered that evening so long ago when he had threatened to sleep on the landing in front of the portrait until Lily would speak to him. He'd sworn then he'd never beg again. But he had. He'd begged for Lily's life. Twice he'd begged. For her forgiveness, and for her life. And twice he had been rejected. He wouldn't beg again. He stood stony face on the staircase landing, but the realization hit him in the chest like a hippogriff. He _would_ beg for Hermione should it come to that. He would do a great many embarrassing and humiliating things to keep Hermione should there ever be need for it, should he ever fuck up their relationship. _Fuck. Hermione._ Severus turned and flew down the staircase. His black cloak billowed behind him in typical Snape fashion. _She wouldn't make me beg. She wouldn't let me. She wouldn't. It's different now..._

He arrived at dinner at the same time as Slughorn, who promptly took to talking off Severus' ear. In a lull in the conversation, Severus' eyes scanned the crowd of students. His dark eyes, of course, found Hermione. He'd known where she was from the moment she stepped foot into the hall. There were many student eyes flitting between Severus and Remus excitedly.

After dinner, he made his way to the dueling hall with Lupin at his side. There was an energetic chatter inside the room. Severus could feel the adrenaline coursing through his body already. The room, buzzing with excitement, quieted as they entered. A wave of nervousness washed over Severus as he caught Hermione's anxious eyes. _Is she nervous about the same things? My hands? My arm? My head?_

He walked up to Hermione, his dark eyes never wavering from hers, unfastened his cloak, and pulled it off of his body.

"Are you ready?" Hermione whispered quietly so that only he heard her.

He looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Will you hold this for me?" He held the cloak out toward her. She nodded and took it, folding it over her arm.

"They've been taking bets all day," Hermione said softly.

Severus smirked. "Did _you_ bet?"

"Oh, perhaps."

He eyed her intensely. "And what do I get when I win?"

"I guess you'll have to win to find out."

Severus narrowed his eyes at her and then smirked slightly. "Of course, my lady." She blushed instantly and, satisfied with his effect on her, and with his renewed confidence, he moved past her. He knew full well that her eyes were moving up and down his body as subtly as she could manage, and that she was enjoying the way the dark cloth of his trousers hugged his legs.

As he climbed up onto the stage opposite Remus, the werewolf began to introduce the demonstration. Severus' dark eyes moved over the crowd. There were so many students and teachers. Bleachers had been transfigured into the magically expanded hall, and he locked eyes with Minerva. Though she was a former Gryffindor, and her successor as House Head would be dueling Snape, she made the tiniest pump of her fist toward Severus and it took everything in him not to smile. _My friend._

Once Remus finished his Gryffindor-esque introductory speech, the hall silenced. Remus turned to Severus, who was standing straight up with an impassive look on his face. Lupin met Snape in the middle of the stage.

"Death Eater vs Werewolf: who've you got?" He heard the whisper from his right, and Snape snapped his head toward the voice, but could not discern which student had spoken.

He moved his eyes back to Lupin, who smirked. The ghost of the Marauder he'd once been was etched in the lines of his faint cocky smile. The two men turned their backs on each other and walked the ceremonial five steps before turning back to face one another. The room was silent enough to hear a single pin drop, and the air was thick with anticipation.

Lupin struck first, a stinging jinx, but Severus blocked it easily. Severus cocked his head, a predator studying its prey, as Remus lunged again. The students were in awe as they watched, for the first time, two fully grown and accomplished wizards duel. It was a fair duel, clean, and within certain regulations - no dark magic, no fighting to injure or kill - seeking only to disarm the other. For the first time, students could watch such a fight without the threat of imminent death hanging over their heads. They could study technique - the way Severus' footwork was as graceful and sure as the most talented ballet dancer, the way the direction of Remus' shoulders gave him both offensive and defensive strength. The dance they danced was one of matured skill, and both wizards were talented and intelligent war hardened veterans. The students gasped, ooh'd and ahh'd, at the dueling.

Severus blocked Remus' spells so easily he almost looked lazy, and then, with one hard stab of his ebony wand, Remus hissed and grabbed at his kneecap. Severus' stunning curse had forced Remus down on one knee, as the werewolf desperately threw up shield charms. Severus focused his gaze on Remus and retreated several steps, allowing the Gryffindor Head to stand once more, though he was leaning heavily on one leg. His hair was disheveled, and magic sparked erratically across his shirt and vest.

Smirking, Severus stole a glance at Hermione, who looked quite proud. The momentary lack in focus was one Remus used to his advantage. As he stepped to the side, Severus was hit with Lupin's tripping jinx. He fell, hard, and his attempt to use his left arm to stop his fall was unsuccessful. Pain shot through his arm and chest, his pinky and ring fingers on his left hand contracted painfully. Remus, realizing what he'd done inadvertently, approached Severus quickly. _Fuck. Fuck._

"Severus..." Remus said hurriedly, but he stumbled back when Severus jumped back to his feet. Lupin's shield spell was not fast enough, and Remus was propelled backward. As he clamored to his knees, he barely got off another shield spell as Severus fired again. The Slytherin was hunched over and inward on his left side, his fingers contracted awkwardly, and the grimace on his face masked some, but not all, of his pain.

Severus, his Slytherin determination on full display, slashed his arm in the air, flattening Remus onto his back, and a final stab disarmed the Gryffindor. His wand flew to Severus and clattered onto the stage in front of him. Snape, gingerly, bent down and picked up Remus' wand as the students erupted into applause. Remus stumbled to his feet, walked to Severus, and eyed him carefully. Then, he nodded, and bowed. Severus, wincing, bowed in return, and handed Remus back his wand. He looked out to the crowd, seeking out Hermione's eyes. She was smiling, but worry creased her mouth and brow as she glanced to his shoulder before looking back at his face. He nodded, and then looked at Minerva. Minerva held out her hand and collected galleons from Hooch, Hagrid, Filch, and Pince. She looked proudly at Severus and then smiled. Slughorn was smiling smugly, along with Pomona and Filius, as Minerva divided up the galleons between them. _They know me better than to bet against me._

The students and staff exited the hall and Severus, with Hermione at his side, walked to his quarters quickly. Harry was following them. His shoulder was, truthfully, screaming in agony, but he'd been through far worse. _I just want Hermione alone_. When they arrived at his quarters, Severus stumbled, but he was caught by Hermione and Harry, who dropped him rather unceremoniously on the couch.

"What can we do?" Harry looked desperately between Hermione and Severus.

"Leave," Severus ground out, and Harry looked at Hermione.

"Go, Harry. I can handle him. He's not going to be very pleasant to you if you stay. He... doesn't like people to see him in pain." Harry looked at Severus. The man's hands were shaking badly. "Go, Harry. Check on Remus. I'm sure he's feeling the aftermath as well."

Harry looked back at Severus, "Hell of a duel, Severus. You're bloody brilliant." Severus winced and nodded, and Harry left them alone. Hermione held a strong pain potion to his lips and he swallowed gratefully.

"Is it as bad as you're making it out to be, Severus?" Hermione raised an eyebrow, a trick she had most definitely picked up from her man. He feigned shook, but she scoffed. "I _know_ you, Severus."

Severus' dark eyes studied her face for a moment, and his hands began to steady as the potion took effect, and then he smiled wryly. "It damn well hurts and I'm exhausted, but Merlin, I wanted you here with me. Just you."

"How very Slytherin of you." She looked deeply into his eyes and stroked his face with her thumb. Moving next to him, she snuggled into his right side. "You really were brilliant, Severus."

He smiled slightly, but his face darkened just a bit. "I thought it would feel better. Beating him."

"It's a testament to your growth," She acknowledged, and he nodded.

"You never answered me. What do I get for winning?" There was flirtatious humor in his tired voice.

"Tonight? You'll get a good night's rest! Tomorrow, though..." She smiled coyly.

He moaned into her hair, and then she stood again, holding her hand out to him, and he took it as she helped him to his feet. With one arm around his waist, she walked him to his bed. He, surprisingly, allowed himself to be, for all intents and purposes, tucked into bed as he stared at her. His previous anxieties flooded over him again as he realized she would be leaving momentarily. Her whiskey eyes narrowed as she saw his face drop. He looked quite helpless.

"What's wrong?"

He considered, for a moment, lying to her, brushing it off as nothing, but decided against it. _She'll know. She always knows_. "If something happens... If I make a mistake with you... With us..." He grimaced. "If I did...You wouldn't make me beg, would you?"

She looked confused, "What are you talking about? Has something happened?"

"No," He answered quickly. "I just... I don't... It's foolish."

She grabbed his hand in hers. "It's not."

"I don't want to be made to beg again if I should make a mistake." There was that rare childlike tone in his voice that reflected all of the brokenness within the man again. Understanding washed over her features. _She understands. She always understands._

You and I are partners. We're equal, Severus. There's no power complex here. Forgiveness is a pillar of successful relationships. I won't lord anything over you. Ever. I won't make you beg. At least not in any way you don't like..."

He looked confused for a moment, and then his mouth dropped open after he realized what she was implying. "That was bold. Even for you," He chuckled and then yawned. Seeing Severus Snape yawn was something so ridiculously normal, but it melted her heart. The man simply didn't yawn around anyone else. He was so human with her, so much more than she would have ever thought possible.

"I am a Gryffindor," She shrugged.

"Don't I know it," He said gruffly. _Gryffindor through and through._

"Get some rest, my victor," She leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

"Stay," He whispered. "Please."

"You've just said you didn't want to beg."

"I said I didn't want to be made to beg. There's a difference. I'll get on my hands and knees right now if it will keep you in my rooms tonight."

"Professor McGonagall will kill us both..."

"Pretty please?" The voice was so unlike anything she ever imagined could come from Severus Snape. It was gentle, playful, and sounded much younger. He sounded happy

"Oh, move over," She sighed just as happily.

 _'I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.'_


	79. Chapter 79

Author's Note: I get the quotes at the end of the chapters from goodreads online. I try to pick quotes from other successful novels. Doing this chapter a bit more from Hermione's thoughts. If Severus closes off, he closes off!

Throughout September, Severus was, by far, more relaxed than anyone had ever seen him. To Hermione, he was a near perfect gentleman. He would, without fail, meet her after her last class of the day and escort her wherever she was headed. Though he was still largely undemonstrative, he would touch his hand to her back, or kiss her head or cheek, or hold her hands in his for a moment. He would never be one for public affection, and his affection for her in private was more than satisfactory. In fact, Hermione noticed that, in private, he was nearly always touching her in some way. He would sit closely enough that their legs would touch if they were on the same couch, or prop his feet near hers so they could lean on each other. He would stand next to her and their arms would brush against each other. Severus did not even seem to notice his touch-starved behavior, and Hermione would never make him self-conscious about it, so she just enjoyed his affections.

On her birthday, Severus asked her to meet him near the boulder by the black lake. As she approached him, she noticed he was standing in front of the boulder, leaning backward against it just slightly, and staring out at the water.

"Severus?"

He turned. In his hands were beautiful purple flowers that had bright yellow centers. "Hermione." He extended his right hand and cradled her cheek as he pressed his lips to hers gently. "Happy Birthday," He whispered.

She smiled up at him. "They're beautiful. Aster, yes?"

"Indeed. It is the birth flower for September."

"I didn't know that," She hummed as she sniffed the small bouquet.

He looked at her intensely, his dark eyes drinking in her beauty. "I had thought about roses, but it seemed too cliche, and Asters symbolize love as well."

"They do?"

"According to the Victorian Flower Language," He nodded as he caught himself staring at her as she admired the flowers.

"You know the Victorian Flower Language?"

"As a Potions Master, many flowers serve a purpose. I had to learn various types of flowers. Their symbolism is... fascinating to me."

Hermione's eyes narrowed. "Severus..."

He furrowed his brow. "What?"

"On our first day in class, you mentioned asphodel..."

"Hermione..." His tone was a warning. _Don't do this now. Not on your birthday._

"Asphodel is a type of Lily...Combining the Victorian Flower Language meanings... The message is..."

"I bitterly regret Lily's death" He said lowly as he stared at her. _Please don't be upset._

She met the intensity of his gaze without flinching. "You're too smart for your own good, Severus."

He snorted and exhaled heavily, clearly having been waiting for a fallout. "So say you - the only person to ever have put that together."

She moved closer to him, her hand rested on his arm, the other holding the flowers. "We don't have much time before dinner, and I know that you have rounds tonight, but I'd like to come see you later..."

He wrapped his arms around her and held her to him with a tenderness that anyone would have thought far beyond the capabilities of Severus Snape. He pushed his nose into her hair and inhaled deeply. _Almond. Shea._ "The Floo is open to you at any time, my love," He said softly.

She rested her chin on his chest and stared up at him with such love in her eyes that he very nearly cried at the sight of it. She was so beautiful. The freckles that dusted her nose, cheeks, and forehead, and the dark hair of her eyebrows which stood in contrast to her pale skin. The long eyelashes. _Perfect._ "You are absolutely stunning, Hermione," He whispered.

Toward the end of October, there was a stark shift in Severus' demeanor. He was more like the Professor Snape he had been in Hermione's first years at school when she was nothing more than a student to him and much less like the touch-craving man he'd become. Severus was snappy, more so than usual, and distant in every way. He was not affectionate in really any way, he avoided any intimacy at all costs, and he seemed largely annoyed by her presence. He was occluding heavily every day, and it was wearing on him. The secretive lifestyle he'd once lived no longer worked for him, though he wasn't likely to admit it. Hermione worked out that his mood swings were related to Halloween, but she was hesitant to mention anything to him. Severus turned inward on himself and, despite Minerva's badgering, looked worse for wear in every way.

He'd taken off his ring, and she, knowing it was useless to wear hers when he didn't wear his, had done the same. He clearly didn't want her to feel his emotions or know where he went when he disappeared. His occulumency had severed their mental connection and he did not seek it out. She looked up at him and noticed the black and blue looking circles under his eyes, the sallow color that had returned to his cheeks, and the stubble on his cheeks that signified several days had passed where he hadn't shaved. He looked exhausted and lost despite his best effort to appear cold and collected. Though he was not at all his usual self, he was more restrained that she might have imagined. For the most part, he was silent when she was around. He hadn't yelled at her, or called her any sort of name. He had, simply, been incredibly distant and generally cold. She had, however, heard students talking about how his temper was rearing its ugly head in his classes once more.

"Did you see the notice that was posted yesterday about Durmstrang and Beauxbaton arriving this week?" She asked casually as he sat grading essays across from her at the small table in his kitchen on Saturday afternoon.

"Yes," He said sharply and didn't look up from the essay on which he was furiously scribbling.

"They'll arrive Monday," She said in an attempt to continue the conversation, but he didn't respond. "Do you want to go for a walk by the lake?"

His quill stopped moving and his dark occuluded eyes looked at her. His scowl was dangerous, and she knew she was treading on thin ice. "What?" He asked, but it didn't appear as if his mouth had even moved.

Hermione narrowed her eyes and realized that there was no beating around any bush of this size. "You're upset that it's nearly Halloween, and I figured that maybe a walk with me would take your mind off of everything for a short while." She shrugged casually, but her heart was racing.

His face had hardened tremendously when he realized hat she was fully aware of what was going on with his moods. No one had ever dared to confront him about the changes they saw in him every October. To have Hermione call him out on his behavior so boldly had deeply unsettled Severus. _Gryffindors..._ "You may walk wherever you wish. I have work to do," He said in a dismissive tone. _That_ muscle in his jaw was jumping again. As a couple, she had never seen the self-loathing and guilt ridden month that was October for him. He'd kept his distance after asking her to be his Secret Keeper during October, and last year, she'd been on the run.

She bit her tongue, knowing that she had pushed him to the point of real discomfort, but she couldn't help the bitterness and rejection she felt at his words, and at his recent behavior. "Fine," she spat and stood up from the chair quickly. He returned his black eyes to the essay before him as she threw her belongings into her bag dramatically. "I'll see you later?"

"If you deem it necessary," He said as his quill scratched across another essay.

"If I..." She growled, and inhaled a deep breath. She knew this was what he wanted. Provoking a fight was his last, and most sure, line of defense to keep people at bay. "Fine. Fine. I'll leave you alone, Severus. Obviously, that's what you want."

She turned and left quickly, but she noticed that his quill had stopped scratching on the parchment as she slammed his door behind her. _Arse._ She crossed her arms and headed toward the grounds. As she walked, she glanced over at Hagrid's hut and didn't see the half-giant outside. When she arrived at his doorstep, she knocked loudly. The large door swung open.

"Hermione! Come on in!" Hagrid greeted her cheerfully and opened his home to her. "Drink?" He asked raising an eyebrow. She nodded. When he handed her the glass, he looked at her face for a moment. "What's troublin' yeh?"

"Snape," She scowled.

"Snape?" Hagrid sounded confused. It was probably a confusion that stemmed from the way she had addressed Severus and from the fact that she was speaking to Hagrid about any of it at all. It all felt rather childish.

"It's nearly Halloween, and he's... It's so difficult to get him to communicate right now. He's lost in his head, and I've no idea how to help. I know he's in a really dark place and he's gone through so much, but I can't help but feel a bit neglected. Sorry. You've probably no interest in any of this," She wiped at her eyes.

"Nonsense, Hermione," Hagrid waved her off. "It's alright. I know yeh feel a bit pushed to the side, but yeh have to be patient with him. I'd reckon he tests your patience a lot, but this is..." He trailed off and looked at her helplessly when he couldn't find the words.

"I know," She sighed and sipped at her drink

"I saw him."

"What?" Hermione raised her eyes to look at Hagrid, who was staring off into the distance with an unmistakable sadness on his face.

"That night. When I went to fetch our Harry. Snape was there," Hagrid said softly. His voice was low, and his words were a bit more put together than usual. "Right bloody mess, he was."

"I... I'm sorry, Hagrid," Hermione said, but she wasn't sure why she was apologizing at all.

"I went to get baby Harry, Snape was there. Dumbledore must've told him. He was a mess, practically feral. Eyes crazy. Hair all wild, sweaty, an' magic sparkin' off his clothes. House was blown to bits. Harry's dad was on the steps. Eyes wide open, but seein' nothin'. Snape was in the nursery. With... Harry's mum. Nearly killed me, he did, when I showed up. Caught him by surprise, I suppose. Didn't want to let me get Harry."

"Why?" Hermione asked. She'd known Severus had gone to Godric's Hollow that night, but she'd never concretely thought about his experiences that night. Why wouldn't he allow Hagrid to take Harry? Why had he gone to Godric's Hollow at all? "Why was he even there? Surely, no one in their right mind would want to see... that."

"Don't think he was in his right mind or particularly rational," Hagrid shrugged. There was a heartbreak that rolled over Hagrid's body language like a tidal wave. "He's been through a lot."

"Did he say anything? When you saw him?"

"Jus' kept sayin' 'I'm sorry,' over an' over. Blubbering mess, Hermione. Never seen him that way before, an' never seen him that way since. That night, he left pretty quick after I got there on account of the Aurors that arrived for... the bodies. What he saw that night, a woman he loved... What he's seen. It's a wonder he's functionin' at all. I nearly died of a broken heart jus' seein' the house... Seeing James and Lily like that. The look on Snape's face..."

"I'm being foolish, aren't I?" She looked at Hagrid. She didn't know what answer she hoped for - yes or no.

"I don't think so. I think yeh need to let summat like this bring yeh together rather than tear yeh apart."

Hermione looked at him for a moment thoughtfully, and nodded. "You're right." She left Hagrid's, pulling her bag over her shoulder, and set out for Severus' quarters. When she arrived, she was both disappointed and surprised to find them completely empty. His essays were still on his table, so he must've intended to come back. Deciding to take her bag back to Gryffindor Tower and return to Severus after dinner, she left. Despite resolving to grow with him in the grief Severus was feeling, Hermione still felt quite put-out. As she walked up the many staircases toward Gryffindor Tower, and neared the corner where she would turn to arrive at The Fat Lady, she heard voices.

"Snape, she's not here, I swear it." She recognized Harry's voice and stopped around the corner. "You can come in and have a look if you don't believe me, but you'll look a bit outta place, I expect. Considering you're Head of Slytherin House."

" _Where_ is she, Potter?" Snape snarled. In his tone, Hermione could hear anger, no doubt about that, but she could also hear panic and fear.

"I bloody well told you I don't know! I've got quidditch. Come in and look! Periwinkle," Harry growled at the portrait. She heard the creaking of the portrait, and Harry's voice becoming muffled as he stood at the tunneled entrance of the common room. "What is going on? Have you two had a row or something?" Severus didn't speak. "Are you coming or not?"

"She isn't here?" Severus asked. His voice sounded smaller and defeated.

"No, I've told you..."

"Swear it," Snape commanded.

"He swears it," Hermione said as she stepped around the corner. Severus' eyes snapped to her at the sound of her voice.

"Hermione," He said in a broken whisper. The portrait closed. Harry, apparently, had enough of Severus' mood swings. He couldn't deal with Snape's dark moods along with his own, though Harry relied more on his friends, and especially Ginny, than ever before in his life.

"What're you doing, Severus?"

"Preparing to beg," He admitted softly. There was a quake in his voice.

"You think I... what? Broke up with you?" She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Might we speak somewhere more private?"

"Sure," She shrugged. She couldn't help her pride. Seeing him again had her feeling the sting of his distance once more. "Periwinkle," She said coolly. She walked into the Gryffindor common room. She glanced at him over her shoulder and saw that he was standing very still at the entrance. His eyes were trained on the threshold. "Surely you won't burst into flames?"

He looked at her, and the pain in his eyes nearly undid her. The man standing there, frozen in place, was not Severus Snape, the spy and fearsome wizard, but Severus Snape, the 15-year-old boy who was guilt ridden and desperate, the 21-year-old who was devastated at the loss of the only person he loved, and her death was something which he blamed himself for entirely. She moved back toward him and extended her hand. "Nobody's here. Nobody's ever here in nice weather. Except Harry and Ron, and they'll be leaving for Quidditch in a minute. They've just got to change."

Severus looked at her hand and seemed to be contemplating whether or not it would bite him, but he swallowed audibly, and took her hand. He stepped into Gryffindor Tower and followed Hermione into the Common Room. He stood stiffly next to the hearth. "I can tell you're uncomfortable. I'll put this upstairs and we can go to your rooms," Hermione said and gestured to the fireplace. Severus looked at the flames and then at her, but remained silent.

She headed up the steps and, a moment later, Ron and Harry appeared. He was standing as awkwardly as he had ever stood in probably his entire life, dressed in black from head to toe, the Slytherin House Head surrounded by scarlet and gold. He shifted nervously under their eyes.

"Snape," Ron said as he moved out of the common room. Harry nodded, and moved to follow him, but stopped and turned to Severus.

"Severus..." Harry said quietly. "Don't drown in it. My mum wouldn't have wanted that." He left the tower behind Ron, and Severus heard the portrait close behind them.

Hermione reappeared and moved to the fireplace. Stepping in, she waited for Severus to stand next to her, and when he did, she Floo'd them to his rooms. Hermione stepped out of the fireplace silently and began brushing off the soot from shirt and jeans. He made no move to do anything similar to himself and, instead, took only one step out from fireplace.

She was quiet, facing away from him, and he watched her intently. Only when he saw the shake in her shoulders, a sob wracking in her frame, did he speak her name. "Hermione..." He reached out with his right hand and touched her shoulder gently. She flinched at the contact, pulled her shoulder out from under his fingertips, and moved a step away.

"I know I'm being foolish. I know I am being childish."

"You are not," He said quietly and she turned to face him uncertainly. His hands were shaking badly and his heart was racing. "I am sorry, Hermione, for my behavior, and my distance. Halloween is...October... I don't cope well. I've left you alone. Again. My guilt and grief are, seemingly, insurmountable. I have tried _so_ hard to let go... And I fail over and over. I don't handle failure well either. Truthfully, I am not sure what I _do_ handle well. I just know that anger is easier to feel than grief."

She shrugged and ran her hands over her arms as the chill of his quarters set in her bones. "I cannot imagine how hard this month must be for you. I'm sorry you are struggling, Severus. It doesn't help that I'm constantly here."

"Don't," He snapped and she jumped backward at the harshness of his tone. " _Don't._ You are, by far, the best person for and to me. I have done you a massive disservice by behaving in a way that would allow you to think otherwise."

She stared up at him, and she could see the internal battle waging inside of him - dark and light, love and loss, regret and acceptance. She stepped closer to him and he held his breath.

"I am sorry, Hermione."

"I spoke with Hagrid. About that night. In Godric's Hollow."

He looked down at her in bewilderment. "Yes. He was charged with transporting Harry from the home to his aunt and uncle, was he not?"

"You don't... You don't remember?"

"Remember?" Severus' brow contracted.

"Seeing Hagrid?"

Severus looked down to the floor, his eyes moving quickly back and forth over the stone. "No. I do not remember a lot of that night."

"I'm sorry," She said quickly.

"Don't be," He whispered. He moved to her hesitantly, and wrapped his arms around her tightly. Her arms encircled him in return and they stood silently together. "I am sorry, Hermione. I... I know I am a difficult man at best. I have spent nearly all of my life on my own."

She breathed in his scent deeply. He was trembling, fearful that he had done some irreparable damage. "I understand, Severus, but these hard moments need to bring us closer together."

"I know," He whispered against her hair. "I'm sorry."

"There's no need to keep apologizing. I told you I won't make you beg. I haven't left you. I won't leave you, but I need you here with me, too. If you're hurting, tell me what I can do to help. If there's nothing I can do to help, then tell me what you want me to do. If you don't want me to do anything, then tell me that..."

He pulled back to look in her eyes and Hermione could see the tears welling up in his obsidian eyes. Severus searched her face hungrily. "My inability to deal with my emotions has always been a weakness."

"You're not alone anymore, my love. It would do you good to remember that."

Severus stared into her eyes and, shuddering, allowed her words to trickle from the top of his head down the rest of his body. The trembling eased slightly as he breathed deeply. "You'll stay with me?"

"Always," She said with certainty.

' _Grief causes you to leave yourself. You step outside your narrow little pelt. And you can't feel grief unless you've had love before it - grief is the final outcome of love, because it's love lost.'_


	80. Chapter 80

The following Friday, October 30th, Severus sat at the head table pushing around his food on his plate. He'd been avoiding Minerva and she was glaring at him. He glanced out at the sea of students and looked briefly at Hermione, who was smiling and eating with her housemates. She looked healthier than she had in a long time, and had gained a deeply necessary tiny bit of weight. She looked phenomenal. His dark eyes returned to his plate and he pushed several peas from the middle of his plate toward the outer edge. There _she_ was looking like _that,_ and here he was looking like _this._ She was beauty personified, and he was... Well. He knew rationally that he could be worth more than a second glance if he would put in any effort to his health, but he didn't feel worthy at the moment at all.

His hair needed cutting badly, his cheeks were sunken and sallow, and his eyes were red around the black irises because he wasn't sleeping well, even by his standards. October was always riddled with nightmares. He'd awake and find he'd nearly screamed himself hoarse, he'd have tears streaming down his face, and his whole body would be sweating and shaking. The stubble on his cheek was more full than it had been a few days ago, and he was even thinner than he had been. He just couldn't eat, and he could feel Minerva's eyes burning into the side of his head. He knew what was coming. She was going to give him the weekend to sort himself out, and if he didn't right himself, she would take his classes for several days. Maybe even a week.

He dropped his head further, allowing his long hair to shield his face, as she stood and walked around the head table. The feast cleared away as she did so, and she moved to stand next to the Goblet of Fire, which had a decorative sheet over it. The Triwizard Trophy sat covered on the head table. The students grew silent as she moved toward the Goblet of Fire.

As she explained the rules and history of the tournament, as well as the change, from one champion from each school to four, Severus focused on Hermione intently. She didn't look away from Minerva. _People die in this tournament._ Remembering the last tournament, he spared a glance at Potter, who looked particularly pale, and looked back at Hermione. There was a fixed determination on her face and, quite frankly, he felt very much like he could be violently ill at seeing it. He remembere his Dark Mark burning as he sat next to Dumbledore.

 _'Albus... Something is wrong... I am being... Summoned,' Severus had hissed. 'The Dark Lord has returned...'_

 _'Do nothing for now, Severus. This is the only way...'_

 _'You knew? You knew and you sent the boy in there anyway!'_

 _Dumbledore said nothing in response._

His arm had burned painfully throughout the last task, but Severus had gritted his teeth and bore it. As looked out at the excited faces in the crowd, he knew that, no matter how many modifications they made to the tasks, there would still be danger. That was the point of the tournament. To rise in the face of danger, and he saw a cocky smirk appear on Hermione's face. _As if facing the bloody Dark Lord a few months ago wasn't enough for her._ He looked at her potential teammates for the tournament, all of whom she had spoken to and had accepted her offer of working together, and realized then, that they, the students, needed this. The school needed this. This tournament, the champion team that would compete for Hogwarts, would serve as a rallying point, a phoenix rising from the ashes of war and devastation, a sense of unity and togetherness that could not be shaken. Draco met Snape's gaze fiercely, and he knew that Draco Malfoy desperately needed a shot at redemption. _Fuck me. This is a necessary evil, isn't it?_

The sheet flew off of the Goblet of Fire and Severus' eyes snapped to it, the flames in the Goblet flickered and reflected in his dark eyes. As Minerva introduced the students, male and female, from Beauxbatons, Severus stared at Hermione. There was no attention on him.

"And now," Minerva said, "the proud sons and daughters of Durmstrang, under High Master Igor Karkaroff!"

Severus' dark eyes snapped to the door. _Karkaroff. He should be dead._ Sure enough, the skinny, tall, and sharp featured man followed his students into the Great Hall. The man's brown eyes met Snape's and a strange look passed over Karkaroff's face. He did not seem at all surprised to see Snape, but Snape's recovery had been well-documented and publicized. Karkaroff had fled and hid. _Apparently successfully._ The world had thought the man's body had been recovered. Severus would have never assessed Karkaroff intelligent enough to fake his own death.

He looked at Minerva, who raised an eyebrow at her. He knew what she was saying with that smug look. If he hadn't been avoiding her, he would not be feeling so surprised at Karkaroff's presence. Severus scowled and looked away from her. He was grateful that Horace was on his left and Flitwick was on his right because, last tournament, Igor had sat next to him. Karkaroff, in his cream colored top and robes and black trousers, sneered at Snape as he moved to an empty seat down the table. Though Severus had no business thinking Igor a 'traitor,' the word did cross his mind as he watched Karkaroff pass him. He was an unscrupulous and egotistical man who would sell his kin to save his own hide. The only loyalty Igor Karkaroff has was to himself, and _that,_ to Severus, was abhorrent. Even though Severus knew the importance of selfishness to guarantee one's own survival, Snape would have never betrayed his cause, despite the personal risk to himself. Seeing Karkaroff, combined with tomorrow being Halloween, had Severus feeling quite nauseous.

Soon enough, the students were dismissed and Severus fled to his personal quarters and warded the door more heavily than usual. He knew Igor would not try to harm him, but he had absolutely zero interest in seeing the other wizard. The only person who would see would be Hermione, and come to him, she did. She stepped from the fireplace and noticed him sitting on the couch with a glass of whiskey held loosely in his hand immediately.

"Severus?"

He looked very lost as she sat next to him and he was scratching absently at the tiny bit of scarring that peaked out from his T-shirt. She took the glass from his hand gently and his eyes moved slowly to her as she sipped it and then choked on the burning sensation. His eyes glittered with dark desire, but he was a man of great restraint and the guilt that was dogging him was enough to sober a man with the highest libido. They hadn't had sex since her birthday. Despite his ever growing desperate desire, he did not act. She would not push him, and had told him that, when he was ready, he will be the one to act. Soon, the glittering desire was occulded from his eyes as she sipped his whiskey again.

"I thought Igor Karkaroff was dead."

"As did I," He said lowly. His eyes never wavered from her face. She could see the anger ripple across his features as he thought of Karkaroff's cowardice.

"We'll enter our team into the Goblet tomorrow," She said hesitantly. She knew the emotional associations tomorrow would bring for him, and she also knew he wasn't entirely happy about her entering the tournament at all. His eyes searched her face.

"I understand," He said after a long silence.

"Ron won't put a team together. He said he's almost lost his arm twice and doesn't think he'd be so lucky a third time. Probably smart."

Severus continued to stare at her and the heat of his gaze reddened her cheeks and neck. Truthfully, she wanted him. Badly. But she knew how conflicted he must feel emotionally, so she looked away.

"Don't," He said.

She wrinkled her nose. "Don't?" She looked back at him intensely and she could see the ferocious desire burning behind his eyes.

"I am sorry," He said softly. _So sorry._

"For what?"

"The confliction," He admitted. "It feels wrong. To desire you so strongly so close to this date, with its weight and significance in my life, and yet, I think of you constantly."

"It's not your fault, Severus. I understand," She assured him. "Maybe we can just kiss? Really kiss? I miss you... Terribly."

"The emotions inside of me are too dark," He said with uncertainty. "I desire you too much. I don't want to... mix those emotions together. My head is already such a mess... I couldn't bear mixing those things for you. They ought not to be mixed..."

"I will stop you," She said. "I swear it. Just kissing." Her smile was coy, but she grew serious once more. "Trust me."

He took the glass from her hand and set it on the end table next to him. Looking back into her eyes, he cradled her face in his hands. Slowly, so slowly, he moved toward her and pressed his mouth to hers. His kiss was tentative and questioning, but she kissed him back softly. She knew she could have him lose himself in his desire, but couldn't bear the thought of him regretting the intimacy later, so she neither pushed nor pulled in her kiss. He moved his mouth to her chin, then trailed light kisses on her jawline. When he moved to her neck, she hissed.

"Only kissing," She said. She hoped her words sounded stronger than she felt. They must have because his mouth returned to her with a gentleness and uncertainty that made her want to weep for him. She pulled away from his mouth and hugged him to her. He was quiet, trembling, and clutched at her clothing. His magic was latching onto hers, her light to his dark, a yin and yang. She could feel his magical pulse against her own.

To know he was struggling so terribly with the time of year was one thing. To know he was struggling so terribly outside and inside of their relationship was another thing entirely. He loved her, desired her, but his past had so many ties on him still, even after all of these years. He would never not hurt at this time. Grief was monstrous. She pulled back and looked over his face hungrily. What words could she say to assure him that he is only human? What act could she make to let him know he was loved in all ways? His eyes were closed as she stared at him. She had once thought this man heartless and insensitive, but nothing could have been further from the truth. He felt things more deeply than anyone else she had ever met, even if his demeanor remained stoic. Appearances could be so deceptive and this man was living and breathing proof of that. That's the sort of man that Severus Snape was: a hero so heroic he'd cast himself as the villain. His onyx colored eyes opened slowly and he met her gaze.

"Severus..." She whispered and his eyes flickered.

 _'To love is to accept a soul entirely, not wishing that the person was otherwise, nor hoping for change, nor clinging to some ideal past. To love is to cherish the individual standing before you presently― charms, quirks, and all. To love is to give someone a piece of your heart that you will never, ever reclaim.'_


	81. Chapter 81

Author's Note: Happy Holidays! I will try to update once more before the new year, but I am going out of town to see family. Love to you all!!

Early the next morning, he watched Hermione walk toward the Goblet of Fire with his arms folded across his chest. Draco, Justin, and Luna followed closely behind her, all of their signatures scrawled upon the folded piece of paper in her perfect hands. She reached up and dropped the piece of paper into the flames, turned, and began speaking to Draco.

"Severus," Minerva's voice came from behind him. "We cannot find Potter."

He turned to her. "What the devil do you _mean_ you can't find Potter?" Remus, behind her, was glaring in equal measure, apparently feeling similarly to Severus. "He's Harry _fucking_ Potter. How do you lose _him?!"_ He hissed.

"He left. Sometime in the night. He's not on the grounds. He didn't go to the Burrow."

Severus glanced toward Hermione. _Harry..._ "No. He didn't go to the Burrow."

"You know where he is?" Minerva asked.

"I have a theory, yes," Severus said and locked eyes with Remus. Remus, understanding what Severus was implying, nodded sharply.

"We must go," Remus said quickly. Severus looked at Hermione again, with her back to him talking with her friends, and then looked back at Remus.

"Let's go," Severus said firmly.

"Not saying goodbye?" Remus raised an eyebrow.

"She won't let me go without her. She's safer here. We're still being hunted," Severus admitted as they walked.

"Severus..." Minerva started, but Severus cut her off.

"No, Minerva. Tell her what you must, but under no circumstances are you to allow her to leave school property."

Minerva looked at him, and then resigned to agree with Severus. Hermione would never allow him to run off searching for one of her best friends without her, and she would have, most especially, not allowed him to journey to Godric's Hollow without her, knowing how painful such a trip would be for him. He couldn't bear to put any more of his grief onto her.

Remus looked at Severus as they stood at the edge of the grounds, and then they looked to Minerva as she spoke. "Be careful. Both of you. I want an update as soon as possible. If I don't hear from either of you within an hour, I'm coming after you myself, and I can assure you, I won't be alone." Her glared settled on Severus.

The two wizards nodded, drew their wands, and stepped across the barrier. Remus put his hand on Severus' right shoulder, and they disapparated. When they reappeared, they stood in the alley way that Severus had walked in 17 years ago to the day at 21-years-old. The memories, the emotions, flooded over him, and he slumped briefly against the wall.

"Severus?" Remus said quietly.

Severus shook his head furiously and pushed into the wall with his right hand, holding himself steady. "I was here that night. Here. _Right_ here."

Remus waited for a moment. He had not known Severus had come to Godric's Hollow that night, but looking back, knowing what he knew now... How could he not have come? Remus himself had come, later, being here was bringing back all kinds of awful memories. Severus composed himself well enough to move forward as the autumn morning sun illuminated the destroyed house. Both Severus and Remus stopped in their tracks before it.

"Why didn't they ever repair it?" Severus asked in horror.

Remus looked at the memorial, "'This house, invisible to muggles, has been left in its ruined state as a monument to the Potters and as a reminder of the violence that tore their family apart.' You know, James would've hated that."

Severus stared at the plaque, and then his dark eyes moved back toward the house. He remembered the darkness of that night, the cries of infant Harry inside. Severus, his shaking hand gripping his wand tightly in his right hand, brought his left hand to cover his mouth. He felt very much as if he were going to be sick. "I cannot go in there again."

"Homenum Revelio!" Remus hissed and, sure enough, the outline of a figure sitting inside the house appeared to them. _Harry._

Remus inhaled sharply, "We must go to him. He's not safe here."

Severus bit his tongue and tasted blood. He stepped toward the house, as he'd done so many years ago, and Remus followed him. Both wizards had their wands raised. The barriers that protected the house allowed them to pass.

"How?" Remus looked at Severus.

"This is old magic," Severus said as he looked around. "Ancient wards. Sacrificial wards. We sacrificed to save Harry Potter. As they did," Severus surmised.

Remus swallowed, realizing his sacrifices, and stepped forward. He tapped the door with his finger tips and it fell open with a creak. "Harry?" He called out into the house.

There was no response, so the two men advanced into the house. Severus was sweating. He'd come in this way before. The things he didn't want to remember were all coming back to him. As they moved to the stairs, Snape began to sweat and tremble. "Fuck."

Remus turned to him, "What is it?"

"Potter... He was there," The vision of the man's lifeless body flashed before his eyes.

"Bloody hell, Severus. You came that soon after? Sirius didn't say he saw you. You came before Hagrid...?"

"Yes," Severus said and smoothed his sweaty hands over his trousers. He remembered now.

' _Snape, it's me!' Hagrid had cried out when Snape pinned him to the wall, wand underneath his chin. 'It's me! Dumbledore sent me to get Harry. I'm to take him to his aunt and uncle's.'_

 _'To Petunia?' Snape had spat. 'No. No. You can't. Her son.'_

 _He released his hold on Hagrid and stepped back. His body shielding Lily's body and the baby Harry, who wailed in his crib. 'I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.'_

 _The cracks of disapparition, and the roaring of a flying motorcycle filled his ears as he whirled to face the windows. His wand clutched in his hand, his free hand resting on the crib._

 _'That'll be the Aurors... and Sirius...' Hagrid said lowly. 'Yeh have to go. Yeh can't be seen here!'_

 _Snape looked around frantically, at Harry, and then to Lily. 'I'm so sorry.' He kneeled next to Lily's body, his whole body shaking with his sobs, and brushed a strand of deep red hair out of her face. 'I'm so sorry. Sorry. So sorry.'_

 _'Hagrid?' An Auror called out into the house._

 _'Up here!' Hagrid called with tears in his eyes. Snape looked up at him. 'Go, Professor.' Snape heard the footsteps below, heard Sirius Black's grieving howls, and he disapparated._

Severus followed Remus up the stairs, and Snape was diligent to step away from where James had fallen. He dragged his fingertips along the wall as he'd done that night, the feeling of the wall the only real thing in such a surreal moment. "Harry?" Remus called again.

Remus walked through the broken door frame, and Severus stared at it. He remembered, too clearly, how it had felt to see Lily's body on the floor, so lifeless, so still, green eyes opened but unseeing. Remus turned, "Oh, Harry."

"Snape?" Harry croaked questioningly, though he couldn't see Severus in the hallway.

"He's here," Remus said, and Snape stepped out from the hallway into the broken nursery. The image of Lily on the floor flashed before him and he closed his eyes tightly. When he opened them, he met Harry's gaze.

"I knew you'd come," Harry said. "You always do." There was a strange slur in Potter's words.

"Harry... Are you... Drunk?" Remus asked as he bent down and lifted Harry to his feet.

"Not anymore, I expect," Harry shrugged.

Snape, enraged, pushed Harry back into the wall behind him. "You fool! There are still many people who would like to see you dead!"

Harry looked up at him, eyes red and glassy. His drunken idiocy dawned on him and he stumbled to apologize. "I wanted to feel nothing."

"So you come _here?_ Where you nearly died? Where your mother and father died? To feeling _nothing_?" Snape seethed.

"I drank to feel nothing, and then I came here to feel close to them. It... doesn't make sense now, does it?" Harry scratched at the back of his head

"Harry, you can't just wander off on your own... It's not safe," Remus said softly over Severus' shoulder.

"I knew you'd come for me. I knew you'd know where to find me," Harry looked steadily at Snape and Severus flinched.

"You're still drunk, Potter. We must return to Hogwarts."

"I don't want to leave," Harry slurred. "I'm not ready to leave. This was my home. D'you know how different my life could've been?" Snape recoiled from Harry like he'd slapped him. _Oh, how I know it, boy. "_ They didn't love me. The Dursley's. I was a burden. Dropped on their front step. They kept me in a fucking closet under the stairs. None of you did anything about it. This was my home, and I could've been happy and normal, and instead I was neglected. Cursed at. Left out. Lied about. Not one birthday present or party, not one Christmas present, no clothes that weren't Dudley's first..."

Severus stared at Harry in disbelief. He knew that Harry would not lie about something like that, and the realization that Lily's sister had turned on her own nephew that way... _Fuck._

"Take him back to Hogwarts," Severus growled and moved toward the hallway.

Remus grabbed his arm, and Snape snapped, pointing his wand at Remus' forehead, before realizing what he'd done. He immediately pulled his wand away from Lupin's face, and disappeared out of the house. He disapparated to Privet Drive, where he knew the Petunia and her pig of a husband had returned after the war.

He knocked loudly on the door, and it swung open, revealing a shocked and much older than he remembered Petunia Dursley.

"What are _you_ doing here?" She spat at him with all the distaste he remembered from his youth.

"How could you?" Severus growled angrily. "Your own flesh and blood. Her son. Lily's son."

Petunia's pale eyes narrowed and she pursed her lips, "I don't know what that boy has told you..."

"Why, Petunia?"

Petunia glanced around nervously and noticed her neighbor's eyeing the strangely dressed dangerous looking man at her door. She opened the door and allowed Severus entrance. Her husband wasn't there apparently, nor was her son. The men would've made themselves known. They stood in the foyer and she pinched the bridge of her nose. "We didn't want anything to do with _your world."_

"We being you _and_ your husband, or just your husband? I seem to recall _you_ feeling differently," He sneered at her. For a moment, they were children again, eyeing each other, fighting over Lily, albeit much differently this time.

"Whatever you remember, it isn't truth today," She said softly. "That boy isn't the only one who lost someone that night in Godric's Hollow. He didn't just lose a mother. I lost a sister. Whatever we were then, whatever came between us, she was still... My sister."

"He was your nephew, and yet you housed him like some animal in that cupboard," Snape pointed at the tiny cupboard under the stairs.

"I didn't know what to do!" She said frantically. "He was showing magic! We didn't want anything to do with it! It killed my sister!"

"You were afraid of him? A boy who was depending on you to meet his every need..."

"Yes!" She exclaimed. "And it didn't help..."

Severus looked at her. The contempt on his face was heavy. She spoke again. "How could you bear it? Her eyes on his face..."

That unsettled Severus tremendously. He shifted his weight to one foot. "I didn't handle it well."

"Nor did I," She said and arched an eyebrow at him.

"What reason did you have to hate his father?" Severus scowled, angry at being likened to Petunia, though he knew he did probably just as much damage to Potter.

"What reason?" She snapped. "He came in, messing up his hair, talking of war, and acting so disgustingly gallant. He dragged her into all that. He's the reason she's dead!"

There it was. The whole truth of Petunia Dursley. She hated James Potter. She blamed him for the death of her sister, and for Harry being left under her care. She feared Harry because of the magic that coursed through his veins, the same magic that had been used to kill her family.

"I share your sentiments on his _heroic_ arrogance," Severus said venomously. "James Potter, though, was not to blame. Lily shared his sentiments. Despite Potter's pompousness, he was lionhearted, and he died trying to protect his wife and child."

"If she hadn't married him... She might still be alive. You must have thought that..." Petunia said. "I know you loved her. I saw how you looked at her."

"She made choices that were right for her. They were her choices to make, Petunia, and she made them. There's no use in playing out a million different "what if" scenarios. It only serves to make it all hurt worse."

"You sound as if you're speaking from experience?"

Severus glared at her, and said, "He was your family."

"Don't act as if you're so righteous, Severus Snape. You think my nephew didn't ever speak of you while he was at school? You think I don't know what mark is on your arm?"

His eyes burned into hers. _She's right._ Severus couldn't deny that he had made just as many mistakes in regards to Harry, but he couldn't help but feel wrathful knowing the boy had been neglected and verbally abused as he had in his youth. "My mistakes are mine, just as your mistakes are yours, but I hope you know someday that you'll have to answer to your sister for what you've done. Just as I have already, and I don't know that she'll be so forgiving of you."

She pinched her lips together and shivered at the thought. "Why are you here, Severus? Nothing good ever comes when you're around."

It stung, but Severus managed a dark chuckle. "I'm here to give you some advice..."

She looked at him suspiciously. The darkness on Snape's face couldn't mean anything good. "What is it then? Your advice?"

"Any progeny your son fathers will, more than likely, have magic, especially if they are female," Severus smirked darkly. "You'd better learn how to handle things a bit better. I'd wager you have a while to get used to the idea, looking at the pictures on these walls. He's not actually fending women off with a stick, I'm sure." He turned on his heel and left, leaving the door open, he disapparated, and stepped quickly back into the boundary of Hogwarts. Back in Surrey, a stricken Petunia Dursley stood looking out her open door with her hand over her mouth.

As he walked to the castle, he reflected on his visit with Petunia. He hadn't seen her since they were teenagers, in between school years before he and Lily had stopped being friends. So much in his life had changed, and Severus now cared very much for Harry, though he would not soon be caught admitting it, and the idea that Lily's son had suffered as he had was too painful. He saw the broken house, but the broken house was not nearly as broken as the Boy Who Lived. Potter, like Snape, had much damage they had endured over the years and they both had held themselves together out of sheer willpower. They'd forced themselves to make it to that finish line, and it nearly tore Snape's chest open to think that Potter might feel as lost in this new world as he did. Healing, Severus thought, must require some sort of teamwork.

 _'Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.' ~ The Shack_


	82. Chapter 82

Author's Note: Enjoy the bit of emotional fluff. Happy Holidays!

He was stumbling slightly as he stepped into the castle. Minerva, who had sense the wards shifting, approached him in the courtyard. He shook his head furiously at her. _Please, no. No. No._

"Later!" He hissed. She looked him over and touched his arm.

"Severus... Where have you been?" She asked worriedly. She could see that he was sweating profusely. "Remus and Harry returned over an hour ago..."

"I can't... Minerva..." He leaned against a pillar for support and closed his eyes. The world around him was spinning and his shields were beginning to crash down around him. _No. No. Not here._

"Let me help you, Severus," She whispered and waved off a few students who had stopped to look at their professors with concern.

Severus opened his eyes and pushed himself away from the stone structure. He noticed the worried looks on the faces of the nearby students, and then he looked at Minerva. Nervously, he flicked his hair away from his face.

"Professor Snape has a bit of a virus. He's alright, I assure you. He'll be right as rain come Monday, I'm sure. Just needs to take the remainder of the weekend to rest. No Halloween Feast for him unfortunately," She said and tapped his back to get him moving. As they walked into the school, he leaned a bit into Minerva's guiding hand. Somehow, some way, they arrived at his quarters.

"Hermione's waiting for you inside. She knows to summon me should you need anything. My boy... I am so sorry. I should have never asked."

When he opened the door to his quarters, he stopped dead as he looked at Hermione. Minerva exited and shut the door behind her. Hermione stood in his sitting room, and he could see her eyes were puffy and her cheeks were tear stained. He moved to her slowly, and she gestured for him to sit as she returned back to the couch. She had her knees pulled up to her chest.

"You went to find Harry?" She asked. It wasn't really a question, and she clearly already knew anyway. Still, she was watching him in her peripheral, so he nodded. Her voice was strangely aloof.

"You went with Remus to Godric's Hollow?"

"Yes," He said softly. He could feel his occulumency shields wavering.

She looked at him so abruptly that he flinched. His eyes were shielded, but she could see the cracks in the shields. His jaw was twitching and she could see him grinding his teeth. In his eyes, behind the cracked occulumency shield, there was a wild and frazzled look. As Hermione looked at Severus, she realized just how committed and loyal this man was. He had gone somewhere where he'd seen probably the most traumatic thing he'd ever seen without hesitating to help Harry, to help Lily's son. He was intelligent and would have known, immediately, the damage it would do to him to go into that house again, but he'd done it regardless. Now, here he sat before her, sweating, trembling, hands shaking badly, with his eyes closed. Her silence was unnerving.

"Please... Say something..." He croaked helplessly. _She's angry. She's angry. Angry._

"Look at me," She said and he obeyed. "You are so very brave."

He sagged into her body and he was sobbing in spite of his best efforts to control his emotions. His trembling hands gripped her shirt tightly, and he buried his face into her neck. Once his pulse quieted in his ears a bit, he could hear her talking the panic down and out of him. Her voice was thick with emotion. "You're the bravest man I've ever known. You didn't hesitate to go get Harry and make sure he was brought back safely, even though the ordeal cost you quite a lot. You have always put yourself last. How could I stay angry with you? I was so upset you didn't tell me where you were going, that you left without a word, but when I realized what you'd gone to do, where you'd gone... How on Earth could I stay angry? You're so brave, Severus. So unbelievably brave. Your heart is beautiful, my love. So very beautiful. I'm so sorry that you had to go there tonight, that you had to face such painful memories, but you're safe now, and you're home, and I love you."

He moved to rest his forehead against hers. "I remember. Seeing Hagrid..." He shivered violently.

"I'm so sorry, Severus," She said as she cradled his face in her hands. Her lips pressed kisses all over his face. "I'm certain it was positively awful for you... I'm so sorry, my love. I'm so sorry. You're safe now. You're loved. You're not alone anymore."

Severus nodded against her hands, and allowed himself to be comforted in a way that he'd never allowed before. For so many years, he was so lonely, and now he had someone who not only knew the deepest and darkest parts of him, but someone who also accepted all of his flaws - large and small. She loved him not despite his flaws, not regardless of his flaws... Hermione loved him because of his flaws. She knew every quirk and every flaw made him who he became, and the man he became was the man she loved.

He opened his eyes and looked at the woman before him as if seeing her for the very first time. She was more than beautiful. She was, to him, the very definition of perfection. She was gracious, accepting, kind, intelligent... His mouth dropped open slightly as he realized how desperately he needed her in his life, and how foolish he'd been to waste any time arguing with himself about whether or not he deserved her. She could be anywhere in the world with anyone in the world, and she was here, in his quarters, comforting _him._ It wasn't about _deserving._ As he stared wondrously into her honey colored eyes, he saw so much love pouring out of them, so much hope.

"I love you," He said in a raspy voice.

"I love you," She returned.

"Thank you," He said softly.

"Whatever for?"

"For you," He said seriously and she raised an eyebrow at him.

"I'm only doing what anyone does for someone they love, Severus."

He bit his lip and shook his head. "You do not understand. _No one_ has ever done anything like this for me before in my life. It's just you. You're the only one."

Tears welled up in her whiskey eyes, and he flinched. No matter the reason, he loathed to see her cry, and he leaned forward and let his deep voice rumble into her ear. "It's just you for me. It will always be just you." He kissed her ear and hugged her to him tightly. "That's all that matters to me. Just you," He whispered. She hugged him back equal fervor, though she had no real understanding of the epiphany he'd just had. She certainly wouldn't complain about or question the uncharacteristic emotional confession. _This_ was _her_ Severus, and the rest of the world could bugger off. Until Monday, at least.

 _'There is a difference between someone telling you they love you and them actually loving you.' ~ Milk and Honey_


	83. Chapter 83

Severus spent much of the next day and a half tangled in Hermione's arms. He was needy in a way he hadn't ever been with her before, and he seemed very hesistant to separate from her even for a moment. She did her homework while he sat next to her with his nose buried in her wavy hair in silence. He dozed off occasionally, and he even seemed to have an appetite back. She had left for awhile Saturday night and Sunday to check on Harry. Harry was desperate to speak with Severus, and to apologize, but Severus was adamant he was not up to that.

In the evening, there was a knock at his door. He looked at Hermione helplessly, and was completely unwilling to answer the door. He remained very still next to her and she watched as he grimaced when a second knock came at his door. She looked at him sympathetically as she rose from the couch and walked to the door. Severus slipped into his bedroom out of sight and shut the bedroom door, though he stood at it and amplified his hearing with his wand.

"Remus? Hi, Teddy!

"Hermione... Is he alright?" Remus kept his voice down.

"He's asleep," She said.

"Is he alright? I... When we were in Godric's Hollow... His face..."

Hermione didn't speak for a long moment. _Probably contemplating what to share._ "He was... pretty torn up, and had some nightmares last night, but he's... Doing a bit better now. He's been sleeping a lot today, and actually eating..."

Remus sighed. "Perhaps it provided some sort of closure."

"We've not really talked about it yet. He tends to dissect his own emotions and work through things on his own before he discusses anything with me. When he speaks, he wants to be sure of himself, of his own heart and head."

"I suppose that would make sense," Remus admitted. "Please, let him know that I am thinking of him, and that I am looking forward to our inevitable rematch duel."

"I will. Thank you, Remus. For checking on him."

"Of course, Hermione. Say goodnight to your Auntie, Teddy!"

The door shut again and Severus creaked open the bedroom door and stepped out into the light of the sitting room once more. He was eyeing Hermione suspiciously. She looked at him and furrowed her brow. "What, Severus?"

"What does he want?"

"You tell me. You were standing there listening," She shrugged and plopped down on the couch.

He walked around the couch to stand in front of her. There was an insecurity on his face. " _What_ does _he_ want?"

"He just wanted to check up on you," She said plainly.

"What does he want? We've given him his potion," Severus said and crossed his arms uncertainly over his chest.

"He doesn't _want_ anything, Severus. People check up on other people."

"That is not true... at least in my experience. People don't do that for me."

"They do now," She stared at him. In her eyes, there was a challenge that he was unwilling to take, so he submitted. His shoulders slumped as he sat next to her.

"The Gryffindor-Slytherin match is this coming Saturday," He noted. "I will have to find my House Head robes for Lupin."

Hermione laughed. "I'm sure you will find him wearing Slytherin green quote satisfying."

"Indeed," Severus said evenly.

"They'll draw names out of the Goblet of Fire tomorrow."

"I am aware," He said coolly and avoided her gaze. As much as he knew it wasn't a fight he could win, he was still very much uneasy about her entering such a tournament.

"I know you're worried about it, but I have already survived worse."

"Hermione..." His voice held a warning.

"Besides, you'll be helping me. I couldn't be safer."

He scowled. "Yes, you could be. Next to me. In the stands."

She snorted. "Oh, please, Severus. You know you'll get satisfaction when we win."

He looked at her then and studied her face for a moment. There were a million thoughts that raced through his head, but he sighed and then smiled slightly.

"And we have a winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award," She drawled humorously.

He narrowed his eyes. "I'm not Lockhart."

"Oh, don't I know it. I had the world's largest crush on that man and, looking back, I'm so disappointed in myself for it."

"You weren't alone," Severus raised an eyebrow. "Students gawked at him everywhere he went. I don't understand it. Nobody did that to him when he was at school. Gilderoy was always an arrogant arse."

"It's too bad that his memories are gone. I should have very much liked to have him look himself in the mirror and see that the whole world knows he's a fraud."

Severus stared at her for a moment. Her words triggered something in his head about memory charms. _Perhaps..._ He said nothing more about Gilderoy Lockhart and merely pulled her feet across her lap and began to dig his thumbs into the knots on her arches.

"There are orthotics charms you can place on your shoes, Hermione," He said.

"Yes, but then I wouldn't get to enjoy your foot massages..." He shrugged. She winced as his thumb found a particularly tense knot in her right foot. She laid back on the couch, set her book on the floor beside her, and closed her eyes. She moaned as his slender fingers worked her small feet. After a few minutes, he tugged at his thumbs to pop them and then resumed rubbing.

"You're really quite good at this, you know," She said.

In a moment of boldness he couldn't stifle, his hands traveled up her legs and trailed the inside of her thighs. Her eyes shot open and there were flames of desire roaring in her honey colored eyes.

"I am sorry for my distance," He whispered as his courage waned.

"I understand it, Severus," She said. When confusion colored his features, she spoke again. "Even if you don't."

He was drawing light figure eights on the inside of her thigh with his fingertip, and he looked at her with unspoken questions all over his face. Hermione stood and held out her hand to him. His dark eyes looked from her hand to her face before he put his hand in hers. She led Severus to the bedroom as she watched him chew nervously on his bottom lip, a habit he'd picked up from her. The soft glow of the lamp on the nightstand illuminated the darkly decorated room. Hermione moved him backward into the bed gently and he sat on the edge of the bed watching her as she pulled her sweater over her head. Her golden brown hair fell across her collarbone against her pale skin. Severus' breath hitched in his chest as she unzipped her jeans. She stood before him now in nothing but a royal purple bra and matching lace underwear.

His obsidian orbs moved down her body slowly, drinking in her figure. "Lace?" He looked back up to her face and she smiled at the look of pure and unguarded desire on his face.

"I just thought it was cute," She shrugged casually, and he reached with his right hand and tugged at the thin lace material with his pointer and middle fingers. "Oh, no, no. Not yet."

She leaned over him and began kissing his neck and he flinched when her mouth brushed over the edges of his scarring. Severus held her waist in his hands, his thumbs tucked under the lace of her underwear, and he groaned. She reached back for his left arm and slid his wand out from his sleeve. Straddling him, she sat back and dragged his wand down his chest. Each button of his dress shirt popped open. She quickly whisked away his shirt completely and dragged her nails down his chest, causing him to shudder and moan. She ground against him briefly before sliding off of him and kneeling between his legs.

Her hands rubbed over his hard length inside of his trousers and he arched off of the bed into her touch. She unzipped his black trousers and pulled them, along with his briefs, down off of his legs. He laid there fully erect eyeing her intensely as she stared at his naked body and his manhood. The hair that trailed down from his belly button met the black curls at the base of his shaft. Truthfully, he was not unkempt there at all. She had heard gossip in the common room that some men never took care of the hair down here, but she didn't imagine Severus to be one who "man-scaped," so she surmised that he just was not incredibly hairy.

She gripped his length tightly and he hissed at the contact. When she leaned forward, his right hand shot toward her. "No. You don't have to."

"What if I want to?"

He swallowed loudly and moved his hand away. She ran her tongue up the length of him and swirled around the soft and sensitive head. "Fuck!" He cried out loudly. She swallowed him slowly, testing herself. He tasted so masculine - salty, and yet a tiny bit sweet. She tightened her lips around him as she moved up and down his length.

Her eyes met his and she smiled as he squirmed. He was clutching at the slate gray bed sheets desperately. Severus Snape in the throes of ecstasy was a sight to behold. Every wiry muscle in his body flexed at the same time, and his hips arched into her mouth. All too soon, he cried out for her to stop and scooted away from her on the bed.

"Did I do something wrong?" She asked, and he laughed.

"Dear God, no. Quite the contrary, actually," He smiled at her and pulled her to him. He could taste himself on her mouth and he moaned deeply. Laying her back on the bed, he struggled for a moment to adjust himself into being on top as the weakness in his left shoulder proved to be more of a nuisance than he had patience for. He settled between her legs, grabbed a fistful of that lovely lace underwear and pulled it to the side.

Sliding inside her fully, he stilled and his eyes raked over her naked body. "Exquisite."

She blushed under him, and the blush really did go all the way down to her breasts. Leaning forward on his right elbow, he kissed her chest all over all while holding perfectly still inside her. She ground against him and whimpered for him to move. "Please, Severus," She begged into his ear.

He moved against her and her pent up desire for him did not take much to unleash. His magic sparked with hers, the colors of their cores intermixing - his loyal and honest royal blue, his quiet and practical grey, and his powerful, authoritarian, and disciplined black looped inside and outsider her compassionate violet, her trustworthy sky blue, and her dependable lime green. The colors sparked across their skin and swirled together. She was clenching down on his length, and he had to close his eyes and actively employ occulumency to ensure that he did not finish too early. Her nails moved down his back hard and he hissed at the red marks her nails left in their wake. Shifting slightly, he hit the angle she needed and she grew louder under him.

"Come for me," He demanded through his teeth, and she dug her nails into his shoulder blades hard and came undone completely. His shields crashed and he emptied himself inside of her.

They stayed there for a moment, completely silent except for their heavy breathing. "The colors?" She asked through her heavy breaths.

"Our magic," He said as he rolled to his side next to her.

"But that's... Isn't that a type of soul-bonding magic?"

He was quiet for a moment. "Yes."

"But we didn't try to do that..."

"No."

"Like our patronuses... Soul-magic is fairly rare from what I understand... It only happens with..."

"Hermione, if you say soulmates, I will vomit and ruin this evening entirely."

"How romantic... But don't you think it's possible?"

He sighed and rolled onto his back. "I do not believe in soulmates, but I believe that our magic recognizes the other's magic as both compatible with and deeply committed to itself."

She didn't say anything, and he was soon asleep next to her and snoring softly. She lay awake and stared at his ceiling thinking about how intimate their bond must be if their magical cores intertwined. Eventually, she had to move, woke him briefly to kiss him goodbye, and slipped out into the corridor the head back to Gryffindor Tower. She desperately needed to have a private girl chat with Lavender and Ginny, but she couldn't ever say anything to Severus about it as she was sure, as much as he loved her, that he would kill her for telling anyone that his magical soul was _that_ cliche that had romantically bonded to hers.

' _It suddenly made sense. Only twice in his life had he felt this inexplicable, almost mystical attraction to a woman. He'd thought it remarkable, to have found two, when in his heart he'd always believed there was only one perfect woman out there for him._ _His heart had been right. There was only one.' ~ An Offer from a Gentleman_


	84. Chapter 84

Author's Note: I do not intend for Hermione to get pregnant as of yet, but if that is what the people want, I am happy to oblige. I just figured that they were responsible enough to take care of preventative measures without me writing it.

Severus took his usual seat between Slughorn and Lupin for the Goblet of Fire Choosing Ceremony. He watched Minerva walk up between the long tables. The Hogwarts students were intermixed between Houses, and teams that had entered the tournament were sitting huddled together. He was grateful that, for this tournament, Minerva had demanded that some of the professors from the other schools attend the tournament to continue the education of their own students. When they, mostly Durmstrang, had argued that their teachers needed to stay behind to teach the students who were not over 17, she kindly informed them that Ilvermorny had been begging to be apart of the tournament and would gladly take their place. Nobody wanted to lose a spot to the Americans. The previous tournament had proven exceptionally tiring for many reasons, and one of them being several extra classes on top of all his other obligations. Minerva approached him carefully.

"Are you prepared, Severus? For what may come out of that Goblet?"

"I assure you I won't fall over dead, unless her name is not chosen. Then, I will die of happiness," He said smoothly. "There is, however, another issue I would like to address with you after all of this peacocking is over."

She rolled her eyes at his verbiage, but assented nonetheless. She turned back toward the hushed crowd.

Lupin looked at Snape. "You know she will be picked, don't you? She is the only one of the triumvirate to enter."

"I am aware, Lupin," Severus breathed. Minerva began the ceremony and Severus' black eyes settled on Hermione, who glanced at him nervously and smiled.

Minerva approaches the Goblet of Fire as it spat out its first selection. "The Durmstrang team: Milena Barons, Sandor Levin, Dacso Zarins, and Aliz Osis." There were loud and enthusiastic cheers and chanting from the Durmstrang table and staff as their champions walked toward the front of the hall. The flames of the Goblet of Fire roared once more. "The Beauxbatons team: Leo Martin, Celine Dubois, Beau Augustin, and Lisette Thomas." The Beauxbaton staff and students burst into applause and their champions joined the Durmstrang team at on the slightly raised stage at the front. Severus shifted nervously in his seat and his discomfort was evident on his face.

"Careful, Severus. Your emotional side is showing."

Severus scowled quickly, which effectively wiped his apprehension from his face. "Bugger off, wolf," He growled.

"You say it like you don't mean it as a term of endearment, but I know you do," Remus teased as the flames of the Goblet blazed once more. He silenced and sat as still as Severus in tense apprehension. Both wizards seemed to be holding their breath.

Minerva caught the slip of paper out of the air. "The Hogwarts team: Luna Lovegood, Draco Malfoy, Justin Finch-Fletchley, and Hermione Granger." The Hogwarts tables roared their congratulations along with the staff.

"Fuck," Severus hissed under his breath and looked down at the table.

Remus bumped him with his elbow as the champions approached the head table. Severus' eyes moved up and met Hermione's. He saw how proud she looked, and how she glowed as she smiled at him. He couldn't help but to return her smile with a small one of his own and he picked up his glass and tilted it toward her before taking a sip. _Cheers, my love._

Lupin snorted. "She'll win this, Severus, if she has to drag the lot of them across the finish line kicking and screaming."

"She tends to get what she wants," He admitted as he eyed her. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of pride blossoming in his chest as he looked at _his_ champion. She looked positively radiant as she stood with her teammates. The champion teams were escorted to the Headmistress' office and the House Heads from all of the schools followed. Hermione was engaged in conversation with her teammates, and Severus stared at the back of her head for a moment before he looked at Draco.

If there was someone to feel pity for, would it not be Draco Malfoy? He stood no chance from the moment he was born. Yes, there are always choices to be made, but how much freedom does a child in his situation have? His father was a Death Eater when he was born. His mother was staunchly supportive of her husband, despite whatever her personal opinions may have been at the time. His moral cowardice at times did make him a tough sell for most people, but truthfully, he was quite intelligent. He was far more like his mother, but his father's tendencies to want to impress other people had definitely been inherited. Lucius must have seemed untouchable to Draco as a child. His father was wealthy and had connections in high places. If someone such as Lucius Malfoy, with the friends and money that he had, said that half-bloods and muggleborns were unworthy, it must have seemed true to a young Draco. Lucius put a tremendous amount of pressure on his son, and all Draco ever seemed to want to do was make his father proud. What son doesn't want that when they are young? Severus knew he had been, for a while, no different with his own abusive father.

Draco was, as far as Severus knew, the youngest person to have ever taken the Dark Mark. He never wanted to be there. He was there out of fear. His lip quivered and his hands shook throughout every meeting. Though his aunt had tried to tell Draco that he was honored with the task of killing Dumbledore, Severus, and Draco, knew it was no honor at all. Truthfully, it was a punishment. The young Malfoy was punished for his father's failures and was given an impossible task to further embarrass his father. The Dark Lord knew as well as anyone that Draco was not wired for murder. Draco lost weight, dropped out of school for a year, and struggled tremendously with how what he was doing lined up with the person he actually was. He had no real darkness or inclination toward the Dark Arts within his soul. He had been pampered and raised with an elitist attitude, but the boy wasn't evil. Arrogant, definitely, and a total bully at times, but not a typical villain. In the end, Draco saved Harry more directly than most people did. When Harry was captured and brought to Malfoy Manor, Draco did not identify him as Harry Potter, even though he knew quite well who it was before him. Draco had that opportunity to restore his family's name in the eyes of the Dark Lord and he chose silence. Despite his rivalry with Harry, he wanted no part in leading Potter to his death, and if that didn't show any redemptive qualities in his character, nothing would. He, much like Severus, at least tried to learn from his mistakes.

Now, as he watched the towheaded boy, he could see he walked in a more relaxed manner. Draco's hair was cut in a sort of fade-style, and the hair on top was longer than the rest of it. There were no styling products in his hair anymore, and he simply allowed it to fall loosely across his forehead. Even his hair had relaxed. He had gained some of the weight he'd lost back, and he seemed delighted to be given the opportunity to prove himself in a way that had nothing to do with being a Death Eater. Lucius would be, no doubt, proud his son had been chosen as a champion, and absolutely delighted should he win. Much like Snape, the Malfoy's were lost in the new world, and they had many new opportunities before them. Hopefully, they would all make the right choices.

As they stood in Minerva's office, she informed the House Heads and champions of the rules. Severus cared little for the rules as he knew he would be bending them entirely to aid Hermione and her teammates in their endeavors, just as every other professor in the room would be doing. Except, perhaps, Minerva herself. When Minerva was finished, the teams were allowed to meet with their professors. As the Defense Classroom was the closest classroom, the Hogwarts champions and professors elected to meet there.

Once the door was closed, Hermione bravely slid one arm around Severus' waist. He stiffened at the touch, as he clearly hadn't expected it, and looked down at her. He blushed when he saw her smiling up at him. "I did it, Severus! We did it! We're Tri-Wizard Champions!"

"Indeed you are," He inclined his head to her and stroked a hand over her back. She stood in front of his right side and she was surprised when he kept rubbing his thumb up and down her spine. He didn't outwardly even seem to notice he was doing it. He did, inwardly, know full well he was touching her, but he found himself incapable of resisting her at the moment.

Remus spoke first. "We do not yet know of the task, but we know they will be team oriented, obviously, and will play to the strengths of the houses and the champions. You must be fully aware of your strengths and your weaknesses in each of these tasks."

Pomona spoke next. "Technically, we are not supposed to help you, but this tournament is wrought with cheating far worse than this, and it's become sort of a tradition. Merlin only knows I wouldn't help if it weren't."

Severus rolled his eyes. _Hufflepuffs._ Flitwick eyed the group and spoke. "I do not know what kind of real challenge this tournament can hold for the four of you when you've just fought in an actual life or death war. There, you've an advantage over the other schools. Very few of the other schools had participants in the war, and I do not recognize any of the names drawn to be any such veteran."

The four students looked toward Severus. He hadn't planned anything to say. What was there for him to advise them at this stage? "This will be much like war. The other schools will try to divide you, to come between you as teammates. I will work with you closely. We will discover your strengths and weaknesses. You must bond with each other, be loyal to each other, because when they come for any of you, try to isolate you, it will be difficult. For some, more so than others." He looked at Draco, who nodded in understanding. "Do what is necessary."

"Do what is wise," Flitwick nodded.

"Do what is kind," Pomona said.

"Do what is right," Remus said with finality.

 _'Great teams do not hold back with one another. They are unafraid to air their dirty laundry. They admit their mistakes, their weaknesses, and their concerns without fear of reprisal.' ~ The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable_


	85. Chapter 85

"Severus, would you care for some tea?" Minerva asked, and when he inclined his head, she poured him a cup and slid it across her desk as he sat in the chair across from him. He crossed one leg over the other and sipped his tea. His dark hair fell in curtains around his face and he appeared... nervous, which was unsettling for Minerva.

"What can I do for you, lad?"

His black eyes flicked up to her face and then returned to his teacup. "Do you have friends at St. Mungo's?"

She narrowed her blue eyes and stared at him for a long moment. "Yes, of course. How on Earth do you think Poppy and I were able to have you admitted there when the rest of the world thought you just a Death Eater, and Dumbledore's murderer no less."

"I had thought as much," He said as he set the teacup back onto the saucer. "I would like access to Gilderoy Lockhart."

"What on Earth for?" She sputtered.

"I have a theory..." He said quietly. "If I use Legilimency on him and show him one of my own memories of him, or many of my memories of him, then perhaps he will regain some knowledge of his own identity. It is my hope, that one memory will serve as the first domino to fall into a line of many."

Minerva was stiff in her chair, and she was eyeing Severus intensely. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "You want me to get you access to a patient in the Janus Thickey Ward, Gilderoy Lockhart no less, so that you can experiment with his memories."

Severus shrugged. "Yes."

"And if it doesn't work?"

Severus frowned and spoke quietly. "It would make no difference to Lockhart then, would it? If it works, then he regains some sense of his identity."

"You do not care about the damage it could do? For him to discover he was a fraud? He's already looney... I'd imagine that bit of information would be detrimental to his mental stability."

Severus gritted his teeth. "I care about restoring Hermione's parents' memories."

"Then why not try this on them?" Minerva asked pointedly. Severus glared at her, and Minerva spoke again. "I thought as much. You're willing to risk Lockhart's mental stability."

Severus' glare intensified. "Regaining his memory should be the desired outcome for him, yes?"

"I suppose," Minerva conceded.

"And if this helps, and I see that I could help her parents... Two birds, one stone..." Severus leaned back into his seat.

"You don't think he's better off being unaware of his fall from grace? Being unaware of all the public uproar and backlash? I don't care much for him, he's a peacock of a man, but do you really think it's better for him to live with all of that shame?"

"I have to live with mine," Severus said. His face darkened considerably. He looked away from Minerva toward the window, and she could see his jaw muscle jumping.

"I'm sorry, Severus. I didn't mean..." His eyes shot back to hers so quickly that she flinched.

"We all have our crosses to bear, Minerva - memory issues or not," Severus snapped. He knew full well that Minerva's father had been a reverend, so she understood that particular phrase. "Regardless, I do not have a personal vendetta against Gilderoy. He, quite simply, is just a convenient test subject. He's useful. I'd have no interest otherwise."

Minerva's lips drew together in a thin line, and Severus held her gaze steadily. His Slytherin determination was on full display, and Minerva's calculating blue eyes moved over his face. After about a minute, she sighed. "You need a haircut, Severus. I am more than capable. I used to cut my husband's for years."

His eye twitched and the dark irises flickered with wariness. "You are deflecting. I do not need mothered."

"You allow me to cut your hair, you take your health more seriously, and I will see what I can do about getting access to Lockhart. He will have to sign permission, so it might take time for the Healers to be confident that he's actually aware of what he'd be signing."

Severus' black eyes burned into her blue ones, and he bared his teeth for a moment. Then, he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly through his nose. _Hermione. Think of Hermione._ "Fine."

"Lovely," Minerva said and stood. She moved around the desk and removed her wand from her robes.

"Fucking hell, woman. Right now?" Severus turned away from her as far as he could.

"It's as good a time as any," She shrugged. "I've been wanting to do this for ages, my boy. Your hair is _too_ long. It wasn't even this long when you were a student."

Severus grunted in response as she dragged her wand across his cheeks and jaw. Her magic left him clean shaven. He flinched when she touched his hair with her hand. "Not too short," He grunted.

"You mustn't look so unhappy."

"I'm not sure why you insist on mothering me. If my experiences with own mother didn't show me otherwise, I would swear it could be no coincidence that the word _mother_ is in _smother._ " He sensed her stiffen at his words and he looked backward at her. She was staring at her hands pensively, and she looked quite pale and serious. "Minerva?"

She looked at him quickly and shook her head furiously. Her green blue eyes were full of tears. "It's nothing."

He narrowed his eyes. "Don't be daft. You will tell me what I've done to upset you. You cannot possibly cut my hair through all of those tears."

She gave him a small smile. "It would've been an honor, Severus."

"What would have been an honor?"

"To be your mother. I... We had three miscarriages. We stopped trying after the third, and my husband died shortly thereafter."

Severus swallowed hard and stared at her. He felt guilty and quite sad. "I apologize. I had no idea."

"Oh, Severus," She scoffed and wiped at her eyes. "Just indulge my _smothering,_ will you?"

His dark eyes glittered with emotions before he nodded. "Of course."

She smiled and gestured for him to turn around in the chair. After a few minutes of silence that was broken only by magical snipping, he spoke again. "Your pregnancies were troubled?"

"I was older. Too old. My magical core was not accommodating to any infant magical core."

Severus did not say anything else. Truthfully, he had no real knowledge of magical pregnancies. He'd never needed to know anything about them in any way. Mostly, he felt badly that he seemed to know so little about what truly made Minerva tick, though she didn't know everything about him she at least knew more than he did. Relationships required too much trust, but Severus knew he could trust Minerva McGonagall. He resolved to play chess with her more frequently, even though he hated losing. They both mutually needed friendship and he, at least, owed her that. She had shown him what it meant to have a friend, to be a friend.

 _"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter." ~ The Rescue_


	86. Chapter 86

Severus, after hearing a knock at his door, opened it to find Harry Potter. His hair was exceptionally messy and his eyes were downcast. "Sir, I just..."

Severus gritted his teeth. "I have very little time, Potter. I must meet with the Hogwarts Tri-Wizard Champions."

"I know. I know. Hermione told me, but I just couldn't continue the... silence, where I hadn't apologized... I am sorry about what I did, where I went..."

"Do you have any idea the danger you put yourself in? You may not be the biggest target currently, but you are _still_ The Chosen One," Severus said venomously. "And you certainly made sure you dragged two of the biggest targets out to find you."

Harry looked completely ashamed and Severus' anger deflated a bit. "I'm sorry, Severus."

"Do you know what being there did to me?" Severus asked softly. It was a rare moment of transparency from Snape that completely threw Harry. "All those years ago, and the other night?"

"I knew you'd come, but I didn't... Think."

"Imagine my surprise," Severus seethed.

"I feel horrible," Harry grimaced. Severus looked at the boy before him and realized the young man was giving him exactly what had been denied to him so many times in his life - a heartfelt apology, a recognition of the impact of things on Severus, and an acceptance of his anger.

"As you should. Lupin did not fare well returning there either. Your mother and father were two of his best friends. The werewolf endured torture he hasn't even begun to discuss with us, his wife was murdered, and then he had to return to the site where he lost two of the few people who truly accepted him. You knew Lupin would come. You knew I would come. The last two people who should return to that house... Yet, you still chose to go," Severus said as he stared at the jet black hair on the top of Harry's head. Why he was defending Lupin, or being remotely emotionally available to the boy, was beyond Severus, but he chose to invest very little energy in psychoanalyzing his behavior at the moment.

Harry looked up into Severus' face. Those emerald green eyes looked onto Snape's obsidian orbs. The effect was as it always was. Severus was disarmed. The first time Severus had seen Harry at his Sorting Ceremony years before, his heart had clenched in his chest so hard that it felt like he'd been kicked square in the chest by a centaur. As he looked at the boy now, he found that he was still out off balance meeting his eyes so intensely, seeing them on a face that so closely resembled James Potter's. And yet, at the same time, he found himself more capable of handling the emotional curveball that was meeting Harry's gaze. For so long, Severus had focused on James' features in Harry, allowing the resemblance to fuel his hatred and repress his grief. Now, the boy knew the best and worst of him, and he could no longer lean on his bitterness to survive interactions with Harry.

Harry studied Severus as intensely as Severus studied him. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and broken. "I feel so lost." His breath hitched and he blinked rapidly to try to stop the tears. _Bloody hell._

Severus put his hands on the sides of Harry's neck firmly and forced the boy to meet his eyes again. _Oh, Lily._ Severus was made acutely aware of how far he'd come as a man when he felt the intensity of the empathy that washed over him as he looked into Harry Potter's tear filled eyes."How could you not? For so many years, you served as a wizarding messiah. Now, with that particular aspect of your destiny fulfilled, you find yourself searching for purpose. You were the messiah. I was the pariah. Neither of us truly expected to make it to the other side of this war. Despite how it feels, because you don't have a meddlesome old man pulling your strings or a wizard Hitler hunting you, you do still have purpose."

"He never cared about me, did he?"

"Dumbledore?" Harry nodded. "I believe that he did care for you as much as he was capable of caring about anyone."

"Did he care about you?"

"Harry..." Severus sighed and bowed his head. "Dumbledore did what he felt he had to do to win the war. The position that he was in, being a commander or general of sorts, he as required to make choices that were... That made people... Thay made it feel like we were expendable."

Harry whimpered and dropped his chin to his chest. "I think about how I should have died all the time. And I shouldn't. Ginny loves me. I love her more than anything. I just don't feel like I fit anywhere anymore. I feel like this world keeps turning, but I don't turn with it. I know this is the last thing you want to be doing with me, talking to me like this..."

"Look at me, boy," Severus growled and bent to see Harry's face. Harry raised his eyes to meet Severus'. "I am with you, Harry Potter. I have walked through Hell ten times over for you, boy, and you will live. You must live. I am with you. Now, and always."

Harry brought his hands to his face and was unable to contain his sobs any longer. Snape grimaced and struggled to wall off his own emotions as he stared at the ceiling. He allowed Harry's forehead to rest against his sternum and he found himself just barely cradling the back of the younger man's head as he cried. As much as Severus had suffered, Harry had been, truthfully, raised like a pig for slaughter. That war, the downfall of Voldemort, had been the only purpose for his life he'd been allowed to envision or strive toward since he was 11. The suffering of Potter had been lost on Severus, and his bitterness toward the boy for being the "Chosen One" had drowned out any and all empathy and sympathy. No longer was that the case.

Potter pulled away abruptly and apologized profusely as he wiped at his eyes. Snape stood stiffly across from him. "I must take my leave."

Harry nodded and avoided Severus eyes. Severus, of course, felt just as awkward and uncomfortable, but hid it better. "Are you well enough to be left, or would you like to accompany me?"

The boy glanced at him, "Am I allowed to go with you?"

"As a former champion, yes," Severus said coolly.

"Oh. Yeah. Let's go, then," Harry shrugged and wiped his nose. Severus looked him over briefly, and Harry spoke again. "Thank you. And I'm sorry. Again."

Severus nodded once sharply, and opened the door to the corridor. He had shed his outer robes and wore his usual frock coat. His slender legs took long strides and Harry followed closely behind him. When they arrived at the Defense classroom, all eyes turned to them.

"My apologies for my tardiness. I found a stray champion," Severus said smoothly as he stepped aside and allowed Harry to stand next to Hermione. Hermione looked at Harry's face and her eyes moved quickly between Severus and Harry before Harry shook his head and mumbled something to her.

Hermione put an arm around his thin shoulders. "I'm glad you're here, Harry. We need all the help we can get."

Draco's pale eyes studied Potter and then he looked at Severus. When Severus shook his head nearly imperceptibly, Draco let it go.

"We are here to discuss strengths and weaknesses, yes?" Malfoy asked.

Lupin, who had been staring at Harry, draggedhis blue eyes to Malfoy. "Yes. And something else..."

"What's that?" Finch-Fletchley asked curiously. Luna's blue eyes, which had been focused somewhere above Pomona's head, moved to Lupin.

"Your first task..."

 _"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." ~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower_


	87. Chapter 87

"Your first task will divide all of you. The object will be to escape what is essentially a maze full of various types of challenges. You must work through through the challenges to reach your teammates. The school to work through the challenges and reunite all four teams the fastest will win the task," Remus paced slowly back and forth.

"The challenges will play on your individual weaknesses. For instance, Justin, you would say that you are noncompetitive in sports, yes? Despite having entered this tournament?"

"Oh, yes. Hermione asked me, and she's a good friend," Justin laughed. "I've never cared much for sport."

"While Justin does not view being noncompetitive as a weakness, the maze will. In order to overcome challenges, he will have to not only compete, but beat the maze at its own game. Perhaps Quidditch challenges?"

Justin groaned. "I'm going to lose the whole bloody thing for us, aren't I?"

"No," Draco and Harry said simultaneously. Draco looked at Harry, who nodded at him to continue. "We can help you fine tune things, practice scoring or playing Keeper."

Justin eyed Malfoy suspiciously, but nodded. "I'm not really brave either. I've done what I needed to do in that war, but I'm no Gryffindor." His eyes moved between Hermione and Harry. "I'll need help there too. They'll probably put me up against a bloody dementor."

"Probably, but you've already been able to perform a Patronus Charm, so you will do well. Think of it as necessity. We can still practice, of course," Hermione offered, and Justin smiled and appeared relieved.

Lupin agreed. "I will help you as I helped Harry." When the group offered up no other glaring weaknesses in Justin, they shifted positions from sitting at desks to conjuring more comfortable arrangements.

Severus and Remus conjured couched as Pomona brewed tea for the group. Hermione sat between Harry and Draco and jealousy burned in Severus' chest. He craved her proximity and her attention, but he rationalized that this was neither the time nor place. Just sat in between Draco and Luna.

"Luna," Filius started. "What would you say are your weaknesses, my dear?"

"Well, Professor, I find that I am quite intelligent and that I can accurately assess the trustworthiness of people around me, but I do have a tendency toward obliviousness. Especially of my physical surroundings."

Severus snorted, and Hermione glared at him. Luna said, "Don't be angry, Hermione. He's right to chuckle, and even I am amused and astounded by my own obliviousness at times, but Professor Snape knows deep down that he is living proof of what I've just said."

His black eyes narrowed and he fought the blush that colored his cheeks. _'I can accurately assess the trustworthiness of people around me.'_ He looked at Hermione, who had a smug smirk on her face. _Oh, yes, the lion is always victorious._

"Your challenges will probably be very tactile and require tremendous focus. Perhaps difficult Transfiguration requirements or physical endurance exercises," Flitwick mused. "Do you exercise often?"

"When my adventures demand it."

Severus rolled his eyes. "I have a feeling your adventures will be demanding it now."

Luna giggled and nodded. "I'm also not particularly popular. My dad says our social skills are diamonds in the rough." Her voice was always so light and airy.

There were smiles on every face but Severus'. Pomona said, "I'd imagine the maze will orchestrate some sort of social interaction challenge for you."

Remus spoke up. "We can give her mini challenges each day in various social settings. Pomona, I believe you are the most socially adept... Perhaps outside of Filius. Severus and I stand no real chance there." Severus grunted, but couldn't argue.

Luna nodded happily and the attention shifted to Draco, who frowned deeply. "I am generally a coward, and I tend to act without honor. I am easily manipulated." The room was painfully silent as the towheaded boy shifted in discomfort. "What? I am quite aware of my own flaws. I've done a lot of soul-searching over the past few months."

Severus looked at him carefully. He admired the boy's candor and introspection. "Your challenges will probably demand courage, perhaps a dementor as well, and one that will test your mental fortitude. I understand you cannot cast a Patronus, but I am sure Professor Flitwick would be happy to help there. I can assist you in constructing strong mental shields. I know you learned some Occulumency, but you will find certain aspects of it will leave you less vulnerable to any type of manipulation." Draco was enthusiastic about this preparation.

All eyes shifted to Hermione, who blushed, and then the eyes moved back and forth between her and Severus. Severus grew irritated with the attention. "I won't fall prey to this relationship trap."

Hermione smiled at him. She knew he was fully aware of any and all of her flaws, as she was of his, but she was grateful she had been right and that he had absolutely zero interest in addressing them in front of the group.

"I can be timid in dangerous situations. I think too much and don't act quickly enough," She admitted. _Too true._

"You doubt yourself a lot, and you're really insecure about your appearance as well. I've no idea why," Harry said and then blushed furiously and looked up to meet Snape's glittering black eyes. "Shit. He's going to kill me. I didn't mean..." Severus silenced him with the dangerous look in his eyes and Harry did everything possible to disappear.

"He's right. However awkwardly he said it," Hermione shrugged and laughed.

Snape's eyes didn't move from Harry for a moment, and then he took pity on the boy and looked toward Hermione, who raised an eyebrow at him in amusement. He felt her hum again for the first time in too many days.

 _You are mine._

 **Always.**

He relaxed visibly. Lupin spoke, "You will undoubtedly have a challenge that will require quick reactions. Probably a duel. Then, you'll face something that will prey on one of your abilities you doubt within yourself magically. You very much doubt your flying ability if I remember correctly, yes?" Hermione nodded emphatically and Remus said, "Probably a flying challenge then."

"Ugh," Hermione groaned. "I guess it's good I'm surrounded by Quidditch players?" She looked at Harry and Draco, who smirked at her.

Jealousy roared in Snape's chest again at the thought of her taking flying lessons from Malfoy and Potter, but Remus interrupted his thoughts. "I'm sure Severus can continue to fine tune your dueling, yes?"

"Of course," Severus said evenly. _Mine._

"I believe this is a good plan moving forward. We will need to set up times individually with each other to prepare, but that should be enough for this evening," Remus acknowledged. Severus' eyes moved between the four current Champions. They were going to win this. He could sense even at this early stage a bond that would not be severed. They seemed to sense it too because they appeared to relax even further in the presence of each other. Snape's dark eyes settled on his witch.

He felt both pride and a twinge of jealousy, but more than either of those, he felt grateful to have her as his partner. He moved his eyes away as he blushed. Her beauty, inside and out, and his love for her could be so overwhelming for him at times. _My champion._ He rose as the rest of the group began to disperse for the evening and focused his attention on the floor beneath his feet, watching Hermione out of the corner of his eye as she made no move toward the door. She was telling him that she wished to spend the remainder of the evening with him. How lucky was he?

" _He stepped down, trying not to look at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking." ~ Anna Karenina_


	88. Chapter 88

"Again!" Severus shouted as Hermione stumbled under a stinging jinx to her left foot. She growled loudly fired several stunning jinxes at him as she limped to negotiate her foot. Her near mastery of nonverbal magic was beyond her years.

Severus, during this training, found himself caught off balance by his witch more than once, but she had yet to truly land a spell on his body. His left shoulder ached, but more from extended magical exertion than physical stress. As graceful as Severus was, he was able to negotiate his ever-healing wound.

She had him in a retreating stance, one foot moving behind the other and then repeating that movement over and over as she advanced on him. Her magic sparked through her hair and it frizzed, which she hated. There was a fierce determination on her face and a thin layer of sweat across her forehead. He barely got up a shield charm as she threw another stunning jinx at him. And then it happened. She saw her advantage, and his vulnerability, while he had his right arm extended across his body, his left foot tangled up behind his right, his eyes on his wand, and she struck.

Red light burst from her wand and hit his right hand on the knuckles. His ebony wand was yanked from his hand and flew toward her. Catching his wand in her hand, she stared at it in disbelief. Her mouth hung open, and she dragged her eyes from his wand to him as he flicked his hair out of his face and looked at his empty right hand. She had taken advantage of his affection for her, his attraction to her ferocious tenacity, and she had bested him. Truly, it was a Slytherin move. She walked toward him quickly, gripping their wands in her right hand tightly. He regained some of the distance between them as he stood up straight and reached his full height.

She smirked at him and held out his wand to him. "I believe this belongs to you." He looked from her face to his wand, and he took it from her slowly. His wand stung him , angry it had been won from its master, ambut recognizing no true allegiance change as it was just formal dueling. He hissed at his wand's bite. That wand was as much of a sore loser as its master.

And then, suddenly, his mouth was on hers and she was pulling him down to the stage. He flicked his grumpy ebony wand toward the door and warded it shut wordlessly. His kiss was fierce and hungry on her mouth, and his tongue flicked at her top teeth. The hardness in his trousers pressed between her legs and she moaned. He moved his mouth to her neck and found that sweet spot at the corner of her jaw. Merlin, he loved the sounds she made for him. Nibbling at that sensitive skin, she yanked his hair and he growled loudly. Nobody had ever pulled his hair like that, including her until now, and, God, did it set him aflame. He snaked his right arm around her arched her back up into his body as she squirmed under him. He made short work of their clothing and gasped loudly at the skin-to-skin contact as her chest moved against his.

His fingers moved down her body to her sex and she purred as he touched her there. He knew all of the right pressures and movements to drive her mad with teasing, but he had no patience for it today. Today, Severus had lost to her in a duel, and now he wanted very much to win, to tear an orgasm from her body so that she was left trembling and twitching on his length. Delighted at how prepared she was for him already, he slid into her and allowed her a moment to adjust before thrusting. Resting on his stronger right elbow, his hair curtained around his face, and he pushed her right leg up under her knee with his left hand. _That_ was the angle of victory - his manhood hitting just the right place inside of her and his body grinding against her just so. She was loud today, and the noises she made were like a symphony to him. He grunted as she began to twitch under him, a sign he knew well.

"Yes, my witch. You are _mine_ ," He moaned in her ear lowly. His body and his voice combined had her crying out her release as her nails dragged down the pale and occasionally scarred skin on his back. Her orgasm pulled him over the edge with her, and he shuddered inside of her, burying his face in her tangled hair.

They lay there gasping and coming back down from pure ecstasy. As their breathing slowed, Severus tilted his head to see her clearly. "You beat me."

She giggled under him. "Is this what I get when I win?"

He shook his head once and smiled dangerously. His black eyes glittered. "I am not accustomed to losing. I must be victorious somehow."

"Always the Slytherin," She laughed as he pulled off of her. His retreat had her struggling to cover herself and he could see her self-consciousness once more. He grabbed her wrist as she moved to conceal her chest.

"No," He said firmly. He bent down again and kissed lightly across her chest and collarbone. "I have never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life, Hermione. Never. You are positively exquisite."

She relaxed under his soft kisses and words. He retreated once more and touched his wand to his body. His clothes reappeared on his body and then he touched his wand to her skin and her clothes did the same. She smiled up at him as he offered her his slender fingered hand and pulled them to their feet. He stooped and kissed her cheek as he wrapped his thin arms around her body. He ran his hand down her hair, and she reached up and tied her hair back into a messy bun.

"Love you, Sev," She said softly. He squeezed her tighter and she giggled against his chest. "I've really got to get to the quidditch pitch..." He groaned and released her, but offered his arm, which she took happily and leaned her head on his arm as he walked with her toward the quidditch pitch. Once there, he bent and kissed her cheek and she walked over to Harry and took the broom he held out to her.

Draco walked toward him holding his broomstick in his hand. His outfit looked quite like Severus' - a longsleeve white button down and black trousers. Draco's shirt was lazily half tucked into his slim-fitting trousers, whereas Severus' was tucked neatly into his pants and his waistband came up just slightly higher.

"Professor," Draco nodded.

Snape's dark eyes focused on Hermione as she mounted her broomstick and listened to Harry's instructions. "Mister Malfoy," He said coolly. "You are prepared for our lesson?"

"I believe so," Draco said, but he could not totally hide the nervousness in his tone.

Severus took his eyes off of Hermione's back and looked at Draco. "Very well." Snape turned in his heel and walked back toward the castle with Draco Malfoy following behind him.

Once in his office, Severus pulled out his Pensieve and began depositing memories he wished to keep private while Draco stared out of his window in silence. The young blonde haired man had suffered tremendously the past few years, and he became far more introverted than he ever had been. After about a minute or so, Severus gestured to the chair on the other side of his desk. Draco sat and Severus mirrored the action at his own seat behind his large and worn desk.

"What element do you use as your usual shield?"

"Water," Draco said. _Interesting. I use water as well._

"Show me," Severus said. "Legilimens," Snape entered Malfoy's mind and was met with a still creek in between two grassy banks.

As he stood and peered down into the water, he was impressed with the strength of this shield, but he recognized the immaturity and vulnerability of it as well. At first glance, it was impressive, and the scene was quiet and beautiful. Upon closer inspection, the quiet was vulnerable.

"Perhaps, you should move your creek a little more quickly. You are exposed," Severus' deep voice drawled on the bank next to the creek. He could see memories shimmering underneath the nearly unmoving water. Severus bent down and touched his fingers to the water. The water rippled briefly, Severus sensed panic, and then the memory began to show on the surface of the water.

 _"Why must we stay, mother?" Draco asked as he walked with her away from Azkaban Prison._

 _"He is your father, Draco."_

 _"He's locked away. He failed. He's put us in danger. He's the reason we're in any of this. You never wanted this. None of it!" Draco ran a shaky hand through his hair as she stopped moving._

 _Her coffee colored eyes stared straight ahead as a slight breeze blew through her hair. "He's made mistakes, Draco, but he is your father and he is my husband. I will not betray him."_

 _"He wouldn't do the same for you."_

 _"There is still hope for him. There has to be. We were so in love at one time. Somewhere... Somewhere, the man I fell in love with is still there... I have to believe that."_

 _Draco looked furious as his mother continued walking away from the dark prison. His pale eyes darted about the sky noting the dementors patrolling the borders. He walked after his mother with his head down._

Draco growled in his head at having his privacy invaded, and he shoved Severus roughly away from the creek.

"Move the water. The more visually stimulating your shield is, the better you will be able to master tiny upsets. You will find yourself capable of regaining control of your emotions, not being swayed in your control of yourself, without letting on to your mental assailant that there is any wavering in your consciousness."

Draco didn't respond in his mind, but Severus watched as the scene surrounding him began to change. A breeze began to blow across the scene, and the water began to move at a steady and yet still calm pace.

"You know what they will do to you, right? The other schools? These challenges?" Draco's shields didn't change or react, so Severus pressed harder. "They will try to isolate you, to break you off from your team, to tear you down individually. You would be weak divided."

The scene shifted a bit, the sky grayed momentarily, and then all was back as it had been. "They will call you all sorts of things. Liar," Severus said seriously. "Death Eater." The wind blew a bit harder, the creek flowed a little more rapidly, memories flashing in the splashed breaks in the water. "Coward," Severus whispered. The scene around him darkened, the water flowed erratically, and Severus could sense the panic in Draco's mind. He pulled out of Draco's head and stared into the angry pale eyes of the boy.

The pale eyes widened, and Draco dropped his head in defeat. "I let you shake me."

"Indeed."

"I am weak."

Severus shook his head. "You are human. Occulumency requires a mental discipline unlike anything else in the world."

"Can I see your shield?"

Severus locked eyes with the boy for a tense moment before nodding. "Very well."

Draco's wand appeared and was pointed between Severus' eyes. "Legilimens!"

Draco found himself standing on a seemingly endless beach. To his right, the beach went on and on into the horizon. To his left, the sand did the same. As he stepped in the sand toward the ocean, the wind and waves were rhythmic, and seemed to be controlled by his breathing. He stepped closer to the water. The waves hit his shoes. "It's beautiful," He whispered into Snape's consciousness. "You do not allow yourself to be shaken here?"

The steadiness of the scene around him intrigued Malfoy. "Might I try?" He heard Severus' deep and semi-daring chuckle off in the distance and it rolled off the waves like thunder. _Try me, boy._

"You are a Death Eater. A traitor," Draco observed the scene around him. Nothing changed. The waves continued to roll in sync with Snape's breathing. The temperature was warm and the breeze was thick and salty around him. "You're a traitor to both sides." Draco was growing frustrated, but he also knew Snape was not a man provoked by tendered insults.

"Go on, Draco. Why don't you actually attempt to rattle me? I can show you how I survived as a spy for those many years. Whatever you say, I won't think any less of you as I know you do not truly mean it. This is practice. Step to me, boy."

"You got your best friend killed," Draco said. He felt guilty and ashamed of himself for saying it, but the necessity of this lesson for Draco demanded that his attempts be more cruel. Draco had to see that it was possible to remain shielded even when the worst insults are hurled at you. In the distance, Draco swore he heard Snape's breathing quicken for a moment, but as he looked around, he saw no differences in what lay before him. The waves came in from the ocean to meet the beach just as they had been doing the entire time.

"You are a coward," Draco knew that to be one of Snape's biggest verbal triggers. He had seen terrifying emotional outbursts from the man in response to being called that before, but now, when prepared, the waves came cyclically, aligned to his light breathing, and Snape's shields didn't waver. In the water, even as Draco stepped into it up to his knees, Malfoy could not see any shimmering memories. The water he stood in was deep, dark, blue, and more importantly, it was opaque.

Draco looked out into the vastness of the ocean that stretched out before him, and he could think of only one final attempt to rattle this shield.

"Go on," Came Snape's smooth voice. It was a taunt. He knew what Draco would say, or what he would attempt to say.

"Potter's mother and Granger are nothing but filthy Mudbloods!" Draco said, and immediately closed his eyes tight. He had expected the full scale of Snape's wrath, to have a hurricane or tsunami swallow him where he stood, but as he listened to the scene around him desperately, he heard no change in Snape's breathing. The only thing that changed was that, off in the distance, Draco could now hear the faint sound of seagulls.

Severus pushed Draco out of his mind gently, and Malfoy met the dangerously glittering black eyes of Severus Snape. He had been rattled by Draco's words, anyone could see that now, but his shields had not changed, but for the sound of seagulls.

"I apologize, Professor. I did not mean..." Snape held up a pale hand and Draco stopped speaking. Severus looked at the desk between them, closed his eyes, and then opened them slowly. The rage and hurt was gone from his eyes, and Draco felt brave enough to ask questions. "Seagulls, sir?"

"The more in-tune the movements within your mental shield are with your body, like the waves of the ocean with my breaths, the stronger the shield. Controlling the physical is much like controlling the mental once you learn how connected the two are. When I became agitated at your words, the seagulls proved a believable and small addition. In reality, they were simply providing a distraction for me in my own head from my own agitation. You sensed no emotions, and my shield remained peaceful, unrevealing, and steady." _Nothing but filthy mudbloods. Coward. Responsible for her death._

Draco looked at the man's face. His black eyes were shielded now, and Draco frowned at that realization. He had unsettled Snape with his words, and the guilt and shame threatened to strangle him. "It wasn't true. What I said, Professor." The sheer power of the guilt Snape must feel still after all of these years, constantly, was nauseating to Draco, even though he had his own fair share of guilt.

"I told you to try it knowing well where you would go," Severus said evenly. "I am fine, Draco, but I believe this lesson will give you enough to ponder and practice until our next lesson."

Draco looked over the man's face once more, and then nodded and stood. "I apologize again, Professor. Have a good evening." The boy turned and walked from Snape's office without a backward glance.

Snape sat in the now empty office without moving for a long time. His breaths were deep and slow and even. Eventually, he stood and looked into his pensieve. He could see his memories swirling around the basin, and he sighed heavily before extracting the memories from the bowl and returning them to his head. He gripped the edges of the pensieve tightly and stared into the empty pensieve as he struggled to master his feelings of guilt. He whispered over and over, "I am free. I am forgiven. I am free..."

A young man, who had no ill intent toward Severus, had simply said the most obvious phrases and words to provoke Severus, and though his shields showed no sign of upset, the words had provoked Snape. It was disappointing to Snape that some words, some phrases, still held so much power over him, despite the forgiveness he had gained, despite the healing he had done. Being human was, truthfully, an undesirable affliction at times. The one thing Severus tried desperately to hide from everyone else, including himself, was that he cared. Merlin, he cared.Harry Potter had once screamed a phrase Severus had roared many years before at Albus Dumbledore. Dumbledore, reflecting on the similarities between the two conversations to Severus one evening, had told Harry the same thing he had told Severus.

" _I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I HAVE DONE ENOUGH! I DO NOT WANT TO DO_ _THIS ANYMORE! I - DON'T - WANT - TO - BE - HUMAN!" Snape remembered how the grief and anger tore from his chest as he screamed at his Headmaster. His magic crackled across his black robes as he stared into the unflinching and impassive face of Albus Dumbledore._

" _You do care. You care so much you feel you will bleed to death with the pain of it,"_ _~ Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_


	89. Chapter 89

As he stood in the Champion tent with the Hogwart's team, the House Heads, and a handful of closest friends or significant others, Severus could feel the nervous tension in the air. He had the option to have watched the other group conpete, but the champions did not, so Severus had elected to stay with Hermione. Minerva appeared and summoned the group.

"Say your goodbyes. The other two schools have completed the task," She said.

"And? How did they do?" Hermione asked eagerly.

"Well enough to compete," Minerva smiled. "But, they are not warriors. My team is one compromised of warriors from the four Houses of the finest school of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the word. I have no doubt of your success. Now, say your goodbyes. Friends, family, you may take your seats in the

assigned viewing box with the Hogwarts staff."

Hermione turned toward Severus and he gripped her hand tightly in his, turning her away from the crowd of people. His size, standing at 6'2", and his billowing cloak, shielded them from the rest of the people in the tent. His dark eyes filled with anxiety as he looked over her face.

"You won't let anything _too_ bad happen to me, will you?" She said with a half smile.

He grimaced. "Don't be absurd."

"I won't be able to hear you. The wards..." She trailed off. "You think we can do this?"

"Of course," His eyes locked into her eyes. "You rode a bloody dragon over London. Do try not to get yourself killed, Granger. I've grown rather fond of you."

She smiled, "I love you."

"I love you," He said and pulled her close for a moment and brushed his lips against her forehead. "Good luck, my witch." She smiled up at him and his heart leapt around wildly in his chest.

Hermione walked toward Minerva. Harry, Ginny, Lavender, and Ron intercepted her to say goodbye as Severus looked about the tent. Astoria had her forehead against Draco's. She placed her hands on his pale face and kissed his cheek before pulled away. Narcissa embraced her son, and Lucius eyed the affection warily. Draco looked at his father, who stiffened, and then walked toward McGonagall without a word or passing affection toward his dad.

Luna, whose equally blonde haired father was stroking her hair affectionately in an embrace, released her with a kiss to the top of her head. She kissed Neville on the cheek, who blushed furiously, and then she walked to join her teammates. She stopped briefly next to Harry and hugged him. Justin was hugged by his muggle parents and Severus was alarmed at just how much Justin looked like his father. Genetics were a fascinating and terrifying thing and Severus, glancing at Hermione, prayed to any and every higher being that any children they might have would look like her entirely.

Severus followed the group in silence toward the viewing box. He took a seat between Minerva and Harry, in front of Lucius, and behind Horace. He looked around the quidditch stadium and noticed that there was a large four sided JumboTron-esque screen hovering in the center of the stadium in the air. He looked at it with narrowed eyes and felt Minerva following his gaze.

"Ministry decided to make the tasks more viewer friendly," Minerva said with a shrug.

Severus looked down at the field and saw Hermione standing alone at a gate off to the right of the giant maze of rooms. Even from this distance, her beauty was disarming.

"As with the previous two teams, each champion will have a small camera that flies and follows them throughout each task," Came Kingsley's booming and amplified voice. "In this task, the champions will work their way through a series of challenges that are magically tailored to them as an individual. A champion will work to reunite with one other champion from their team, which teammate is unknown, and then the groups of two will work to reunite with the other pair. Champions, take your mark. Set. Begin!"

The screen before Severus split into four still very large screens and he could see each Champion clearly. Hermione entered the gate and walked into what looked like a very run down house. He cared little for what was going on with the other champions and focused only on Hermione. She was gripping her wand loosely in her right hand as she looked around. Severus narrowed his eyes and he could see that her jaw was clenched in preparation. The scene around Hermione shifted. The building fell away and she was standing in the open quidditch field. A broom appeared before her and a series of rings popped up around the pitch. _Too easy._

Hermione seemed to be thinking the same thing as she chewed on the inside of her cheek nervously. Resigning to the fact that she was up against the clock, and that whatever happened once she touched the broom would happen regardless, she grabbed the broom and mounted it. In a moment, a patch of black appeared next to her. The camera turned and revealed a pack of Doxies. Hermione threw a Knockback Jinx into the group of Doxies, pushed off the ground, and raced through the hoops. She was pursued by several of the Doxies, including the Doxie Queen, which was larger and more hairy than the rest.

Severus didn't realize he was gripping his knees so tightly until Harry leaned in and said, "Relax. She's doing amazing. Look at her go!"

Potter was right, as much as Severus hated to admit it. Hermione looked graceful and confident on a broom as she soared through the hoops, following whichever hoop lit up red next. He had only seen her fly solo a handful of times, but never like this. Hermione truly was a perfectionist. She casually threw Knockback Jinxes at pursuing Doxies, but the queen was closing in on her as she neared the final stretch of two hoops. She lowered her body toward the broom handle, making herself more aerodynamic, and raced through the final hoops just as the Doxie Queen latched onto her. Hermione crashed to the ground, rolling off of her broom, and wrestling with the Queen. Severus leaned forward anxiously in his seat and he tightened his grip on his own sleeve.

Her wand appeared in her hand from her sleeve as the Doxie chomped down on the meat of her thumb near her palm. She cried out as she hit the Queen point blank with a Knockback. She gripped her hand and stumbled into what appeared to be her next challenge. Once inside, the camera showed her face, which was pale and sweaty, and she looked nauseated. _The venom._ She looked around the room frantically before she glanced up at the camera. Hermione, kicking the door open and standing on the threshold, pointed her wand at the sky and said, "Accio Doxie Antidote!"

Severus relaxed and Harry chuckled, "Still stealing from you after all these years..."

Severus rolled his eyes, "Whatever I have in this world, it is hers too, Potter."

"Not yet," Harry raised his eyebrow and then gestured to his left ring finger. "Yours is as empty as mine!"

Snape ignored him and moved his eyes back to the screen to see Hermione swallowing the antidote. She walked back into the house and looked around her. Her wand touched her left hand and a bandage wrapped itself around her thumb and down her wrist. The scene began to shift, reading her, and Hermione was now standing in a long hallway of what looked like a rundown mansion.

A dueling decoy appeared and fired at her. Her shield was quick, her footwork graceful, and she was advancing on the target with fury. His witch in all of her glory - hair tangled, sweaty with _that_ look on her face. All her Gryffindor bravery focused on the defeat of this decoy.

Severus glanced at the other champions just as Justin shouted, "Expecto Patronum!" At a charging dementor. From his shield burst a large horse which kicked back onto its rear legs and held off the dementor easily. He looked to Lovegood's screen, where she was navigating her way through a ropes obstacle course. She was panting and sweaty, but doing well as far as Snape could tell. His eyes settled on Draco's screen, where the Slytherin was battling three dementors at once.

Draco was grimacing, trembling, but a look of fierce determination calmed his features suddenly, as if he knew his Head of House was watching him, and he yelled out, "Expecto Patronum!" His Patronus was not corporeal, but it didn't need to be. The shield it produced was strong enough to allow him to push the dementors back out of his way so he could reach the next room. He twisted the door handle and fell into a dark room just as Hermione fell into the same room but on the opposite end after defeating her dueling decoy. They rose quickly, wands pointed at each other, before they recognized their teammate. Instantly, they embraced in a one-armed hug quickly. _Mine._ Hermione was looking him over as he did the same to her.

"You alright?" He asked as he pushed his hair away from his face as he gestured to her bandaged hand.

"Doxie Queen bite," She shrugged. "I'm alright."

"Doxie Queen, eh? Bet you feel a bit nauseous."

"A bit, yeah," She laughed lightly.

Draco nodded and looked around the room. "Lumos Maxima!" Light burst from his wand and hung in the middle of the room. There was a large statue of an old woman with a staff standing in front of a door.

Malfoy and Granger approached the statue, which began speaking in the voice of a frail elderly woman, "To defeat an old woman, you must not use your physical strength. To defeat an old woman, you must use logic and wit. A series of puzzles if you will."

"Go on," Said Draco.

"You can hear me and control me, but you can never touch me or see me. What am I?"

"Your voice," Hermione said immediately. Draco looked at her, clearly impressed, before she said, "Next."

"For the boy: The more there is, the less you see. What am I?"

Draco contemplated for a moment, and then spoke confidently, "Darkness."

"Very good, young man," The statue spoke.

"This is too easy, Draco," Hermione said warily.

Suddenly, Draco looked around the room frantically when he heard a faint rustling. From the shadows, Draco was grabbed by his ankles and pulled into the corner of the room.

Hermione immediately tried to rush to his aid. The statue's staff struck her, keeping her where she stood.

"The only way out is through me. Will you crumple and let your friend suffer, or are you sharp enough to keep your wits under pressure?"

Hermione glared at the statue, but her attention snapped to Draco as he let out a blood curdling scream. A glass wall had appeared that separated the two. Hermione kicked against the wall before the staff hit her again, but it made no sound. Draco could neither hear nor see Hermione anymore. Hermione looked toward the corner where Draco was crawling away from and, to her horror, and the horror of everyone in the stadium, Lord Voldemort stepped out from the shadows. The instant fear swept across the pitch.

"Draco!!! It's not real!" Hermione shouted.

Severus sucked in a massive breath and Lucius and Narcissa stood up behind him. Rage crackled across Snape's skin.

"A boggart?!" Snape yelled at Minerva, looking for the right person to blame. "A fucking boggart?! For war veterans?!" Minerva looked as furious as Snape, and he turned his attention to the pitch where Kingsley Shacklebolt stood yelling at two of his Aurors. Severus moved down through the viewing box.

The statue spoke and Snape stopped momentarily, "I can only live in light, but die if the light shines on me. What am I?"

He continued his trek down the stadium followed by an angry mob. Hermione grimaced as she listened to Draco's pleading cries. "A shadow!"

"Good girl. Such a loyal friend," the statue cooed. "Will he do the same for you?"

Severus froze and his dark eyes looked to the screen. Fear clutched at his heart. He saw Hermione being yanked by an unseen force to the ground. The pitch was deathly quiet except for Hermione's frantic breaths. Then, he heard it. A soft, broken voice. _His_ voice.

"Hermione..."

Her head snapped toward the sound in the corner away from her, "Lumos!"

There _he_ was. Her boggart had taken the shape of Severus, on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, bleeding out before her. He was choking on and spitting out his own blood. This Snape was dying, and she was helpless. She crawled to him. "Severus!" Her voice was so broken and fearful. All logical reasoning thrown to the wind at seeing her lover dying before her eyes. Again. This time with no way to help him.

"No!" Snape bellowed in fury. He disappeared in a cloud of black smoke, a trick learned from his Dark master years before, and reappeared on the pitch. He closed in on Kingsley in a flurry of smoke and black robes. Kingsley held up his hands. "Did you know?" Snape growled as he gripped fists full of purple robe.

"I didn't make the maze!" He said and glared angrily at the Aurors to his right. "THEY did!"

One Auror spoke up, "It's the maze! It picks the challenges based on the individuals! I didn't know! I was told the tasks would be the same! All of the schools had boggarts! None of them did that! I thought..."

"THEY DON'T HAVE THE SAME KIND OF TRAUMA! ARE YOU STUPID?!"

"I DIDN'T KNOW!" The first Auror growled. The other Auror said nothing and remained strangely quiet. Four Aurors approached the two Kingsley was arguing with, and flanked the Aurors that were to be questioned.

The statue spoke again, which drew Severus' eye, this time to Draco, "What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead?"

Hermione screamed again. The boggart-Snape gurgled incoherently and clutched desperately at her robes. Potter and Weasley were beating on the gates to the maze.

"Let me in!" Snape demanded angrily. He drew his wand. The Aurors behind Kingsley had their wands drawn on Severus in an instant. "LET ME IN!"

"A snowflake!" Draco yelled. The boggart-Snape disappeared. Luna and Justin rushed into the room where Draco and Hermione were. Hermione was collapsed in a heap and Draco crawled to her. The Hogwarts fight song began playing rather pathetically and halfheartedly, whispers filled the stadium. Severus released Kingsley and sprinted toward the champions and was followed closely

Hermione's sobs tore through Severus as he kneeled next to her. "Hermione..." He said softly.

She looked up at him with wide tear filled eyes. "Sev..." She looked at the floor. "A boggart... I am a fool. Even after I saw Draco's..."

He pulled her into his chest, covered her protectively with his robes. Surveying the scene, he found that the champions of the other schools and their professors were silent and grim around Shacklebolt. Narcissa and Astoria were hugging Draco tightly. Justin's parents had their arms around him, and Luna's father was stroking her hair again. He looked toward the approaching Kingsley, who was being shouted by all of the House Heads except for Severus, Minerva, and an exceptionally angry and red-faced Lucius Malfoy.

Draco looked up and saw his father, a father furiously defending his only son - quite loudly, and his mouth dropped open slightly. Lucius caught sight of Draco and grew silent and awkwardly flattened out his vest. Moving between the two women, Draco crushed himself into his father's chest and cried. Lucius gripped his son tightly and stroked the back of his head. "I am so sorry, my son. So sorry. I have failed you so many times."

Though Hermione's trembling body against his told him this task had done far more damage than anyone could presently comprehend, he was glad that at least Draco knew now that his father, however flawed and ridiculously stupid a man he was, did, in fact, love him. Despite the fact he was absolutely awful at showing it.

Hermione whimpered into his clothes and he snarled at Kingsley, "We will discuss this in the Headmistress' office, I think?" Kingsley nodded in agreement and dragged the Aurors along with him.

"Come. I have plenty of Calming Draughts in my stores. We will go there first," He nodded at the champions' families around him and they followed him as they comforted their friends and family.

"I thought it was you," She whispered tearfully. "It _was_ you."

"I'm right here, love," He said lowly into her hair. "I'm right here."

 _"Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime." ~ Ernest Hemingway: A Literary Reference_


	90. Chapter 90

Once in his sitting room, he quickly summoned more than enough Calming Draughts for everyone and allowed anyone to take one. Horace stood ready to summon his own stores should anyone need more.

"Hermione," He said in a low voice meant only for her ears. "Drink this."

"I thought it was you. I thought you were there. Again," Her voice was broken and breathy. The shock was setting in and her features glazed over. He tilted the vial against her lips and she, trusting as she was, swallowed blindly. In a moment, she began to calm and relax a bit, though she was still quite traumatized.

"I am right here. Alive and well. Thanks very much to you," He said quietly. He was not a demonstrative man, nor was he much good at comfort, but dammit if he didn't try for her. He stood very close to her, resting one hand on her lower back as she turned her body in toward him.

Horace watched the pair carefully. He had never seen Severus so infatuated, not even with Lily. As he looked at the man the scrawny and malnourished boy had grown to be, he couldn't help but feel an odd sense of pride. For all intents and purposes, Severus Snape should have grown to be exactly what the world thought he had always been - a murderering and traitorous Death Eater. He had been abused and neglected by his parents, he was bullied throughout his youth, he was from a low income household, his father was an addict, and his only _good_ friendship was severed beyond repair.

It was so easy to see the darkness in Severus. It had been easier to see it in him when he was a boy. The man had learned the art of self control and of restraint, but Horace was still a Slytherin and was much more observation than the average person. As a boy, much like the man he'd grown to be, he was envious, possessive, obsessive, a perfectionist. More than that, deeply rooted within his very soul was a brokenness so terribly painful that it made him bitter. The dark was easy to see inside of him. His tongue was sharp, and his cruel sarcasm cut deep. His dark eyes could glitter so dangerously, and his temper was feared by students and staff alike. He was powerful, and that power was darkly seductive. It's what made him such a good spy to begin with. Despite the fact that Severus found himself generally repulsive, other people did not. Truthfully, he was probably the singularly most powerful wizard in good health. Severus' shoulder length wavy black hair, his dark eyebrows, and his black clothing made him an easy villain. He looked the part. But his outfit did more than cast him the villain. The outfit was a physical representation of the tight restraints and confines Severus had exercised and shown throughout his adult life. It subtly showed the man beneath, if anyone cared to look.

But no. No. Horace knew well the art of subtly, and Severus Snape was a fascinating subject. His darkness was easy to see, but his light? His light was so subtle yet so tremendously overwhelming. Severus was unfailingly loyal. As he stood next to his lover, it was muted, but Severus was totally and completely head over heels for that young witch next to him. His body turned slightly to her, and his hand lightly resting on her back, with attention focused solely on her despite the room full of people. She was his priority. Severus was incredibly intelligent and witty. His humor was dry, and often sarcastic, but he was quite funny when he desired to be so. Severus worked tirelessly on potions for the hospital wing, even though it was Horace's job, Snape never left the task completely up to Horace and often doubled Horace's own production. If staff members needed potions for themselves or for family members, Severus always brewed the potions himself and always brewed them to perfection.

Now, as Horace watched the man he had known for so many years, he knew why he felt proud. Severus Snape had done the most Slytherin thing ever. He'd defeated not just one master, but two. Severus had won. He'd lived, and now he was _truly_ living. And he'd done it in Slytherin fashion - his own way, and only his own way. He'd changed in many ways as well - all of them positive. Though Severus had felt terribly exposed in the immediate aftermath of the war, and still did at times, he no longer had to live a lie. He was free. Snape was aware that Horace was watching him, and he had glared at Horace several times for his invasion of privacy, but Horace couldn't help but study the enigma that was Severus Snape.

Minerva spoke out of Snape's Floo, "Severus, we are ready when you are."

Snape's black eyes scanned the occupants in his quarters. For the first time, he realized how many people he'd let into his rooms. Severus was an incredibly private person and now, fully aware of how many people were standing in his private rooms, he wanted them all to leave. "We are ready, I presume?" He said in his professorial voice.

When no one objected, he gestured to the fireplace, where people began filing in by twos and Flooing to McGonagall's office. Finally, just he and Hermione were left. She gripped his hand tighter when he stepped toward the fireplace.

When he turned back to look at her, she was fighting tears again, and biting her bottom lip. "Hermione, we must do this."

"I can't, Severus."

He stepped closer to her. "My dear Gryffindor, do not let them see you shaken. You are a war veteran. You are Hermione Granger. You are a lioness. Courageous beyond measure. Selfless. Proud."

Her whiskey colored eyes looked up into his face to see a look of pure unadulterated affection. He had dropped all of his shields to give her total access to his emotions. His eyes were swimming with love and a desire to comfort her. She closed her eyes and stepped closer to him as he wrapped his thin arms around her. He smelled as he always did - of mahogany and teakwood. Severus knew just what she needed to hear. She pulled away and looked at his softened eyes. "Okay. Let's go."

He inclined his head and outstretched his right arm toward the hearth. "After you, my lady," He said coolly. She stepped into the fireplace and he stooped to do the same. They reappeared in Minerva's crowded office and he allowed Hermione to step out from the soot first. She brushed off the door from her dirty long sleeved Gryffindor shirt. "Granger" was embroidered on the back in Gryffindor gold, and the shirt was alternating black and red. A black sleeve, a red side, a black side, and a red sleeve. The Hogwarts crest sat on her left upper chest. As he dusted himself off, he found himself staring at the last name on her shirt. _That_ would be the only thing he would change about her - her last name. Should she desire to do that. He had no qualms if his witch desired to keep her own name, or to hyphenate hers and his, but the idea of "Snape" stitched across that shirt was enticing. But, then, he realized it'd be his name on a Gryffindor shirt and he quickly banished the thought from his mind. _No thank you._

"I have spoken with the the other schools, and both are happy to extend the time between this task and the next to allow recovery for our champions," Minerva said as she eyed Karkaroff.

Snape's eyes followed hers and settled on Karkaroff's scowling and angular face. Severus said, "Both schools?" Igor's eyes snapped to Snape's.

Minerva huffed, "Well, one more than the other."

Snape sneered, "Something to say, Igor?" He stepped protectively in front of Hermione, and the people around him instinctively backed away from the darkly clothed wizard. Karkaroff was a tall man, standing 6'5", but he shifted in discomfort as the shorter Snape approached him slowly.

"There's no reason to extend the time between tasks. We have a schedule."

"Oh, it is easy for someone as cowardly as yourself, who hid instead of fighting, to say such a thing," Severus seethed.

Igor tended briefly before shrinking in on himself as Snape cocked his head to one side and stared at him, daring him to comment.

"Severus, that's enough," Minerva said firmly. "We will extend the timeframe." Severus shot daggers at Karkaroff before retreating back to Hermione's side. "Now, I must dismiss family, the champion's, and friends. I must speak with my staff, and our visiting professors."

Severus' eyes shot to Minerva. She rarely called unannounced staff meetings and a feeling of dread filled Severus' stomach. Hermione felt Severus bristle behind her and stiffened in response. She turned to look at him, but he was looking at Harry and Ron.

"C'mon, 'Mione," Ron said as he stepped forward.

She looked at Severus, who said lowly, "Wait for me in my quarters. Whatever it is, I will tell you." She nodded and reached for Ginny's hand, who held onto Hermione tightly as they began disappearing into the Floo.

Minerva summoned her staff, and began to lead those in her office to the staff lounge. Severus' black robes billowed behind him as he walked next to Minerva. Filius was stony faced, Lupin's eyes were yellow, and Pomona looked positively furious. Once they entered the staff lounge, Minerva expanded the room and she and Filius conjured another long table and more seating. Severus sat in between Horace and Remus and looked impatiently at Minerva. An anxious and tense silence fell over the professors.

"Now that we have you all here, the Minister and I have some information to share..."

Kingsley, standing tall next to the Headmistress, spoke in his deep voice, "The events that transpired today during the first task are deeply disturbing. Moreover, we believe this to have been an orchestrated attack."

The murmurs began across the staff lounge. Severus felt himself losing all color. His stomach twisted incessantly, and his hands began to shake and he clutched at his robes to try and lessen the tremors. Stress always made them worse. Remus noticed Snape's distress and reached subtly under the table to gripped Severus' left arm briefly before returning his hands to his own lap.

"We believe that the boggart was used intentionally. It would arouse no suspicion. When the champions from the other two schools competed and faced the boggart, there was no real danger - clowns, spiders. When our champions, who are real war veterans with real war trauma, faced the boggart, it was much more sinister. The Auror in question is currently being interrogated and we are awaiting the effects of a Polyjuice potion to wear off. Security will be tightened even further and we will be conducting interviews with each and every staff member. The questions will be private and will be used only in a situations which call go a verification of identity."

Severus ground his molars. _More questions._ Horace felt his former student's discomfort. "Surely that cannot be necessary for all of us?" Horaceasked indignantly.

"The only staff member exempt from this interrogation is Severus Snape, but even he will have to answer a few business questions," Kingsley's eyes moved from Horace to Snape, who was focused intently on the table before him.

"You are kidding! You must be. The only man not to be interrogated is an actual Death Eater?" An ugly woman with a square jaw said. She was one of Karkaroff's professors. Severus' jaw twitched. _Ugly wench._

"Severus Snape's loyalty has already been established," Kingsley said. There was a real warning in his voice, but the ugly with paid no mind.

"We should have not come. I told you, Igor, they have problems here. Backwards priorities. They trust Death Eaters, and they don't trust us."

When Severus spoke, his voice was low, and soft, but possessed a wrath and bitterness few had ever seen before. "I truly hope that you are not as stupid as you sound," Severus said as he rose from his seat. "The man next to you was a Death Eater, and he was, by far, the worst kind. Did you know that?"

She, apparently, did not. She looked young, but Severus didn't believe she was _that_ young. Perhaps he had lied to his staff. Her eyes went wide as she looked at her High Master. "No... You said..." Karkaroff was shaking his head to silence her.

"Show them your arm, Igor. Show them what our master gave us," Snape's teeth were bared.

"Severus..." Lupin had stood up next to Severus.

"Show them. Or are you too cowardly? That would be fitting, wouldn't it?" Severus laughed darkly. "You know these attacks... The danger... They're after you too, Igor."

Igor's face lost what little color it had left, and the female professor next to him stepped away from him with a look of horror on her face.

"May I go now, Headmistress?" Severus asked. He kept his glittering black eyes on the cowardly Karkaroff.

"Yes, we will speak later, Severus," She said in a tired voice.

Severus swept from the room gracefully in a swirl of black robes, and he walked quickly to his quarters. The attacks were underhanded, but to mount a mental attack at Hogwarts was bold. The power of Umbridge's group was growing, and Severus was sickened at the thought. Severus knew that he was the more wanted and more valuable target to Umbridge because of her association with Greyback and Yaxley. There was nothing he wouldn't do to keep Hermione safe from harm. Severus Snape would throw himself before Dolores Umbridge if it came to that.

 _"'I'd rather spend the rest of my life without ever seeing you again,' he says, 'than watch them destroy you because of me.'" ~ The Lost Girl_


	91. Chapter 91

As the weeks passed, Hermione returned to state of relative calm as the Hogwarts champions prepared for their next task. Her classwork and the competitor in her kept her focused, which allowed her mental state to find its inner peace.

Severus, on the other hand, found no inner peace. He was, however, quite good at hiding this from Hermione this time around. He knew that a confrontation with Yaxley, and Umbridge, was inevitable. They had the resources and the nerve to mount an attack on Hogwarts property. They would, in time, grow impatient. As Severus sat at his desk in his classroom, he knew that he would have to communicate his willingness to "come quietly" if everyone else, especially Hermione, was left well enough alone.

He also knew that, should things go south, he should have certain affairs in order, both personal and outside of himself. Minerva had summoned him to her office that Friday afternoon so he knew she must have word from St. Mungo's about Lockhart. When he arrived at her office and sat, she poured them both a cup of tea, but Severus did not drink it.

"I've heard from St. Mungo's," She eyed him carefully. Her face scanned his body quickly. Her eyes narrowed as she looked him over. "Gilderoy has signed the necessary paperwork. You may see him at any time, so long as I accompany you."

"I need a chaperone?" Severus' eyebrow nearly hit the ceiling.

"I'd like to see this for myself."

"You're lying to me."

"Not entirely."

Severus scowled and looked away from her angrily. She spoke again. "Severus, certainly fear of or apprehension toward you was a reaction you anticipated?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sat very still for a moment. "Can we just go?"

"Now?"

"The sooner, the better."

"Well... I..." His black eyes snapped up to her face and she faltered briefly. "Very well."

They took the Floo from her office into St. Mungo's. The Headmistress led him through the hospital. The smell of the overly clean building made him nauseous. It brought up many painful memories. He walked with his eyes focused on the floor behind Minerva. Severus could feel eyes on him. Had he anticipated this? He had not anticipated surviving. They arrived at the Janus Thickey ward quickly and Minerva signed them in at the visitor desk.

"Which witch or wizard are you seeing this afternoon?"

"Gilderoy Lockhart."

Within a moment, a mediwitch appeared. She was a short, plump woman. "I am so glad Gilderoy has visitors. I'm Miriam Strout," She extended her hand. "You must be Headmistress McGonagall, and Professor Severus Snape." Her tone changed just slightly, almost unnoticeable, when she said Snape's name. He looked at her intensely, and she looked away from him quickly. _Fear._

"I have brought Professor Snape here because he has a theory as to how Gilderoy might recover his memories," Minerva said.

Miriam Strout looked from Minerva, to Severus, and back to Minerva. She turned and gestured for The two professors to follow her. "Very well. You must be gentle with Gilderoy, though. He's such a sweet boy."

Severus opened his mouth to retort, but Minerva struck him in the chest with the back of her hand. When he looked at her, she was glaring at him fiercely. He rolled his eyes and remained silent.

"Here he is!" The mediwitch said happily.

Gilderoy Lockhart turned to face them. His blonde wavy hair was cut shorter and was messy on top of his head. He looked significantly less Lockhart than he did the last time Severus had seen him years before, but probably because he was dressed in medical patient clothing as opposed to his flamboyant and multi piece robes. The man stood about 5'10" and he looked thinner. Without all he pomp and circumstance, Lockhart looked like an ordinary man. Until he spoke.

"You must be here for autographs!" Lockhart smiled at them. "Certainly that will cheer you up!" He looked Severus up and down and patted Snape's arm. Severus' black eyes glittered as he looked at the spot on his arm that Lockhart had touched. Then, he looked up into the man's face.

"Gilderoy, these are the professors from Hogwarts that are here to try to recover your memories. We talked about them many times. Do you remember?" Miriam asked in an overly motherly voice.

Lockhart looked between the two teachers and then smiled. "Right, of course! Shall we then?"

"Oh, we shall," Severus said lowly. Lockhart looked at Snape and furrowed his brow briefly, but then resumed being unphased. "You should sit, Lockhart." Snape pointed a pale hand toward Lockhart's couch in his rooms. Gilderoy obliged amicably and Snape sat directly across from him on the coffee table.

"So, how do we do this then?" Lockhart asked happily.

"I am going to enter your mind via Legilimency, and show you a few of my personal memories of you. Hopefully, it will trigger memory recovery," Severus said in a bored tone.

"Oh, lovely. We know each other?" Gilderoy asked. His tone was happy and his face was light. For a moment, Severus felt a twinge of guilt. Should he succeed, Lockhart certainly wouldn't live so comfortably in his own skin, but Snape quickly suppressed that reality.

"Indeed," Severus said.

"And you as well?" Lockhart looked at Minerva.

"Oh, yes," Minerva nodded.

"Wonderful! Let's do this!"

Severus looked at Miriam, who looked particularly grim and wary, and then at Minerva, who put a hand on his left and still healing shoulder in support gently before retracting it.

"Look at me," Severus said. Lockhart's cloudy blue eyes met Snape's black. He slid into Lockhart's mind effortlessly. A lack of memory about his identity made him quite the open book. He did not even have any natural defenses. Severus summoned his first memory of Lockhart.

 _A tall lanky and nearly 16-year-old Snape sat under a tree near the black lake. His long black hair curtained around his face and he was scribbling furiously in a textbook. He jumped at the sound of a twig snapping behind him and was on his feet, wand drawn, in an instant._

 _He met the frightened blue eyes of an 11-year-old Gilderoy Lockhart in Ravenclaw robes. Lockhart, posing no threat to Snape, put his tiny hands up in surrender. Severus returned his wand to the pocket inside his Slytherin robes._

 _"I didn't mean to scare you," The young blonde boy said as he looked down at the grass._

 _"Thought you were someone else," Severus grumbled. Severus' voice was changing and, by far, was deeper and more intimidating than most of his peers. At that particular stage in puberty, though, it did quite sound like he was speaking out of the back of a drain pipe._

 _"Sorry," Gilderoy said pathetically and wiped at his eyes. Snape, noticing the boy had been crying and feeling very much uncomfortable, sat by the tree once more and returned his nose to his book._

 _A few moments passed before the young Lockhart spoke again. "I don't like it here. I don't have any friends. It's not at all like my mother said it would be." The boy pulled at his wavy hair._

 _Severus glanced up from his book and looked at the First Year and his dark eyes narrowed much like the adult Snape's. He had just lost Lily as his friend shortly before this memory. "And who are you?"_

 _The boy quickly sat cross-legged in front of Severus. He was desperate for attention and Severus, even then, had no patience for it and rolled his eyes. "Well, that's just it, isn't it? Nobody knows who I am. I'm going to change that. My name is Gilderoy, by the way. Gilderoy Lockhart."_

 _"I'd wager not being known here is better than being known," the teenage Snape muttered. Snape had seen Lockhart before in the corridors. He was not, by any means, without talent or cleverness, but he was quite cocky for reasons that Snape could neither fathom nor stand._

 _"I know you!" Lockhart said after a moment. His face lit up like a Christmas tree at the realization. Then, it darkened as the full realization of Snape's identity hit him. He'd heard rumors about Snape's fascination with the Dark Arts, about his fight with James Potter and what he'd called Lily Evans. Stories like that, at Hogwarts, like any school, spread like wild fire. "You're..."_

Before the young Lockhart had a chance to finish his sentence, Snape was pushed from Lockhart's mind with the strength only a fully realized wizard could possess. Once he recovered from the forceful mental shove, Snape was left looking into the horrified adult face of Gilderoy Lockhart. The man looked like he'd seen Lucifer in the flesh. 34 years of identity washed over him. Lockhart studdered, "Sev... Severus Snape."

 _"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you." ~ A Song of Fire and Ice_


	92. Chapter 92

Severus looked at Minerva, and his mouth hung slightly open in total disbelief. "It worked," He admitted softly. Minerva was wide eyed and nodded slowly. _One memory. Just one._

"Do you remember who I am?" She asked.

Gilderoy's now clear blue eyes looked at Minerva. His brow furrowed and then his eyes widened again. "Professor McGonagall?"

Severus and Minerva were both quiet for a moment. Snape's thoughts were racing. He needed to speak with Hermione. Immediately. Severus stood up, and Gilderoy did the same.

"Shall we?" Severus looked to Minerva as she stood next him.

"Shall we what? Surely you were not planning on getting me to regain my memories and then just leaving?" Gilderoy looked quite a bit angry. "You've just... rocked my entire world, and you're going to just go? I

"Gilderoy, we have urgent matters to attend to. Your mediwitch would be more than happy to assist you in filling in the time between when you lost your memory and now," Minerva said and looked toward Strout, who looked very annoyed and was rather red in the face. "Should you need anything from us, we would be happy to oblige."

"No. No. You can't. You can't. What am I to do?" He reached for Minerva's arm to regain her attention and Severus stepped between them and stared down at Lockhart. Lockhart flinched, and then looked up into Severus' face. "Everyone knows I'm a fraud now. Don't they?"

"Yes," Severus said curtly.

"How do I live with this..." He looked exactly as Severus had imagined he would in this moment. Pathetic. Small. Weak. Embarrassing.

"That bit doesn't seem like my problem, Gilderoy. You see, you've lived in ignorant bliss for the last six years, and my, my, you've missed quite a lot. Hopefully, you find that your little fall from grace is not the most traumatizing thing you will learn about the time you've been on cloud loopy," Severus scowled at the younger wizard, and then he turned to follow Minerva.

"Severus..." Came the broken voice. "Severus... Please..."

The words were an echo of the plea of a much older wizard on top of the Astronomy Tower on a windy night at the end of June over a year ago.

' _Severus... Severus... Please.'_

Severus stood frozen and Minerva turned back to him. She looked Severus over for a moment, unsure as to what had affected him so, and then looked to Lockhart and narrowed her eyes.

"I believe we could find a way to put your penmanship to good use, honest use, while also providing you with the answers you seek. We'll be in touch. Come, Severus," Minerva put her hand on his elbow and snapped him out of his trance. He looked at her and then walked briskly out of the ward.

"What on Earth happened back there?" She questioned as they walked to the Floo.

"Nothing," He said sharply, and she stopped walking immediately.

"Don't lie to me. You look as if you've seen a ghost... And not the good kind," She was having none of Severus' sweep it under the rug style.

"He said something someone else once said to me, though under very different circumstances," His eyes drifted to the floor as his thoughts threatened to get him lost again. He shook his head once. "Albus."

Minerva sighed. "I am sorry, my boy."

He looked at her and gave her a tight smile. His eyes were shielded soon by his black hair and they Floo'd back to Hogwarts. The pain in his shoulder increased quite a bit when using Floo travel, but it was much more bearable now after months.

"You're going to tell her?" Minerva asked as she brushed her robes off.

"Yes," He said. His voice sounded a bit pinched - nervous.

She grabbed his right hand and held it in between both of her hands. She patted the back of his hand with his fingers lovingly. "Good luck, Severus." She eyed him over her glasses.

"Minerva..." He said softly. His black eyes searched her face. "Thank you..." The muscle in his jaw was jumping and he spoke again, even more softly this time. "Mum."

The word was barely above a whisper and Minerva swore she must have misheard, but the way he looked at her - intensely focused and incredibly uncomfortable - confirmed that he had indeed said it, called her that. His relationship with his mother had been complicated at best, and not at all what a mother and son should be, and that single word carried so much weight and so much trust.

She hugged him to her and stroked the back of his head for a moment as his arms wrapped around her in return. This woman had fought for him for almost his entire life. "Go, Severus. Off with you," She said as she waved toward the door. He nodded, turned, and left. His black cloak flowed in his wake. For a man who just made himself terribly vulnerable, he could still scare the daylights out of anyone.

 _Hermione?_

 **Hello, Severus.**

 _I need to speak with you. Do you have some time?_

 **Of course. Is everything all right?**

 _Yes._

 **I'll be down down in a few minutes.**

He didn't respond to her, but quickened his steps to his room. Once there, he unfastened his cloak and hung it over the back of his couch. He paced restlessly until his fireplace lit up in fluorescent green light.

"Hello," She smiled up at him as she brushed off her clothing.

Her smile could still render him speechless. He shook his head. "Hermione, take a seat, please?"

She furrowed her brow at him and then sat with him on the couch. He was holding her hands in his and she noticed that his were trembling and sweaty. She looked up at him in concern. "Severus...?"

"I made a promise to you. I made a promise to you months ago: that I would find a way to set your parents right again. And I've... I have made progress," He said. Severus looked nervous, anduncharacteristically excited. "I was able to test a theory on someone else with total memory loss, and the test was a complete success. At least, so far. I will have to check up on him several times over the next couple weeks to be certain he has recovered enough."

"Who is he?"

"Gilderoy Lockhart," He said smoothly.

"You... You helped Lockhart get his memories back?" She asked. Her eyes searched his face. He gave her a slight smirk, and then nodded. "Is that why you've been distant? And not sleeping? Because you've been busy working on this?"

He grimaced and the spark fell away from his eyes. "In part, yes," He admitted. He couldn't hide the circles under his eyes, his shorter fuse, and the tension in his body completely apparently. She was too perceptive, and when he thought he was successful in hiding, she had been really just allowing him space. Her honey eyes locked onto his dark eyes, and she implored him to continue with just a single look. "I am also quite stressed out about everything else going on, but that isn't as important right now." He waved his hand dismissively. "I think I can help your parents, Hermione."

She sat, stunned, for a moment. Her mouth was open slightly as she stared at him. Sensing his growing apprehension, she removed her hands from his and put her hands on either side of his face. She pressed her mouth against his hard, her hands tangled into his hair, and then she pulled back, leaving him shocked for a change.

"Are you... upset?" He asked tentatively. He found himself unable to read her. There were many emotions on her face.

Tears spilled from her eyes. She swatted at them desperately, and said, "I'm just emotional." His dark eyes raked over her face as he sat next to her. He looked worried and uncertain. How much he must love her to work so tirelessly to help her. How could she ever doubt him? How could anyone ever doubt him? He was not a man of words. Not often. No. Severus Snape was a man of action, and his actions made everything clear. She grabbed his right hand. "Tell me everything," She said through a watery smile.

 _"Love is one of those topics that plenty of people try to write about but not enough try to do." ~ Killosophy_


	93. Chapter 93

Hermione's whimpers woke him that night. They'd been up late discussing his work with the memory charms and his apparent success with Lockhart. He leaned over to peer at her face and saw that she was crying in her sleep. He reached out his left hand and gently rested it on her cheek. His thumb swiped softly over her cheek and wiped away the falling tears. During the week, and on most weekend nights, she slept in Gryffindor Tower. His brow furrowed as she whimpered a bit louder. How many nights has she done this? Why hadn't she told him? Had she used all of the Dreamless Sleep he had given her? His heart twisted when she began to tremble.

"Hermione," He murmured into the space between them. "It's all right. Everything is all right." His deep voice was gruff with sleep. The whimpering stopped and he pulled her small sleeping form into his chest and looped his arms around her. The trembling stopped almost immediately as he stroked her messy hair. He listened to her breathing as it deepened, slowed, and returned to the rhythm of someone in a deep sleep. Severus held her close and pushed his nose into her untamable hair.

In the next week, November turned to December. The castle became more and more festive, and Severus visited Lockhart any spare second he had. If he were to propose to Hermione over the Christmas holiday as he planned, he wanted her to be able to reconnect with her parents first. She deserved that, and he preferred to have some sort of acceptance, or at the very least acknowledgement, from her family.

That evening, Hermione, Harry, and Ron wanted to go with him to see Lockhart, to see Severus' success. "You're sure about this, Weasley? Wasn't the memory charm that backfired originally intended for you?" Severus arched a dark eyebrow.

Weasley groaned and ran a hand through his shaggy red hair. "Yeah, I bloody well know that. I'd just like to see the look on the prick's face when he recognizes me." Potter smirked to Weasley's right and he could practically hear Hermione's eyes rolling. The two young wizards stepped into the Floo.

Once they were through, Hermione stepped in and Severus followed her. They reappeared at St. Mungo's, and the Professor quickly led them to the Janus Thickey Ward. After they were signed in, Severus walked them to Lockhart's room, where he then knocked on the closed door.

The blonde Ravenclaw appeared. His hair was slightly disheveled. "Ah, Severus. Yes. Come in," He said. When Severus stepped across the doorway, Lockhart was able to see clearly that Snape did not come alone. His blue eyes moved over each face slowly back and forth several times. Severus turned to watch Lockhart's face and waited expectantly for the realization to light his features.

Hermione stared at Lockhart uncertainly. She did not doubt Severus' work and she had the utmost faith that, if anyone could restore someone's memories, it would be Severus Snape, but she was nervous and wanted to see the success for herself. She wanted to see it so she could then believe it could happen for her parents.

Lockhart looked at her carefully, and his eyes studied her for a long moment. "Miss... Granger?" Hermione's eyes widened and her faced brightened immediately as she nodded. "I am glad to see you are no longer petrified. And my, my, you are lovely, aren't you?" He looked her up and down and Severus bristled next to him. Harry and Ron shot knowing looks at Snape and then smirked when they saw that Severus was very much poised to kill a man.

"Mister Lockhart, I suggest you mind your tongue," Harry advised with a smug look on his face.

Ron cleared his throat. "Yeah, or Snape there will remove it. Believe me. I've seen him do it." Ron paled a bit as the memory flooded his mind.

Lockhart's brow contracted as he looked between the boys and Hermione, and then he glanced at Snape, who was in full Dungeon Bat mode. The man was scowling darkly. Lockhart raised an eyebrow, but couldn't summon the courage to ask any questions. Severus knew, though, that the question would be voiced at some point. Gilderoy, being the man that he was, simply wouldn't be able to contain himself forever.

Gilderoy, instead, turned his attention back to Harry and Ron. "Well, then. Did I have you two as students also?"

Harry and Ron looked at each other briefly, and Harry stammer, "Well... Er..."

Lockhart's jaw dropped open. "Harry Potter. And you're..." He looked at Ron and swallowed hard. "Ron Weasley." Severus narrowed his dark eyes as Gilderoy spoke again. "I've read so much about you in the papers!"

There was an uncomfortable silence that fell upon the group as Lockhart sat with a smile plastered across his face. Severus stared at him. He couldn't tell if the younger man was lying, or if he truly didn't remember. He spoke to the Ravenclaw. "You do not remember having them as students?"

Gilderoy's smile faded almost immediately. "No. Well... No. I suppose I should have, though. If I remember having her," He said and pointed at Hermione. _Dammit._ Snape's mind was racing. Why would he remember Hermione, but not Potter or Weasley? _Wait..._

"Potter, I need a memory," He said lowly to Harry. Harry looked at him with a look of confusion. Severus elaborated. "A memory of _that_ night." Snape jerked his head toward Lockhart. Harry's eyebrows rose simultaneously and he nodded and locked eyes with his Professor.

Instantly, Severus was allowed access. Harry, now trusting Snape, quickly brought the memory of being in the Chamber of Secrets all those years ago to the forefront of his mind. Potter stood down the tunnel near Lockhart, who was acting strangely on edge and irritable. The tunnel collapsed and separated Weasley and Lockhart from Harry.

He pulled out of Harry's mind, keeping he details fresh in his memory, and looked at Ron, who said, "I've got one for him." Severus smirked and entered Weasley's mind. The youngest son of Arthur and Molly Weasley proudly displayed his memory of Lockhart attempting to alter his memory as a child.

Severus withdrew and looked at Gilderoy once again. The man looked nervous. Hermione was staring curiously at Severus. "Legilimens," Snape hissed.

He pushed Harry and Ron's memories into Lockhart's consciousness - Harry's first, then Ron's. He could sense the apprehension and panic inside the man's mind. Withdrawing as gently as possible, Severus focused on Lockhart's blue eyes once more. The room was deathly quiet. Gilderoy was breathing hard and unevenly. His right hand rubbed at his sternum, a sign of stress Severus had come to know on the man.

Lockhart looked to Ron. "I attacked you..."

Ron sneered a bit. "Yeah. Well. You tried to, at least. I was just a boy."

"I am so sorry," Gilderoy said softly and hung his head. His wavy blonde hair fell across his forehead and he looked younger than he usually did, though Severus did notice lines on his face now that he didn't have before he recovered his memories. This man was more defeated that Severus had ever seen him, and he looked quite depressed. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared at Lockhart and Severus was surprised to see empathy in all of their eyes, especially Ronald's. This moment was a testament to how much they had all matured, even the short fused Weasley and the hot headed Potter. Lockhart had changed them. War has changed them - for better and for worse.

 _"I began to understand that suffering and disappointments and melancholy are there not to vex us or cheapen us or deprive us of our dignity but to mature and transfigure us." ~ Peter Camezind_


	94. Chapter 94

Severus stepped out from the bedroom and Hermione's jaw dropped open completely. He was standing in muggle clothing - jeans, black shoes, and a ribbed sweater. More than that, his hair was cropped short. The black hair was straight across the bottom of his neck, but still a bit shaggy and touched the collar of the gray sweater. He had small black sideburns that were now more readily visible. The black hair on the top and sides of his head was still long enough to be shaggy, and it flipped out just a bit by his ears. He had a part on the left side of his head and a bit of a cowlick in the front where his bangs stuck out a bit and puffed out his hair. The rest of his bangs hung loosely across his forehead.

Under her gaze, he grew uncomfortable and shifted. Then, he ran a hand through his black hair. "It's just a glamour."

"It is?"

"I think I look a bit more _normal_ muggle with hair like this," He shrugged.

"Indeed you do," She said and walked toward him. Cupping his face in her hands, she stared up into his anxious eyes. She ran her right hand through his hair and he tilted his head just a bit into her hand. "I like it."

He relaxed visibly and then smirked. "Just a glamour, Hermione."

She touched her hands to his sides. "You're still too thin, Severus." She could feel every single one of his ribs under her hands. He closed his eyes for a long moment and sighed. Severus wasn't going to reply to her comment, so she pulled away and looked him over once more. He pulled the peacoat she's purchased for him for Christmas off the kitchen chair and put it on. She did the same with her own, and pulled a hat over her hair.

"You are sure you're ready to try this, Hermione?"

She bit her lip and nodded up at him. "Yes. You're sure you have enough of my memories?"

"For now," He said quietly. He pulled her into his chest and held her tightly. In that action, he said all that she needed to hear - no matter what happened, he was here for her and that she would always have him.

"Are you sure you're going to be able to handle international Floo?" She looked up at him worriedly and stepped back.

"I've taken three pain potions already, Hermione. A troll could step on me and I probably wouldn't feel it. Plus, I've slipped more in your bag there." A long slender finger pointed to the bag that was clutched in her hand.

"Are you sure?"

"Hermione," He said lowly. "Are _you_ sure?"

"We have to try," She said and bit her lip nervously. He put his thumb to her bottom lip and stroked the reddened flesh before nodding.

"Shall we?"

She nodded again, still nervous, and walked toward the Floo. They would have to Floo through various Ministrys to get to New Zealand. Kingsley would meet them in London with a team of security and Shacklebolt himself would accompany the group. Lupin, who was - despite Severus' protests - more than capable in dueling, was also accompanying them and had already left to meet Kingsley.

The first Floo trip to London was not painful, but Severus knew full well it would have been without the borderline overdose on pain potions.

"Severus. Hermione," Kingsley greeted them. He was followed by Lupin and several Aurors. "These are my very best and most trustworthy Aurors. Are you all set?"

Hermione nodded with a small but anxious smile, and Severus put his hand on the small of her back to steady her. She leaned into him and Severus, once again, felt overwhelmed by how much he loved this young witch.

Severus and Hermione followed Kingsley and Remus and were flanked by the four Aurors. The attention the security detail, and the celebrity of the witch and wizards in two, brought plenty of attention to them as they moved through the busy ministry. Snape's shorter hair was not hiding him in the wizarding world as well as it would in the muggle world, and he was really wishing it were. He followed Kingsley into his office, where he and another Auror stepped into the Floo.

"Hermione, you'll come with us," Kingsley said as he moved to make room for her. His chocolate eyes met Snape's and he nodded sharply. They disappeared into green flames.

Lupin stepped into the Floo, followed by another Auror, and then Lupin beckoned Snape to followed him. Severus stepped in and was engulfed in flames. All in all, it took five Floo trips, and two more pain potions for Severus, to arrive in New Zealand. The Aurors were on high alert, as the presence of Severus, Hermione, and Lupin at the Ministry had certainly excited the media back home.

"You should make that permanent," Lupin said quietly as he dusted off his T-shirt. He was dressed in muggle clothing - jeans and a T-shirt. December was one of warmest months in New Zealand and Severus, having uncharacteristically not accounted for that, transfigure his sweater to a lighter fabric long sleeve T-shirt.

"What?" Severus asked as he examined his shirt.

"The hair," Lupin smirked. "Looks... Good."

Severus narrowed his eyes, and then moved toward Hermione. He spoke lowly into her ear. "Are you ready?"

She nodded, and he nodded to Kingsley, and they disapparated to the town to which Hermione had moved her parents. Once there, Severus grimaced, and Hermione looked at him in concern. "Are you okay?"

"Lovely," He said through his teeth. She handed him another potion.

"Not all of it. There must be some sort of limit before an overdose..."

"If you think I survived a bloody war only to overdose on pain potion, you are sorely mistaken..." He growled as he swallowed the liquid.

She rolled her eyes at him, and led them to the address. Once outside of the quaint little flat, she said, "This is it." She was chewing the inside of her cheek and she scratched one leg with her opposite foot absently.

"How do you plan on convincing them to let you in?" Kingsley said lowly to Severus.

"I'm counting on you to look the other way, Minister," Severus answered evenly.

Kingsley raised an eyebrow, considered a counter argument, but then turned back to his Aurors. "Let's set up a perimeter." Lupin stayed for a moment, locking eyes with Severus. Snape nodded, and Lupin went off to take a position.

"Are you ready?" Severus asked lowly.

"No," Hermione's whispered voice cracked slightly. "But it's time. How did you plan on getting us in?"

"Two well timed Confundus Charms," He said. In a rare show of public affection, he rubbed his finger tips over her back gently. "I am here. Always."

She chewed her lip and nodded, then walked to the door. She knocked, and after a moment, her father opened the door.

"Yes? Can I help you?" He asked politely and looked between Hermione and Severus.

Severus glanced at Hermione, who was standing there in shock, whispered, "Confundus! Ah, yes!" Severus smiled a dangerously and disarmingly charming smile. "You remember me, yes? This is my partner. I'd quite like to come in for a chat, friend!"

Hermione was broken out of her trance by Severus' informal verbiage. She looked at him apologetically, and he nodded for her to walk into the house before him.

"Is your wife home, friend?" Severus asked silkily.

"Yes, of course," Hermione's father answered. His voice was airy. "Catherine, could you come downstairs, please?" He called up the steps.

Severus put his hand gently on Hermione's back. His thumb stroked softly, rooting her firmly on her feet. Catherine Granger walked down the steps smiling. _Good Lord, Hermione just like her mother. Except her eyes._ Catherine Granger's eyes were very blue. She was beautiful in the ways that Hermione was, but held a wisdom and refined grace that came with raising a child. Both of her parents did, now that Severus returned his gaze to Hermione's father, Robert.

"Do we know you?" Catherine's brow furrowed.

"Sorry," Hermione mumbled. "Confundus. Shall we sit in the living room? We'll be more comfortable."

"Of course!" Catherine smiled at her, and Severus couldn't help but notice the tears building in Hermione's eyes - her mother was smiling at her again.

Severus followed the three Grangers and sat next to Hermione, across from her father.

"Hermione?" His black eyes searched her face carefully. He knew was capable. She had practiced showing him memories many times before they'd made this trip. She nodded.

"Doctor Granger?" Severus called to him. The man's whiskey eyes, the ones he had passed down to his only child, met Severus' obsidian eyes. "Legilimens!"

"What're you..." He heard Catherine's voice, and Hermione called to her, and then he heard Hermione utter the very same spell. Hermione's earliest childhood memories began playing out before him.

 _"But what if they don't like me, Mummy?" A nearly six-year-old Hermione asked as she stood on the sidewalk near her new school._

 _"Darling, they will love you almost as much as Daddy and me!" Catherine assured her young daughter._

 _"Why almost?"_

 _"Because nobody could ever love you more," Robert Granger smiled at her._

 _"But what if it happens here? It always happens when I'm scared. Or angry."_

 _"You just keep your hands in your pockets, love. You're a very brave girl, aren't you?" Her mother asked._

 _Her father kneeled in front of her, taking her tiny hands in his. "And if it happens, it happens. Worrying something will happen is the surest way to make it so."_

 _Hermione smiled at her father. The scene shifted._

 _"Dad! Look!!" She pedaled the bike successfully on her own for the very first time. She was a wild haired beautiful child. Stubbornly attempting to ride the bike for hours, exhausting even her equally stubborn father._

 _Robert Granger looked at his daughter just as the bike's front tire caught on the edge of the sidewalk and fell on it's side, scraping Hermione's knee in the process. The child cried out, scooting away from the bike as if it were the object's fault, and cradled her scraped knee._

 _Her father sat down next to her and touched her knee to examine the injury. It stung, and Hermione's hands stung her father's magically as she moved his hands away._

 _He hissed and looked at her. Concern colored his face. The child began to cry heavily. "I'm so sorry, Daddy. I'm sorry."_

 _Robert leaned in and pulled Hermione into his arms. "It's okay, love. It's okay. I know you didn't mean it."_

 _As Severus looked at Robert's face, he could see the usual confusion he saw with Muggle parents. The scene faded away again._

 _"Has your daughter ever made anything happen? Anything you couldn't explain? When she was angry, or scared, or hurt, perhaps?" Severus knew that voice, knew that Albus and Minerva made trips to explain their world to the parents of Muggleborns._

 _Realization dawned on Robert and Catherine's faces. Catherine nodded. "It's been happening more frequently. We've... We've had to keep her home from school. It's terrible isolating for her. We don't know what to do. She's terrified to hurt someone."_

In a brutish above, Severus was thrust from Robert's mind. The whiskey eyes were swimming in emotion as he looked frantically to Hermione, who was crying in her mother's arms. _Her father took longer. Of course. A mother's love. Bloody Dumbledore._

"I'll give you time," Severus said softly as he stood. Robert took his place on the couch, wrapping his arms around his wife and child.

Severus, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his coat, walked out of the house. Lupin approached him. "How did it go?"

"Well," He said. "I believe it worked."

"I didn't know you smoked," Remus nodded toward the pack.

Severus pulled a cigarette from the pack, fished out the lighter from his pocket, and lit the cigarette. "Neither does she."

Lupin smirked. "You do it in moments of stress or nervousness then. You're..." Lupin's blue eyes moved over Severus' face. "Nervous. She's going to have to explain you."

Snape inhaled deeply and grimaced before nodding. He stared at the scenery. Hermione had sent them to Queenstown, New Zealand, a well-populated town on a lake in the mountains. It was beautiful and quiet in a way that large cities in a England never were. He released the smoke from his lungs. "I'm nearly as old as they were."

Remus' eyes went wide. "Oh, bloody hell, give me one of those." Remus reached for a cigarette and promptly lit it.

"You've never said anything about it. The age gap. Any of it," Severus said with curiousness.

Lupin looked at him out of the corner his eye. "I'm hardly one to say anything, am I? Dora and I were 14 years apart."

"Considerably better than 19."

"You'd have been a very young father at that age, Severus. Hardly a difference between 14 and 19 anyway for us. We live to be over 100. It doesn't matter really, does it?"

"To them, it will," Severus said uneasily. "Muggles don't view things the same way, and she is their only child."

Remus inhaled on his cigarette and surveyed the landscape nervously. "They'll come around. Hermione's not one to take "no," for an answer anyway." Severus snorted at that. Lupin continued. "I don't think you take anything lightly... Especially something like this. You're serious. She's serious," Remus said. "It did bother me at first. Of course, it did. But you... You are many things, but a sleazy teacher was never one of them," Remus shrugged. "No matter how the world, or Sirius, or James, or Peter, or Dumbledore, or I tried to paint you, for your whole life, that particular color never worked."

Severus glanced over his shoulder when he heard the door open. Hermione wiped at her eyes. He walked to her quickly and stared at her. _It didn't go well._

"This is going to take quite a long time... To explain everything," She said.

He nodded stiffly. "Of course."

"Perhaps, you could go and get something to eat? In shifts of course. Mum said there's a nice coffee shop down the way. Just there. Not far."

He looked at her intensely. _Get something to eat_. His gaze was weighted, and she gave him a small smile. Her hand cradled his elbow. "Everything's all right, Severus. Because of you. It's just a lot to process and discuss. For everyone." She stepped to him and wrapped her arms around his thin frame.

His black eyes moved back and forth quickly over the pavement. He touched his hands lightly to her shoulders. His embrace was stiff, in broad daylight, and he was nervous.

"You shouldn't smoke," She chided softly.

He pulled away from her and looked into her eyes. "You're okay?"

"I will be. It's an awful lot," She said with a sad smile. "Thank you. For everything."

Severus stepped back nodded. "Are we all right?" He said and glanced at the house, where he could see her mother and father in the window watching them, watching him.

"Do you trust me?" She asked and his eyes snapped back to hers instantly.

"Yes," He said without hesitation.

"Good. Go eat," She encouraged. "Remus? I know you're listening. Go with him."

Remus scratched the back of his head, and walked toward to Severus and Hermione. Hermione stood on her toes and pressed an all-too-brief kiss to Severus' cheeks, turned, and walked back into the house.

"And?" Remus asked as they walked down the street a bit.

Severus said nothing. He shrugged uncomfortably, and pulled two cigarettes from the pack. He handed one to Remus, lit his own, then handed the lighter to Lupin.

"Went that well?" Lupin asked trying to lighten the mood.

Severus scowled his usual Snape scowl. Despite muggle clothing, and shorter hair, Severus Snape was still a scary man. But... Again, Remus was unable to deny that Severus Snape was a changed man.

" _Nevermore alone._ _Nevermore apart. You have warmed my heart like the sun. You have brought the gift of life and love so long denied me." ~ Les Miserables_


	95. Chapter 95

Author's Note: So, I got a "guest" review that said "Eww, so he looks like Justin Bieber aka a lesbian" and I just have a couple words for you... I based the description of Severus' glamour off of a picture of from GQ Magazine in 1991. Check it out, you troll. Two: There's nothing gross about being a lesbian, or being gay, but I would wager Justin Bieber's wife might contend that he's very much male. Ignorance is so unattractive.

Anyway! Hello. I have missed you.

 **Severus, you can come back.**

He had been pacing restlessly up and down the street waiting for her. Severus could tell by the sun that it had been probably two hours. The Aurors, to their credit, had shown no sign of impatience. Severus recognized fully that this was probably because they feel indebted to him, or at least Kingsley did.

He walked back toward the house and knocked softly once and then ran a hand through his magically shortened hair.

"Sev," She breathed as she opened the door. Her eyes were puffy and red, and his brow furrowed. "Come in." She opened the door for him and he stepped inside. "You can drop the appearance glamours," She advised. He looked at her questioningly for a moment and then obliged. His hair lengthened.

"All of them," She said and pointed to his neck. His jaw tightened in response. "I've already told them. It's okay." He swallowed hard. In the muggle lower collared long sleeve T-shirt, which fitted tightly to his thin body, the scarring was more visible on the bottom left side of his neck. The glamour disappeared, revealing reddened scarring that looked quite like burns. He shifted self-consciously.

 _What am I walking into, Hermione?_

 **It's gone better than I anticipated.**

He nodded, but he looked nervous in a way that Severus never looked. Meeting the parents wasn't a walk in the park. Especially for him.

"Come on," She said and grabbed his hand. His hand, which was normally cold and dry, was warm and sweaty. He squeezed her hand briefly, appreciating the gesture, dropped his from her grasp, and wiped it on his pants.

"Mum. Dad. This is Severus Snape," She smiled at her pants and tapped Severus' chest lightly. Severus stuck his hand out nervously, first to her mother, and then her father.

"Hello," Catherine said pleasantly.

"Severus," Robert said. He squeezed, Severus noticed, a little hard, and his whiskey eyes were narrowed in a way that Hermione's did when she was assessing him.

"Come and sit," Catherine gestured toward the sitting room. "Tea?" Severus shook his head politely, but Hermione nodded for him anyway. Her mother disappeared into the kitchen.

Severus sat stiffly next to Hermione. Robert broke the ice. "So, you are a professor at Hogwarts?"

"Yes," Severus said quietly. _Here it comes._

"Which subject? I'm not very familiar with all of them, despite how many times Hermione has tried to teach us."

"I have taught Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Potions," Severus answered. "Potions would be, I think, closest to chemistry in your world. I'm afraid I don't have a comparison for Defense."

"Ah," Robert said as he watched his wife sit down next to him and pass tea cups to all of them. He narrowed his eyes at his cup, and then looked at Severus again. "About the Dark Arts course..." Severus swallowed and closed his eyes briefly. He set the cup down on the table. "Hermione told us about you, before today. I remember hearing about you you quite well, actually."

"Robert..." Catherine's voice was a warning.

"It's quite all right," Severus said and smiled as best he could.

"You were a bully of a teacher, weren't you? Making fun of a child's teeth."

Severus winced, and the sighed heavily. "That was not my best educational moment, no. I apologize, as I have to Hermione many times, for the distress I caused her."

Hermione touched her hand to his forearm. Robert spoke again. "Right." The dentist seemed to have lost his nerve. "And you are... Were... One of them? These... Death Eaters? That's how you knew we were being hunted?"

"Yes," Severus said evenly. "I was a double agent."

"So we've been told. For love?"

"In the simplest terms, yes." He shifted uncomfortably on the couch and crossed one leg over the other tightly.

"Whatever his reasons, it was brave to do what he's done," Catherine admitted, and Robert rubbed at the back of his neck before shrugging an acknowledgement. "You were here, when Hermione wiped our memory? There were no other options? We couldn't have had a choice?"

He flinched at the question as if she'd struck him. Truthfully, it was a question that haunted him already. "In an effort to be completely transparent, I'm not sure. I made a suggestion, in the face of dire circumstances, that I felt would best protect both of you, and her."

Catherine looked him over. He was uncomfortable, stiff, and all too thin, but there was something enigmatic about him, something undeniably determined and fiercely compelling. "Very well."

He glanced at her briefly and nodded.

Robert said, "Tu parles Français?" _Do you speak French?_

Severus looked at him alarmed. He glanced at Hermione. He would know that Severus had spent his early primary years learning French, which was uncommon in most English schools now and students usually learned at a later age.

"Oui," He said. _Yes._

"Daddy, no," Hermione said and squeezed Severus' arm.

Robert glared at his daughter. "Elle dit qu'elle t'aime. Elle dit que vous êtes ensemble." _She says that she loves you. She says that you are together._

"Oui," He said again.

"Et vous?" Robert asked. _And you?_

"Je dis la même chose." _I say the same thing._

"Tu es beaucoup plus âgée qu'elle," Robert said lowly and looked between the two. _You are much older than her._

"Oui. Dans notre monde, l'âge n'est pas une préoccupation majeure. Souvent, nous vivons plus de cent ans," He said. _Yes. In our world, age is not a major concern. Often, we live more than a hundred years._

"Vous l'avez protégée. Vous l'avez gardée en sécurité. Pouvons-nous vous faire confiance pour continuer à faire ça?" Robert winced at the realization and question. _You have protected her. You have kept her safe. Can we trust you to continue doing this?_

Severus locked eyes with her father. "Oui. Je donnerais ma vie pour elle." _Yes. I would give my life for her._

"Vous envisagez de l'épouser?" Robert asked hesitantly. Hermione was growing irritated. _You plan to marry her?_

Severus nodded, and looked between the husband and wife. "Oui et j'aimerais votre bénédiction." _Yes, and I would like your blessing._

"Vous restez ici quelques jours. Nous verrons à propos de notre bénédiction." _You are staying here for a few days. We will see about our blessing._

"We're staying here?" Severus looked at Hermione with wide eyes.

"Well, until Sunday. They'd like to move back to England. We could use a Fidelius Charm in whatever house they might purchase," She said and shrugged.

"You realize how many Aurors are with us? And the Minister of Magic?"

"We all planned for this."

"We?" Severus said. His voice was low. He didn't like being caught off guard.

"We have a guest house. In the garden. Hermione said you'd be able to expand it with magic, make more bedrooms. Hermione can stay in our guest bedroom here with us."

"Lovely," Severus said and tried to make his voice not sound so cold.

"We can go set you up there now. It's getting late. We've all had a very day," Robert suggested.

Hermione nodded and followed her father out into the garden and into the guest house. Severus walked out and stood in the yard, staring up over the fence to the mountains. He heard someone approaching him from behind, but did not expect it to be Hermione's mother.

"She said you wouldn't agree if she had suggested it before," Hermione's mother chuckled. "She also said you didn't like surprises."

"I don't," He said softly and glanced at her quickly.

"You truly love her, don't you?" She asked, but it was more of a statement than a question.

 _Well, go on, Severus._ "I love her. Truly."

Catherine smiled a soft and knowing smile that she had passed on to her only daughter. "Sleep well, Severus. And thank you. For putting us right again." She turned and disappeared into the house.

 _"I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be." ~ Dear John_


	96. Chapter 96

It had been hours since he'd parted from Hermione for the evening, and still sleep would not come. He stared at the ceiling and sighed. Sitting up, he resolved to take a walk.

Slipping out of the back gate, warding it behind him, he strolled down the empty street. His eyes travelled up to the beautiful mountain ranges surrounding him. He walked down an alley in between a small grocery store and a coffee shop. Behind the shops, the landscape opened up wide before him. The quiet gave him space for reflect on the day, on his life.

For the first time, he felt the freedom he had attained, standing there before the mountains. He felt small in the grand scheme of the world, in a way he never had previously. For his entire life, he had felt the weight of the world so acutely. He had felt a responsibility and obligation. Now, as he stared up at the vastness of the world, he was aware that he was just another human being.

Hermione's father, rightfully so, had reservations about Severus. But, the man did not have reservations about his daughter, and that would work to Severus' benefit. If he were painfully honest with himself, he would have the same reservations, and more, if the shoe were on the other foot.

What did they see in him? What could they see in him? Largely, they saw what the rest of the world saw. He was a double-agent, former Death Eater. He'd help torture innocent people, more than dabbled in the Dark Arts. He was bitter, blatantly broken in many ways, and he was not much of a "looker." Outwardly, he wouldn't appear to have any money, but he had plenty. Hermione would never have to worry about that. He could fund any and all endeavors she might pursue. Severus had many patents on valuable potions, and he also sold his potions both to Hogwarts, to other wizarding schools, and to St. Mungo's, as well as to various retirement facilities throughout the magical world.

Money had been an issue for Severus in his childhood because his mother wouldn't leave his father to rectify her place in her parents' will, but it would never be in his adulthood. Other than financial security, he didn't have much to offer as a suitor. He was unfailingly committed, intelligent, and very much in love with Hermione. His fidelity would never be in question, he'd never raise a hand to her, and he would never restrict her as an independent woman as magical marriages often did. He knew, rationally, there were other matches her parents probably had in mind for her, but he would prove that he was the best. For her. To her.

"Well, well," Came a cold voice from behind him. Cords wrapped themselves around his wrists and ankles, then up in between his teeth gagging him. "We've been looking for you."

Corban Yaxley And Fenrir Greyback walked around in front of Snape. Severus growled against the gagging vines.

"What was that?" Fenrir asked. "Didn't catch that." Snape glared and his magic popped off his skin.

"You can make this easy, or difficult. The choice is yours. We need Granger. We need Lupin. Give us the location of the safe house, and we will be gentle with your mudblood."

Snape shook his head slowly. He felt his shields kicking in, calming him outwardly. Hermione was safe. Her parents were safe. Lupin was safe. He could keep her out of his head, keep her away. Keep her safe. Keep them all safe.

Yaxley walked around behind Severus and grabbed at his right hand, pulling the invisible ring off of his hand. Severus swallowed hard. "We wouldn't want her to find you now, would we?"

Fenrir grabbed a fistful of Severus' frock, pulled him off his knees, and held him close to his own face. "Where is my wolf? I _know_ he's here. I smelled him."

Snape kept his features neutral. Yaxley put a hand on Greyback's arm. "Not here. Let's take him back to the room. Umbridge wants to speak to him." Severus' dark eyes flickered momentarily before going cold again. "Oh, yes, Snape. She is eager to see you."

They gripped his biceps hard, one on either side of him, and disapparated. Severus' shoulder roared in pain and he bit down on the ropey vines between his teeth. When he opened his eyes, he was sitting in a run-down looking hotel room. Yaxley was warding the door.

"Loosen him up, Corban," Said the shrill voice of Dolores Umbridge. Snape eyed her. She looked frenzied, a bit disheveled, but still held that same arrogance in her posture.

Corban slid his wand out of his sleeve, pointed it at Severus, smiled, and said, "Crucio!"

White. Blinding white. He refused to scream, and was actually grateful for the gag because it helped silence him against the pain. His nerves were on fire, a thousand razor blades sliced into him all at once over and over.

He wasn't sure how long it went on, but when it ended, he was curled on his side. His body twitched in the aftermath of the curse. His left arm was contracted and cramped, and his shoulder felt as if it was shredded in a thousands pieces. Sweat was pouring off his face.

Yaxley, Greyback, and Umbridge were talking quietly on the other side of the room. He couldn't see or hear clearly. His ears were ringing and his vision was blurry and doubled. He felt feverish.

Umbridge, all in pink, approached him with fake empathy on her face. She pulled the vines out from his mouth. "Come now, Severus. Tell us where they are." He hung his head.

After a minute, Severus struggled to look up at her, breathing heavily. "I will never tell you. I will never betray her."

"You really think she loves you?"

Severus smirked. He had anticipated this tactic. "I do, but it doesn't matter if she didn't," He said evenly. "I love her."

"You really do have a thing for mudbloods, don't you?" Umbridge seethed.

Snape's lip twitched dangerously. "I won't tell you anything. You can't torture or bewitch it out of me."

"Oh, I beg to differ," She said smoothly.

"You will have to kill me," Severus said as he sat up and leaned back against the wall. His hands were twisted painfully behind his back.

"I think we can come to an arrangement," Dolores said coolly as she pulled a vial from her pocket.

Snape's black eyes looked to the liquid. It was glowing phosphorescently and its emerald green color told Severus exactly what potion it was. _No._ He felt defeated as he looked back to Dolores' face.

"I believe you are familiar with this particular brew," Dolores said with a demented grin on her face. Snape said nothing. "You said you won't give in to torture. But what about despair? For someone like you, to drink this, it would be unbearable. The sufferings in your past, the guilt, the heartbreak, the betrayal, the regret... My, my. Are you certain we can't come to some sort of agreement?" She asked.

"You will have to kill me," He repeated through gritted teeth. _That potion will probably do the trick._

She huffed. "Very well. Hold him down," She said to Yaxley and Greyback.

He remembered that night in the Shrieking Shack vaguely as Fenrir yanked his head back and pried his mouth open. He remembered, even in his hazy and in-and-out consciousness Sirius screaming at what he now knew to be Peter Pettigrew. For once, Snape had. agreed with Black. _I do. I will._

 _"THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!" roared Black. "DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!" ~ Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_


	97. Chapter 97

Severus knew that, realistically, it was only a matter of time before the potion caused a total mental breakdown, and after that, it would be only a matter of time before his body broke down entirely.

Umbridge poured some of the liquid down his throat. Fear. Fear would be first. Then, he would hallucinate. God knows how horrible the hallucinations would be for him. So many things tortured him already.

"Are you prepared to talk yet?"

Severus, occluding heavily, trying to stave off the effects of the potion, said nothing.

Umbridge clicked her tongue. "Do you know how much I have of this potion? I don't think you understand." She walked to the bed in the dingy hotel room and opened a small case. Inside it, she revealed to him, were dozens of vials of the same emerald colored potion.

 _Fuck._ Snape didn't trust his shields that much. He didn't know what would come out of his mouth under that kind of duress. He focused on Hermione. What time was it? Is she awake? Is she already aware that he's gone?

He glanced around the room for some sort of sign of the time of day. He hadn't felt Hermione trying to reach out to him in his mind, but his shields were heavy at the moment, and he probably wouldn't have noticed. He had never, in all of his life, feared the way he was fearing this situation. Fearing that he could die. That he could break. That he could give up Hermione's location and get her killed, her parents killed.

He reached out to her desperately as the potion began to take control. His heart began to race.

 _Hermione..._

 **Severus! Where are you?**

 _I don't know._

 **Tell me anything.**

 _Hotel. Run-down. Umbridge. Yaxley. Greyback._

 **Did they apparate you?**

 _Yes._

 **Far?**

 _I don't think so._

 **We will find you.**

"What're you doing, Snape? Are you communicating with her?" Umbridge's beady eyes raked over his face.

He glared at her. How could she know? His heart was pounding in his chest.

"Grab him. Pack. We're taking him back to England. It might not be a permanent solution, but it will stall them. At least it will buy us more time. Perhaps we can get answers then. We can formulate a plan. We must think long term," She told Yaxley and Greyback. Greyback looked positively feral. _They're going to tear my arm off entirely._

Umbridge yanked Snape's head back by his hair, and Yaxley forced his lips to part. She poured more of the burning potion down his throat. _Fuck._ Yaxley hauled Snape to his feet, and Umbridge steadied him while Greyback finished with the bag on the bed, and then handed it to her. She stepped away from Snape, and Greyback grabbed his elbow.

"Wait," The werewolf growled. He sniffed the air.

"What? What is it?" Umbridge asked impatiently in a high pitched voice.

"My wolf," Greyback smiled dangerously. His yellow eyes looked to the door as it burst open and revealed a rather wild looking Remus Lupin. He was alone. _Fuck. Of course he got here faster._

Snape's former classmate looked at him, and then growled low and deep. Greyback lunged at him, binding his ankles quickly with a slash of his wand, but Lupin was faster, more deft in his curse choice. Greyback was slashed from right collarbone to left hip, and fell bleeding and twitching to the floor. Lupin stumbled back away from Greyback.

"No!" Umbridge screamed as she touched her hand to Snape's elbow and Greyback's foot and disapparated all of them.

"Severus!" He heard Lupin scream and saw, through the haze of fear and pain, the man reach to grab him.

Umbridge didn't stay to try to fight Lupin. She knew that it had been futile. She had to have order. She had a plan. She had an agenda. She always did. Severus was dropped unceremoniously onto a tiled floor. As she and Yaxley tended quickly to Greyback's now severely splinched wound, Severus blinked furiously. His vision was blurry, his arm was burning in pain, and he was beginning to hallucinate.

 _Lily._

 _No._

 _No._

There were two Lilys. One was lying in the corner on the far side of the room away from his torturers. That Lily was lying exactly as the real Lily had been on that fateful Halloween night 17 years earlier. She had the same empty and unseeing gaze. Her face was pale, and her body was twisted as she had fallen. The second Lily looked very much alive, very much like Severus had seen her when he'd used the Resurrection Stone. But her eyes... Those eyes were full of fury.

 _Hermione..._ His consciousness clawed for hers.

 **Where?!**

 _England._

"Look what you did to me, Severus. We were supposed to be friends." Lily's voice sounded the same, but it was hardened. Cold.

"No..." Severus whimpered. He looked away from her, away from both versions of her, to the bloody scene on the other side of the tiled large kitchen.

Umbridge and Yaxley were working quickly on Greyback's wounds. Greyback was barely conscious as Yaxley turned to Severus.

"You! You know how to fix this! It's your spell!"

Severus blinked. Then, he looked at Fenrir. "He's splinched."

Umbridge, recognizing the value that Greyback held for her - his loyal and large pack of werewolves - turned on Snape angrily. "You will tell us the spell, Snape!" She grabbed Severus' hair and pulled. Severus yelped and he could see the standing Lily staring at him. Her arms were crossed.

"You killed me, Severus. You say you loved me. Our day I was your best friend. You say I was your only friend. And yet you killed me."

"No..." Severus whined.

"No! What do you mean 'no,' Snape?!" Umbridge screeched.

"You gave him more of that fucking potion! He doesn't know what's real and what's not!" Yaxley growled and pulled Severus by his coat over to Greyback. "Focus, you fucking traitorous piece of shit."

Snape looked down at Greyback and nearly hurled. The man was white from blood loss. His body was torn open from splinching and from Sectumsempra. His blood had pooled under his body and all over the tile floor. Severus could feel it soaking through his pants.

"What is the spell?" Yaxley demanded.

Snape's mouth felt very dry. Lily was yelling at him from corner. He closed his eyes tightly. "Vulnera Sanentur."

Yaxley immediately started the incantation. It didn't work. He looked at Snape expectantly.

"Sung. It has to be sung. Three times."

"I'll do it. Take him to the cellar." Umbridge kneeled down and began to murmur the spell in a sing-song voice.

Yaxley pulled Snape off the floor and dragged him down the basement steps. Every time he opened his eyes, Lily was standing before him. He was bound to a chair and that chair was then bound to the concrete wall.

He stood before Severus and muttered some incantations over him. Probably sticking charms, charms preventing apparition. Like he could even apparate. The other wizard shoved more potion down Snape's throat, to keep him teetering on the brink of insanity. Looking over him once more, Yaxley nodded and disappeared upstairs.

Severus hung his head and he slumped forward in the chair as best as he could. He knew Lily had followed him.

"Severus Tobias, you look at me right now. You owe me that much," Her voice cut through him like razor blades.

He whimpered and opened his tired and heavy eyes to find her form. She was standing before him. "You're pathetic."

"I'm so sorry, Lil," He said and his voice broke. Instantly, he sounded 16 again.

"Your apologies mean nothing. You killed me. You killed my husband. You nearly killed my son once, and you sent him to his death a second time," She spat angrily.

The hatred in her eyes twisted inside Severus like a hot knife. "I'm sorry. Please."

"You should have died instead of us. We were good. You were nothing, Snivellus. Nothing," She growled angrily.

"I know. I would've. I swear..." The tears streamed down his face. His eyes squeezed shut as he tried to block out the hallucinations.

"You killed your mother too," Lily said.

Snape shook his head vigorously. "She was ill. She repressed her magic."

"Her only son, her only heir, abandoned her."

"She wouldn't leave him," Snape whined.

"She couldn't. She'd already lost all of her inheritance. She had no support system. She had a child to consider. You really care so little for mothers," Her face grew colder. "Yet, you think about making Hermione one."

Snape sobbed loudly at the The thought, at the cruelty of her words. "I would've supported her. There's always another way..."

"Is there? Where was mine? Where was my other way?" Lily mused. "Oh, right. You _stole_ that from me."

"No," Severus begged. "Please. No. Black was a better option. He would've... he would've never betrayed you."

"And he would have died, as he eventually did," Lily spat.

"Please. I'm sorry. You forgave me."

"I forgave you? I could _never_ forgive you."

"Please, God, stop?" He pleaded.

"God? God? Where was God when you called me a filthy mudblood? Where was God when you overheard the prophecy that got my husband and me killed? If God was real, if he was merciful like the muggles believe, you would be dead. Not us."

He was weeping as he stared at her, whining like a child, pleading for relief.

"You've killed Hermione, too," Lily said solemnly.

Severus dark eyes shot up to see Lily staring down at the floor. On the cold, damp floor, he saw Lily's body, as he had the night she had died, and next to that body... Next to her body was Hermione's. She was laid out in an almost mirrored way to Lily's. Her whiskey eyes were unseeing and cloudy, like Lily's emerald ones. She was dead. She was dead too. The room was spinning rapidly. He gagged and vomited up a little bit of stomach acid onto his chest, and then he howled his grief and regret into the abyss of the seemingly endless torture before his consciousness slowly faded to black.

 _"I wanted to tell her everything, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently, maybe I'd be there with you now instead of here. Maybe... if I'd said, 'I'm so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything,' maybe that would have made the impossible possible. Maybe, but I couldn't do it, I had buried too much too deeply inside me. And here I am, instead of there." ~ Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close_


	98. Chapter 98

When Severus woke up, he realized he'd been moved. Looking down, he saw his left arm had been heavily taped to the arm of the chair. His sleeve had been cut away, exposing his Mark, and there was an IV drip. Following the cord up to his left, he saw an IV bag filled with that _fucking_ potion.

He slammed his head back into the wall and tried furiously to free his arm. His eyes were closed. He didn't want to see Lily's body, or Hermione's, and he didn't want to see what else would be there now.

How had someone managed to do this without him knowing? Had they enchanted his sleep? Had the potion done that much damage that he was that exhausted? He felt terrible. His shoulder was loud in its angry protests of his torture, and he was sore all over. A pounding headache filled his ears.

Suddenly, there was a shifting sound in the cellar. _Fuck. Fuck._

His black eyes combed the scene before him. It was dark in the cellar. The only light came from up the stairs and it was a dim light at best. He heard the shuffling again, but it was closer to him this time.

He shifted and tried to free his ankles from the binds. "Who's there?"

Harry Potter appeared before his eyes and Severus violently tried to push himself away from the boy, thinking he was surely another hallucination. "No." He saw Lily standing in the corner over Harry's shoulder.

"Severus... Severus..." Harry put a finger over his lips. "Where are Hermione and the others?"

He looked wide eyed at Harry. "Are you... Real?" Severus' voice is was a hoarse whisper.

Harry, glancing at the IV drip, nodded emphatically. "I... had a dream. My mum... She showed me you. Showed me this house. This street. I figured you'd all been taken. Hermione's not here?"

 _Lily_. She had forgiven him. She had communicated to her son in the only way she possibly could have that Severus, her childhood best friend, was in need of help. The hallucination Lily frowned deeply.

"No, thankfully," Severus whispered. "Are you alone?"

Harry shook his head. "Ron's disillusioned upstairs looking for your wand. It's 3am. Draco's here. We ran into him on our way off the grounds. They're disillusioned. Looking for you lot. Cmon. Let's get you out."

Severus stared at him. The stairs creaked and Potter stood in front of Snape protectively.

"Just me," Ron said as he took the charm off of his body. He held up Snape's ebony wand. "Suppose you've been missing this," He said and his blue eyes travelled over Severus' form. "Bloody hell. What have they done to you?"

Harry pointed toward the IV. "That's... The Emerald Potion. The... Despair... Isn't it?" Harry looked horrified.

Severus closed his eyes slowly and nodded. Ron gasped and said, "Blimey, I didn't know it still existed. I thought You-Know-Who only made it that once..."

"Severus?" Harry asked in a very calm voice. "Are there other people in the room with us?" He nodded once and opened his eyes. Onyx eyes met emerald.

"You don't deserve his kindness. You never did. You're pathetic. Weak," Lily said from behind Harry. "You deserve this."

Snape whimpered, "I know. I know."

"Know what?" Ron asked softly.

Harry grimaced. "We've got to get him out of here." He cut at the binds on Severus' ankles magically with his wand, then moved to his right hand. Ron was carefully working on the arm that had the IV attached to it.

Severus hissed when he was freed finally, and his right hand flew to his left arm and he yanked out the IV. Blood spurted from his arm and Ron and Harry stepped back and paled significantly. He looked at Ron and held his hand out for his wand.

Ron gave it to Snape reluctantly. The wild look in those black eyes was terrifying. He was sweating, twitchy, and he kept whimpering intermittently as his hallucinations criticized him.

Severus relished the feel of his wand in his hand and he could feel all of the dark magic within him coursing through his veins. _Oh, yes. Revenge is going to be so sweet._

"We should be able to get through this window," Ron said examining one of the two windows in the cellar.

"Get yourselves out," Severus said lowly and walked toward the stairs.

"What the fuck? How d'you expect us to explain that to Mione?" Ron whispered angrily.

"Tell her. Go."

"Severus, no!" Harry demanded, but Snape disappeared up the steps silently. As he stood in the tiled kitchen, he saw a silver stag Patronus bounding across the lawn. Greyback's mess had been cleaned up. There was no sign that any injury had bled there at all. A stair creaked behind him, and Snape turned on the spot. His wand was under Harry's chin quicker than lightning and then he released the breath he'd sucked in.

"Fucking hell."

"I can't let you go it alone. I can't. You're not alone anymore," Harry locked eyes with Severus.

Severus narrowed his eyes, then winced. Lily was standing behind Harry on the steps with a scowl on her haunting face.

"You're nothing, Severus. You deserve to suffer," She said calmly.

"Quite aware. Thank you," Severus whispered bitterly into the void behind Harry.

"She's not real. She's not," Harry said seriously.

Snape turned to head up the hallway. He silenced their footsteps. He came upon Greyback, shirtless and heavily bandaged, first in a spare bedroom on the first floor. He quickly bound and gagged the werewolf, and then silenced him. Levitating him down to the basement, he put him in the chair he himself had just occupied and bound him more intensely than he'd been bound. Greyback's yellow eyes stared daggers at him.

"Stay, dog," Snape growled, and disappeared back upstairs.

"What exactly are you planning?" Harry whispered.

Severus didn't answer, but instead proceeded to the second floor of the house. Finding Yaxley next, he make short work of him, levitating him along down the hallway to the master bedroom, where he found a sleeping oversized toad of a human being. Even when sleeping, she wore that hideous shade of pink.

He bound her, gagged her, and levitated the pair of them in front of him as he made his way back to the cellar. Once there, he dropped them hard onto the stone floor while he conjured two chairs. First, he pinned Umbridge into a chair, and he delighted in how she screamed despite her gag.

Taping her left arm to the arm of the chair, just as he had done Greyback's, and just as they had done to him, Severus focused all of his attention on her. Her eyes widened as she realized his intention. Yaxley began to plead through his gag as Snape turned his attention to him and strapped him into the chair the same way.

He stepped back for a minute and admired his work. Harry, shifting nervously between his two feet, was eyeing Severus carefully. The younger wizard could feel the dark magic radiating off of Severus like waves.

"Severus... What're you doing?"

"Accio Dolores' potion bag!" Severus said with a smirk. The potion bag flew to his hands, and he quickly transfigured three IV drips and inserted them, rather roughly, into each of his torturers. Then, he poured a vial of the potion into each of the bags and watched as the liquid began to drip down the tube into their bloodstreams. Greyback was weak from his injuries, but Yaxley and Umbridge were struggling furiously against their bindings.

"Severus, you don't need to do this..." Harry stepped toward his professor.

"Severus!?" He heard Hermione's voice upstairs. He paused for a moment, and then turned very calmly to Harry.

"Leave," He said coldly. "I have no desire for you to see this."

"No," Harry said firmly. "I won't go."

Severus, looking at Lily behind her son, cocked his head. "Very well."

Harry's eyes went huge as Snape crossed his arms as best as he could with his re-injured shoulder, and stared at his captives.

"Down here!" Harry called loudly up the steps. "He's losing it."

Severus didn't flinch at Harry's words. The fact that he was hallucinating the dead boy's mother was proof enough of the boy's words. He felt the seductive darkness in his magical core creeping out into every cell in his body. Lupin stumbled down the steps loudly, and Hermione was right behind him.

"Severus!" She shouted. He didn't turn to look at her. The dark inside of him was too consuming, and he wasn't entirely sure she wasn't another hallucination.

"Severus..." Lupin said lowly, but then he saw the scene before the Defense professor and growled a deep and throaty growl. Severus saw, out if the corner of his eye, Lupin outstretch his arm to keep Hermione from approaching Snape. Something changed in the air, and darkness began to vibrate off of Lupin's body.

"Severus, please," She pleaded. "This isn't you. You don't need to play this part anymore."

Lily laughed darkly from corner. "You're already a murderer, Severus. What's three more next to all of this?"

Severus' black eyes travelled to the dark corner where she stood. On the cellar floor surrounding her were multiple bodies, multiple failures on Severus' part, all of his greatest regrets. Lily. Albus. His mother. His father. Charity Burbage. Fred Weasley. Colin Creevey. His fears were also there, in the cruelty of Lily's words, and in Hermione's lifeless body.

He turned back to Umbridge with a dark smile on his face. "Remus, take them away."

Remus' eyes were feral and yellow as he stared at Greyback. He was practically foaming at the mouth. Lupin turned on the two younger wizards quickly, disarming them effortlessly, and dragging up the steps. The werewolf inside of him made him far stronger than the scrawny pair of them.

"Severus!" Hermione screamed. "Look at me!" She pleaded as she fought Remus' grip. "This isn't you! I know you! This isn't you! It's the potion."

"You know nothing," He said as he stared at her coldly. The tears streamed down her face.

"Kingsley's here! You won't get away with this! Don't, Snape! Don't ruin your life over them!" Harry shouted.

He heard Lupin slam the door closed and listened as he magically barricaded it. It wasn't a permanent solution, but it bought them time. Remus reappeared at Snape's side. Severus met his yellowed gaze, and nodded sharply.

Lupin walked up next to Fenrir and squeezed hard on the IV bag and smiled as the liquid poured into the tube. He was in the weakest state, so the potion affected him much more quickly. Within a minute, he was screaming apologies at whatever hallucinations stood before him.

"You're a murderer," Lily said from behind him. Severus stepped forward and squeezed Umbridge's bag, and then Yaxley's. Hermione's frantic screams sounded so far away as she pounded in the door and tried spell after spell. He could hear other voices upstairs as well.

"You killed my wife. You killed my son's mother," Remus spit on Fenrir's face, eliciting an angry but weak growl from the werewolf. "You killed my childhood. You ruined my life." He dragged his wand down the bandages on Greyback's torso, tearing open the freshly knitted wound. The alpha roared in agony.

Severus' attention was drawn to Yaxley and Umbridge, who had begun to squirm in their seats, their eyes widened in fear, and they began to whimper.

The cellar door exploded into a hundred pieces or more and the Minister of Magic stormed down the steps and stopped dead in his tracks as he took in the scene before him. He held up a large hand to stop his Aurors from following him.

"Muffliato," Shacklebolt whispered. "What in the _fuck_ are you two doing?"

Lupin turned to Kingsley wide-eyed, and Severus' mouth became suddenly became very dry. He looked around, dazed and confused. The two men seemed to be observing the scene around them with clarity for the first time, as if a curtain had been lifted in their minds.

Draco stepped out from behind Shacklebolt. "Severus, you talked to me about choices. You have a choice right now. What you did before doesn't matter. You're unwell, but you have a choice right now. It's your choices. Let me help you. Like you helped me."

Kingsley, recognizing the trauma the two men had experienced, spoke very calmly and slowly. "Neither of you have done anything we cannot fix. You have been through hell, both of you. This is a response to trauma. We can get you through this, but we have to get you both help. Come with me now, and we can get through this."

Severusblooked toward the corner and saw no bodies. No Lily. Remus looked around frantcially. Their breathing increased loudly and rapidly. Kingsley spoke again, in the same calm voice, "It's okay. It's okay. Don't turn around. Walk toward me. We will go upstairs. What happened was not within your control, and it's not justice. We will get the right kind of justice for you. I swear it. Just walk toward me." The professors obeyed. For the first time, the damage done to both of these men was blatantly apparent. "We're coming up," Kingsley informed the Aurors at the top of the steps. "You can come down and detain these three."

Severus was shaking all over as he stepped into the kitchen. Hermione was sobbing as she approached him. Harry cradled Lupin as the werewolf collapsed to the floor in a fit of tears.

Snape slid down against the wall to the tile, and Hermione held his face in her hands as she whispered his name over and over. He was so very tired, so sore. He had never, in the whole of his life, felt more broken.

"What have I done?" He whined.

" _Some people's lives seem to flow in a narrative; mine had many stops and starts. That's what trauma does. It interrupts the plot. You can't process it because it doesn't fit with what came before or what comes afterward. A friend of mine, a soldier, put it this way. In most of our lives, most of the time, you have a sense of what is to come. There is a steady narrative, a feeling of "lights, camera, action" when big events are imminent. But trauma isn't like that. It just happens, and then life goes on. No one prepares you for it." ~ Denial: A Memoir of Terror_


	99. Chapter 99

At the Ministry of Magic, Severus and Remus were interrogated extensively. Severus was suffering in the aftermath of the potion. Duty called for Kingsley to investigate whether or not there were charges to be pursued or not. Because of the pending investigation, Severus and Remus were both placed on house arrest, and had admonitors placed around their wrists. The Ministry would be alerted any time they used their magic.

Minerva was summoned to the Ministry and, after having the situation explained to her, Kingsley said, "Neither professor is allowed back on Hogwarts property until the conclusion of the investigation. Thankfully, it is only a week until the holiday break. The investigation should be complete by the start of term in January."

Severus and Remus, sitting on the other side of the table next to each other, were crestfallen and silent. Both of them, especially Severus, looked terrible. Their eyes were sunken and bloodshot. Stubble splattered over their faces.

"Remus, your in-laws have offered to house you. You will do well to remain in the house at all times," Kingsley advised. His brown eyes moved to Severus. "Where will you be staying?"

Severus' eyes shifted nervously. "I have a cottage in Scotland."

"Your admonitors will register there. Write the address for me please."

Severus' trembling hand scribbled on the piece of paper Kingsley had slid across the table to him. He looked at Minerva briefly. She looked very cross. Wincing as he adjusted himself in the seat, Severus averted his gaze.

There was a knock on the door and an Auror poked his head in and said, "Ted Tonks is here for Lupin."

Kingsley nodded. "Remus, I'll walk you out. Minerva, I trust you can escort Severus to his home."

"Oh, yes, Minister," She said curtly. The door closed behind Remus and Kingsley.

"Hermione?" He croaked.

"Hush, not here, boy," She shushed him and pulled at his right arm. He swayed on his feet and she steadied him. "We'll Floo, and you can rest until morning. Then, we'll talk."

He nodded weakly as she led him to the Floo, and he cried out as he stepped out of the fireplace in his cottage. She summoned a pain potion, and a sleeping potion and handed him both. Having very little strength left, he swallowed the potions without a fuss. He collapsed into his bed, mumbling about a small guest bedroom down the hall. Vaguely, he was aware of Minerva's wand moving his body, cleaning him with magic, and transfiguring his clothes into pajamas.

When he awoke the next morning, he felt like he had the worst hangover he'd ever had in his entire life. He struggled to get out of bed, and his arm was stiff and hurt badly. He stood, and wandered out into the sitting room. Minerva was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea set across from her for him.

He sat slowly, and eyed her carefully. "Where is Hermione?" He asked. His eyes searched her body language and facial expression. Minerva's lips twitched and her blue eyes focused anywhere but on his face.

She set her jaw, and then pulled a folded piece of paper from her robe. She handed it to Severus. Her eyes were full of tears.

" _Where_ is Hermione?" He asked again. Panic began to sleep into his bones. He looked at the letter.

"It's not permanent, Severus," Minerva whispered.

His stomach twisted hard and he grabbed the letter. Trembling fingers opened the piece of paper. He recognized Hermione's handwriting immediately, and he fought the urge to vomit.

 _Severus,_

 _I know that I should have spoken to you face to face, but I also know, in my heart of hearts, that I wouldn't have been able to do that. The last two days have been absolute hell, Severus. I looked for you frantically. I was worried sick. I had no idea what they would do to you. Honestly, I still don't know what you went through, but I have a pretty good idea now._

 _When I saw you in the cellar, when I saw what you had done to Umbridge, and Yaxley, and Greyback, I was terrified. That's something you have never made me feel in our time together. I have felt the darkness within you before, and I have sensed the Dark Magic that your Mark has tainted your magical core before. It wasn't just feeling that radiating off of you again. It was the fact that you would not listen to me._

 _You were intent on hurting them. I know the grief they've caused you, the grief they've caused Remus. I know what they've done to his family. I cannot imagine how scared you were, how hard you fought against them, to keep me safe, and the fact of that is not lost on me. I assure you. But, Severus... You were going to hurt them. Maybe even kill them. You were determined. You told me that I know nothing about you. You were adamant. You used magic against Yaxley, Greyback, and Umbridge. You both did._

 _How do I reconcile that man with the man that takes care of me when I'm ill? With the man that rubs my feet, or brings me flowers, or comforts me and holds me when I'm upset? With the man that says he wants to marry me and have children with me? With the man who has nightmares nearly every night and looks to me for comfort, and with the man who has grown so much in the last couple of years?_

 _You have so much trauma in your past, my love, and that's not at all your fault._ _I don't know what to do, Severus, and I'm heartbroken over that fact. I love you, more than anything in the world, but I need some time to think. I don't feel like I can trust you right now, and I feel gutted, but that was... Wrong. What you did to them was wrong. I know that I can forgive you, that I can forgive Remus, that I can trust you both again, but I need some time to myself to sort things out in my head. I'm so sorry that this will hurt you, that you need me right now, but to be of any worth to you, or to our relationship, I need to sort things out inside of myself first._

 _You are a good man, and I know that. You are the man I love, and I know that. You are the man I want to marry, and I know that. I know that you are scared that this is permanent, but I swear to you that it isn't. I just need time to wrap my mind around all of this, and I'm so sorry it probably feels like I am abandoning you. We will talk. I want to understand, but I need to be in a better space before I approach that. I hope you can understand that._

 _I love you,_

 _Hermione_

Severus dropped the letter from his hands to the table. He was shaking all over and all of the color had drained from his face. His chest hurt, and he felt nauseous. Minerva tried to catch his eyes, but his were unseeing.

"Severus?" She asked carefully.

"I lost her," He said hoarsely.

"No. No, Severus. That's not what she said," Minerva insisted.

"You read it?!" He looked horrified.

"She asked me to, so that I would know what it contained and what it didn't. It's not final. It's time apart."

He turned a bit green. "I've really fucked it all up, haven't I?"

"You didn't make the best choice. You didn't make the legal choice. But, lad, you mustn't be too hard on yourself. You weren't in your right mind. Your decision making ability was compromised. Compile the torture you'd just endured with the traumas in your past and you've got quite a train wreck." She reaches across the table for his hand and he flinched at her touch but didn't pull away.

"I lost her..."

"No," Minerva tried to interrupt him.

"I fucked up, and I lost her, just like I fucked up and lost everyone else. I stayed and the darkness in me made Lupin stay. It touched the darkest and most broken parts of his soul and it controlled him like it controlled me, and it's my fault. I chose all those years ago to take the darkness into me. It's my fault. I fucked up, and I should have died. I should've died a thousand times."

"You are stronger than this now. You are stronger than all of this now. You must rise above this. What you did was wrong, yes. Do we understand why you did what you did? Yes, and probably more than you do. Does that mean it's okay? No. But you've got a choice in front of you now, my boy."

"I lost her. I lost her." He spun the admonitor on his left wrist slowly, and then did the same to the one on his right.

"Look at me, Severus," She said sternly. "You cannot self-destruct now. You have come so far from where you were. You can't keep choosing to destroy yourself. You can't keep hanging onto all of this guilt. You need to get your shit together, lad."

"I'M TRYING! I have had to hold my shit together so tightly since before I went to Hogwarts, Minerva! I can't be wound like top like I was then. Everyone is asking for me to walk this damned tightrope - let go, hold on, keep it in, let it out, be vulnerable, be strong. Fucking hell. I am trying to let go of the guilt. There's quite a lot of it, in case you hadn't bloody well noticed. I am trying to heal. I'm trying. It's all I've done for her, for me, for us." The tears stung his eyes. He stood and turned from her, tangling his right hand in his hair. His left arm pulsed hard.

She stood and walked around the table and wrapped him in her arms. He wasn't perfect, and he'd done something horrible. Now, he would have to deal with the repercussions of his mistake, despite however deserved what he did might have been. Minerva knew in her heart that he wouldn't be prosecuted, that it was a lapse in mental sanity, but she feared very much for him nonetheless. He trembled in her arms as she smoothed circles over his back with her palm.

 _"Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean." ~ Brave New World_


	100. Chapter 100

Author: Phew! I have divided the masses. You will probably be mad at me again... But I just write what comes...

Harry slammed his hands down on the table In the library across from Hermione, dragging her quickly out of her trance.

Harry?!" She exclaimed, startled.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?" He yelled at her in the otherwise silent library. Ginny's eyes went wide as she stood between Harry and Ron.

"Blimey, Harry," Ron warned. "Muffliato!"

"I've just gone to see Severus. You know, your partner, who was just tortured for two days straight. It was funny, because I expected to see you there, but McGonagall was with him. I asked him where you were..." Harry's face was red in rage.

Hermione's eyes widened. "What did he say?"

"Oh, that's just is, isn't it?" Harry spat. "He didn't say anything against you, but we know he wouldn't, don't we? He's a perfect gentleman when discussing you. Never saying a word against you. Always defending you. Keeping your private life private. But this time... He said... Nothing!" Harry said angrily. "Which tells me that you've gone totally mental and left him alone in it."

"Harry, he scared me... He was using magic against them. He was... torturing them."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Hermione, that Severus snapped and acted irrationally after being tortured," Harry growled.

"Mione, you're not being very fair to him. I mean, I know he's Snape, believe me, but... They tortured him for two days. Anyone would snap after that. We'd all jump at the chance to return the favor if it were us. Would you abandon us?" Ron said. "Snape is scary. You should've known that by now, surely. This is different."

"You both don't understand... Seeing the person you're with do that to another person, feeling magic that dark radiating off of him... I just need some time to deal with it all. It's not permanent. I think I deserve time."

"You do realize that they had him strapped to a chair, Hermione, right?" Harry asked. His eyes were hard. "They had him strapped to a chair in a nasty cellar, with an IV drip in his arm that was dripping the bloody Potion of Despair into his arm continuously. You do realize this, yes?"

"What?" Her eyes widened again. "That's why he..."

"That's why he put the IV in their arms. That's what they did to him. For two days, Mione," Ron said. "It's not right. He wasn't right to do that. But I'd honestly be more worried if he hadn't reacted badly toward them. Yeah, Snape's scary. We've known this for years. He knows a lot of Dark magic, and he's got some serious skeletons in his closet, but he was with us, in the end. He's been good to you as far as we can tell."

Hermione looked between Harry and Ron. If these two, especially Ron, were so adamant that she had made a mistake and leaving Severus alone in the immediate aftermath of this ordeal, then she had clearly messed up. Hermione looked to Ginny.

Ginny shrugged and frowned. "Look, I don't know Snape like you lot, but the man is complicated. He took care of me when I was hurt. He protected me, as best as he could - at great risk to himself, mind you. He's done some truly horrible things, yeah, and he's done some truly amazing things - for me, for you, for everyone. He isn't black and white. You've said as much yourself many times, and they were torturing him... To try to get to you. And Remus. Remus and Severus didn't make the right decisions, but they weren't in their right minds. It's more complex than only right or only wrong." She stopped for a moment and struggled to find the right words. "All I know is that mum and dad have stuck by each other through thick and thin, good and bad. At the end of it all, all you've got is that other person, that one teammate for life." She touched her arm to Harry's back and Potter slid his arm around her waist.

"He wasn't in his right mind, Mione," Ron said emphatically. "His eyes were wild looking, glazed over. He looked like shite. Probably hadn't been fed or given water, he'd been hallucinating Merlin knows what for two days, and he was probably scared out of his mind..."

Harry grimaced at the thought, knowing, at least in part, what the man had been seeing and hearing. "I don't think he likes what he's done either. I don't think he knew fully what he was doing when he was doing it. I don't think he understands, or maybe even remembers everything clearly."

"I was afraid of him..." She admitted and tears stung her eyes.

"He would never do anything to hurt you, Hermione. Surely, you are confident of that?" Harry asked.

"It doesn't change the fact that I was afraid. Of him. Because of what he was doing to another human being. He said I knew nothing! After all of this time!"

"I'm sure he knows what he did was wrong. I'm sure he knows he hurt you, scared you, and I'm sure he's feeling like complete and utter shite over it all. And that's on top of how he would've been otherwise feeling after being tortured for two days straight. He's sitting there with nothing else to do but think. He's got admonitors on his wrists. He's suspended from Hogwarts, from teaching. He's got nothing to do but hate himself," Ginny said.

"Ron and I were scared too, Hermione," Harry said. "We were terrified. He was scary. You're absolutely right to have been scared, but you must put it all into perspective. The difference for us is that we were more scared for him than of him, scared for what he'd been through, that he couldn't check himself, that we couldn't get through to him, scared that he would do something he couldn't ever take back. If you really love him, you wouldn't leave him alone in this like you have done. This can be something that you both grow from. He needs help, and you do as well. That's what we're trying to do."

"Did he tell you to come gang up on me?" Hermione asked defiantly.

Ron's ears went pink, and Harry narrowed his eyes dangerously, but Ginny cut them both off. "Before you lot go on and blow your friendship to Hell, let's keep in mind we have all been through a lot over the last couple of years - Hermione included. All of us are damaged and traumatized. Picking at each other won't help anyone. But, Hermione, if you truly think that's what we're doing here, that we're ganging up on you, rather than helping you not damage yourself and someone else more, then you are capable of a selfishness I would have never imagined." With that, she pulled Ron and Hermione away by their arms and disappeared from sight.

Hermione sat in the library for an hour mulling over their words. Could it be possible that she had been selfish in her decision? Didn't she have a right to be selfish? She was right to be afraid. Nobody had denied that. But Severus... Oh, Severus. She hadn't seen him tied up. She hadn't seen the potion dripping into his arm. She had barely time to look him over before he was hauled off to the Ministry. Now, he was alone. Tended by the closest person to a mother he had, and left by his partner. Now, he was sitting with cuffs on his wrists that monitored him constantly.

 **Oh, Severus...**

She walked from the library to his private quarters and Floo'd to his cottage. When she stepped out of the hearth, she was stopped by Minerva.

"What the devil are you doing?" She whispered harshly.

"I shouldn't... No matter what, I shouldn't have left him alone."

"You know I care very much for you, but I have just talked him off the ledge for the second time today. If you've come here to have it out with him, I'm not sure I can allow it," Minerva said firmly. She looked exhausted and worried.

"No. I haven't. I've come to be here for him. If he'll have me." She spoke softly to Minerva.

"You've no idea how he's been, what happened. Don't be harsh with him. He's unwell." Her eyes were watery. "I understand where you were coming from, but tread lightly, Hermione." Her voice was a very quiet whisper. "He's not himself."

Severus stepped out from the darkness of the hallway. "I'm not a child, Minerva."

Hermione stared at her broken lover and her heart ached for him tremendously. "How'd you..."

"I felt a shift in my wards at Hogwarts, and then I felt a shift here. It could only be you," He said evenly. His dark eyes stared at her in a way that almost looked like disbelief.

Minerva disappeared down the hallway into the guest bedroom, and Hermione gestured to the couch, and then the table. "Do you want to sit?"

Severus didn't move an inch. "Why are you here?"

As she looked at him, she didn't think he looked angry, or that he sounded particularly angry. "I shouldn't have left."

He was wearing a loose fitting T-shirt, black loose trousers, and he was barefoot. She caught a glimpse of his left arm. Behind the Dark Mark was an enormous and swollen bruise where an insane trio had stabbed an IV into his arm. Her stomach twisted. The admonitors on his wrist were a reality he didn't deserve and one that she hated to see.

"I understand why you did," He said plainly. His posture was stiff, but his hands were trembling.

"I'm sorry, Severus."

He said nothing. His eyes were moving over her rapidly and his jaw was twitching. She could see a million thoughts running through his tired and damaged mind. She took a cautious step toward him, and he flinched visibly.

"I did not mean to scare you. Whatever you think of me now, you can rest assured in that fact. I am sorry for what I did, for the act itself. I am sorry for how it affected you, and us. I know I have damaged things irreparably." His voice was even despite his obvious emotional distress.

She wiped a stray tear from her eye and nodded. "It's not irreparable."

His breath hitched visibly in his chest. He held up his shaking hands. "This is not the kind of man you should be with."

She shook her head. "It won't stick. None of it. You know that. What happened wasn't you. Not really."

He did not lower his hands as he took two long, slow strides toward her. She could see the circles under his eyes more clearly, the frown lines on the corners of his mouth, and the stress crease on his forehead. "What happened _was_ me. Was I rational? No. Was I in complete control of myself? No. Did I know it was wrong? Yes. I had to have known it was wrong because I had enough sense to tell Potter and Weasley to leave, to express that I had no desire for them to witness my insanity. It makes little sense, I admit, but it _was_ me. It was a part of me that has plagued me my entire life. A part of me as real as the me you are talking with now." He looked down his nose at her and slowly lowered his hands to his sides.

"What happened will be sorted out. Kingsley will be thorough in his investigation, and you and Remus will both be cleared. Everyone knows it. It doesn't matter," She said firmly.

"It does matter," He drawled slowly. His black eyes were flat and cold. He stepped back from her and turned to move back down to the hallway. "Go, Hermione, and be everything you could never be if you tied yourself, tied your life, to me. I am irrevocably in love with you. But I am not the man you deserve, and neither of us should go on pretending and hoping against all odds that I could be, or am, or someday would be. Go, Hermione, and do not return."

 _"I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it's just too much. The current's too strong. They've got to let go, drift apart." ~ Never Let Me Go_


	101. Chapter 101

Minerva appeared in the doorway of the guest bedroom as Severus heard the Floo ignite.

"Oh, Severus..." She put a shaking hand over her mouth.

"I need you to deliver a message to Lupin," He said calmly.

"Severus, are you alright?"

His dark eyes flickered. "I need you to go to Lupin for me. I need you to deliver a message."

"What message?"

His eyes moved over her face. "I cast the curse on Greyback."

Minerva's eyes narrowed. "What?"

"It was me. All of it."

"You... You're going to take the blame for all of it?" Minerva's mouth dropped open. "No. Neither of you were in your right minds. He... They did horrible things to him. They held him for over a month and tortured him. They murdered his wife. He saw them, and he lost his mind, just as you did. Neither of you are truly at fault. There's no reason for you to take the blame."

"You will do this for me."

"Why?" She stared at him angrily.

"He has a child. His child needs a father. Remus has no... No idea what he did. He isn't like me. He doesn't have that tendency in him. He snapped."

"So did you."

"Please," He said. "I will get away with it. You and I both know I will, but Remus... He doesn't have the reputation I have. He wouldn't survive a scandal like this. Everything about me is scandal. This would just another thing to add to my tab."

Minerva's jaw twitched. "No. You will not take the blame."

"I can, and I will."

"Remus won't go for it, Severus. You know that," She shook her head slowly.

"A SON NEEDS HIS FATHER!" He shouted. His whole body was shivering. "A son needs his father, or he ends up like me." And then, he broke into a thousand pieces before her.

"Oh, my boy," She whispered as she gathered him into her arms. Minerva stroked the back of his head gently as he wept.

"Remus is as damaged as you are, as the rest of us are. He was a lonely boy, isolated from the world. He was brilliant, but untrusting, and frightened of his own shadow. He's been ostracized, questioned, ridiculed, and doubted his entire life. He is more like you than you realize. The only difference is that he ended up on the other end of a relationship with James and Sirius." Her voice was soft and comforting in away Severus had needed his entire life.

"I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to be punished. He's not like me in that way. He isn't... Dark. He isn't tainted," Severus said as he ran a hand through his hair. "He has a child."

"Severus... You cannot continue take the weight of the world onto your shoulders."

He stared at her as if it was the first time he had ever truly heard that everything was _not_ his fault. Since he was a child, he was a game of tug-of-war in a loveless marriage. His mother was too weak to love him as he had deserved, and his dad blamed him for his magic, for his "strangeness." It was implied In so many ways that he had been the reason for their marital issues. Since he was 20, he had been manipulated by Dumbledore - constantly reminded of his role in Lily and James Potter's deaths, constantly reminded of his love for her, of his responsibility to her memory, and for his fault in their broken relationship.

Minerva seemed to understand his vulnerability inherently. "It isn't your fault, Severus." She pulled at his arm, walked with him and sat him at the table in the kitchen, and then made tea for the two of them.

She sat across from him quietly as he absorbed the reality of her words. After awhile, she broached the topic of Hermione. "What of your relationship?"

Something flashed behind his eyes. "I have no relationship, do I?" He looked hollow.

"That's it, then? That's the end of the pair of you?"

He looked at her. His gaze was steeled. "I cannot be the man she deserves."

"What about the man she wants?"

Severus pondered that question for a moment. "It's all a bit overwhelming."

"How do you mean?"

"I would've married her, Minerva. Me. Marrying. It's absurd," He scoffed.

"Is it?"

"It bloody well is."

"Why?"

"Because things don't work for me like that. I must have missed that class in school - remedial relationships." He rolled his eyes. "She loves the idea of me. The reality of me is much different."

"It's not, Severus. You live your life as if these parts of you, the Dark and Light, are separate entities. You treat these aspects of you as if they are immiscible, but it's not how it works. When we look at you, the people that love you, we see the sum of you. Mistakes, triumphs, strengths, weaknesses. We do not see you through heroizing, rose colored glasses. We see you, all of you, and deem you worthy of love and loyalty."

He was quiet for a long time, but Minerva could tell that her words had affected him because he was picking idly at the skin near his thumbnail. She allowed him space to think, but eventually continued. "When you think about, Hermione... What are three of her strengths?"

"Intelligence. Compassion. Determination"

"What of her weaknesses? Three of them?"

"Self-doubt. Timidity. Thinking under pressure."

"Do you love her because of those flaws or in spite of those flaws?"

Severus met her gaze. "Because of them."

"Why would it be any different for her?"

"I have very little strengths comparatively, Minerva. This isn't a game."

"Listen to me...You are intelligent. Brave. Snarky. Discerning. You possess a guilelessness that is refreshing and authentic. Now... You tell me: what makes you a good partner for her aside from what I've said? Keep listing them until I stop you, boy."

Severus shifted uncomfortably in his sit and stroked his teacup with a long finger. "Faithful. Understanding. Attentive. Supportive. Respectful. Honest. I do believe I demonstrate an ability to compromise. Usually."

Minerva smiled and stopped him. "When are truly honest with yourself, you can see the good in you. How can you see these things in yourself, but not believe that she can as well?"

"Minerva... It's..." He struggled to find the words for his emotions. "I'm... Tired."

"Of her?"

"No!" He said quickly. "No, but I need... She... Her leaving put some things into perspective. I am tired. All the time. That letter hurt. It _hurts._ I..."

Minerva had suspected that. "You need time."

He grimaced, and the nodded. "It's all very complex. I am not angry with her."

"What do you feel?"

"I do not trust that she is certain about me, the reality of me."

"You doubt that she loves you?"

"No. I do not doubt that she loves me, but I doubt that she is sure of me. It isn't something she has said. It isn't not really any one thing that she has done. It's a feeling, but it's pervasive. It's a tightrope I cannot walk anymore. To balance what I want, which is her, so desperately every day of forever, with what I think is best for her in this moment, which is for her to come to a place of absolute certainty within herself, first and foremost, and with us." He hadn't realized it, but he had started crying, and he wiped at his face. "It is a journey she must take alone, a decision she must reach on her own."

"And you are certain of her?"

"I have never been more certain of anything in my entire life than I am of her. Her happiness matters more to me than my own. I want her to be happy, to be certain," He choked down his emotion. "Even if it doesn't involve me." Minerva grabbed his hand in hers and stared at him with empathy and understanding in her eyes. "I have fought for her, and I recognize that love is unconditional. My love for her is not dependent upon her love for me, on whatever it is she may decide is best for her. I love her enough to let her go and figure it out. If we reconcile, and Merlin I ache for that, then I do not think anything could ever come between us. If we do not... I love her enough," He said weakly. "I will always love her."

 _"I take no joy in mead nor meat, and song and laughter have become suspicious strangers to me. I am a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings. There is an empty place within me where my heart once was." ~ A Song of Ice and Fire_


	102. Chapter 102

Author's Note: Hello again! One reviewer, Avidprof, asked when Remus was held and tortured... It's mentioned in Chapter 52. Greyback staged his death, killed Tonks, and tortured him to join Greyback's new initiative by feeding him misinformation (his wife was alive, Harry had lost, etc.) Another reviewer, cloudshape to ennien, asked about the quote at the end of the last chapter. It is a thought that Catelyn Stark has about herself at Riverrun after she hears that Rickon and Bran have been killed.

A strange peace washed over Severus like warm rain as he walked into the Ministry, as cameras flashed, as reporters shouted at him, as Aurors escorted him into the building. It had been five days since the incident. He folded his fingers over the cuffs of his sleeves so that the admonitors on his wrists would not be seen. That bit of information had been graciously kept from the press.

So far, the world knew nothing that incriminated either Snape or Lupin. They knew that Severus had been captured, tortured, and that Remus, Potter, Granger, Weasley, Malfoy, and Kingsley, with a host of Aurors at his back, had rescued them.

Once inside the Ministry, Severus was taken downstairs for the investigation. Interviews of the involved parties had been conducted all morning. As Severus stepped off of the elevator, following the two burly Aurors ahead of him, Harry, Ron, Draco, and Hermione went to step into the elevator. The foursome stopped and so did Severus.

The Aurors turned back to him. "You can't talk to them about anything."

Severus met Harry's emerald eyes briefly and clenched his jaw. Seeing Hermione in a context in which she wasn't his was much more difficult than he had anticipated, and he had predicted it would be painful. He glanced at Ron, then Draco, and, very quickly, at Hermione. Her eyes were downcast, puffy, and her cheeks were tear stained.

Moving his black eyes away from her was an action that took nearly all of his strength, but he reinforced his shields and moved away from the group, robes billowing behind him. The calm that he had felt was replaced with an agony he had not felt in many years - the agony of heartbreak.

Using the ferocious grief he felt as fuel for his shields to keep people at a distance, he gritted his teeth as he sat across from Kingsley Shacklebolt. Kingsley eyed him and assessed his bad mood fairly quickly.

"Good afternoon," Kingsley said and flipped his notepad to a page with questions. He tested his pen quickly in the corner.

Severus nodded and said, "Minister."

Kingsley looked up from his pen. "What can you tell me of your abduction?"

Severus' face remained passive, but he remembered clearly the panic he felt. "I was approached from behind, captured, and then taken to a hotel room."

"Who captured you?"

"Fenrir Greyback and Corban Yaxley," Severus' voice was icy.

"What happened once you were in the hotel room?"

"I was cursed at length at the behest of Dolores Umbridge, who was waiting at the hotel."

"Which curse?"

"The Cruciatus," Severus said coldly. Kingsley looked up at him, chocolate eyes full of empathy.

"Who cursed you?"

"Yaxley. At first. I am uncertain as to whether or not anyone else participated in that particular moment."

"What do you remember next?"

"She forced a potion down my throat. Lupin showed up. He must have tracked me more quickly than the others. Greyback attacked him. Lupin fought back. Umbridge grabbed us when Lupin was caught off balance and disapparated us wherever we ended up in England.

"What sort of potion?"

"A particularly unsavory one," Severus said stiffly. Kingsley raised an eyebrow, and Severus answered. "The Potion of Despair."

Shacklebolt's eyes became the size of saucers. "Harry said that's what he thought it was. I thought it was a scary tale told to children. I didn't... I didn't know it was real."

"It is. A creation of the Dark Lord's himself. Once back in England, it was clear that Greyback was injured badly. Splinched and injured from his fight from Lupin. I had to assist in healing him, and then I was tied him in the basement. When I awoke, I had an IV drip in my arm." Severus shrugged his left shoulder gently. "It was dropping more of that potion into my blood."

"Who found you?"

"Potter."

"Was he alone?"

"He had Weasley and Malfoy with him."

"What happened after they found you?"

Severus' eyes dropped to the table between them. It wasn't entirely clear to him what had happened. It felt foggy, fuzzy, and disjointed. "I'm uncertain. I remember some things, some emotions."

"What emotions?"

"Fear. That was the strongest," Severus answered plainly. He _had_ feared for his life, for Hermione's life immensely.

"And then?"

"I..." Severus swallowed. "I sought revenge. I sought a means to an end to the game they'd been playing with me, with the people I love for months."

"Did you feel like you were in total control of your actions?"

"Not entirely, no. I wasn't rational. I couldn't have been. I was hallucinating - not just visually. It was auditory, sensory... Starved. Dehydrated."

"Why hallucinating? The potion?"

Severus grimaced. "Yes. It does exactly what we heard that it did as children."

Kingsley's closed his eyes slowly. "What of Remus Lupin? What do you know of his time with Umbridge's crew? How did he act in that cellar?"

"I know very little of his experiences being a capitve of Umbridge: just that he was manipulated and tortured to try to force him to join their cause. They lied to him about the outcome of the war to pressure him. When he was in the cellar, he was lost in grief, staring at the face of the man who had murdered his wife, tortured him, threatened his family... He was wild-eyed, frenzied...Irrational in a way I have never seen him act otherwise."

Kingsley smirked a bit. "You say more in his defense than your own." Severus blinked once, but said nothing. "You're free to go." Snape looked at him in disbelief. "Your story matches the others. You and Remus are free to return to your teaching posts as per usual. This was a mere formality."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "Lupin?"

"He told me some of what happened to him. Horrible. Neither of you were in any position or stats to make rational decisions. That is the consensus. The public will not hear of this." Kingsley reached for Snape's wrists, and Severus put his hands on the table. The bracelets disappeared, and Kingsley reached into his pocket and pulled out a small card. "I gave this to Remus as well. It's a counseling center."

Severus scoffed, but Kingsley cut him off. "It's run by Squibs. Mental health is slow coming to our world, but we need it, and this is just the beginning. Nothing but positive reports coming out of this group. Do try to keep a low profile, Snape."

"That's it?" Severus was untrusting.

"There is no case, Severus. Even if we pursued it, nobody would find you to have been sane at the time. Either of you."

Severus pocketed the card, stood, shook Kingsley's hand, and followed an Auror to the Floo station. Minerva was waiting for him, having returned from checking on things at Hogwarts to wait for him.

As they stepped into the Floo together, she glanced at him. "It went well?"

Severus threw the powder into the fireplace and they reappeared at his cottage. He rubbed at his aching shoulder, unfastened his robe, and threw it over the back of the couch. "I saw her."

"I had wondered if that might happen."

"She didn't look at me."

"She's human, too."

"I..." He sat on the couch. "I know that I am doing the right thing. I feel a sense of... Peace, in a way I've never known, about what I'm doing. But it's fucking _agony."_

"What do you plan to do about returning to Hogwarts? The tournament? The Yule Ball is right after the New Year at the beginning of term."

He held his head in his hands, long fingers tangled into black hair. "Make myself as scarce as possible, I suppose. It's my career. I have a duty, don't I, to the tournament, the Ball?"

Minerva considered his words for a moment. "If attending the Ball, or helping with the tournament, is not in your best interest, then I do not wish for you to do it."

He sighed heavily. "If it's right, why does it feel so wrong?"

"Because it's real," Minerva said softly. "When I was younger, much younger... I was head over heels in love with a Muggle boy, a farmer. Dougal McGregor." He tilted his head to look at her attentively. "Oh, I loved him, Severus. I've never loved anyone that way since. He proposed. I accepted, but I couldn't tell him I was a witch. I couldn't expect him to uproot his life to move to London while I went to work for the Ministry at the time. He was to inherit his father's land, and he wanted that life. So, I... Left."

Severus watched her relive the painful memories of breaking her own heart, knowing she truly did know what he was experiencing, the self-inflicted pain, the sacrifice. "I am sorry," He said softly.

She wiped a tear from her eyes. "Oh, it's been so many years. He has long since passed away. I married Elphinstone years later, after rejecting numerous proposals. Anyway... I'm telling you that I empathize with how you are feeling. Sometimes, we make sacrifices for those we love, and some sacrifices cost us more than others, or more than we anticipated."

"And what of your happiness? Your life satisfaction?"

"Am I happy? I had envisioned my life being quite different than it has been, but I believe things work out in the end how they're meant to," She said. "It sounds cliche, but I believe it. My life has been quite lonely, but I am happy now, at peace now. I am satisfied with what I've done in my life. I have made the world a better place, and I'm confident in that fact."

Severus was quiet as he thought about her confession. She spoke again. "Albus was not so different from us, you know. He'd had his heart broken irreparably, too. Albus was private, yes, and as the years went on, he certainly kept people at bay, but he wasn't always so distant, so political. He caught me crying over Dougal shortly after I started teaching at Hogwarts. He loved Gellert Grindelwald since they were boys. Truly, he did. But it was never reciprocated, and even if Gellert had interest, it would have never been a priority for him. The reality of Grindelwald, the death of Ariana... He couldn't justify continuing a friendship, but it broke him anyway."

Severus smiled sadly. "We're a trio, aren't we?"

"Oh, it's not just us. The whole bloody world is a mess, lad."

The smile faded from his face. "What if she chooses another man?"

Minerva winced at the thought of seeing Severus endure that all over again. "We will cross that bridge should we come to it."

Several minutes of silence passed before Severus talked again, but this time, he changed the subject. "Remus told Kingsley of his time with Umbridge and her lot."

"And?"

"If the Minister of Magic is shocked at it, it must have been quite horrifying," Severus admitted and shivered at the thought.

"When we return to school, you should speak with him. A friendship with someone your own age could be good for you, for the pair of you."

Severus snarled slightly at the idea of being friendly with the werewolf, but he immediately remembered that Remus was the first person into the hotel room, that he had reached to keep him from being apparated, that he had chased him down until he was free. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm inclined to agree with you."

"Oh, stop, or I'll fall over dead," She smiled and swatted at him with her hand. Though their words were lighter, the weight and grief in the two adults was palpable.

 _"Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope." ~ Eat, Pray, Love_


	103. Chapter 103

As the holidays neared, Severus was gathering some more of his items from his quarters to take back to the cottage for the break. Nearly all of the students were gone at that point, except for some of the older students.

A soft knock on his quarter doors caused him to jump. Certainly, there was no one still here that would want to talk to him on holiday break. He had seen so very little students on his way into the castle that he was sure his presence had gone largely unnoticed.

He opened the door partially and saw her. Hermione. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun, and she looked as if she were going to burst into tears at any second.

"Hermione," He said. Her name was a prayer on his tongue, and she shivered when she heard it.

"Can we talk?" She looked at his face briefly and then away from it.

He pulled the door open a bit more to allow her entrance. Shutting it quietly behind her, he moved toward the kitchen. "Tea?" He offered gently.

"That would be lovely," She said softly. Her slender arms were crossed tightly across her body.

"Sit wherever you'd like," He said. He hadn't prepared for any conversation with her. He hadn't prepared to be in her presence once again, at least not so soon, but he couldn't deny her a conversation. He had told her to go and not come back, and he regretted the strength of those words tremendously. Never had he truly intended to cut her off completely, but he needed time and distance. She was an integral part of who he was, he loved her, and he would not deny her conversation - no matter how difficult the conversation might be. He would not treat her as if she didn't exist. He would not treat her, as many men did with their exes, with resentment. It wasn't a feasible approach. She intended to teach at Hogwarts. He taught at Hogwarts. It wasn't something that would work for either of them, for him to create a hostile environment.

She sat at the table facing him, watching him as he made the tea. Her eyes on him were unsettling for Severus. How many times had she watched him do various menial tasks before, and now he was squirming under her gaze... Two sugars. Just how she liked it. He turned with the teacups and set one down in front of her with all the grace he could muster, and then he took the seat directly across from her. He took a sip of his tea.

Her brown eyes were full of tears. "I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you."

Her words were a blow he could've never prepared for under any circumstances. She _missed_ him. He looked at her seriously, emotions swimming in his eyes. "I miss you, too." It was an honest confession that he'd thought a million times before he'd said it aloud to her, but it still was dumped over him like a bucket of ice water.

" _Why,_ Severus?" She sounded a bit angry, but far more hurt. "I know that I messed up, but _why?_ Why are we _here_?"

He shifted in his seat, and tapped his long pointer finger on the teacup. "It is quite a lengthy explanation, so I must ask you to bear with me," He said and his eyes moved to hers. When she nodded, and took a sip of the tea, he took a deep breath. "When I asked you to be my Secret Keeper, I had no intention for us to end up together romantically. The bond would be strong, and I knew that. I accepted that. Then, I fell in love with you. It was something beyond my wildest imagination. Over the course of our relationship, a level of codependency developed that was both unavoidable and expected. We were at war. We depended upon each other in ways other couples would never have to. In a post-war world, where we all must move toward the future, that particular dynamic isn't necessary, at least not to that degree. In all relationships, a small level of codependency is normal. A partner is a source of emotional and psychological support."

She narrowed her eyes. She was listening intently, but had no idea where he was going with this. He crossed one leg over the other under the table and steepled his fingers in front of his face. "The reality is that neither one of us could leave the other during the war. It was life or death, and we needed each other in every sense of the word. Since the war, you've left me... Twice." She winced hard.

He breathed slowly. "Regardless of my own actions, regardless of how difficult I am, and I am quite difficult, you have made the conscious choice to leave. I have never made that decision. To me, it has never been an option. For you, it has been. Twice. In very pivotal moments. However justified it might have been, however unjustified it might have been. In a relationship, personally, I cannot function knowing that you leaving is within the realm of possibility. The "end game" must be off the table completely. I do not trust that it is. You leaving tells me a couple of things." He took a long drink of his tea. The silence between them was heavy.

"One: while I do not doubt that you love me, I do not trust that you have accepted the totality of me entirely. The world can paint me only a hero or only a villain as much as they like, but it simply isn't reality. The reality is, Hermione, I am both. I am both hero and villain. I am both good and evil, Dark and Light. I have done qualifying things on both teams, so to speak. In the two moments where I have truly revealed to you the Dark inside of me, whether in personality or action, you have left. The dual nature of me is very difficult to accept, even for myself, so I imagine that it is quite a bit harder for someone like yourself, who is so wholly good and so morally sound. I cannot blame you for struggling with this, but I cannot stay in a space where my wholeness, the good and bad, isn't completely accepted and loved. Is it fair? I don't know. You are so easy to love, and I, so difficult, but all I know is how I feel, how it feels to be left in the worst moments. It feels horrible, like I'm walking a tightrope, and I'm so very tired of fearing all of my life." The admission tasted like stomach acid on his tongue and he quickly swallowed more tea to stave off the taste.

"Two: I don't know that you are certain of me, and more importantly, I'm not sure you are certain of what you want for yourself - even outside of accepting me for me. You are intelligent beyond measure, Hermione. The world is your playground to do with it as you wish. There are a million places you could go, and a million things you could do. Your talents present limitless opportunity for you, and you are so very young. We have discussed marriage many times, and while I would have no intention of holding you back in any way, it would in essence, "tie you down." I have chosen my path now, my future. It is here," He gestured to the walls around him. "You do not have to stay here. You could study abroad. You could move for work. You could do any job anywhere in the world, Hermione. We have discussed marriage, but I couldn't bear it if you regretted marrying me, or marrying me so soon, and I'm not entirely sure you wouldn't. Teaching isn't the only job you could do. Hogwarts isn't the only place you could work. Scotland isn't the only place you could live. More importantly, Hermione..." His voice cracked and her eyes bled emotion into his. "I am not the only man that could love you." His hands were shaking now and he put them under the table in his lap. His Adam's apple bobbed in his throat as he struggled not to cry.

She was crying freely now, but silently. She wiped at her eyes as she processed his words. "You would let me go if that's what I decided?"

He choked on a sob at her question, but his answer, beyond his control, was torn from him. "Yes."

She cried harder at his answer and cradled her head in her hands. She was trembling. His heart shattered into a million pieces as he watched her cry. He reached out a hand across the table, but let it fall silently to the table. She looked up at him, at his hand. "You don't trust me?"

 _Fuck._ This was way harder than he could have ever believed it could be. "That's not a simple question. In many ways, yes, I do, trust you completely."

"You don't trust me with you? That my choice is you, all of you? That my home is here?"

He shook his head painfully. "I do not trust that you are certain of me, the reality of me, the choice of me, the choice of here." His heart clenched at his own words. "The war has taken many things from all of us. I need to know that I am not taking something else, anything else, from you. I couldn't bear it."

She whimpered into the space between him. Her lip quivered in a way that made him want to cover it with his own, but he couldn't. Not now. Perhaps not ever again. He bowed his head and moved to pull his hand from the table, but she grabbed it in hers. The touch of her skin on his own was overwhelming and he gasped at it. She held his hand in both of hers, stroking his fingers gently. "I understand," She said at last.

With his free hand, he covered his eyes and cried. He struggled intensely to master himself. She withdrew her hands from his and stood. He expected her to be leaving and he couldn't bear to watch her go, but she pulled a chair around directly next to him, tugged at his shoulder, and pulled his forehead against hers. He was crying. She was crying. Their hands held the hands of the other person gently. "I have maturing and soul-searching to do."

He nodded against her forehead. His eyes were closed and he grimaced. "I want you to be happy. Forever. At the end of your life, I want you to be happy. Whatever that means...I love you enough, Hermione." He struggled with the words. She clutched at his hands desperately.

"Time," She whispered at last, and pulled away from him, but she didn't let go of his hands. He opened his eyes and looked at her questioningly. "Time," She repeated. "That is what I need, what you need, to fix this." She reached up and touched his face briefly. "I will give that to you, to myself, for us. I will do the work I need to do, the searching I need to do."

He swallowed hard. "Consider only yourself in your searching. I am certain of my own feelings. I will love you every day for the rest of my life, but, if you decide that you need to go, for whatever reason, I love you enough. This is your journey, and you must go it alone."

She looked deeply into his black eyes. He was what she wanted, but she had work to do within herself. She had to prove herself to him, and to herself. The war had taken so many choices from the pair of them, and it was only natural for both of them to struggle with a freedom to decide. She needed to accept. He needed to trust. "Time," She repeated.

He nodded a broken nod, and she asked, "Where will you spend the holiday?"

He didn't plan on spending the holidays with anyone. He had planned to spend it alone pretending as if they weren't happening, that he wasn't alone, but he couldn't very well tell her that. "Here. With the remaining staff."

She nodded. "My parents bought a house in England. I'll go between there and the Burrow."

He nodded, but it was painful to hear that it didn't include him, even though he knew it wouldn't. "Okay."

"Time," She whispered to him with finality.

He nodded, and she leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to his cheek, touching her nose to his skin and breathing in the scent of him. She pointed her wand at her cup and cleaned it for him, and walked quietly to the door, sparing a backward glance before stepping out of his quarters.

 _"Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you'll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room." ~ Tiny Beautiful Things_


	104. Chapter 104

Feeling old thought patterns creeping into his consciousness all too often, Severus stood outside of the counseling center Kingsley had recommended. Severus had thought about death, and suicide, and the worthlessness of his existence many times before, but this time felt different because he was living in a world where he wasn't so necessary. He was tracing his finger along the edges of the business card over and over when a young woman stepped out of the front door and gestured to him.

"You can't stand out here all day, Professor Snape. Come in. Please. We would love to have you," She said with a gentle smile.

Severus' heart thudded in his chest, and his mouth went dry, but he walked into the building. He had, briefly, wondered how this woman knew his name, but he was probably one of the most famous and infamous faces in all of the United Kingdom.

"I'm really glad that you have come in today, Professor Snape. It's a big step, coming through that door."

Severus' dark eyes settled on her face. She was a small framed elfish-looking young woman, with a sharp chin and nose, with a pixie haircut. "How does this work?"

"Well, I will show you the counselors that are currently accepting clients, and we can talk about which ones you'd feel most comfortable with trying. It's all about what works best for you. Not every counselor is a good fit." She smiled at him, a toothy grin.

"Indeed," He said in a clipped tone. "Who is available then?"

Handing the professional profiles to Severus, she pointed out a couple that she felt would be more appropriate - ones that didn't deal with pre-marital counseling, children, or women's issues. One counselor, a Linda Turner, listed PTSD as a speciality area of focus.

Severus tapped his finger against her picture. "Her."

"She's actually free now for a couple of appointment slots," The clerk said. "Let me go back and speak with her. You can take a seat over there," She said and gestured to the chairs along the wall.

His heart was racing, and he picked at the skin near his thumbnail on his right hand with his pointer finger. Every single instinct he had told him to run, to flee, and to never look back, but he sat firmly rooted in place. It was as if his physical body was telling him this is what he was going to do, regardless of whatever his mind tried to tell it to do.

"Professor Snape?" A woman called. Severus looked up to see a very short blonde woman calling for him from the hallway. He stood and walked toward her and she outstretched her hand. "Linda Turner. Would you like to come back?"

He looked over her head down the hallway and he felt dizzy and uncertain. She seemed to sense his discomfort. "It's okay. Take your time."

His eyes moved back to her face. He took a deep breath and said, "All right. Yes."

She turned and led him down the hallway. Once inside the small, but comfortable looking office, she pointed her hand toward any of the various seating arrangements. "Sit wherever you'd like."

He sat in the corner of a couch. _How cliche - a couch._ His posture was stiff and his body language was guarded. He laced his fingers together in his lap tightly. She sat opposite from him in a comfortable chair, crossing one leg over the other, and she had a pad of paper and pen in her hand.

When he looked nervously at her paper and pen, she smiled. "It's standard procedure. It's mostly just for me to look over between our sessions to determine how to best help you." He swallowed hard. "I can see that you're nervous. Would you like a glass of water, perhaps? Or tea?"

He shook his head. "No. Thank you."

"Now, what would you like me to call you during our sessions?"

"Severus," He said curtly.

"Okay, Severus. Can you tell me what you're thinking about right now?"

He stared at her, frowning slightly. "What do you already know of me?" He sounded apprehensive, even to himself.

"I have heard of you, yes," Linda said simply. "But I prefer to not come into this with an preconceived notions. I'd like to get to know you from you." He narrowed his glittering eyes. "You seem concerned that I may have already judged you. Is this something you struggle with often?"

 _Ah. Fuck._ "At times," He said nonchalantly. "I have quite a reputation."

Linda smiled. "What reputation?"

Severus grew a bit irritated. "Don't feign ignorance."

She backed off with a gentle smirk. "Why don't you tell me something about yourself that most people don't know, or wouldn't assume to be true?"

His brow furrowed as he processed her question. Something people don't know or wouldn't assume to be true? So much of his life had been on full display for the public, especially after the war. Grimacing, he thought long and hard about his answer. "There are so many things that I could say," He said finally. His heart, apparently, had decided that he was going to give therapy a fair shot.

"Can you tell me some of them?"

"I can play the piano quite well, or I used to. It's been years," He said quietly. She was listening very carefully. "At times, I feel lonely, though I do mostly enjoy a solitary life. I regret a lot of things that I have done and said in my life, and I feel guilty. I'd undo so many things if I could," He trailed off, growing uncomfortable with his vulnerability. "I do not think most people would believe those things about me because of the reputation I have."

She looked at his face and there was an empathy he'd never seen before. This woman was a stranger to him, but she was looking at him as if he were just another human being and that was disarming for Severus. Snape was so used to people approaching him with extreme reservation and caution. "Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm sure it was harder than the question seemed to be at first. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?"

He shook his head slightly.

"When is your birthday?"

"January 9th, 1960."

"What are your wand specifications?"

"Ebony wood. 13 3/4 inches long. Dragon Heartstring Core. Slightly yielding."

"House?" Severus arched an eyebrow. "It's a formality."

"Slytherin," He answered.

"Patronus?"

"A Wolverine."

"Who can we put down as an emergency contact?"

 _Hermione._ "Minerva McGonagall."

"Okay. Now, that we have the formalities our of the way, I have some personal questions to ask, just so I can get an idea of who you are, your experiences, and what we might need to address."

Severus glared at her and closed his body language off even more. She asked, "What can you tell me about your mother?"

He bristled immediately. "It's always the mother, isn't it? She's dead now. Has been for years. Her name was Eileen Prince before she married my father. She was pureblood. She was in Slytherin as well."

Sensing his bitterness, Linda pressed. "Can you describe your relationship with her?"

"She's dead," He said icily.

Linda gave him a knowing smile. "What about your relationship with her when she was alive? How was it then?"

Severus sighed. "Strained."

"How so?"

"Her marriage was loveless, abusive, and neglectful. My childhood was much the same."

"She abused you?"

"No, my father did all the physical bits. My mother neglected me. I think, in her mind, she did the best that she could in the circumstances. My father hated magic, hated her, hated me. She tried to protect me, but I..." He stopped, and then released the thought he'd been holding. "I resent her."

"Why?"

"I was her child, her only son. She had a responsibility to care for me, to keep me safe, to protect me, and provide for me. She did essentially none of those things." He stopped himself abruptly.

Linda, scribbling on her pad of paper, asked, "What about your relationship with your father? Is he alive? If not, what was your relationship with him like when he was alive?"

"He's dead. Good riddance. That should answer that question," He said coldly.

"Do you have a romantic partner?"

Severus' face paled considerably. He clenched his jaw and stared at the carpeted floor. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and broken. "I suppose the simplest answer is 'no.'"

"What do you mean?"

"It's complicated," He said softly. _Hermione. Almond. Shea._

"Can you tell me his or her name?"

Severus narrowed his eyes at the feigned ignorance again, but realized she was just being political. She _knew_ who it was. She had to have. "Hermione Granger," He said at last.

"Why is your relationship with her complicated?"

He gritted his teeth and his eyes stung. _No. "_ I can't."

"It's just a question," Linda offered comfortingly.

"I know it's just a bloody question," Severus growled. "It's all quite fresh. Can we move on?"

Linda eyed him, wrote something quickly on her notepad, and moved on. "Certainly. Who would you say is your closest friend?"

 _Hermione._ He huffed. "Minerva McGonagall."

"What is something you value about Minerva?"

"Her loyalty and protectivenes," Severus answered simply. He quite liked the positive questions.

"What about other friends? Who would you name as friends?"

Severus shrugged. "I suppose Horace Slughorn, Filius Flitwick, Pomona Sprout... Perhaps Remus Lupin in a very loose use of the term "friend." I value my relationship with Harry Potter, but I am uncertain it would be called a 'friendship.'"

"What are things you enjoy doing?" Linda asked.

"Reading. Brewing."

"What is your happiest memory?"

Snape's face darkened considerably. "Why is _that_ important?"

"Because I don't just want to talk about the bad things with you. I want to talk about the good things as well. Life is all about finding balance," Linda pointed out.

Severus rolled his eyes and growled his answer. "A previous date."

"With... Hermione?"

He nodded sharply. "Yes."

"What is your worst memory?"

"Halloween 1981," He said darkly. Linda's eyes told him that she knew the importance of that particular date.

"What is your greatest accomplishment?"

"My Potions Mastery."

"What is your greatest failure?"

Snape scowled. "Protecting the Potter family from the Dark Lord."

Linda smiled sadly. "What is your greatest fear?"

Severus hesitated for a long moment. Truthfully, he didn't know the answer offhand. He felt himself growing tired of the questions. He glanced at the clock. The hour was nearly up. "I'm not sure. Many things scare me, but my greatest fear? It's been a long time since I've faced a Boggart."

She didn't push him on his answer. "What would you like to get out of therapy? What would you like to find?"

Severus' black eyes locked onto her brown eyes. "Peace."

 _"Talking to a therapist, I thought, was like taking your clothes off and then taking your skin off, and then having the other person say, 'Would you mind opening up your rib cage so that we can start?'" ~ Black Box_


	105. Chapter 105

Christmas and New Years passed uneventfully for Severus, though Minerva made sure he socialized for a bit of each of those holidays. Severus was surprised that, on both dates, he received a note from Hermione.

On Christmas, the note had simply read, "Merry Christmas, Severus. All my love, Hermione."

He had written back, of course. No matter how painful it was for him to spend time apart from her, he would always be there for her, and would always love her even if he kept the word itself to himself. His reply mirrored hers. "Hermione, Merry Christmas. Yours, Severus."

Her New Years note arrived early on New Years Day. It was a little different, and sparked a bit of hope in his heart.

"Severus," It read. "Happy New Year. As the clock struck midnight, I found myself wishing for a year full of renewal, love, and commitment with you. Time will be our greatest ally. I'm sure of it. I love you, Hermione."

He quickly squashed the traitorous hope that had flared in his chest. There was so much work to be done, so many assurances he needed.

He wrote back, "Happy New Year, Hermione. I hope that this year, and every year to come, is exactly as you want it to be. Yours, Severus."

The first week back at class had been long. It ended with his birthday, on a Friday, which also happened to be the evening of the Yule Ball. _Of bloody course._ Remus arrived at his quarters dressed in dress robes and a silver vest after having dropped Teddy off at his in-laws for the evening.

"Lupin," Severus said cordially as he allowed the werewolf entrance.

"Snape," Lupin mimicked. "I have heard, through the grapevine, that today is your 39th birthday."

Severus said, "Grapevine, eh?" _Minerva Grapevine McGonagall._

"Oh, yes," Remus said. He pulled a bottle of whiskey from behind his back. "Happy birthday, Severus."

Severus looked from the werewolf to the bottle in his hand. "Thank you," Severus said quietly. He hadn't had friends to celebrate a birthday with for most of his life, and he certainly was unaccustomed to receiving gifts.

Lupin opened the bottle and summoned a glass. "What do you say - a glass before we go?"

Severus' mouth curved upward at the corner. "A Slytherin suggestion, Lupin. I am impressed. Minerva will string us up by our toes in the dungeon."

Remus shrugged. "If she catches us."

Severus took the pro-offered drink and clinked his glass against Remus'. Carefully, Severus broached the topic of Remus' emotional state. "How are you?"

"Well, I'm a bloody mess, aren't I? My wife's murdered. My son will grow up without a mother and I'm barely a father to him. I've got serious issues from being held captive. I snapped and nearly killed one of my torturer's."

Severus' dark eyes focused on Lupin's face. He looked tired, rather like Severus, and he looked lonely, which Severus could understand. "It's not your fault."

Remus chuckled darkly. "Do _you_ believe you when you tell yourself that? Now isn't the time for this conversation. And when we have it, you've got to give as much as you get." Lupin arched a dirty blonde eyebrow.

Snape looked at him carefully, studying him, then lifted his glass. "Cheers."

Lupin nodded. "Cheers." Snape adjusted his dress robes. He was dressed nearly identical to Lupin, except his shirt and vest were both black. Severus Snape was, after all, a creature of habit.

Both Lupin and Snape smoothed their vests after stepping into the corridor. Lupin asked, "How'd you like to finish that bottle after this is over?" Remus apparently was looking forward to this dance about as much as he was.

Looking down the corridor and catching sight of students all formally dressed, arm in arm, Severus sighed. "I would quite like that."

Together, they walked to the Great Hall. Taking the staff entrance, they joined the rest of the professors, both Hogwarts and guest professors, at the front of the hall. Minerva was busy fluttering about preparing the hall for the Champions' Entrance and First Dance. He had not heard from Hermione about his birthday, nor had he heard about any potential date. She had to take a date. She was a Champion. He hadn't really expected to hear from her, but her notes on Christmas and New Years Day had been a pleasant surprise and his heart was treacherously hopeful.

Had all gone to plan and not been shot completely to Hell, Severus had fully intended on proposing to her before this wretched dance and being her date. He suddenly felt nauseous as Minerva separated the teenage crowd.

"And now, The Triwizard Champions!" The crowd erupted in applause and Severus clapped nonchalantly. He kept his face schooled as best as he could as the Champions began to file in. The procession was longer because there were far more Champions this time.

And then he saw her. _My Gods._ It took a very conscious effort to keep his mouth from falling open. Her date, Justin Finch-Fletchley, smiled next to her. A hint of jealousy flared in his stomach, but Severus stifled it. How could he not smile? Her hair was pulled back across her forehead into a beautiful bun on the side of the back of her neck. Her dress was sleeveless, but high-necked, and the top half was a metallic gray. It shimmered against her skin. The bottom half, hugging her figure just so, was black, shimmered the same way, and flowed out at the bottom near her feet. She looked radiant.

He tore his dark eyes away from her as he felt student eyes all over him as he watched her. He turned slightly, and Remus said lowly, "All right?"

Gritting his teeth, he nodded once sharply. "Lovely," He bit out.

"Is this a permanent separation?" Lupin asked quietly and Severus looked at him coldly. "I am not certain any of the students have caught wind, but I'm no unobservant teenage boy, Severus."

"Is it permanent?" Severus repeated quietly. His eyes wandered back to the dance floor, where she and Justin danced gracefully together. She was smiling. "Merlin, I hope not."

Remus took a sip of the champagne that he'd picked up for both himself and Severus. "If I were a betting man, I'd say you have had the 'you're so much younger, you've got so much life, you shouldn't be with someone like me... unless you're certain' chat, haven't you?"

Severus' eyes snapped back to Lupin's. His blue eyes were heavy and sad, and there was no jest in them. "Something like that," Severus said softly.

"For what it's worth," Lupin said and struggled with the words painfully, "I hope it works out for you. For the short amount of time I had her, Dora was the best thing in my life, but that conversation I had with her, that soul-searching I requested of her was absolutely necessary. For both of us."

As the Champions' Dance came to a close, Severus downed the glass of champagne in his hand. Minerva appeared beside him. "Can I steal your date, Remus?"

"I beg your pardon..." Severus said in offense.

"I'd quite like a dance with the birthday boy," She shrugged and smirked.

Remus laughed hysterically, head back and white teeth on full display, at her use of "boy," and Severus blushed furiously and looked around for any stray student ears. "Woman, I have not fit the bill for boy in 20 years."

She stuck out her hand and Severus put his in hers and allowed himself to pulled toward the dance floor. Several students watched in awe as their Headmistress and former Headmaster, two distinguished and rigidly formal human beings, stood closely for a dance. Severus, like everything else he set his mind to, was quite a skilled dancer and the pair looked graceful and powerful together.

"How are you doing, lad?" She looked up at him.

He kept his eyes level, staring out at the crowd of students, and his voice was low when he answered. "It's harder than I anticipated."

She gently squeezed the hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry," She said quietly.

In a rare show of affection for anyone, Severus pulled her a bit closer, holding her the way a son might hold a mother he adored. "Thank you. For everything. Especially for everything this last couple of weeks."

She laughed and shrugged him off. "Oh, it's nothing, Severus."

"Not to me," He said simply and stared down at her.

As the music came to a close, a finger tapped on his shoulder. He turned to see Lupin. "Mind if I cut in? I fear she's got a bit too much Slytherin in her personal space."

Severus, ever the gentleman when he wanted to be, bowed and passed Minerva's hand to Remus, who picked up with the next song. He wandered back toward the front of the hall, separating a few couples who were dancing just a bit too closely together.

Over the course of the evening, Severus allowed himself to steal only a couple of glances toward Hermione. For the most part, she was sitting at a table laughing and talking with her friends. Sometimes, she danced with her date, or Potter and Weasley, or Longbottom. Even Malfoy a couple of times. Toward the end of the night, Severus walked outside into the courtyard to check for errant students who might have ducked into one of the various carriages or a dark corner. It was snowing lightly, much like it had at the Yule Ball a few years ago. The familiar electronic drums of Yaz's "Only You" began playing inside the hall as he stared up at the sky as he found, much to his dismay, no runaway students.

"Severus?" He heard from behind him. _Oh, God._ He knew that voice.

He turned slowly to face her, preparing himself for her beauty. "Hermione," He said politely. He stuck his hands into his trouser pockets.

"I know you'll probably say no, but might I have this dance?" She held out her hand to him. _Fuck._

He could deny her nothing. He never could. He doubted he ever would be able. He took her hand and pulled her close to him, but kept a respectable distance between them. He feared very much if he pulled her closer, he wouldn't be able to let go.

They moved very slowly together, bodies in sync in the way only a longtime couple could be. Snow peppered their dark hair as they moved together silently.

"Do you like the song?" She asked softly.

"Yes, a guilty pleasure, but you already knew..." He stopped both of their movement and looked down at her. "Did you request it?"

She smiled at him and nodded. He continued dancing with her slowly. Her body heat radiated off of her and she smelled wonderfully intoxicating. "You look so handsome, Severus."

The compliment was meant to make him feel good, but it twisted in his chest like a knife. Knowing she would have never meant to hurt him, he returned the compliment truthfully. "You look beautiful. As always."

She stepped a bit closer to him, and sang the final the final chorus to him so quietly he had to strain to hear her. "All I needed was the love you gave. All I needed for another day, and all I ever knew... Only you."

The song closed and he stepped back from her quickly. "You should return to your friends."

She smiled a knowing smile, one that understood his walls and distance, one that accepted the work that needed done, but one that was grateful for a moment of intimacy. She reached out and grabbed his hand, stroking her thumb over the back of it. "Happy birthday, Severus."

She turned and disappeared back into the school as Remus walked out toward Snape. Remus looked over his shoulder and watched Hermione disappear before looking back at Severus, a look of understanding and empathy in his eyes. "Ready for that bottle?"

"Indeed," Severus said emphatically, and followed Lupin back into the castle.

 _"I wanted to explain that I am constantly overestimating and underestimating the human race - that rarely do I even simply estimate it. I wanted to ask her how the same thing could be so ugly and so glorious, and its words and stories so damning and brilliant...I AM HAUNTED BY HUMANS." ~ The Book Thief_


	106. Chapter 106

After pouring a glass of whiskey for himself and for Remus, he returned to the sitting room with the glasses. Handing one to Remus, he summoned the bottle.

"Was that a good idea?" Lupin asked. "Dancing with her?"

Severus ran a hand through his dark hair, and then pulled his cravat off roughly. "I've no difficulty keeping people at a distance. I never have."

"Hermione isn't 'people,' Severus," Remus said and drank from his glass.

"Was it my brightest idea?" Severus asked himself aloud. "Probably not, but God, I wanted it. If she didn't, she wouldn't have asked, would she?"

"Be careful," Remus said. "I am hopeful she'll come 'round, but guard your heart. Not that I need to tell you that really."

Severus swallowed the whiskey and felt the burning feeling in his chest. "It's hard. Finding balance between letting go and holding on. I've not reached out to her, but I don't feel as if I can reject her. She's my choice. I let her go to pursue whatever she wishes, but I've got to hold on in moments chooses me, don't I, so she knows? I haven't sought her out. _She_ reached out and wrote to me on Christmas and New Years Day _. She_ asked me to dance

Remus looked at him as if seeing him for the first time. "You really are not so different from me, are you?"

"So I've been told," Severus said plainly. A long silence fell between them. Snape looked at Lupin. "I went to that counseling center that Kingsley recommended the other day."

Lupin looked at him, surprise on his face. "Really? How'd it go?"

Severus scratched at the scarring on his neck absently. "Just one session so far. I figure it cannot possibly damage me more."

Remus chuckled at Snape's self-deprecating humor. "If you've gone, I should probably get it a go."

"What happened, Remus? What happened when you were gone after the war?" Severus asked suddenly. His eyes widened, as if he were as surprised as Lupin at his question.

Lupin, having already shed his coat, pulled his own cravat free, took his vest off, and undid a button under his chin. He leaned forward and grabbed the bottle of whiskey, refilling his own glass and topping off Severus'. "Mental warfare. Physical warfare. They forced me to transform, regardless of the moon cycle, fought me against different wolves against my will. It was horrible. Anything to try to get me to submit to Greyback as my packmaster. He's my Maker, so his pull is strong. He threatened Dora, said they had her too. Convinced me Voldemort had won. He very nearly broke me. Umbridge gave him that Emerald potion to use on me. He'd been using it on me for about a week when they went to attack Harry in Australia."

It was a quick summary, but it revealed enough of the horrific reality Remus had endured at the hand of Greyback. No wonder the man had snapped upon seeing the werewolf again. "I am sorry for how you have suffered, Remus."

Remus looked at him, sighed, and drank from his glass again. "They gave you that potion too?"

"Yes," Severus said and shivered.

"What the bloody hell is that potion?"

"The Potion of Despair," Severus answered. "Aptly named."

Remus nodded, wide eyed, and looked at Severus again. "What's going on with Hermione?"

"Are we friends?" Severus blurted out before he could stop himself. This whiskey was aged and potent. _Fucking hell._

Remus looked a little startled by his question. "I'd like to think we are, at the very least, starting to be."

Severus nodded and was quiet for a moment. "She left twice, when I needed her to stay. I do not trust that she is certain of me, the reality of me, the choice of me, the choice of staying here. She could go anywhere. Do and be anything. That damned war has taken so many things from all of us. I need to know that I am not taking something else, anything else, from her. I couldn't bear it."

"She left?"

Severus swallowed some whiskey again. "Twice. Do not underestimate my ability to be difficult and challenging to be around, but she left..."

"Harry nearly tore my face off for doing that to Dora," Remus admitted.

Snape snorted, but without any humor. "Yes, I had heard that." He tugged off his jacket, vest, and undid the button under his chin. Lupin pulled his shirt free from trousers and rolled up his sleeves. He looked at Severus as Snape rolled up his own sleeves as well.

Severus stopped on his left arm and Remus shook his head. "Don't worry about it. Not like I didn't know you have it."

Severus clenched his jaw, and then rolled his sleeve up, revealing the faded Dark Mark. Remus did his best not to stare at it as he could sense Snape's discomfort. He filled Severus' drink and then his own. "How are you doing with the separation? Really?"

Severus stood and walked to the bookshelf adjacent to his fireplace. Pulling one book from the shelf, he returned to his seat. He was disturbingly quiet. He opened the book slowly. It was a fake wooden book, with wooden pages, and a little space carved out of the center. In the carved section was a small velvet black box. "I haven't been able to actually look at it in weeks."

"Severus... Is that..." Remus was stunned. "When...?"

"I purchased it so long ago. So long ago. It seems absurd to keep it now," Severus said. His face was sullen.

Remus reached forward and closed the wooden book, stood, and returned it to its spot on the shelf. He stumbled a bit in his inebriated state as he moved back to the couch. "Professor Snape..." Severus eyed him curiously. "Where did you grow up?"

Lupin sounded significantly younger under the influence, and Severus snorted at his juvenile question. "Cokeworth."

"Ah. That's how you knew Lily?"

Severus' already small smile faded. "Yes. What about you?"

"Cardiff," Lupin answered.

Severus grew quiet again, sipping his whiskey. Lupin mirrored his actions, and then kicked his feet up on the coffee table. Severus raised a dark eyebrow at his former classmate.

"You've had that eyebrow arch down since we were kids, Severus."

Severus smirked at that, but didn't respond. The quiet between the two men was much more comfortable than either would have anticipated. Whether that was because of the alcohol or not, they didn't care. Each was broken and lonely in ways many other people simply could not understand. They had such different experiences at school, and had stood on different sides for much of their lives, but there was a sameness between them that neither could deny. They had both lost friendships that meant everything to them, had their hearts broken, endured unimaginable torture, fallen in love with someone younger and more "whole" than them, and had considered Hogwarts their true home. Both were not fans of themselves in any way. Their differences, though, were almost as many as their similarities. Severus was bitterly sarcastic, quick-tempered, and far less social. Both were introverted, but Lupin was much more likely to start up a conversation. Remus was good-natured, usually calm, and possessed a much warmer personality.

"D'you think that, if we got sorted now, that we'd be in the same houses - Gryffindor and Slytherin?"

Severus contemplated his question for a minute. "Perhaps. Perhaps not. It doesn't really matter now to think about that. Dumbledore told me he thought they sorted me too soon, that I am not cowardly."

"Slytherins aren't cowardly," Remus said quickly. "The rivalry is good, you know? It's good. Competition is good, as long as it's productive and healthy. It's better now for students than it was for us." Remus truly sounded years younger with a little whiskey in him.

"I agree."

"I would've quite liked to be Hufflepuff, I think," Remus said. Severus furrowed his brow as he looked at the Gryffindor House Head. "Oh, they are the butt of all the jokes, but really what is more honorable than valuing loyalty, fairness, and hard work?"

Severus couldn't deny that, and he knew that Tonks had been a Hufflepuff, so Lupin was even more likely to be fond of the House. "The best thing to come out of the war has been the newfound camaraderie between Houses."

"Cheers to that," Lupin said and downed his whiskey glass. His eyes were bloodshot, and Severus knew he looked similarly. "39. Bloody hell, Severus. How'd we get here?"

"No idea," Severus said evenly. "Last year on this date, I had fully accepted that 38 would be the last year I saw."

"Well, I did fully intend to kill you in the Great Hall last May."

Severus chuckled darkly at that thought. Despite Remus' skill in dueling, both wizards knew Severus was the more talented and adept one.

Remus stood. "I should get back to my room before that last glass hits me and I'm too pissed."

Severus watched him sway on his feet and stood to clean up the bottle and glasses. Remus stumbled around the coffee table and eyed the clock. "No students in the hall!" He proclaimed.

"Luckily for you. Otherwise, you'd be sleeping in that guest room there," Severus pointed across the room.

"How're you still so put together?" Remus looked at him as he ran a hand through his graying hair.

Severus thought about it. He was rather drunk, but the ache in his chest kept him pretty grounded. "I suppose I can hold my liquor better."

Remus threw his head back and laughed loudly at that, and then walked toward the door. "For what it's worth, Severus, I am glad you're here." His smile was sad, but sincere. "Even if you are getting up in years."

"You're not far behind, Lupin. I am glad you are here as well," Severus said. He was genuine in his growing fondness for the werewolf. Remus left Severus and Snape walked clumsily to his bed. Hermione's voice played over and over in his head: ' _Happy Birthday, Severus.'_

 _"An apple tree is just like a person. In order to thrive, it needs companionship that's similar to it in some ways, but quite different than others." ~ The Orchard_


	107. Chapter 107

Author's Note: I will do a couple chapters here and there that focus on Hermione, but not many. I just want to show you guys that she _is_ taking the space seriously and what she's doing apart from Severus to heal, and that she has no ill intent toward him.

It had taken some pursuasion, but Hermione has convinced her friends to do group therapy on Saturday mornings in Hogsmeade where, unbeknownst to her, Severus attended individual sessions on a different day.

As they took a chair in the circle in the middle of the room, all slightly hungover, Hermione took a good look at who had committed to do this with her - Harry, Ginny, Luna, Draco, Draco, Neville, Lavender, and Ron. Ron had taken the most convincing, but ultimately, he was able to see how valuable it could be. The maximum size for a therapy group had been listed at ten, and coming in at nine was impressive. Or at least that's what Hermione thought, until a group of ten sixth year students walked out from the session before. It was comforting to know that so many students were getting help.

Mental health was so neglected in the Wizarding World. This counseling center was perfect. The counselors, being Squibs, were fully aware of the magical world and all of its events and happenings, which was a barrier that would otherwise keep a witch or wizard from being totally transparent and honest about their issues, experiences, and thoughts.

The counselor, a thin man in probably his early 40s with salt and pepper hair and thick rimmed glasses, sat down at the remaining seat. A nervous silence fell upon the students. "I'm really glad you all have decided to come today. My name is James Cooper. Now, let me just explain a few things about group therapy. Group therapy is, as always, confidential. If we find that a particular patient is having difficulty keeping the contents of therapy sessions private, we hold the rights to remove that patient from group therapy entirely. Group therapy is beneficial for people with shared experiences. We offered this group therapy as an option for Hogwarts students who fought in the war, and I see on your sign up sheets, that's the reason you all are here today. We would hold weekly meetings every Saturday for three weeks in a row, then each patient would schedule an individual meeting for more personalized and individualized counseling and that would happen every fourth week. Then it would cycle back to group counseling for three weeks, and so on and so forth."

His deep blue eyes scanned the room. "Does anyone have any questions so far?" When nobody moved, he continued. "Let's start off with introductions. I know you all know each other well enough, but I don't. Start here, perhaps? Tell us your name and what you'd like to get out of group?" He pointed to Harry, who was sat directly to his right.

Hardy cleared his throat and crossed his feet under his chair nervously. "I'm Harry Potter, and I would like for group therapy to help me find meaning in my life outside of the war and what role I had to play in the war. I'd like, I suppose, to feel valuable outside of all that. I've spent most of my life with the need to defeat Voldemort as my sole purpose in life." His green eyes moved around the group quickly. James merely smiled and thanked Harry, and then looked to Ginny and nodded at her to go.

"I'm Ginny Weasley. I lost a brother in the war, and that's been very hard on my family. All of the loss we've suffered has been hard. I'd like help navigating that grief because I feel quite guilty that I've survived and my brother, and so many others, didn't."

"Nice to meet you, Ginny. I'm confident that we can help you," James smiled at her. He looked to Ron, who was sat next to Ginny.

Ron's mouth was open as he looked at Ginny, as if seeing her as an adult with real emotional needs and issues for the first time. He swallowed hard and looked around. "I'm, uh, Ron Weasley. Ginny's my sister. I'd like help dealing with loss as well. And..." He stumbled and turned red. At James' encouragement, Ron continued. "I've always felt like... Background music, and I'd like to gain some confidence in my value as a person separate from my friends."

James thanked Ron as well, and moved on to Lavender, who spoke quietly and uncertainly.

"I'm Lavender Brown. I had something... Really awful happen to me during the war, and it's really affected me. I don't sleep well at night and when I do, I have awful nightmares. I'd like help in coping with that traumatic event," She said scratched absently at the thick scars on her otherwise flawless neck.

"Thank you, Lavender. We can help you to find healthy ways to cope with your trauma," James assured her warmly. He looked to Luna.

"I'm Luna Lovegood. I feel really similar to Lavender. I, too, experienced some terrible moments during the war. I can't imagine that any of us didn't, but I find myself not enjoying things as much as I used too. I have a difficult time focusing. At first, I thought it was a bad Wrackspurts infection, but I've come to realize that Wrackspurts are probably only a contributing factor," She said in her trademark airy voice. Confusion and wonder at her colored everyone's features.

"Thank you, Luna. We will sort you out with time," James said. He looked to Neville.

"I'm Neville Longbottom. I'm hopeful that therapy can help me deal with my angry grief at the almost complete loss of my parents as my parents, and at war itself. I'm quite angry to have been thrown into that, angry that it took so many people, angry that I grew up without real parental figures." His ears turned bright red and he stopped himself.

"Very good, Neville. Thank you," James said calmly. He looked to Hermione.

Hermione's throat went dry. "I'm Hermione Granger. I think, really, that I'm a mix of everyone that's gone so far. I'd like help dealing with traumatic experiences, with grieving those who were killed, and with defining myself as an individual. I spent a year on the run with Harry and Ron, and I never got to think much about the future. Now it's here and I feel well and truly lost. Mostly, I hope to gain confidence in who I am apart from the war, and gain insight into what I truly want out of my life now that the future is something I can think about. I'd like to sense some clarity, and to be a better friend and partner." She blushed furiously at the confession, but when she was met with warm smiles from her friends and some nods, she relaxed. They were not so different.

"Thank you, Hermione," James said. "And finally?"

Draco rubbed his palm with his thumb. "I'm Draco Malfoy. I think I'm about the same as Granger. My family was on the other side of the war up until the very end, and I struggle with my identity. I want to be a good man, a good friend, and a good partner. I didn't really have that modeled for me, so I'd like some confidence and pointers there, I suppose." Heshrugged his thin shoulders and dug his thumb harder into his palm.

"Thank you, Draco. Now that we've got that out of the way, I think, in general, we're all looking to navigate a world post-war. While that might look differently to everyone in the specifics, I think it's fair to say that we all want to know how to navigate life moving forward in the future with the experiences we've had in our past."

There were nods of assent throughout the group and Hermione's whiskey colored eyes were full of hope of a future where she felt confident within herself and desires, and where she could be the best version of herself for herself and for her friends and, of course, for Severus. But as she sat there, with hope blossoming in her chest, she realized that this journey was not going to be one where she conquered her insecurity, and her trauma. It was going to be a journey where she learned to embrace how the trauma had shaped her, and to navigate the experiences and their impact as a part of her, and to fashion security from her insecurities. This realization served only to fuel her desire for healing and growth, and she breathed deeply in her sense of relief at being here in therapy surrounded by her friends.

" _Hollowness: that I understand. I'm starting to believe that there isn't anything you can do to fix it. That's what I've taken from the therapy sessions: the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps." ~ The Girl on the Train_


	108. Chapter 108

Over the next couple of weeks, as the Champions prepared for the Second Task, Severus found himself largely avoiding the group. In a way, he felt guilty about doing that as the other House Heads had spent a fair bit of time with the Hogwarts team. This task would be set up to be somewhat of an escape room. The foursome would have 60 minutes to solve all the puzzles in the locked room in order. If they did, they'd successfully "escape" the room, and win the points for finishing. Otherwise, a number of points is assigned based off of how far along in the room they were.

There wasn't really much, in Severus' opinion, that he could offer. It would be mostly a series of logic puzzles and perhaps some physical tasks or spells, but it wouldn't be particularly dangerous or something one could practice or for which they might need training.

Unfortunately, Severus' avoidance tactics couldn't go on forever, and he found himself waiting in Lupin's classroom for the foursome to appear the evening before the second task. He stood stiffly, in direct contrast to the nervousness and anxiety he felt at the impending face-to-face moment with Hermione. His distance had to have been noticed by other students, especially by her teammates in this tournament.

Moving to the wall and sitting in the chair in the corner with Lupin watching him closely, Severus pulled his wand from his sleeve and held it up before his eyes as he leaned back casually into the chair. His black eyes began examining the wand carefully like he hadn't been looking at it for the last 28 years. The door to Lupin's classroom opened and he heard Draco's voice as he kept his eyes focused on his ebony wand. He rotated it slowly, observing the intricate carvings in the handle.

He saw Hermione out of the corner of his eye and when he was sure she wasn't looking, he stole a glance at her profile. She looked... Tired, apprehensive, and a bit sad? Perhaps he wasn't the only one reeling at the loss of someone with whom they had been, until recently, so intimately involved. She smiled slightly at whatever Draco's comment had been, but the smile quickly faded. He returned his eyes to his wand as Lupin began discussing the next task. Filius and Pomona added bits here and there, but Severus paid little to no attention to the entire ordeal. This task, he felt, was one 7th year students should be able to handle with ease. Especially these 7th years since three of them had stood up against Lord Voldemort himself. Surely, they could manage an escape room.

"Professor Snape?" Remus' voice brought him back to reality. He glanced up from his wand to the wizard. Remus, reading Severus' vacant expression, repeated the question he had asked. "Do you have anything to add? Any advice for our Champions? Or Mister Malfoy in particular?"

Severus slid his wand back into his sleeve, and stood. The persona of the formidable Professor Snape was back in full swing immediately. Justin flinched slightly, but recovered quickly. His eyes snapped to Hermione's face, and his chest burned. _It's for the best. For the best._

"Advice?" Snape drawled and pulled his eyes away from her. "I would advise finishing the task well before the sixty minute mark, or I'm afraid I'll have to consider you lot an embarrassment to nearly seven years of magical education." His glittering black eyes moved from Justin, to Luna, skimmed briefly over Hermione, and settled on Draco. "Mister Malfoy, in the unlikely event that you find your Professors here incapable of answering any and all questions you may have, you know where to find me. If there are House specific queries, I'd be glad to field them in private." Severus' voice was cold. "Otherwise, I see very little value in my presence here. It's an escape room - little more than child's play for them, three of whom have stood before the Dark Lord himself." He glanced at Hermione, who was biting her cheek and did not at all look happy with his statements. His robes billowed after him as he left the classroom.

Severus went directly back to his classroom where he continued grading essays from his NEWT DADA class. He felt a shift in the air around him and he looked up to see Draco leaning in the doorway. His slender arms were folding loosely over his chest.

"What's got your knickers in a twist, old Snape?"

Severus scowled deeply and grumbled, "It's _Professor_ Snape, Mister Malfoy, and I assure you, I don't wear knickers, nor is my emotional state any of your concern."

Draco smirked a bit. "What's going on with you and Granger?"

"Mister Malfoy, that's enough..." Snape's voice lowered.

"Something's going on. It's affecting you, and her, and she's my teammate in this. If it's something that can be sorted out at the very least a bit better, then you should do that..." Draco said.

Severus stood and slammed his hands down onto the desk. "I said that's ENOUGH!" He bellowed.

Normally, Severus was not one to yell. He preferred a cold, menacing approach, and the atypical outburst from someone Draco had known, in some capacity, for his entire life, startled the younger wizard for a moment.

Frowning, Draco shook his head, not allowing himself to be intimidated, and continued. "No. People die in this tournament. She needs to be focused. We need her focused. I have no interest in her dying, and certainly no intention of me dying over someone else's lovers' quarrel."

"It's not a bloody quarrel," Severus spat angrily.

Draco narrowed his steel colored eyes but didn't press the agitated dark haired man any further. "All the same."

Remus appeared in the door behind Draco. "Mister Malfoy, while I quite agree with your sentiment, I assure you that everything is cordial and under control. Now, I believe you have rounds to make?" The werewolf looked at Draco, who studied him a moment, glanced at Severus, nodded, and disappeared down the hall.

Remus stepped into the Defense classroom and shut the door behind him.

"You've been exceptionally distant since your dance..." Remus pointed out.

Severus leaned forward on his desk, hanging his head. "I've no bloody clue how to go about this. I cannot be..." His face contorted as if he tasted something foul, " _Friends_ with her."

Remus nodded in understanding. "You have to have some sort of working relationship, though. Perhaps lay out some ground rules?"

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, Remus," Severus turned around and ran a hand through his black hair. "I'll handle it."

Remus held up his hands in surrender. "Easy, Severus. I'm not here to lecture you. I'm just here to help."

Severus ground his teeth together. "I'll speak with her."

"Remember that she probably feels as awful as you do. She should be making her rounds around now," Remus said as he glanced at his watch. Severus merely continued staring out the window, and Remus left him to his thoughts.

For a few moments, he considered not speaking with her at all. They'd said their peace and had ended things as cordially as he thought was possible, but he hadn't predicted the difficulty in establishing distance whilst still in close proximity.

He ducked out of his classroom and into the hallway, knowing Hermione's rounds usually started in the dungeons. He passed Draco, who merely raised his eyebrow at him knowingly. Scouting the first floor and second floor, he found nothing. As he walked up to the third floor, Severus heard Ron Weasley's voice. Stepping up onto the staircase landing, Weasley and Hermione turned on the spot, wands raised out of habit.

Severus stood very still and looked between the pair, and then Ron scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "Right. I'll just continue on. You'll catch up."

Once Ron was out of earshot, Severus approached Hermione and his discomfort was apparent. "I wanted to..." His black eyes flitted somewhere over her head "Apologize for my discomfort. I do not wish to be a distraction for you in this tournament."

She shrugged and then folded her arms over her stomach and slouched slightly. After sighing, she spoke quietly. "You don't have any advice?"

He looked into her whiskey eyes briefly. "No," He said.

"I am probably just over-thinking the whole thing," She conceded. Then, she looked at him and said, "I'm uncomfortable too." He avoided her gaze, fearing he would turn into a puddle in front of her, and clenched his jaw tightly. Seeing his struggle, she said, "Time." It was a simple word, but that damned hope sparked in his chest once more. He looked down at her and felt his heart twist. "I'm putting in the work," She assured him. "We'll talk about it soon. I promise. I'd have talked sooner, but I wanted some progress, some proof."

He didn't say anything. Truthfully, he didn't trust his own voice. After a moment of silence, she spoke again. "Time?"

His eyes stung a bit and he swallowed the lump in his throat. "Time," He croaked.

She nodded, and her eyes looked sad, and yet determined. She turned around and headed to find Ron on the fourth floor. Severus watched her disappear down the hallway and out of sight and then turned on his heel. As he went to step down from the corridor to the staircase, he stopped. Turning to his left, he looked at a long disused door.

 _What do I truly want?_ He felt so lost though he was doing so much to find himself.

As if possessed, Severus walked to it, unlocked it with a staff password and entered. He walked through the room where Fluffy had been held, and down the ladder that had been attached to the trapdoor.

The Devil's Snare had long since been removed by Pomona. She'd taken the blasted plant back to one of her greenhouses, so Severus soon found himself standing on hundreds of keys that were scattered all over the floor of Flitwick's chamber. Flitwick's task had amused Severus, even then. Skilled flier as he was, Severus would be none too pleased to have to fight through a bunch of stinging keys. He pushed the old and rickety door open further and saw the destruction of the McGonagall's giant chessboard. It was exactly as it had been years before when the House Heads had rushed to find Harry. It was in this chamber they had found a young Ronald Weasley barely conscious with Hermione Granger tending to him.

He pressed forward, through Quirrell's troll chamber, which still smelled quite foul to his own chamber. It had been Hermione who had thrived in his challenge. _Vexing me even then, Granger._ Logic. Just like the second task would be. _She'll be fine._

He moved forward into the final room. There, he had seen a very young Harry Potter, unconscious on the floor. His heart had been nearly torn from his chest at the sight, at having potentially failed Lily one final and horrible time. Now, it was empty, and haunting, but for the mirror. There it stood, alone, unused to his knowledge for so many years.

He walked to it, staring at it in wonder as he had so many years ago. So many years ago, he had seen Lily forgiving him in this mirror, and now he knew he would not see the same thing. His life and heart had changed so much, and Lily had already forgiven him, so he could no longer want that.

Closing his eyes, he stepped one final step closer to the mirror. After several deep and steadying breaths, he opened his eyes slowly. His mouth dropped open at the scene before him.

There Hermione was, smiling, with a black haired child on her hip. The child was facing away from him, asleep on its mother's shoulder, but he knew it was his child. Hermione caught his eyes and her face lit up at seeing him. She approached him, stroking the child's back comfortingly and smiled at him. On her left hand, he saw both an engagement and wedding band. His eyes stung fiercely at he stared at his greatest desire. Whatever he had expected it to be, he hadn't expected it to be this exactly.

Reaching out, he touched his fingertips to the enchanted glass. It was cold and unyielding under his fingers. She looked at him from inside the mirror, his chest tightened even more, and she reached out and pushed her fingers against his. For a moment, he convinced himself he had felt her skin against his. Dropping his hand from the glass in defeat, he looked up at her one final time.

"Please, Hermione. Please choose me," He whispered to her. She looked sad to see him sad, and he turned away.

He could not allow himself to look back as he left. If he looked back, he knew he would not be able to drag himself away. As he moved from the room, he was startled to see Minerva standing in what had been the chamber of his challenge.

"Severus... You didn't..."

"The wards alerted you?" His voice was deeper as he tried to conceal his emotion.

"Yes," She said softly. "Why?

"I needed to see," He said gruffly.

"Severus..."

"Don't. Please, don't," He pleaded. He looked at her for a moment and then swept past her. She allows him to return to his quarters unbothered, and he was grateful for that. He had enough to sort through and make sense of for himself before he could even attempt to have it make sense for someone else.

 _"Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn't have. Maybe there's a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again." ~ Tell the Wolves I'm Home_


	109. Chapter 109

Severus sat in between Remus and Horace and behind Minerva for the Second Task. Lucius was several rows behind him toward the top of the staff box. He had caught sight of Hermione's parents, but he had absolutely no intention of staying long enough to be caught up in any sort of conversation with them. He would leave as soon as Hogwarts was finished with the task as it was the last school to go and he could slip away without hearing about it from Minerva lately.

Horace leaned into him. "Severus, my dear boy, I've noticed you and Miss Granger have been spending a lot of time apart. Is everything all right?"

Severus looked at him quickly and then shrugged. He couldn't very well keep it from the staff, especially staff who had stood by him so fiercely throughout the latter part of the war. "We're not together at the moment. It's quite a long story, Horace."

Horace's gooseberry eyes widened. "Oh, then we mustn't do it here. Over drinks soon?"

"Indeed," Severus said lowly, aware that both Remus and Minerva were listening.

"I do hope you are doing all right, Severus. You, of all people, deserve to be happy in this new world."

Severus forced a tight smile at that for his former Head of House. Horace, with his small attention span, was distracted talking to Hagrid next to him a minute later. Severus paid hardly any attention as Beauxbaton escaped with barely a minute left to spare and as Durmstrang did not manage to finish. Instead, their champions quarreled endlessly amongst themselves - their school now torn over having the reality of Karkaroff shown to them.

The Hogwarts team entered the room and Severus watched on the giant screen as the foursome glanced around the room. Then, the clock started ticking. Though logic puzzles usually interested Severus very much, he found little enjoyment in this task. Hermione was, as usual, a leader. She and Luna and Draco excelled at puzzles such as these, but Justin proved very useful at finding various clues and pieces of the puzzles throughout the space.

Inattentive as he was, Severus couldn't help but notice just how much Hermione thrived in this competition. Her team was formidable. They were survivors, top of their classes, the epitome of their houses and of Hogwarts. Of that, there was no question, but _she_ was a cut above the rest. He felt quite proud of her as she worked effortlessly through the room, but feeling proud stung now, and he averted his eyes.

"Doing okay?" Remus asked.

"Don't you start in on me too," Severus growled. He adjusted his scarf and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Bloody freezing."

Lupin looked at him suspiciously, but he didn't press him. The bell of task completion sound and Snape glanced at the clock. The Hogwarts Champions had finished in 47 minutes. Of course they had. Standing whilst everyone else around him was cheering, Severus slipped down the steps to get well ahead of the crowd.

"Severus?" A voice called from behind him.

Hermione's mother was smiling sadly at him as he turned toward her. "How are you?"

Severus felt uncomfortable at her question, at conversing with her, but he also found himself incapable of lying to her. "It's been one of the more difficult experiences of my life."

Her mother reached out to him and touched his arm gently, in a motherly way. "I have prayed for the pair of you. I've no idea what you all believe in this world, but I have been filled with a sense of peace. I trust in that peace. Have faith, Severus."

Severus stared at her in disbelief. He stood up straight and rubbed his hands together. "I wish I shared your confidence," He said. "I have plenty of grading to do, so I need to be heading back."

"Of course. Have faith, Severus."

He clenched his jaw as he descended the steps quickly and walked briskly back to the castle. He was all but sprinting away from the quidditch pitch, and he barricaded himself in his quarters. Pulling a chair closer to the fire, he felt nothing would ever warm his body up enough again, and that no warmth would ever touch his heart again.

Despite how confident he was that he was doing right by Hermione in allowing her this time and space, and that he was treating himself better than he ever had in his entire life, it still felt horrid. Severus had no duties Saturday or Sunday night and fully intended on sifting through the many thoughts and emotions he was dealing with.

Monday night, he returned for his weekly counseling session, and found himself tentatively looking forward to it as he sat in the waiting room. Linda called him back promptly. The last couple of sessions, he and Linda had mostly focused on the war and his role in it, how that affected him. They had skimmed over his relationship with Hermione for he most part, but Linda was able to connect the dots. Today, though, Linda intended to take him down a much more difficult and more painful path.

Upon walking into the room, Severus found the furniture had been rearranged. A chair sat directly across from where he usually sat on the couch, and Linda sat in a seat that was pulled closer and sat roughly in the middle of the two seats, but off to the side.

"Take a seat," She said gently.

He eyed the chairs skeptically. A feeling of dread began to build in his stomach and he had the sudden urge to flee, but his body betrayed him. He was sitting before he knew it.

"How are you doing, Severus?"

"What is this?" He stared at the chair before him.

Linda pressed. "I know you were apprehensive about the Second Task. How did it go?"

"The Hogwarts team won," Severus said irritatedly. "What is this?"

"Have you heard of the empty chair technique, Severus?"

"No," He said icily.

"Well, it's a role-playing technique that allows for the patient to engage in much needed and therapeutic conversation with an imagined person. The imagined person might be themselves at a different age, a family member, a friend..." She explained.

His eyes grew cold. Whatever this was, he did not like it. He stiffened in the chair and closed his body language off as much as possible. "And just which person am I supposed to imagine?"

Linda's smile was soft. "Well, today, I thought we might talk about your childhood, Severus. Specifically, I thought you might talk to your mother."

Her words cut him like a knife. "And if I've nothing to say to her?"

"Oh, I very much doubt that to be the case, Severus."

"This is absurd."

"I can see that you're uncomfortable..."

"It's imaginary."

"It's therapeutic."

"Ludicrous," He rolled his eyes and then stared at the chair. His hands began to tremble and Linda took notice of that.

"You're nervous, Severus. It's okay to be nervous. It's okay. Just talk to her about how you felt about your childhood, about the things that occurred. Talk to her about how you felt about your relationship with her."

His black eyes were sparkling in a way that was both dangerous and heartbreaking as he stared at that dreadful chair. He opened his mouth, but no words came for awhile. Finally, he sighed. "This is ridiculous."

"How do you feel about things that occurred in your childhood?"

Severus looked at her. "It was unfair."

Linda shook her head. "Don't tell me, Severus. Tell her," She said and gestured toward the chair.

Suddenly, he could see her sitting there, as his mind allowed the fantasy to play out. She looked frail and sickly, much like she had the last time he had seen her well before the the second war. It had been so long since he'd truly thought about her that she looked different. He couldn't quite place the wrinkles on her face, or the sharpness of her features. Her eyes, though, were as disarming as ever in their flatness and black depth. In her eyes, Severus could see how broken she had been all over again and it was painful. She looked cross and sullen, as she had his entire life, but hidden under all of that was a profound and pervasive sadness that she had been incapable of escaping.

"It wasn't fair, Mum," Severus said and his voice was hesitant and uncertain. "It wasn't fair to you, or to me. You had a responsibility for my safety, for my care. You stood by and did nothing, said nothing, while he screamed, while he raised his hand against you, against me. You did nothing while he pissed away any money he earned. You did nothing when he ridiculed me, when he called me a freak."

Severus stopped. He felt his rage growing out of control and his magic sparked across his clothing. When Linda spoke, her voice was very calm and soothing. "Severus, how must your mother have felt during all of this? How did she act? How did she change over the years?"

Considering her questions for a moment, Severus took a deep breath. "She was broken. Her parents essentially disowned her when she married my father, and when he revealed his true colors, she was stuck. Divorce is nearly unheard of in our world."

"What did she do when your father was yelling at you, or when he got physical with you?"

"She screamed at him to stop. She begged him..." Severus shuddered as he remembered her pleas. "'Use me instead. Please don't touch him. Don't hurt him. It's my fault!'" He looked away from the chair, away from his imagined mother, ashamed of his own anger.

"How was your relationship with her when your father wasn't around?"

"She would teach me spells, let me read her own textbooks. She would let me watch the tele, and she would..." Severus absently touched a sensitive spot behind his ear. "She tucked my hair behind my ear over and over."

"Do you think she was scared of your father?"

"Yes."

"Do you think she felt trapped?"

"Yes, but I begged her to leave. I said I could hide her. I said I would take care of her. She wouldn't leave. She was so sick at that point. She repressed her magic for years. She wasn't in her right mind," Severus confessed softly. His dark eyes moved back to the chair where the figment of his mother sat silently with tears streaming down her wrinkled face.

"What is the happiest you ever saw your mother?"

"She was happier when my father wasn't at home, but she cried when I got my Hogwarts letter. She told me that I would get to leave for most of the year, that she was happy for me, proud of me. I could make friends and have normal clothing and eat regular meals."

"It sounds like she loved you. She wasn't perfect, but it sounds like she had her own issues as well. Your father was treating her as badly or worse than he was treating you. Why do you still resent her so much? Tell her."

Severus ground his teeth together. He felt the anger rising in his chest again. "You should have chosen me. I should have been more important than the shame a divorce might be. I should have been more important than reputation. You should have chosen me! I would have done anything to make it better, to make it stop. Your staying blamed me as much as his violence and his words did."

"You're right, Severus," Linda said. His eyes snapped to her face. He didn't trust her words clearly. "You should be angry. Believe it or not, there is such a thing as righteous anger."

Wide eyed, Severus looked from Linda back to the chair. "Mum..." His voice cracked and he fought back tears valiantly. "I'm so sorry," He said and his voice was weak. "Mum... I forgive you." He wiped at a rebellious tear that trickled down his cheek. "I forgive you. I forgive you." The forgiveness and resolution washed over him like a warm shower on a cold day, and he nearly wept in spite of his best efforts to control his emotions. "I forgive you."

 _"It is important for people to know that no matter what lies in their past, they can overcome the dark side and press on to a brighter world." ~ A Child Called 'It'_


	110. Chapter 110

January turned to February and February was quickly turning to March. Severus once again found himself seated across from Linda. Her brown eyes focus on his.

"You look much healthier than when I first met you, Severus. I'm very proud of the work you've done here. Are you proud of yourself?" Severus shifted and looked blatantly uncomfortable with the question. He frowned slightly, and Linda smiled. "You should be proud of yourself." He looked away from her and around the room for a moment. "We've worked through a lot, Severus. We've talked about the war. We've talked about your role as a double-agent. Your Unbreakable Vow over Draco Malfoy about Albus Dumbledore. We've talked about Lily, your mother, Harry, Sirius Black, James, Peter, Remus... But you have said very little about two people who obviously profoundly impacted you: your father, and Hermione Granger."

Severus' black eyes snapped back to her face and they began to glitter dangerously. He glared at her, daring her to speak, but Linda was not intimidated by him. She pressed him. "Why do you think that you avoid discussing those two people?"

Instantly, his face darkened and his demeanor changed. Scowling, he grumbled, "Well, one of them is dead."

Linda smiled a bit. "Many of those people you have discussed are dead - Albus, Sirius, James, Lily, Peter, your mother..."

Looking away from her, Linda could see his jaw muscle twitching as he clenched and unclenched his teeth. After a moment of tense silence, Severus said, "My father was an unpleasant man to merely talk to, or live with, and talking about him, reliving any experience I had with him, is even more unpleasant."

"Okay," Linda said. "That's a very honest answer, Severus. Thank you. What about Hermione?" Severus would die before he admitted it, but Linda's small compliments and encouragements meant the world to him. She knew him, the things he had done, and yet she was still kind to him, empathetic toward him.

He stiffened despite himself in the chair as he thought about Hermione. For the most part, he had tried to block her out of his mind completely, which was hard to do considering the circumstances. His frown deepened into a full blown scowl.

"I'd like to talk about either one of them today, Severus. Your father, or Hermione. The choice is yours."

Severus, like a petulant child, pouting slightly, stuck his foot out, hooked a nearby chair, and pulled it in front of himself. "Dad it is, then."

"You would like to do the empty chair technique, I take it?" She asked. Severus arched a brow high. "Okay. Go ahead," She said gestured toward the chair.

Severus stared at the chair. The anger behind his coal black eyes was frightening. As his hatred for his father swelled in his chest, he could see the man before him, scowling back at him from the chair - old, frail, with leathered skin from his addictions - like he'd been so many years before.

"You were a spiteful, bitter man who took your ignorance and unhappiness out on your wife and your child. What did she ever do? What did I do? Was my crime my conception?"

"Severus, do you know if your mother told your father she was a witch before they married?"

Severus looked at the figment of his father. Almost imperceptibly, the shadow-Tobias seemed to shake his head. Snape narrowed his eyes, looking into the cool gray gaze of his father. This wasn't real. The chair was empty. Why was he responding? "Revealing our world to Muggles is a serious crime. You know that as well as I do. I can't imagine she would have risked it."

"Do you think it's possible that he felt betrayed?"

"Nothing he may have felt could ever justify what he did. So many nights I hid under my bed while he beat my mother within an inch of her life. So many days I went to that bloody Muggle school with bruises all over my rib cage, my arms, my legs. Nothing can ever excuse that."

Linda spoke in a very calming tone. "Severus, I'm merely trying to help you work through this anger."

Snape glared at the chair, and then huffed. "Have you seen it? What you did to me? The damage? Did you see it in Mum as she withered away? Did you see it in me in my bitterness? My insatiable rage? Do you see the fear you instilled in me?"

"What are you afraid of, Severus?" Linda asked softly.

Severus stared into his father's eyes. The figment of the man was trembling. "I fear nature and nurture both work against me. I fear attachment, love, marriage, children... Do you see what you've done to me? Do you see it all plainly now?"

The shadow shifted a bit at the questioning, but his eyes remained locked on Severus' eyes. "I needed you. I needed a father. I needed a mother. And you shit on all of it. You ruined me. You ruined her. Why?"

"He was an addict, Severus. He had a litany of his own problem that he was incapable of handling. It wasn't right. It wasn't your fault."

"I should have mattered more," Severus growled.

"You're right, Severus."

He stared at the chair. "I can't forgive you," he said and his eyes moved from the chair to Linda. "I can't forgive him. Do you know that I cannot remember one time in my life where he ever told me he loved me? And the times my mum said she loved me? I can count those on one hand. I can't forgive him."

Linda met his gaze evenly. "It's okay, Severus."

He frowned. "Aren't you supposed to tell me I need to forgive him to move forward in my life?"

Linda shrugged and sighed. "I'm not sure. Probably. But I don't believe that. I think that some things are not without our control to forgive. Whatever awaits us on the other side... That's his job or her job or their job. I don't believe that forgiveness is necessary. I don't think that forgiving your father is something that is necessary for your growth and healing. I think that recognizing that you don't need to forgive him, that you can move forward without doing that is the most important thing. Remember and recover. I think forgiving yourself is most important."

"Forgiving myself?" Severus raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. Forgiving yourself by letting go of that toxicity, retaking control of your own narrative. Making peace with yourself. Accepting that your past doesn't dictate your future, that you are not either of your parents."

He looked at Linda for a long moment and then back to the chair. The image of his father reappeared. Severus had long outgrown the man. The elder Snape stood less than 6'0" and he had grown so feeble as he aged. Severus looked, for the most part, healthier than he had. With Minerva's nagging, he'd been eating much better and much more regularly. He'd gained a bit of weight, though he could stand to gain more. His skin, while still pale, did not look as sallow.

The man he was imagining to be sitting across from him wore a familiar scowl, and he looked to be constantly scrutinizing the world around him, always second guessing everything. What could his mother have possibly seen in this man? He wasn't hideous, but he certainly looked as though he lived a thousand years of misery, and he looked very much like he had lived the life of an addict.

"Do you know much of your father's childhood?" Linda asked.

"No," Severus answered.

"He never spoke of it? What about grandparents?"

"I know nothing," Severus said. "I have never cared to investigate. If he was as horrid as he was and he avoided them, I can only imagine I wouldn't be pleased to meet them."

"Do you have anything else to say to your father, Severus?"

Severus looked at the chair, at the man he envisioned to be sitting there. "If I ever get the chance, I'll be everything you weren't." He set his jaw, and glared.

The steely eyes met his again, and the older man nodded his head slowly. Severus tore his eyes away from the empty chair and looked at Linda. Suddenly, he felt very vulnerable, but his therapist calmed growing anxiety quickly.

"You did really well, Severus. I'm sure that was a very difficult thing to do."

Looking around the room as a way to distract himself, Severus swallowed hard.

"Next week, I would like to talk about Hermione. Does that sound fair?" The professor looked at her with a hint of anger in his eyes, but he said nothing. She must have taken his silence as some sort of acceptance that he wouldn't fight her on it because she smiled at him. He stood as she opened the door and he walked out of the office, not sparing a backward glance or even a hint of emotional vulnerability.

 _"It lessened some of the suffocating weight I carried by finally opening up to a counselor." ~ If There's No Tomorrow_


	111. Chapter 111

Author's Note: Hermione's POV

The next weekend was a Hogsmeade weekend, and Hermione walked next to Harry and Ginny, who were trailing behind Ron and Lavender. Severus and Remus were the staff chaperones and hung back quite far from the students who were making the trip. As usual, they visited The Three Broomsticks and ordered Butterbeer. The conversation was mostly about school for awhile, then the Tournament, and then it shifted toward Hermione's personal life. Hermione supposed that this was because she was the only one with some sort of variance in her personal life.

"So, what's been going on with you and Snape, Hermione? Any news? Other than class and meals, I can't ever seem to find him," Harry said.

Hermione shrugged as she drank her Butterbeer. "I've been pretty focused on getting myself sorted with group therapy. It's been really helpful. It's put a lot of things into perspective."

"What sort of perspective?" Ginny asked curiously as she watched Severus walked by The Three Broomsticks next to Lupin. Neither man looked to be speaking.

"I feel more confident that I'd like to teach. I do think I want to try a summer study abroad. Maybe to America or something. Just for the summer. But I do want to teach here, if Professor McGonagall will have me."

"You think she wouldn't? She'd be barking mad not to," Ron added.

Hermione smiled. "I'd hope so, but you ever know. There would have to be some sort of anticipated opening or position."

"'Mione, if McGonagall doesn't make a position for you, she's officially lost it," Ron said as he finished his Butterbeer.

They stood together and stepped out of The Three Broomsticks to head to George's jokeshop, as per usual.

"Hey, Hermione?" Ginny asked as she pulled on her gloves.

"Yes?"

"What's the verdict then? On you and Snape?"

"It's still a bit complicated, but he is who I want."

"Have you told him that?" There was something weird in Ginny's voice, and Hermione looked at her. Ginny added, "You might want to."

Ginny glanced over Hermione's shoulder as the older witch tightened her scarf around her neck. Hermione looked to what had drawn Ginny's attention and saw Severus and Remus. Surprised that Severus was anywhere to be found, since he typically avoided her like the plague, she smiled, but her smile faded quickly as she realized Severus was also standing next to a third person. It was a short, slender woman with blonde wavy hair and glasses. She was smiling at Severus in a way that revealed she knew him intimately, and she spoke with Remus as well briefly. None of the three people seemed to notice the group of students staring at them.

The woman smiled, and Severus gave her a small smile back, a smile that was a sign of trust, and respect. Remus shook the woman's hand and she walked off down the alley. Severus' eyes followed her down the alley as Remus talked to Severus. Severus nodded and turned his gaze back to Remus and he caught sight of the students. His black eyes locked with Hermione's and his face turned stony. Remus followed his gaze, saw Hermione, and then gestured to Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop after glancing at his watch. The two professors walked into the shop without another word. **No.** Hermione's heart thudded in her chest.

"You don't reckon he's with her, d'you?" Ron asked, and Ginny's and Lavender's elbow were equally sharp as they simultaneously stabbed him in the ribs with them. "Bloody hell!"

Hermione forced a tight smile, "Let's go see George."

She followed her friends quietly. Ron, who was always eager to change the subject from something awkward to something neutral, began babbling on about whatever new product George had discussed with him. Harry was far more empathetic and he stood next to Hermione.

Once the entered the shop, Harry asked, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," She shrugged. **He isn't. Wouldn't.**

"If it's any consolation, I don't think he would see anyone else. At least not until there was some sort of real resolution between the two of you, and even then, I don't know that he would... He loves hard, Hermione." Harry's words were comforting, but there was a tone of questioning in them.

"Then why'd he look so upset when he saw me?"

"He kind of always looks upset when he sees you. I've tried to catch him to see if he'd talk to me at all, but if he doesn't want to be found, he won't be."

Hermione smirked a bit at that. Years as a spy had given Severus skills beyond those of a normal person. If he wanted to, he could disappear practically in plain sight. She wandered around the store while George talked about some of his new products.

Harry was right, even if he doubted it entirely. Severus wasn't the type to "date," and he certainly wasn't the type to do that without any sort of hard resolution between the two of them. But he knew that woman. He smiled at her. He watched her walk away. His face had changed completely upon seeing that Hermione was there.

She had spent weeks going to group therapy, where she worked through so many of her issues with her closest friends, and she had attended two individual sessions so far where her therapy was much tailored to her and where she could speak about Severus much more plainly. In truth, she'd never felt more confident in how she felt about him, but there were still things she wished to discuss in counseling and anxieties she wished to tackle there before going to him and telling him that.

She didn't know how he would react to her wanting to study abroad for July and August, but she didn't think he would react too badly, but she wanted to feel secure in being able to make him feel secure. Her chest ached every day for him. Their bond was strong because they were each other's Secret Keepers, and they had, she had researched, inadvertently created a small soul bond when they intertwined their magic. She couldn't imagine he felt any different being separated from her, but those realities didn't stop the seed of jealousy and insecurity that rooted itself in the pit of her stomach.

 _"Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee." ~ Dark Lover_


	112. Chapter 112

As Severus sat diagonally across from Linda, he looked uncomfortable.

"Is something bothering you, Severus?"

He looked up at her. "Hermione saw us at Hogsmeade, when I introduced you to Remus."

"That bothers you?"

"She doesn't know I'm attending therapy, or that you are my therapist."

"So you're worried that she saw you just as a man with another woman?"

Severus shrugged. "Yes, and no."

"Tell me what's in your head."

"I'm worried, yes, because I can imagine it was unpleasant for her to see, without knowing, and that it made her feel insecure, but I've done nothing to dissuade those potential anxieties since I saw her watching."

"Why?"

"Because I'm embarrassed to be here doing this," He admitted with exasperation. "It's easier to have her think something, anything, else, I guess."

Linda flinched a bit at the words, but she sighed. "It's perfectly normal to be anxious about seeking help. The Muggle world is only just beginning to scrape the surface on eliminating the stigma that surrounds mental health and it's treatment. The wizarding world is much further behind, but make no mistake, Severus, it takes strength to admit weakness, to admit that you need help."

He looked at her, but he was guarded and she could tell he would be difficult today.

"Last week, we agreed to talk about Hermione this week," Linda reminded him.

He stiffened and closed his body language off. Clearly, he hadn't needed reminding. Still, he had shown up. He had yet to skip a session, which was more than most of her other patients.

"When is the last time you spoke with Hermione privately?"

"Before the Second Task," He said. His voice was clipped.

"How did that go?"

"Fine," He answered.

"Severus... I'm trying to help."

"It's difficult to discuss this," He said resignedly. "There's no resolution."

"How do you mean?"

"It's stagnant. Emotional quicksand. I feel helpless and pathetic, just waiting in the wings wishing she would come back." His dark eyes focused on the floor.

"Have you considered putting a limit on how long you will wait before you allow yourself to move on and heal?"

Black eyes snapped to her face. "No."

"Why not? If just waiting creates emotional quicksand, then why not allow your heart a date where it stops waiting and starts healing?"

"Things like this don't work that way," He said softly. His eyes moved away again. "At least, not for me."

"Romantic relationships?"

He nodded and looked suddenly very sad. "Yes."

"Why not?"

"I would wait a thousand years to be with her for just one night," He admitted, and then his ears reddened slightly and he was thankful for his long hair.

"Do you think it's possible to love someone and still move on from them?"

"For other people, perhaps."

"Why not for you?" Linda asked gently.

"For many years, I felt as if my heart died with Lily. I discovered it was still within my chest, battered and broken, when Hermione made me aware of its existence once more."

"So you feel as if you owe her?"

"It's not as toxic as you are making it seem," He growled at Linda.

"I am not trying to upset you, Severus. I want to understand."

"It's frightening. To know that in a fraction of a moment, as you look at snowflakes peppering her unmanageable curly mane, that you have fallen in love again, in the type of love that will last a lifetime. In a world wrought with fickle emotions, betrayal, and lust, I do not fit in. Perhaps something is different in my construction. I believe my life would be easier if I could love another way, but I cannot."

Linda stared at him for a minute, contemplating his words. "I do not think that being different in this way is a bad thing. Perhaps the world could stand to be a bit more like you."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "You're barking."

"No, I'm not. I believe that to be true, but I also believe it to be true that you are able to love someone and still live your life without running like a rat on a wheel. Doing that isn't fair to you."

His face dropped. "It may have escaped your notice, but life isn't fair."

She frowned slightly. "This is, by far, the most stubborn I have ever seen you. I feel as if you think I am attacking you, or trying to dissuade you from your feelings for Hermione." She watched his jaw twitch for a second. "That's not at all what I'm doing. You are admirable in how you love. You are selfless to no end, but I believe you could feel more at peace. You deserve freedom in every way, forgiveness, happiness, love..."

"I am free. I have been forgiven. I have loved more than most people do in their entire lives. I have been happy."

"You deserve all of those things actively."

"I love. Actively."

"What about happiness?"

"Happiness is fleeting," He answered plainly. "I see validity in what you say about setting some sort of timeline, but I cannot do it."

"Why's that?"

"There is no moving on. Not for me," He said softly. Linda stared at him questioningly. "We are bonded in more than one way."

"Bonded?"

"A somewhat weak soul bond," He admitted. When Linda raised an eyebrow, he added, "It was inadvertent."

"How do you inadvertently create a soul bond?" She asked. The ferocity of his glare had her turning pink as she realized what that entailed. "Ah. Soul bonds are irreversible? So is this time apart futile?"

"It's a weak soul bond. It's incomplete. For her."

"What do you mean?"

"In soul bonding, normally there are phrases recited, vows... Apparently, in the moment, thinking them is enough."

"So you are soul bonded to her?"

"Yes," He said.

"She is not soul bonded to you?"

"Not entirely, no. She accepted my commitment to her, without either of us knowing at the time what was going on, but she made no such commitment herself."

"How does that work, then?"

"She is free to choose. She will not suffer either way."

"You are not free to choose?"

"I could, yes," Severus answered. "Intimacy with another witch would sever the bond entirely, though it would be extremely unpleasant."

"How so?"

"My soul is bonded to her. Intimacy with... Someone else... would not hurt her, but it would hurt me. My soul is bonded to her, committed to her, faithful to her. I would... know."

"You would know if she were intimate with another man?" Linda's jaw dropped open.

"Yes," He said painfully. "The bond does not control me, and I am free to engage in whatever acts, but doing so would tear part of my soul in breaking the bond."

"Irreparably?"

"It would not be as dramatic as committing murder, in that splitting of a soul, but it wouldn't be a pleasant experience either. A very badly broken heart. In theory, it is always possible to gather the pieces of one's soul together again," He said. His voice was soft.

"If she knows that you are bonded to her, if she knows that it will be painful for you should she choose someone else..."

"She doesn't."

"What?" Linda gasped.

"She has no idea. She believes it was mutual, whatever it was. In reality, she accepted my soul, but did not give me hers. She wouldn't have known what to say, or think, I suppose. She researched, of course, but those books are quite out of reach of the average person. She found some romantic excerpt. What she feels is my bond to her. I have never told her anything otherwise. It was unplanned. Accidental. It is a bit embarrassing that I even thought the vows as they are so archaic. I would certainly not tell her now as it might influence her decision. That would be unfair. She should not consider being with me only to spare me pain."

"If she chooses someone else, you would break the bond, wouldn't you? Nobody should suffer that way."

"Soul bonds are meant to be reciprocal His black eyes were flat. "I suppose I must cross that bridge should I come to it."

 _"But our love it was stronger by far than the love_

 _Of those who were older than we—_

 _Of many far wiser than we—_

 _And neither the angels in Heaven above_

 _Nor the demons down under the sea_

 _Can ever dissever my soul from the soul_

 _Of the beautiful Annabel Lee." ~ Annabel Lee_


	113. Chapter 113

A shift in his wards startled him out of a restless sleep at the end of March. His black eyes narrowed against the darkness of his bedroom. He stood, barefeet landing on the cold stone floor. His heart began to race as he realized, in his exhausted state, that Hermione would be the only one in his rooms at this hour. He smoothed his hands over his T-shirt, and grabbed his wand.

He pulled the bedroom door open slowly and saw her. His heart leapt wildly around in his chest.

"I'm sorry I'm here so late," She said softly.

"You shouldn't be here at all - late or early," He said. His voice was gruff. When he saw the disappointment flooding over her face, he added, "But here you are. Is something the matter?"

She chewed her bottom lip. Every cell in his body wanted to crush himself to her. His touch starved body needed her, his love starved soul ached at being so close to the one whom he had committed itself to. But he stood. Stiffly. Firmly rooted in place.

"I don't want to be apart anymore..." She whispered into the space between them. "I want to be with you. I want to work to regain what we had and more."

"It's not that simple," He said. His defenses were traitorous, speaking before he could stop them.

She hung her head as he stood away from her. He pushed his trembling hands into his pockets. Every fiber of his being begged him to go to her, to smell her hair, to kiss her, to hold her, to take her back immediately and fully.

"We have to start somewhere," She said. Her voice sounded so defeated. "I've been going to one of those group therapy sessions. I feel more confident in myself. It's helped me gain perspective, and clarity, about a lot of things." Her whiskey eyes moved over his face.

"Indeed," He said smoothly. Sleep had run from voice as adrenaline coursed through his body.

"We have to start somewhere," She repeated as she looked at him. "Where would be comfortable for you?"

He swallowed hard and clenched his jaw. Truthfully, he felt terrified. He was, at the end of the day, a man madly in love with a woman who was asking to make things work, which was exactly what he wanted. It took all of his resolve not to collapse to the floor in a heap. His silence was unnerving for Hermione.

"If you're second-guessing things now, I understand. I imagine you didn't think it would take months for me to approach you with this..." She crossed her arms protectively over her chest, guarding her heart. "Unless... There's someone else?"

The twinge of jealousy colored her question. In a way, it delighted Severus that she should be jealous that he might hold interest elsewhere, but it made him all the more anxious because reality was much more vulnerable. "Do you deem me a fickle man?"

"No," She said. Her answer was quick, but then it was followed with a heavy silence. "But I saw you with someone else..."

"And what did you see, Hermione?" His fear of crumbling made him defensive and suddenly angry. "You saw a man having a conversation with a woman? Did I leave with her? Was I alone with her?"

"Well, no, but..." Hermione stammered. "It's just I've never really seen you talk to any other women, except for the other staff."

He narrowed his dangerously glittering eyes. "If you are here because you have some juvenile fear that I might have found someone else, you can rest assured that there is no one else."

The intensity of his words hung between them. Then she whispered, "I'm sorry."

Her apology softened him. "Don't be. It is natural to worry. Now you know there is no need."

"Who was she?"

His magic sparked across his pajamas. "It matters not."

"For someone I don't need to worry about, you're quite defensive." Hermione bristled. She had expected conversation with him to be difficult, for him to be guarded, but he hadn't expected him to have such an attitude.

"This conversation is going nowhere," He snapped bitterly and turned sideways away from her.

Hermione narrowed her eyes. He looked healthier in general. His skin wasn't so shallow. He had gained some weight. He seemed to be eating more regularly when she saw him at meals. She looked at his eyes. **He's still not sleeping well.** There were circles under his eyes. **Nightmares.** In the black depths, even in the poor lighting of his quarters, she could see so many emotions. **Loneliness. Heartache. Sadness.** Her heart wrenched in her rib cage.

She took a cautious step toward him and he snapped his eyes back to her. "It's time for you to go." He said. He looked wild, like an animal caught in a trap.

She sighed, and retreated. "Can we talk tomorrow? Or sometime within the week?" He nodded sharply, dismissively, and turned his back to her, waiting for her to leave.

She walked nearly silently over and stood behind him. She reached out and hovered her hand over his shoulder. He was breathing erratically. She could feel the hum of his magic under his skin.

His heart was pounding so loudly that he was sure she could hear it. His body ached for her, in ways he never thought possible. It wasn't just the bond, but it was certainly a driving factor. He missed her terribly. She was his best friend. His missed their banter, their conversations, reading together, the way he made her laugh...

Suddenly, her hand came down on his shoulder, over the thin cotton of his shirt, and he whimpered as if she had hurt him. He turned at lightning speed and looked down into her wide eyes. "Would you like a hug? I'd very much like a hug. I won't push you. I just miss you so much..." Her voice was pleading.

He wrapped her in his arms tightly and quickly, fearing she might change her mind if he acted too slowly. His heart pounded against his breastbone and he breathed in the scent of her hair. _Almond. Shea._ He whimpered into the embrace, a soft almost childlike sound and she squeezed him tighter. Magic radiated off of him as he felt connected to his heart and soul once again. His body was trembling and her hand moved over his back in calming circles. He wasn't sure how long they stood that way, but he felt himself nearly falling asleep standing up, relishing in the comfort of her embrace. Oh, how he would be able to sleep in her arms...

She pulled back a bit to look at him. "I want to recover, to heal, to grow. With you," She said with certainty. "I will meet you wherever you are most comfortable." He nodded. "We can talk again this week? After you've had time to think?" Again, he nodded. She stepped back out of his embrace and he frowned deeply at the loss of contact. Noticing his hurt, she grabbed his hand and held it between hers. "We will take this at your pace. I love you, and I'm certain of that."

His eyes went wide, and he nodded slowly again. He was such a different man near her - vulnerable, emotional, speechless. She moved to his fireplace and stepped inside, gathering Floo powder in her left hand. Instinctively, he reached out and grabbed her right hand. He wanted to beg her to stay, he wanted to right every wrong right then and there. Instead, he simply whispered, "I love you," and she was gone in a blaze of green.

 _"The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it..." ~ At First Sight_


	114. Chapter 114

Author's Note: So, apparently, some people read nearly 200 chapters of FanFiction that they don't like. I guess I thought it goes without saying that if you don't like it, don't read it. In no way do I agree that I am portraying a psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship. That is not the intent and has never been. I've actively written plot points against that, but I can't win all of you over. The rest of you guys have been so awesome the last couple chapters reviewing. I love writing for you!

Severus approached Hermione after dinner the next day. Standing behind her, without her knowing, he watched as her friend's eyes widened instinctively, and he could hardly contain the smirk. Potter raised an eyebrow at him and quickly led her friends away. Hermione turned to face him.

"If you have time, there is something I would like to discuss with you."

Hermione blushed furiously and couldn't contain her smile. "Yes, of course."

"I need to finishing brewing Lupin's potion. I have time before the next step if you'd rather speak somewhere other than my quarters," He offered. His dark eyes focused on her face. She had his full undivided attention and she had missed that.

"Wherever you are most comfortable," She shrugged and smiled.

Glancing at the clock on the wall, he looked suddenly nervous. "Perhaps my quarters. That potion, as you know, is quite delicate."

She nodded and walked next to him. She couldn't help but notice how he shortened his stride to stay near to her, yet he looked oddly stiff and anxious. He held his door open for her, glancing over her head down the corridor.

He moved quickly to the potion in his personal lab off from the sitting room to check on its status. She follows after him curiously. When he brewed, he was fascinating to behold - such intellect and grace and focus. He glanced over his shoulder at her as he deemed the potion up to standard.

"Tea?"

"No, perhaps in a bit," She said.

"I am sorry," He said at last as he turned to face her. She looked at him questioningly. "I was not amicable last night."

She shrugged and laughed a bit. "Well, I showed up in the middle of the night, Severus. You were right to be guarded."

"I was also not completely forthcoming, and I regret that." He stared at her with intensity.

"How so?" Hermione crossed her arms over her chest loosely and leaned against the door frame looking at him curiously.

"The woman you mentioned, the one you saw me talking with..." He said and she quickly bristled. He backtracked immediately. "No, no. Nothing like that," His voice cracked a bit as he implored her to believe him. When she relaxed, he continued. "She is my therapist. I saw her, and she said hello casually so as to not reveal to Remus how she knew me, but I introduced her as what she is to me, to Remus. I hoped he might... Consider seeing someone. I suppose I hoped that the chance meeting might make therapy a more real possibility for him."

Hermione relaxed more. "That's very thoughtful of you. But, Severus? Why wouldn't you tell me that she was your therapist?"

He flinched at the phrasing. "Stigma, I suppose."

"Are you upset or embarrassed that I am going to see a therapist?"

"No," He said. His answer was quick and firm. "I am proud of you for seeking help."

"Severus... I'm proud of you, too," She said softly.

His eyes widened as he fully realized her acceptance. "I am sorry I was not transparent."

She looked at him, studied his closed off and reserved body language. He looked as if he were prepared for a fight, though they had not truly fought in months, so she continued assessing him. **No. He's not ready for a fight.** He was prepared to be hurt. "It's okay, Severus. I understand why you weren't. I'm sure it's hard to trust me to react positively toward you, or to trust me to stay here in this room with you, in this life with you. I would like the opportunity to earn your trust."

A bit of relief smoothed his stressed features. All too quickly, though, his face darkened again. "There's something else."

She narrowed her eyes at him. He cleared his throat, which was uncharacteristic, and gestured toward the sitting room. "I need to finish this potion. If you'd like to make yourself more comfortable?"

She didn't protest. She sat on his couch as she had so long ago on that first night when he had asked her to be his Secret Keeper. In a few minutes, he emerged from the lab. "I... need assistance," He said. When a question crossed her face, he showed her his shaking hands.

"That seemed to be happening less," She noted as she moved back with him into the room where she promptly bottled the potion. When she turned back to him, he looked incredibly frazzled. One shaking hand was in his hair and the other was in a fist at his side. "It has been happening less?"

He nodded, and then walked out of the lab. She followed him and sat on the couch as he paced nervously in front of her. "What is it, Severus?"

He stppped to look at her briefly. "I..." He swallowed. "You are... _certain?_ "

She looked confused, but nodded emphatically. "Yes."

"I feel very conflicted. My therapist says I should tell you, that not telling you is unfair to you, and to me, but I fear telling you so much, Hermione. If I tell you... You might be angry. Appalled. You might change your mind. It might influence your decision in a way I never intended to happen. I did not mean for this to happen. I swear to you."

"Severus... I have a feeling that you are making this more difficult right now than if you were to be completely honest. Can you sit, please? You're making me nervous," She said. He obeyed immediately, as if calming her anxiety would calm his own, and sat in the chair nearest her. He turned it to face her fully.

He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, lacing his shaking fingers together. "Hermione..."

"It's okay, Severus. I'm not going anywhere," She reassured him. His breath hitched.

In a moment of weakness, he closed his eyes and pleaded, "Say it again."

She smiled. That small request was a leap of faith for him. He _trusted_ her to say it again. "I'm not going anywhere."

Opening his black eyes, he looked at her face, then down at his own hands. "Do you remember how you researched soul bonding after we were intimate?" He asked. He sounded more nervous than she'd ever heard him.

"Yes?" She asked. She hadn't the slightest idea where he was going with this.

"I... We... I did as well. After we separated. I was... experiencing... Symptoms I couldn't explain. Hermione... I..." He swallowed and looked at her. His eyes were desperate. "I bonded my soul to yours. I had no idea. The vows are ancient. Words I read so many years ago. I thought they had to be spoken, but apparently thinking them in the moment is enough..."

She looked shocked as she watched panic settle on his face. "I'm not bonded to you?"

"No. I gave you my soul. You did not give me yours."

"And you're asking for it?"

"No. No. Absolutely not," He said firmly. "It's... Complicated."

"How so?"

"I bonded my soul to you, but it's not unbreakable. These things aren't permanent, especially so outside of wedlock. You merely accepted my soul bond, albeit unknowingly. You did not bond your soul to me. You are very much free to choose whatever or whomever you want in life."

"But..." She said and he paused. "This sounds like there's a 'but' coming..."

"Hermione..." Then, he did something very strange. He moved from the chair to the floor in front of her. On his knees, his face was inches from hers. "If... Are you absolutely certain of me?"

"Yes," She repeated without hesitation.

"There's more..."

"Oh, bloody hell, Severus. Out with it!" She demanded. She wasn't angry, but she definitely felt anxious as she looked at his behavior.

"My soul is bonded to you. To your soul. It's meant to be a reciprocal bond. It gives insight into the other person. In this case... I would be able to sense if you were... with someone else romantically, or intimately... The only way for me to not feel that would be to sever the bond I made by...engaging intimately with someone else."

A look of horror passed over her face. "You'd be able to sense _what_?"

He looked at her. His eyes were watery and panic stricken. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I didn't mean to do this."

"And you'd have to break the bond _how_...? And just what would that do to _you_? It's a soul bond. It's not some standard promise..." She looked a bit ill.

"It would tear a part of my soul to break the bond," He admitted and hung his head. She gasped. He couldn't bear to look at her. She would leave again, and it would be the end of him.

"What symptoms were you experiencing that caused you to look into this?"

"It's hard to describe. Aching constantly. Wanting to do anything to be near you. It sounds like standard heartache, but I can assure you that it was much more intense than that." He kept his eyes on the stone floor. Severus couldn't bear to see rejection in her eyes.

Instead, she touched a finger under his chin to get him to meet her eyes. "You are a fool, Severus Snape. You kept this from me so it wouldn't influence my decision?"

"Yes," He said meekly. "I'm sorry."

"You would have endured that had I chosen someone else? You would have endured knowing every time, or split your own soul?"

He shrugged. His lip was trembling. "If I knew you were happy... If I knew that's what you wanted..."

"What if I want you? Would you have me? At your pace?"

"Yes," He whimpered instantly.

"And if I wanted to do a two month study abroad between graduation and an apprenticeship, if I should get one, you'd support it? Would you come with me?"

He shook his head and looked very sad. "No. I have a contract with Hogwarts and St. Mungo's with Slughorn. We will spend two months brewing constantly to fill their quotas. I... whatever you want to do, I support you. I hope you know at least that much. I would die before I held you back. Surely, I made that clear by now..."

"What do you need for me?"

"Anything I would say now would be the desperate pleas of the boy I was so long ago, Hermione."

"Do you need time to think about it?" She asked patiently. "That boy is a part of you, so if you want to voice those things, whatever they may be, you can."

"I feel very anxious and vulnerable at the moment," He said as he tried to slow his breathing and wrap his mind around what was happening.

She was quiet for a long time. He was kneeling before her, leaning toward her on the couch but keeping a respectable distance between them.

"You gave me your soul?"

"Yes," He said softly. His dark eyes darted to her face quickly and then looked away again.

Her thumb stroked his cheek gently as she cradled his face in her palm. "How do I give you mine?" Severus looked confused and he searched her face for answers. "My soul?"

"Hermione..." He warned though his heart raced at the mere thought. _She couldn't mean that..._

She smiled at him. She leaned into him more and he stared at her uncertainly. He knew that if he kissed her he would lose all defenses. He turned his face and she smirked. "Your pace," She giggled lightly, and pressed her lips firmly to his cheek. She had so missed his skin. He looked at her in awe.

He nodded as he pulled away from her and stood. Holding his hand out, she placed hers in it and stood, staring up at him as she had so many times before.

"I love you," She said. "I have some studying to do, but I can drop off Remus' potion while I make rounds before I head back?"

He nodded, not trusting his own voice. He gathered the dosage for the next day for Remus, and handed it to Hermione. She peered up at him again. "Sleep well tonight, all right? Rest in the fact that you are so very loved, and that I am here, and I'm committed. I love you."

Closing his eyes, he steadied himself. She held his hand in hers, fingers gently lacing into his. _Trust her. Trust her._ He could have broken down and sobbed, but there were reservations still within him. He was on edge and anxious yet about his confessions to her. "And I, you, Hermione."

" _You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling." ~ Tuesdays with Morrie_


	115. Chapter 115

Severus and Hermione took things quite slowly over the next two weeks. For the most part, when they spent time together alone, which was only two nights each week, she would be studying for her exams, and he would be grading.

When Severus met Hermione by the lake that Friday evening to head into the Forbidden Forest for potions ingredients, he walked silently and in stealth. She was humming and singing quietly and, God, he had to know whatever song happened to be in her heart. She was beautiful, and he was unbelievably happy to have her back, despite his abundance of caution in his physical affections. He had yet to kiss her, fearing he'd never be able to stop, and fearing that if she left again, he wouldn't survive it. The urge to touch her, to kiss her, to hold her was beginning to consume his every thought.

She was bundled in her robes. Her voice was quiet, and muffled by the cool spring breeze. He listened to her humming and recognized it as a song from The Phantom of the Opera. For a few moments, he listened to her, finding her place in the song. When she sang, it was glorious, but brief. "Say you love me..."

He smiled, and spoke to her the next line in a slightly sing-song tone, "You know I do."

She turned quickly and smiled at him. He found himself breathless again. "Hi!"

"Hello," He inclined his head to her. He outstretched his hand toward the forest. "Shall we?"

She smiled brightly, and walked next to him. "How was your day?"

He shrugged. "Ordinary. And yours?"

"It was good!" Instantly, she launched into a long story about how she had been helping Harry and Ron master a rather complicated Transfiguration assignment. Watching and listening to her talk about things she loved was something he would gladly do for the rest of his life.

They had fallen into a timid yet comfortable progression between them. Each was anxious to move forward, yet both had reservations.

She stopped speaking suddenly and looked at him. Startled by her silence, he stopped as well. "I was listening...?" He said tentatively, worried that he had appeared disinterested.

"I know," She said. "I..." Her eyes looked watery.

He furrowed his brow and turned to face her completely. "Whatever is the matter?"

"You are being so..."

He flinched. Though she very rarely had ever insulted him, he was prepared for it now. _Distant. Frustrating. Difficult. Cold._

She stared into his eyes. "Wonderful."

His mouth dropped open a bit at her word choice. "Wonderful...?"

"You forgave me. Not just in word, but in deed as well. It feels... Wonderful."

His mouth felt suddenly dry as he stared down at her. The freckles across her nose were constellations he could spend eternity connecting. _Lord have mercy..._

She looked around them. "What ingredients are you looking for?" She moved away from him and off the path a bit, and her eyes were moving over the ground.

He didn't take his eyes off of her. He didn't even hear her speaking, pointing out various ingredients she noticed. He wanted so badly to fall into the grace he felt between them. His breathing quickened and he felt suddenly panicky. She turned to him, concerned that he had been so quiet, and rushed back to him.

"Severus? What's wrong?"

His teeth began to chatter. "Nothing. It's nothing."

She put her hand over his chest and could feel his heart pounding beneath her palm. "It's panic. It's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here." He stared down at her, helpless in the waves of panic. "In through your mouth, out through your nose. Breathe with me," She said softly.

He shuddered as he focused on her breaths, matching his with her own. After a few minutes, he had calmed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Severus. You've been through Hell. We all have in our own way."

"Hermione..." He said softly. "Thank you." Slowly, tentatively, he pulled her in to hug her. His slender arms snaked around her back and held her tight against his body.

He could feel his magic reaching out to hers, the intimacy of even just a hug was enough to set his soul bond into overdrive. The closeness was something he craved so much, especially in this innocence. She was speaking into his robes. He strained to hear her. "Ye are Blood of my Blood, and Bone of my Bone. I give ye my Body..."

He recognized the words as the ones he had thought so many months ago. He pulled away from her quickly and silenced her with a finger over her mouth. "No, no. Hermione..."

"I want you to have my soul."

He shook his head. "You cannot possibly understand it completely, what you'd be giving away."

"Severus..."

He shook his head again. His finger trembled against her mouth. "No. No." His voice was weak and he was in awe of her, so willing to give her very soul to him. "You don't need to do this."

"What if this is what I want to do? What if I want to reciprocate the commitment you made to me?"

Resting his head against hers, "Not like this. Not here."

She stared up into his eyes. "You'll allow it someday?"

"Hermione, your soul is not something you should give away lightly. The only way to undo it is to tear a part of your soul in the process. That's no minor consequence."

"I'm not doing it lightly," She said stubbornly. "You gave me yours. Granted, you didn't know you were committing to it, but you thought those words, those vows, in that moment...Unless... You regret it?"

He took her hands in his. "Never."

"Then why...?"

His mouth crashed down upon hers, his hands holding hers, and he pushed her back against a tree. His hands moved to her face as he held her firmly pinned between his body and the tree. She rested her hands on his ribs, the thick wool of his frock coat under her fingertips. He kissed her innocently, yet fiercely. There was no push or pull for more. It was even a bit awkward, having not kissed each other for months, to suddenly have his lips on hers again. When he pulled back, he looked nervous yet relieved at the same time. He rested his forehead against hers.

"I want to make the same commitment... I've never been more certain of anything in my whole life."

"No, Hermione. Not now."

"Then when?"

He sighed and pulled away. His jaw muscle was flexing. He swallowed hard. "I don't know."

She looked confused. "I'm sorry. I'm pushing too much."

He glanced at her face quickly. "I appreciate the sentiment. Truly. You have no idea how much it means to me that you would even consider something like that."

"But..."

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. "This is very difficult for me to even discuss."

She nodded her head. "I understand. I'm sorry."

He shook his head and stiffened. "Shall we continue?" She walked silently next to him for a few minutes. Truthfully, she felt very anxious, that she had pushed him too far, that he might be angry, that he would pull away from her more, that there would be regression in what progress they had made.

"I am not upset with you," He said softly and held out his hand to her. "I just need to be certain that _you_ are certain about a great many other things before that plays into anything. I could not bear it, if you regretted it, if you tore your soul over me."

She looked sullen. "You are giving yourself liberties that you don't afford to me in kind." He raised an eyebrow. "You are the only one who can make these grand sacrifices, or put yourself at risk... I know it's hard for you to accept that someone might want to commit to you, sacrifice for you, in the same way that you do for them, but this isn't fair..."

Severus frowned and looked at the forest floor between them. "What would you do? Bond your soul to me here? Now?" His voice was soft and filled with disbelief.

She tugged at his hand and he dragged his eyes from the leaves beneath them to her face. "I thought you would be at least a little bit happy."

He clenched his jaw again. "I... I didn't tell you about what I did to push you to return it. I would never, ever ask for that from you."

"I know," She reassured him, then tugged at his hand to continue walking with him.

He changed the subject. "Have you talked to Professor McGonagall about an apprenticeship?"

"No, actually, I haven't. I guess I've been pretty focused on fixing stuff within my own head, and between us. Between that, studying, and the tournament, I've not got much else done." She shrugged, but he could sense that she was stressed.

He squeezed his fingers against her hand as a sign of reassurance. "You have plenty of time. There is a lot on your plate."

She smiled softly at him, as he plucked a few mundane flowers from a nearby tree - Lavender, Squill, and Daisy.

"You know you could have just gone to Professor Sprout for these ingredients?" Hermione smirked.

"Yes," He admitted without looking at her.

"And, since you didn't, that means you wanted to spend time with me here. Alone." His dark eyes glanced at her, and she smiled brightly at him. He looked nervous. "Thank you," She said as she leaned her head against his shoulder.

He walked quietly next to her, wandering aimlessly through the forest as he felt his heart calm in her presence, as he felt safer than he had with her in a long time. It had nothing to do with her desire to bond her soul to him, and everything to do with the blooming trust between the two of them.

 _"In healthy development, trust evolves. How do we decide whether to trust? We share a feeling with someone and watch their reaction; if the response feels safe, if it is caring, noncritical, non-abusive, the first step of trust has developed. For trust to grow, this positive response must become part of a relatively reliable pattern… Trust develops with consistency over time." ~ Secret Survivors_


	116. Chapter 116

The following Saturday, Severus was feeling quite under the weather. Hermione had asked to spend time together, so Severus was determined not to look as ill as he felt. His joints ached, he couldn't get warm, and his head was pounding.

"Are you feeling okay?" Hermione asked.

He glanced at her and then shrugged. "I'm feeling a bit under the weather," He admitted.

In that moment, an owl tapped on the window in his kitchen. He pinched the bridge of the nose and, when Hermione moved to fetch the letter, held up his hand to signal that he would get it. He walked to the bird, his gait a bit unsteady compared to his usual flawless grace. Hermione knew he wasn't feeling well because he hadn't bothered to dress completely. Usually, he at least wore his normal trousers and a white button down shirt, but today he was still in pajamas.

He took the letter from the owl's beak and looked at the seal. His stomach dropped when he saw the Ministry of Magic's seal. He flipped over the envelope and saw that it was addressed to him. His fingers began to shake as he tore the envelope open. He strained against his pounding head as he read.

 _Master Severus T. Snape,_

 _You are hereby summoned to appear before the Wizengamot. You are to appear at 9am on March 29, 1999 sharp. The hearing will pertain to the below case:_

 _Greyback, F., Umbridge, D., Yaxley, C_

 _vs._

 _Lupin, R., Snape, S._

 _Case No. 98-1212_

 _Failure to appear will result in a warrant being issued for your immediate arrest._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Jane Thorne_

 _Undersecretary for Kingsley C. Shacklebolt, M.o.M_

He read the letter several times over. His head felt like it might explode and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Severus?" Hermione called as she moved toward him. "Sev? What is it?"

He didn't budge as her hand rested on his sweaty back. She reached for the letter, which he didn't protest, and began to read.

"Bollocks!" She announcer loudly. If he hadn't felt so ill, he would have smiled at her word choice. Instead, his hands shook at his sides. "Absolute bollocks! Some different Minister, he is! He has his undersecretary do his dirty work just like the rest of the bloody politicians!"

He stared at her, helpless in his mounting anxiety. At that moment, there was a series of loud knocks at his door. He groaned at the noise.

"I'll get it," She said firmly. Her jaw was set. He leaned back against the kitchen counter and massaged his temples as he listened to her. "Oh, hello, Kingsley. Nice of you to show up too late."

"Hermione, is Professor Snape here?"

"He's not feeling well," She said defiantly.

"Hermione, I really must insist."

She glanced at him over his head and he grumbled, "It's fine."

She opened the door and Kingsley, Remus, and Minerva walked in to his quarters.

Remus looked disheveled and anxious. "Perhaps we should speak separately. Teddy can't take potions for illnesses like adults can yet." He nodded at Minerva and Kingsley and then locked eyes with Severus for a long moment. His blue eyes were filled with apprehension and it amplified Severus' own already tremendous anxiety.

"Severus, I apologize for my undersecretary. She's knew. She didn't know I would have preferred to deliver those two letters myself." Severus merely stared at Kingsley. His face was hard, his eyes shielded, but his jaw was clenching over and over repeatedly. "I'm sorry, too, that there's to be a hearing at all. Unfortunately, Umbridge has demanded a grand hearing before the Wizengamot to determine whether or not there is enough evidence or reason to pursue a case. She, despite how awful she is, has that right. Her goons just do as she says."

Severus' black eyes blazed. "And the charges?"

"Malicious Use of Magic with the Intent to Cause Harm."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "One of the charges she is being charged with for what they did to Lupin, and to me?"

"Yes," Kingsley said and nodded. "The hearing is a formality. There's no leg for her to stand herself upon."

"And the potential punishment for such a crime?"

Kingsley looked tense. "At the very least, Admonitors, and at most, a wand snapping. But, Severus, you mustn't worry."

Severus sneered, "Pardon me, _Minister,_ but I've trusted you to take care of such things before, and it never seems to pan out well for me. I _must_ worry."

Hermione touched his arm, "Sev... I'm sorry. He's ill."

He ground his teeth as Kingsley looked him over. Shacklebolt sighed and admitted, "It's all right. He's right. I haven't defended him fiercely enough. I won't make the same mistake again. I'll speak with you, and Remus, again soon. Headmistress, we have other business to which we must attend."

Minerva nodded and approached Severus. Kingsley moved toward the door and glanced at his pocket watch. Minerva touched her fingers to Severus' forehead. "Oh, poor lad." He flushed furiously, red on sickly pale cheeks. "You'll get him the right potions?" She asked Hermione, who touched Severus' back again, and nodded. "Rest, Severus."

He watched Minerva disappear with Kingsley. Hermione guided Severus back to the couch and had him sit. She touched his forehead with the back of her hand. "I'll be back in a moment."

He rubbed at his temples again until she reappeared and handed him a headache potion, and a fever reducing potion. He downed them and looked up at her with wide but tired eyes.

"What is it, love?" She asked softly.

"Nobody's... Done this in... Merlin, I can't remember," He said. His voice was raspy.

"It's all right. I'm here now." She conjured a pillow and blanket for him. Instead of laying with his feet toward her, he surprised her when he put the pillow against her thigh and laid his head on her lap. He was such a stoic man, a body language all his own - subtle and often contradictory, and his gesture was so trusting.

"Please don't leave me again," He murmured. "If they snap my wand, please don't leave. If they convict me, please don't leave." His fever was high enough to allow that tiny boy he'd once been, the boy locked so deeply within the man he'd grown to be, to speak freely. He was scared of, more than anything, losing her again.

She stroked his hair gently. "I will never leave you again, Severus. Never. I swear to you." He whimpered at her words and she continued talking him so softly. Eventually, he drifted off to sleep, but she kept talking to him, whispering promises and assurances, so that they penetrated his feverish sleep.

 _"We are never through with the requirement for acceptance. This isn't a curse limited to the inadequate and the weak. Insecurity may even be a peculiar sign of well-being. It means we haven't allowed ourselves to take other people for granted, that we remain realistic enough to see that things could genuinely turn out badly and that we are invested enough to care." ~ The Course of Love_


	117. Chapter 117

Hermione looked over at Severus as he sat with his one leg crossed over the other as his eyes stared into the flames in his fireplace. He was sitting on the other end of his couch. She sat near him, but she'd just arrived and hadn't touched him yet.

He looked tired and he worried his bottom lip between his teeth. The past week had been long. News of his hearing, scheduled for the upcoming Monday, had broken to the public, and the students were outraged that two of their professors were being targeted by Umbridge. Umbridge was, to many of them, someone who actually had abused them just a few years ago. Greyback and Yaxley were people who had just stood on the opposite side of a battle from them a nearly a year ago. Snape and Lupin were professors, former Order Members, and people who had protected them and educated to the best of their ability, even if Snape had done it from the shadows.

Hermione held a copy of a letter that the student body had drawn up and held signatures of nearly every one of the just over 300 students at the school. She was apprehensive to show him, though she knew he would be astonished at the support.

She reached out and touched his back. He leaned forward uncharacteristically and allowed her to rub his back. He was warm, still fighting off whatever illness he'd caught, but his fever hadn't resurfaced for several days. "Severus?" She ventured gently.

"Mm?" He grunted.

"I've something to show you."

He looked at her and sat up straight. Her hand moved from his back to the letter in her lap, and his eyes followed her hand to the paper. He raised a black eyebrow. She handed him the copy of the original letter, which had already been mailed to Kingsley.

He eyed it suspiciously and then unfolded it. His dark eyes moved over the inked words.

 _Minister Shacklebolt,_

 _We, the undersigned students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, are writing to you to express our support of Professors Remus Lupin and Severus Snape._

 _As professors at Hogwarts, their value is immeasurable. One simply has to look at the test scores, high rates of student engagement, and rigorous curriculum of either man to know that they are successful teachers. Professor Lupin has served as a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, a Transfigurations teacher, Gryffindor Head of House, and as a Dueling Coach. Professor Snape has served as a world renowned Potions professor, a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, a Headmaster, a Deputy Headmaster, Head of Slytherin House, and as a Dueling Coach. Their academic prowess is blatantly apparent. It is, obviously, in our best interest as a student body that these professors should remain free and teaching at Hogwarts._

 _While they are accomplished and skilled teachers, their value at Hogwarts does not solely rest in academia. To us, they are more than professors. To us, they are heroes, and, for many of us, comrades-in-arms. Both of these men faced unspeakable evil over the course of the last two decades. Both of these men sacrificed their youth, their physical and mental health, and their safety for the students of Hogwarts in its quest to defeat Lord Voldemort. Both of these men would have died to ensure that Hogwarts would have been victorious. Both of these men very nearly gave that ultimate sacrifice._

 _Nobody came out of the war unscathed, and Professor Snape and Professor Lupin are certainly not exceptions to that reality. War trauma is real and palpable every day in these corridors where our friends, their students, our teachers, their colleagues and friends and family, fought and bled and died last May. The horrors that Professor Lupin and Professor Snape endured throughout the war, and after, are undoubtedly far worse than many others and far worse than any of us could ever imagine. To punish them for exhibiting such trauma is to spit on the sacrifices that they made, and the heroism that they showed._

 _We are writing to support them, yes, and moreover, we are writing to ask you to put a stop to this absolute mockery of the war. Allowing a radicalist to drag two of the greatest heroes of our world through the mud disgraced the sacrifices that were made by all of us. We fought for a better world, a world free from this kind of insane persecution and blood Puritan beliefs. For us, Professor Snape and Professor Lupin fought, grieved, bled, cried, suffered, and sacrificed. It is our duty to declare our resounding loyalty to and support of them._

 _It is in the best interest of our school, your wizarding youth, and our world that Professor Snape and Professor Lupin be cleared of any and all wrongdoing in this matter. War traumatizes people and traumatized people act traumatized. Do not insult their sacrifice further by allowing this straw grasping charade to continue. To do anything else would be an unforgivable and unparalleled injustice._

The Student Body of Hogwarts School

His eyes took in the many signatures scrawled beneath the letter. When he looked at her, there were tears in his eyes.

"Did you orchestrate this?"

"No," She shook her head. "Neville started it."

"I've never... Nobody..." His voice trailed off. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. One hand tangled in his hair, and the other rubbed circles over his back as he struggled with the overwhelming support.

Finally, he pulled back and looked at her. "Hermione..." Her whiskey eyes bored into his obsidian orbs. "I am afraid."

Her heart broke at the admission. "Whatever happens, I won't leave you. I've also got a few tricks up my sleeve still," She said confidently as she rested her hands on either side of his face.

"If they snap my wand..."

She put a finger over his mouth. "Hush. They won't."

"Does Lupin know? About the letter?"

"No," She shook her head. "We can go show him. If you'd like."

Severus looked thoughtful for a moment. "Yes. He should know."

They walked together through the corridors, his hand in hers publicly for the first time since they had reconciled, to Lupin's quarters. They knocked once and Lupin swung the door open, Teddy in his hip. His graying hair was disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked as nervous as Severus felt. The blue eyes looked between the pair quickly and then allowed them entrance.

Severus eyed the child in Remus' arms. The baby's hair was bright green for the time being and he stared at Severus with equal curiousity. Then, he stuck his chubby hands out toward Severus, closing and opening his small fists. Remus looked surprised, eyes moving between his son and Severus.

"I think he wants you to hold him," Remus said quietly.

Hermione giggled. "Oh, I might die! I've never seen you hold a baby!"

Severus rolled his eyes. "I _have_ held one before, but I certainly don't make a habit of it."

"Whose baby?!" Hermione smiled.

"It was Draco."

"Nearly 20 years ago?! C'mon!" She gestured to Teddy. Severus looked at Remus uncomfortably, and Remus smiled a bit at him, and then handed his son over to Severus.

Severus' body was stiff, but the small boy snuggled into Severus' right arm. The boy made himself right at home, his little hands tapping on Severus' chest as his hair changed to black, as if mimicking Snape's hair. Remus snorted at his son and the baby giggled. Severus raised an eyebrow. "Don't you mock me, boy," He drawled as a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. The baby was quite cute, but Severus would be hard pressed to admit it.

"What brings you here so early?" Remus asked.

Hermione looked at Severus, then to Remus. "Neville showed me this early this morning. I showed Severus, and we think you might like to see it as well."

Remus looked wary, as Severus had, as Hermione handed him the folded letter. Teddy had apparently deemed Severus trustworthy and laid his tiny head onto Severus' shoulder and cuddled into his chest. Snape's cheeks reddened as he caught Hermione staring at him adoringly as the child slept in his arm. As Remus read the letter, he brought his right hand up and covered his mouth with it. Severus could tell by the reddening on his nose and the sides of his neck that he was emotional, as he had been.

It was in that moment, as he watched Remus' blue eyes move over the letter, that Severus realized just how much the other man had to lose. Currently, he held essentially Remus' entire world in his right arm. The sleeping baby's breaths hit the side of his neck rhythmically. Severus stood to lose his freedom, his job, his partner, and his wand. Remus has already lost his wife, could lose the same things as Severus, and also stood to lose his _son._ His stomach churned at the thought. Remus' shaking hand gave the letter back to Hermione, and he leaned against the back of his couch. He buried his face in his hands as he struggled to master himself. Like Severus, Remus had never really been someone who had been supported by so many people before. Hermione embraced Remus in a hug that the man desperately needed as Severus focused on the baby's soft and even breaths against his neck. Life had changed so much. And though he was so very anxious about the hearing, he found himself hopeful that he could enjoy what changes had come his way.

" _You know, through pain, you learn a lot about yourself--things you thought you never knew you wanted to learn. And it's kind of like those animals that regrow a part of their body--like a starfish. You might not feel it. You might not even want to grow, but you will. You'll grow that part that broke off, and that growing, that blooming--cannot happen without the pain." ~ Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected - A Memoir_


	118. Chapter 118

"You wished to see me, Minerva?" Severus' deep voice drawled as he walked into the Headmistress' office early Monday morning.

She was staring out of the window. Turning to him slowly, he could see that she had been crying. He raised an eyebrow and she smiled. "You'll have to forgive an old woman, Severus. I am simply worried for you, angry for you. ." He furrowed his brow as he approached her. She reached out a hand and he grabbed it with his own. Her thumb ran over the back of his hand gently. "I am sorry you have been such a target."

"It's not your fault," He said, and his voice was low.

She held out her arms and he stepped into her motherly embrace. For so many decades, he had craved this kind of love and affection, and now he had it and stood to lose it. "They won't have you, Severus."

He pulled back, and his eyes were downcast. "Minerva... It's... Possible. Remus and I... We did something highly illegal. It's damn near impossible for us to come out of this clean now that it's got a formal hearing."

She shook her head, and looked over his shoulder as Remus walked into the office. He had, apparently, been summoned as well. After conjuring another chair across from her desk, she gestured for the pair of them to sit. She poured them tea and then sat across from them, elbows on the desk, and steepled her fingers. "They will not take either of you from this school."

Remus and Severus glanced nervously at each other. Their eyes communicated all of their doubts. Remus cleated his throat and said, "Minerva..."

"There are cards I've not played. Cards others have not played."

Severus narrowed his eyes and Minerva smirked dangerously. Her blue eyes sparkled in a way that rivaled Albus'. Remus looked at Severus for an explanation and then asked, "What do you mean? You can't stick your neck out for us. It's not worth it. Hogwarts needs you more than the pair of us."

Severus' black eyes studied her for a moment. Minerva nodded. "You know, Severus, the powers and influence of the Headmaster or Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." He nodded, but was still unsure what she was getting at. She stood and walked back to the window, her back to them both. "I have many things up my sleeve. Hogwarts is a force to be reckoned with. We have powerful allies. We're in the middle of a Tri-Wizard Tournament, a tournament that, mind you, makes a considerable amount of money for the Ministry. One of the current champions happens to be your partner, Severus. The tournament has long been between Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and Durmstrang, and they are our oldest allies, but Ilvermony's alliance and support is not to be underestimated. Muggle America is a powerhouse in itself, and Wizarding America is that tenfold. That influence can be used and asserted here. Our parents are outraged at this trial. Nobody, Muggle or magical, wants to go up against with angry parents. That's a second option. A third option is our staff. Many of them are decorated war veterans with considerable influence across our world. The most powerful to the weakest amongst them have rallied to you two. At the very least, they would strike."

Severus shifted uncomfortably in the chair. Remus looked apprehensive as well. Neither wizard was keen on the idea of a "trump" card.

She continued speaking as she stared out the window. "A fourth option, and the least desirable for me because of the fact it plays on our students, though it is their suggestion, would be for them to organize a march or rally. They would walk out of school, go to the Ministry and demand the result they want. Hundreds of students out of school is a political nightmare. Especially when those students include the biggest heroes from the war."

She turned back to them and held her hands behind her back. "My final option is to exercise my right to declare dominion."

Severus stood quickly. "No. Absolutely not."

"What the bloody hell is dominion?"

Minerva looked to Severus for Remus' explanation, and Severus' voice trembled as he spoke. "Declaring dominion is a power afforded only to a Hogwarts Headmaster or Headmistress. It's never been done. Dominion would make Hogwarts, essentially, its own sovereign state, with its Headmaster or Headmistress it's sole governmental head."

Remus' mouth dropped open. "I didn't even know that was possible."

"It's never been done," Severus said softly.

"Dominion would make me the government, and you two, as my staff, my citizens. You could not be punished by Ministry rules. They could and surely would ask for extradition to their courts, but I would never grant it," Minerva said wryly.

Severus shook his head. "No. That's a bloody nightmare, Minerva."

"Oh, hush, boy," She chided. "The mere threat of it would send them scurrying away from you. Hogwarts is their biggest financial backer."

Severus ground his teeth together. "I won't have you taking a risk like that."

Remus nodded fervently. "We appreciate the sentiment, Minerva, truly, but you can't do this. You have dozens of staff members, hundreds of students... Setting Hogwarts up to be an independent state would add a massive amount of stress and responsibilities for you, and you do not need that at all."

She shrugged. "It's a threat, lads. I assure you that if I were to even suggest..."

"Which you won't," Severus growled, and Minerva glared at him.

"You're not the only one who put your neck out there, Severus."

There was a knock on the door. She glanced at her watch. "It's a good thing I wasn't asking for permission, isn't it? Come in!"

Harry, Hermione, and Ron walked into her office. They were followed by Ted Tonks, Draco, Lucius, and Arthur. Ministry employee and Order member, and considerable wealth. Severus looked eyes with Hermione immediately, and gritted his teeth. Though he had known that she would go with him, that she would not allow herself to stay behind, he'd wanted to shield her from this circus anyway. Still, his heart leapt at seeing her. She walked to him as Harry and Ron shook Remus' hand. Minerva and Hermione flanked Severus, and the latter hooked her arm into his. They stepped into the Floo and arrived in the main lobby of the Ministry where they were immediately surrounded by photographers and journalists. Harry, Remus, and Ron appeared behind them.

Draco, Lucius, and Arthur brought up the tail end. Several Aurors escorted them through the chaos into the elevators. Once there, the doors closed, and Severus avoided looking out into the sea of flashing lights. Instead, he focused on the curly headed witch next to him.

"That was delightful," Lucius drawled coldly.

"You didn't have to come, Malfoy." Arthur's usual jovial voice had a bite to it.

"I've just as much right as you to throw my weight around in this, Weasley. Severus saved my son, more than once, and he's been a close family friend for nearly his entire life." Arthur rolled his eyes, but conceded that Lucius was correct in his assertion. Draco and Ron looked equally irritated at the exchange. Hermione squeezed his forearm and leaned closer to him. His heart was thumping against his rib cage.

The elevator opened and the Aurors led the group to the Wizengamot chambers. Severus had stood in this room once before many, many years before when Albus Dumbledore has attested to his loyalty and effectively kept him out of Azkaban after the first fall of Lord Voldemort. He suddenly felt a cold sweat wash over him as he stopped short of the center of the room. Minerva turned to Severus and Remus, touched a hand to both of their faces and smiled at them softly. Ron shook Severus' hand, and then hugged Remus. Arthur did the same. Lucius put a pale hand on Severus' shoulder stared into his eyes. He glanced at Lupin and nodded his head, and then followed Arthur and Minerva to the viewing box. Harry hugged Severus quickly, and then Remus, and followed Ron. Draco shook Severus' hand firmly, quickly wrapped his free arm around him, and then extended his hand to Remus.

Ted Tonks embraced his son-in-law tightly, and nodded to Severus. Hermione remained and looked at Severus. "It will be okay," She said. He wasn't sure if she was assuring him, or herself, or both of them. _Probably both._ He nodded and swallowed hard. She hugged him, pressed her lips to his cheek, and then moved to hug Remus.

Severus watched her walk into the viewing box. He met Remus' eyes, which instantly were as occuluded as his own. Remus nodded slightly, giving Severus the access he was requesting.

 _If this goes badly, Lupin, keep your mouth shut. I have a plan._

What do you mean?

 _You need to be able to stay with your son. A son needs his father, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens here._

Severus...

Severus broke the connection hard and withdrew from Remus' mind roughly and looked over his shoulder at Hermione. She looked very anxious and was fidgeting in her seat. They turned to face the center of the room as the Wizengamot filed in. The Aurors moved to their sides and escorted them to the two large chairs on the right side of the room. Kingsley walked in, and then looked at Severus and Remus. "You may sit," He boomed down at them.

From the hall across from them, Aurors escorted Umbridge, Yaxley, and Greyback into the chamber. They were bound at their hands and feet. Their occlusion kept their minds and faces steady as they stared at their torturers. Severus touched his fingers together, moving his thumbs and flexing his fingers slightly, a fidget he only revealed when under tremendous stress.

"We are here today in the matter of Greyback, F., Umbridge, D., Yaxley, C., vs. Lupin, R., Snape, S. Case No. 98-1212," Kingsley said as he flipped open a file folder and sat down in the middle of the Wizengamot. "This is a hearing about alleged Malicious use of Magic by the defendants."

 **It's okay, Sev.**

Her voice in his head instantly calmed his twisting stomach.

"Fortunately for us, this should be rather quick as I've already made this investigation previously. Madam Undersecretary, if you would please..." He gestured to the screen at the back of the hall, which was lowering slowly.

Severus watched as Remus sat in an interrogation room across from Kingsley, as he had afterward, and answered a seemingly endless amount of questions about the incidents. The werewolf looked distraught, disheveled, and very stressed, which definitely worked in his favor.

Then, Severus saw himself in the same chair across from Kingsley and relived that particular interrogation. Severus often regretted his behavior, and he definitely regretted how he appeared on the surface on that screen - aloof, cold, indifferent, business like. Though he didn't seem to think he looked sympathetic, he recognized that his indifference and numb appearance was a testament to his trauma.

As his interrogation ended, Harry's began, and Hermione's, and Draco's, and then Ron's. Their stories all confirmed that neither Lupin nor Snape were in their right minds in that particular moment and couldn't have been expected to have been. Kingsley's chocolate eyes surveyed the Wizengamot as one member raised his hand - an older gentleman with white hair.

"We expect this sort of drama surrounding Snape, here, but Professor Lupin... What were you thinking?"

Snape cut Kingsley off. "It isn't Remus' fault. Whatever fault you will lay can only end up at my feet."

The man stared at him in disbelief. "Is that so?"

Severus nodded and stood slowly. He glanced over his shoulder at Hermione, who was sitting at the edge of her seat as Minerva clutched at the younger woman's forearm, and then his black eyes travelled to Remus'. "Yes. It is so. You see, while I firmly maintain that I was incapable of rational thought on the night in question, Remus' irrationality is because of me."

"Care to explain?" Another member asked.

Severus bowed his head for a moment, and swallowed hard. Slowly, he unbottoned the sleeves on his left arm.

Remus pressed for Severus' mind, but Snape denied him. Hermione was doing the same relentlessly, but Severus' shields were firmly in place. There he stood - a former Death Eater, a spy, a war hero, and a man practiced in the art of selflessness... Prepared to do it all over again.

Kingsley glared down at him with questions all over his face. Snape rolled up his sleeve slowly and gasps were heard throughout the hall as his Dark Mark appeared. He touched it lightly with the fingers on his right hand. _So many regrets and this cemented it all._

"This..." Severus started and then faltered. "This is more than just a distasteful tattoo, more than just a symbol of a Hitler-esque Dark Wizard... This is Dark Magic. It's a cursed tattoo, and that Dark Magic has intertwined itself with mine. It's an irreversible infection of sorts, and it doesn't just impact me. I have spent nearly two decades keeping this one bad choice under lock and key and, in that moment, on that night... I was no longer of sound or sane mind; I let it free." His voice was low and almost melodic. "When I was lost to even myself on that night, this Darkness was found. Dark Magic is seductive. Remus, being outside of his right mind as well, was seduced by it. He was entranced by it, as so many others have been. It used my body as a lighthouse in a storm for him, and he was drawn to it like a Siren. He stood no chance. I stood no chance. I had been tortured, assaulted, poisoned... he had too. The only and most important difference is that I made the choice to take this Mark at 19. Remus Lupin did not."

"Professor Snape, that's quite enough," Kingsley said. He looked a bit angry, and also sad.

"This Potion of Despair... What were the side effects you experienced?" The old man asked curiously.

"Hallucinations. Physical pain. Intense paranoia and anxiety. It's warfare in every way - physical, mental, emotional..."

"And you saw...?"

"Exempt on the grounds of war trauma," Kingsley snapped.

Severus nodded at him gratefully. "Whatever punishment you pass, it must be on me. He would have never acted in that manner if it had not been for my Mark." The room was silent. "I am deeply remorseful for so many things, and my actions that night are amongst those things." His black eyes met Hermione's. "I am sorry," He mouthed. She was crying, and Minerva had her arm around her shoulders.

Remus stared at him as he moved back to his seat. As he sat, he eyes the three people sitting across from him who were looking at him in shock. That level of selflessness was so far beyond anything they could have understood.

The Wizengamot began questioning Umbridge, Greyback, and Yaxley, but Severus had to focus very hard on occuluding, so he wasn't able to digest whatever it was they were saying. Kingsley then opened and read the letter from the Hogwarts student body, one from Minerva herself, many Hogwarts staff letters, and several from a Order members, including Molly Weasley.

Kingsley opened the floor to the Wizengamot to discuss an outcome, deafening the floor to their discussions. Severus tried his best to focus on the lips that were moving, but he couldn't make out any of what they were saying. He realized, then, that he was sweating. Perhaps his fever was back. Perhaps he was nervous. Perhaps both.

Kingsley looked angry. His square jaw was set and his eyes were hard. He unsilenced then and slammed his hand down on the table. The Wizengamot silenced immediately. "We will recess for an hour. No one is to leave this room or cross this barrier," He said as he erected a magical barrier between the two sides of the room.

Severus looked up at Kingsley. The man was frustrated, and the Magic crackling across his purple robes was evidence of that. Remus was gripping the arms of his chair so tightly that his knuckles were white. He dared not turn around to find Hermione crying once more. He couldn't bear it. He had begged her not to leave, and then gone and taken full responsibility, via well-intentioned but partial dishonesty, for crimes that were not his, which assured he would be taken from her in some capacity. _I am so sorry._ He gritted his teeth and stared at the floor in silence.

 _"The fact that good people can be forced to do wrong doesn't make them less good. But it also doesn't make the wrong less wrong." ~ Damaged Mirror_


	119. Chapter 119

Lupin looked at Snape and cast a wordless Muffliato. "What have you done?"

"That's a strange way of expressing gratitude," Snape hissed.

"You've just crucified yourself."

"A son needs a father. If this keeps you with your son, that's all that matters."

"And what of you and Hermione?"

Severus didn't answer. He looked stricken. The viewing box had emptied during the recess, but had filled back up now. Hermione and Minerva had taken a seat directly in his peripheral and he knew that the move had been intentional. The Wizengamot filed back in slowly and Severus did his best not to let his total panic show. Lupin's knuckles were white again as he squeezed the arms of his chair.

He looked briefly at Hermione, who was now seated next to her parents and Minerva. Several parents had been allowed into the next part of the hearing and hers were among them. She met his eyes.

 _I am so sorry._

 **Everything's going to be okay.**

Dissolving the barrier between the floor, Kingsley said, "You two certainly cause a scene." He eyed Remus and Severus. "We are very near a full scale riot outside - students and parents."

Severus looked away from Kingsley and so did Remus. Neither man wanted someone to step in the line of fire for them, and Remus already had Severus doing that. The doors to the hall opened loudly and Horace Slughorn walked in and was followed by Pomona and Filius. Horace always did have a flare for the dramatic. The other House Heads, and Horace, a world renowned teacher, had come to support them.

Kingsley looked at his former teacher, Horace, and then Minerva, as she stood and cleared her throat. Severus and Remus went very white.

"I have heard from the students, several staff, parents, Order members... I will open the floor to those of you in this room before I give my verdict. Headmistress McGonagall, you seem to want to speak?" He smiled at her.

"I do, Minister." Minerva's face was stony. "These two men are accomplished wizards, decorated academics, and true heroes of our recent war. While I fully trust you to do right by these two distinguished wizards, I do want to express the intent to declare dominion should I disagree with this court's finding, and would therefore claim Severus Snape and Remus Lupin as my citizens. I would keep them far from the grasp of a world that would seek to damn them."

Kingsley narrowed his eyes. "Dominion?"

The older member spoke again, shock on his face, "You intend to declare dominion if you don't like our ruling? Nobody has ever done that."

"I do and will," Minerva said sharply.

"You'd do that? Over a werewolf and a Death Eater?"

"Over human beings," She spat.

Severus closed his eyes for a moment. He felt afraid, but also he felt in awe of Minerva's boldness on his behalf. When he opened them, Kingsley was tapping a single finger on the table. He had a strange sort of smirk on his face, like he respected the chess move, but didn't appreciate it. Minerva returned the smirk and sat.

Gasps were heard throughout the room. Both Severus and Remus turned to find who had stood, and saw Harry.

"The accusers are criminals, Death Eaters, and child abusers. Professor Lupin is a great man. He's a dear friend, a mentor, and someone to which I entrusted my life. He fought at my side in the war, and I am indebted to him. His son is my godson. He is a man of high character. Professor Snape appears, on the surface, a bit more complex. Yes, he has a Dark Mark. Yes, his tongue is sharp. But there is no me without him. I would not have made it out of my first year at Hogwarts if not for him. He saved my life more than anyone else on the planet. At one point, you lot all trusted me to see us through a war. Trust me now when I tell you that these men deserve their freedom." Harry sat quickly and looked around anxiously. Kingsley nodded to Potter.

Hermione stood and Severus' face drained of what little color it had left. _No._ She locked eyes with him for a moment, raised her chin, and met Kingsley's steady gaze. "Remus Lupin worked to keep me safe constantly over the last several years of my life and most especially last year. He is a phenomenal teacher, mentor, friend, and father. He has suffered more than most people will ever suffer in their lives."

She looked at Severus and she looked as if she were making a decision. Kingsley asked, "Is that all, Miss Granger?"

"I am Severus Snape's Keeper."

Severus dropped his head. _Fuck._ She intended to invoke ancient marital and courting rite, that she had his soul and would therefore defend him and keep him in check via her magic. Kingsley shifted in his seat and stared at her. "His Keeper? That's a strong word. In what sense?"

Hermione looked back to Severus for a second. "I am the keeper of his soul."

The room broke out into gossipy whispers. Soul binding was not something people did anymore. The binding vows were long lost to nearly all of the wizarding world. They'd fallen out of favor because of the sheer intensity. People could be held responsible legally for their partner, and intertwining magic could result in magical toxicity should the relationship not be truly compatible.

"You're saying you have a soul bond?"

Hermione's eyes flickered for a moment with the total truth, but she nodded regardless of the fact she hadn't bound her soul to him.

"You are willing to accept responsibility for his actions, should that be what the court deems just, and be held accountable and liable?" His eyes were intense. He'd never seen soul bound people before. "And keep him, Severus _Snape_ , in check with your own magic? You'd feel capable?"

"Yes, even though Severus is a hero, and I sincerely hope you find in his favor. I will accept any punishment, responsibility, and fault as my own. Please keep that in mind as you make your decision."

"We will not punish Hermione Granger!" One woman in the Wizengamot said firmly. "She is not responsible! We will not treat her in such an archaic way."

The Wizengamot was stirring, whispering about the couple. They were shifting around and preparing for its verdict. Kingsley stood next, shocking everyone in the room. "I, too, will speak on the behalf of Remus Lupin and Severus Snape. Remus and I have been friends for a long time. I know this man as well as I know myself. Severus and I stood on opposite sides much of our lives, but I cannot and will not forget the fact that this man, dressed in Death Eater robes and a Death Eater mask, dragged me to safety during an attack. I owe him my life. I cannot take his. What happened that night was the result of serious trauma, and both wizards have been attending therapy in order to help themselves heal and cope. I do not see it fit to punish either of you. Continue your therapy. Continue your healing. Live your lives." The Wizengamot was in uproar.

"You can't do that!" The woman shouted. "We demand punishment! They used magic against other human beings!"

Kingsley's head snapped to face her. "It is the Minister of Magic that convicts and punishes. You are here to advise me. Usually, we come to an agreement. On this, I am not inclined to compromise. You've given me your advice, and I disagree." Severus stared up at Kingsley and Remus' mouth fell open.

The head Wizengamot wizard stood furiously. "We demand punishment, and we will petition for what we discussed."

Umbridge cleared her throat in _that_ irritating way. "What, may I ask, was your intended punishment?"

Severus' dark eyes fluttered across the floor at the woman. He looked dangerous.

"Admonitors for 90 days," The old man said firmly. "Monitoring their magical activity will give us peace of mind."

Severus and Remus said nothing. Truthfully, the pair thought it was a mild punishment, and summer was approaching. The Wizengamot began quarreling amongst themselves again before Kingsley silenced them by standing. "Admonitors for three months is absolutely absurd! These men are heroes!"

Several people behind Severus and Remus cheered.

"This punishment allows them to walk freely, to keep their jobs, their families... We merely have peace of mind that they're behaving properly," The old man said as he stared daggers at Severus.

Remus looked to Severus, they nodded at each other, and then fidgeted with the buttons on their sleeve cuffs. The buttons popped free and each man simultaneously rolled their sleeves up just slightly, exposing their wrists, and held them out for the court as they stood.

"Professors..." Kingsley said with warning.

"Come now, King - er - Minister. It's not so bad," Remus shrugged.

Kingsley bit the inside of his cheek in frustration and looked from Remus to Severus. Severus narrowed his eyes. "If this gives the man peace of mind that I am not up to something nefarious or sinister, I am absolutely thrilled to oblige." His words dripped with sarcasm. His eyes glittered angrily and his face hardened.

"You are under no obligation to do this. Any appeals they might file, we can field," Kingsley said to the teachers. Neither Snape nor Lupin lowered their outstretched hands.

Kingsley glanced at Minerva, who was putting up no fight at the moment. Admonitors were a minor punishment, and more of an inconvenience than anything. Kingsley glared at the old Head Wizard. "45 days. My final offer. All in favor?"

The hands around the Wizengamot rose unanimously, though many of the wizards and witches looked dismayed at doing so, like the verdict was a point of confliction. Perhaps if it had just been Remus, it would be an easy decision to let him off, aside from his "affliction." Severus, however, brought a whole other set of issues to the table.

Kingsley, grinding his teeth visibly, pointed his wand to the two professors who were standing side by side. On their wrists, thin silver bands appeared. Remus touched the bands with his fingers, but Severus dropped his wrists to his sides immediately, his sleeves falling down over the bands.

"Which one of you will be monitoring us?" Snape asked.

Kingsley glared at the head member of the Wizengamot - the old man. "Seems like a perfect job for you."

"I was hoping it would be you," Severus said darkly.

"Why's that, Snape?"

"I've a soul bond. Remember?" Severus raised an eyebrow high. The man looked at him - clearly confused. Several people began to laugh when they realized what Severus was implying. "Soul bonds are magic, yes? How are they renewed and strengthened? Figured you'd be the pervy type." Severus began to turn away toward Kingsley.

The man's eyes went wide and his ears and cheeks turned bright red. He looked angry and completely embarrassed. "You dare..."

Snape turned back around slowly. His face was dark, all humor gone, and the room fell silent. "You will do well to remember exactly who you are dealing with. I have accepted this punishment because I feel it is just. I could have had any one of my friends protect me. I could be anywhere in the world, truly. But no. I have accepted this juvenile punishment. I have committed a crime, but I am also far more than you've acknowledged, and I've had it not getting credit where credit is due. I have had it. I am done with the games. I am done with the questions. I have done more than anyone, perhaps save Harry Potter, to free our world from the clutches of the Dark Lord. I suffered. Tremendously. I did the dirty work that needed doing not just because no one else would, but because no one else could. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't righteous. It was _necessary_ , and I did it. What did you do, old man? Were you more than the insignificant political peon you are now?"

"I..."

"I thought as much. I am, without a doubt, the all-around most powerful wizard alive." Severus moved to Kingsley, who had stepped down from the benches.

"Because you killed Dumbledore!!"

Severus turned back to him once more. He was sneering and looked every bit as dangerous as many would assume he could. "Exactly," He said bitterly.

"Those in the viewing box, you may wait here. Aurors, escort the prisoners back to Azkaban." Umbridge began shouting. "Professors? Follow me," Kingsley instructed.

 _"I need a watchman to tell me this is what a man says but this is what he means, to draw a line down the middle and say here is this justice and there is that justice and make me understand the difference." ~ Go Set a Watchman_


	120. Chapter 120

Kingsley led Severus and Remus to his office. They were escorted by a handful of Aurors. Once there, Kingsley held up a hand to stop the Aurors from following him inside his office. One of the glared at Kingsley questioningly and Kingsley's face darkened considerably in warning. He shut the door behind the three of them, warded it, and silenced it.

Pressing his hands to the door, he hung his head. "Why?" His voice sounded strained.

"I just wanted it over, Kingsley. I can't speak for Severus, but I'd imagine he feels the same." The werewolf's blue eyes focused on the dark haired man who was looking toward the window.

Kingsley turned to face them. "Severus?"

Severus pulled his eyes away from the window to look at the Minister for Magic. He had no intention of conveying the guilt he felt for so many things. "I do like to make things difficult."

Kingsley snorted. "I would have let you off."

"You can't do that. You're not just our friend anymore," Remus said softly. "As nice as it to have you."

Kingsley rubbed the back of his neck. "The public will be even more outraged that you've been punished at all." Severus held very still, but Remus shifted anxiously. "Come. There's paperwork." The two professors sat across from Kingsley as he scribbled quickly on a couple forms. He dated the end of their punishment as May 14th. Both men signed without any qualms.

"I suppose I better speak to the media. You wouldn't want to join me would you?" Kingsley looked hopefully at the pair of men across from him.

Severus shook his head, but Remus agreed, and Severus glared at him. "I've no interest."

"It's quite all right. If you want, Remus, we can go now. Severus, I can have Hermione brought here?"

The obsidian eyes narrowed as he assessed that the Minister meant nothing by his comment, and he merely nodded at the man. Severus stood and paced nervously in the office. He rubbed at the bracelets on his wrists while he waited. He felt terribly guilty for so many things - one of them was for potentially abandoning Hermione in his well-intentioned but totally unnecessary self-sacrifice.

A soft knock came at the door and his head snapped to it as Hermione pushed the door open. She had been crying, and was struggling not to cry now. Two strides and he was before her. "I am so sorry," He said quietly. His voice was so sincere.

"I want to be angry with you," She said and wiped at her eyes. "But I think I know why you did it... Confirm it for me?"

"A boy without a father ends up like me," Severus said as he stared deeply into her eyes.

She nodded, as if she had known that's what he would say. "What's wrong with being like you?" His face dropped and he moved his eyes over her head to stare at the wall. She grabbed his hands in her own. "You're a bit misguided, true, but noble. Brave. Intelligent. Loyal. Determined... I am proud of you, Severus, even if I want to be angry with you."

His brow furrowed as he looked at her once more. "I am sorry. I've asked you to stay with me, begged you to do that, and I nearly sacrificed us."

"It would've never happened," She assured him as she squeezed his hands.

His black eyes focused on her whiskey eyes. Slowly, he pulled her into his chest. Holding her tightly, he buried his nose into her hair. _Almond. Shea._ And something different. _Vanilla._ He breathed in her scent. She had her hands clasped around the middle of his back.

She mumbled into his chest. "Marry me."

He pulled back from her to look at her face. His cheeks were pale, his eyes huge, and his mouth slightly agape. " _What?"_

"You heard me," She smirked.

"Bloody hell, Hermione," He grumbled as he pulled her into him again. "That's not at all what I was expecting."

"That's a horrible answer," She teased.

"You're seriously asking?"

She shrugged against him. "More of a statement, really."

"Patience, lion," He whispered into her hair. He would never be able to tell her how much it meant to even hear her say those words. Severus could have never anticipated the impact they'd have upon him, but he was grateful for the commitment and intention behind them.

"I suppose Kingsley's office wouldn't be the most romantic place for all that."

He smiled at that. "Indeed. It would not."

"My parents want to speak with you," She said softly as she looked up at him.

"I had wondered. How did you convince them to come here?"

"They asked," She said. "When I told them what was going on, they wanted to support you, and me."

He narrowed his eyes a bit, and then said, "Very well."

She led him out into the corridor where she saw her parents standing amongst her friends. Her mother and father approached him quickly, and her mother embraced him quickly in a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which he hadn't expected at all. Her father shook his hand.

"I'm sorry, Severus," Her mother said softly and glanced at her wrists.

"It's not right," Her father added.

"It's nothing. Quite a juvenile punishment, really," Severus said as he swallowed hard. Suddenly, he felt very nervous. "Thank you for coming."

"Mum, dad. I should take you home now. I need to get back to study."

"Study. Right," Her mother teased gently. "We'll see each other soon?" She looked at Severus, who nodded instantly, though he had no plans to visit.

Severus moved toward Minerva, but Hermione's father called, "Severus?"

Severus turned back to see the man caught up in his own thoughts before he met Snape's eyes. "La réponse est oui." _The answer is yes._

Quoi?" _What?_ Severus was confused, tired, and stressed.

"Vous avez notre bénédiction." _You have our blessing._

He turned away from Severus, who was left looking more dumbfounded he'd ever looked in his entire life. This man had just witnessed Severus be placed essentially in house arrest and then given Snape his blessing to marry his daughter. _Bloody hell. The world is mad._

Minerva touched Severus' arm, snapping him out of his trance. "You were very noble, Severus."

He frowned slightly. "I wasn't trying to be noble," He said tightly.

"Oh, I know," She said and smiled at him. "I'm proud of you. Though I'm not at all happy about those bracelets you're wearing." She clicked her tongue.

"Mum..." He said so softly, and her blue eyes snapped to his. "Thank you."

Her eyes instantly were watery. "Bugger, Severus. You can't do that to me."

Hermione appeared next to her in a perfect distraction. "Ready to go back to Hogwarts? I'm sure we could use the Floo in Kingsley's office if you want to avoid the mobs, Severus."

He was distracted. "It's quite bad?"

"There are a lot of people, but they're here for you."

Despite their support of him, crowds made Severus incredibly anxious still. He shook his head vehemently, and followed Hermione back into Kingsley's office. The others headed to the crowd, including Minerva.

They stepped into the Floo and arrived in his quarters in a few moments. Stepping out from the Floo, Severus rubbed at the bracelets again. They were pretty inflexible, but he could spin them around his wrist completely so they were loose enough to tolerate.

He unbottoned his frock coat, threw it lazily and uncharacteristically across the back of an arm chair, and ran a hand through his hair. He undid his shirt and stood now in only a T-shirt and his trousers. Hermione turned to face him. He grew self conscious. Now he had Admonitors on and he had a Dark Mark. He truly looked the part of a criminal, of a bad man.

She bent to meet his downcast eyes. "You look exhausted. You've had a long week and a half. Why don't you rest? I've studying to do anyway."

He looked at her apprehensively. He wanted her, to show her how beautiful she was to him, to show her how much he appreciated her declaration in court, but he was still holding so much back. He nodded finally and sighed, moving toward the couch. Severus pulled off his boots and laid down on the couch after conjuring a pillow. She sat on the other end of the couch and summoned her Potions textbook. He stuck his foot out tentatively and laid his leg across her lap. When she merely adjusted her arms over his leg, he relaxed. He didn't know why he was so worried about physical contact with her, but he supposed subconsciously he still had reservations. She had not pushed him, and he was grateful for that. Physical affection was usually such a source of anxiety for him - was he doing it enough, reacting to it appropriately? Eventually, he dozed off into a restless half-sleeping state.

 _"The human touch is that little snippet of physical affection that brings a bit of comfort, support, and kindness. It doesn't take much from the one who gives it, but can make a huge difference in the one who receives it." ~ The V Girl_


	121. Chapter 121

Prior to the final task, all living former TriWizard Champions were invited to Hogwarts. Hogwarts was currently well-ahead in the tournament, but the final task always weighed more on the outcome than the first two, and Beauxbaton was not far behind.

Severus and Hermione were doing well and their relationship had resumed its usual comfortability, though it lacked sexual intimacy still. Both parties seemed to be happy. Hermione was exceptionally affectionate toward Severus and, in moments where he was completely honest with himself, he adored it, and Severus was not apt to admit he adored _anything._

Severus was still self-conscious about the Admonitors on his wrists, as was Remus, and both professors did their best to conceal them at all costs. The students still talked about it frequently, expressing support of both professors and anger at the fact that Severus and Remus had been punished at all. It was nice, in theory, to be supported so vocally, but Snape was very private still and introverted, so the attention was uncomfortable for him.

During dinner a few days before the final task, Severus watched as the former champions walked in and he focused in on two: Fleur Weasley on the arm of Viktor Krum. Fleur looked happy and healthy, her porcelain skin seemed to almost shimmer, and Severus rolled his eyes as the boys in the vicinity turned doe-eyed. His eyes shifted to Krum. Krum had filled out more. Gone was the sinewy Quidditch professional. In his place was a muscular professional athlete. His black hair was styled into quiff, and his beard was clean and trimmed. His brown eyes moved over the crowd, seeking Hermione, and he settled on Severus' face for a brief moment, and Severus watched him scowl. For a moment, Severus' heart soared when he realized he'd finally "won." He had the girl. Then, when he realized that Krum was rich, famous, good looking, young, and had already won Hermione's affections once, it sank a bit.

He poked at his meal a bit more as dinner came to a close and his insecurities waged war inside of him. Remus glanced at him several times, but said nothing. Lupin hadn't really known about Krum, or his history with Hermione. Snape's dark hair fell around his face as the house elves cleared his place. Many students were leaving the hall, so Severus was clear to escape. He stood and walked between the tables. His dark eyes glanced over the room and he caught Krum speaking to Hermione. _Of course. Always the Quidditch players._

He continued walking toward the corridor and he felt a hand tightly close around his wrist and Admonitor. He spun, sneering, to admonish whichever person had been foolish enough to touch him, but he met Hermione's eyes briefly before she grabbed his face, pulled him closer to her, and pressed her lips against his. The kiss was innocent, chaste, largely unnoticed by most of the students in the hall, who were otherwise busily engaged in conversations, but it lit a fire in him he couldn't put out.

"Hermione..." He said huskily as he stepped back.

She smirked at him, knowingly, and she turned back to her friends, who were wide eyed and slack jawed. "I'll see you lot later."

She looped her arm through his and escorted them both from the hall. Severus' heart was pounding as Viktor Krum stepped before then in the corridor.

"Herm-own-ninny," He said lowly. Years of knowing her name had not yet allowed him the secret to pronouncing it.

"Hi, Viktor," She smiled, still clutching Severus' arm as he stiffened next to her.

"I vos hoping this vos not true," He looked pleadingly at her.

"Severus and I are together, Viktor," She confirmed for him verbally.

"The Dark Lord's Mark is on his arm, no?" Viktor looked suddenly very angry as he glanced toward Snape's left arm. "And does he haff Admonitors?"

"Viktor," Hermione said softly as she stepped forward. "Severus is rather like you. Everyone expected him to be evil, but in the end, he wasn't. He was a spy for our side. He had been since he was 20. I love and trust him."

Viktor's mouth twitched as he processed Hermione's words and he glanced over at Snape. "He loves you, Hermy-own-ninny?"

"Very much," Hermione said confidently.

"Very vell," Krum said and stood up straight. "I vish you vell. I shall vrite still, as friends, but if you mess up, Snape, and hurt her, I vill hurt you." Severus said nothing and merely stared coolly at Viktor as he kissed Hermione's hand and walked back into the Great Hall. To be honest, the young man's threats held merit as he'd been taught Dark Magic from a young age at Durmstrang, despite his own inclinations against the Dark.

Hermione clutched his arm again and walked with him to his corridors. She spoke as they stepped inside. "I'm sorry, Severus. We're merely friends. I did tell him that in a letter when he said he'd be coming for this, but he must have not believed me."

"Who would?" Severus said quietly. He turned toward her slowly, with flames behind his eyes. "Hermione..."

She stood frozen in place as she looked at him. Her eyes were burning as well. "Yes?"

His hands began to shake and he flexed them nervously. "I..." He swallowed hard. "I want you." His voice sounded like something between a purr and a growl.

"I want you, too," She whispered and he closed the gap between the pair of them quickly, crushing his body against hers.

She snapped nearly every button on his frock coat as she tore it from his chest. His chuckles served only to increase her desire for his skin as he shrugged her collared shirt off of her shoulders. Reaching behind her, he quickly undid her bra and let it fall to the floor. Her bare chest against his made them both shudder. His magic was sparkling all over his skin, and she couldn't get close enough. He kicked off his boots clumsily and she did the same with her shoes. He grunted and magicked away the rest of their clothes as he became impatient. She leapt up and wrapped her legs around his waist and he leaned her onto the back of the couch and froze, relishing in the feel of her naked body against his. He buried his nose in the nape of her neck and calmed himself. Both of them were breathing hard.

He kissed her neck lightly. "You are beautiful," He whispered.

"Severus?" She asked. There was weight in her tone.

He pulled back to look her in the eyes. "Yes, Hermione?" His hands were running lightly up and down her back and she arched into his touch.

"Ye are Blood of my Blood..." She started. Her voice was no more than a whisper. His heart began to race as he froze. "May I?"

"You are certain?" His voice was a hoarse whisper.

"I've never been more certain," She said. He stared at her in disbelief. His heart was pounding wildly in his ribcage. "Ye are Blood of my Blood, Bone of my Bone..." Her magic shimmered across her skin and into his. "I give ye my Body, that we Two shall be One. I give ye my Magic, my Soul, until my life is done."

His mouth fell open as she finished, as he felt his magic intertwine with hers. The reciprocity was overwhelming and he pulled her to him, his mouth descended upon hers. She moaned into his mouth and her nails dragged down his back. He pulled back, cradling her face in his hands, and stared at her. "Hermione... You gave me your soul..."

She smiled at him, eyes wide and watery, and nodded. "I am yours."

"Mine... as I am yours," He growled.

Late that night, Severus was wide awake. Hermione's head was upon his chest as he stroked circles over her back. He stared into the dark room as he pondered her bond to him, her commitment. There was nothing now that would take her away from him. Of that, he was certain.

Looking forward, he would focus on the final task with her, and solidified her victory. He was sure that the Hogwarts team would ask him, and Lupin, to be their teacher participants in the final task. The task would allow two teachers to aid in its completion in whatever way the team felt most beneficial. He wasn't sure exactly how he and Lupin would fare, or if the pair would be able to participate because of the admonitors. Hermione stirred against his chest, but she didn't wake. He listened to her breath and ran his fingers lightly over her shoulders and spine. For the first time in his life, he felt a sense of permanency.

When Hermione rolled away, Severus pulled himself to a seated position as he watched her sleep. She was sleeping so deeply. Her face was completely relaxed and she looked even younger than she was. The smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks stood out prominently against her pale skin. This witch had single-handedly dismantled his entire life, and he, despite all of his reservations and hesitance, could not deny that he'd turned out the better for it.

He put his right hand on his sternum and cradled the magic he felt there. The bond was so much stronger now that it was reciprocated. He could sense her calmed and sleeping state when he focused on the magic of it. She wasn't perfect, but she was perfect for him, and he would have never imagined that in a million years.

Severus watched her sleep awhile longer as the night turned to early morning. The sun would be rising soon. He took one last look at her and slid off of the bed quietly and walked to his book shelf, shutting the bedroom door almost entirely behind him. He pulled the fake book from it's place and opened it, being sure to shield its contents from the bedroom with his body. He saw the velvet black box inside and flipped it open gently.

Inside was a 1carat oval cut diamond on a thin rose gold band. The band had tiny diamonds on either side of it. He had debated for a long time whether to buy yellow or white gold, or platinum, but ultimately decided that rose would fit her skin tone better, would stay away from any Gryffindor or Slytherin symbolism, and would be as unique as she was. For the past couple of months, Severus had not been sure he would ever be able to give her the ring he had spent so much time picking out and agonizing over. Now, he could barely stop himself from marching into the bedroom at quarter after six, waking her up, an proposing on the spot.

"Soon," He whispered to himself and closed the tiny box, putting it back into the book and returning it to its spot on the shelf. "Soon."

" _So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday." ~ The Notebook_


	122. Chapter 122

"Morning," Hermione said sleepily as she walked into his sitting room. He focused on her face. She looked so much more rested. "Couldn't you sleep? You should've woken me." He stopped spinning his admonitors.

"You were sleeping so soundly. Besides, it is counterproductive for both of us to not be sleeping."

"What kept you up?"

"Nothing troublesome, I assure you."

She sat down next to him and leaned into his side as he adjusted his arm around her waist. "You okay?"

"More than," He said softly as he pulled her closer.

"I slept like a baby," She said with a small smile.

He tucked a stray curl behind her ear. He was such a different man in private, and even now in public, than he had ever been. "It seemed as much."

She rested her head on his shoulder carefully, and laid her arm across his lap. "I'm supposed to practice with the other champions today, but I really would like to stay here with you."

He hummed against her as his finger tips ran up and down her arm.

"I'm also supposed to ask you, and Remus, if you'll be our Professor participants."

He stopped moving and stiffened for a moment. "I am... Not entirely certain that it's possible. We would have to see what our lovely Minister says."

"Kingsley's trying his best," Hermione sighed heavily.

He pulled her closer and pushed his nose into her hair. Pressing occasional kisses against the top of her head, he listened to her breathing. She was in deep thought and was quiet for a long time. Eventually, he broke the silence. "You gave me your soul."

It was her turn to hum against his chest. "Indeed, I did." Her tone was light.

"Of all the things I ever imagined in my life, this has been the most unexpected and also the most wonderful."

"I love you." She snuggled into his chest more as he linked his hands over her hip. "Can we eat breakfast here this morning?"

"And risk the wrath of Minerva McGonagall?" He raised a dark eyebrow and smirked.

"What's she going to do anyway?" Hermione shrugged.

"My, my. You are becoming bold even for a Gryffindor," He said lowly and clicked his tongue at her.

They ate together happily. Severus found himself staring at her frequently. He couldn't help but to be in awe at the fact she'd given him her soul, effectively marrying her already for all intents and purposes. After breakfast, she left to go speak with Lupin and then to meet up with the other champions.

He waited for Lupin to make his way to his quarters. Hermione said she would suggest he find Snape and they go to McGonagall together to inquire about whether or not they would be permitted to participate as the teacher participants for the final task. Truthfully, Severus was not very comfortable with participating. It felt a bit like war, and he was nervous about his own traumas surfacing. He couldn't imagine rationally that Lupin felt any differently. But, he wanted Hermione to win and, whether or not it made him cocky, he felt that he, and perhaps Lupin, would be the best outside source to use.

Lupin arrived at his quarters and stepped inside for a moment. "Do you think it wise that we even try to participate?"

Severus gritted his teeth. "I am not sure, but I want to help."

Remus nodded. "We've just already caused such a fuss this year. Even without considering the dangers of the tournament and the risk that involves, I wouldn't want to be a distraction."

Severus shrugged. "We didn't ask them to participate. They asked us, which means they feel they need our help."

Remus' eyes studied him for a moment, and then they walked quietly to Minerva's office. She looked both of them over as they sat across from her at her desk.

"Severus," She started. "Where were you at breakfast this morning?"

"I ate with Hermione in my quarters."

She narrowed her eyes, but did not scold him. She was happy for him, and she didn't want to deter his newly rekindled relationship. "What brings the pair of you in?"

Remus cleared his throat. "We've been asked by the Hogwarts champions to be their staff participants in the final task."

She pinched her lips and leaned back into her chair. "I had worried about that." Severus looked at her. She looked worried. After a long moment, she asked, "You want me to ask Kingsley for permission?"

Remus nodded. "If you would..."

"Do you... Should you participate?" She asked carefully.

The two wizards looked at each other briefly and then shrugged. Severus said, "They've asked us to help. It is not about _us."_

She sighed heavily and looked out toward the window. "I will speak with him and think about whether or not I feel it wise for you two to partake. I want only the best for you both, and for the team. I need you both to consider this carefully as well. This tournament is dangerous, and I worry about potential triggers."

Neither man argued with her. In fact, they were pretty inclined to agree. When they left, there was a nervous and tense silence between them as they parted ways.

Later that evening, there was a knock at his door. He briefly thought it would be Hermione, but she wouldn't have knocked. When he opened his door, he was shocked to see Potter standing there looking sheepish.

"May I come in?"

Narrowing his eyes, Severus allowed him entrance. "What can I do for you, Mr. Potter?" Severus drawled.

"I have... Questions."

 _Damn._ Truthfully, Severus had been surprised it had taken he boy so long to have tried to ask these questions. "Concerning?"

"My parents. Sirius. Remus. Pettigrew," Harry confirmed.

Severus' tongue grew thick in his mouth. He stiffened, and then sighed as he took a seat on one of the chairs near the hearth across from Potter, who sat on the couch. "Ver well," He said as he crossed one long and slender leg over the other tightly.

"I know it will be difficult. I know your opinions of them will be biased, as has been everyone else's, but you... I..."

He held up a hand and closed his eyes for a moment. "I know," He said at last. "Ask."

"What was my mother like as a child? As a teenager?"

He felt a brief wave of panic wash over him. He took several steadying breaths. "As a child, she was inquisitive, kind, and loyal. As a teenager, she was much the same, but she was also self-righteous and a bit entitled."

"Entitled? How do you mean?"

He gritted his teeth, and then sighed again. "She was bright. Talented. Entitlement was a side effect of her success and abilities."

"What was your favorite thing about her?"

Severus swallowed hard. It was challenging to revisit these types of things, especially to Lily's son, though no one deserved answers more than the boy. "Her friendship, I suppose, when I had it."

"Why... You'd been friends for so long. I've had rows with Hermione and Ron. Some have been pretty ugly, but we've always managed to work it out."

"None of you were headed where I was at the time. None of you were her. The three of you are all headstrong, but not... Not like she was," He admitted softly.

"D'you reckon you'd have joined Voldemort if she'd forgiven you?" Harry's green eyes were full of empathy and Severus found himself quite seriously at a loss.

He looked away from the boy's disarming eyes. His jaw twitched. "I do not know," Severus said quietly after a long while. "This is difficult," He admitted.

Harry shrank. "I'm sorry."

Severus shook his head. "It is going to be difficult."

"What do you think she even saw in my dad? From what I saw of him, he seemed like a right prick," Harry said glumly.

Years ago, Severus would have leapt for joy at hearing Potter talking negatively about his father, but now, things were different. He empathized with the boy. "Your father was a bully to me, but that does not mean that he was a ba: person in general, that he didn't treat your mother well, or that he didn't love her, and you."

Harry was quiet and Severus could see, upon glancing at him, that his eyes were watery. Many people had heroized his parents, and realizing that they were flawed and, at times, very wrong, had been quite hard on their son. "Okay."

"I would like to table the questions for now," Severus said warily and was relieved when Harry nodded in acceptance and not defeat. "Potter..." He said and the boy looked at him. "You're the best of both of them." Harry blinked rapidly and practically fled from Severus' quarters which left Snape alone as his clock ticked. Quickly, he was lost in the past. He felt overwhelmed with guilt once more, and a pervasive sadness at how his life might had been if things had been just slightly different.

 _"Sometimes in life, a sudden situation, a moment in time, alters your whole life, forever changes the road ahead." ~ The Final Gathering_


	123. Chapter 123

Author's Note: I apologize for the delay! I have had other ideas bouncing around in my head! If you're into it, check out my other story "Better Days." Here is a bit of fluff before the final task!!! Missed you guys!

Severus walked into the dueling room and watched as Hermione and Draco danced back and forth on the platform, slinging and deflecting spells. Both of their nonverbal abilities had improved tremendously. He leaned against the door frame and studied the pair of them with narrowed eyes.

"Mister Malfoy..." He cleared his throat.

"Yes, yes. I've a spine," Malfoy rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his blonde hair. Luna giggled as Draco hopped off the stage. Justin climbed up onto the stage as Hermione jumped down.

"Miss Granger..." Severus started. He walked to her with long strides. Putting a hand on either shoulder, he turned her sideways. "You've a habit of squaring your shoulders too much. Not only does it make you an easier target, but it negatively impacts your ability to aim." He pointed to her left shoulder, "Wherever you point this shoulder, your spell will most certainly follow."

She turned her body to show him she understood what she was discussing, and the looked up at him. He nodded sharply and she ran a hand through her hair. "Has Professor McGonagall spoken with you yet?" Hermione asked.

"Not since this morning," Severus said as his eyes moved over her head as he watched Justin and Luna.

"You're allowed to perform with us," Hermione said and his black eyes moved back to her face.

He didn't really know what he had expected to feel, but nervousness bloomed in his stomach. "Is that so?"

Hermione smiled at him. For a moment, it calmed the anxiety he felt. Then, it returned. "I suppose I should speak with Lupin, then." His eyes moved back to Luna. "Miss Lovegood, less flourishing!" He turned and walked from the room. He stopped and turned back around when he heard footsteps behind him. Hermione stopped in her tracks as she stared at him. He raised an eyebrow.

"Are you all right?" She asked.

His eyes flickered. "I am... Nervous," He admitted finally. Her face softened. His admission was one that had taken them many months of establishing trust and transparency to achieve, and she was proud.

She stepped to him and took his hand into both of hers. "It's okay, Severus." She was staring at his hand in his, running her fingers over it lightly, less than an inch from his body. He closed his eyes and took a couple steadying deep breaths. "You're nervous about performing well. You're nervous about the attention. You're nervous about the safety aspects. I understand."

Her voice was quiet and calm, and it washed over him like waves. He kept his eyes closed as he listened to her. "You're a good man, Severus, and I'm lucky to have you. I know that you're nervous, and honestly, so am I. But you and I fought an actual war together. We all did. This team. This school. You. Remus. All of us. This tournament is _nothing_ compared to that. We are miles ahead of the other schools, and we will win this - with you, and with Remus. Do you know why we chose the pair of you?"

Severus opened his eyes and looked at her. He shook his head and then shrugged. "I figured, for you, it was personal preference."

She smirked but shook her head. "The Hogwarts TriWizard Champions Team chose you, Severus Snape, and chose Remus Lupin, because the two of you deserve to win as much as, if not more, than we do. You two have spent most of your lives being damned every which way you turned. No longer," She said.

His eyes widened as he thought about her meaning. "You... All of you?"

She nodded. "You have the support of your fellow staff, and of the students. They're all still quite angry about these," She said as she pushed his cuff back to reveal the bracelets. "You deserve this kind of moment, Severus. No more negative attention. No more questions. Just you as you are - victorious in every way."

He stepped closer to her, one hand on her waist, and he touched his lips to her hair. "Oh, Hermione..." His voice was soft, and wavering with emotion.

A cough from behind Snape startled them both. Snape turned scowling to the noise. It was Lupin, so he relaxed slightly.

"I'm guessing you've heard, Severus?" Remus asked and looked between Hermione and Snape.

Severus nodded. Hermione walked to him and hugged him. Severus watched as the werewolf closed his eyes tightly. She pulled back, and looked up at the graying wizard. Hermione was talking to him softly, repeating the same words to Lupin, the explanation and the assurances.

In the beginning, Snape would have been furiously jealous and insecure, but not anymore. Now, he recognized Hermione's commitment to him, and he also recognized her ability to help people, and he was so proud of her compassion.

"Dora is so proud of you, and someday, once Teddy realizes all of this, he will be too," Hermione said. Snape looked at Lupin as the man's head hung and he nodded. Hermione hugged him again briefly.

"Suppose we ought to practice?" Lupin said as he regained his composure. Snape smirked a bit.

"Give us a moment?" The dark haired man said and then he watched Lupin disappear into the dueling room.

"Yes?" Hermione asked with an eyebrow raise that rivaled his own. _My sweet witch._

He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her body, and burying his nose into her hair. "I wanted one too," He said quietly.

"I knew you'd always be the jealous type," Hermione teased playfully.

"And I knew you were saving the best for last," He chided as her touched his forehead to hers. His lips met hers lightly, innocently, before breaking apart again. "Hermione..."

She looked up at him and smiled. "I love you too. Come now," She said and tugged his hand before dropped it. "Time to shake off the rust."

He narrowed his eyes as he walked after her. "I am not rusted, witch," He grumbled disapprovingly. Her teasing laugh was music to his ears.

 _"I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together." ~ Blue-Eyed Devil_


End file.
